30 as Fuck
30 as F*ck is a podcast made by women for women. Turning 30 has been for me a a quarter and a bit life crisis, I looked back and I thought " what the heck" should't I supposed to have a house, a family, a husband, a career, savings and know what I'm doing?
I will share with you lessons I learned, fear and doubts and we will get through this journey together, head high and proud because where we are and who we are is exactly who we are supposed to be. And let't be honest, we are way hotter that we were in our 20s.
30 as Fuck
30 as Fuck - The Guilt Paradox
Why do we feel wrong when doing something right? The answer lies in a complex web of feelings that begins in childhood and extends through our cultural programming. From people-pleasing tendencies born of chaotic environments to the fear of rejection that triggers our brain, these guilt responses serve as false alarms rather than accurate indicators of wrongdoing. Let's get into this to change old patterns and save us some mind trouble.
Produced and Host by Vanessa Rossi
Lyrics by Vanessa Rossi and Alice Risolino
Voice by Alice Risolino
Music by Marco Risolino
Hi everyone, I'm Vanessa. Welcome to another episode of 30 as fuck. If I only could have started from the end.
Speaker 2:Now I have a house full of kids and even a big land. Who knew I'd have only made mistakes that would have been fixed with a slice of cheesecake. Demo Salvatore was my 18th dream, but now the only one I be with is Shanda Bing. Yeah, here I am talking to you, since I'm 30 as fuck hello everyone, welcome back.
Speaker 1:Another week, another episode, and I'm so happy, happy you're still here. So let's go. Let's go because, oh gosh, I have so many things that I want to share with you. I hope I'm going to be able to keep it short, but this is very important and I work on this a little bit because I needed to figure it out, and what we're going to talk about today is that type of feeling that we have of feeling guilt or wrong when we stand up for ourselves. We have of feeling guilt or wrong when we stand up for ourselves. So let's go backwards a little bit and I'll tell you how I ended up like to want to talk about this, because you know that I use also this podcast as a little bit of a therapy session and sometimes also to understand myself a little bit more. So what I'm about to tell you it's a small experience that happened to me.
Speaker 1:So I've been talking with two guys nothing crazy. I met only one of them, but just shortly and they are. Both of them postponed the first date, both of them postponed the first um date, and although I'm very patient uh, now, I wasn't in the beginning, but, um, I try to be as patient as I can and, you know, give people the benefit of the doubt. Now, I also don't like to waste my time. I don't like people to waste my time and also I don't like people to think that I am available anytime they want, because I know my worth, I know how awesome I am and how much fun they could have with me. So I'm like you know what, like, if you're interested, put the effort. That's what I'm looking for. It doesn't matter the type of relationship. It's in every area of my life, um so, friendship, uh, relationship. It could be like a boyfriend, like a partner, or even just like some hookups, like it doesn't matter. Or even, um, work related. It doesn't matter the type of relationship. I have some rules and I'm gonna stand by them, because I'm not, I don't want to please people by just by the sake of it, like it has to be kind of like a give and take. So, of course, I'm gonna give my 100% and I'm going to give my 100% and I'm going to be the best friend that I can be, the best partner that I can be and work on myself and show up. But I'm not going to do it without receiving anything in exchange, and I know that it might sound like rude somehow, but why? Why, it's rude to actually just get, get what you deserve doesn't make sense.
Speaker 1:So what happened is that that I texted them, uh, certain things, and I was like I basically just texted them like what you told me and what sorry, I told you right now? And I was like, uh, you know what? Like I understand that maybe you might be busy, but I just want you to know that I stand on this. I don't want to waste my time. I feel that if you're really interested in me, you will find the time, and so I just wanted to let you know that this is me. So let me know where you stand, because otherwise I'm going to just move on.
Speaker 1:Sadly, there's nothing wrong with it. I'm literally just telling them where I stand and what my boundaries are, and sadly, I feel guilty, I feel wrong, I feel like I spoke too much. I feel like, oh my gosh, maybe it came out too annoying. Oh my gosh, maybe it was too much in general. And I'm like, and then it started to give me anxiety and I was like, why, why do I feel like this? Like why showing people, telling people very kindly and very easy, that I have boundaries and that I know what I'm looking for and I know how I want to be treated, and no matter the type of relationship I'm having with them, why this feels so wrong. So I did some research and this is what I came up with. So there might be different reasons. So let's see if you can see yourself in any of those.
Speaker 1:I can see myself in multiple, as always um, but it's nice to just give it like a look, an idea, because sometimes at least for me, for my brain, when I know why I act in a certain way and what it could like, what it's coming from, it's easier for me to actually catch myself doing it and avoid to feel certain way like I was feeling anxious. And as soon as I actually check online and I was like, you know, let me figure it out, why am I feel this way? I read some articles and this and that and I was like, okay, I'd like suddenly I started to feel less anxious and feel good. So one of the condition that could be you sorry, I can't speak English in those few days can take you to feel this way, feel guilty or wrong. It's the classic and the most common people pleasing condition.
Speaker 1:Many of us were raised to prioritize harmony and avoid conflict, especially women, um. Many of us were raised to prioritize harmony and avoid conflict, especially women, um. So it is normal to feel that you want to please, you want to make everyone happy, you want to not create conflict. Um, for me personally, I think it is also because of the way I was raised and kind of like a trauma response, like I grew up in a very chaotic and dramatic and toxic environment and so for me it's like I don't want to create any more conflict, I don't want to do this, I don't want to do that, and for so many years I used that, thinking that I was actually acting good, actually acting good. But then I was becoming passive-aggressive. Because if you don't tell people what you're sent for, if you don't tell people how you feel, they're never gonna know, there's no way that they're gonna be able to read you fully, not even someone that knows you for years. So you can't avoid conflict. Like the only way to avoid actually conflict is to actually tell people what you're thinking. So it's like the phone response of trauma response. It makes us seek safety by appeasing others.
Speaker 1:Then say no or setting a boundary can feel like a betrayal of this survival strategy. So if we are, we have the tendency to be people pleasing. The moment that you say no, that you put a boundary, you feel kind of that it's something weird for you, that it's something wrong when there's nothing wrong with it. We talked about boundaries also, but it is weird that even when you have all the boundaries, then you want to stand for them and you are standing from for them, but then, at the same time, you feel guilty in doing it because we spend so much time not having them and so much time maybe we're being raised in a certain way or grew up in a certain environment and so, subconsciously it's always like, I don't know, it's always it feels wrong, like you have to train your brain. It's gonna take a while to be able to actually be like I'm not feeling guilty about this.
Speaker 1:Um, the second reason why we might feel wrong or like guilty about, um, using boundaries or telling people what we feel it is a fear of rejection and abandonment. Um, so, as human beings, we are made to be with people. We are social people, okay, um, although I really love time with myself, but it's nobody. It's actually made to live in the middle of nothing with no one around. It is actually like difficult to do something like that. We are made to socialize, to have relationship, to share moments with people, and so, on a deep level, we're wired to stay connected to our tribe. Uh, so asserting ourselves can feel risky, sometimes like we'll be excluded, disliked or rejected. So sometimes, maybe, if I share even my political vision, if I share, like, my values.
Speaker 1:Sometimes somebody else can have different values, and so I might feel rejected or like left behind, or I might risk to be rejected and left behind because I think differently from other people, and so it is kind of like a difficult balance that you have to keep because you know, we are, as I said, social people, so we want to be around people and have relationship and stuff like that, but at the same time you have, you have to remember that you need to have a relationship also with yourself, and also the quality of those relationships, um, and so it is okay to lose some people and take more time to gain certain type of relationships. It could be anything Friendship, partnership, workplace. You know, sometimes we have the tendency to even, like at work, accept certain things because you know you need the money you need to pay rent and this things, because you know you need the money, you need to pay rent and this. When we put aside actually our values and what we stand for and what we deserve and it is a complicated you always have to find a certain balance, um. So basically, this fear of being rejected triggers, uh, discomfort, uh, even if the boundaries are reasonable, even if you're not asking anything like weird or crazy about yourself.
Speaker 1:You know, for me I was just asking that my time, that it's pressure to me precious, not pressure, that it's precious to me the time that you know I have so many things to do, everybody's busy, so I am giving you some of my time, I'm reserving it for you, and the moment you change your mind last minute that pissed me off because I feel it's disrespectful a little bit, and I understand. Sometimes it can just happen, like you know. Work comes up Absolutely, I understand, can just happen, like you know. Work comes up absolutely, I understand, or I don't know something you know tragical, big, comes up like family member feeling bad, or maybe you feel bad, you get sick, of course, like we're not here to be super strict about anything, but it's about like a basic respect. So, um, it's weird how this, that it's like a basically literally basic respect, feels like weird to ask for or to tell the people, hey, like this is what I stand for. Um, then enter.
Speaker 1:So also, let's say that there are a little bit of like gender norms and social expectations. This is for women in particular. At least I feel this. Many women are socialized to be accommodating, agreeable and nice. So we are supposed to be always the mother figure, always accommodating other people figure, always accommodating other people. And let's be honest, we also spent so many centuries, so so many centuries, um, in patriarchy and to being um on a second level, respect men.
Speaker 1:And so the moment that we started actually to put some boundaries socially speaking, like culturally speaking, when you know, feminism like actually started, we were annoying, we were complaining, we were, you know, disturbing the quiet and the regular life, and it was like it's always been like that. Nobody never like complained, no people complained's always been like that. Nobody never like complained, no people complained. It's just that we never got together, we never actually found our power, and so that it's still kind of subconsciously, um, like I can still feel it in myself sometimes, even when I stand up for women's rights, when I said certain things, I still have responses where certain people are like, well, you're being so dramatic, or it's not actually like that, or oh my gosh, why you're asking for so many things, or the usual feminism thing that they said well, you want a feminism, so now don't complain if men they don't act in a certain way anymore.
Speaker 1:It's like feminism and the right, like equal rights has nothing to do with be you being a man like. It's not like literally. It's a two different universe About you being respectful, about you being still charming, about you still being the guy that wears pants in the house, that has the masculine energy, and this, and that that has nothing to do with it, absolutely. It's just about having the same rights to do things, and it's also for you too, like for the men too, because I am one of those women that I want my husband to be able to have paternity and stay home for like three, up to six months to enjoy life with a babe, with his baby, with his like son or daughter, because I don't think it's fair that dad has not the chance to actually create that bond with their kids, as they're like born and they have to go to work right away. I don't like it. Like.
Speaker 1:I feel that it's very, very, um, um. What's the word that I'm looking for? It's very, um, unfair, so, um, I want to say yeah, so I wrote down asserting yourself can feel like you're being rude, selfish or too much. That's what I just said, even when you're just being honest, and that's about, like what I uh just told you about childhood conditioning. If you grew up in a home where emotions, needs and or boundaries weren't respected, you may have learned that speaking up it's equal to conflict, punishment and shame. Uh, your nervous system may interpret I can't talk. May like, your nervous system may read healthy self-advocacy as unsafe. I write down like a very complicated words and then again I'll read them. I'm like when I said what are you doing to yourself anyway? Um, it's like, uh, something that I see myself a lot into it.
Speaker 1:Um, there were, there was not boundaries in my family. There was no boundaries at all at the boundaries, um, emotion and needs were like a second on a second level. Let's say that again. I spoke about this. I talked about this. I, I am not angry with my parents. They did what they were supposed to do, the best they could with the tools that they did, what they were supposed to do the best that they could with the tools that they had at that time. But I know that their behaviors and the fact that they never worked on themselves took away so many things for me and also create this subconsciously, this idea that having boundaries, that communication that be able to express my need to be able to speak up for myself was wrong, that it was wrong or was not not even wrong. I think it like I always felt that my needs were like on a second level, because I need the first to make everybody else happy, and so we go back to actually people pleasing.
Speaker 1:Um then, uh, conflict aversions okay, some personalities are naturally more sensitive to tension or confrontation, like me. Um, the discomfort of potential pushback can lead to guilt, even if no one reacts, uh, negatively, uh, to it. Um, and that's actually it's connected to empathy a little bit, because if you're highly empathic, empathetic, sorry, you might feel guilty for how somebody else feels and that maybe you can feel that you did something wrong. Um, those two I I think they go like um, step by step, like um, they go kind of together because I, I personally I am very like sensitive about other people feeling. I can actually feel the energy of other people feeling. So sometimes I need to remind myself that whatever I'm feeling that moment, I have to kind of check. I'm like, um, okay, one second I feel anxious, I feel angry, I feel like I don't know, is it me? Is it me, am I feeling this way? It is somebody else? Because I'm not. And then when I kind of catch myself, I'm like, okay, it's not me, it's somebody else, I'm just feeling those like these other person feelings. Um, and also, I spent my entire life being very sensitive and, as I said, kind of people pleasing or like everybody needed to be happy, because if everybody was happy, then I was happy.
Speaker 1:So it was so interconnected, like my happiness was coming from other people's happiness. And it wasn't because I received so many responsibilities when I was a kid and I was not supposed to Like so many. I had to deal with so many things that were not supposed to be on my shoulders, also because I didn't have the tools to deal with them, and so I did the best I could and then my best I could. It was like okay, I'm going to make everybody happy, I'm going to act the way they want, I am going to act in a certain way. We're sent to people. I'm going to keep secrets so nobody will know certain things and everybody will be happy.
Speaker 1:And now, every time that I actually stand up for myself, even with my family a little bit, every time that I actually stand up for myself, even with my family a little bit, it's kind of difficult because it's a pattern that I had to break and it was very complicated to break, very, very complicated. And I also need to remind myself that I needed to speak up when I feel that I have to and not wait for too long, because sometimes then I tend to become slightly passive, aggressive, still, still a little bit sometimes, just sometimes, and I do tend to be more angry at the end because I was supposed to speak up and tell people before. So now I'm trying to make peace with the fact that I might feel slightly guilty or whatever, but I prefer to do it right away and be honest with someone, then wait and be actually very bad and passive-aggressive also, because then I sound like crazy when I'm not. I'm just standing up for what I believe in and it's the way you do it that makes it kind of different, you know, when you stand up for yourself right away and you're very calm and you're be like, hey, very chill over here. I just wanted to let you know this about me because I think it's important, instead of demanding them to figure it out and wait a couple weeks and then be like you know what Fuck? You Like you just like ruined everything and they're like what the fuck is going on Because they don't know you. Okay, so it is important to do it, and this is actually what it takes me to lack of practice and or role model, what it takes me to lack of practice and or role role model. Um, if you've never seen people model healthy boundary setting. It's hard to feel confident to doing it yourself. So this is something that I missed.
Speaker 1:As I told you, like boundaries in my family never existed, um, and so I never saw anyone actually come to me, speak to me like that, and until probably a couple years ago, uh, I, when somebody actually came to me and very nicely, like told me something and I was like, oh, my gosh, I feel so, like, and I started to feel so bad and so anxious about it. And then I spoke with my therapist and she's like why are you feeling anxious about it? Like there's nothing wrong with you. They were just not letting you know what they feel so you can know them better. Like they gave you a tool. They didn't accuse you to anything, they just gave you a tool to know them better and they told you their limits and their boundaries so you can work around them and you know, act accordingly to those boundaries. And she was like you should do the same, like there's nothing wrong about it.
Speaker 1:Okay, but if you never saw it, it's difficult to be like, oh, like, it's difficult to recognize it. It might sound sometimes, if somebody gives you, tells you their boundaries, it can feel the beginning that maybe they're pushing you a little bit, or they're telling you that you did something wrong, or they're telling you that you're a bad person. No, no, no, they're not trying to do this. They're trying just to show you who they are so you can know them better, and you should do the same. You should be like hey, I totally understand. I'm sorry if this made you feel uncomfortable, like I do feel this way about this. That's it, it's communication. I know it's hard. Sometimes I'm like wow, is this what it's supposed to be like? Is this communication? It's supposed to be like just talking and accepting people and be like, oh, cool, okay, you are this type of person, nice to meet you, like it is what it is.
Speaker 1:But it's so difficult to actually just let go of anxiety and feeling guilty, and I totally understand, um, especially because things are never like black and white. If you're not being nice doesn't mean that you're being mean. If you are telling people that they made you feel bad or they're acting in a certain way, doesn't mean that you're being bad with them, that you're being mean. You're just standing up for yourself and the same is for them. Because they're telling you certain things, it doesn't mean that they're being mean to you. Okay, I mean, sometimes it might happen and, honestly, me personally, I prefer someone that is direct and talks to me it's difficult, it is difficult than someone that is passive and talks to me it's difficult, it is difficult. Then, someone that is passive-aggressive oh my gosh, 100 million percent Like better, someone that comes and be like, hey, you know, yesterday when you told me that I actually felt a little bit bad about it Because you know, I have some issues regarding this, and so when you said that I felt this way and I just wanted to let you know that, you know, like it's not your fault, but if you ever speak about this again, like you know, just if you can be more kind or gentle about this, because it's very sensitive for me, that's it and you, I will be. Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I, you know you felt that way, it wasn't my intention. Like, now that I know that this is very, uh, a sensitive spot for you, I will be careful about it.
Speaker 1:Um, and then the conclusion of all of this it's like the guilt, because it's all about, like, feeling guilty and as a false alarm. Guilt isn't always a sign you have done something wrong. Sometimes it's just your nervous system reacting to unfamiliar behavior. Feeling guilty is often just a sign that you're breaking an old pattern, and this is so important that you're breaking patterns. And sometimes we do really just feel guilty because it's so weird for our brain and it's something that it is not kind of considered normal for our brain, and they're like whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, dude, what you just did was weird. So let's, let's see, let's say that you feel guilty about it's like automatic, it's like oh, this is the response that we know, this is the response. Like your brain is like this is the response that it kind of makes sense because you did something weird, so I'm gonna make you feel guilty about it. There's nothing like. It's just literally retraining your brain we talked about this millions of times too like it's all about, we like retrain and and stop certain patterns and go back on a different path. Okay, so this was the last one. It was actually a lot, because it was like nine reasons why you could feel guilty or wrong for asserting yourself. And this is crazy. There's a lot of reasons 're all interconnected, of course, and you might have more than one, and maybe something that happened in your past that might have caused somebody else, like, for example, people pleasing. It's like a result of something else. Uh, so what I can suggest you, it's always well, first of all, go to therapy and second of all, while you're in therapy, uh, uh, try to figure it out where, where everything started. It's all about like, for me at least, uh, go back in time and be like, oh okay, so this happened when I was a kid, and this was kind of the situation where I grew up, so this made me like a people pleaser and this got me to this other condition, and so this got me to like a boundary and now boundaries. And now I understand why it was so difficult to build boundaries for myself, because for 30 years, I never have them. Nobody taught me how to um, and so I understand why when I show up for myself, it's literally show up for myself. I feel guilty. Now let's think about all the time that maybe we show up for somebody else. Have you ever uh realized that I don't know, maybe, like your friend, get insulted or they say something about them, or even about, like, um, I don't know, people in general, minorities or something, and you like it's what they're saying, it's against your values and you just feel the fire in your stomach. You just just go for it and you're like no, no, no, no, no. What you're saying is totally wrong, this is totally wrong. You should apologize. And you don't feel guilty at all. Have you ever felt that way? So it's weird sometimes how we're able to do that for other people and stand by their side and be be like I'm protecting you, like you literally, like you know, sometimes there's also you do the action to take them and put them behind and be like I'm protecting you, because this is bullshit and what they're saying like it's totally wrong and I'm gonna stand up for you. But then, when you have to do it for yourself, suddenly you feel guilty and that's something that I'm gonna leave you with to think about it. I think that's the call to action. It's like, think about it all the time that maybe you stand up for a friend, for a family member or an animal like, or whatever, and how many times you stand you didn't stand up for yourself because you felt guilty or because you put somebody else's feelings in front of yours, and I'm going to leave you with that. I think it's a lot to think about. So I don't think there's anything else to add. Okay, it's been actually a pretty long episode, 29 minutes more or less. I'm sorry if it was kind of slow, but it's a rainy day, it's a slow day and I needed to actually find the words to explain myself a little bit more today. But anyway, thank you so much. Thank you so much for listening to be here. I hope I'm always going to get better and better and share with you so many things. If this made you feel in a certain way, or as always, please let me know. It makes me so happy. Um, also, uh, remember to follow the page, uh, vanessa d rossi, and to follow also this is my personal page and to follow also, um, 30 years back podcast page on instagram. Share this video, share this podcast on social media and tag me and thank you so much for listening again and see you next time.
Speaker 2:Ciao, ciao yeah, here I am talking to you, since I'm 30 as fuck.