Parenthood Tips & Tricks Part 2

...con't from part 1.

You cannot wake up one day when your child is 15 and decided you'll now do the work. You can, I lied, you can, but dont' expect it to be as if you have foundationally set them up to have a good relationship with you.

However! You starting at ANY age, 15...25...40 is better than never. They just want to know, as you heal this relationship, that you're aware, and hear them. That you validate their experience and make the changes to do better, because you now know better. 

I notice children as they grow into adulthood stop having or trying to have relationships with parents because the parents don't have any want to change, or make changes, for a different outcome.

Ok enjoy this episode on parenting tips and if you ever want to have a convo about topics on my podcast I am a DM awa on Instagram!

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Transcript

[00:00:00] Well accidentally hit the check mark instead of pause my recording. So here we are to talk about the teen branding thing again. Um, still not edited, but now I gotta figure out how to upload two videos back to back on my podcast. Okay. People, which I'm hoping I could just upload the videos that it just goes tand.

Um. Or this will be part two, uh, which will be probably only four more minutes. So we went over all the things, right, like the foundational things of getting here. Now let's talk about teenager, just specifically, and if you hear any of the children in the background being, um. Just No, you don't. Okay. So back to what I was saying.

And then I have to like get myself up and make dinner for the first time in a couple days because I actually might have energy to make dinner tonight. Teenagers, Olivia, so me and my husband long ago, like she born maybe a couple months old. Like five [00:01:00] or six months old. And I actually remember talking about this, like we were laying in at the time, my twin sized bed.

'cause he just got back so many stories. He got back from deployment and I had my own apartment with her and everything and I was like, uh, I guess if we're gonna live together now, Ugh. Long story. Anyway. So. So we're in our twin size, my twin size bed, and I'm laying there and we're talking about it. And I think we've also talked about it other times, right?

Because it's, it's been a topic a couple times 'cause it was the first time we were having a kid and we thought about how the people around us and how his life went and other things. And I remember, I remember bringing up, if she ever has. If she ever gets pregnant as a teenager, we'll raise it. And he's like, yeah.

And I was like, and we'll make sure she finishes school and goes to college and is okay and that the baby would be okay. And he's like, yeah, and she'll live with us and one of her need to leave until she's ready. And I'm like, yes. And it was just so funny. We thought about [00:02:00] that. 'cause we were, we were young when we had her.

We weren't teenagers. But we were on that cusp. You know, I had her when I was 20, a month after I turned 20. So, you know, I was done with school and things like that, and I started college shortly after. But like, but it was just a very clear, like, she's a girl. She's our first kid and a girl, right? We're like, okay, should anything happen, we're supporting her in all these areas of her life.

Um, and I remember. Also him telling me he, he grew up so I grew up a little bit more reserved. Like my dad is from Iran and he is, we're Bahais and you know, we were very like, you know, wait till marriage, don't date unless you're ready to get married. Being modest, things like that, like the usual of. What honestly was great because I mean, when you're a kid, what else do you know?

You wear shorts and t-shirts and you run around and play. Um, [00:03:00] and excuse me. So I grew up being very like sheltered, but not to the extent that I didn't know what was happening in the world like. I was sheltered. Like I didn't know what a BJ was for a very, very, very, very long time. Like when people would talk about it in high school, I would just like nod my head, like I knew what they were talking about and I had no fucking clue and I was too embarrassed to ask.

Um,

oh my God, that's so funny to me. Like I was like, I was like, oh my God, they're gonna think of soda. And now he got, now he got like these little as kids giving andies everywhere. What the fuck? Anyway. And um. Then you have my husband who is the complete opposite, like man whore, right? Like pretty active, pretty young.

You know what I'm saying? So it was just so funny. Our worlds came together like, I'm not going to shelter that much, but to be very honest, very open. We're gonna talk about everything. But then [00:04:00] he also was like, yeah, and you can't do that because all the girls he knew that were even more shelter than me.

Like we're talking like preachers, daughters, they. Got let loose and went crazy. Or the ones that had to hide things were like the worst ones or something. I don't know how he put it, but we were teens at the time and this is just our memory of going to high school with these people. And um, and I remember thinking, yeah, like there is a medium, like a comfortable medium, right?

Like a balanced, healthy, medium, exploration and finding yourself and people and other things. Anyway, we won't get into that. So I just remember we had these talks where we were like. Okay, so we're just gonna be very open. And he's like, yeah, and she is, and we're gonna trust her and raise her to just trust her and know herself and she's gonna make these mistakes anyway.

As she got older, I remember thinking like, I'd be doing the dishes randomly, and this could be when she was like 6, 7, 10, 14, even, even recently. And I'd be doing the dishes and I would think to [00:05:00] myself like, and I would just smile. 'cause I'd just be thinking randomly outta nowhere sometimes here and there, like man.

One day my daughter is gonna experience like someone touching your hand for the first time, like holding it. But like the butterflies that come from that, or them like gently, like just all the newness, right? The newness of meeting someone of, she's gonna fall in love for the first time one day, like. That first love and she's gonna have her.

And then I smile and I was like, damn, she's gonna have her heart broken one day. And I know that's terrible 'cause people are like, oh my God, that's but no. Like you don't understand who hasn't. And we've all like had a heartbreak and it's like the most basic human experience minus falling in love is having our heart broken, right?

Like no matter what, even if you're in love with the same person that you married in high school, they'll still break your heart. Like there's no avoiding pain. Pain is a part of the human process. Pain is being human. Pain is, [00:06:00] is a, it's just, it is there. Right. That's why we have, I mean, physical, emotional, all of it.

It's why there's nerve endings and um, and everything else. So. I just remember thinking like, these are so, like, how crazy. Like I just thought all these experiences, she's gonna have one day for the first time. And so we've been very open and very able to know that we trust her and we, and we also have always told her this was a great precursor.

It's like, and we tell us to the boys, but they're different. That's gonna be a different, maybe I'll do a part three about teenage boys. Um, but yeah, she. She'll be 17 in February, so she's, but it's just crazy 'cause we knew, I always knew, I was like, Olivia, it's gonna be so much easier. Of course I call her doll hair, but now you know her name.

I was like, it's gonna be so much easier. To keep our trust then to try to earn it back. I was like, it's so easy to [00:07:00] keep it. It's so, so easy. It's like lifting a feather, but earning it back would be like, okay, now I gotta train to lift 500 pounds. Right? Like, it takes time. You build your way up. It's just this whole process and that's what any situa, any relationship.

Right. We talked about that before, like trust building work, relationship, friendship, parents, siblings, anybody. Right. Your mechanic, your hairstylist fucks up once and sometimes you're like, I don't know about this. Yeah. It's hard to get back. People trust is hard and she's always been, uh, really good with it because we've also, no one's perfect all and we also let her know that I was like, yeah, it's easier to keep it, but also no one's perfect.

So you're gonna slip up. You are gonna make mistakes, but that doesn't mean we don't trust you anymore. That's called being human. So she might do something and then we'd ask her and she would just tell us the truth and we'd talk about it. I'm like, okay, see how that was it? You kept our trust because we were able to have an open conversation about it in a safe space, and you're okay, and we're okay, and everybody's okay.

And so we built that trust [00:08:00] in the communication we have. Um, and it is just amazing to me because. Now that she's here and like her friends come over and a lot of things happen and, um, you know, she goes, and when I say things happen, I mean like. Her, her social calendar, right? She's out, she's driving. She goes to work, she goes to social events, she comes home, she brings people to the house, you know, all the time.

Like we see hi to friends all the time. Um, lots of sleepovers, lots of spending time together, and it's so cool to see that we've built that trust with her. But I've also had like beautiful conversations with her and her friends, or just candid, like, just very honest. Because I'm here. If they're trusting me, then I'm like, well, I'll trust you back.

Or when they want my stories, I'm like, yeah, sure. If nothing else, I'm here to guide, but also lead. And that can be through example. That can be through my own stories and what I've gone through in life. Right? Like especially as young women who are about [00:09:00] to go into the world and. They have what, a couple years of high school, left one or two and then go out and do all these things.

It's like, well, here, let me tell you, and you know what, maybe I'll start a whole series called Stories that Your Child should listen to before they go to college. Your female child. I don't know about the male experience. You can't ask me about that. Um. But you can't ask me about the other one. And that's unique to me.

Obviously not everyone's story is gonna be my own. And that's another thing here bring, here's what brings me to the next part about having teenagers and children in general. You cannot project all of your shit onto them. Oh my gosh. I, the older she got 12, 13, 14, I was like, I remember very vividly, 14 and 15, way more than I do when I was five or six.

So the more I started remembering and the ages she started reaching. I was like, oh, oh, I'm remembering this. I was like this, this happened for me. [00:10:00] This happened to me. That's triggering. And I had to really make sure to step back and be like, these were my experiences. They're not hers. That does not mean they're gonna happen to her.

She's a complete, they wouldn't even happen to me again if it happened, because everything would be different. I'm different. If I was put in the same scenario with all I have learned, right? We always are different in growing. In my past episodes we talk about that. Even five minutes from now, I'll be different, right?

So. That's important. Like you cannot be like, like I'm like, oh my God, she's gonna meet this guy and she's gonna end up dating him and she's gonna end up just fucking throwing her life away for him and doing that. I was like, oh no, that's just me. I even looked at my human design or my chart, my like birth chart.

I don't even think it was my human design. I think it was my birth chart, like my, like astrology one. Literally my karmic shit had to do with relationships with I have with men and some certain other crap, and like tying my life into them. A whole thing. Right. We'll go [00:11:00] into that another episode. So I'm over here like, that's shit.

I'm gonna look up her chart. What's her karmic shit. And so it's like. Uh, totally different. Our soul signed up for completely different experiences and you know, my mom told me a lot of her stories growing up and because of that shit, I don't do a lot of things that she may have tried to do. And that is great for me, and I think my daughter will learn from me as well.

Thank God. Oh, by the way, mom, you need to tell her about those stories you told me. So she stays away from certain shit. Um, that was my reminder to my mom, but yeah. But going back to, um, you cannot project all your stuff onto them. And that brings me to the last thing, and I'm so grateful. Childhood development people learn it.

Know somebody who knows it. Talk to a child psychologist who knows what they're doing. Or early childhood development or childhood development at all. Read a book, Google something. I don't know. Don't ask chat GBT unless they're pulling resources, but, um. [00:12:00] Understanding this is very important for your high, for your teenager, is so, so, so important.

Biologically, psychologically, all of it, physically, mentally, they're going to separate from you. They're gonna slowly start pulling away and you're gonna let them because in a few short years, they're gonna be off creating their own village. Having their own communities, of course they'll still be close by.

We're gonna be there for them. We're gonna be here no matter what. We're always gonna be their village, but them wanting to pull away and explore and go off and kind of like start separating themselves and detaching themselves is so natural, so normal. It's not them running from you. It's not them not wanting to spend any more time with you unless you're an actual insufferable person than it probably is you.

But it is so natural for them to start being away more, doing more without you, and not hanging on and clinging to that and punishing for [00:13:00] them for that is so important. Um, I know that it was getting like more and more like that, but like Olivia and I have established recently, like a homework date night.

Like we pick one night where she doesn't have social things, doesn't have work, it's during the week and we just hang out and she does homework and I'm there to help her if she needs or just a body double. 'cause my lady HD probably seeped into her ass. And so now she probably has lady DHD. We assume, um, at this point we're one big neuro happy family.

So just remember, and you can look into this even more like these stages and ages around your kids. Like, are they 13, 14, 15, 18, 20? Look it up. Read a book, read about it. Investigate the more P knowledge is really power people, 'cause the more knowledge you have, the more power it gives you power. You're empowering yourself with this knowledge because guess what?

You stop feeling like, oh my God, my kid doesn't wanna hang out with me to, she is so healthy and thriving and this is normal. [00:14:00] I did such a great job, right? We're redirecting perspective, changing it all. So please, please, please, please. The more you educate yourself, the more you empower yourself when it comes to this and many other things.

But like, just for the sake of this episode, all right, maybe in part three, if there is a part three or if I ever remember again to record about the boys and more into that, 'cause it's totally different. Um, boys and girls I think, but not two different. 'cause she is the oldest, so she naturally had things going on.

Right. Uh, falling into that nurturing, I will also. Direct and dictate things for the younger children. Not that this, she's a dictator. Um, but you know, at the boys we have to instill different things because they're twins, but they're also the boys and also youngest. So it's like, whoa, whoa, whoa. It's a little bit more effort into the.

Self-awareness and the accountability and the efforts that they put in towards the household, but making it [00:15:00] very clear, right, like very, there's more intention that goes into certain things for them, and we'll talk about that next time. In the meantime, thank you for listening to my stuffy ass face, and I hope you enjoyed these episodes, whether it turned into one or two separate ones.

We will see whether I can figure out how to put 'em together or not, because I don't edit shit. All right. In the meantime, enjoy your unedited life being perfectly, you okay? Love you. Bye.