Ep. 43 Loneliness- The Invisible Marriage Struggle No one Talks About

In this episode, I tackle one of the most painful and often invisible relationship struggles: feeling lonely in your marriage.

And I’m not just talking about being physically alone. I’m talking about feeling emotionally disconnected, unseen, unheard, and like you’re living life next to your partner instead of with them.

I break down how loneliness in a marriage happens over time, often through small patterns that slowly create distance: unresolved conflict, lack of meaningful communication, mismatched emotional needs, stress that gets internalized, and spending time together without truly connecting. I also share personal insight from my own past marriage and talk about why this kind of disconnection is far more common than many couples realize.

In this episode, we look at why loneliness in a relationship should never be brushed off as “not that serious,” and how emotional distance can eventually lead to resentment, loss of intimacy, separate lives, and sometimes separation or divorce. I also walk through four key areas of intimacy that help us feel connected again: emotional intimacy, intellectual intimacy, shared experiences, and physical affection.

Whether you’re the partner feeling alone or you’re the one hearing that your spouse feels disconnected, this episode will help you better understand what’s missing, why it matters, and one small place to start. Because loneliness in a marriage does not fix itself, and ignoring it is where the real trouble begins.

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Transcript

Kari Hoskins (00:00.526)

Hey there everyone, welcome to the podcast. I am sincerely so happy that you are joining me today because we are talking about something that I think is very important. We're talking about loneliness in a marriage. Feeling alone in your marriage is quite literally the loneliest type of lonely that there is. And I say that with 100 % conviction.

because in my previous marriage, I was married before for 17 years. Of those 17 years, I felt incredibly alone for about 12 of them. I actually went back and read through my journals, and I looked at the timelines, and yeah, 12 years. Now, by the end of the 12 years of that, it was definitely a lot deeper. Didn't start super deep. It started very much like a shallow kind of loneliness. But as the years went on,

and the disconnection got worse and the feelings of loneliness just got bigger and bigger and bigger. Here's the thing. If you are feeling alone and disconnected, ironically you are not alone. I looked up the statistics and the statistics show that approximately one person out of every three couples feels alone in their marriage. So I want you to think about it like this. Let's imagine that you walk into a party.

and there's 20 couples there. There's fantastic music and there's laughing and there's yummy food and everyone looks like they're having a fantastic time. But of the 40 people that are there, this statistic means that approximately six or seven of the people there are secretly feeling alone and disconnected in the marriages. That's a lot of people. So,

Ironically, if you are feeling alone, you are not alone in that, which is why I wanted to talk about this. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to share with you how this happens in the first place. Then I'm going to talk very briefly about what happens if we don't address it or if you don't address it. And then, of course, at the end, like all my other episodes, I'm going to be sharing with you some things that you can do if you are feeling alone in your marriage or if you're

Kari Hoskins (02:24.846)

partner has come to you and shared with you that they're feeling alone in the marriage. So how does this happen? I was thinking about this because we use like words like disconnection and connection and intimacy, but what does all that really mean? I think if you were to boil it down, if you want to think about say the feelings of connectedness and disconnectedness, loneliness and closeness, I would put that on like a spectrum, on a continuum.

with disconnectedness and feelings of loneliness and maybe isolation and emotional abandonment on one extreme side. And you put connection and intimacy and affection on the other side of that spectrum. And so what happens, what creates these feelings of...

disconnectedness and aloneness is when we are missing things that interactions and we're missing experiences and we're missing communication that brings us together. Because ultimately what intimacy is and what connection is and what a sense of belonging is, it's a result of interactions and experiences and communication.

that brings you closer to someone, that deepens your understanding and knowing someone. And in reality, if you think about it, most of us, what we want so desperately in our marriages is to feel truly seen and feel heard and feel known. And the only way to have that is if we are doing things that help us be more connected. And so what disconnects us? Well, on the

like not so subtle side of disconnection are relationships where there's a lot of conflict. There's a lot of arguing. There might be a lot of anger in the relationship. And how this leads to disconnection and feelings of loneliness is because if you are in a relationship where there's a lot of conflict and a lot of anger, you are likely not bringing up really important topics because you know,

Kari Hoskins (04:49.675)

that once you throw out this important topic, this thing that means a lot to you, you know that there's going to be defensiveness and arguing and bad feelings about one another. And so what happens in high conflict relationships is people start avoiding, they avoid each other and they avoid talking about anything that's actually important. And so what happens is you have two people that are living together sharing the same name.

sharing their daily lives, but they're leading two opposite lives, right? Because they can't actually come together and agree on things. Something else that leads to feelings of disconnection is not experiencing things together and not spending time together. Spending time together is a very big part of feeling connected with your partner.

Okay, feeling connected with your spouse. And when I say spending time together, what I mean by that is actually experiencing things together. Sure, you can sit down and you can watch a movie and you can watch your Netflix show, which I love, by the way, I think that's great. But what happens in a lot of marriages is we turn on the Netflix show and we think that's all we need for connection. In reality, you're just sitting there next to each other watching the show.

That's not necessarily connection, right? Connection is when you turn the show off and you talk about what you thought about it. You talk about you like this character or you don't like this character and why, right? That's the connection part. Sitting parallel next to each other on the couch is not actually the connection part, okay? A lack of communication also leads to a very deep sense of aloneness.

So what gets in the way of our communication? There's lots of things. Like I already talked about conflict and arguing usually shuts down really meaningful communication. Something else that gets in the way is if you have two partners that have a different communication needs and different communication styles. So you have one partner, one spouse that really craves that deeper emotional communication. And you have the other spouse.

Kari Hoskins (07:14.103)

that doesn't necessarily feel comfortable talking about their feelings, doesn't feel comfortable talking about what's going on inside of them. That creates disconnection. Something else that might create a feeling of disconnection is the way that you handle stress. And I see this a lot with the couples that I work with, where one partner internalizes the stress and does not share it with their partner. And what this does is this creates

feeling of distance because you're not letting the other partner in and you're not allowing them to share in this with you. And when you're not sharing things together that literally makes you feel alone in your marriage. And what I find with my clients is it's not necessarily like one thing that's creating that disconnection. There's usually a couple of different areas that are creating that sense of

disconnectedness and aloneness. I know in my relationship, my first relationship or married relationship, for me it was really the lack of reciprocal communication. So I would sit there and pour my heart out and say, I want to know you, I want to know what you're feeling, I know what you're thinking, here's what I'm feeling, here's what I'm thinking. He was such a good listener.

and had such a big heart and I know that he loved me, but he was unable to reciprocate, unable to tell me what he was going through, what he was thinking, right? And so when we have this mismatch of comfort level with how we feel, like expressing how we feel and this mismatch of needs, that's when we get that result of feeling alone. So that was one. And the other one for me was really like not

doing things together. So we had lots of friends and we did things with friends, you know, at their house for parties and stuff. But ultimately the hobbies that we enjoyed, the things that we liked doing were completely opposite. And so we did a lot of things separately. I would take my girls camping separately. Like we did a couple camping trips together. But a lot of the stuff that I did with my daughters, I did alone. And I did not want to do it alone. I wanted to do it with my husband, right?

Kari Hoskins (09:39.862)

Other things are happening for him. Okay. So those are the things that over time, if you don't resolve, will definitely lead to bigger problems. So what kind of problems does disconnection and loneliness lead to? It leads to, if you don't deal with it, when it first gets brought up, it leads to resentment. It leads to blame.

It leads to not liking your partner enough to want to keep trying to disliking them. It leads to you sleeping on the couch or in the other room. And so your physical intimacy completely goes away. It leads to potentially opening up the door for an emotional affair or a physical affair. Let that one sink in you guys. I actually had a client that I was working with and I was

asking her, do you want to stay in this marriage? Because I really felt like there was a lot of going through the motions and not a lot of effort towards taking responsibility for her side. And one of the things she said is she's like, you know, we don't have any of the big issues. We don't have issues of trust. It hasn't been an affair. There hasn't been a betrayal. No one has addiction.

And to me, that was such a big red flag because what brought them to me was her husband feeling alone and disconnected in their marriage. And she just kind of blew it off. Like it wasn't that big of a deal because they didn't have all these other problems. But the problem is when you let that aloneness and that disconnection grow bigger, it opens the door for those other things.

That's what opens the door for that stuff. This is why it is so important. And the larger that gap gets between the two of you, the harder it is to come back from. Every single couple that I am working with right now, every one of them, reports feeling alone and disconnected from their spouse. And they're working with me because they're trying to decide whether or not they want to stay in their marriage and fix it and make it better.

Kari Hoskins (12:01.269)

or if they want to get a divorce.

Okay? And the one thing that you all have in common, disconnectedness and loneliness.

at this point by both partners, but it only started with one.

What can happen when you are the partner feeling alone is if you're not careful, you can create more distance and more loneliness, aloneness, that's so hard to say, by just going, it, I'm gonna lead my own life, I'm just gonna do my own thing, I'm gonna let them do theirs, I'm gonna do mine. And now what we have are two people living in the same house on two completely different journeys.

to completely different roads and paths.

Kari Hoskins (12:53.141)

And if you let that go long enough, that's when you end up with separation and divorce. And that's what we're trying to prevent, if possible, right? Depending on the circumstances of your relationship. So what can you do if you are feeling alone in your marriage? Or if your partner has come to you? Here's what I suggest. First, we all need to decide what makes us feel connected to our partner.

And what's missing, right? What's missing from the relationship that is making you feel connected, that is making you feel seen, that is creating feelings of feeling heard. What is missing? That's what you need to think about. So generally speaking, there are four different areas that what I would consider four different areas of intimacy and intimacy is connectedness. Okay.

One of the first ones is emotional intimacy. So emotional intimacy is where you are having conversations with your partner reciprocally and sharing how you feel about things. How do you feel about that meeting? How do you feel about a relationship? How do you feel about the kids going off and doing this? Right? What do you feel about things? Another form of intimacy is what we call intellectual intimacy. And this is where you share what you think about things.

So a great way to engage in more intellectual intimacy might be to watch a documentary together and then talk about it. What do you think about this? Listen to a podcast and share with each other what you think about it, what your thoughts are. And here's the thing that I find really interesting. When you've been married for a significant amount of time, and what I consider significant is like 10 or more years, you think you know what your partner is going to say.

You think you know what your partner is going to think. Ask them anyway. Because for most of us, while we tend to have core belief systems, because of our life experiences and different things that we've gone through, sometimes our opinions and our thoughts change on things, but you're never gonna know unless you ask. So ask them and ask them why. The why is the deeper part. The why is the connectedness. Why do you think that? Why do you feel?

Kari Hoskins (15:23.265)

That's what helps you feel less alone. That's what helps you feel more seen. That's what helps you see your partner is understanding their why. So I always advocate for couples to ask why. Another form of intimacy is shared activities. and so like I said before, like watching Netflix, yeah, like you're sharing in that, but I'm talking more about activities and things that keep us or create connection. So,

Take a class together. Learn a new hobby if you don't enjoy doing the same things. My husband and I, we have a lot of common interests. It's one of the things that I love about our marriage. We love motorcycles. We ride motorcycles at the racetrack. We have a BMW GS, an adventure bike that we adventure all over the country on. Super fun. And we realized we want something more than just that. And so actually in April,

We're going to be starting a dance class. We're going to start taking swing, swing lessons through parks and rec. It's like 50 bucks. It's one night a week for one hour. We are both, have no idea if we're going to be good at this or not. I love dancing, so I'm super excited. And I'm really grateful that he's willing to give this a shot. And it was his idea actually. Why are we doing this? Because we already have a ton of things. We want to do something new together. That's a shared experience that

whether or not it goes well, it's going to definitely bring us closer together, right? So shared activities that bring you closer together. If you have kids, what tends to happen is you do a lot of dividing and conquering because we kind of have to do that a little bit to survive. But let's say that you all as a family go to a sports event to watch a kid swim or play soccer or play baseball.

That can be a connecting event for the four of you, of course. But if all of your shared activities revolve around your children, that's a red flag. You need to have shared activities and experiences that are just about the two of you. And more than just a date night, okay? I mean, date nights are fantastic if you're already feeling connected. But if you're feeling disconnected, my guess is you go on a date night and all you do is talk about the kids.

Kari Hoskins (17:50.274)

you need to talk about things like your future. What are your hopes? What are your dreams? What are some things that were really hard for you? If you're gonna use date night as your shared experience, then you need to throw some emotional and intellectual intimacy in there, okay? I think a really great way of coming up with a shared activity would be to find a weekly ritual that you can do. Maybe it's...

You walk the dogs together instead of one of you washing dishes and the other one taking the dog out for a walk. Maybe it's you go to coffee or you go grab a cocktail happy hour once a week together. Doing just small things regularly. Those are the things that bring us closer together and help us feel less alone. The other area of intimacy is physical intimacy. So here's what I have to say about physical intimacy is hold hands.

Have affection, sit close to each other on the couch, touch feet underneath the kitchen table. Physical affection outside of sex is a very connected activity. And in fact, if you are having sex and you are feeling alone in your marriage, my guess is that sex doesn't feel very good emotionally. It probably feels very empty because...

physical affection in a marriage and sexual intimacy in a marriage, what makes it intimate is if you emotionally feel connected. And when that is missing, it's also missing from the physical affection part. And that's one of the things that makes people shut down and not want to engage in more of that physical intimacy. So what do you do if you're the partner that wants to feel more connected? I would say, again, take a step back.

and identify what's missing that is making you or helping, not helping, that is creating the feelings of loneliness. What's missing there? Is it shared experiences? Is it emotional intimacy? Is it intellectual intimacy? Is it physical intimacy? Pick one of those and try one small thing this week to help you feel a little bit more close in that area.

Kari Hoskins (20:11.083)

Now, if you're the partner that is on the receiving end, like your spouse came to you and said, I'm feeling disconnected from you, I'm feeling alone. What should you do? Ask them, what's one thing that we can do to start working on this? What's one thing that I can do to start helping you feel more connected? And if you are resistant to this, I would really go inward and ask yourself why.

People tend to be resistant for so many reasons. Maybe there's trauma in your past. Maybe you are uncomfortable and afraid of sharing your feelings. Maybe you have a lot of dissatisfaction and you have a lot of defensiveness towards your partner. Those are sometimes the things that are getting in the way of people being willing to be more open and vulnerable and connected with their spouses. And so really I would look inward and figure out what

What is that barrier or that block for you? Okay. So if you are definitely feeling alone in your marriage, to the point where you are considering possibly separating or get a divorce and you want some help, you can connect with me in a couple of different ways. You can reach out to me on social media. I'm at Kari Hoskins Coaching. That's K-A-R-I.

HOSKINS coaching. I'm on Instagram and Facebook. You can DM me there and we can have a conversation. You can also find the link to my website in the show notes and you can fill out a form and we can email or feel free to book a free consultation and we can talk about what's going on and how I might be able to help you kind of figure out what's going on and figure out what it is that you want and see

what your next step might be. right, my friends. So your homework is to figure out what area do you think, what small activity can you do in one area that can help you feel more connected to your partner or your spouse this week? Talk to you next time.