Wiser with Rob Bialostocki
Join Rob Bialostocki, highly experienced teacher, presenter, and life coach, as he shares everyday stories, insights, and practical ideas in a chatty, conversational style.
We focus on personal evolution, navigating life's challenges and transitions, and living a life that matters to us, to others, and to the world we all live in.
No fluff or bs here —just simple, real-world advice backed by decades of experience, psychology and practical philosophy, and a light sense of humour.
Friendly, credible and useful.
Wiser with Rob Bialostocki
22 - Dogma Detox: How Fixed Mindsets Limit Your Personal Evolution
Personal growth advice often presents a single "right way" to approach life's challenges, but there are actually multiple valid paths for everything from relationships to career development to self-improvement.
Key Points
• The difference between "the way" versus "ways" of approaching life situations.
• When people claim to have found "the way" it may be due to immaturity, limited experience, or having an agenda.
• With age and wisdom comes broader understanding of multiple valid approaches.
• What works for someone else may not work for you based on personality, situation, and resources.
• Three principles for finding your path: recognize multiple options exist, consider your unique factors, and experiment with small steps.
• Ask questions with your head but listen for answers from your heart.
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Rob
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Hello and welcome to the Wiser podcast. I'm Rob Bialostocki. Great to be with you again. I really enjoy having these one-way chats, but I imagine it's more like a two-way conversation. You know, if you're at all interested in growing as a person, even in your 50s, 60s and beyond, well, a cursory glance across places where you normally find advice on life and work, like, for example, linkedin or Substack or YouTube, or in the millions of books and e-books on offer, that could leave you pretty confused on what the best approach is for any kind of endeavor. And I felt like that too, and I've come up with a few insights on how you can engage with the process of growth and personal development with better understanding, better discernment and clarity about what's right for you. And it's based on one key change that I've come to realise with much greater clarity. It's a change that brings more tolerance, more flexibility and freedom to your being, and the change is this there is a big difference between the way to do something and ways of doing something. Back in a moment.
Lily:You're listening to Wiser with Rob Bialostocki. Everyday stories, insights and ideas to help you live a life that truly matters, and grow wiser in the process. Click follow on your podcast app or click subscribe to get a weekly email with each new episode. And now back to Wiser with Rob.
Rob:Yes, there seems to be just a million voices out there suggesting that there is the way to do something you know, to meditate, or to make change in your life, or to change careers or you know any endeavour whatsoever. On the one hand, you might come across an author who might say that you're okay as you are and you don't need to improve, and then you come across somebody else who says well, it's best to be continually learning and growing. On the one hand, you're told, if you're into marketing online, that lead magnets are the way to go to attract new subscribers, and so on, but on the other hand, you're told by somebody else that lead magnets are dead. Well, are they the way to go or are they dead? Here's another example On the one hand, you're advised to double down and persevere in a marriage that really isn't working, and then others say, no, no, no, no, you should stop and you should go your own ways, because, hey, you've only got one life. And what about diets? I mean, wow, that's a field where it's just rife with all sorts of seemingly competing and contradictory advice. On the one hand, a diet high in protein is the way to go. Then apparently so eating for five days or fasting for two is the way to go, then apparently. So, eating for five days or fasting for two is the way to go instead. And with regards to work, you know you'll get all sorts of views and ideas about that. Some say, hey, you need to hustle to get ahead, become a leader, and somebody else will recommend well, no, focus on what you do best and make value your main product, and you know, if you get some sort of bonuses or career advancement opportunities, then great. So look, if you're looking for guidance in any area of life. It's a hell of a confusing arena out there, and when we look at what's happening here, we can see that.
Rob:You know each of the positions that I've just mentioned is a way of being that is recommended or even pushed right, usually because there's some sort of agenda. But notice the words a way. There's a difference. When you hear somebody say this is the way you know, it's put forward with more certainty, as if that person has, you know, tested all sorts of other options and found them wanting. But that's not usually the case and it usually there's very little scientific rigor behind recommendations. Rigor behind recommendations when somebody insists that there is the way to believe, or the way to think or to live, or these are the values we all ought to have. It somehow kind of feels pretty rigid to me, as if there's little room for flexibility or adapting to different contexts and needs and personal dispositions. That way can feel a little bit like an ideology or a dogma, you know, as if finally the real truth has been found and it's taken this long in history to come across the real answer.
Rob:What is it that causes somebody and you and I included, if we're honest to create or sort of expound a way as the way? Well, let me suggest a couple of causes. Firstly, a person doing that may be somewhat, dare I say, immature or lacking in knowledge, or enlightened even Now. I don't mean to sound judgmental or high and mighty at all, simply that they may not have fully matured yet as a person and have lots of living still to experience, and so their world, their mind, their experience might be fairly narrow or shallow, if I could say that, and you know they just have lots of growing up to do. It seems to be that, as people who are wanting to mature and grow wiser, generally speaking, tend to end up getting broader in their understanding and deeper in their understanding. Now, it may just be that the person who is espousing sort of this is the way haven't gone deep enough into the context or into the background or into options. They haven't done research. In other words, now, if I look back on my own life, if you look back on yours, it's probably easy to see that we once held positions that we changed upon further experience, or we changed after further learning, or maybe just getting older, you know, being around for longer. Now here's a second potential cause, a cause of why somebody will be fairly rigid or enthusiastic even about their position that they believe is the position to have, and I certainly used to be like this, good Lord. It's kind of embarrassing, but it's just understanding. You know, like it's the way it was.
Rob:I won't go into great details in this particular episode, but I can absolutely put my hand up on this one. Well, it is because they likely have a real agenda. Now. The agenda could be to build a following, to gain subscribers, to sell a product, sell a product to evangelize a particular belief system, or to gain power in some way, perhaps political power or social power or religious power. Now, remember, we're not talking here about followers, we're talking about the one who creates the idea, the way, whatever that is, and basically talks about it as if it is. You know, that's it.
Rob:This is not to suggest that when somebody expounds a way as the way, which could be like a new approach, a new technology, an explanation, a theory, etc. It's not to say that they're wrong necessarily, because they actually may be absolutely right on the money, or it's not to say that they're deliberately deceiving others. I simply want to suggest that everything that people do happens for a reason, and a couple of reasons that I've mentioned may be a couple of common. People tend to be fixed on a way as the way. Now, I'm in my mid-60s at the moment and I like to think I'm doing a lot of growing up, getting wider and deeper, and I'm not talking about my waistline.
Rob:No, from my perspective, I don't think that there usually is the way. I think there are ways Ways of parenting, ways of eating, ways of spending your time, ways to find meaning and purpose. I don't think there are the way. There are usually options, there are alternatives, there are pathways you can take, and, to be sure, they're not all equal and maybe not even desirable and maybe not even successful, but they are options At the very least. If we accept that this is the case, then we might use this principle that there are ways as a guide to both better understand what's happening in a given situation or to choose more effective ways of responding or of acting or proceeding.
Rob:Going back to some of the original examples, one way is to live and accept yourself as you are. Another way is to do that and to seek to grow by learning and finding out more about your stage of life, trying to decide what you're going to let go in your life and make room for things that you think are now more important. You could do that by reading or by reflecting or by talking things through with mentors, but there are ways to be. Nobody has to actually be a certain way. One way to attract subscribers, as I mentioned previously, is to create and post what's called lead magnets to your website and social media. These are things like a downloadable little e-book or a little free video to get a hold of that will explain something, or whatever. These are designed to get people to sign up. Give an email address, you send the thing to them and then you have a first point of contact address, you send the thing to them and then you sort of have a first point of contact.
Rob:roceeding another way to attract subscribers or to attract followers to your methodology or whatever it is that you offer is to maybe offer public workshops. They're both ways, and which one you use. Well, it depends when you hear somebody say this is dead and that's the way, beware, it's kind of too closed, it's too binary, if you like. Here's another example. One way to be in close relationships is to go see a marriage counsellor and work on things together. But another way might be to respectfully separate because little change has been made.
Rob:I know when I went through a separation and divorce after a 29-year marriage, I had very, very well-meaning people tell me I was absolutely making the biggest mistake of my life, because this is the way it has to be and this is what you need to do, which, of course, wasn't very helpful at the time. So in each of these cases that we've been looking at how to live, marketing, marriage, even in each of these cases, there are more than just two options. There is likely to be at least a few. So how do you know which one to follow? How do you know which path to take. Good question.
Rob:Allow me to offer some suggestions, not on what to do or what to think and adhere to, but on how to proceed. So, firstly, here's some important principles which I think are really good as a guide. Number one as we've said, there is not a way, there are ways, and if you find yourself thinking down one path, catch yourself and tell yourself hang on, rob. There are actually other ways too. What are they? You're kind of catching yourself going down one rabbit hole and thinking hang on a second, what are the other options? So you're forcing yourself to go wide. That's the first principle, I think, on how to actually find your pathway in whatever it is that you are considering doing. Here's a second thing the best option for you will depend on a few factors.
Rob:We often think that you know a recommendation from somebody that's worked for them will work for me. Not necessarily, so. It depends. For example, do you have a similar disposition or personality to that person? So their advice that works for them maybe it's not going to work for you. Are you in the same situation as they are Somebody who tells you you know you should work? You know 12 hours a day, hustling a side business may not be in your situation at all. They may be single and have no kids, and you might be married and have a child or two or a grandchild that you look after. It's just not the same situation. Here's another question Do you have the same resources as the advice that you're listening to? Is the timing right for you? Maybe it's a good idea, but not for now.
Rob:So these are sort of dimensions to consider when you're looking at a particular option or a pathway or some alternative approaches to take to get a particular endeavor up and running, to think more broadly about the variables and then choose what kind of aligns with you most naturally, given timing, context, resources, your disposition, the situation you're in. So first way, or first principle rather, there is not a way. There are ways. What are they? The second one, the best option for you, depends on a few factors. So consider the factors and let that inform the pathway or option that you choose. And here's number three you can experiment. You can experiment. Nothing's permanent, because you know what I mean. Obviously, there are some physical things that are permanent, but nothing's permanent when it comes to ideas and trying things out and looking for next steps, et cetera, because nothing's set in stone.
Rob:In fact, when I was coaching and consulting in the corporate world and I talked to people about making business improvements or organizational change, my view was and I used to advise them on this it's better to actually move forward in small steps than to try and go full noise from the beginning. Not only do people like James Clear, who's the author of Atomic Habits, suggest this, but it just makes sense, doesn't it? Starting small allows you to test, with limited risk and limited commitment of resources, of time and energy and public reputation, or even reputation within your family. Starting small always the very first step. Anyway. You know the old journey of a thousand steps begins with the first step, doesn't it?
Rob:So start small and build up slowly and see how it goes for you and then, based on real experience, not just thinking about it, then you can decide does this feel right for me, is this the right option for me, or not quite? So once again, those three principles. First, there isn't a way, there are ways. Secondly, which option is best for you depends on a range of factors. So consider those factors and see how it affects what you find is most viable. And thirdly, don't go full noise, don't plan for a month before you take your first little step.
Rob:Experiment, small steps, small risks, and then, based on your actual experience and how it really resonates with you or doesn't, then you could decide shall I carry on down this path or shall I try something slightly different? So, my dear friend, with the principles that we've just talked about in mind, think of a situation, if you have one, something you want to change, something you want to try something. You want to try an idea you want to pursue, maybe an approach you're thinking about taking in your personal life or in work, a technology or a skill maybe you're thinking of developing. Maybe you're thinking of going to study at university, like I did in my early 60s. Your key question might be what's the right approach for me?
Rob:And as Martha Beck says so well American author and love some of her stuff she says ask the question with your head and listen for the answers from your heart. That in itself is an excellent guide.
