Episode 39: Three Passive Aggressive Behaviors That Push Your Partner Away

In this episode of Lucky in Love, we’re talking about the sneaky relationship habit that quietly pulls couples apart: passive-aggressive behavior. 

Not the “big blow-up” fights—more like the slow drip of little moments that leave your partner feeling tense, guarded, and emotionally unsafe over time. And the worst part? A lot of us don’t even realize we’re doing it… or how much it changes the way our partner feels about us.

I break down why passive aggression is so damaging: it keeps you from dealing with the real issue directly, and it creates a constant low-grade “hum” of stress in the relationship. Every sarcastic jab, cold shoulder, or “fine, I’ll do it” moment might seem small—but those little pull-backs add up. Eventually, your partner starts bracing for you instead of relaxing with you. That shift is subtle, but it’s a big deal.

Then I walk you through three common passive-aggressive behaviors that show up in long-term relationships—especially for couples who are “functioning” on the outside but feel disconnected behind the scenes. We’ll talk about what these behaviors look like in real life, why people use them (hint: it’s often self-protection or punishment), and how to interrupt the pattern before it becomes your relationship’s default setting.

Most importantly, you’ll learn what to do instead— how to handle everyday annoyances in a way that builds trust instead of slowly burning it down.

If you’ve ever thought, “We’re not terrible… but we’re not close,” this episode will hit home. Listen in, and then pick one small change you can practice this week—because the little things don’t just add up in the negative direction. They can add up toward reconnection, too.

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/karihoskinscoaching/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/kari.lifecoaching/
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC4A7XJcQEYfTh3E43IIw7Bg/about
Website: https://www.karihoskinscoaching.com

Transcript

Kari Hoskins (00:00.878)

Hey there, my friends. Welcome back to today's episode. Today, I'm going to be sharing with you three small, but common passive-aggressive behaviors that can quietly push your partner away from you. These are things that a lot of us do, and we don't even recognize the impact that it's having on our relationships. And I wanted to address this because this is definitely something

that most of you can probably relate to, regardless of how healthy or unhealthy your relationship is. And I also want to talk about it because it's one of the small things that has a really big cumulative effect on your relationship. Every time you act out in some type of passive aggressive way, you run the risk of pushing your partner away from you.

you run the risk of them pulling back from you just a little bit. And over time, all of those little pullbacks, it changes the way they start to see you. It changes how they feel about you. It changes how much they trust you or don't trust you. And to be honest, it affects how they perceive your relationship. When people are in long-term relationships and marriages, when they break up,

Like I said last week, it's not usually the result of like some big, huge blow up or some big, huge wrongdoing. It's usually the result of like the slow accumulation of small moments that happen to create really big, hard feelings. And if you did listen to last week's episode, episode 38, we talked about the one thing

that all divorce stories have in common. And part of that equation is what's happening on a day-to-day basis. The tone of voice, your habits, the tiny interactions, because it's those daily moments that either keep you close and connected or slowly pull you apart. And passive aggressiveness is one of those slowly pull apart habits that we have.

Kari Hoskins (02:24.3)

Now, why does it pull us apart? It's because you're not dealing with the real issue. You're acting it out indirectly. And sometimes it's as a punishment and sometimes it's as a way to protect ourselves. But either way, it creates this like constant low, like hum of stress where nothing is resolved and it just like lingers there under the surface of your relationship. So let me start out by defining for you

what I mean by passive aggressiveness or passive aggressive behaviors, because there's actually quite a few different forms that this takes. the three behaviors I'm gonna be talking about, I chose specifically because I think they're the ones that really do tend to push people away, but you might do other types of passive aggressive behaviors. So passive aggressiveness is basically when you're upset about something or annoyed or irritated, whatever.

But instead of talking about it, saying it directly, clearly identifying it, you act out on it and you do these little stupid things basically that punish your partner. Okay. And like I said, I think we're all guilty of this from time to time. And I do have to say, I don't think it's realistic to assume or expect everyone to act like a total, you know, grown up or adult a hundred percent of the time.

I just that's just not realistic. But like the way you handle that regularly like your default does matter. If you're occasionally passive aggressive, that's one thing. But if this is like your go-to behavior, that's a whole other story. So I want to start off with one of the more what I would consider socially acceptable forms of passive aggression. Frankly, if you do this first one,

You might not even recognize it as being passive aggressive, but it is. So it's called pseudo accommodating. Pseudo accommodating is when you say yes to doing something without the intention of actually doing it. Now I'm not talking about, you know, when you say you're going to do something and then it slips your mind or maybe like you say you're going to do something and you accidentally run out of time because you mismanaged your day. I'm talking about a pattern of purposefully

Kari Hoskins (04:49.395)

saying you're going to do something that you full well know you're not going to do. Now why do we do this? Well some of us say yes when we say when we really mean no just as a really easy way to get out of the conversation. It's an easy way to avoid a fight. It's an easy way to get them off of your back or maybe to help you stop feeling pressured. So you say yes and then you just quietly don't do that thing.

Let's be honest, this usually shows up around stuff that you frankly don't want to do or stuff that you're resentful about. Like, yeah, I'll call the insurance company or sure, I'll grab the dry cleaning or fine, I'll handle the sitter again or I'll call the plumber and then nothing. Another way that we use this passive aggressively is to influence the outcome of something.

So for example, there's something you don't want your partner to do, but you don't talk to them about it. And they ask you to get them information or to make this call or to fill out this form in order for them to do this thing you don't want them to do. And you say, fine. And then you accidentally forget to get the information. You drag your feet. You miss the deadline for the form. And now it's too late. Oops. Decision made. Problem solved. So convenient.

Right? And you never had to have the conversation. And sometimes, let's be honest, we can also use this as straight up retaliation. So you're pissed off about a choice that your partner made. And so you say you're going to handle something that they need. Maybe it's something completely unrelated, but you don't on purpose so that they feel some kind of consequence. OK, so you guys, if you do this repeatedly, this can

definitely damage your relationship. So I happen to think that the irony about this one is that it will almost always result in a fight because you didn't do what you said you were going to do. Or you have to revisit the conversation because a person's like, what the heck? Why didn't you do it? You said you would. Okay. And so that argument that you were trying to avoid turns into an even bigger argument except now you're actually at fault.

Kari Hoskins (07:13.421)

because you didn't follow through with what you said you would. And if you do this enough, your partner is going to stop believing you. Your partner is going to start thinking that they can't count on you and that they can't trust you. And this is really significant because trusting each other, trusting that you're going to do what you say you're going to do is a really big part of a healthy, happy relationship. So if this is you, if you identify with this,

Instead of pseudo accommodating, I really suggest just having the conversation. Finish the conversation. Face that thing that you want to avoid and don't just say, yeah, I'll do it unless you're actually going to follow through. You need to resolve whatever is underneath the issue. The second behavior that I want to call out is what we call withholding. Withholding is one of, I would say, probably the most common one that we see in relationships.

Withholding is when you pull back when you are mad, annoyed, irritated, or hurt instead of talking about it. So you give them the silent treatment. You stop being warm. You withhold affection or you withhold sex. You become standoffish. You refuse touching them or letting them hug you. You shut down kindness. Okay? Now listen, this is totally different than needing space.

Needing space is the opposite of passive aggressiveness. It's actually very healthy and it's really good to recognize it when you need it and to honor it. But the difference is whether you're honoring your need to regulate yourself or if you're using that space to punish your partner. So needing space sounds like, hey, I'm really too upset and worked up to talk about this right now. I'm just going to go take a walk.

and then let's we're going to talk about this later or maybe we can talk about this tomorrow or or this weekend okay withholding is i'm going to make you suffer by treating you poorly i'm going to make you suffer by withholding affection from you i'm going to make you suffer by withholding communication by not talking to you by stomping around the house and slamming cabinet doors okay it's different it's got an edge to it and this pushes your partner away because it teaches them

Kari Hoskins (09:40.578)

that closeness is conditional, that connection can be taken away at any time you're pissed off or upset. And to be honest with you, that takes a really, really big emotional toll on the other person and they stop feeling safe in your relationship. And this can actually lead to feelings of anxiety and rejection and like one wrong move and you're gone. Okay. And

The truth of the matter is, if that is true, one wrong move and they're gone, you have a bigger conversation that you guys need to have. Because this is the opposite of a close connected relationship. So the fix for this is to instead of withhold that affection, withhold that communication, when you really, really want to avoid it and punish them is the time.

when you need to figure out what's really going on with you and then have the conversation. And this brings me to the last one. And I think this one's kind of sneaky. This is actually one that I hate. I have been on the receiving end of this so many times and it feels really, really crappy. Okay, so you know how someone says something like kind of mean, but they say it like it's a joke. And then when you flinch or you are like, hey, what the hell?

They're like, whoa, whoa, relax, I'm kidding. Wow. When'd you lose your sense of humor? Can't you take a joke? Okay, you guys, this is called using humor as weapon and it's not humor. Real humor will bring you guys closer together. You laugh together. It's actually, humor is actually a form of intimacy. Humor as a weapon has an undercurrent of meanness that creates this like this weird moment when your partner has to decide.

Do I ignore it? Do I just like laugh it off so this doesn't turn into a fight? Or do I say something and get told that I can't take a joke? Or do I say something and get told, well it's in my head and I'm know I'm crazy or whatever, right? So like I said, I have been on the receiving end of humorous weapon way too many times and one of the reasons why I think it is so damaging to the other person and to your relationship is because the joke is almost always aimed

Kari Hoskins (12:04.885)

at a tender or sensitive spot. And the people who know your most tender and most sensitive like spots and things about you are your family, your closest friends, and your romantic partner. And then that's the person that turns it around and uses it against you. That is why it is so damaging. So there's...

Like a variety of ways that people will use like say humor as weapons. So there's like the joke that's really a complaint. Like, must be nice to sleep in all day, right? While I do everything else around the house. Or the sarcastic drive-by. wow, look who decided to show up finally and grace us with their presence. Or there's that public dig that makes you look stupid, okay? don't mind her, she's just being dramatic. She's always dramatic.

or the humble joke that's actually an accusation. Should I be worried about who you're texting? Ha ha ha ha. Okay, so if humor is your go-to way of expressing annoyance or dissatisfaction, you really need to own that and understand what it does to your partner. It makes your partner feel small and it changes the way that they experience you and your relationship.

And you guys, if you are doing this in front of other people, it hits even harder because it's now not just like a dig, it's public and it's embarrassing and it really feels belittling and dismissive. And that's the kind of thing that your partner like might laugh off or smile through in the moment. Like say if you're hanging out with friends or colleagues or whatever, but trust me, it leaves a mark.

and they do not forget it. Okay? So next time you do this, I would suggest that you catch yourself and you say, I'm sorry, I'm super annoyed right now. I should have said something instead of making that joke. And if you're the person on the receiving end of it, tell your partner, hey, if something's bothering you, I'd really rather you just tell me than take a dig at me. Okay? So can you relate to any of these three things? Either as the person doing it,

Kari Hoskins (14:24.045)

or the person who is on the receiving end of it. Can you see how any of these things done enough times can make your partner stop liking you, stop trusting you, stop feeling safe around you? When you consistently act out passive aggressively, it creates like this environment where you, where they, excuse me, feel like they have to protect themselves from you, which usually means

that they're going to stop sharing vulnerable things that they think might upset you. And once people start sharing vulnerable things, your relationship starts getting more separate and more distant. Okay. So I just wanted to recap this really quick for you. Pseudo accommodating can push your partner away and make them stop trusting you because your yes becomes unreliable. Withholding

can push them away and make them stop trusting you because the connection to you starts feeling conditional. And humor as weapon can push them away and create distrust in your relationship because your partner has to protect themselves and be on guard. And that is the opposite of what we want in your relationship. So what do you do instead? Well, you need to be honest.

And you need to be direct about whatever it is you're annoyed with, irritated by, or upset about. So next time one of those instances happens when you're upset, irritated, or annoyed, I would really encourage you to resist the urge to like covertly punish your partner through any type of passive aggressive way. Instead, have the conversation. And it doesn't have to be a conversation that you have right there in the moment. In fact,

I always encourage people to take a little bit of time, take a little bit of space, like go for that walk, but you have to tell them, I'm really upset right now or irritated right now, I just need a little bit of me time, okay? And figure out the real reason why you're irritated or upset, okay? It's going to help you have a much better and more productive conversation. And if you don't know how to do that, lots of people don't, you know, how to figure out what's going on inside of you.

Kari Hoskins (16:49.663)

I really would encourage you to go download Three Mistakes Couples Make When They're Pissed Off. You can find that download at kahoskins.com. In it, I teach you how to figure out what is going on inside of you, and I literally give you a sequence of how to talk to your partner about it. All right, so if you want to ask me any questions about how to handle a particular situation that you're going through in your relationship right now,

or maybe something that's just got kind of got you riled up, please go find me on social media. I'm at K-A-R-I-H-O-S-K-I-N-S coaching. I'm so Carrie, Carrie Hoskins coaching on Facebook and Instagram. You can send me a private message and I promise I will give you an answer. All right, my friends, that is what I have for you today. I'll see you next week.