Episode 10: The Fine Line Between Friendly and Flirty

The Girl Gang explores the nuances of platonic relationships with the opposite sex, examining how to navigate boundaries, intentions, and trust while respecting your romantic relationship.

• Setting clear boundaries when meeting new people of the opposite sex while in a relationship
• How past relationship trauma can impact our comfort with opposite-sex friendships
• The importance of having trust and communication with your partner
• Group settings as the ideal way to integrate new opposite-sex friends
• When friendships and relationships clash, and how to handle those situations
• The difference between having innocent friendly intentions versus flirtatious ones
• Why some people are naturally more friendly and may not recognize flirting
• How established friendships differ from new ones when entering a relationship
• The value that platonic opposite-sex friendships can bring to your life

We'd love to hear your stories about platonic friendships outside your relationship! Share your experiences—good or challenging—and join the conversation about navigating these complex social dynamics.

Chapters

• 1:08 Meeting New Friends
• 4:51 Intentions Matter: Friendly vs. Flirty
• 19:36 Moving from Flirt to Friends
• 21:54 When Friends Clash With Relationships
• 30:37 Can you be friends with your ex?
• 35:40 Partners Reactions to your Platonic Friendship
• 38:34 Making Friends as Adults

Transcript

Rachael: 0:34

Hey everyone, welcome to Girl Gang Podcast. My name's Rachael,

Sarah: 0:36

I'm Sarah

Brandi: 0:37

and I'm Brandi and we are your hosts for this episode.

Rachael: 0:40

So this week

Rachael: 0:40

we are talking about platonic relationships with the opposite sex. Reason I brought this subject up is because last week I went to an EDM show - Galantis! Shout out, Galantis, you're fucking awesome.

Rachael: 0:55

And I met a group of people there. We all became friends and I hung out with them all night and I saw this guy. He had a Galantis jersey on, so him and I were chatting. You know, have you ever been to Galantis before? You know he had bought his jersey cause he was a fan, all this kind of stuff. And so he had asked me do you want to go to a show with me sometime? And I said, as friends or with the group, sure, I'm dating somebody. So you know it wouldn't be a date or anything like that. And he's like oh yeah, totally understand, totally get it. He had asked for my number, but I was a little hesitant. He said, why don't you just take my number? And then, if you want to text me about shows, you certainly can. So got his number and then at the end of the night, like, followed him on, followed his sister on Instagram. She has an amazing looking family, so cute. And afterwards he texted me and he said hey, I know you're dating somebody, but would you in a platonic way he actually said platonic would you want to grab coffee with me sometime?

Rachael: 1:51

There's this new place in St Louis that I've been checking out and, given my past and my you know, past relationship with my ex-husband, I felt kind of weird about that and you know, I feel like my ex was very much into these quote unquote friendships and it was always a little sketchy.

Rachael: 2:11

So I just told him truthfully like, hey, I was married for seven years. My ex had these friendships in the past and he wasn't necessarily being an honest person, so I would feel more comfortable, you know, not going to coffee with you. I want my partner to know that I am, you know, solely into him and don't want him to think that I'm not trustworthy. But he and he was fine with that. He took it very well and you know, I said, hey, if you're ever looking to go to shows anything like that, let me know. I have a group of people that I go to shows with all the time. So conversation went well, he took it well, all went well, but it opened up this thinking for me of can people have platonic relationships with the opposite sex, and I feel like I have so many opinions about this.

Brandi: 3:01

So I feel like you're gonna be the minority on this one because, yeah, I think Kozy and I have more guy friends and have had them longer

Sarah: 3:07

It's really kind of like a tricky, like it seems tricky but it's not because right off the bat you're trying, you would think to yourself, like no, you you're allowed to have whatever kind of friends that you're allowed to have. But when you're actually in that situation, I know how you're feeling like it's not that I feel guilty, because I know I'm not doing anything wrong, but I just want to make sure that what I'm doing like isn't wrong, like I've always. But yeah,

Rachael: 3:31

explain,

Sarah: 3:32

someone were to come up to me, like you said, and you know, maybe start hitting on me or trying to be my friend, ask for my number, wanted to hang out like I am just a friendly person I can make.

Sarah: 3:45

I can befriend a brick wall. Like I like to make friends wherever I go and

Brandi: 3:48

I'm just picturing you talking to a brick wall right now.

Sarah: 3:51

Like, seriously, we're out we did that in Arizona for our trip. We're out at a restaurant and I just somehow befriended a couple that was sitting across from us and they're joining our table and I didn't even ask anyone if they can join, like I just I tend to make friends wherever I go.

Brandi: 4:03

I know that's why I hate going out with you.

Sarah: 4:06

It's a blessing and a curse, really. But it's like if I go and, let's say, I meet a guy and we're just really hitting it off, like in not a romantic way whatsoever, but you, you know, talking about sports or musical theater or whatever it is that we're getting along and talking about what?

Brandi: 4:21

if he's talking about musical theater with you, he's probably not interested in that.

Sarah: 4:24

You know what

Brandi: 4:25

I'm kidding. I'm kidding

Rachael: 4:26

Brian's into musical theater.

Sarah: 4:29

If you know, you know.

Rachael: 4:30

Come on,

Sarah: 4:40

but I don't know if I have a straight up answer in my mind on where that line is. Besides, just obviously, like, if you're cheating or not, well, like, is that still okay? I want to say, yes, it's okay to have friends that you make when you're already in a relationship, but, like I want to make sure I'm not.

Brandi: 4:49

It's all about the intention,

Sarah: 4:51

yeah,

Brandi: 4:51

and where, where the the line is in like, so I think, for for you, the line is so I wouldn't say blurry, but like, not like a fine line, where, like people tend to overstep with you because your intentions are so pure things that you don't even realize that they're like flirting or like trying to get with you.

Sarah: 5:13

I just think people are being friendly and I'm like cool, let me be friendly back. But obviously not like

Brandi: 5:19

Exactly

Sarah: 5:20

Right.

Sarah: 5:20

Not like that,

Brandi: 5:21

but their intention is not so pure.

Sarah: 5:24

And sometimes it takes me a minute to get that.

Rachael: 5:27

I always think the worst of people, to be honest.

Brandi: 5:29

Well, that's from your past,

Rachael: 5:31

yeah. But I mean, if a guy asks for my number, I just feel like he wants one thing. You know, I don't really really. I really struggle to think that a guy just wants to be friends with me, for me and not want to have sex with me,

Sarah: 5:44

and I'm probably, I'm think I'm.

Sarah: 5:45

So the opposite where I, I want to think the best in people that if you're asking for my phone number, I'm gonna think you just want to be friends,

Brandi: 5:54

and I don't disagree with you, Rachael if you're out and like vibing with people in the like, a guy asks for your number, more than likely they did have an intention like that, point blank.

Brandi: 6:15

I'm not interested in that. I'm seriously with someone. You know if your friend group and my friend group want to like get together, but I'm not comfortable with the one-on-one situation. I think that's a perfectly acceptable boundary. Sounds like he respected it and didn't harass you, which can be kind of hard.

Sarah: 6:33

How healthy.

Rachael: 6:33

I know how healthy.

Sarah: 6:35

Refreshing

Brandi: 6:35

those boundaries, girl Snaps,

Rachael: 6:36

okay, thank you. Thank you, that was a boundary. I kept that boundary, hell yeah. But I also made friends in the process, so that was cool. But now it's kind of like if I wanted to go to a show, is it acceptable to reach out to him? I mean,

Brandi: 6:53

well, would it?

Brandi: 6:53

just Okay, so Okay. So again, coming back to intentions,

Rachael: 6:57

yeah,

Sarah: 6:57

true,

Brandi: 6:58

if you just want someone to go with and it sounds like maybe initially you need to keep it in a group setting.

Rachael: 7:05

Yeah absolutely

Brandi: 7:06

Just to give him a clear

Rachael: 7:08

yes,

Sarah: 7:08

because it's also different with someone you just met, versus like having a previous friendship. Like when my husband and I first got together, that was one of our first conversations we had was, hey, me myself, I have a best friend who's a guy. I lived with him throughout college for two and a half years. It was never anything romantic, we were just. He was my first friend I met, like in college. We've just been best friends for 10 years now. And my husband had the same thing. He had a girl who he went to high school with. Was never anything romantic, but they're just best friends.

Brandi: 7:40

Yeah,

Sarah: 7:41

so when we dated, I think we started and he's like hey, so I kind of had this thing, like with my best friend that we go to like the spring opening baseball game every year, are you like, do you want to go? Are you okay if we go? And I'm like you go, like I'm not gonna stop you from a tradition that you've had with your best friend for 10 years. Like I've met his friend, like she was, she stood up in my wedding, Like I absolutely adore her too. Same with my best guy friend. Like we all met each other. And like in the group settings. Like you said, Brandi, group settings first.

Sarah: 8:14

And there was never any question of jealousy there. It just I mean, I love her too. She's one of my friends and we love her kids. Her kids were in our wedding.

Rachael: 8:20

And I feel like, as long as your partner is aware, and you wouldn't be afraid to bring your partner around that other person.

Sarah: 8:29

Yeah,

Rachael: 8:29

like you could say hey, partner, come with me to this show, and my group of friends that I met at the last show are going to be there and they can all vibe and get to know one another.

Rachael: 8:40

then that seems great because that's making new friends in your 30s, which is really hard to do

Sarah: 8:43

that's why I kind of feel like we almost like think too into it and that's what like second guesses are, like feelings of guilt.

Rachael: 8:50

Yeah,

Sarah: 8:50

it's like is this okay, when it really should just be - I just met a friend and, like you said, as long as your intentions are good and valid.

Sarah: 8:58

Yeah,

Brandi: 8:58

both parties intentions have to be in the right place.

Sarah: 9:01

Yeah

Brandi: 9:01

you also... I also think it's a big indicator of your relation, your current relationship,

Sarah: 9:07

true,

Brandi: 9:07

so if you're with someone and you don't necessarily have that trust built and then

Sarah: 9:13

that can be different

Brandi: 9:15

you know that that's going to complicate things because you're already having, and maybe it's just because the relationship's new and you haven't had the time to develop it, or you're not in a trustful relationship like long-term relationship either way, like you're gonna want to see them interact, because I think that's a big teller.

Sarah: 9:35

Yeah,

Brandi: 9:36

it's how they interact with each other and even in group settings, if there are romantic feelings between them, they're going to give off vibes.

Sarah: 9:42

Yeah.

Sarah: 9:43

It's like being friends with your ex.

Brandi: 9:45

They're going to be those flirty friends that can cross.

Brandi: 9:48

You know there's a line and you can totally tell when people are like into each other, but not necessarily acting on it. Or maybe they are when no one else is around

Sarah: 9:57

yeah,

Brandi: 10:01

So I really think the main premise here is trust with you and your partner, having that established open communication. We always come back to that Like just being open with them, like you know, hey, you know so-and-so is going to be there. This is the group, blah, blah, blah. But if you're second guessing someone's friendship, you need to look internally and be like is this, you know? Is there something going on? Or like what's causing this distrust?

Sarah: 10:28

Right

Sarah: 10:28

or even flip the story to like what you said, Rachael. If this was the opposite and it was your partner who went to the concert and met a group of people and befriended someone, I would think like I would try to put myself into their shoes, to flip the the script and see how that would make me feel.

Brandi: 10:45

Yeah, that's good,

Sarah: 10:46

and I mean because everyone still is different and has different feelings and different, you know, values and all that kind of stuff

Brandi: 10:50

and different experiences to cause some of that

Sarah: 10:53

yeah, it helps to put me in the mindset, too, of how are my actions or what I'm doing like making, how are they making the other person feel?

Sarah: 11:00

how would I feel if I was the other person I'm thinking about in this situation?

Rachael: 11:03

yeah, in my past experience I would think it's super shady like you've met some random people, like now you're friends with them. That's weird. The partner that I'm with right now, I feel like he would meet people and he would be like, yeah, come meet come meet my partner and like let's all be friends and hang out and like, grab beers and stuff, and so I feel like it really would just be innocent and making new friends.

Sarah: 11:26

Yeah,

Rachael: 11:27

um,

Brandi: 11:27

but again there's that trust

Rachael: 11:28

yeah there absolutely

Brandi: 11:30

maybe wasn't there in the past.

Rachael: 11:31

Oh yeah, absolutely.

Rachael: 11:32

This is the the person that I do really trust and feel like he's 100% into this relationship and would tell me anything, so I trust that fact.

Rachael: 11:45

But, um, yeah, it was an interesting experience and I haven't dealt with that since I've been dating my current partner in such a like direct way. I would say,

Brandi: 11:54

yeah,

Rachael: 11:55

um, so yeah, it kind of threw me for a loop and made me really nervous because, um, you know, I still need to bring it up to my partner and, uh, I think he'll take it fine, like I think he'll just be like yeah, I mean, if we go to a show and you want to meet up in a group, it'll be fine. But I think my past trauma is kind of making me nervous to bring it up, saying like, hey, this situation happened because I don't want to look like the sketchy person, because I was always the opposite in my past relationship, like I was the one always like getting the random messages saying that your husband is talking to somebody or, you know, talking inappropriately, and I just never want to be that person to somebody else

Sarah: 12:40

And me with being like such a kind person too. I always I want to be sure that I'm not like purposely being the flirt, because I think that, that can also come off as flirtation a lot of times

Rachael: 12:50

for sure

Sarah: 12:50

and half the time I genuinely like.

Sarah: 12:52

That's not my intention it might just come off like that,

Brandi: 12:55

that's how you guys get hit on in public.

Rachael: 12:57

Oh yeah, we're just nice.

Sarah: 12:58

We're just nice. We've had multiple occasions. We just were together and we just pretend that we're a couple at that point.

Rachael: 13:06

Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, Kozy and I are very much in love if, like, somebody gets too intense.

Sarah: 13:11

Yes,

Rachael: 13:11

and we're often engaged and planning

Sarah: 13:13

especially if it's all these like younger guys too it's kind of making me feel a little old too.

Sarah: 13:17

I'm like oh, you're like a kid, like that's so cute. You think I'm?

Sarah: 13:21

cute, cute. Can you even like order a drink? Yet I don't know.

Brandi: 13:24

I guess my RBS keeps people away,

Sarah: 13:27

see, and that's something I do wish I had, though, because I feel like my smile is more approachable, and I don't always like that

Rachael: 13:33

truly.

Rachael: 13:34

I like this sounds really terrible and I know as like a strong, confident woman, I should not do this, but I like intentionally try to make myself small and like don't make eye contact and like shrink in hopes that people do not notice me, which I feel like is actually terrible in the long, like I should just be able to be myself all the time and not worry about that,

Sarah: 13:57

but then I also want to be able to do that more often too, because it's like my story from this episode is.

Sarah: 14:04

I went to um a friend's wedding with my husband and um the bartender. There were a couple different bartenders, like a male and a female, and she was really pretty like I loved her hair genuinely, so I'm giving her compliments on her hair. I was raised in a family where we were taught to always be nice to our bartenders, the people serving you and they will be nice to you back.

Sarah: 14:23

So

Brandi: 14:24

I will say a compliment from a woman about like my hair, my clothes, yes, way better than a compliment from a man

Sarah: 14:32

genuinely.

Sarah: 14:32

She looked like she was just stressed, like getting stuff ready for the wedding. So I wanted to give her a compliment, make her smile, like, and she I obviously knew she was older than me too like it. It just, it wasn't any with that intention. But , I'm nice to her, you know, I'm getting my drinks from her. We're chit-chatting a little bit. I think I made a comment like, oh, I want to be your friend. Like, do you have? Like, social media? And I think she asked for my phone number.

Sarah: 14:55

So again, my mindset is, hey, we're here at a wedding Like you seem really cool. I'm not even. I don't even live in this town. So I was just drunk and she gave me the phone number and when I went back to my table my husband was like you realize she's hitting on you, right? And I'm like no, no, like, we're just, we were just friends, like we're just talking and being nice to each other. He's like, no, go back and just pay attention to the situation. So I went back to get another drink and then I kind of started listening to the questions that were being asked more Like what kind of friends do you want to be? Like oh, where is your husband? Oh, like, what are you guys doing afterwards? And then I found out she was married to one of the other bartenders, so it ended up it was opening my eyes up to maybe a swinger situation.

Rachael: 15:42

Yeah.

Rachael: 15:45

Little experimentation.

Brandi: 15:47

Which you, which your husband do not share.

Sarah: 15:48

We are. Yeah, I mean, do what you want to do, have fun, absolutely um. I I'm not um, but I did not see that situation at all. And afterwards, I talked to my husband, I'm like I kind of feel guilty. Like you know, I wasn't like trying to pick her up or anything right like I was just being a friendly person and I did not see that going that direction.

Brandi: 16:08

He knows you well enough now to know that just happens all the time.

Sarah: 16:10

I just make friends wherever I go, and I don't always mean to. I wish I could make myself feel small.

Brandi: 16:13

sometimes Pure intentions.

Sarah: 16:15

Yes, when there's alcohol involved too, it's. You know, I never want that to come off as I'm like actively flirting.

Rachael: 16:23

Yeah, I get that,

Sarah: 16:24

I'm just friendly,

Rachael: 16:25

but I don't know I was totally sober at this event and you know he still asked for my number. So but I do think if alcohol were to be involved, I might not have handled it the way that I handled it.

Sarah: 16:37

Yeah,

Rachael: 16:38

because I would just be like, oh yeah, like let's exchange numbers. You're great.

Sarah: 16:41

And I would have ignored it the next day.

Rachael: 16:43

Yeah,

Sarah: 16:43

like I would have ignored it that next day. Yeah, like I would have ignored it that night. That was never my intention of ever calling her. Now if I would have followed her on Instagram. I've had people where. I've met them, one time at a bar. You know, you meet the girls in the bathroom and you're instant best friends.

Sarah: 16:55

You know those people.

Brandi: 16:56

For that night never talk to you again,

Sarah: 16:59

exactly, but you follow them on Insta, you like to follow their little lives, but you don't actually talk or anything.

Brandi: 17:03

Yeah,

Sarah: 17:04

that's all I was going for just at the moment.

Brandi: 17:07

So I think there's. I think we need to talk about the fine line. Well, first of all, the dating scene these days is awful,

Rachael: 17:18

yeah,

Brandi: 17:18

and I think for a lot of people any kind of connection is hard to come by.

Sarah: 17:28

Yeah,

Brandi: 17:30

not even a romantic one, but just having someone with similar vibes and you. Hardly ever. I'm not saying it's, I mean, I know people that have, but it's really hard to meet someone organically out in the wild as I like to refer to it

Sarah: 17:39

because soulmates don't have to be romantic like you can have.

Rachael: 17:42

Oh

Sarah: 17:42

those people

Brandi: 17:44

That's a whole other episode.

Sarah: 17:45

Yeah, those people that should be an episode on soulmates, because those people you just genuinely your soul connects with and it doesn't have to be anything romantic

Brandi: 17:53

yeah,

Rachael: 17:53

absolutely

Brandi: 17:54

but for this guy you guys had stuff in common.

Brandi: 17:58

He probably, he probably did find you attractive, because it's hard not to

Sarah: 18:01

yeah

Brandi: 18:01

it's not the first time you've been hit on in public either it's really you know. So for him this could have been. You know, if you had, he was probably shooting a shot which kudos to him for doing it in person. And you know, if you hadn't been taken, you know there would have been a possibility of a cute little meet.

Brandi: 18:21

Cute, you know and those never happen anymore.

Sarah: 18:29

Right,

Brandi: 18:29

and there is a fine line, you know, in those kind of environments, of just being friendly and being flirty, very fine line. A lot of people may you may be friendly and they may take it as flirty. Especially depends on how you know extroverted or just you know socially. What word am I thinking of here? You know, he's not like some people, are socially awkward and don't necessarily pick up on those hints.

Sarah: 18:54

Yeah,

Brandi: 18:54

I'm not saying he was, but there's different degrees of that.

Rachael: 18:57

Yeah,

Brandi: 18:58

and you know, maybe having a conversation with a girl who wasn't immediately like I have a boyfriend, don't talk to me,

Rachael: 19:04

right

Brandi: 19:04

which happens a lot, I'm sure yeah,

Sarah: 19:06

that's got to be kind of disheartening too for some guy friends who are genuinely just looking to make more friends, and people are constantly thinking that they're just trying to hit on them

Rachael: 19:16

so you think those men exist?

Sarah: 19:18

I would, I mean, I would think so, because I mean, what man doesn't want a friend, everybody needs a friend, everybody wants to have friends and support group.

Brandi: 19:25

I'm going to be honest with you - He wanted to go on a date with you but then he respected your, your

Sarah: 19:30

yeah,

Rachael: 19:31

so can a situation like that turn into a friendship and be okay?

Brandi: 19:35

yes,

Sarah: 19:35

I think so

Brandi: 19:37

yeah

Rachael: 19:37

do you feel like

Rachael: 19:37

that's how most of your friendships have started with men.

Brandi: 19:41

No, most of my guy friends I've had no sexual attraction to

Sarah: 19:44

yeah,

Rachael: 19:45

have they had sexual attraction to you?

Brandi: 19:47

Uh they've never admitted it.

Sarah: 19:48

I mean over the years yeah, and some like tried and I won't say like I didn't, like go on a couple dates with like some guy friends back in the day, but it just because then it could get awkward too and we're all young, like this was like high school, like age, college age too, so like,

Brandi: 20:02

yeah, I don't

Sarah: 20:02

Sometimes you have feelings, sometimes you don't

Brandi: 20:07

just like I don't date co-workers, I don't date people in a friend group,

Sarah: 20:10

the co-workers is hard.

Sarah: 20:11

We've been there, done that.

Sarah: 20:13

Yeah, we don't do that again

Rachael: 20:15

Friendship ones they're hard,

Brandi: 20:16

if it would impact

Sarah: 20:18

like I love when the friendship group ones can work.

Sarah: 20:20

But yes, it's,

Rachael: 20:22

it's tricky,

Sarah: 20:22

it can be tricky.

Brandi: 20:23

Yeah, so that's. That's kind of been my guideline.

Rachael: 20:27

That's a good guideline.

Brandi: 20:29

You know anything that could majorly disrupt my life in a bad way from dating someone I'm usually going to be like no, like I don't want to lose all my. You know I wouldn't want to lose friends. I wouldn't want to lose. I wouldn't want the anxiety of going to work every day and like potentially seeing them.

Rachael: 20:49

Yeah

Sarah: 20:50

It's like remember the long-term parts of your friendships instead of like just the now, like when you're in those moments too, like the now. This relationship is awesome and really great. But do you really want to risk your friendships or just being able to find that balance within yourself?

Brandi: 21:06

Yeah,

Sarah: 21:06

in your relationship,

Brandi: 21:06

but I mean I and this can kind of go into, you know, a slightly different topic of losing friends from a relationship you know that you know can be.

Rachael: 21:17

I feel like you're targeting me, Brandi.

Brandi: 21:20

No, I mean it's, I mean I've. I wouldn't say I've lost.

Brandi: 21:37

Well, I'm not close with a lot of like friends I've had in the past from either relationships I've been, in relationships they've been in, you know so, as people come and go in your life, and how relationships change you, it also impacts other relationships and it's not necessarily a bad thing, because we're always growing right and changing, and sometimes people, you just outgrow each other

Sarah: 21:53

you always need to be appreciated for the people in your life in that time, but it's not always meant to be for a lifetime.

Rachael: 22:00

Yeah, I would say, yeah, in the relationship that I'm in right now, there are two specific people that I'm not close with anymore because I would say it's because of the relationship that I'm in, and it was really hard for me to deal with that. One person specifically said you know, I need space. I don't think that I can be friends with you now that you're dating this person, just because of their own personal beef that they had, and I respected that, and then they unfriended me on all social media and never talked to me again. So didn't think that was the most appropriate reaction. But if that's how they felt, then that's how they handled

Brandi: 22:39

it seems like a little overkill

Rachael: 22:41

yeah to

Rachael: 22:42

never talk to me again. But then my other friend I specifically sat down and had a conversation just said you know, specifically your partner does not support my relationship, which has impacted our friendship. So because your partner is not supportive, you really haven't been able to be a friend and be there for me and that is hurtful because I feel like I have to hide a part of who I am. And I'm never hiding who I am again. I'm never changing who I am, I'm never walking on eggshells around anybody and if you all can't get behind that, then I love you, but I'm going to love you from afar. And that was really hard. You know she has a family. I love her family, I love being around them, but I had to do what felt right in my gut, and my gut was I need to advocate for myself and I need to set that boundary.

Sarah: 23:31

And for your partner too. I mean

Rachael: 23:33

yeah,

Sarah: 23:33

because yeah.

Rachael: 23:34

Absolutely

Brandi: 23:35

so, yeah, so you know, even you know, I would never want, you know, my friendships and relationships to be impacted that way, because it's hard.

Sarah: 23:49

Yeah,

Rachael: 23:49

oh yeah.

Brandi: 23:51

But I also feel like sometimes, if you're in a relationship with someone and you do have a lot of platonic guy friends, they're friends.

Rachael: 24:02

Oh yeah,

Brandi: 24:03

don't understand,

Sarah: 24:08

right.

Brandi: 24:10

So like I had a college boyfriend and I was one of the guys in college, like I was the only girl invited to poker night, like you know I was. And, um, you know, I became friends with all them and he would invite his friends and he had like cousins and stuff that went to school there so we all hung out. Well, his cousin would always make comments about me and one of my guy friends and he was like oh, you guys want to date, blah, blah.

Brandi: 24:33

And he was

Sarah: 24:34

how old are we?

Brandi: 24:36

well, men are children until a very old age. If, if, if, they ever grow up. Um, but like so he would always be making these comments and I'm like, no, it's not like that. Like we are just good friends. Like I have no interest in him, I'm like we have. Like neither one of us are attracted to each other, like we've made that very clear, like we just vibe, we, you know, I'm a, I'm a guy's girl, I can talk sports cars, you know all that stuff you can it's

Sarah: 25:03

Brandi's a bro

Rachael: 25:06

bro. I'm . you know all of this shit in life? Like why are you so? f s

Brandi: 25:12

So like I'm able to have these conversations, like friendships with guys.

Sarah: 25:16

Yeah,

Brandi: 25:16

because you know

Sarah: 25:17

You're just one of the guys

Brandi: 25:18

Yeah, I love that about myself.

Brandi: 25:20

But his friends would make comments. I'm like, no, and it got to the point where, you know this isn't the healthiest situation, but like, after we broke up we decided to go separate ways because we wanted different lives after school. But we would occasionally chat, like we ended, you know, on good terms and we'd occasionally like see how each other were doing and things like that. And there was a time that I got really drunk with said guy friend, and when I get really drunk I get what's called Ragdoll.

Brandi: 25:54

And I lose all functionality of my limbs.

Sarah: 25:56

It's a fun time

Brandi: 25:57

my neck goes limp, like I'm literally a ragdoll dead weight, and there was a picture of this night where I'm just like, draped over my guy friend, like, couldn't move, and it was on Snapchat and it got sent to my ex and he's like, he's like and of course this was the guy friend that all of his friends were making comments about me wanting to do something with

Rachael: 26:21

I know such guy friend, yeah right

Brandi: 26:24

and you know.

Brandi: 26:25

So I I'm like, first of all, I don't need to justify anything to you. It's been like six months, I'm like, but no, nothing happened. He was just helping Ragdoll, which you know it

Sarah: 26:36

because we love our

Brandi: 26:38

when I because yeah, yeah, x has taken care of me like that in that state many times, like he knows how I get, and I was like it was literally me suffocating him because I was just like,

Rachael: 26:48

all right on it.

Brandi: 26:49

I couldn't move.

Sarah: 26:50

Those guy friends are the best to have too, like they just they genuinely are.

Rachael: 26:55

They got your back, no matter what.

Sarah: 26:56

They got your back well,

Brandi: 26:57

there's a lot

Brandi: 26:59

I don't know having my back was the right term, but he did make sure I got to the hotel in that place and I didn't choke on my vomit

Sarah: 27:07

Bu bba thrown me over his shoulder multiple times to carry me up to my apartment.

Brandi: 27:12

Yeah,

Sarah: 27:12

because I just was over served.

Brandi: 27:14

Yeah, I get it.

Sarah: 27:15

Always make sure we go home safe.

Brandi: 27:17

The ex was like he made a comment. He's like he's like I guess all those comments were true. Then, like you did and I was like fuck you, it's not. You didn't know the situation, you weren't here,

Rachael: 27:28

yeah,

Brandi: 27:30

I'm not talking to you anymore. And like we haven't spoken to each other since after that conversation because I was so pissed off. I'm like, not that it's any of your business,

Sarah: 27:38

right,

Brandi: 27:39

but he was just making sure I got home, okay, and one picture caused you to have all these comments now and so

Sarah: 27:48

exes.

Rachael: 27:48

So it's all about yeah, it's all about the situation, and so

Brandi: 27:54

don't let others influence your opinion

Rachael: 27:59

That's true

Sarah: 27:59

if you have your right intentions and you know you have a good heart.

Sarah: 28:03

Yeah,

Rachael: 28:04

yeah, so my ex so I feel like I really had to like hit this head on with my ex - Blues guy. I've mentioned him before. So not my ex-husband, but Blues guy, so Blues guy, so he had a lot of girlfriends and even going into the relationship,

Brandi: 28:20

platonic girlfriends,

Rachael: 28:21

platonic yes.

Rachael: 28:23

Platonic female friendships. So even going into the relationship, my cousin was like, look, he has a lot of girlfriends. Like, are you gonna be okay with that? Because you had some sketchy relation, you know some sketchy situations with your ex-husband. Are you gonna be okay with this? It was a little bit of a struggle for me, but again, it's how someone handles it. The issue that we ran into with Blue's guy is that he was on a snapchat streak with this girl for a really long time.

Rachael: 28:52

He would like

Brandi: 28:53

was this from our valentine's day episode. Was this the girl he took to the game?

Rachael: 28:57

uh, different.

Brandi: 28:58

Okay,

Rachael: 28:59

but he did take her to a game. Um, I think I mixed up those scenarios slightly, but this woman did go to a game with him and I was present for it and it was just kind of awkward. But Snapchat streak, he would say like, oh, I think I'm going to hang out with this girl today and then, or like a going away party because she was switching jobs and he didn't invite me and I'm like, as your partner, it just seems a little weird that you wouldn't invite me to a get together or something like that. You know, I feel like when you're with somebody and your partners you're, it's always an extension. It's like, hey, this person is coming with me.

Rachael: 29:37

it's not really a question if the person is coming um, but he felt like it was rude to invite me because it was her party and he was a guest there but it was at a bar.

Sarah: 29:48

I mean, it's not like it was a ticketed event where, like you, have to add an extra seat at the table it was like, yeah, going to a bar

Brandi: 29:56

I can see both sides to it.

Rachael: 29:58

Yeah,

Brandi: 29:59

um, and I think it depends on the event. But, that being said, he knew about your past. As your partner at the time, he should have been able to identify something that could trigger you, because you had had this conversation and he should have had a conversation with her like, hey, I'd love to come to your party, um, but Rachael, you know, has had some like I'd really like for her to come with me. Is it okay if I bring her? - have a conversation - And I'm sure she would have said yes

Rachael: 30:29

yeah, she was a great person.

Rachael: 30:30

Yeah

Brandi: 30:30

if intentions are platonic from both parties, then it wouldn't have been a big deal.

Rachael: 30:35

Yeah,

Sarah: 30:35

so do we are we still on that riding that train? When it comes to being friends with your exes because I mean

Brandi: 30:42

Gina- has taught me, that's probably not good, it's not healthy.

Rachael: 30:46

It's not healthy

Brandi: 30:46

it's not healthy

Rachael: 30:47

my ex my ex-husband absolutely no, my ex Blues guy I still see because we have mutual friends and

Brandi: 30:56

you won't hang out one-on-one

Rachael: 30:58

yeah, yeah, I do not never one-on-one with the exes.

Sarah: 31:01

I don't hang out with any of my exes, but like I don't think I mean god, if anyone's listening, I don't think we left on bad terms I think, I think one of them.

Sarah: 31:09

I kind of hurt his feelings a whole lot and I I

Brandi: 31:11

don't have conversations with him if I saw him in public but I'm not like gonna go yeah,

Sarah: 31:15

I'd be like hi right, right.

Sarah: 31:17

But I do know there's some people too who like if they dated someone in the friend group and it just didn't work out, that I mean we would hope that everybody would be mature enough to grow up, move on, maybe be able to be friends or at least establish that boundary. But it doesn't always happen.

Sarah: 31:31

But

Brandi: 31:31

you're just really positive

Sarah: 31:33

and I know some people who are so able to just be like friends with their exes. But it is completely situational and both parties need to have those boundaries, have that good intentions behind them too, and but I mean it still happens. I don't think that there's anything bad with it. I mean you shared that part of your life with someone for so long but obviously things bad happen. You go your own ways that is it.

Brandi: 31:56

You don't have to let it kind of along these lines. I did see a clip from Taylor Tomlinson, the the comedian lover.

Rachael: 32:04

Uh-huh, love her.

Brandi: 32:05

Yeah, I know I've seen her a couple times and obsessed with her and she was talking about being friends with exes. And she was talking to her boyfriend at the time and they were talking about like, would they invite their exes to their wedding?

Brandi: 32:27

and her response was she's like well, preferably at our wedding, I'd like to be the only one that's fucked you,

Rachael: 32:36

that's true.

Brandi: 32:38

She's like I'm cool with you still being like you know friends with them and everything, but she's like I'd rather not share this ride

Rachael: 32:46

share this ride, yeah yeah yeah

Sarah: 32:48

I mean, I guess I kind of did have that because, I mean college, I have a friend who we are still just friends.

Sarah: 32:54

We had like maybe a month long of friends with benefits kind of thing and he was like in my college group so like I invited him to my wedding he couldn't come, but yeah, it was never like a dating situation thing either, and that was over 10 years ago five, six years before I even met my husband, so I think we were good there.

Brandi: 33:13

I, like I said, I just thought it was funny yeah, that is how she said it

Brandi: 33:17

Of course she's a comedian, so of course it's going to be. But I also think there's a difference between having slept with someone and being in a relationship with someone.

Sarah: 33:26

True, that's true.

Rachael: 33:26

There are real feelings, like when you're committed and exclusive,

Brandi: 33:29

the love, and I mean for certain relationships, especially long-term ones, like there's always a part that doesn't go away, like there's always going to be, like a small part there that you care about.

Sarah: 33:39

I mean because when you're dating someone, you're always, I mean, I feel like you have in your mindset that you're looking to potentially take something farther.

Brandi: 33:48

Yeah,

Rachael: 33:48

yeah,

Sarah: 33:48

I mean, or you can just be enjoying your time, but yeah, there's, I feel like there's hope for a future. When you're with somebody,

Brandi: 33:54

there's that emotional connection versus just the physical.

Sarah: 33:56

Yeah.

Brandi: 33:57

And I feel like the emotional always lingers to some degree, and I think that's where things can become grey in regards to being friends with your exes or you know things of that nature, but I do know people where it's worked out that way,

Sarah: 34:12

yeah,

Brandi: 34:12

where they've been still good friends and you know left on, you know good terms and things like that. But I ultimately think it comes back to how secure is your current relationship.

Rachael: 34:23

Absolutely,

Brandi: 34:24

you know if you're feeling strong and confident in it. You know there's the trust, the communication,

Sarah: 34:30

right,

Brandi: 34:31

you realize that that previous person didn't have xyz that you're looking for and you guys both saw it and admitted it and walked away. I think there's hope for that.

Sarah: 34:43

Yeah,

Brandi: 34:43

um, you know if, yeah, you know if someone left you and they were trying to get back in your life as friends and you still maybe haven't resolved those feelings fully,

Sarah: 34:56

yeah,

Brandi: 34:57

you know, I think that's different. Or you know you've had in the past a someone who wasn't faithful to you. You know, I don't know how many stories I've seen where, like, your partner cheats on you with the best friend,

Sarah: 35:12

right,

Brandi: 35:12

things like that,

Sarah: 35:13

right,

Brandi: 35:14

and the trauma that that would ensue.

Rachael: 35:16

Oh, yeah,

Brandi: 35:17

you know. So there's all kinds of factors, I feel like that go into it. And no platonic friendship is the same,

Sarah: 35:24

right,

Brandi: 35:24

there's different histories there's, you know, for each person there's different circumstances. I feel like even your friendships change depending on who you're in a relationship with too.

Rachael: 35:36

I would agree with that. So that's a really good point, because have you ever dealt with a situation where you have a platonic friendship with somebody of the opposite sex and their partner is a little iffy,

Sarah: 35:50

yes,

Rachael: 35:51

about that relationship, that friendship that you have?

Brandi: 35:54

okay, hang on repeat that,

Sarah: 35:56

oh

Rachael: 35:56

so, okay, so I have a guy friend

Brandi: 35:59

okay

Rachael: 35:59

who I've been friends with since high school. He's my best friend

Brandi: 36:02

okay

Rachael: 36:03

and his now wife. Like when we, when they first started dating, she just thought that it was really odd that we were just friends

Brandi: 36:09

Okay,

Rachael: 36:10

and I think she felt intimidated by that because I had been in his life for so long and I was there

Brandi: 36:16

All of my all of the partners, of my guy friends.

Brandi: 36:19

I feel like have been at that point with me

Rachael: 36:21

Really?

Rachael: 36:22

So you always hit that stage where the woman is like feeling insecure about the fact that you have a friendship with this person.

Sarah: 36:27

I feel like you're just, you're just so amazing, Brandi, you're just so amazing. It's hard, it's hard to to live up to you.

Rachael: 36:34

Oh yes, Kozy, please elaborate on this.

Sarah: 36:36

I mean when for the background too I met Brandi and Rachael through my husband when I started dating him. So when I first met Brandi I mean, all of the women in our friend group are amazing, independent women who I love, but Brandi was just that one girl where, like you're smart, you're pretty, you can communicate with my husband on like a scientific level that I will never be able to

Rachael: 37:01

True that

Sarah: 37:02

and so like when I first started dating him, like, yeah, it was a slight little jealousy thing, like it it was, but it's, it's important that we still have us and our partner still have those friendships.

Brandi: 37:15

Yeah,

Sarah: 37:15

that like it's that itch for them because your partner, you can't be 100 for them,

Rachael: 37:20

True,

Sarah: 37:20

100 of the time. Like it's important to have those friends. I have friends that my husband would probably not be like best friends with, but that's fine because I have that history with them.

Rachael: 37:29

Yeah,

Sarah: 37:29

same thing vice versa, like and like you said, with someone else's like spouse, like it can just be, it's different.

Rachael: 37:35

I asked my current partner the same question about you actually, because we went to an emo night and you and him were like vibing and like hanging out, kind of like with each other, yeah. And at the end of the night I was like, do you have a thing for Brandi? And he's like no, she's not my type, like I'm into you, But my past, I was instantly like what the fuck is happening here.

Rachael: 37:58

But so

Rachael: 38:02

you're just beautiful and brilliant we just feel like all the men love you

Sarah: 38:05

we've talked about that too, Rach, because your partner and myself have similar personalities too, Like similar, like outgoing. We can befriend anyone, but it's like, yeah, no, that would never work

Rachael: 38:18

Absolutely.

Rachael: 38:19

And Brian and I connect on different levels as well.

Sarah: 38:21

Yeah, you can be too similar.

Sarah: 38:22

So we figured out too we'd be a great foursome for like vacation,

Rachael: 38:25

Brian and I would take a nap

Sarah: 38:27

four of us.

Sarah: 38:27

You guys would take your afternoon nap, you know, and I will go and get our nightcap drink,

Rachael: 38:32

oh yeah,

Sarah: 38:33

and then you know we're gonna do the hiking and they're gonna go do their, their history thing stuff too, and like we would each be able to do something with each other. But it's nice to be able to have those friends too, because like yeah, I know that if I want to go and get a nightcap drink at a bar after a night of partying, I thought I was going to be the one who's going to go and do that with me?

Brandi: 38:51

It's totally not, brian.

Sarah: 38:52

No, it's not going to be my husband either.

Rachael: 38:54

And if I want to chat like books or EDM music or any of that stuff, then Brian's always got my back

Sarah: 38:59

Right, because I'm not like that, so it's important to have those friendships but you have those boundaries.

Sarah: 39:09

You have those right intentions and everyone's just friends with each other.

Brandi: 39:11

And I think from your original question you know, with your friend's spouse being intimidated again, maybe she had an instance in the past that made her weary,

Sarah: 39:19

true,

Brandi: 39:19

or you know?

Brandi: 39:21

I don't know how often you hung out with him in her presence, you know, but there is probably a little bit of insecurity until you see the dynamic between

Rachael: 39:30

yeah and like and I think it does help because so she was never against it us hanging out right, if we ever hung out like he would come over to my apartment when I was going through my divorce like we would chat, and I think that she felt that was a little odd because they were newer in their relationship. But once we started hanging out more and she got to know me and realized, oh, like she's actually okay, like I don't have anything to worry about, it was fine. But it does help. Dating xxx, because now we double date all the time and it just makes it like well,

Brandi: 40:02

you said very,

Rachael: 40:02

very secure.

Brandi: 40:03

You said a very key thing in that and they had just started like they were so early.

Rachael: 40:06

they were building that trust for sure

Brandi: 40:10

And that trust and security wasn't necessarily established where it is now. You know. So I think when you do, you know, bring in a new partner to some of those co-ed friendships and things like that. Like you know, you need to be open with you know, have the conversations Like you know, hey, this is our history.

Brandi: 40:31

You know, this is what we do

Sarah: 40:32

Open and honest

Brandi: 40:33

and, you know, bring them around each other and like, maybe, do you know, maybe not hang out with that guy friend one-on-one a ton when you're first dating another person.

Rachael: 40:45

Yep,

Brandi: 40:45

you know, let them get comfortable with the situation. Do group settings, even if it's just the three of you like, let them see the dynamic because, like I said a lot of times, you can tell and

Sarah: 40:56

let them make sure they know your intentions, like you said too,

Brandi: 40:59

and when that?

Brandi: 41:00

when that friend is around, make sure you're giving attention to your partner and you know, don't just, like you know, have a monopolized conversation with your friend and then your like date or whatever is just sitting there

Sarah: 41:13

right

Brandi: 41:13

watching you two have a you know, just tell inside jokes all night and they're leaving left, feeling left out you know, that's gonna be a red flag for them too.

Rachael: 41:22

Oh yeah,

Sarah: 41:22

yeah,

Rachael: 41:22

absolutely

Brandi: 41:23

so.

Rachael: 41:24

But this is positive news. Positive news to know that you can have platonic friendships

Sarah: 41:30

absolutely

Rachael: 41:31

with the opposite sex

Brandi: 41:32

yep,

Sarah: 41:32

absolutely.

Brandi: 41:33

Anyone needs advice on it. I've got a ton of them.

Brandi: 41:35

Sometimes it's not worth it because boys can be just as dramatic as women

Sarah: 41:39

I'm curious to see if any of our listeners have stories on whether it's they're for it or against it platonic friendships outside of your partner, like what are stories that you've had that have either ended really well, or if you had any like really bad stories and scenarios, let us know

Brandi: 41:57

it's not for everyone.

Brandi: 41:58

Some people just have you know, built up so much maybe you know trauma or something from other situations that they're not comfortable with it. Um, but I really think that if they're upset with their partner for having a, you know, opposite sex friend, um, I think they really need them I think they need to step back, evaluate the relationship, evaluate their feelings and see what it's causing that.

Sarah: 42:24

Yeah,

Brandi: 42:25

you know, maybe it is your partner and they're crossing a line with that friend, or maybe it's something that's happened to them as a you know a person in the past that's triggering some of this

Rachael: 42:35

yeah,

Brandi: 42:36

so I'm not saying like if you're against it, there's there's probably a reason why, um, but just don't if, if it's a healthy friendship with the partner and friend, don't give an ultimatum Like take a step back,

Rachael: 42:50

never an ultimatum

Brandi: 42:51

, yeah. Like learn about their relationship before you accuse them of anything.

Sarah: 42:55

Yeah,

Brandi: 42:56

and see where that distrust comes from,

Sarah: 42:59

and have an open mind too, for if you're the partner who is maybe insecure about your partner's friend, you know, like,

Rachael: 43:07

give them a chance.

Sarah: 43:08

Yeah, give it a chance, be open-minded about it. You know, obviously, yeah, like you said, people might have trauma or reasons why they wouldn't want to. But you know everyone's different, every scenario is different. It doesn't have to be the same as what we've experienced before. You've been through it, you learn, you take that with you and we, we take that with you and we move forward

Rachael: 43:26

and I also feel like if you're feeling jealous or insecure, that might have to do with yourself.

Rachael: 43:32

So working on yourself and making sure that you have that confidence, here's the thing. If somebody's going to cheat on you, they're going to cheat on you, it's going to happen and there's nothing that you can do about it. So just know that you are perfect the way that you are and you are capable just the way that you are.

Sarah: 43:52

We love you,

Rachael: 43:52

so you don't need another person in your life, but when you do find that person, they should compliment you and make it a fun time and not make it a dramatic time. So that includes finding new friends, especially in your 30s, because it's tricky,

Sarah: 44:07

I love that,

Brandi: 44:08

except for Kozy

Sarah: 44:10

I'm not 30 yet, okay,

Brandi: 44:11

oh, that's true that's true.

Brandi: 44:13

You're still in your 20s, so it's still easy well,

Sarah: 44:15

I got some more time

Rachael: 44:16

the friends that I met at the club.

Rachael: 44:18

The guy was 28 and the sister was like 36, so I was like that's a good span of like ages and people to hang out with.

Brandi: 44:26

Was he attractive, was he my type?

Brandi: 44:32

That would be a better question.

Rachael: 44:33

Height-wise, I don't know, Like he was definitely taller than me, but that's not saying much because I'm 5'2", so you can just meet him.

Sarah: 44:40

Everyone's taller than Rachael.

Brandi: 44:42

There's a 5-inch difference between you and me, so that doesn't mean shit.

Rachael: 44:49

He was definitely taller

Brandi: 44:49

he wasn't super tall is what I'm hearing

Rachael: 44:50

he was taller, though he was cute. Yeah, I think you should meet him, you know, be friends with him, create that platonic friendship

Sarah: 44:54

yes

Rachael: 44:54

and we could all go clubbing together.

Sarah: 44:56

There's our group setting

Rachael: 44:57

yeah, go to Dancef estopia together and party it up.

Sarah: 45:00

I love it

Rachael: 45:01

for sure. So thanks everybody for listening. Today we talked about platonic friendships with the opposite sex. So until next time,

Sarah: 45:09

stay bold,

Brandi: 45:10

stay empowered.

Brandi: 45:11

Girl Gang out.