Lukewarm Love: How NOT to Love a Nurse EP1

Happy Nurses Week.

If you got pizza, a pen, and a “you’re a hero” sign, congratulations. The system remains unchanged.

If you got nothing, also congratulations. At least no one pretended.

Either way, this episode is not about that.

This is the first part of a six-part series about something we don’t name clearly enough: why nurses can be surrounded by “support” and still feel like they’re carrying everything alone.

This is about lukewarm love.

The kind that sounds right, looks right, and does absolutely nothing to reduce what you’re holding.

If you have ever left a shift thinking, “I don’t know how much longer I can do this,”  and then showed up again anyway, this is going to make sense in a way that might feel uncomfortable at first, but also relieving.

We break down the difference between support that is said and support that is actually felt. The difference between perceived support and received support. The gap between intention and impact.

We get into what weaponized incompetence actually looks like in real life. Not as a buzzword, but as a pattern where the work of thinking, planning, and managing gets handed back to the person who is already overloaded.

We talk about the mental load of nursing. The constant tracking, anticipating, adjusting, and holding that does not show up on a task list but absolutely shows up in your nervous system.

And we talk about how this does not stay at work.

How the same patterns follow you home. How being the one who manages everything on shift often turns into being the one who manages everything in your life. Not because you chose it, but because you were trained into it.

This series is not based on the popular “love languages” model. That framework is not strongly supported as a fixed psychological theory. But it did give people a way to start thinking about how they give and receive care.

We’re taking that idea and grounding it in reality.

Over the next few episodes, we’re going to walk through four specific forms of support that nurses consistently need in order to function and sustain themselves:

Initiative
Protection
Relief
Witnessing

When those are missing, what you feel is not random. It is patterned. And once you can see the pattern, you can start to change how you respond to it.

REFLECTION

Where in your life are you accepting support that sounds good but does not actually help you?

And what would it look like if it did?

FAN VOICEMAIL

There is a new voicemail feature in the show notes.

Use it!! woooo!

Tell me about a time when you realized what you were getting was not actually support. Or a time when it was, and it changed everything.

Keep it short or don’t. Stay anonymous or don’t. Your call bestie.

Transcript

Nurses Week And Series Setup

SPEAKER_04 0:11

Oh, hello. Hi, my beauties. It's Reva, your ritual nurse, host of the podcast, and currently a fairly insane because I'm about to graduate goblin black cat hybrid. At least today I didn't bite anyone so far. It is Nurses Week. And in true nursing fashion, I haven't slept in an ungodly amount of hours. I'm running on trusty caffeine and malicious compliance. And while I do not have lukewarm pizza, cheap pens, or empty platitudes for you, I do have a labor of love. This is the first episode in a six-part series called Lukewarm Love, How Not to Love a Nurse. So we've all heard about the love languages. More on that later, I promise. What if the reason that you still feel unsupported at work, maybe unseen, invalidated, maybe just frustrated and exhausted constantly, is because what you actually need has never been named. This series is about the four ways nurses actually experience support, and why missing out on even one of them can leave you feeling like you're doing everything alone. We create a roadmap to the nurse's heart that brings validation and understanding to the experience of support. And I'm talking real support, not weaponized incompetence or learned helplessness, or even legitimately well-intentioned, if yet egocentric gestures. So let's talk about something that might feel a little uncomfortable at first. A lot of what nurses are taught to accept as support isn't actually support. It's polite, it sounds kind, it checks the box of what we think care is supposed to look like. But when you actually sit in it, when you actually live in it for 12 or more hours at a time, it doesn't reduce your workload. It doesn't protect you, it doesn't help you breathe. And if you've ever walked out of a shift thinking, why am I so completely drained? Even though everyone was so nice today. It was a good team day. Maybe we even had good snacks. Well, this is why. Because what you're surrounded by is lukewarm love. And lukewarm love looks like support, but it leaves you carrying everything, anyways. And the uncomfortable part is that because this is the support we're taught to receive, because this is what we're taught support looks like, it's also the support we offer a lot of times. You know the kind of shift I'm talking about. No one is openly rude, there's no big blow-ups, your charge nurse is pleasant, your coworkers are friendly, maybe people are even smiling, people are saying the right things. On paper, it's a good team day. And yet, we're all still drowning. I mean, picture this. You've got one patient declining, two more escalating, another who needs constant redirection, and your charting is stacking up behind you like a threat you're just trying not to look at directly. Don't just don't make eye contact. You haven't had any water, and you definitely haven't peed. Your brain is running 12 different threads at once, and every single one of them matters. And people pass by you and say, hey, let me know if you need anything. And it just lands wrong. Not because they're bad people, not because they don't mean it, but because in that moment you don't have the time or the dopamine to stop, scan your entire assessment, decide what can be safely handed off, translate that into instructions, and then follow-up to make sure it's even done correctly. All of that, that is work. That is mental and emotional labor. So instead, you say what you've been trained to say. I'm okay, and you're very much not okay. You push through, you finish late, you sit in your car in silence before you drive home. Because you physically cannot go straight from that level of demand into being your own person again. Or maybe getting out of the car means you go straight from nurse, straight into mom slash dad, wife slash husband, friend, etc., etc. From one role with demands right into another one with all new unmet demands. And you can't quite explain why you feel unsupported in a place where everyone was technically awesome, and all they kept telling you was, we're here to support you. We're here supporting you. That's because it's lukewarm love. Lukewarm love is what happens when care becomes performative instead of functional. It prioritizes how support sounds over what support actually does. And nursing culture is saturated with it. We hear, we appreciate you all the time. We hear, you're doing amazing. We hear, we're here for you. We're a team. Let me know what you need. And none of those things are inherently bad. The problem is that they are often not paired with action and intention. They don't come with workload distribution. They don't come with someone stepping in without being asked. They don't come with protection or relief or real tangible support. So the burden stays exactly where it was. On you. And because nurses are trained to anticipate, to plan, to prevent problems before they happen, we often don't even recognize how much extra work we're doing just to maintain the illusion that everything is fine. We're not just completing tasks, we're tracking everything. We're predicting what's going to go wrong, we're holding the emotional tone of the room. We're managing families, patients, providers, and each other. So when someone offers vague support, it doesn't lighten the load. It often adds to it. Because now you are responsible for coordinating your own help. When we come back, we are going to continue into this incredible dive into what just might be the greatest little crash course you've ever fallen into. Sands the cold pizza, of course. So let's just take a breath for a second. In through the nose and out through the mouth. It's the dance break, of course it is. Roll your shoulders back. That means take them down from up around your ears. I want you to unclench your jaw, lower those eyebrows. If your hands are tight, shake them out for a second. You've probably been holding more tension than you realized. And just for a moment, you don't have to perform. You don't have to anticipate. You don't have to fix anything. Just dance it out.

SPEAKER_00 8:38

Laying on the beach of sunlight in my eyes.

Perceived Support Vs Received Support

Weaponized Incompetence Explained

When The Pattern Follows You Home

The Love Languages Myth Check

Scripts For Real Help Now

Coffee Crystals And Crystal Prescription

Tarot Pulls Plus Closing Challenge

SPEAKER_04 9:28

Come back to me. Let's keep diving. So there's a concept we need to ground this in because this isn't just a feeling. There's actual structure behind why this hits so damn hard. There is a difference between perceived support and received support. Let's say that again. There is a difference between perceived support and received support. Perceived support is what people say. It's the demonstration. It's the verbal acknowledgement or agreement. Received support is intentional. It's what actually changes your experience. It's when your workload is reduced, when someone takes a task, when someone steps in and shares responsibility in a way that you can feel in your body. And research is really clear on this. Burnout is not just about emotional strain, it is strongly tied to workload, lack of control, lack of meaningful support, and lack of psychological safety. So when support stays the operational level of mouth words, your brain doesn't register that as safety. It registers it as, oh, you're still responsible for everything, and you're also responsible for not making that a problem. And that creates a very specific kind of exhaustion. The kind where you're not just tired, you're done. We need to talk about the thing that lives right underneath that. Just kind of seething underneath there. And it's called weaponized incompetence. And I want to be clear here. This is not always intentional. But it is impactful, whether it's intentional or not. Weaponized incompetence is when someone avoids responsibility by positioning themselves as unable, uncertain, less capable, however you want to phrase it, in a way that shifts the burden right back onto someone else. In nursing, it sounds like, well, I just don't know how you like things done. Can you show me? Or you're so picky about your patient's setup. How about you lay everything out and then I'll go get them? Or tell me exactly what you need and I'll and I'll do it then. And again, on the surface, that sounds collaborative. Sounds like they're trying to help and you know be respectful to you. But functionally, what's happening is that all of the work of thinking, planning, prioritizing, and delegating gets handed right back to you. So now, in addition to your own assignment, you are managing the workflow, supervising the help, translating the tasks, and following up to make sure it was done correctly. Because with weaponized incompetence, you can bet it wasn't. Because the whole point is if it wasn't done right, they get asked less times. And that's not shared workload, that's expanded workload. And over time you start to internalize this idea that it's just easier to do everything yourself. See, weaponized incompetence is when someone makes you responsible for their executive functioning. Meaning your dopamine out of your smooth brain has to not only fuel your executive functioning, but now it's expected to stretch out so you can do theirs. And yeah, internalizing that idea that it's just easier and faster to do everything yourself because it is faster. It is cleaner. In many cases, it's safer for your patients. But it comes at a cost. Because now you are the system. And no one can sustain that. That's not support. That's not love. That's labor. And here's where we get a little deeper. This does not stay at work. Nursing has this very specific way of becoming part of who you are, not just what you do. You don't clock out of being observant, responsible, anticipatory. Your nervous system doesn't just turn that off when you leave the building. So you go home and you do the same thing. Or maybe you aren't even a nurse. Maybe you're just a hyper-vigilant type C eldest daughter gifted child with no more dopamine to give. You manage the household mentally, or the finances, or both. You keep track of what needs to be done, when it needs to be done, for whom it needs to be done. You anticipate needs before they're spoken. You carry the emotional tone of your relationships. Buying the gifts, remembering the holidays, doing the thing. And when someone says, just tell me what you need, it lands the same way it did on the nursing floor. Because again, that's still you doing all the work. So you don't ask. You just do it. And over time, you start to feel unsupported in your personal life in the same way you feel unsupported at work. Now, be careful here. It's not because no one cares. Oftentimes it's a function of learned helplessness that people have. And sometimes it's not intentional whatsoever. It doesn't remove the impact. But it isn't because no one cares. Sure. Sometimes are people absolute dicks and they're manipulative? Yeah, they are. But if you're surrounding yourself with those kinds of people, we've got a different series for you to listen to. So it's not because no one cares. It's because the structure of how support is being offered doesn't actually meet your needs. And I do want to address something quickly, because I know it's going to be in the background of the conversation, the idea of the four love languages. All right, here's the reality. That air quotes model isn't a model. It's not strongly supported by psychological research or peer-reviewed research as any kind of fixed or predictive framework. There isn't good evidence that people have one primary quote-unquote language that must be matched in order for them to recognize it as love or in order for relationships to work. It's it's just not a thing. And that's a whole can of worms that uh maybe we'll dig up in another podcast. But, but what that concept did do, and why I think it stuck, because you really can't say that phrase without everybody knowing exactly what you mean, and in many cases, being able to tell you what they are. So why I think it stuck is that it gave people a way to start thinking and talking about how they give and receive care. How to put words to what they need. And because it was legitimized, well, then you couldn't make fun of someone for being vulnerable and stating what they need. So we're not we're not using that model here. We're not saying that you have one language. We're not saying that these are personality traits. What we're doing is using that understandable concept to build more grounded framework. So we're not even talking about the same love languages, if you will, at all. We are identifying the types of support that actually reduce stress, protect well-being, and allow nurses to function without burning out. So you can look at your environment both at work and at home and say this is what I need and how I feel it in a way that is clear, direct, and based in reality. And here's a hint that it won't just work for nurses, nursing, first responders, medicine, soldiers. It takes certain people to do these kinds of jobs. And we peoples, yes, you peoples, even if not a nurse people, may just find that these are scary accurate. So what do we do with this? Because awareness without change doesn't help you. We're gonna start small. We're gonna start by noticing the difference between someone offering support and someone reducing your burden. Those are not the same thing. And once you feel it, you won't be able to unfeel it. When someone says, let me know if you need anything, you're gonna try responding with something specific. It can be simple, it can be really direct. I need help with this task right now. No explanation around it, no hedging, no apology, and also no laundry list, written handbook, or instructional handout, or leading people around by the nose. That is enough. Just stating what you need. And I know that's gonna feel really uncomfortable at first. I choke on it all the time. Because you've been trained not to do that. You've been trained to minimize your needs, to handle it, to be the one who has it together. Nurses can't need anything because if they do need something, well, they're the ones meeting people's needs. What if we do what do we do when the the people need meters that need stuff from the people? That was kind of a tongue twister. So yeah, that's gonna feel uncomfortable at first. You were trained into this, you can train out of it. And then take a look at your personal life. Honestly, and without judgment, where are you carrying the mental load? Where are you managing everything silently? Where are you accepting perceived support instead of receivable support? Not to blame yourself, but to recognize a pattern. Where are you offering perceived support? Because once you see the pattern, then you can start to change it. And ask yourself this without softening it. Just full steam ahead. But if this were real support, what would it actually look like right now? What would it feel like if it was the kind of support I needed? And let the answer be honest. Journal that bad boy in your ritual space tonight. See where it takes you. We're gonna take a breath yet again and de stress because you know, of course, it's time for coffee crystals and divination. So settle in, let yourself come down a notch. Again, unhook those shoulders from the tops of your ears. Drop those eyebrows, relax your scalp, unclench your hands. Actually take a deep breath that moves your abdomen. You don't have to hold all of this tightly. Just let it sit with you. And as always, take what works and leave the rest. So, what am I drinking? Huh? Not what I should be, that's for certain. My hyperfixation caffeine delivery system lately has been drip coffee, steamed protein milk, and whatever sugar-free, not fruity syrup I'm feeling. I don't know how to explain it, but it's got all the caffeine of a full cup of coffee, the cream I crave, and then the sweetness without an A1C. I'm digging it. Actually, literally staring at it right now next to me. So, all right, let's see what our crystal prescription is for the next two weeks. And this episode, I forgot to mention earlier, isn't on video. This series is going to come out as audio first. And the video series is going to come out later with a whole mess of goodies for you and CEUs. So let's see. Whoa. There's one crystal prescription for the next two weeks, and then one extra sparkly bit for the series. So how about that? Let's see. You know, we usually, oh, there we go. We usually pull two for the you know, two-week crystal prescription. Okay, so they're in the order we pulled them. Let's start at the top here. Ooh, authenticity, turquoise. I as long as I've had these cards, it still shocks and amazes and delights me that I'm still pulling cards I haven't ever seen. At least not, you know, while pulling them. So authenticity, it's turquoise. Self-acceptance, strength, and okay, I really should have done this on video. It's self-acceptance, strength, and communication. Take off that mask and reveal your true authentic self. Just like this captivating stone, you are a unique masterpiece, waiting to break out to be seen and heard. Turquoise boosts confidence for those that are shy and hesitant to speak. Oh my. Okay. Encouraging them to share their wisdom. It reminds us that speaking authentically, you know, the whole, I need help with this task right now part, adds value to the collective. It is time to break free from the constraints of conformity and allow your true self and voice to shine through. Trust in your worth. You are enough. I totally irrelevant. Yep. Okay. Oh, I the next one is lucidity. Ametrine. I can't even with this. Okay. All righty. Again, another one I don't think I've seen. Lucidity, amatrine. Clarity, decision making, motivation. The presence of amatrine and the scale in this card signify a profound moment of clarity in your life. Just as amatrine combines the energies of amethyst and citrine, blending intuition with action, this card urges you to find balance and harmony in your choices. The scale represents the need for fairness and objectivity in your decision-making process. Embrace this moment of lucidity to see things clearly and make choices that align with your highest good. Trust your inner wisdom, weigh your options thoroughly, and move forward with confidence, knowing that you have the mental clarity and discernment needed to navigate any situation with grace and purpose. I just can't even. I love it. Okay, third one. What is Ascendance Apophylite? I have never seen these. I'm so excited. I mean, I own the deck. I keep saying that like I don't own the deck. I do. I just mean in the context of a reading for us. I have not had these come up as a crystal prescription yet. So, ascendance, apothyte, uplifting energy, spiritual connection, and clarity. This card signifies a powerful moment of spiritual ascension and upliftment. I'm not sure that's a word, but it sounds great and it is now. Just as apophyte connects you to higher realms and spiritual guidance, this card invites you to elevate your consciousness and connect with your divine essence. The wings symbolize freedom, transcendence, and the ability to rise above challenges with ease. Embrace this moment of ascendance to strengthen your spiritual connection. Uplift your energy and soar to new heights of awareness and enlightenment. Trust in the divine guidance surrounding you. Spread your wings of light and allow yourself to be lifted as you journey towards greater spiritual growth and happiness. Amazing. We have authenticity, lucidity, and ascendance. And your stones for the next two weeks are turquoise, amateurine, and apotholite. And I think I think for the podcast, for this episode series, I think turquoise and authenticity, I think that's the dead ringer right there. I think it is. Okay. Now, now that we have dropped those luscious bombs, let's breathe some divination. Let me swap boxes here. For the next two weeks. And with an extra pull for the series for a good measure. I think that sounds I think that sounds delightful.

SPEAKER_03 30:59

So that's what we're doing. Alright, let's shuffle these bad boys.

SPEAKER_04 31:08

Hold on to more cards with the with the tarot deck here. So we need two for the next two weeks. There's one. And then we're gonna have one. Just kind of as a a theme, maybe for the whoop.

SPEAKER_03 31:38

There's two. Guess it's a theme of the series.

SPEAKER_04 31:46

And then our last little bit of sparkly wisdom here. Whoa. That was quite a number of them that were a little disheveled there. Let's get a clear, clear pull. Sometimes I get mesmerized by shuffling these and kind of forget that I'm doing it.

SPEAKER_03 32:05

But it's kind of awkward on the there we go. Alright. So let's take a look.

SPEAKER_04 32:20

We have green calcite, which is the five of pentacles.

SPEAKER_03 32:28

So let's take a look at that. Alrighty.

SPEAKER_04 32:40

And it came up upside down. Which for this card means the opposite. So normally the Five of Pentacles can symbolize financial anxiety, maybe some isolation. But this came upside down. So what we're looking at is the easing of financial anxiety, moving away from isolation. Green calcite is vitality, prosperity, and emotional healing. Now, I think this message is really important when it comes to looking outside of our own box at how we are offering support. I think what's really unique about this is that this message really fits with looking outside of our own box at how we're actually showing up for others. It says times are tough, and you may be too immersed in your own self-pity to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Redirect your energy to that light. Ask others for help. Ask others for help, comfort, and support. It's often closer than we realize. Shut up. Oh wow. Okay. Next one. The Hierophant. And it's lapis lazuli. My my. Okay. So tradition, wisdom, mastery. Lapis lazuli is wisdom, clarity, and intellect. The hierophant brings forth feelings of morality and being ethical. Think of this card as the older, wiser teacher, or a counselor who will mentor you along the way. It can be related to traditions and convention, learning and education, or mastering a certain area of your life. So that is the Hierophant. And then the last one. Oh, the Three of Swords, Kunzite.

SPEAKER_03 35:24

Let's see here.

SPEAKER_04 35:26

Oh, and I don't know if you guys could hear me turning it up right side up because it came up upside down. So normally in the right side up position, it can indicate heartbreak, sorrow, loss. But for us, it showed up upside down. So we are looking at renewal and finding joy and healing. And Kunzeit actually signifies emotional healing, inner peace, and understanding. So it says you may be going through an unexpected heartache andor disappointment right now. But the Three of Swords is here to remind you that these feelings of pain and grief are a normal part of life. Understand that this is only temporary. The rain will soon pass, and this painful experience will have made you stronger. So again, totally incredible pulls. Totally incredible pulls. These cards are just stunning. I absolutely love it. It is and will always be the favorite, favorite, favorite segment of my show. So if this episode intrigued you, did something for you, made you laugh, I want you to sit with this question. Where in your life are you accepting support that sounds good, but doesn't actually help you? And what would it look like to expect more than that? You're not asking for too much. You were trained into this, and you can train right out of it. You can train out of all of it. And when it comes to the show notes, I want to hear from you. I love hearing from you guys. So use the new fan voicemail feature and tell me about a time when you realized that what you were getting wasn't actually support. Like, right in the show notes is the fan voicemail. And you can use it. You can text me still. Of course, you can text me still, but try out the voicemail. It's so fun. You can stay anonymous, you can keep it short, you can go long, you can ask to be played on the podcast, even. Your voice matters here. Because the more we tell the truth about all things nursing, the harder we become to ignore. All right, my beauties. Until episode two, I love your faces.