Ep. 56: 3 Things Your Unhappiness Is Teaching You

If you're unhappy in your marriage, it's easy to get stuck pointing at the obvious stuff — the dishes he won't do, the phone she won't put down, the sex you're not having, the way he shuts down every time you bring something up. 

But what if the behavior isn't actually the problem?

In today's episode, I break down three things your unhappiness is trying to teach you — if you can stop focusing on the unhappiness itself long enough to hear it.

First, I talk about how almost every complaint is hiding an unmet need. "I need you to get a job" is rarely about the job — it's about not wanting to carry the family alone. "Can you put your phone down" is rarely about the phone — it's about wanting to feel like you're still chosen. I'll walk you through how to ask yourself the follow-up question that gets you to what you're actually missing: connection, partnership, to feel desired, to not feel alone.

Second, I talk about the pattern running underneath your issues — the one where you bring something up and he gets defensive, so you get louder, so he shuts down further. Or where you avoid saying the thing to keep the peace, until it comes out sideways over coffee on a random Sunday morning. I'll ask you to shift from "what is my spouse doing wrong" to "how do I show up when I'm hurt" — because that's where the real clarity lives.

Third, I talk about agency — and how many of us have quietly handed ours over while we wait. Waiting for him to initiate. Waiting for her to soften. Waiting for the apology that never really lands. I'll ask you what you're choosing every time you stay silent, avoid the hard conversation, or accept the same non-apology on repeat.

My hope is that by the end of this episode, you're not asking "should I leave," but something more useful: what do I actually need, what have I already tried, and what am I no longer willing to keep repeating? Because the goal isn't to make a fast decision about your marriage — it's to make a clear one.

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Transcript

Kari Hoskins (00:00.718)
Hey there everyone, welcome back to the Divorce Decision podcast. Let's talk about your unhappiness today. If you are struggling in your marriage in any capacity, it is very likely that you would say that you're unhappy. And I'm not talking about the kind where your husband or your wife did something last week that really pissed you off and you're like still not happy about it.

I'm talking about the kind that you go to bed and you wake up with. The kind that keeps you distracted when your kid is trying to like relay some silly story about something that happened today. The kind that has you coming up with excuses to leave the house so that you don't have to be around your spouse. The kind that has you crying in the showers, sh in the showers, in the shower most mornings.

Right, or polishing off several drinks at night. That kind of unhappiness. Now, because we all tend to have a little bit of a different definition of what unhappiness looks like or what it means, the nerd in me really wanted to share with you the actual definition, just so that you can kind of figure out where you are at. Okay. So according to vocabulary.com,

Unhappiness is a feeling of being sad or discontent. A state characterized by emotions ranging from mild discontentment to deep grief. Now, in my experience, how long you've been struggling in your marriage and which stage you're in in that divorce decision affects how far down the spectrum of unhappiness you are.

And if you are contemplating or fantasizing or questioning divorce, you are in one of the stages of the divorce decision. Okay, now if you don't know which stage you're in, please go take my quiz. It is called Should We Get Divorce quiz, and you can find it at khoskins.com. I also have it in the show notes for you, okay, because that quiz is really going to help orient you.

Kari Hoskins (02:22.764)
To where you are at in your thought process. So, today what I want to do is I want to share with you three things that your unhappiness is teaching you. And if you can focus less on the unhappiness itself and more on what you're learning from it, it's going to be way easier, I promise you, to come to a decision about your marriage with more confidence and clarity.

Okay, so I want you to think about your specific situation, your marriage, your husband or your wife, and each of these things as we go through them.

Kari Hoskins (03:05.59)
Okay, the first thing that your unhappiness might be revealing to you is what's missing or what you really need to feel loved, safe, or fulfilled and emotionally connected in your marriage. Now, I know this sounds totally obvious, but hang with me because I'm going to give you a little bit different per like perspective on this, okay? So I think that this is a particularly interesting one because the way that you're unmet.

Needs and desires show up in your head in the way that you talk to yourself changes the longer you've been unhappy. Okay, so if you are in like stages one through three of the divorce decision process, you have probably been brushing some things aside. Maybe you've been telling yourself, it's not that big of a deal. I don't need more affection, I'm fine. I don't need deeper conversations. It's what I got my friends for. I don't need him to follow through.

I can handle it, right? I don't need emotional intimacy. I don't need sex to feel connected. I don't need support. I don't need. I don't need. I don't need. Except you do. And how do we know that? Because the longer those things go unaddressed, the deeper your discontentedness gets. And that, my friends, is when you enter into the later stages. So when you go from unhappiness to resentment.

It then very kind of s well, for some people it's slow, for other people it's fast, will turn into divorce, true divorce contemplation. Okay. Now I am not saying it is your spouse's responsibility to make you happy all the time or to meet all of your needs. You definitely need to take responsibility for yourself. Okay. and it is also true at the same time.

That feeling fulfilled in your marriage is really at the core of it about partnership and years of living consistently without something that you actually need to feel like you're in a loving, supportive, enjoyable partnership takes an emotional and relational toll on you. Okay. Okay, so now here's really the part that I want you to pay super close attention to. And it's the part that most people get wrong.

Kari Hoskins (05:31.713)
One of the biggest mistakes that I see is assuming that the unmet need, and I'm putting that in air quotes, is about the thing instead of what that thing represents. Okay? So the dishes aren't really about the dishes. The job isn't about the job. The phone isn't usually about the phone. Those are behaviors. And underneath, almost every behavior is an unmet need.

So I'm gonna like give you just a couple of examples to show you what I mean. Okay. I'm gonna start with the job thing. and the reason why I'm starting with this is I literally have four clients right now. some of them I'm working with independently, just with one spouse, and some of them I'm working with them as a couple, okay? But all four have some of the same needs, okay? So a husband or a wife says, I need you to get a job. Okay, that sounds like the problem is employment.

But when you really get underneath the surface of that, what they're really needing and what they're really saying is, I don't want to feel like I'm carrying this family by myself. I am overwhelmed by the pressure of the financial burden resting on my shoulders. I need to know that we're partners. So that unmet need isn't just about employment. It's about partnership and shared responsibility.

Or maybe it's can you please put your phone down? Right? I need them to pay attention to me. I need them to put their phone down. Again, it sounds like the problem is screen time. But underneath that request is often something much deeper. I miss you. I want your attention. I want to feel like I'm more interesting than whatever it is you're looking at. The phone isn't the issue. The unmet need there is connection. Another one that I hear a lot of times is.

is I need more help around the house or I need more help with whatever it is, right? But underneath that, it's often I don't want to feel like I'm alone running this family. I need partnership. I need somebody. I want someone to share the load with. That's a completely different conversation, you guys. And I'm gonna give you one more example, another really common example. Okay. I want or need you to initiate sex more often.

Kari Hoskins (07:54.476)
Now on the surface, and again, this is a big one that comes up. On the surface, that sounds like a conversation about how much you're having sex. But many times, really, what they're saying is, I want to feel desired. I want to know that you still choose me. I want to feel like I'm attractive to you. That is a different need than simply having more sex. Now, here is why this matters.

Because we become so focused on the behaviors when in reality we need to be addressing what is under the core unmet need underneath what those behaviors are representing. Okay, so this is what I want you to do. I want you to think of something that you need. I'm sure you can think of one right now. I'm gonna give you just a second, okay? I need you to think of something that you need. Okay, so I need blank. Okay, you got it?

Okay, so I need whatever it is. Now, if your husband or your wife did that thing or fulfilled that need, what would it give you?

I'm just pausing for a second. Okay, so I need blank. Now, if your husband or your wife did that thing, what would it give you? I need you to get a job. Okay, if you got a job tomorrow, what would that give you? Well, I'd feel like I wasn't carrying everything. Awesome. Now what would that give you? I'd feel like I had a partner. You guys, that's the need. Or I need you to stop looking at your phone.

If they did that, what would that give you? Well, I feel like they actually wanted to spend time with me. Okay? Now we're talking about connection, not the phone. So I hope you guys get that. I hope that made that clear. Those are the conversations that you need to start having with your spouse if you have not already. Okay. And I really want to encourage you to take a step back after you identify really what the need is.

Kari Hoskins (10:03.081)
and see if they are fulfilling that need, but maybe just not in the way that you want them to, or in a way that you have previously recognized, because that's really another important part of this piece. A lot of times what I will uncover or what we uncover during our coaching is that some of the needs that people have, their partner thinks they're fulfilling them, but they're not because it's not in the way that their partner or their spouse receives it. Okay.

and so I think this is really, really important for you guys to figure out what is missing and figuring out is it completely missing or is it being demonstrated differently than what you would like? That is an important distinction, and it's also important information for you as you are trying to figure out what you want to do about your marriage. Okay, so the second thing that your unhappiness might be showing you or teaching you is your

Pattern, okay. When you are unhappy, it is really easy again to focus on those behaviors. Focus on the obvious issue: the sex, the money, the parenting, the in-laws, the drinking, the tone of voice, the phone, the lack of help. these things, of course, are important, right? But what's really creating the unhappiness is the pattern underneath all of that stuff. Okay, so your pattern is.

Is also part of your dynamic. And in most cases, if you allow your mind to go back in time, you will be able to identify when this pattern first started showing up. Now that pattern might be maybe you bring something up, he gets defensive, you get louder, he shuts down. Or maybe you ask for change, she agrees. Things improve for a couple weeks and then go right back to the way they were.

Maybe it's you avoid saying the thing because you don't want to start a fight, but then resentment just unexpectedly comes out sideways on a Sunday morning when you're grabbing your cup of coffee and you spend the rest of your day pissed off. Maybe you keep score because you don't feel appreciated. Maybe you feel criticized, or I'm sorry, you criticize because you are desperate for your husband or your wife to hear you. Okay, maybe you withdraw.

Kari Hoskins (12:29.997)
Because you're tired of being disappointed. So this is where the unhappiness can be very, very clarifying if you take a step back. And instead of focusing on what you know, what your spouse is doing wrong, shift to how am I showing up? How do I behave when I hurt when I'm hurt? Do I actually say what I need, or do I hint and hope they'll figure it out? Do I bring things up when they're small?

Or do I wait until I am so furious I can't even see straight? Do I set boundaries? Or do I complain after I'm already overextended myself? Or do I complain after I'm disappointed? Okay? Do I ask for repair? Or do I punish them with distance? And this is, okay, I'm gonna give you one more, you guys. I'm just giving you all these examples because I think it makes it easier for people to identify with. And this is a big one.

Am I asking for change, but then making it almost impossible for them to get it right? Ouch. That's one that a lot of people struggle with. Okay? Now, these are the things that you guys really, really need to get honest about to find clarity. If you are in limbo about your marriage and you truly, truly want to figure out what the best thing for yourself and your family is, these are important questions to consider.

Okay, so are you questioning your marriage because your spouse is incapable of helping you create a healthier marriage? Or are you questioning your marriage from inside of a pattern that neither of you, A, has been able to identify, that neither of you has the tools or the honesty or the support to change? Right? So I want you to go back in your mind and try to identify the patterns.

That are underneath that unhappiness. Okay? So this kind of honest assessment is significant because whether you stay and rebuild your marriage or you decide to go through with that divorce, you take yourself with you, you guys. Right? Let me repeat that. You take yourself with you. And so when you can shift your focus from how they are making you unhappy to how you're contributing to the unhappy pattern.

Kari Hoskins (14:56.863)
It's going to help you make a decision about trying to save your marriage or leave it from a more authentic and healthy place. Okay, and hopefully it's going to help you prevent this pattern from showing up again, either in your current marriage that you're going to rebuild or in a new relationship. Okay, but you have to understand that pattern clearly enough to know what can be changed.

Identify what's already like been tried, what have you already done, and what are you honestly no longer willing to keep repeating? Okay, so what do you think can be changed in your marriage? What have you already tried? And what are you no longer willing to keep enduring and repeating? Those are my questions for you. Okay, the last thing, and this is a big one, that your unhappiness might be showing you is

Where you've given away your agency. Okay, so having agency in a relationship means having the autonomy to make your own decisions, to take your own actions, to set boundaries that ultimately help shape your marital dynamic. And it allows you to act intentionally, accept personal responsibility, and express your genuine needs while simultaneously respecting your partners.

And this is a big one. A lot of people do not recognize how much they've given away. And they've just started waiting for their spouses to become different before they allow themselves to like make a change, feel better, make a decision about the relationship. Okay? So here are my questions. Are you waiting for him to finally get it? Are you waiting for her to be softer? Are you waiting for him to initiate? Are you waiting for her to stop criticizing?

Are you waiting for him to plan the date? Are you waiting for her to forgive you? Are you waiting for the apology? Waiting for the emotional maturity, waiting for proof. Waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting. Now sometimes the patience and the waiting does make sense, but only to a certain degree. Because after a certain amount of time, what happens is that waiting does a couple things. It keeps you stuck and it it like mires and pulls you down.

Kari Hoskins (17:24.149)
into resentfulness. Okay. So listen, you obviously know a marriage requires two people. Marriage is a team sport. You cannot rebuild and turn around a marriage by yourself. And I've said this before and it's a little bit, I don't know, controversial, I guess, like in the self-help world. I do believe that you can change a certain amount of your relationship dynamic and a certain amount of your marriage all by yourself. But for for a marriage to truly change, it takes

Both people making a commitment and participating in it. Okay. You cannot carry emotional intimacy for two people. You cannot communicate enough or even honestly enough for both of you. Right? You can, however, lose years waiting for your spouse to decide to participate. So

This is another place where I would really like to encourage you to start asking different questions. Not just when is my spouse going to change? Will my spouse change? Can they change? Okay, those are good questions. However, I want you to turn inward. Where am I giving up my agency? What have I been choosing by staying quiet? What am I choosing by avoiding the hard conversation? What am I choosing by accepting the same?

apology with no follow-through. What am I sacrificing when I don't hold boundaries? Or maybe you're not setting them at all. Lord help me. So many of you are not setting boundaries, which is one of the ways that you get to where you are. Okay. What am I choosing by pretending that this doesn't affect me? That's usually something that people struggle with in stages one through three. Okay. What am I choosing by staying stuck in limbo, right?

So there is a point where your unhappiness is telling you, hey, person, you need to participate in your life again and you need to participate more actively in this relationship instead of taking that passive waiting role, right? Maybe you need to set healthy boundaries and hold them. Maybe you need coaching or therapy. Maybe you need to have a more direct, specific conversation.

Kari Hoskins (19:44.288)
About specific things that you think could make your marriage better. Okay? Maybe it means giving the marriage a real chance instead of silently keeping score of every time your spouse fucks up. Okay? I should probably bleep that out. Maybe it means giving the marriage a real chance instead of just silently keeping score every time your spouse messes up. And it might mean

Preparing yourself to leave if that pattern does not change. But either way, your life cannot be entirely on hold while you wait for them to be ready, while you wait for them to make changes. You need to start taking your agency back and taking some kind of proactive stance. Okay? So look, if you are unhappy in your marriage, I do not want you.

Immediately turn that into I need to leave today or tomorrow or next week. But I also don't want you to dismiss it. Your unhappiness is telling you something. I really think of unhappiness as an invitation to get honest about what's really going on. Okay? Honest about what you need, honest about what you've tried, honest about your part in the pattern, honest about where you've given up your agency.

And honest about whether your spouse or what whether you think your spouse is willing to meet you in that change. Okay? And I also think it's important to really look at what it's costing you to stay exactly where you are. Okay? So the goal here, my friends, is not to make a fast decision about your marriage. Not at all. The goal is to make a clear one. Alright? Okay, my friends, I hope that this gave you food for thought.

and that it was helpful. And this is what I got for you today. And I hope to see you next week. I'm Kari Hoskins and this is the Divorce Decision Podcast. Talk to you next time.