Episode 25: How To Know When To Date Again After A Breakup

Ready to call it when something no longer fits—and even readier to protect your peace? We dive into the messy middle between breaking up and dating again: the quiet of living alone, the temptation to fill a void, and the courage it takes to hold your standards when timelines and outside pressure get loud. You’ll hear honest stories about giving too much, missing support at key moments, and the calm that appears once you finally say the hard thing out loud.

We get practical about readiness. Instead of counting months, we focus on signals: feeling excited about new connections, not desperate; being comfortable alone; and knowing your five to seven non-negotiables. We talk about shifting priorities, therapy wins, and how to rethink big choices—kids, marriage, travel—without forcing a rigid schedule. If you’re exploring solo parenthood, adoption, or simply releasing a deadline, this conversation keeps it judgment-free and grounded.

We also sort out boundaries with exes and how to rebuild community without romantic confusion. Then we go after the modern dating stalemate: everyone hates the apps, but no one wants to approach in real life. We share simple, clear openers, how to signal intentions kindly, and how to normalize polite rejections so people keep trying. Whether you’re fresh from a breakup or quietly rebuilding, you’ll leave with language, confidence, and a plan to meet people off the apps while honoring your peace.

If this resonated, follow the show, share it with a friend who needs clarity, and leave a quick review to help more people find us. Got a great “met in the wild” story or a go-to opener? Send it our way—we’d love to hear it.

Chapters

• 0:00 New Year, New Studio, New Starts
• 1:22 When To Call It Quits
• 3:14 Loving Solitude And Guarding Your Space
• 4:53 Learning To Live Alone And Grow
• 7:01 Hobbies, Support, And Uneven Effort
• 11:29 Signs It’s Time To Leave
• 15:31 Grieving The Future, Not The Ex
• 17:56 Readiness To Date Again
• 20:43 Non‑Negotiables And Realistic Standards
• 25:23 Timelines, Kids, And Alternate Paths
• 28:58 Friends With Exes And Boundaries
• 33:36 Meeting People Off Apps
• 36:49 Approaching With Clarity And Kindness
• 41:29 Practice Being Bold IRL
• 53:04 Listener Challenge And Closing

Transcript

Rachael: 0:34

Hey everyone, welcome to Girl Gang Podcast. My name's Rachel. And I'm Brandy, and we are your host for this episode. 2026 baby. New podcast studio. Y'all, it's been um a fun 13 days of the new year. Uh just to give you all a heads up, I recently got out of a relationship. I moved. Got a new space for the podcast. Yep. And uh we're just like we're just chugging through. And honestly, we're feeling good. We're feeling good about 2026. Fresh starts. Fresh starts. But that being said, Brandy and I thought it would be interesting to talk about like, how do you know when to date again? Yeah. After a breakup. Also, like, when do you call it quits for a relationship? We could get into that a little bit.

SPEAKER_03: 1:21

Yeah, I mean, everyone has those questions. Everyone has those questions. At some point in their life, everyone's thought this through.

Rachael: 1:28

Um, whether it was a short relationship or a long-term relationship. Well, I think it's interesting too, like what type of relationship you might be looking for. Because depending on the type of relationship you're looking for could also depend on how it starts, how it ends. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_03: 1:45

Yes, I would agree with that. Um, as someone who, you know, doesn't have to get married, doesn't want kids, like for me, having a long-term partner is gonna be coming down to like someone who likes to travel with you. Yeah, and that I'd be willing to share my space with because like my I was thinking about this the other day. I was kind of like lonely, and I was like, Oh, it'd be cool to have someone, but then I was like, fuck that, because I don't have to share any of my space at my house except for my dogs and cat.

Rachael: 2:23

True that.

SPEAKER_03: 2:23

I have everything where I want it to be. I don't have to, I can cook what I want. I can, you know, I I just don't have to take anyone else's like thoughts or opinions or space into consideration. It's just my So what do you do when you're lonely? I distract myself. You what? I distract myself. I don't know, no way. Um, like earlier, well, I knew I was about to start my period because I was getting in my feels a little bit. Gotcha. Okay. Um and I was just kind of like, man, I could probably do a long-term relationship. And then like the next morning I'm like, nope, I'm good. Hard pass. Hard pass. I don't I'm I mean, I'm not opposed to it, but like it's gonna take a very special type of person. Yes, for me to give up my peace that is in my house. Like that is my little kingdom.

SPEAKER_01: 3:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 3:23

Like it's been like coming out of a long-term relationship where I was living with them for like five of those years, either at his house or my house.

SPEAKER_01: 3:38

Like it's just it's a whole different world, and I've I've come to appreciate my space.

Rachael: 3:44

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 3:45

And environment is key. It is, and there's just it's like I said, it was going to take a very special person to ruin my piece. That is my like that is my place. I feel that. You know, like before I had to be like, well, what do you want to watch tonight? Like on TV, you know, and I can just be like, I'm turning the Lord of the Rings on again because I want to.

SPEAKER_01: 4:05

You know, it's just it's uh yeah, it's there's there's just you know emotions, a roller coaster. Yeah, you know, most definitely.

Rachael: 4:19

I think it's hard to if you've never been alone or lived alone, it's kind of hard to sit in that quietness and like loneliness in those times. That's what I'm saying. And I think that when my ex-husband and I like broke up and I was living alone, it was very easy to fall into that trap of like loneliness and trying to distract myself in ways that maybe weren't the most productive, like maybe it was more boys, or you know, trying to capture onto that. And then when I lived in my house a few years ago, I was just like, Yes, like environment is so key. And like I love my environment, I love my space, like I'm cool. I think when you get to the point when you're like happy being alone, then you're feeling pretty good. And like if you want to dive into a relationship at that point, then great. Yep. But if you're not okay with being alone and being able to sit with your feelings and like find hot, like what do you do in your free time when you have nothing else going on? And can you keep yourself entertained that way?

SPEAKER_03: 5:28

Yeah, but I think you have to be comfortable with yourself and know yourself before you should like get into another relationship. Oh yeah. Um and that was like when I graduated college, I lived with my parents for like eight years because I knew I wanted to live alone. Like I had roommates all all through college. Um good and bad stories with every every one of them. Oh yeah. Um, you know, because I feel like everyone's got a story or two. But for me, I wanted to save up or get to a point where I could live alone. Like I wanted my own space, I wanted to get comfortable being alone because I think it's very important and you learn a lot about yourself. Yeah, being alone in your own space. Yep. And you know, I still know people who haven't lived alone, and I'm like, you need to do this before you move in with like a partner.

Rachael: 6:25

Oh yeah, for sure. So I moved and I moved out of my partner's ex-partner's house into a new house. I have a roommate, but my roommate was not here for like the first week. And I think that's like the time when you realize, like, oh shit, I'm alone again. Yeah, no, it's but honestly, this time it was a very different feeling, like it was a very um comforting feeling compared to what it has been in the past, and I think that I've just grown so much as a person that I'm like, okay, I'm going to read my book. Or um don't judge me with those eyes, but I'm like, I'm reading the Bible.

SPEAKER_03: 7:06

And I believe this is in your book that you are writing. And I was like, oh yeah.

Rachael: 7:12

Okay. Yeah. So I'm like, I'm restarting the Bible recap because last time I tried it, it was like divorce is a sin. And I was like, well, fuck me then. I'm gonna go and do something else.

SPEAKER_03: 7:22

But see, your upbringing with religion was different than mine.

Rachael: 7:27

Yes, you know, so no religion in my household.

SPEAKER_03: 7:30

Yes, and I I grew up in a church, so I yeah, I know the stories that you're probably like reading and learning. And I didn't ever read the book from the back, but I know a lot of the like you know what really helps though is I bought a Bible and it's like a coloring book Bible.

Rachael: 7:48

Like, fuck yes, I've got colored pencils. Let's do this. That's funny. That's funny. It's really cute. It's like, you know, every page is like a quote and you can color, and I'm like, oh fuck yeah, I can get behind like a coloring Bible.

SPEAKER_03: 8:02

I've actually, even though I'm not religious anymore, I've thought about going cover to cover because I'm just curious, like, what's the hype about? That well, I I just religion, whatever religion it is, just kind of blows my mind on like how it formed and the following they all get. But yeah, I'm there's nothing wrong with that. But I mean, there's a lot of people that study world religion, so like there's classes for it, so I don't as long as you don't try to make me read it, then you're not knocking on my door. Do you need Jesus?

Rachael: 8:35

Then we're getting what's your relationship with Jesus? Um, no, that puzzles. I got into book nooks the past year, so I have like three book nooks waiting to be done. I've been reading, you know, other books.

SPEAKER_03: 8:47

I feel when you're alone, you learn what your passions are or like what makes you happy, and you get to focus more on them too.

Rachael: 8:55

Like when you're dating somebody, you kind of you get spread in different directions. You're like, oh, we're watching football now. Ooh, I'd rather be hiking. Girl, every guy that I've dated is into football, and I'm like, I'd rather be outside outdoors.

SPEAKER_03: 9:13

Just about every guy I've dated has been the opposite and doesn't really care about football.

unknown: 9:17

Yeah.

Rachael: 9:18

We need to like you know, you know, meet people and like be like, have you met my friend Mirandy?

SPEAKER_03: 9:24

You are the matchmaker and you've been letting me down. I know, I know, I know. Um no, but I I think there's you know, you find your hobbies because I think one thing that I learned in therapy, and I kind of knew going into it, but having someone else tell you that this is the case kind of resonation, yeah. Yeah, um, is I would give too much of like my time and energy into my partner's hobbies because I wanted to spend time with them.

Rachael: 9:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 9:54

And they didn't reciprocate reciprocate.

SPEAKER_01: 9:59

Yeah, no, that's right.

Rachael: 10:01

So um so you give to them and they don't return it.

SPEAKER_01: 10:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 10:09

So I like my long-term ex, he was really into motorcycles. And they do these things called track days where they rent out a like racetrack in the Midwest here, and you go and it's just motorcycles on the track. So it's a safe way to like ride your motorcycle really fast and like in a safe controlled environment kind of thing. And you know, that required like a full weekend, you know, of us loading up the trailer, all the tools, everything, and going the state in like Indiana or things like that. And I didn't mind it because like I kind of grew up doing some of that, not motorcycles but cars, um, to the point where I volunteered to like help with like registration and scoring and like all this stuff with the organization because I was already there. Yeah, because I wanted to spend time with them. Yeah. And I was like, well, why don't I be useful? Because I don't like just sitting around. Um, but then like when I wanted to do something, um, like travel someplace that wasn't motorcycle related, there wasn't any interest, or I had run my half marathon and you know he didn't show up to like support me. And things like that. I would come support you. Thank you. I don't think I'll ever run another half marathon, but uh maybe a 5k. But there was just like little things like that where I wasn't getting what I was putting into the relationship back.

Rachael: 11:41

Yeah. Um how does it do you feel like what if you have a partner that is like you do you, like I support you, but I'm not gonna do the thing?

SPEAKER_03: 11:52

Well, I didn't ask him to run the half marathon with me. Yeah, I guess that's true. I would have just liked him to be like, hey, you know what time does it start and support you in that? Even like there's some people that like when you do a half marathon or a marathon, like they'll like figure out where they like they bring a bicycle and they do like five or six stops. Like put in the effort a little bit. I just wanted someone there at the finish line.

unknown: 12:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 12:16

And I didn't.

Rachael: 12:18

Did you ever ask him to come support you or like joining?

SPEAKER_03: 12:22

At that time, I one, I wasn't aware of it like I am now. And two, I'm always of the opinion I shouldn't shouldn't have to ask. Yeah. You know, because he didn't necessarily ask me to like get involved in Do you think that's just like a guy's thing though? Knowing more men now Well see, I did it with my boyfriend in college too. Like I was looking back, it's a pattern for me. Yeah. Of I would just give, give, give, and then expect them to give back in that same level, and I wasn't getting it.

Rachael: 12:58

It seems like that's a woman thing though.

unknown: 13:01

Probably.

Rachael: 13:01

Like I just think I feel like we sense things slightly different, and we're like, oh, we're just gonna like we're motherly in nature. Whether you want to be a mom or like I just feel like we're nurturing. Yeah, we're nurturing. Um, yeah, but so I don't know if it's like a they should just know, or we have to be like super obnoxious about it, like, yo.

SPEAKER_03: 13:22

Well, I don't want to nag either, so you know there's like this fine line. But looking back, I probably should have been like, hey, it would mean a lot if you like showed up.

Rachael: 13:31

And then that tells you something about them, because then if you're like, hey, it would mean a lot and they didn't, then you're like, well, you're not worth my time now.

SPEAKER_03: 13:37

Yeah, as opposed to just being ignorant of the situation.

Rachael: 13:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 13:41

So I mean I've learned a lot from some of that with self-reflection, but that's why like living alone, like even in a relationship, I was used to doing things by myself.

SPEAKER_01: 13:53

Um Is it worth it at that point? Like, or is it just worth being alone?

Rachael: 13:59

Really alone? Really alone. Real like, I mean, at that point, it's just like, well, why wouldn't you just break up and then be alone and then you don't have to worry about them at all? Why do you think I'm still in my situation? And that's why you care about your environment so much.

unknown: 14:17

Yeah.

Rachael: 14:18

Um, yeah. I just feel like we've gotten to this point where we're just not willing to settle. Yeah. And like we know our worst at this point. Yeah, we're not the insecure 20-somethings we were. Yeah, like we've we've grown up enough, we've done the therapy, graduated therapy. Congrats, Brandy. I'm still therapy.

SPEAKER_03: 14:37

We just weren't making any more progress. So she was wanting to pivot and I wasn't.

Rachael: 14:42

So pivot.

SPEAKER_03: 14:44

Maybe at some point we'll dive back into that, but she thought I was pretty well um good. I was forgetting I was I'm at least high functioning. High functioning. You know, I, you know, have all I like I'm very secure in my where I am in life.

Rachael: 15:02

Yeah. But so what were some of the signs to call it quits from your past relationships? Like, how does one know to say, like, okay, it's probably time to like call it for what it is, and you know, maybe they're not they're not a bad person, like nothing particularly happened, it's just I'm realizing you're not my person.

SPEAKER_03: 15:21

Yeah, so like college boyfriend, he lived in I mean, m rural Missouri, and I had got I had graduated a semester early and I moved back to the St. Louis area and I'd gotten a you know good paying job and all this stuff, and I I'd asked, I was like, you know, would you consider moving to St. Louis? Because my job was much harder to get a job in like mid-Mouri, rural Missouri, like in the middle of nowhere. Yeah, and he kind of gave me the runaround for a little bit, and so we dated long distance like a year, and it finally got to the point where I was even willing, so like I went to Missoula, Columbia, Missouri. I was willing to because he really wanted to live at home, which is like a town of 500 people, middle of nowhere.

Rachael: 16:22

Correct.

SPEAKER_03: 16:24

And I was like, well, what if we move to Jefferson City and that's only like 40 minutes from Columbia? I was like, I can work for like the university or a hospital doing medical research or something, and you're still only like 20 minutes from your parents. Right. And even that was too far.

SPEAKER_01: 16:44

Oh boy.

SPEAKER_03: 16:45

And so I was like, Well, if you're not willing to sacrifice that and you're not willing to move to St. Louis, then Yeah, gotta call it. Yeah. And so it it finally just came to the point, like, will you do this for me? Right. No, okay, we're done. Cool. Yeah. Um, and that was like my first heartbreak, so that took like a little bit, but then now I look at it and I'm like, thank God we made that like I wasted too much time in that situation to begin with. I kept trying to change him. Yeah. I'm a fixer, I've noticed as well. Yeah. Um, and then like the next one, it was just constantly like having to watch what I said, walking on eggshells. Like I was just uncomfortable in my own space when they were there. Yeah. And I mean, he ended up making the final call, but I like we would just snap at each other or we wouldn't talk when we got home from work. We'd sit on our phones with the TV on, kind of thing.

Rachael: 17:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 17:39

So it ended up being more of like a roommate situation than a relationship.

Rachael: 17:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 17:43

And things like that. So there's there comes a point when you would rather be out doing things than being at home with your partner that I'm like, okay.

Rachael: 17:51

Yeah, or like this anxiousness to come home, like when home was like the safe space, and now you're like, and like at the time I was working remotely and I wanted to go out and do something after work, and he was tired, yeah, and like wanted to stay home, and like it was just not what either of us need.

SPEAKER_03: 18:14

Like, we weren't aligning on what we wanted in life.

Rachael: 18:17

I think I was listening to this good podcast episode today by Jay Shetty, and it was like four ways to get over your ex, or like four things to keep in mind if you're like still hung up on your ex, which I'm not still hung up on my ex, like I still care for him, obviously, but um like we're grieving what we thought our life would be, but we're not necessarily grieving the person because it was all like how are they going to be like are they going to change? Are they going to do this? Um, so yeah, I think that it's okay to admit when it's not working. I think people are afraid, they're more afraid to be alone than put up with situations that are not good for them.

SPEAKER_01: 19:01

Yeah.

Rachael: 19:02

So sometimes doing the hard thing's the best thing. Exactly. It fucking sucks. You're gonna you are gonna be lonely. You're gonna go through kind of that wave, but you just gotta do it and get through it. So you get to the other side, you you do the bold step, you break up, you move during the holidays. Um I call it anti-cuffing season. Yes, exactly. So you do it, you move, you get into a new space, and you're just kind of doing your own thing. And how do you know when to start dating? Um, according to Google, because I Googled this. Um, it says you're ready to date again when you've processed your past relationship, feel excited about new connections rather than desperate, are comfortable being alone and can meet your own emotional needs. Yeah, meaning you're looking to add to to a full life, not fill a void.

SPEAKER_03: 19:52

Amen. Yeah, and that's kind of where learning to be comfortable by yourself comes in.

SPEAKER_01: 19:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 19:58

Like you don't want them to fill in that that loneliness. You want to fill it with stuff that you love and then find someone that compliments that.

Rachael: 20:07

I definitely think I'm in a different space with this breakup than I was with my previous breakup because are we talking about blue sky breakup? Um or I guess I'm talking about like after ex husband before blues guy. Okay. Um, I was kind of in the space of like I thought that I had moved on and like I was in a good space, but I think it was more now looking back, I'm like I think that I was lonely and attaching slightly, and like knowing that my ex like was engaged again, like you know, moving on with his life. Yeah, and I was like, I want somebody. So looking back, I'm like, I probably attached on to Blues Guy thinking that it was like, oh, I'm healed, like everything's great, and then was not in fact healed. Yeah. And like right, and that's probably why like it spiraled kind of the way that it did. And then after Blues Guy, I was truly like, nope, just doing my own thing, like truly not looking for anything. Um, and then just kind of stumbled into my previous relationship with I don't even have a nickname for him yet because it's so fresh. Um, but most recent X. Yeah. Um but not writing. Exactly. They're just like stacking. Yeah, we'll have to we'll have to I think we have a nickname for him. Um but I it just it feels different this time, and I've never really had this like calming sense when something is ending, if that makes sense. Like I'm just like, oh, it has ended and all is well.

SPEAKER_03: 21:54

That's when you know one, you've grown since even your divorce, or even your blue blues guy, yeah. And two, it was the right thing to do. Yeah.

Rachael: 22:08

Like even if it was hard, but the anxiety leaning leading up to the breakup is so much worse than once you finally do it. Yes, I a hundred percent agree, truly, and like the conversation was like, Are you breaking up with me? And I said yes. And then it was just like even just saying yes, it's like this overwhelming calmness. Like, yeah, there's gonna be feelings, like there's obviously there are tears, there are more conversations, everything like that. But at the end of the day, he's an adult, I'm an adult. Yeah, we've been friends for many years, we will still continue to be friends. Um, and this kind of sheds like a new light onto like how I feel about friendships, I'm sure. With uh with men and with your ex. I feel like I was pretty against it before, and I feel like I'm not backpedaling, but I just think my views have slightly changed.

SPEAKER_03: 23:00

Oh yeah. Cause you I mean you had for lack of a better term, toxic relationships. And you were like, You mean I pick toxic men? What? I mean one more than the others, but um, you know, you so you're you're building all this trauma response to these other men, and you finally have an ex that's mature and adult understands that it doesn't always work out, and then you realize, okay, this can be because I not that I'm friends with my exes, but like we ended like over time we were we were fine. Like if I saw them I'd say hi in the situation. Um and I've never been like if someone said oh I'm still friends with my my ex. I'm not like red flag. To me, it's not a a red flag to me, especially not that I've dated anyone with kids, but I've always said if I did, I would want them to have a healthy relationship with their ex. Yeah. Like I don't want baby mama drama, yeah. And you know, and I want them to be able to like co-parent in a healthy, mature way. So, you know, we might not hang out with them, but like I still think there needs to be, you know, yeah.

Rachael: 24:20

But it could like I think it could cross a boundary pretty quickly with some people. Yeah, no, I mean um so you have to get a read for people. This is a kind of one thing, like if I if and when I I mean I will date again eventually, but like not for a long time. Um, like just vibing that situation out. Like if they do have kids, like what is their relationship with their ex? Um, or like what is this quote unquote friendship that you still have? Because for me, I'm like, yeah, we're done, like we don't have sex anymore. Like, you know, will I grab brunch with him every once in a while, or like will I see him at a friend event? Great, but like it's not like we're still hooking up or anything like that.

SPEAKER_03: 25:03

Yeah. I feel like at least when it's fairly fresh, stayed in more of a group environment is always easier having like that kind of buffer. Yeah. And kind of drawing in back that platonic line.

Rachael: 25:19

Um I think it also helps when like both of us were like we care about each other, but we realize this isn't the best match anymore. And that also helps. If there were like more feelings on one side or the other, then I might have a different feeling on the other side.

SPEAKER_03: 25:35

And every every breakup's different. And I think you just have to have an honest conversation with like your next partner of like, hey, this person's been in my life this long.

Rachael: 25:46

Like I mean, to be honest, I just like keep stacking the friends with the exes and like they just keep staying in my rotation. Like blues guy, still friends with his friends, like, you know, somebody moves, blues guy's there, he sees you know, current like all of all of the exes and the friends are all just kind of intermingled at this point. I don't know if that's a bad thing or a good thing, but it is what it is. No comment, we'll figure it out later. Um I'll cross that bridge when I have to date again.

SPEAKER_03: 26:18

But I mean, as someone, I mean, I know a lot of women that like if the guy had girlfriends, and I mean you've I think you've even approached this in our our friends, um yeah. Yep, so like you can be sketchy as fuck with it. Yeah, I think it just comes down to a level of of trust that you have with a person on whether you can stay friends with an ex or not.

Rachael: 26:40

And being able to be open, like I think if it feels sketchy or like you say something and that person like corrects it or like addresses your concerns, addresses the concerns, then it should be fine.

SPEAKER_01: 26:54

Yeah, yeah.

Rachael: 26:56

Um, but I guess like how much time is enough time?

unknown: 27:00

I don't know.

Rachael: 27:01

I feel like I don't think there's a lot of things. Yeah, I feel like this is like a question that people have. Like, you know, they say like, oh, if you dated for X amount of time, you shouldn't date for X amount of time.

SPEAKER_03: 27:11

And I disagree with that mainly because especially as women, we tend to start distancing and feeling less emotions before we actually call it that decision. Like it's been over for a while.

Rachael: 27:26

Yes.

SPEAKER_03: 27:26

Or like on the verge of being over before we actually started the graving process before it even officially happens.

Rachael: 27:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 27:33

For the men it's like just now happening. Yes. Yeah. So like I really think it depends on the person and how the previous relationship I I think it depends on why the breakup happened in the first place. Yeah. What your relationship was like, you know, how comfortable you are with yourself. Um, I don't think there should be a set limit. Do I think there needs to be a grace period? Yeah, I don't think you should jump from one relationship into another one immediately because I think you need to reflect on, you know, how could I have been a better partner? What did I find lacking in them as a partner? And kind of understanding where you are at that moment.

Rachael: 28:21

Right. And ideally you walk away from that relationship with like not what was bad from that relationship, but like what do I need to work on, like you're saying, or like what did I gain or what was lacking from that relationship, or what did I gain from that relationship that I might need. You just need clarity.

SPEAKER_01: 28:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 28:39

Because I feel like new relationships, you need to, especially at our age, you need to have kind of the same expectations of where things are going.

Rachael: 28:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 28:49

Um, because we are getting older, but at the same time, there's still a lot of people that are just still in their their hookup phase. Yeah. And if you are wanting like a long-term partner to marriage, kids, that kind of thing, and they don't, I think you need to be upfront and open. Like this these are what I'm this is what I'm wanting. If that's not what you want, cool. Yeah. Like nothing wrong with that. But like So I think taking the time and understanding kind of where you are in life and what you want in the next relationship is important before you start dating again.

Rachael: 29:24

And I think it's good that when you do start that, that you just say it up front. Like, I think some people are nervous to be like, here's my checklist of all my requirements on like date one or two. And I'm like, honestly, I think we should just tell people that up front because it'll save us some money. And like you can just move on to the next pair of shoes, you know.

SPEAKER_03: 29:44

But I also think, okay, Gina, this is for you with the pair of shoes. Hope you're listening to this, Gina. We need to like in our podcast video here, we just need a wall of like of Gina quotes. No, just shoes.

Rachael: 29:55

Oh, shoes, yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 29:57

We'll just go to like Goodwill and get a bunch of random shoes and just put a wall of shoes up. These shoes suck. I loved Kelly. Um, that's actually hilarious. But uh yeah, I don't think you should be like uh Catherine Heigel was in um How to Lose a Guy, or no, not how to lose a guy in 10 dates, good lord, the ugly truth. I don't know if you've ever seen that movie, but like she goes into the dates at the beginning of the movie and she's got this like 20 item list. Yeah, and like she pulls out this list and she's like, Well, in your dating profile, you said you were six foot, and he was like five ten. And she was like, she like calls out all these things on her list that this guy lied about and all that. So, like, I don't think you need to have a printed out list, and you don't need like 20 items, you need your non-negotiables. What if my non-negotiables are 20 items? Godspeed.

Rachael: 30:56

It's probably it's probably it's probably actually not that much. But I do having been having created my negotiables and non-negotiables list several years ago, and this relationship, priorities have moved up. So, like something that like was on the list, but like didn't really care about the order. Now it's like, oh, these are like my top two or top three. So I think there's even room in this grace period of being, you know, just working on me, it's like refocusing on that list and the priority of that list.

SPEAKER_03: 31:29

Yeah, I I get that, but again, even having six or seven, it's not 20. Um you're looking for a a unicorn at that point. Um, even so, like I subscribe because she just has some really good tips and things like that. There's um this lady out of Kansas City called Midwest Matchmaking. I follow I have her newsletter, and she does, I think it's I think it's every couple of months, she takes some of her clients and she does a spotlight email and she has like what they're looking for. Like they're and they have probably five or six things that they're looking for. Like they have age, uh, do they want kids or already have kids? Uh like certain aspirations and things like that. So even matchmakers are wanting you to have like a a decent idea of I mean, otherwise you're either going in with no list and just frantically trying to find something, or you know, that's one extreme, or you have it so narrowed down that the odds of you finding that person that meets every single thing isn't gonna happen. So there's a happy medium there. Did you see the material?

SPEAKER_01: 32:48

Yes, I did. I thought that was good. That was a good movie. Um again kind of along those lines. But um yeah, I just ultimately it comes down when you're ready to date you'll know I think I think a lot of people rush into it when they're not ready.

Rachael: 33:10

Rush into it problem. They're trying to stick to like this timeline. I mean, you're giving me a look, but I'm on the timeline. Yeah, I know, I know. Um, truly, but like this whole I mean, all of these years it's been a timeline. It's like, do I stay with my ex-husband for kids? Like, do I like kids, kids, kids? And honestly, the universe is my oyster now. The universe will tell me. The universe will tell me what when it's right, and I already got a backup plan. Sperm donor at 35. Let's go. I feel good. Um, so don't rush into it. Even if you want kids, it will work out.

SPEAKER_01: 33:48

There are other methods fostering, adopting, sperm donor, surrogate, all the things.

Rachael: 33:55

Um, but if it's on your mind, like talk to your doctor about it. You know, my lady doctor and I just kind of talked through my options in my last go-around. Also, if it doesn't look the way that you envisioned it, I think that's also okay. Because, like, when I saw my doctor and I said, Okay, if I want four kids, um, when do I need to start having these children? And she said, Within the next year, and I was like, Cool, cool, cool. I'm not gonna date for like the next year, so I don't think that's gonna happen. So I think you just also have to be okay with maybe it's not four kids, maybe it's two kids, maybe it's a blended family, maybe you have some of your own kids, and maybe you meet somebody that has kids. Or I'm also a big believer of like the universe will tell you if you should be a mom or not. Like, if I can't have kids in the future, then my person will just want to travel all the time, and that's also cool.

SPEAKER_03: 34:51

And I'm Rachel's future partner exactly.

Rachael: 34:54

Brandy will always have me to travel. Exactly, exactly. When in doubt, I have Brandy.

SPEAKER_03: 35:00

Yeah. So I'm always down for a trip. Um, so yeah, I really just think it comes down to there's no to there's no checklist, there's no time frame. Um, I think you just need to have some reflection time, be comfortable by yourself. And I mean, even like in your situation, you've moved in with a roommate. Yeah, but at the same time, it's a roommate, not a partner, so you're not like matching schedules, you're not matching plans. Right, you know, you're still doing your thing, they're still doing theirs.

unknown: 35:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 35:39

Um, so you're still doing things alone.

SPEAKER_01: 35:43

Yeah.

Rachael: 35:43

To a certain degree. It is kind of nice like having somebody around. Yeah so I'm not solely, solely alone. Um but that's fair. It it seems like a good balance at the moment.

SPEAKER_03: 35:54

Yeah, it's a good transition to fully living alone.

Rachael: 35:58

I'll also be very happy when such roommate moves out and I don't have a roommate.

SPEAKER_03: 36:03

Right? It's just a lovely buddy. It's a nice buffer to you know transition away from living with someone. Living with a partner than living with a roommate than living by yourself that way. You're not going from one extreme to the other. But yeah, just trust your gut. Be honest with what you're wanting. Even if you are just looking to hook up, you know, after a relationship, knowing that and not dragging someone along who does want something more serious, just and it's being open, like um there's been a couple of guys that have expressed interest lately. Rachel's got a line of suitors waiting for her. Okay. She won't say I will. It's fine.

Rachael: 36:49

We're all there have been a couple of guys that have mentioned things to me, and I am just not ready. And I Which is fair. Yeah, like I'm just not ready. Like, I appreciate you being up front and telling me, but I'm not at that level yet. Yeah. Um, and I think the way that they respond is also telling of who they are as a person, too.

SPEAKER_03: 37:17

Oh yeah. Well, if they keep pushing you, then that's kind of a red flag. And like, just back up. Yeah. I'll tell you when I'm ready. If you're still available when I'm available mentally and emotionally, then Oh boy.

Rachael: 37:29

I did a brief thing at the coffee shop um the other day. I like there's this guy, he had something in his hand, like a coffee in his hand. And I was like, Oh, what coffee did you get? Like, I don't come here often. And he's like, Oh, it's tea. And then he was just like kind of playing hard to get, like, well, what do you think I do? And like, well, and I'm like, Ugh. Oh. Kiss my ass. Like, and then I was just like, oh, time's up. Like, you had five minutes to tell me what your job was, and you didn't, so I'm gonna go go back and sit with my friend for coffee. But I was like, hey, I like made a bold move, like said something. Good for you, but also He gave you he gave me an ick hearing. Disagree. Yeah, like two minutes in, I'm like, ick. So I also think that that's a telling sign. Like when you know yourself well enough, you can call out those icks right away. I also think it's fine to call people out on potential icks or red flags. Like, if you feel like they're a genuinely good person and like you're not trying to date at the moment, they're actively trying to date. I think it's okay to call people out a little bit more.

SPEAKER_03: 38:31

Yeah.

Rachael: 38:31

If you think they're receptive to it.

SPEAKER_03: 38:33

Yeah. If you have that established relationship with them, I think.

Rachael: 38:36

Like, have you thought about this? Have you thought about that? I also think that similar to like timing, like it'll all work out. I also think that like any of these people who expressed interest, I'm also like, yeah, like I'd be down in the future, but like you do you. Like, keep dating, keep like doing it. Don't wait for me because who knows what it's gonna look like months from now. Like, I don't even know where I'm gonna be months from now. Like, am I gonna even be in the in this country months from now? Who knows? Like, life can take you to so many different places. I'm going to Prague in a few months. I don't know if I told you that.

SPEAKER_03: 39:15

You did, but you better not be moving there.

unknown: 39:18

Okay.

SPEAKER_03: 39:20

I just moved. I'm not moving again. I know, but you're like, I might live in a different country. I'm like, I mean I better not be finding out while we're recording. No, no.

Rachael: 39:28

I'm not moving. I'm just visiting. It's fine. You can travel some. I just have a little vacation there.

SPEAKER_03: 39:34

I mean, if you find a pro man that fits all your chest. That seems like a red flag. But I don't know. I don't I don't know. There's this okay, so there's this couple on TikTok that I follow. And this man, so she has her grandparents lived in Italy, like her family's Italian, and she's from the States, and she went I think she was like summer after high school before college, I think was the time you know she went to this Italian beach. Like she was staying the summer with her grandparents. And this lifeguard was like head over heels for her, like instantly. This and she said she was coming back the following summer, like she went to school and then she came back. This man learned English to talk to her. Wow. And then he moved to the US for her. And they're like beautiful together. That's very sweet. So I just want a man to like Italian men or apparently like Oh, yeah, I mean, I know. So I'm sure in Prague it's uh European men. So I mean.

Rachael: 40:35

I've met some very nice Italian men.

SPEAKER_03: 40:38

I mean, there is a way to bring them back over.

Rachael: 40:42

I don't know if I want to put them through that, but you know. Who knows? We'll see. Anyway. Um I'm telling you, the universe will just tell me, but I do have like I feel like I have pretty strong gut reactions to people now. Like people that I've met. I even feel like there's this one person in my life right now that I was meant to meet. I don't know what the reason is. But I have a strong feeling that they're impacting my life in some way, but I don't know how at this moment.

SPEAKER_01: 41:15

So you'll figure it out. Time will tell. I'm chilling.

Rachael: 41:20

I'm hoping. I'm just like hanging out with my dog and my roommate and you because I love you. And that's about it. I mean And writing my book because I have to finish it in three and a half weeks.

SPEAKER_03: 41:30

Yeah, you've got plenty on your plate for yourself. Oh yeah. Um but yeah, I I don't I'm not like looking for anything at the moment. Like even though I had those moments of like I could have someone. I then was like, but this is all that I would be giving up to have that person. Right. And I'm like, I haven't met that person that meets all how do you think you'll meet that person? At this point I'm not. If I'm being honest, you're like the universal tell me. And I'm like, pretty sure I'm gonna have to kidnap somebody. And then I don't want to put in that kind of effort.

Rachael: 42:09

I don't know. Well, time will tell. Probably a danger party or something, you'll need something. I don't know.

SPEAKER_03: 42:16

I have a I have a lot of guy friends, like I have a personality that a lot of guys like to be friends with, yeah, but not necessarily date.

SPEAKER_01: 42:26

I found that a lot, which is fine. I'm gonna date you. Thank you.

Rachael: 42:32

I feel the same way about you. Yes, did you hear that? If only we liked women. I say that all the time. I did have an interesting conversation though about um This is taking a turn. Yeah, it is. I should I'm gonna pivot because it would go down a sexual path and we're cool. Um so let's say you get to that point and you're like ready to date again. I mean what do you do? I'm you're you're open. I'm open. Brandy's open for business, gentlemen, in case you uh uh want to hit a girl up.

SPEAKER_03: 43:07

Her number is don't even um I'm just not like I'm I'm open, but I'm not pursuing.

unknown: 43:17

Okay.

SPEAKER_01: 43:18

Like I'm not going out of my way to find something. But I'm also like I would approach someone, but I'm not gonna I don't know.

Rachael: 43:31

It's hard to explain. Is do you think this is true? Because somebody and I were talking about this at the bar um a couple of days ago. So people are getting off the apps because the apps suck.

SPEAKER_03: 43:41

Yes, we're all in agreement.

Rachael: 43:42

We're all in agreement. Apps suck. Um, and men and women see each other at the bar, but they're too afraid to approach one another. Yes. So, how do we get past this? Like, how do we actually cross that space and be able to approach people without seeming creepy? Yes. And like start genuine connections.

SPEAKER_03: 44:05

So I think women are of the mind that it's the man's, like, we've been taught by society, rom-coms, romantic books, it's the guy's job to make the first move. Like, that's what we've been conditioned to do. At the same time, men have been conditioned to not approach women because they're gonna come across as creepy.

Rachael: 44:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 44:27

Um, and I think that was really ruined by the creepy men when they just wouldn't take the hint. Like if a woman says, No, thank you, you know, they would get ignorant about it and be like, what do you mean I'm not good enough? Blah blah blah, you know, or like a stalkerish side. And I feel like that has ruined it for a lot of men. Whereas, I mean, our parents, you know, even I don't know, there's just a lot of people like older generations that that's how you met was out in the wild because you didn't have the app, you didn't have the internet. Like it was the people that you were physically exposed to.

Rachael: 45:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 45:06

And it was just like that was part of that was just part of the agreement, you know, like you had like you had no other option, so that's what you did.

SPEAKER_01: 45:19

Right.

SPEAKER_03: 45:20

And I think a lot of us want to get back to that point because we realize just how useless and time-consuming and emotionally draining the apps are. Yeah. Because it's very superficial, right? Like you get like six photos, a paragraph to write about yourself, if the men are even willing to write that much, and a couple of catchy prompts. Right. That's all you know about this person.

SPEAKER_01: 45:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 45:46

And I just feel like if you're in person, like women have the courage. Like, it's not just a men's job to approach people like you did at the coffee shop. You went out of your way. It's uncomfortable, and it's uncomfortable for men too.

Rachael: 46:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 46:02

Um, we just have to get over it and make it a norm again. And I think people are getting desperate enough as a whole, not individuals, but society as a whole is desperate to get back to those more genuine connections. And I feel like if you're at the same bar or at the same show, like concert, you already know you have a similar interest or you have a similar lifestyle, whether it's a happy hour after work, you know that they probably work an office job too, or whatever. Like, if you're in that kind of situation, you know you have at least something kind of in common.

SPEAKER_01: 46:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 46:36

Um, and I think that helps, but women need to, if you're interested, make the move. The worst they can say is no. Yeah, you may never see that person again.

Rachael: 46:47

Like, can it be so? I mean, I've leaned into like becoming friends with more women in in the past couple of years, and like I'll go to an event and kind of hit it off with a woman, and I'll be like, What's your Facebook? What's your Instagram like? Let's connect, we're BFFs now. And I feel like I can't um necessarily do that with a guy without thinking that he'll want more. So, is there can we approach men that way, or is it always going to be assumed?

SPEAKER_01: 47:26

I think it depends on how you hit it off in like the location. Okay.

SPEAKER_03: 47:31

So you know, you meet these women and you ask for all this stuff, but you've had a conversation before you ask for it. Yeah. You know, yeah. Um, so I think if you have a genuine conversation with someone and you're like, okay, like we have this in common. Okay, so let's take Galantis guy.

SPEAKER_01: 47:51

Oh Galantis guy, yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 47:53

As an example. Like, okay, he made a move, you were taken. But at the same time, you were like, Hey, we can still go to shows and like hang out in a group setting. Yeah. And we can like you know, so you still got all that information from him.

Rachael: 48:13

Yeah. And he was very like, I will say, like, he was very genuine with my response. Yeah. I was like, I'm dating somebody for respect out of my partner. Like, I'm not gonna meet you for coffee, like, don't take any and he like totally cool. Yeah. Like we chatted a few times throughout, you know, like the I think I've known him for 10 months now. Like, we've chatted throughout the past 10 months. Um, but he never tried anything. And like he was doing his thing, I was doing my thing.

SPEAKER_03: 48:38

And I think you just need to be like, you know, like now you're not ready to date. But if someone approached you and you're like, you seem cool, I'm not ready to date.

Rachael: 48:49

Yeah, like I'm not dating at the moment, but we can exchange numbers.

SPEAKER_03: 48:52

Yeah. Or, you know, you can add me on Instagram, and you know, if there's a cool like, especially if you're at, I feel like concerts are a great place because you know you have at least an art one artist in common with and you can have the whole, hey, maybe we can get a group together to go to a show sometime, or you know, if you ever need a concert buddy, like hit me up. Whereas you can establish a platonic relationship with them. I think you just have to be upfront when you ask for that information. For sure. Like if they hit on you and you say no, but here's my Facebook, yeah, you're not really telling them why it's a no. And so they're gonna say think you're playing hard to get.

Rachael: 49:33

So no's like a full sentence.

SPEAKER_03: 49:35

So it is, but women also use it to play hard to get. So if you just say no, here's my contact information, as opposed to being like, no, I'm not really dating right now, but you know, I could always use another concert buddy to go something with something like that. You're not quite friend zoning them, but you're making it clear that you don't want a sexual relationship with them at the moment.

Rachael: 50:00

I think that's it'll be it'll be interesting because I think I'm not the best at that. Well, you're better at it than I am. Of friend zoning?

SPEAKER_03: 50:11

Oh!

Rachael: 50:13

Oh well, I approach men like not expecting anything. So I think that's why I don't struggle with it as much because I'm just like bullshitting.

SPEAKER_01: 50:24

You know. Yeah, I get I'm the one that gets friend zoned, I feel. Yeah. I just because I'm one of the bros. I can't help them.

Rachael: 50:36

Yeah. I think it's hard for me, like with Glantis Guy, I was like, no, but like, I'll give you my number if like we want to go to shows. But I think that was like the first time I was really like, no, but yes. I don't know, like it just kind of seems awkward to me of like how to approach that. I think we just need to normalize it. Yeah, we just like we need to normalize it again. We need to be able to go up to people, um, whether it's male, female, like whoever, and be polite. Yeah, don't be an asshole. Like, if somebody says no, don't be upset about it. Like, that's why I give credit to Galantis guy, because I'm like, yes, you were polite about it, all as well. Like, you can tell that like he's one of the good ones.

SPEAKER_03: 51:20

Yeah, whether you're male or female, if someone approaches you, just be polite. Because if you're an asshole, they're never gonna approach someone again. And then we're back to where we were with these fucking apps.

Rachael: 51:31

Yeah. I'm like, sometimes it's just a no, and that's okay. Yeah, that means they just not their type of shoes.

SPEAKER_03: 51:39

Yeah, I mean, it's okay to not be physically attracted to someone because that's your first impression of them, right? Um and there has to be a little bit of physical attraction. Yeah, that's just human nature.

unknown: 51:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 51:52

So, you know, you don't have to be like, ew, you're fucking ugly. Okay. But just be like, you know, I'm I'm not interested. Thank you for having the courage to say something, but yes, support that. Yeah. But we just need to normalize it. And everyone, it's like we're on the cusp of this. We're on it.

Rachael: 52:12

Okay, so this is like this is the test to all of our listeners. Okay. Like, just be bold and like go up to one person this week. Okay, Gina. What's it like her? Today's Tuesday. Like, when you go out this weekend, just like say one comment to somebody, whether it's like, oh, I like that. Like, give them a compliment or like ask them what they're drinking or something like that, because that's just gonna get you in the habit. Like, it could be like that guy at the coffee shop, and I'm like, ick, red flag right away. Like, nothing's gonna happen there. But hey, I'm getting practice, yeah. So I can like keep having those conversations with people, whether it's a guy or a girl.

SPEAKER_03: 52:53

And you know what Gina told me is she said, especially if you're in a group of girls, it's even more intimidating. Yes, like a solo guy to approach you.

SPEAKER_01: 53:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 53:05

She told me one time to go by yourself.

unknown: 53:08

Right.

SPEAKER_03: 53:09

Go to the bar, like, and just tell people, like, tell the bartender, like, hey, I'm meeting a friend. That way the people around you aren't thinking you're like sitting there by yourself. Because there's a stigma to just sitting at the bar alone. To an extent. Um, but like we could break that habit. We could. But she said to just go sit at the bar and say you're waiting for a friend, but also it's a good excuse for you to leave if you're not comfortable. Feeling it. Yeah, you can be like, Oh, they're here. Yeah, I'm gonna go meet up with them.

Rachael: 53:42

Yeah, or share your location. We do that. Um, like if you're going to meet somebody or like you're gonna put yourself out there, like go to a show by yourself. Just share your location with somebody that you trust.

SPEAKER_03: 53:53

But just sitting at the bar by yourself, a man's more likely to approach you because he doesn't have ten eyes staring at him while he tries to put his pride on the line.

Rachael: 54:03

Yeah, in our friend group, we've got resting bitch face, so like ain't no man approaching us. Stay high. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 54:11

We just need to practice and you know, you're gonna fail.

SPEAKER_01: 54:14

Yeah. And you might succeed. Take your time, know when you're ready. Yep. Love yourself.

Rachael: 54:21

Um something that I've seen recently that I really resonate with is if you stay with somebody that treats you poorly, like what does that say about how much you love yourself?

SPEAKER_01: 54:35

That hits.

Rachael: 54:35

Yeah, that hits. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 54:37

And just like know your worth and what you want, take the take the solo time to get clarity on what you want.

Rachael: 54:44

It's not it's not asking too much for your non-negotiable list. Yeah. So there's not a lot of things. If you're questioning, yeah, if you're questioning, if you're asking for too much, you're not. So just remember that.

SPEAKER_01: 54:58

Okay.

Rachael: 54:58

But text us, maybe let us know how we can subtly approach people or approach them in a way that's not gonna be creepy.

SPEAKER_03: 55:06

You can tell us your your um failed attempts or your successful attempts of meeting someone in the wild. Yeah. Text us, let us know your thoughts. So if you know someone for us, hit us up too.

unknown: 55:17

Yeah.

Rachael: 55:18

And keep downloading our episodes because we are so close to popping this bottle of champagne. And Brandy will chug it all if she's drinking again.

SPEAKER_03: 55:27

I am drinking again too. I'm not drinking a whole lot. We're gonna shake it up with spray and then I'll drink what's left. How about that?

Rachael: 55:33

Correct. So we're so close to popping this bottle of champagne. Um, so yes, please keep downloading, keep sharing it out, and we appreciate you all. So until next time, stay bold. Stay empowered, gang out.