Ep. 50: Can Your Marriage Be Saved? One Thing You Can't Ignore

Can Your Marriage Be Saved? One Thing You Can't Ignore

Are you wondering if your marriage can be fixed — or if it's already too late? In this episode of the Divorce Decision Podcast, host Kari Hoskins digs into one of the most important questions you need to answer before you can even think about saving your marriage: Is there still respect between you and your spouse?

You might not feel in love right now. You might not even like each other very much. But without respect, repair is almost impossible — and Kari explains exactly why.

In this episode, you'll learn:

·       Why respect matters MORE than love when it comes to saving your marriage

·       7 warning signs that respect has already broken down in your relationship

·       The difference between frustration and contempt — and why it matters

·       How to know if YOU are still open to seeing your spouse differently

·       What "openness" really means (hint: it's NOT the same as forgetting or forgiving everything)

This is part two of a three-part series on can your marriage be saved. If you're not ready to give up but you're not sure if there's still hope, this episode is for you.

Take Kari's free quiz — Should We Get a Divorce? — at kahoskins.com

Should We Get A Divorce Quiz: https://kari-hoskins-coaching-llc.kit.com/9e533cdd68

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Transcript

Kari Hoskins (00:00.876)
Hey there everyone, welcome back to the Divorce Decision Podcast. I'm your host, Kari Hoskins, and this is part two of a three-part series that I'm doing on can your marriage heal? Another way of asking that question is can my marriage be saved, or can we even turn this marriage around? Those are all variations of the same basic question. So if you are still actively listening to this series,

It likely means that you are not 100% ready to shut that door yet. You need to know whether or not your marriage is truly over, or if it is indeed possible to turn it around. And so that is why we are going over these three questions. But before we jump into the content today, I would like to invite you to take my free quiz: Should we get a divorce? You can find it at kahoskins.com.

It only takes a few minutes and the results are going to show you exactly where you are in the divorce decision process. This has helped a lot of people start to figure out what they want for their marriage, and I hope that it can help you too. So go check that out at khoskins.com. So last week we looked at the first very important question. Are you both willing to own your part in how your marriage got here?

And if you missed that episode, I'd really encourage you to go back and check it out because not only is it foundational to everything that we're building on, it's actually foundational to the question of whether or not repair is possible, like standing on its own. Okay. So please go back and check that out if you have not already. So today we are in actually moving into question number two, which is is there still

Respect between you or at least a willingness to regain it. So here is what I want you to hear first, okay? It's that you don't need to be in love with your husband or your wife in order to start turning your marriage around. You don't have to feel close right now. In fact, you probably don't. You don't have to be excited to sit across from the table or sit across from them

Kari Hoskins (02:24.332)
In a coaching session and talk about how you're feeling and talk about everything that has happened in your relationship, and probably you won't be. Okay. in order for actual repair to happen, though, there does need to be some baseline of respect. That is so important. Research on long-term marriages consistently identify mutual respect as one of the top

protective factors in a marriage. And in terms of turning your marriage around, respect is 100% necessary and foundational for that to happen. Without it, you can't have safe conversations. It makes having hard, vulnerable communication more challenging. It takes teamwork to repair a marriage and teamwork requires respect. Okay.

And when that respect erodes, even small little conflicts can become really big and get really like unhealthy and toxic quickly. Once respect has been eroded, boundaries oftentimes get ignored and they're harder to adhere to. And to be honest with you, if you don't have respect for your partner, the desire to stay or even try to stay completely evaporates into thin air.

So these are just a few reasons why respect is something that you really need to take a step back and look at. So I'm going to share with you subtle, subtle, seven subtle signs that respect has unfortunately eroded in your marriage. Now, when I put this episode together, I was actually thinking about it from your perspective. Like, do you as the listener or the person watching this, do you still have respect?

Your partner. And then I started thinking about it. And really, you need to be listening to it not just through that lens, but the lens of do you think that your spouse has respect for you still? And if they don't have respect for you, do you think they'd be willing to regain it? So that's really kind of how I want you to be listening to these seven subtle signs. Okay, so let's jump into it.

Kari Hoskins (04:46.689)
Sign number one that respect may be eroded in your relationship is this. You've reduced them to their worst traits. So, what do I mean by that? What I mean is you've stopped seeing what's underneath their behavior. You've start stopped like trying to figure out why they do what they do or why they've said what they just said, and you start labeling it instead. And not only you're labeling it,

But you're making it mean something derogatory about them as a person. So maybe you used to think something like, well, you know, they just avoid hard conversations. That's turned into, well, they're just weak. Maybe used to think something like, well, they get, you know, they just get defensive. Now your thought is, well, they're impossible. Okay. So you've stopped looking at the motives for things.

and giving them some leeway and really started making it mean something negative about them as a person. Sign number two is that you assume the worst motive behind almost everything that they do. So anything that they do that's good or anything that they do that's kind gets filtered through susp like suspicion, right? So well they only said that to look good. They're only doing that because they want me to think XYZ. they don't really mean it. Okay.

Nothing they do gets the benefit of the doubt anymore. Sign number three is that you feel contempt where you used to just feel frustrated. So they might do something or say something and it would create frustration inside of you. Now, because you've lost respect, you feel disgust when they do stuff or say stuff. You feel superior to them. Maybe there's eye rolling when you talk to them.

Or sarcasm, like every statement you make about them is just dripping with sarcasm. You might have the quiet thought of, I can't believe I married someone like this. Okay. Those are all signs of contempt. So that is definitely something that needs to be on your radar. Sign number four is that you don't care how your words come across anymore. And I this is a really big one. This is one that is really hard to be around, like as an observer, you've shifted

Kari Hoskins (07:11.905)
From just trying to share like where you're at honest honestly, you've shifted from that into being really cutting and cold with the way that you say things. Like you're not taking care of the way that it comes across, right? Your goal is no longer just to be truthful, it's turn it turned into making sure that they feel it. It's twisting the knife, it's making sure that they feel small, it's minimizing them in some way. The fifth sign.

Is that you talk about them in ways that you'd be embarrassed for them to hear. I'm gonna call this character assassinations, right? To friends, to family, maybe even to your kids. People do this all the time. They go, Well, you know, you know your father, and then you know, they'll make a dispar you'll make a disparaging remark. That's such a hard word to say. Or, you know your mother, she's always like that, another disparaging remark, and it's typically about their character. That is definitely a bad sign.

Sign number six, you can't find anything good in them anymore. You don't remember any of their strengths. There's not one decent thing that they do, not one good intention, not one part of them is still valuable to you. That is another sign that respect is likely gone. And sign number seven is that you've already decided who they are and what they'll do. So no matter what they try to show you.

No matter what growth they may be showing you, or what effort they may be making, or what change they've been actively doing, you can't see it. Like you've already made up your mind, the verdict is in. They can't change. They can't be the person that I want them to be. Right? So these are very subtle in the sense that they're not things that I think we think about often. Okay. So I really want you to go back over those and consider.

Do you have any of those signs that you no longer respect your husband or your wife? And are you seeing evidence of that from their side as well? Okay. So something else that I want you to hear with all of this is that you don't have to approve of everything that they've done. everything is even a stupid word. You don't have to approve of things that your spouse has done in order to respect them. Okay. this is not about pretending

Kari Hoskins (09:39.778)
That things in the past didn't happen. It's not about skipping over the hurt that you and likely your spouse has, you know, felt and experienced in the marriage. What respect and you know the idea that respect is still there, what that means is that you're able to talk about things without making it mean a whole bunch of bad things about them. You're able to really look at them and where things are now.

without permanently reducing your spouse to the worst version of themselves. So where are you with that? Where do you land? Where do you think they land? If respect is not there right now, the next question becomes are you open to rebuilding it? Are you open to seeing them in a different way? Can you imagine seeing them differently? If they showed up consistently with ownership and follow-through

And real emotional maturity, would you be open to that? Can you allow new behaviors to matter even if you're not ready to fully trust it? Are you able to see it, recognize it, acknowledge it? Okay. So openness again does not mean that you're being naive. Okay? It doesn't mean forgetting. All it means is you have enough respect for them or you have enough willingness.

to try to gain that respect back, that that door is cracked open just a little bit, just enough to see what they're gonna do with it. And if your honest answer right now is hell nope, no, I'm not willing to see them differently, then that information really does matter because turning your marriage around, actual repair requires both of you to put in the work, both of you to make changes.

both of you to demonstrate respect for one another or an openness to regaining that respect for one another. Okay. So here's a question that I want you to sit with this week, right? Can I see my spouse as a whole person? Or am I at least willing to try? So don't rush past that. Really sit with it because it is actually important.

Kari Hoskins (11:59.115)
So next week we are going to get to the third question, which is a doozy. It's one that keeps up most people at night, and I'm gonna share it with you next week. But if this episode helped you, resonated with you, please share it with someone who is trying to figure out whether or not their marriage can heal and if they want it to. And if that person happens to be you, I invite you to book a complimentary consultation call with me. We will walk through what is happening.

We're going to talk about what is on your mind, what is on your heart, and what kind of support would actually help you right now in the moment while you are considering whether or not you want to save your marriage or leave your marriage. Okay, my friends, that is what I have for you today. I am Kari Hoskins, and this is the Divorce Decision Podcast. I'll talk to you next week.