Sometimes You Are The Problem

It’s easy to talk about the ways other people have hurt us. It’s much harder to look in the mirror and ask, “What am I bringing into these relationships?”

This episode explores accountability without self-shame, unhealthy coping mechanisms, trauma responses, and the uncomfortable reality that we can be hurt by someone and still hurt people ourselves.

Your trauma may explain your behavior—but it doesn’t have to excuse it.

Healing means being willing to see yourself honestly, take responsibility, make repairs, and choose to do better.

Transcript

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SPEAKER_01 0:13

Welcome back to another Reach Your Minds podcast. I'm your host, Brianna Williams, LAPC, and I appreciate you for joining in the conversation as we continue the series Healing Is It Cute. This week we're going a little deeper, y'all. We're going a little deeper, and we're going to be encouraging a lot of self-reflection. Because listen, truth be told, sometimes we are the problem. Ouch! Listen, this is not a blame episode. Um, this is not meant to bring shame. And this episode is not to say that the things that you've gone through and experienced are your fault. However, healing requires accountability. So let's jump in. Let's jump in. Listen, they say that um, they say that hurt people hurt people, right? And they don't say that for no reason. And it makes sense, right? Because someone made me mad or someone made me upset, so I take it out on everyone, everyone else around me, right? Somebody cheated on me, and now I suspect that every relationship afterwards is going to be deceitful, right? Or friends and family did me dirty, so now I'm popping off at the first sign of conflict in relationships. But healing requires me to look at the damage within so I don't bleed on others. That's deep. Healing requires me to look at the damage within so I don't bleed on others. A lot of times when we go through things, we build survival mechanisms, right? And and those things are good, right? Avoidance and deflection. Um they all mean well, right? They all mean well, some some among others, right? They all mean well, and they're meant to protect us from harm, but in all reality, they may hurt us. They may hurt us, right? And so healing means learning new ways to respond. So the point of healing, right, is to break patterns that got you here in the first place. So if you're still operating in the same way before, guess what? You did not heal. And this is where self-reflection is important because if you can acknowledge it, then there's an opportunity to address it. And we when we address it, we can overcome it, we can grow from it, we can learn from it, right? All these different things. Accountability, it does not need a defense, it just needs honesty. And so it might look like I've offended others operating in a place of hurt, or I've made poor choices trying to numb my pain. Or my misery wanted company. We talk about healing, right? And I said this before, and I'm gonna keep saying it throughout this series. Healing can get messy, right? It's a process that causes us to transform and can be very uncomfortable. It causes us to reach places we have tried to tuck for so long. And in the process, some people catch some straight bullets, unfortunately. And I appreciate the people that have stayed through the process of my healing journey, but in all reality, they did not reserve, they did not deserve, excuse me, they did not deserve some of those hits. So accountability, it recognizes when you've been operating in survival mode. And so here is our reflection for right now, for today, for this moment, because I'm I got some more. But um the question is, do I shut down instead of communicating? Do I punish people when I'm hurt? Do I avoid difficult conversations? Do I constantly need reassurance?

SPEAKER_00 4:47

Do I keep repeating patterns I've already identified?

SPEAKER_01 4:58

Shame and accountability. We're not asking these questions to shame you and for you to say, oh, I'm a terrible person. No, but we're asking for accountability because it says that I did something that wasn't okay and I need to take responsibility. The thing about shame is that it's that it keeps you stuck while accountability gives you somewhere to go. So within healing, there are times where you may hurt someone. There may be times where you deflect your emotions and experience on the very people that love you the most. It may happen. And I'll tell you this, that's okay, right? Because we recognize that we're flawed humans. We ain't gonna get it right all the time. Or maybe you may reflect on what you've been through and notice some parts you actually played in the turmoil. Maybe you said some things in the conflict that weren't the best. And I'll tell you it happens. However, sometimes healing means apologizing without the butt. Healing means apologizing without the butt. Yes, we already know that that that wasn't your intention, right? We already know that okay, you did that because you were going through something and you couldn't help it. You did that because you were triggered. We already know that. However, get hurt doesn't excuse the hurt you inflict on another. So acknowledge the hurt inflicted and take responsibility.

SPEAKER_00 6:59

Period.

SPEAKER_01 7:04

Acknowledge the hurt inflicted and take responsibility. Apologize for what you did specifically without trying to defend your why. What does that what does that even look like? Apologizing without the why looks like I understand what I did hurt you. I take responsibility for that. I should have handled it differently. And listen, you can't control whether or not they will accept it. Right? But your responsibility is your behavior, and the response belongs to them. So last but not least, just forgive yourself. Say it with me. I forgive me. Not because what you did didn't matter, but because you can't change something or move forward while constantly beating yourself up over it. Maybe you did not know better. Maybe you knew better and still you weren't ready. Maybe you were just surviving at the time. Maybe you hurt people while you were hurting. However, you don't have to stay the same version of yourself forever. You can acknowledge it, apologize, make repairs, learn, and you can change.

SPEAKER_00 9:10

So this is what I want you to do.

SPEAKER_01 9:14

I want you to reflect, take this home with you, and I want you to journal of what is one pattern you've been blaming on your past that you're now responsible for changing. Take that question, reflect on that because you can't change something that you don't address. You can't heal for something that you ain't ready to be real with, and so that starts with sometimes saying I am the problem. Sometimes starts with being honest and being real with yourself and saying, I did make some mistakes, I did carry that hurt and put it onto other people or other relationships or other responsibilities in my life. I did drop the ball, but I'm not taking that with me into the next relationship or into the next opportunity, into the next job, into the next whatever. But I'm gonna acknowledge it. I'm gonna apologize if I need to. I'ma make repairs. I'ma learn. So I can see the change. So I can see the change. Now I know this was a tough, short conversation. Because sometimes it's it's hard to hear that, man, maybe, maybe it is me. Maybe there's some things that I need to do differently, that I need to grow from, that I need to reflect on, that I need to prepare. But the great thing is that it's being brought to light, and that means that there's opportunity, there's opportunity for you to continue to grow from it and not let it have you. So, guys, I thank you for joining in on another Reaching Minds conversation. And listen, I want you to stay connected. Follow us on Instagram at Reach It Minds, um, sign up for our email list. The link is in our IG bio, and I would love to just connect with y'all. Also, send me a message um using the link in the show notes, asking questions, even commenting on what helped you or what could have been better on this episode. Um, because that's what we're here for. Reaching minds exist to make mental health conversations more accessible. So if our podcast has helped you, educated you, or made you feel less alone, you can help us continue creating these conversations by supporting the show. So feel free to click the link in the show notes that says support the show. And thanks in advance for your support. Until next time, y'all. I'm your host, Brianna Williams.