Episode 40 3 Everyday Habits That Quietly Kill Desire

In this episode, Lucky in Love, I’m breaking down how sex quietly turns into a chore in long-term relationships—and how to start fixing it fast. 

If you’re in a dead bedroom, a sexless marriage (or nearly sexless relationship), or struggling with mismatched sex drives (a desire discrepancy), this episode will help you understand why your sexual desire may be fading—and what to do to fix a dead bedroom by changing a few everyday habits that kill desire.

When sex turns into a checkbox, your brain starts treating it like work—something you power through, avoid, or resent—making it harder to want sex and harder to get turned on.

I help you understand why these everyday habits: Sex only at bedtime, initiating sex out of nowhere, quickies only are quietly killing your desire and I offer practical fixes that will help you rekindle desire. 

If you want to rebuild intimacy, rekindle attraction, and make sex feel connected again, these small habit shifts can restart the desire loop.

Kari Hoskins is a Communication & Conflict Specialist who helps couples stuck in the pain of uncertainty over the future of their relationship. She holds a Master’s degree in Communication & Interpersonal Relationships, spent 20+ years as a college professor, and is a certified relationship coach with specialized training in emotional intimacy, trauma, infidelity, and addiction.

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Website: https://www.karihoskinscoaching.com

Transcript

Kari Hoskins (00:00.63)
Hey there everyone, welcome back to the podcast. I'm really glad that you decided to join me for today's episode because we are going to be talking about something that is super common in long-term relationships, but I think it can also feel isolating because it's not really things that people talk about. We're gonna be talking about what happens and how to prevent sex becoming a chore. Just like one more thing that you've gotta check off your to-do list.

So if you are in what we call a dead bedroom or a marriage or relationship that has become completely sexless or nearly sexless, or if you are dealing with what we call a mismatch of desire, then I think you're going to hopefully find a lot of value in today's episode, because I'm going to be breaking down for you some ways to start fixing a dead bedroom by changing just a couple of everyday habits

that quietly kill desire. So I want you to imagine this. It's 10.30 at night. You look at the clock, you're like, thank goodness, the kids are finally asleep. The kitchen is all cleaned up. The coffee's ready to go. You're exhausted. So you run in into your bedroom, you put on your most cuddly favorite jammies, and you crawl into bed thinking, of course, about what you have to do tomorrow, all the stuff. You did not get done today.

And your partner rolls over and they're like, hey, so you'll wanna wink, wink. And in your head, you're like, really? Right now? Are you not tired? Because I'm exhausted, right? Sex at that moment is the last thing on your mind, but maybe it's been a week, maybe two weeks, maybe even three weeks. And now suddenly there is pressure in the room. So you do it because you don't want to disappoint them.

because you know that it's important, but you do it half-heartedly, right? And what's just happened is you have turned sex into a task. You've turned it into a chore. And listen, once sex becomes something that you have to check off your to-do list, your brain starts treating it like every other task on that list. Something you power through, something you avoid, something that you possibly resent, and...

Kari Hoskins (02:27.146)
This is a scenario that a lot of you out there are trapped in and it makes it really, really hard to want to have sex and even harder to get turned on even in good, happy, healthy relationships. So I do want to talk about three very common habits. But before we jump in there, I do want to just really quickly go over the difference between desire and arousal because people use those things

interchangeably, they're actually they're related, but they're actually different. So desire is mental. It's the wanting. It's the craving. It's the interest in it. It answers the question. Do I want to have sex? Do I want to do it? Okay, there are two common types of desire. There's spontaneous desire. This is desire, meaning that it shows up first. You see them and you're like, yep, let's go. I want me some of that.

This actually happens to me, it's almost embarrassing to admit, I'm embarrassing it to all of you guys watching right now, or listening right now. This happens to me every single time my husband goes and gets his hair cut. I do not know why that does it to me, it just does. He walks into the kitchen and instantly spontaneous craving and desire, okay? Which I'm gonna be honest with you guys, it works for me, I will take it. Because spontaneous desire is something that usually,

diminishes or fades in long-term relationships or can I shouldn't say usually it can diminish in long-term relationships then there's also something called responsive desire and this is more common so responsive desire shows up after things get started so it's like you're not thinking about sex it's not even on your radar but then once you start talking connecting touching flirting kissing your brains like

this, yes I like this, let's do more of this. Okay that's responsive desire. Now you have arousal and arousal is physiological right? It's your body's response. Your pupils dilate, your heart rate changes, your blood flow increases, your body starts preparing. It's you getting turned on basically right? It answers the question am I turned on? And if you're aroused the answer is yes. Okay so here's why this matters.

Kari Hoskins (04:50.667)
Desire and arousal need conditions to show up. And a lot of you out there have habits that quietly take those conditions away. And then you wonder why sex feels like effort, pressure, or an obligation. Okay, so let's get into those things that we do, those habits that take those conditions away. The first one is having sex only at bedtime. So,

This is the scenario that I opened up the show with, right? Where sex happens only after you have on your pajamas, only after brushing your teeth and crawling into bed and possibly doom scrolling on your phone. One person initiates and the other person is already halfway asleep or at least halfway into sleep mode, okay? But here's the problem is that bedtime is when your body like literally starts shutting down. It's not switching into let's get.

like aroused mode on command, okay? Especially if you've been parenting, working, and mentally carrying the load of the family or whatever stresses all day long. So when bedtime becomes the only window for sex, your brain starts associating it with exhaustion, pressure, inconvenience, and obligation. And that's how Stuck and when...

sex starts to feel like that, it starts to feel like a chore instead of connection. So what can you do instead? Now, I'm not gonna say never have sex at bedtime, of course not. What I'm saying is, I would like you to consider stop making bedtime the only time slot for sex. Try moving the window. Maybe you go to bed 20 minutes earlier, if that's really when you like to do it. Maybe you start.

trying to do it after dinner or maybe on a Monday morning or a weekend morning. Maybe an afternoon delight on your lunch break or over the weekend. Okay, just change up the time a little bit. Just changing honestly the time to 20 or 30 minutes before bedtime can make a difference for a lot of people. So the second habit that I want to kind of call out is initiating sex out of nowhere.

Kari Hoskins (07:06.753)
No buildup, no lead-in, no anticipation. So one of you is again, still thinking about that to-do list and the other person is trying to switch straight into sexy mode as if it were a light switch. That's not how most of our minds or our bodies work. And for a lot of people, especially those people with responsive desire, anticipation is an important part. Anticipation is part of the foreplay.

because like your brain, needs a runway for this stuff. So when initiation comes out of nowhere, it can feel really loaded. It can feel like really, okay, we're doing this right now and you expect me to be turned on right this moment. Okay? So that's pressure and pressure is not sexy. And most people frankly avoid doing things that make them feel pressured. So what can you do instead? Well, I suggest giving your partner a little bit of warning. And I mean that

very lovingly, okay? So you can do that in so many different ways. You can send them a text message, hey, let's go to bed 20 minutes earlier tonight. You can send them a text message saying, I'm thinking about you or here's what I'm thinking about doing to you or here's, you know, whatever. I don't know. However you all talk in your relationships, okay? Maybe it's tomorrow morning. I want you. Or it can even be, I miss you. Can we get busy this week? Okay.

So back in my professor days, I had to leave the house like super, super early. And so sometimes I would leave a fun flirty little post-it note on the bathroom mirror. So it was a first thing that my husband saw when he woke up. Now I have to tell you, it wasn't just for him, it was for me as well. It wasn't like I was waking up and that was the first thing on my mind, but it's important to me. And so I wanted to nudge my brain in that direction as well. And just writing the note,

got me thinking about it and anticipating it all day long along with him. And so we used to have so much fun sexting each other throughout the day, which made it really fun to come home at night. And by the way, if you are looking for other fun suggestions and things you can do to get your brain warmed up, I suggest going back and listening to episode 36, how to have mind blowing sex in long-term relationships.

Kari Hoskins (09:29.493)
I give you a lot of fun suggestions that you can try. Okay, the last habit that can very quietly kill connection, it's having quickies only. So this is really common in couples with a desire discrepancy, also called a mismatch of desire, okay, or a desire gap, where one partner wants more sex or more often than the other one, okay. Now, you guys,

Quickies are not bad. In fact, I think quickies can be super fun, playful, and spontaneous, and hot as hell. But if they're the only way or the main way that you're having sex, especially if there's a desire gap, here's what can happen. One partner's needs get met and the other partner gets their obligation like over with. And so what happens is it becomes transactional.

it becomes efficient. There's minimal touching, there's minimal connection, there's minimal aftercare. And desire does not thrive on efficiency. Desire thrives on presence, novelty, emotional connection, and attunement with each other. Attunement with each other simply means that you're tuned into your partner and they are tuned in with you. You're reading each other, you're reading your signals.

and you're responding to them rather than just going through the motions of sex. When sex becomes mechanical, your brain stops craving it. So what can you do instead? Well, if you enjoy quickies, by all means, please keep doing them. Just don't let that be the whole menu. Try this. This is one of my favorite suggestions for people. Try one unrushed session a week or every other week, depending on your preference.

and add one connecting element. So kissing just a little bit longer, slowing down the touch, make prolonged eye contact. You guys, prolonged eye contact is intense and it's incredibly intimate. Try a two minute, tell me what you want. Okay, try five minutes of cuddling afterwards. It doesn't have to be this like three hour tantric session. I'm just trying to get you guys to feel more connected, okay?

Kari Hoskins (11:56.426)
instead of transactional. So when couples feel connected, sex feels like play. It feels comforting and it feels connected and it makes you feel close to each other. And when you feel disconnected, sex also feels disconnected. It feels like pressure and distance and obligation and performance. And your habits around sex, especially the ones that we just talked about, are part of what creates

those feelings, either in the positive way or in the negative way. Desire does not disappear because you've been together for so long. It disappears when your habits teach your brain that sex is exhausting, pressured, or not very rewarding. mean, because who wants to do something that is not fun and rewarding? But the good news is that these habits can change fast once you start creating better conditions.

So if you want to fix a dead bedroom and rebuild and rekindle sexual desire, then these three habit swaps are a really, really good place to start. So here's my challenge for you this week. Pick one swap and try it. Either change up the time sometimes, right? Don't let it be only sex at bedtime. Warm up the mind. Remember that anticipation is foreplay. Keep the quickies, but add one unrushed session.

because connection is what fuels desire. Then, this is really key, I want you guys to talk about it. How did it go for you? Did it make it more fun? Did it make it easier to get aroused and turned on? Okay, if the answer is yes, keep doing it. If the answer is no, then try something different. The bottom line is that it's about curiosity and trying other things and changing things up. It's about progress, not perfection.

So look, if this brings up any questions or concerns about your relationship, please, I encourage you to message me on social media. I'm at Kari Hoskins Coaching. That's K-A-R-I-H-O-S-K-I-N-S Coaching. Or you can also drop your question into the comments if you are watching this on YouTube or TikTok, and I will make sure to answer them. Okay, my friends, that is what I have for you today.

Kari Hoskins (14:25.474)
I look forward to talking to you next week.