Coping With Grief: Phillip Opens Up About Losing His Wife

In this episode of Dis-labled, Phillip opens up about losing his wife Suzy and shares how friendship, support and community have helped him through grief.

The group discusses coping with loss, Disability Pride Month, standing up for yourself and why disabled people should never be afraid to ask for help. We also enjoy one of Richard's famous music challenges and plenty of laughter along the way.

A moving and uplifting conversation about resilience, friendship and finding strength during difficult times.

Project Managers: Andrea Rai, James Corley, & Phil Powell
Editor: Phil Powell

Project Managers: Andrea Rai & Phil Powell
Editor: Phil Powell

Huge thanks to the National Lottery Reaching Communities Fund for supporting our Dis-labled podcast. Learn more about their amazing work: https://www.tnlcommunityfund.org.uk

All enquiries: podcast@communityfocus.co.uk
Website: https://www.communityfocus.co.uk/

Theme Music: Rastko Rasic & the students of Community FocusOther Music: Jazzy Frenchy by ⁠⁠⁠Benjamin Tissot

Transcript

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Speaker 10 0:07

Community focus. Community focused. We're here for you. With me and you.

Speaker 5 0:19

Our point of you. At five hours. Weekend with you.

Speaker 8 0:30

We're here for you. Yes. Our point of view.

Gila 0:52

Community focus is an art centre for children and adults with disabilities. We are based in Faboa Farnett, North London, and offered collection of creative and well-being activities for all ages.

Michael 1:10

Welcome to the podcast! Here we have today in this room. Philip, Hila, Hather, Bobek, Richard, and myself Michael, Plus, Andrea and James. And we're all gonna have a good time coming to us.

Andrea 1:31

Well today we're gonna talk about the lost numberine. We'll talk to question time. Having an Andrea jokes about fruit. Philip Brady opens up about Susie. Richard does his party piece. And we talk about wormholes.

James 1:55

Okay guys, so we're gonna crack on with our first topic, which is submarine, right? Submarine.

Andrea 2:02

Titanic.

James 2:03

Titanic.

Michael 2:04

So well I I have to I have to say that it costs 200 250,000 pounds to visit the uh Titanic. The people were taking the system and suddenly was badly designed, it was very the material was very uncomfortable, it was just limited oxygen tanks, uh it was badly designed, badly constructed and uh and uh although it could be fifty thousand meters was uh very low sea but uh nevertheless I think the management of it would be uh ridiculous I mean the concern people's life was death people die and that was responsibility of the company of whoever was in charge move forward and playing into somebody.

Andrea 3:18

Do you think people really do need to go and visit it? Can't they just leave it?

Michael 3:23

I think it's really but if they want to take that well, it is something why but it's attractive for the people that are very, very rich. Well, yeah, certainly.

Andrea 3:36

Yeah you know, it's people with money, people with lots and lots of money think they can do anything. Yeah, anything, but unfortunately it doesn't work out sometimes, does it? No.

James 3:47

Because how much was a ticket?

Michael 3:49

I didn't know just £250,000.

James 3:51

£200, so what could you do with £250,000? What would you all do with that money?

Havva 3:57

I'll buy myself a racehorse. Brilliant, would you? No, well yeah, I'll give him my racehorse. Yeah. I'll give him a nice name.

Andrea 4:08

What was the name?

Havva 4:09

Hercules.

James 4:10

Oh, that's a great name.

Andrea 4:11

Oh, lovely.

James 4:12

That's a great name, Habba. Yeah. Hercules the racehorse.

Andrea 4:15

Yeah, Ray Clearly. Haber's Hercules. Hercules.

Phillip R 4:18

If I had if I had that money, I would go to the Formula One. I love the Formula One. That'll be an experience. Lewis Hamilton, my Lewis Hamilton. I would support him. Definitely. He's my favourite.

Michael 4:32

That's not gonna cost you too much.

Phillip R 4:34

No, but I love I love the formula. I love the Formula One, it's lovely, you know. I love it. I can't I can't do our people on the bench.

James 4:43

No, no, no. How about what what would you buy with 250k?

Gila 4:52

That's nice. Um if I have that kind of money, I would probably save it and then if I really need it, then either buy a house or buy a car, but I can't fly because I don't know my left or my right.

James 5:14

Um I mean you could buy a house, that's saying something. You could buy a house, but these but you know, these millionaires, billionaires e even, they went down into the depths. Yeah.

Gila 5:30

They really they did not really have to.

James 5:32

They didn't have to. No, they didn't, they didn't have to. They didn't have to. Yeah, you know, it's um and when you think about the amount of people who die at sea every day and we don't know about them.

Gila 5:44

And still died.

James 5:45

And still die in sea.

Andrea 5:46

No, it's like all these poor immigrants that's washed on the boat. Oh yeah. You know, would they do the same search if any of those fell in the sea?

James 5:57

Yeah, so why are we interested in that? Well, why is the journalism about that?

Phillip R 6:02

Because all is all all they want is making money, money, money. Do you understand what I mean? I do, yeah. Yeah. But don't but what get us me? I don't know about you for you look. But what about what get us me? I pick disabled people. Don't get much money. And yet all the others do. Do you understand what I mean?

Michael 6:24

Yeah.

unknown 6:24

Yeah.

James 6:25

I think that's a really, really important point.

Michael 6:28

I mean, I shouldn't really say this, but there are people struggling in the breaking money. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I think everyone's gonna say I shouldn't really say that. That's what I think. I mean people on the break. But I mean it's true, I'm not gonna understand.

James 6:45

Have a what do you think about the submarine?

Havva 6:48

It's very sad. People died in the war.

James 6:52

Well, this wasn't the war, this was It blew up. It blew up underwater. Under the water, yeah.

Havva 6:58

So many people died. I'm sorry for them. You've got a nice family as well. Yeah.

James 7:03

Yeah, you've got to think about the families, don't you?

Havva 7:05

Yeah, the mothers and the fathers and the children, and there's the sons, the lost them.

James 7:11

Oh, I have a yeah.

Havva 7:12

They seem like nice people actually. Oh no, they're nice people, yeah.

James 7:27

So we need to be informed about current events.

Speaker 11 7:30

Yeah.

James 7:31

And what do they do on question time, Philip? What do they do on question time?

Phillip R 7:35

Oh, they're the audience and uh and a panel of of of uh of um oh last night they had they had someone from um Formula One on last night, yeah. Really? Yeah. No there was a Prime Minister on there, I can't remember his name.

Speaker 11 7:54

Boris Johnson?

Phillip R 7:55

Not Boris Johnson, no. David Cameron? No, no. John Major? No. He he he did um There's trust, there's been so many, huh? Can you trust it? Can you trust it? Sorry? No, can you trust it though?

James 8:08

Oh no I can't absolutely not. Um That's alright, it was yeah, it's very good.

Phillip R 8:16

Yeah I it started eight. So he's a mate. May not, may not, or may not.

Havva 8:27

I like crepes. I like crepes, I like grapes.

Andrea 8:30

Strawberries.

Havva 8:33

Melon? Melon is kind of canonal. Have it. You really sound like Rich really funny. Um like strawberries. I like strawberries. Um do you like peach? I like peach. I like mango. I like applicable mangoes.

Phillip R 9:00

Mangoes I'm a bit I've been a bit tearful. Because of uh because of my late wife. It would have been her birthday yesterday. My busy Susie.

James 9:15

Yeah.

Phillip R 9:15

During the 20th on June this year, the two things happened on because it would have been our wedding anniversary, mine and Susie's wedding anniversary, on the 14th of June. And it would have been she died on the 23rd of June.

Speaker 11 9:30

Yeah.

Phillip R 9:31

We were together eight years, married for five years.

James 9:35

Is there any tips that you can give us if we're struggling with um grief or sad feelings?

Phillip R 9:42

When I first when when Susie f when when Susan died, I didn't know what to do with myself. Do you want me to start on me? I didn't know where where to go or anything, got me. But at least I had my my car Betty with me. At the time, got me, and she'd been there for me, you know. Do you know what? Being I can't say. Being with with all my friends and colleagues, it's so lovely, you know? That's what I have. But when but when I first when up yesterday when I came, uh James, I didn't know whether to come on or not because of you know I don't want to inter interrupt the group or anything, do you know what I mean? But I'm glad I came this day, you know.

James 10:18

Oh, Philip, you are an inspiration to all of us, and I mean that. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Phillip R 10:24

Thank you, thank you.

Michael 10:26

And as I said, uh Phil is very brave. I could say that. You are, yeah, yeah. You're all against all the odds, you're yeah, you've made it.

James 10:36

Yeah, you are very brave. Yeah.

Michael 10:42

Now Richard is going to do his party piece of records from the past.

Andrea 10:50

Richard, do you think you can maybe name a few T uh songs?

Richard 10:55

Solo or with Ike or both.

Andrea 10:58

Um solo, yeah.

Richard 11:02

Let's stay together, yeah. Help. What's Love Got to Do with It? I don't know what it is. Yeah. Private dancer. Yes. Oh private dancer. We don't need another hero. Yeah, no. Mad Max. Typical male? Oh yeah.

Michael 11:21

I don't know how she's saying that.

Richard 11:23

The best. Simply the best, yeah. Stevie Windows.

Speaker 8 11:29

Yeah. Yeah.

Richard 11:31

No. Disco Inferno.

Speaker 8 11:33

Yeah.

Richard 11:35

Oh. I think that's all she had.

Speaker 8 11:39

Very good, that looks very good.

Richard 11:43

Oh that was with Ike.

Andrea 11:45

Oh, was that?

James 11:47

But like very eyes, very nice. Yeah, so how do you all feel about the the passing of the Living Legends of Tina? She was 83.

Havva 11:58

Yeah, very sad, very sad. Tina Turner. Tina Turner died. But you start the owner box died, let's start.

Andrea 12:05

Yeah, yeah, it's a few connects.

Michael 12:07

Yeah, yeah, David Bowie.

Andrea 12:08

David Bowie.

James 12:10

But you know, it's about celebrating the gifts that these artists give us. Yeah, yeah. Um when we need our cultural richness, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's left of it? What's next to it? So who can describe to our listeners what the day is like outside?

Havva 12:34

Dry. Nice and dry. Yeah, for a change. Yeah, no rain today, not snow. There's no clouds. It's all blue, isn't it?

Michael 12:46

It's all sky and blue. Yeah. Well I've come through the clouds.

Richard 12:50

Is it warm or is it clear?

Phillip R 12:52

It's sunny, it's sunny. Sunny.

Richard 12:56

Yeah, they said the weather would be warm, dry, and sunny for the rest of this week and into the weekend. It's windy.

Speaker 10 13:04

It's windy, it's windy.

Richard 13:05

At least into next week. Okay.

Andrea 13:09

Do we believe the weather then?

Havva 13:11

Not really.

Richard 13:13

I don't believe it. The forecasts are not always.

Michael 13:17

I think it's shouldn't we start climate change? No, because we had no water last week.

James 13:30

Here's what a wormhole is. It's a hole in a mole. What is a wormhole? What is a wormhole?

Phillip R 13:41

Is it a worm in a hole?

James 13:43

It could be. I mean that's where my mind goes. There's actually a whole scientific thing around it. About you said it quite well.

Andrea 13:54

You go in this whole the tunnel and it transport you transports you into a different dimension or a different world.

Michael 14:04

Is it how shoe? But it's it's it's like it also uh contacts you to other planets as well, I think.

Andrea 14:12

Well So if you could if you could jump into a wormhole, where would you like that wormh where would you like to go?

Havva 14:20

To Ireland.

Andrea 14:22

To island? Would you like to visit Ireland?

Havva 14:26

Yeah.

Andrea 14:26

Have you been before?

Havva 14:27

No, I've been before.

Andrea 14:28

What would you like to do there?

Havva 14:29

I'd like to go down the island on the on the sea.

unknown 14:33

Yeah.

Havva 14:33

With coconuts on it.

Andrea 14:35

Oh lovely.

Havva 14:36

Only by itself. That's all. Only little fishes. Yeah.

Andrea 14:41

Palm trees.

Havva 14:43

That's it.

Andrea 14:44

What would you take with you?

Havva 14:46

Well, I'll take with me. Yeah. Um I'm not sure really. I did not think about that.

unknown 14:53

Ha!

Havva 14:54

Oh, a little boat.

Andrea 14:56

You take a little boat? Yeah.

James 14:58

That's sensible.

Andrea 14:59

Would you take your lunch?

James 15:01

My lunch?

unknown 15:02

Yeah.

Andrea 15:03

What about you, Babang? If you had a chance to jump into a warehouse, where would you like to go?

Babak 15:11

Guinness factory.

Andrea 15:12

You want to go to the Guinness Factory?

Babak 15:13

Oh!

James 15:19

What would you do in the Guinness Factory? Well, what would you do once you've So you've you've gone through the wormhole when you're in the Guinness Factory? Have a drink. Have a drink.

Andrea 15:32

Sample, sample.

James 15:34

I've been there anyway.

Havva 15:36

I've never been there.

Andrea 15:38

Where's the Guinness Factory?

Richard 15:40

Ireland.

Andrea 15:40

Oh, so you've been to Ireland?

Richard 15:43

Whereabouts in Ireland? Whereabouts? Dublin. I've been to Dublin.

Babak 15:50

They give you like a free ticket.

Havva 15:52

Oh, a free ticket, oh. I've never been to Ireland, I've never been.

Andrea 15:58

So Richard, you've jumped down that wormhole. Where would you like us to take you? Barbados.

unknown 16:05

Oh god.

Speaker 8 16:06

Barbados.

James 16:07

I'm going to Barbados. That would be nice. I think I might join you on that one.

Andrea 16:13

Yeah, it's enough room for me.

James 16:15

How quick does a wormhole take when you go through a wormhole? Is it instantaneous?

Andrea 16:20

Yeah, it's quick, isn't it?

James 16:21

It's very quick, yeah. It's very quick, is it?

Babak 16:23

It's like a maze, isn't it? Yeah, it's a bit like a maze. I've been there. You go underneath and you go up again, huh?

Havva 16:29

Yeah. You've been down a wormhole? Have you? I've never been. I'm so jealous.

James 16:35

Can you tell us where it's where it is so we can all go? To the wormhole.

Babak 16:41

That was with the collar uh with the Guinness track on the hole and come up again.

Michael 16:46

Yeah.

Andrea 16:46

Amazing.

Michael 16:47

I'd like to go to another solar system.

Andrea 16:49

I'm gonna go to solar system.

Michael 16:50

To another one. Which one? I don't know what to tell me. I'm not sure there's so many, isn't there?

James 16:56

There's so many. Do you any of you think about the universe?

Michael 17:01

Oh I do, yeah. Do you what's his name? Professor oh what's his name? Erwin, no, Professor Cox? Yeah, he does very good documentaries, isn't it? He does. He's very interesting, yeah.

Andrea 17:13

So Phil, what about you? If you jumped into that wormhole, where would you like to take you?

Phillip R 17:19

Oh, to Africa.

Andrea 17:21

So your family. Whereabouts in Africa?

Phillip R 17:24

No, Nibia, in Africa. Namibia. Yeah, in Africa. Yeah. See my back my my Becky and the kids. My family, yeah. Because you go once a year. I've got yeah, I've been adopted by the family. It's very lovely, you know? They see me as part of the family. Certainly. And must be very very hot. Yeah, but I I I just love it up there, you know? It's just it it you get a nice warm welcome, and the kids are lovely. Especially the little one, Daniel. He's one he's money money as old as he is. I just feel, do you know what? I ever since I left home, all those years ago, I feel complete. I feel up by people, and I'm happy.

Speaker 11 18:09

Yeah.

Phillip R 18:09

And touch wood, touch wood, not touch wood. No no seasons, no bits or anything since I left home.

Michael 18:18

Just amazing what the body can do. Yeah. Or what your mind can do.

Phillip R 18:21

Yeah, that's right. Just amazing. Don't know anything about the brain.

Babak 18:25

So how are you feeling now or are you coping with it or the situation?

Phillip R 18:30

But I still I still it still goes through my mind sometimes. It's still I still think about it. Think about it. Am I being silly?

Speaker 11 18:38

No. No, no.

Phillip R 18:39

Am I being silly? Going over and over again? No. No.

Babak 18:42

So are you coping okay or are you are you bit done or have you got friends to talk to or not? I've got loads of friends to talk to.

Phillip R 18:48

I've got loads of friends. Do you work or do you? I've got my I've got my su my um my uh support workers from your p from B PA choices, you know. They've been a great help to me as well. How are you feeling in general yourself? Yeah, I feel I look forward to going home. I look forward to going home. I feel complete. I love going home, go you know. I don't well once a month I go to Comedy Evening once a month with my friend Dave Nyman. We have milk mil have some people up there, you know. Once a month. And uh uh Queens are pub in partners. And um I come here to twice.

Babak 19:27

Yeah, there's a question I want to ask you.

Phillip R 19:29

Do you go for mills or yeah, yeah, we do go for mills, yes.

Babak 19:32

Yeah, do you go to like us buffies or Chinese or no not buffy.

Phillip R 19:36

No, I used to.

Babak 19:37

You got buffies yourself.

Phillip R 19:38

Yeah, I do, yeah. Yeah, I'm a buffet, yeah, I like my I've a I like my food, you know. But I feel but I never knew what life was until unless until I left home.

Speaker 11 19:49

Yeah.

Phillip R 19:50

And that video I made about my last story.

Andrea 19:53

What do you think about vaccination together? Very good. I like it.

Babak 19:57

Very good.

Phillip R 20:02

Yeah. If it wasn't if it wasn't for my my zimmer, I've got my zimmer with me. I don't know what I'd do. I feel I go frame. My frame, my zimmer, yeah. You've been framed, eh? No, but I I just feel I feel complete, you know what I mean? I should do a walk. Do you have the ability to walk? Yeah, I do, yes, I can walk, yeah. Yeah, which is with me, because of my of my disability, I've got a cerebral palsy down my right side. My right foot goes over sometimes, you know. That's why I wear this caliper on my foot at all.

Andrea 20:33

Region amazing, Phil and thank you so much for watching. Thank you guys. Thank you.

James 20:44

So it's disability pride month. Think about having a month that is devoted to, you know, the pride of being disabled, right? Or the pride of um having a condition. Um because I think it's not often we put those two words together in society, but it's an opportunity to perhaps feel really proud about.

Andrea 21:10

It says here, disability pride month is celebrated every July, and there's an opportunity to honour the history, achievements, experiences, and struggles of the disability community. And in America, in July, it marks the anniversary of the Americans with Disabilities Act, landmark legislation that broke down barriers to inclusion in society.

James 21:31

What does that mean to you guys?

Michael 21:34

Which city was that happy?

Andrea 21:36

Pardon?

Michael 21:36

Which city was that heavy?

James 21:40

I think it's America in general. Yeah, oh really.

Andrea 21:48

And um there's lots of things that they're doing over there to celebrate. Um they want people to share their stories so they can help somebody with theirs. Um like to teach the children to help them acknowledge to include disabled people. Phil, do you want to explain how would you if you have this opportunity to teach a group of children about disabled people?

Phillip R 22:13

How would you um Right, I would I would I'll get the I'll I'll ask the kids sit them down and tell them that disabled people have the right have the right to be independent and do what they want. And some kids are take the Mickey out this at the way disabled people are. And they shouldn't. Because I think they never they don't know they they might be disabled yourself one day.

James 22:43

And if these kids were disabled how would you what how would you want them to be educated if if you had the power to help children with disabilities to be I would I I would say to them you've got to stand up for yourself.

Phillip R 22:57

You've got to stand up for yourself. If you don't stand up for yourself you don't get anywhere.

Michael 23:02

That's very true.

Phillip R 23:03

Yeah yeah and it doesn't matter what how you what how you are what you are it it's it's it's nature do you know what I mean? It's just how how you we were brought up yeah and people think because you've got a disability you can't think for yourself but you can don't let anyone down say that you can't think for yourself or do things for yourself but but you can you've got to be strong you know healthy and just be happy you know you've got to be happy I think that's a really powerful message thank you.

James 23:40

Yeah so standing up for yourself and being happy I love that.

Phillip R 23:46

Because if you just don't stand up for yourself you don't get anywhere.

Michael 23:49

No stand up for your rights.

Phillip R 23:52

For my rights yeah that's right yeah Bob Marley song.

James 23:55

Yeah stand up for your rights yeah Bob Marley yeah for the people who stood up for for the rights for equal rights and um the one song that really caught me caught you know something is it's Levy Sicily, something inside so strong.

Phillip R 24:11

That's it it said I know I can make it that you're doing me wrong so wrong. I thought my pride was gone oh no then said brothers and sisters Wendy and sis we're just not good enough but we know better. Just look in the eyes and say I'm going to do it anyway.

James 24:28

That's a beautiful song. Yeah.

Phillip R 24:31

Thank you.

Michael 24:37

Well yeah well my first experience in the workplace was with self adjuster. I worked in the kitchen before I don't know why I did it and I used to my mind was all over the place you know and I used to smash plate plate some accidentally loads of them and was it as smashy time? It was as fashy not for the plates. No no and then they then they put me in the toy department because they kicked me out and in the toy department I just played with the trains you know and uh played with the toys and that's that was the best thing about salvages. Now for then another job I went for was Mossboss. The other um the men's way company I I worked in the uh the wedding section where I I fitted up the men in the in the in their suits for for weddings you know and uh they used to give me tips but we had the manager and he he he used to scream at us but didn't put fingers away and so I shouted at him back I said to him I'm linked and yeah but I mean I don't like that people that you stood up yourself too yeah yeah I never went back I mean it's a horrible place to be I I I mean the the the clients or the people they were very nice you know they would give you tips the guys would give you tips but the manager was a monster you know so I I told them I I told them what I thought of them.

James 26:06

Well it's a very common story to have managers I'm sure we can all relate to that at some point in our lives.

Michael 26:12

That's very yeah but I mean as uh stand up for for yourself it's feel safe.

Phillip R 26:18

Yeah definitely doesn't matter if they're manager uh government I don't know society you have the power parents you have your own power yeah yeah yeah you you got you got a problem don't worry about it you can ask the teacher to help you like I do they helped you know that don't be afraid to ask it's your sabled you can't do things don't worry about it don't be scared or your mum can help you and your dad and the teacher can help you as well well thank you have her that's alright we're welcome very thank you having me thank you having me don't be scared I just asked somebody to help you like I do on the cheaters around that's fine don't be straight to ask some absolutely what I used to say there's always worth people up and yourself yeah that's it yeah yeah you're dependent yeah you can deny me you can decide to turn your face away yeah no matter because I'm the inside so I know that I can make it do the mini wrong so wrong I thought the microphone was done oh no stop the inside soa whoa stop the inside so amazing well done it's ever communicate focus community oh good we're here for you with me and you all point of you at five years that is the podcast a week in with you we're here for you all point of you I walk you hooray I won't