Don't Patronise Me - How It Feels and What We’d Say Back

In this episode, we talk about being patronised—how it makes us feel and what we would say to those who have patronised us in the past. Listen carefully—you might learn something! You could be patronising others without even realising it.

We also bring you the third instalment of our drama, 45 Nowhere Street, and an incredible Talking Tale, written and performed by Tara.

Project Managers: Andrea Rai & Phil Powell.

Editor: Phil Powell

Project Managers: Andrea Rai & Phil Powell
Editor: Phil Powell

Huge thanks to the National Lottery Reaching Communities Fund for supporting our Dis-labled podcast. Learn more about their amazing work: https://www.tnlcommunityfund.org.uk

All enquiries: podcast@communityfocus.co.uk
Website: https://www.communityfocus.co.uk/

Theme Music: Rastko Rasic & the students of Community FocusOther Music: Jazzy Frenchy by ⁠⁠⁠Benjamin Tissot

Transcript

SPEAKER_14 0:07

Community focused. Community focused. We're here for you. With me and you.

SPEAKER_07 0:16

Oscar Alpha.

SPEAKER_02 0:22

At five hours. Your dungeon. The podcast food.

SPEAKER_06 0:29

A weekend with you. We're here for you. Yes.

SPEAKER_11 0:34

Hooray! Hooray!

SPEAKER_13 0:47

Community Focus is an art centre for children and adults with disabilities. We are based in the Bower Funage Love London and offer a collection of creative and well-being activities for all ages.

Jonathan 1:04

In the room we have Carol Jonathan.

SPEAKER_09 1:13

Bye bye. And Amelia.

Carol 1:19

In this episode we talk about being patronized, how it makes us feel, and what we could say to those who have patronized us in the past. Listen carefully, you might learn something. You could be patronizing others without even realizing it. We also bring you to our third instalment of our drama 45 Nowhere Street, an incredible talking tale written and performed by Tara.

SPEAKER_03 1:56

Hello guys, how are we all this week? Gaila, do you want to start?

SPEAKER_13 2:02

Um I had a good week. I was helping out on being an assistant teacher on a podcast and it was my very first time doing it and I loved it. Um in for bakery. I was making four cakes and victory sponge. I done for the cake business or okay, and then I did for icing. Instead of icing sugar, I put in custard sugar that or that was fine because we just wipe for the custard sugar off. And then the mum of a bakery said put it out on the mixer because for icing sugar will go pff. And I didn't so basically so basically I was covered in ice and sugar and I wasn't happy on that night. Did it taste very nice though? I didn't taste it.

Carol 3:16

Kawa, how are you this week? My week has been pretty good. On Monday I had two theatre pl um places I go to. I go to Youth Theatre where I did a bunch of acting, singing, uh dancing for a show that we're doing in uh July. And I go to Chicken Shed, which I'm doing another another show, and we played um a bunch of games and we did um we came up with ideas what we want to do for the show. Um and pretty much overall it was really tiring for for Monday. The show that I'm doing at the U Theatre, uh it's about um how it's about like like the different centuries, like the 20 1920s, 1930s, and um we are um travelling back to those eras and finding out what it was like. And for the chicken shed, we're doing like something based off music and emotions. Amazing. And uh we're coming up with our own ideas to say what we would like in the show. So yeah.

SPEAKER_03 4:35

Well done, Carol, fantastic.

Carol 4:36

Babak, how was your week this week?

SPEAKER_08 4:39

Quite good. I've been going to Aston Villa.

unknown 4:42

Really?

SPEAKER_03 4:43

Went to a football match. And what was that like?

SPEAKER_08 4:46

Quite good, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 4:47

Yeah? Who'd you give away?

Phillip R 4:49

Who were play who would play?

SPEAKER_08 4:51

Chelsea and Villa.

Phillip R 4:53

Uh and who were one.

SPEAKER_08 4:54

The best team won. Villa. Jonathan, how's your week been?

Jonathan 5:00

It's been okay, could be better, could be worse, yeah, but it's not been a super eventful week. Things have sort of been rather quiet for me really, so yeah, not much to say. Oh no.

SPEAKER_06 5:45

This pub is weird.

Phillip R 5:47

Definitely weird. There's no bodies, all the heads are here.

SPEAKER_06 5:51

And do you fancy a cocktail?

Phillip R 5:54

Yes, I would.

SPEAKER_06 5:55

What cocktail would you like?

Phillip R 5:57

Sacrifice please.

SPEAKER_06 5:58

And I'm gonna have bloody Margaret.

Phillip R 6:01

No, swearing, please.

SPEAKER_06 6:02

Bloody Margaret!

Phillip R 6:04

I said no, swearing, please.

SPEAKER_06 6:06

Bloody Margaret, is a cocktail.

Phillip R 6:07

I said, thinking of Margaret, where is she?

SPEAKER_06 6:10

Thinking of Margaret, where is she? She's gonna run off with we need the inheritance. Let's ask this lady here. Ma'am?

Phillip R 6:18

Excuse me, madam. We're looking for our friend Margaret.

SPEAKER_06 6:22

I'm just a cleaner. But we want to know where she is because we can't leave nowhere, Lamb, without our inheritance. What's her name? Margaret. We're missing one. That's our friend Margaret. She never tidies up herself.

Phillip R 6:39

Where is she? Tell me now. Was she here?

SPEAKER_06 6:43

She was. Are you sure? Are you not pulling my leg because we want inheritance? If we don't get inheritance, we'd be we'd be out of the streets. We won't have no dosh. Is she still here? Yes or no? She left in a hurry. Are you sure? Are you sure? Yes. I don't know. Duncan. Right. We want to know where she is so we can get our inheritance, please.

Phillip R 7:08

Don't tell me begging us. Don't tell us which you don't know where she is.

SPEAKER_06 7:12

We want to know so we can have the inheritance so so we can make her own life without her. I don't know. You don't know? Call yourself a cleaner!

Phillip R 7:24

Call yourself a cleaner. Of course you of course you know where she is.

SPEAKER_06 7:28

Why don't we give her 50 so she would give us information about Margaret? Shall we do that, Hugo?

Phillip R 7:36

Is she worth it then?

SPEAKER_06 7:37

Of course she's worth it. Margaret's one of our dear, dear friends, dear.

Phillip R 7:42

Oh dear, yes. Okay, let's give her.

SPEAKER_06 7:44

Oh, here we go.

SPEAKER_05 7:50

Oh, oh. Thank you, thank you. I remember something. Oh tell you, please. You're not pulling on legs. No, I'm just talking about the factory. Market wanted to go. She told me when I was cleaning her room. What factory?

Phillip R 8:11

What factory?

SPEAKER_06 8:12

The Dorse! The Dorsehead Factory! We don't wanna go there, not after dark, because all the heads come come alive. We don't want to go there. That's an evil legend.

SPEAKER_05 8:24

There's nothing to be scared of. Oh we're scared, we're scared.

Phillip R 8:28

We're scared.

SPEAKER_06 8:30

We're scared we can't do this. We're gonna We got to the ghost Think of Margaret and the hair. Think of Margaret.

Phillip R 8:36

Yeah, think of Margaret and the hell it just yeah. We got we got to be strong, have we?

SPEAKER_06 8:39

We got to be strong and united we stand, divided we fall.

Phillip R 8:44

Yes.

SPEAKER_06 8:44

Do it for Margaret.

Phillip R 8:45

Do it for Margaret, Margaret, Margaret.

SPEAKER_06 8:47

Margaret, Margaret, Margaret, Margaret!

Phillip R 8:50

Margaret.

SPEAKER_11 9:00

45 A Street stars Phil, Corey, Nadine, and Carol.

Jonathan 9:24

How does it feel to be patronized and what emotions does it conjure from within when you know when you think you may be being patronized by someone?

Carol 9:37

So when I there was a situation when I enrolled in college. I normally don't like go to like certain situations by myself. I normally have uh one of my parents with me to help me because uh I don't sometimes I don't understand what that person is saying and I need someone to explain it to me. So I was there by myself and I felt there was this uh lady who was enrolling the people and uh when it came to my turn I didn't understand what she was saying and I felt like she was talking to me in a very like baby-ish way, like saying, I think this cour I I wanted to do this certain course and she said because of your special needs, I feel like another college would be suitable for you because of your surround for your like your surroundings and stuff, and I kind of got overwhelmed by that. I started like I started getting emotional because of that, because I've I don't do things by myself. It's like kind of like having anxiety in a way, like but like I got overwhelmed by that situation and I felt like she was just belittling me, and I felt kind of like she was trying to put me down or something because because of that. Another time when I was at an appointment um and my both of my parents came, I was I was because I I get nervous in those kind of situations when I'm like alone um but I'm trying to learn to be I'm trying to be like I'm trying to learn to be independent by going to appointments by myself. I don't know either.

SPEAKER_13 11:21

Yeah, it's so awful, Carol. Um thank you for sharing that story. I really feel what you said about your story. Um so I went to an appointment on Wednesday and I was there with my mum and my mum and me and the receptionist was just talking um about how we got here and I said we got here by car, my mum said we got here by car, and the receptionist said can she not speak? And I said, Yes, I can speak, but I want my mum here because I've got learning difficulties and my mom found it really rude that she actually said that I should speak by myself and also for receptionists said be confident, speak for yourself, be confident, you can do it. See you done it, you done it and I thought you don't know how it makes me feel inside you you saying all the things and yet you make me feel really small and basically feel really like I want to cry because I can't speak for myself like and but I got learning difficulties and I just felt really really upset for my mum. I said sorry to my mum because I always say sorry to people and I don't know why. But how cruel are people that basically trying to help you and say and then sit just like oh why can't you do this by yourself or why can't you do that by your and I just don't understand people and their brains, but it's really made me feel like a pee on the ground basically. Don't really want to pick myself up anymore and speak by myself.

Jonathan 14:15

Uh yeah, yeah, I um I have quite a big history with being patronized. It's uh it's a really big thing with me. Yeah, I've become extremely tired of being constantly patronized because it seems like it happens by practically everyone almost all the time. I feel like uh I'm being treated like I'm half there. Like I'm just something to be removed or just pushed to the side so the other people around me can get something different to what I get from them. A tone of their voice will change when they get to me in a conversation. I I hear this change of tone and there will be a a change to the look on their face as they look at me and I feel so sensitive to this feeling I get when I think I'm being patronized, that I will end up sort of overcompensating a bit in how I speak. When I'm in a when I when I'm in a lot of groups, I will notice that other people are better at carrying on and keeping a conversation a lot more balanced than I can. And it feels as if everyone else around me is a much better talker than I am. And so when they get to me, I fear that patronizing tone that so many seem to have when they talk to me. That I feel I need to talk as much as possible. And that's when I start sort of jabbering nervously and uh for a while I um I'm not quite aware of it, but then as soon as I am aware of it, I'll start apologizing profusely for it. And it feels as if whether I I was actually jabbering or not, or anything else I may or may not have been doing wrong, I end up doing something wrong by either apologising or not even noticing. And like conversations are tricky, you know, they are they they can be very tricky. And I I just want to do my best, you know, when I can talk to people. Yeah.

Phillip R 17:31

Yeah, with what you know with my with my Susie, my late wife, my my b my my Susie. They they think I was walking down Batania Road while I live in Wetstone, near Finchley area. And someone said to someone, Is she right? Look at that boy looking after you're to mum. I overheard, I said to her, I said to him, excuse me, she's my wife. And I was patronised by a carer a long time ago. And they said to me, Why don't you do the washing up? I said, It's your job to do the washing up, you're here to do the caring. They said, mate, if you want to be independent for it, try and do it yourself. Yeah.

Jonathan 18:15

Well, for me it's um it's it's I I seem to have the sort of uh something about me that people can't seem to help patronise. It seems to be people all over. It's I I've I've had people that have definitely been there that were supposed to be helping me, but like I said, it's just like I I'm someone that people want to just get moved out of the way to make room for other people, it seems. But you know, to be treated like an object by these people that are meant to be helping you. They're meant to be able to understand your situation, but then their overall attitude and the tone of their voice, it'll simply show that they aren't really interested, and I don't know even why they're supposed to really be there.

Carol 19:13

I was coming out of community focus a few weeks ago, and there was a car with a few other uh people with special needs, and as I was coming out, um the the lady who stood at the front uh knit with the door, she's like is anyone coming with you? Like, is there anyone else coming with you? And I told her, No, I'm independent. And then from that, um because um she must have thought that everyone people who have special needs would have caras with them, but for me I didn't really I don't have carers when I do independent travelling. So yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:56

That's then what would you say to her to educate her?

Carol 20:02

Um I would tell her that not everyone who have special needs need carers because some people are independent and people can uh some people are independent when independent when traveling and some people's special needs are not severe like other people's special needs, so yeah.

Phillip R 20:23

I at the back of my mind I'll say I'll say I think to myself, one day you might be to say with yourself. You know? They don't understand.

Jonathan 20:35

Well, educating people on this whole subject is not an easy task. I mean, it's gonna mean a lot of people would have to face some things about themselves that they might not be aware of and they might not even want to think about. It might make them realise that they aren't as nice as they think they are. They think they m have this idea of themselves, this image of themselves, and they might think that it's perfectly nice until we start to tell them that they'll have patronizing qualities about them, desires to ignore or just even just partially ignore people with difficulties and show them that that's just simply not a nice thing.

SPEAKER_13 21:32

If I see that receptionist again, I would say I would say don't be so pantry nicely to me 'cause I feel like an pee on the floor or an object on itself and you can't pick me up anymore. Um and I would just say think about if you are in my situation, how would you feel? Um because now I just feel low and I just feel like I can't do anything now without being without a receptionist, like oh be confident in yourself, be confident in who you are, speak out for yourself, don't let your mum um speak for you, be confident in everything you do. I would just like no I would I would basically say think about what you are saying before you say it.

SPEAKER_10 23:03

Talking Tales is a group of creative storytelling students from community focus, sharing them monologues, poems, stories, songs, and characters.

SPEAKER_03 23:24

On today on Talkin' Tales, we have Torah talking about Robert Cogsville, who is a talentist that makes it crazy inventions. Or does he?

SPEAKER_10 23:45

How dare you! Do you not know my name, Dr. Robert Cogsville? I have been working with science I've been inventing far longer than you have been judges. I'm humble enough to admit my beginnings were flawed. My initial inventions were flawed, yes, but I have learned from my mistakes and have only improved my work and standards. My inventions now are as safe as can be. They are perfectly functional, and even when falling apart I have ensured they wouldn't cause harm to their users. Yet here you are accusing me of sabotaging my own works, my own lifeblood. If my inventions that I've made to adhere to old safety standards, fall into irresponsible hands, who am I to say what would have happened? Who are you to accuse me of faulty engineering when all that you've described are the result of self infliction and result of users not following my instructions? So how dare you threaten me with revoking a license that has allowed me to work and create inventions that have helped many? Yet an accident caused by irresponsible handling is what you take notice of enough. How dare you? How dare you!

SPEAKER_03 24:58

So, Tara. Where did he come from?

SPEAKER_10 25:02

Alright, so this character, his name is Robert Goldsville, and he is a scientist from around, I'd say, the uh Victorian era, and he uh lives in a home that also functions as a laboratory to conduct his inventions, and it's also a workshop that he sells them to. Unfortunately, uh in this plot line, he is being threatened of having his license revoked because he's seen as like a very like mad uh crazy scientist with inventions that are too unpredictable. And uh this is just him like saying like on like trying to defend himself. And you could either see this as like uh as either like, oh, this is a scientist and he's signing up or something like heck yeah, go science, or you could see him as like he is kind of like very prideful, isn't he? So there's also that sort of ambiguity to it. You don't necessarily have to be on his side or not on his side, more just like uh oh, there's something a little bit complicated here.

SPEAKER_02 25:59

Who is the inspiration for this character? Where does it come from?

SPEAKER_10 26:02

Okay, so my inspiration from it comes from just the general mad scientist archetype you see in a lot of fiction, and also um the uh the various objects and images you like kind of gave us initially. Um the one I got was of a vintage microscope, and I thought, oh, whoever owns this would probably be someone interested in science science, and if they're and if it's a vintage, maybe it's like uh either it's someone interested in vintage or someone like from the time. And I thought from the time was a bit more interesting, so and uh then I uh meshed up some stuff and boom, there you go.

SPEAKER_14 26:40

What kind of inventions has he made before?

SPEAKER_10 26:42

Well well, I think definitely one of them on microscopes, but I think uh maybe on like uh some unique types of machinery that's meant to help in factories. Um perhaps some contraptions that's uh also meant to help in daily lives.

SPEAKER_02 26:56

Do you what do you think the court result was?

SPEAKER_10 27:00

Uh he gets his license revoked. Oh no. No worries, he learns from this, he learns from this and becomes uh much more better and much more responsible.

SPEAKER_03 27:16

Gila, what do you think of Dr. Cogsville?

SPEAKER_13 27:19

I think it was very interesting. I want as uh what Arthur say, I want to know more, but I laugh for any bit.

Jonathan 27:28

I thought it was very good, it was very well performed, and it has clearly quite a bit of thought put into it, and it shows signs of some proper talent.

SPEAKER_09 27:41

It's very good, yes.

Carol 27:42

I thought it was really good. I enjoyed the acting. Uh, like the other said, I want to hear more of it. I feel like it could be like made into a movie.

SPEAKER_03 27:54

Final thought. Thought of the day. Life.

unknown 28:02

Happy.

Jonathan 28:03

Don't try too hard and just let things flow naturally.

SPEAKER_09 28:07

Enjoy your life, yes. Enjoy your life, yeah. Yeah, that's a good one. That's really cool. Definitely, yeah.

SPEAKER_14 28:22

Community focused. Community focused.

SPEAKER_07 28:26

We're here for you with me and you on the hour for you at five o'clock.

SPEAKER_02 28:39

Your book done. The podcast food. A weekend with you.

SPEAKER_06 28:46

We're here for you, yeah, hooray!

SPEAKER_14 28:52

Hooray