Ep. 55: Is Your Conflict Normal? 3 Questions to Ask Yourself

Is the fighting in your marriage normal — or is it a sign of something deeper? 

Today, I'm answering one of the questions I get asked most by walking you through three simple signs to check in your own relationship.

You'll learn:

·       Why the topic of a fight matters less than whether it stays on topic — and what it means when small arguments turn into old, unrelated hurts

·       The real difference between couples who repair after conflict and couples who just go quiet and move on without ever really moving on

·       Why silence, not yelling, is often the bigger warning sign in a struggling marriage

·       Three honest questions to ask yourself this week to get a clearer, more accurate read on where your marriage really stands

This episode isn't about deciding if your marriage is doomed. It's about helping you see the pattern clearly, so you can stop guessing and start telling yourself the truth about what's actually happening.

Should We Get A Divorce Quiz: https://kari-hoskins-coaching-llc.kit.com/9e533cdd68

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Transcript

Kari Hoskins (00:00.46)
Hey there everyone, welcome back to the Divorce Decision Podcast. I am so delighted that you decided to join me today because I think this is a topic that is quite relevant to most people, regardless of how healthy or unhealthy your relationship is. And so, you know, one of the ways that I pick my topics is by not only patterns that I see showing up when I work with people, but also based off of like questions.

That I get a lot. And today's topic is about conflict and what is, you know, normal conflict versus conflict that is a sign that your marriage is in like deep trouble. and that is definitely a question that I get a lot. Like, is this normal? Right. And I say, Yes, it is, or no, it's not. So that's how I came up with today's topic, because this is a question that I've actually received a lot in the last couple of months. So

I thought you guys all might benefit from it. So the topic today is: is the arguing that you and your spouse are doing, is that normal in air quotes, or is it a sign that your marriage is in a lot deeper trouble than you might realize? Okay. And so what I'm going to do is I'm gonna give you three questions to ask yourself that can help you figure this out. All right. So question number one is.

Do your arguments stay on topic? Normal fighting stays connected to the issue, right? To whatever it is that you're disagreeing about. Maybe it's the car, maybe it's errands or chores or whatever. Okay. Deeper trouble, what happens, you know, in those relationships is you start arguing about the car and then

The argument just totally goes off the rails. And next thing you know, you're arguing about something that happened six months ago. Okay? So normal conflict is usually about the actual thing that happened. You forgot to pick up the prescription or you were late again, or you said you'd handle you know, paying that bill or reaching out to the insurance company, but you didn't. You were on the phone when I was trying to talk to you and I've asked you a couple of times, would you please put your phone down?

Kari Hoskins (02:24.749)
Okay, so it might be frustrating, the disagreement might get tense, but your fight or your argument is still connected to the actual issue that you're having a problem with. In unhealthy and deeply troubled marriages, conflict sounds much different. It becomes you never follow through. You don't care about me. I can't count on you for anything. This is exactly why I don't trust you. You always make me feel alone. Okay.

So that's when the fight or the argument has moved from this thing that has happened to what this thing means about you, me, and us. Right? So really it's about are you making whatever this disagreement is about, are you making it mean more than it actually means? Okay. Now, sometimes the shift is valid, right? Sometimes that small thing really is attached to a bigger problem.

or a bigger pattern. But that's exactly why it matters. The question isn't are we fighting about something silly? The better question is does this fight stay on topic? Is it about the issue or does it become proof of everything that feels wrong in the marriage? Does it become more evidence that my husband or my wife is lacking in character or some other thing in some way? Okay.

So that's a big clue. Question number two. Are you able to effectively like repair after a fight? So normal fighting can repair. You can resolve stuff. Deeper trouble definitely leaves like, I'm gonna call it a residue on your relationship. Every couple fights, y'all. This is not the problem. The problem is what happens after.

Kari Hoskins (04:25.919)
In healthy marriages, you might fight, but then you cool off, you circle back, you soften, you apologize, someone makes a joke, or you just like naturally find your way back to each other. Okay, it may not be perfect, but there's some kind of repair. I know like in my marriage, when my husband and I argue, one he's almost always the first one that does this.

If we're arguing or we're upset with each other, especially if we're in the car, he will, you know, reach his hand over and hold my hand. I know I've said that like a million times on this podcast. but he'll, you know, come over and and give me a hug if we're not in the car. He'll do something even if we're still upset, okay, with each other. Right? We find our way back to each other. That fight or the disagreement doesn't become like this permanent part of our relationship. It doesn't

like add to any resentment. Okay. But in a marriage that's in deeper trouble, fights don't really end. They just go underground. You stop talking about it and you s but you're still like carrying it around with you, right? So there's coldness, there's distance, there's a heaviness in the room. You move on logistically, but emotionally nothing has been repaired. So you're still making dinner

Still driving the kids around, still functioning, but inside, one or both of you is just like adding whatever happened and whatever was said to the pile of resentment that you that you've been creating, right? And that pile is what becomes dangerous. Okay. So eventually what happens is you're not just reacting to what happened today, you're reacting to what happened today.

Plus the last, I don't know, year, five years, 10 years of unresolved hurt, of unresolved problems. Okay, so the question here to ask is, after conflict, do we find our way back to each other? Or does every fight leave more residue behind on our relationship? The third question: Do you still bring up and talk about things that are bothering you?

Kari Hoskins (06:50.273)
Right, and that goes both ways. Are you bringing it up to your spouse? Are they bringing it up to you? Okay. Normal fighting still has engagement. Deeper trouble often gets quiet. So a lot of people think that like one of the biggest signs is really loud arguing or frequent arguing. And sometimes that is the case. But in a lot of marriages, the bigger warning sign is not the yelling.

It's the silence. It's the quiet. Because it's not peaceful quiet. It's not we took a break and now we come back and we're calmer, right? It's not that kind of quiet. I'm talking about the kind of quiet where one or both of you has stopped bringing things up because you already know how it's going to go. So you stop asking, stopped explaining, you stopped trying to be understood.

You stopped hoping that the conversation will change anything. That kind of silence can look calm from the outside, but inside of the marriage, it often means that one or both of you is emotionally checking out. Okay? you know, because when people still argue, there's still some investment there. You're still trying to be heard, you're still trying to connect, you're still trying to get on the same page, you still care enough to.

Push to resolve and to get to the bottom of things. But when you stop trying completely, that may not mean things are better. It may mean that you're done asking for change. So the question there, you guys, to ask is: are we still willing to talk about what matters? Or has one of us or both of us quietly stopped trying? So look, here is the bottom line.

Normal fighting and deeper trouble can look very similar in the moment. The difference is what happens after. Can you repair? Can you come back to each other? Can you talk about things that actually matter? Are you both still willing to try? Or has the conflict started leaving residue, resentment, distance, and silence behind? That's what I want you guys to pay attention to. It's the pattern.

Kari Hoskins (09:14.125)
Okay, now listen, if you are listening to this and you're like, okay, but I still don't know where we are, that totally makes sense. It is really hard to see like your own marriage inside of it clearly, right? that's why coaches have coaches. That's why therapists have their own therapists, right? That's why a dentist has their own dentist because it is hard to see things when you're on the inside of it.

Okay, but I created a quiz for you. It's called Should We Get a Divorce. It is free, it is private, and it is designed to like help you figure out where you are in that divorce like decision process, I'm gonna say. And it's not to push you towards staying or leaving, but it's to help you, I don't know, like get out of the fog of whatever it is that you're in, so you can start asking the right questions.

Okay, so you can take that quiz at kahoskins.com. it only takes a couple of minutes, so I would encourage you to do that. And I'm also gonna put it in the show notes for you, okay? And it's not about making a decision, you guys, it's really just about helping you find a little bit more clarity. And clarity starts with telling the truth about what is actually happening inside of your marriage. All right. So look, if you found

Today's episode to be helpful. First of all, yay. Second of all, would you please just take a moment of your time and leave me a review? That would really help me out. Also, if you happen to know someone who could benefit from what we talked about today, please share this episode. All right. Alright, my friends, that is what I have for you today. Thank you so much for listening. I'm Kari Hoskins, and this is the Divorce Decision Podcast. I'll talk to you next time.