Ep. 49: Can Your Marriage Be Saved? The First Sign Repair is Still Possible

If you're wondering whether or not your marriage can be repaired, this episode is for you. 

In this episode of The Divorce Decision Podcast, Kari Hoskins begins a 3-part series on one of the biggest questions couples face when their marriage is in crisis: Can this marriage actually heal?

Part 1 focuses on ownership. When one spouse wants to repair the marriage and the other is unsure, it can be hard to know whether real change is possible. Most people say they are willing to take responsibility, but true ownership is more than saying, “I know I’m not perfect.”

Real ownership means being able to name your part without defending it, be specific about how you contributed to the pattern, and understand the impact your behavior has had on your spouse and the relationship.

If you’re questioning divorce, trying to decide whether to stay or leave, or wondering whether your marriage can be repaired, this episode will help you look beyond apologies and promises to see whether both people are truly willing to participate in repair.

You’ll also get reflection questions to help you consider what you need to own — and what your spouse would need to own — for healing to feel possible.

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Transcript

Kari Hoskins (00:00.696)
Hey there everyone, welcome back to the Divorce Decision Podcast. I'm your host, Kari Hoskins, and today we're going to be starting a three part series on one of the biggest questions that couples face when their marriage is in crisis. And the question is some form of, can we actually make this better? Is it possible for our marriage to heal? Okay, and when couples start working with me, it is so common that one spouse

wants the marriage to work and they're willing to do the work to turn it around. And the other spouse isn't so sure, right? I would even go as far as to say the other spouse has like one foot out the door, okay? So both people usually come and they'll say something like, don't even know if it's even possible to make this better. And of course, one of my jobs is to help them figure this out. And...

I want to help you figure that out. So in this series, what I'm going to do is I'm going to walk you through three questions that can help you look at the possibility of repair more honestly. So today's question is, are both of you willing to own your part in how the marriage got here? Now, this is incredibly important when we're talking about repair. And one of the reasons why I wanted to start with this question,

is because if you follow a lot of self-help podcasts, if you follow other relationship coaches and life coaches, you're going to hear people say that it only takes one person to change the way the marriage feels. And I agree with that. I agree that you can improve yourself and that you can change how you communicate and you can clean up your side of the table and you can find a different perspective about your spouse and your marriage.

And doing all of those things are absolutely 100 % going to help you feel better or differently about your marriage. And with that said, one-sided mindset and behavior change can only go so far for so long, okay? So yes, your marriage can feel better if you're just doing the work on yourself. However, for true marital repair,

Kari Hoskins (02:26.924)
like to be done, it's really only possible if both of you are willing to participate in what repair requires. And the first thing that repair requires is acknowledgement and ownership from each of you for your part of the dynamic. Okay, now I'm gonna be honest here. I guess I'm always honest. I don't know why I said I'm gonna be honest here, but almost everyone tells me that they are willing to take responsibility and ownership.

But once we start coaching together, it becomes pretty evident pretty quickly how honest or not they are about their actual ability and willingness to take responsibility. So what I thought I'd do to help you answer this question is share with you what real ownership looks like, what fake ownership sounds like, and why this question matters so much when you are trying to figure out whether or not repair is still possible.

for your marriage. So the first, I would say, sign that real ownership is evident is when you can name your, actually what I should say is first, real ownership is evident when you can name your part of the marriage without immediately explaining it away. So what this means is you can own your part without defending yourself, okay?

So taking responsibility sounds like, look, I know I shut down when things get hard. I am sorry because I know that that leaves you like to deal with the problem alone and I can see how painful that's been for you. Okay, that's ownership versus I know I shut down when things get hard, but honestly, you make it impossible to talk to you, right? One comes with defensiveness and an excuse and the other one is

simply acknowledgement. Okay, so what we're looking for here is ownership without defensiveness or justification. Another sign that real ownership is present is when you can be specific about your contribution to the dynamic. Okay, so this is what vague ownership sounds like. Well, I know I'm not perfect, I'm human. Okay, no shit, Sherlock, all right.

Kari Hoskins (04:50.813)
Nobody asked you to be perfect. I have never met with a couple and one of them was like, expected, I expected perfection from you. That's not usually the case. Okay. So saying something along the lines of, I know I'm not perfect. It's not ownership. It's a cop out. Okay. So taking responsibility means being specific. It sounds like I know that I have avoided hard conversations in the past. I know that I've been

like dismissive and I get defensive when you bring up our finances and you start to stress out and worry about them out loud. I know that I let my resentment build and then I push you away with distance. Okay. I know that I criticize you instead of asking for what I need. Okay. So how is this different from the first example that I give? You are very specific about what it is that you recognize that you've done in the relationship.

Okay, now the reason why this matters and it matters a lot is because you can't change what you won't name. I'm gonna say that again. You can't change what you won't name. And there has to be some type of change in order for true repair to actually happen. The third sign that you are willing to take responsibility is when you can describe the actual impact that your behavior has had on your spouse.

and on the relationship. Now you guys, this is huge, okay? This is not just, look, I'm sorry that I lose my temper. So saying, I'm sorry that I lose my temper is only admitting to the action. It does not show your partner that you understand why that matters. True ownership includes the impact, not just the action, because repair happens when you can acknowledge what the behavior

did to the relationship. Okay, so look, when I yell, when I lose my temper, I can see now how, you know, it made you feel unsafe and it makes you feel like you can't bring things up to me. When I shut down, I can see that I leave you alone with the problem. When I lied, I can see that I damaged your ability to trust me. When I don't help you,

Kari Hoskins (07:18.581)
I can see how that sends the message that your time and your exhaustion doesn't matter to me. Okay, so all of these things, that specificity and acknowledgement of the impact matters because it shows that you actually get it. It shows that you understand the hurt. It also helps reduce defensiveness in yourself and in your partner. They're going to be way more receptive to what it is you have to say. And it helps rebuild

like emotional safety and all of these things are important if you want healing to happen. Or if you are curious if healing can happen, even if you're not sure that you want it to, okay? And so sometimes something that will come up is someone will understand, right, that they lose their temper, they shut down or they've lied, you know, and whatever, but they don't understand the impact that it's had on their spouse. So if you're like, okay, look,

I know that I can own these two things, but you're unsure the impact that it's had on your significant other, go ask them. Say, look, I know that this really bothered you that I lied about this thing. Can you tell me what effect that had on you? Like have the conversation, ask the question. That is going to go so far. And it is going to be another indication of whether, like their response of whether or not.

your marriage does have a chance at repair and healing. So really when it comes down to it, repair requires that the hurt spouse or spouses, mean, let's be honest, usually both of you are hurting, really need to believe that the other one gets it, that the other one understands what's happened, why it hurts, and why it cannot keep happening again and again and again.

If you only say, I won't do this thing again, but you don't understand like the impact of your behavior, your spouse has very little reason to believe or trust that any changes you make are going to stick. Because if you don't understand what your behavior has cost your partner or cost the relationship, you're more likely to repeat it. So as you think about this first question,

Kari Hoskins (09:42.228)
I really want you to ask yourself, can we be specific? Can we acknowledge the impact that we've had on each other? Can we move from the here's why I did it into here's what I see that it's cost us, right? So ownership is one of the very first signs that healing might still be possible for your marriage. Now it doesn't fix it overnight.

but at least it gives the relationship something to work with. If one of you is unable to take responsibility, the marriage usually stays trapped in blame. And blame, let's be honest, it feels good. It feels powerful in the moment, but it does not help you rebuild your marriage. So before we go, I want to leave you with two questions, okay, for you to consider. And I would really...

encourage you to sit with these questions this week. Question number one, what do I need to own without excusing, defending, or minimizing it? What do I need to own without excusing it, defending it, or minimizing it? And question two, what would I need my spouse to own for repair to feel possible? What would I need my spouse to own for my

Sorry, what would I need my spouse to own for repair to feel possible? Okay, so I encourage you to sit with those questions this week. So next week is part two of this three part series and we are going to move into the second question that will really help you understand whether or not repair is indeed possible in your marriage. And I'm gonna go ahead and give you the question now so you can start even thinking about it if you wanna go that far ahead in your mind. The question is this.

Is there still respect between you? And if there isn't, is there a willingness to rebuild it? So if this episode has helped you, which I sincerely hope it has, please share it with someone who is trying to figure out whether or not their marriage can heal. And if that someone happens to be you, which it likely is, I would invite you to book a complimentary consultation call with me where we are going to talk about

Kari Hoskins (12:06.215)
all the stuff that is happening in your marriage and what is possible, what concerns you have, what things you need help with, and what kind of support would indeed help you. All right, my friends, so this is the Divorce Decision Podcast. I'm Kari Hoskins, and I'll talk to you next week.