Dating With a Disability: Confidence, Safety and Taking the First Step

In today’s episode, we’re returning to the topic of relationships and connection - from friendships and family, to dating. We discuss what makes us like someone, the things that might give us the ick, and having additional needs, the importance of independence in relationships. We also share advice for anyone who might feel nervous about dating or making new friends, especially when living with a disability.

00:00:00 - Start
00:01:14 - Intro
00:01:44 - The Good News
00:02:43 - The Good News: Laurent's Royal Academy Summer Show Journey
00:05:42 - Discussion: Putting Yourself Out There: Dating & Disability part 1
00:10:01 - Pavement Guest by Alistair Scriven
00:14:27 - Discussion: Putting Yourself Out There: Dating & Disability part 2
00:27:11 - Final Thoughts

Project Managers: Andrea Rai & Phil Powell.

Editor: Phil Powell

Huge thanks to the National Lottery Reaching Communities Fund for supporting our Dis-labled podcast. Learn more about their amazing work: https://www.tnlcommunityfund.org.uk

All enquiries: podcast@communityfocus.co.uk
Website: https://www.communityfocus.co.uk/

Theme Music: Rastko Rasic & the students of Community FocusOther Music: Jazzy Frenchy by ⁠⁠⁠Benjamin Tissot

Transcript

Start

Speaker 8 0:05

Community Focus. Community Focus. We're here for you.

Speaker 9 0:12

Our point of view. At Friary Park. Yes, North London.

Speaker 3 0:22

A week in review. We're here for you. Yay! Hooray! Hooray!

unknown 0:32

Hooray! Hooray!

Gila 0:39

Community Focus is an art centre for children and adults with disabilities. We are based in Faber Bunage, North London, and offers selection of creative and well-being activities for all ages.

Speaker 8 1:03

Carol Jonathan Amir and Havva.

Intro

Carol 1:14

In today's episode, we're returning to the topic of relationships and connection. From friendships and family to dating. We discuss what makes us like someone and the things that might give us the ick. And having an additional need, the importance of independence in relationships. We also share advice for anyone who might feel nervous about dating or making new friends, especially when living with a disability.

The Good News

Gila 1:54

I've got some good news. So on for CJ's website, I am making honeycomb. Like for both, do you know what I'm going to do? She's like honeycomb. I'm like, yeah. So if you want to see the video, it's on CJ's bakery Instagram profile. It's just a short clip, but it's very, very good. So I think that's my goodness.

The Good News: Laurent's Royal Academy Summer Show Journey

Andrea 2:44

So we've got some good news, haven't we, Phil?

Phil P 2:47

We have got some good news.

Havva 2:51

What about? Tell me more?

Phil P 2:54

Do you know Laurent who does um he's a f one of our fine artists? Well he is you might recognise him because he did some um buses for the exhibition. He did a whole wall of buses. Did you see them in the exhibition?

Havva 3:12

How do you see it now?

Phil P 3:14

Well his one of his buses has been selected to um perhaps be in the Royal Academy summer show, which is massive. It means that tens of thousands of people are gonna see it. And he's got through round after round after round, and we found out this week they want him to bring his artwork into the Royal Academy to uh for final judging, and if he gets through, it'll be a really big deal because he'll be able to sell that piece of artwork, and he's got a quite a large price tag on it, and um, like I said, tens of thousands of people are gonna see it, and we might have to do a podcast about him if it gets through, because it'll be up in the Royal Academy all summer.

Gila 4:05

Wow, that's amazing. And how many people entered? How many people did he compete again for?

Phil P 4:11

Oh, that's a good question. Um every year, 16,500 to 18,000 submissions.

unknown 4:21

Oh god.

Phil P 4:22

And only out of those 18,000, only 4,000 are shortlisted. And typically there's only about um 1,800 entries. So he's gone from 18,000 down to the last 4,000 shortlisted. So that is a massive achievement for Laurel. And like I said, if he um gets in, I think we've got to have him on as a star guest. Definitely, definitely, and follow his journey because he'll be in the catalogue, Royal Academy catalogue, and he'll have to go along to a thing they call varnishing day, where in the olden days, when in Victorian times, when people used to submit paintings to the RA summer show, the very last thing they do is varnish the paintings on the last day, and then they all go down to the local church to uh have a celebration. So he'll be doing all of that so he can tell us all about it.

Gila 5:27

And also he'll represent community focus.

Phil P 5:29

Yeah, he'll be representing community focus. Let's give him a big cheer.

Discussion: Putting Yourself Out There: Dating & Disability part 1

Carol 5:42

What advice would you give to someone with a disability who feels nervous about dating or making new friends?

Gila 5:53

I would probably say um just go for like to see what they are like and I would probably just be with them um just in case they need some support um because I love giving love giving people support. Um and I would just be there in case they need a card or whatever they need, I'm there.

Carol 6:33

What you said is quite inspirational, like just like advice can just like lift someone up and tell them that they can do it. What advice would you give to someone with a disability who feels nervous about dating or making new friends?

Phillip R 6:52

I would say if you don't try, you don't know. You know, you got you got people think because we've got a disability, we don't have feelings, but we do. It doesn't matter if you're if you're disabled or not, you just we all got feelings. It it ne it never stopped me at all, you know. Because I like being with people. I'm PP I'm a a people person, you know? It never stood in my way, no way, no way. Go for it.

Carol 7:20

So, um, Phil, how do you have like the confidence to actually like date?

Phillip R 7:26

You just uh it first first thing time you meet them, ask them questions to see what what interest they're into it, you know. You start talking and you you know you carry on until things happened. Things happen, yeah.

Carol 7:45

Oh we're not we're not going down. Um what can I just say something to you?

Phillip R 7:55

If you don't try it, you don't know.

Carol 7:58

True. Amir, have you dated anyone before?

Amir 8:03

No, no. I have no girlfriend.

Carol 8:08

Um Do you think in the future you would want to get into a relationship with someone?

Amir 8:13

I am thinking about it, yes.

Carol 8:16

Havva . Um how many how many guys have you dated?

Havva 8:28

How many guys? Maybe four. Maybe four I didn't take 'em now. Because not gonna work out, you know, this and that, I'm I'm single. I never had a boyfriend before, never in my life. That's what I'm afraid of.

Carol 8:46

What advice would you give to someone with a disability who feels nervous about dating or making new friends?

Jonathan 8:56

Don't let your fears get the best of you and try not to allow yourself to feel paranoid about your own flaws because everybody's got flaws. You know, it's all a part of being human. Yeah.

Carol 9:17

Now, if you met them in real life I mean if you met them, would you say would you actually say that to them?

Jonathan 9:27

Yes, I would.

Carol 9:30

Good to know.

Jonathan 9:31

Thank you.

Alistair 9:57

If it's to do with pleasing requirements, it can be verified

Pavement Guest by Alistair Scriven

Alistair 10:01

by nonchalant activity of almost importance. If it wasn't casual, it would be an utmost priority, non-commendably so. To be mild important, who's to say how casual it should be? I was born in Manchester by my mother, luckily I wasn't a doctor since it would have been more commendable to have settled into their outfit. Chromosomes would be debated of course. Having desirable qualities may work against the hormone deficiency of the parents and vice versa. Having both equally supportive may do wonders for the genes involved. When I was nine, my sister and I started to collect budges. Jimmy was the first, Spike was the second, thus followed course. When I was ten, I used to make feet out of toilet roll. Subsequently, my family were banned from a Scantagon hotel in Devon. At the same age I used to go through every news agent we passed in the car to buy Dracula Lives and Pens of the Apes comics. When I was twelve I used to record the golden hours on the radio. When I was fourteen, I used to imagine a metal spiral staircase going up to the clouds from the garden. Maybe it was an escape from reality if only it was true. When I was 16, I imagined a high jump. If it was three foot high, it would qualify as two O levels. 3 foot 6 would be 60 levels, and so on. A levels would start at 4 foot. When I was 18 after leaving school, I worked for Squibbins Opticians as a helper out. I then went to Barnett College to do a BTEC course, which I fell flat on my face. I then went for interviews for one and a half years before getting a job at the stationers. I was being there for eight months. I resigned to go for more interviews for the rest of the year. I enjoyed going for them as it was a good experience. I then worked back at Scriven's, doing VG work for 16 months. I then did courses at the Polytechnic and City Lit. After being in the hospital later, I then went to Felix Brown Day Hospital, where I did woodwork and art. Afterwards I had a breakdown and tried to do math cell level, which I failed twice. To put a long story short, I was re-admitted to Felix Brown for treatment. I made a name for myself because of my anxiety and relief. I was readmitted again later after being in hospital, and subsequently the following year I then went to the Bethlehem War Hospital for three and a half years, then into a residential home afterwards. It was here I went to college to do art courses. At community focus, I did photography and art plus radio drama, which was finance in part. Also did a marketing course on how to sell my cushions are made. I also attended art stables to do art, which I still do today. It was in 2013 I attended Jewish Care Amelia House to work in the post room, while I did franking posts. I left this job in 2018. I subsequently worked in the local library at reception until COVID started. I also worked in Charlie Shop looking after the clothing and goods. This is also before COVID. I've been in several exhibitions at the Cossa Trust, one in 2015, 2021, and 2022 respectively, where I received uh three platinum awards, one from the exhibition, of course. I have visited plenty of art exhibitions in London over the last 12 years for my inspiration. But it's describen at the end. I wrote this, I wrote I wrote this because um um I wanted to give an autobiography of um my life from when I was a child till I'm growing up presently, so goodbye.

Discussion: Putting Yourself Out There: Dating & Disability part 2

Carol 14:28

Phill, what's your ideal day?

Phillip R 14:31

Like going to a restaurant with with nice music and go out for lovely meal and i either i I pay for it, I pay for the meal, you know, because I'm a gentleman. And we start talking.

Carol 14:46

Can I say mine? Mine would probably be um uh a picnic at the on the beach, enjoying ice cream and having food, and we paint each other. Or it would eas either be like an amusement park, like a fun fair, and we would have a lot of fun.

Jonathan 15:07

I have a query. We would paint each other. You mean you would you'd at the same time, like one would paint the other painting the other?

Carol 15:17

No, no, no. It would be like it would be at the same time.

Jonathan 15:20

Yeah, so yeah, no, like no good, good to know.

Carol 15:24

Like you would you would have a normal conversation, but then you would like like paint like paint along that conversation. So it wouldn't be entirely at the same time, but like when it happens.

Jonathan 15:39

Okay. Okay, good. Thank you.

Carol 15:41

Why did you ask?

Jonathan 15:43

I think I just needed clarification. I was um I was I had an interesting metal image in my head.

Carol 15:52

I don't know if you can use that. So what's the question? Yeah, what are we doing now? Jonathan, where do you start with dating?

Jonathan 16:10

If one were to start with a dating site, it would I think it would heavily depend on how you're able to sell yourself on the site. Because if you're not very good at selling yourself in terms of what would basically be creating like a social CV, you know, if you're not super good at that, you might not have the best luck, so you might want to try something different. Like I mean my meeting people in real life, you know, like the old-fashioned way, you know, that's still a pretty good way to go about it from what I've heard.

Carol 16:55

You were talking about like meeting people in real life. I feel like when you date people when you date people online, you don't know who they are. They could be like catfishing you and stuff. But like if you but if you meet them in in in real life but if you meet them like in real life, like you get to know them through friends or through like an activity that you did, I think it's better because they're not catfishing, it's they're just showing their natural self. So what do you think?

Jonathan 17:26

I agree with that, yes. It's um yeah, getting to know somebody in real life, in my humble opinion, is um a lot better than having things be online. Mainly because while the catfishing thing is definitely a thing to watch out for, when you've got this sort of barrier in between you and the person you are messaging, it creates a disconnect from the actual reality that you're gonna have to face sooner or later because you've gotta meet with them in person at some point.

Carol 18:14

Also, like uh you like you don't know how that person is behind a screen. Like they they could pretend with their personality to be nice and like non-toxic, but like when you actually meet them, they can just be a complete can I say jerk? They can be like a complete jerk towards you and just like be really toxic.

Jonathan 18:45

Uh yes, I mean I just I just nodded. Listeners, I just nodded. What does catfishing mean?

Carol 18:55

Meow I I think I have some clear view on what it means, but I think I'll let Jonathan explain the rest. But but but but I think I think catfishing is like when someone uses someone else's profile and they pretend to be that person, but then when the truth is like actually revealed, they look completely different. So basically they're impersonating or stealing that person's identity. Um yeah, uh Jonathan.

Jonathan 19:28

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Gila 19:31

Gila, where would you start with dating? Um thank you for that question, Carol. I don't think I'm ready to think about that quite yet. Um just because a lot going on and I just can't think about that question yet. Um but I if I do find someone then I would think about it, but not until the time is right.

Jonathan 20:34

They will lock their features, or at least the vast majority of them, behind a paywall. And a lot of people with difficulties they can be quite susceptible to the tactics that are used to get money out of people in order to get their higher tiers and extra features and all of that. So that is definitely something to watch out for. As as well as fake profiles used by scammers and things like that. You know, you might have to observe the pictures carefully to see if there's any sort of alterations, you know, be wary, there might be stock images, you know, and all that for other people, you know, the catfishing thing was mentioned earlier, you know. It's all a part of the same sort of safety concerns that you've got to be aware of. And anything that seems too good to be true, you might want to assume that it probably is. You know, if if it's someone who looks like, you know, some some perfect supermodel who likes everything you like, and you know everything seems too perfect, you might Might want to be very, very careful, especially if they start bringing up money. Because if they start bringing up money, especially early on, I'd say get out of there, you know. What are the pros and cons about mentioning your disability when using a dating site?

Carol 22:28

Mentioning your uh disabilit your your your disability or your special needs to someone might throw them off and it might make it a bit complicated where they think I don't like someone who doesn't have like a special needs might think, oh um I don't know how to deal with them, it might be hard and stuff, so maybe I don't want to date them, they might look like a freak or something like that. Because like a lot of people like uh there's a lot of judgmental people that will judge, and I think like people with additional needs who who are sometimes ashamed of um their special needs, so that's why they hide it in a way, so to look normal for like when they want to date.

Jonathan 23:19

I would say that it is better to be upfront about it because you can unintentionally come across as deceptive if you don't, and uh people don't really like suddenly finding out something about someone which would mean they will come with some additional baggage to them. You know, if they don't mention that they are unable to walk and after an extended period of time with them on the site, whatever it whatever site it may be, you know, you might have plans with them that might involve a lot of travel and you get in a certain mindset of it being a certain way, then suddenly it's revealed that those plans would have to be uh very different to what you originally thought, and that sudden change can be very off-putting to some people, and it's best if they just knew as much as they could right away so that they know what they're getting into.

Gila 24:28

I would say it's possibly really good to be up front because then it clears for air about if they have a disability. Um most of the time I'm really up front with people. Like I tell them that I have a disability and learning difficulties and then may need help um so that they are where and I can get the help and support I need. So I feel like you should just tell them on your on the website or you should just tell them um where you meet them just to clear the air. Is it important to have your own independence when trying to have a relationship?

Phillip R 25:50

I think so because I mean I'm in the position when because I I'm in g I'm in a partnership at the moment with my partner Karen and we haven't got a place at the moment because I live in Whetstone and she lives in Whitfinch, New But in Hendon, you see. And we see each other three times a day, three times a week. Um but whenever I go home go home to my family my flat, she wants to come with me, yeah. What do you think about independence, Kel?

Carol 26:23

I think it's important to have your independence when in a relationship because it m it will give you like confidence in improving your skills, but also like you gotta like split it, like have like some time with your partner, but also healthily like uh no, give it time, have have some time with your partner in a healthy way, and have your own independ independent time by yourself in a healthy way. So you just gotta be health healthy with splitting it in yeah, in two different parts.

Final Thoughts

Phillip R 27:12

Final thoughts on relationships.

Carol 27:19

Um be careful who you trust because salt and sugar look the same.

Gila 27:24

Try and be sensible online and on dating sites and don't think that all the people that you meet on for dated sites is good p people.

Jonathan 27:46

It's not easy, you know. Don't expect perfection from the person you're with, and hopefully they won't expect perfection from you.

Phillip R 27:56

Yeah, my me and my partner Karen. We got engaged last year, and she we wanted to get married sometime next year or or the year after. And we just love each other. The way she smiles at me, you know, it's it's just just very special, you know. It's worth it if you if you find the right person.

Speaker 3 28:20

Goodbye!

Speaker 8 28:27

Community focus, community focus. We're here for you.

Speaker 9 28:33

I want a view at five o'clock, you're booked London.

Speaker 3 28:44

A week in with you. We're here for you, yeah. Hooray Hooray Hooray Hooray