The Power of Being Alone After a Breakup

The quiet after a breakup is not peaceful. It is loud. When the phone stops buzzing and the routines disappear, you are left with one uncomfortable question: am I enough without being chosen?

In this solo episode, we break down what it really means to be alone after a breakup and why time alone is not a setback, it is strategy. This is a direct conversation about healing after heartbreak, rebuilding self worth, and learning how to stop repeating unhealthy relationship patterns.

We talk about strategic solitude in real life. Making pancakes for one. Resisting the urge to text someone just to avoid the silence. Choosing journaling, long walks, music, creativity, and honest reflection instead of distraction. This is about emotional growth, not isolation. There is a difference between healthy independence and shutting down, and we unpack both.

You will hear reflections on self worth, boundaries, and relationship standards. We sit with the truth behind Maya Angelou’s words, “You alone are enough,” and what that actually means when you are single and rebuilding. When you spend intentional time alone, red flags become clearer. Mixed signals lose their appeal. The need to be chosen loses its power.

We also address overfunctioning in relationships, people pleasing, and the habit of feeling steady only when someone else validates you. If you have ever tolerated less than you deserved just to avoid being alone, this episode will land.

This conversation focuses on:
 • Healing after a breakup
 • The benefits of being single
 • Rebuilding confidence and self trust
 • Setting nonnegotiables in relationships
 • Recognizing red flags and green flags
 • Emotional independence without emotional walls
 • Breaking unhealthy relationship cycles

The goal is not to find someone new. The goal is to become someone who will not settle. When you build yourself in the quiet, you choose differently. You move differently. You love differently.

If you are in your alone season, this is your reminder that solitude can be formative, powerful, and clarifying. Press play and let’s build something unshakable.

Follow the show for more conversations on betrayal trauma, boundaries, emotional healing, and rebuilding your life after loss. Share this episode with someone navigating heartbreak, and leave a review to help more people find strength in their alone season.

Transcript

Why I don't share my love life with my kids

What's humbling about being alone

SPEAKER_02 0:12

You know, when I was a little girl, I absolutely loved being alone. I would pretend 24-7, whether I was out in the playground, in the forest, in my bedroom, listening to my little blue suitcase turntable, I was always imagining and having fun by myself. That said, I loved having my friends around, don't get me wrong. But being alone was something that was natural and free. And I think a lot of us adults can look back at our childhood and kind of embrace the times that we had alone, or we needed that alone time to kind of reboot and revive ourselves for the next playing session with our friends or our next day at school. And as well, you know, we'd have to go to bed alone, sit there and think alone. I can remember on Christmas night how sad I used to be that Christmas was over, and I would lay in my bed and listen to the last bit of Christmas music. I would take it in on my little ghetto blaster. Being alone was just so special at that time. But as we get older, some of us have issues with being alone. And with more and more of us in our forties and fifties realizing breakups that we've raised kids, we've had a busy household, there's lots of noise, there's that companionship event. Being alone seems almost impossible because we have so many demons that we need to face. And there's also a very very specific kind of silence after a breakup. And it's not really peaceful at first, it's actually very loud. You know, you recognize the quiet where your phone doesn't light up, and there's no one asking you where you are. There's no one who needs you to explain yourself. And if I'm honest, that silent can feel like rejection. Last night, I think I had one of the most loneliest nights. Everyone in my team was talking about pancake day, and some were having pancakes, some weren't, but I was like, I want pancakes so bad. And I was sitting here by myself. And I go to the pantry and I grab some flour and I texted everyone to heck with that. I'm making pancakes. So I just put the bowl on the counter and the flour. I was getting it ready to measure, and my phone went off, and it was a lady that lives in the same town as myself, and she asked me, Shah, what are you doing? And I'm not too much. I said, you know, I was gonna call you about an hour ago, but then I thought, you know, maybe you're doing family time, whatever. And she well, there's pancake dinner at the Optimus Club. Do you want to come? And I'm like, I'm in. So, you know, sometimes it can be you can feel very rejected being alone, especially after raising your children and having all that time with everybody. And they're grown adults, so you can't ask them to always be there to entertain you. And when I look at my children, is they are people who are living their own life. And whomever I decide to have in the comfort of my own home, and if I see them only once or twice a month, that's my decision. That is not theirs. Because they are busy living their own lives. They're no longer children, they're grown adults, and nor do I need to vent with them about my problems or my relationship issues or my work issues. Sometimes talking to them and venting can seem like I'm being more of a failure as a parent than what I am being a positive parent because I want them to strive for the very best as well. And my complaining about a partner or my job or my owning a business right now, it's just kind of putting a bad taste in their mouth and carrying on that generational legacy of negativity where I don't want that. So even when I have my kids, it's still very lonely because there's certain things I just don't talk about. What I'm learning like right now is that silence is not rejection, it's actually recalibration, it's making myself a different person to open my life up for someone or something that will give me the happiness that I want and deserve. And for the first time in a long time, I'm not trying to replace what I lost. I'm also trying to understand why I tolerated it. And that is a very different position to be in. And I think why I have never truly been alone in this whole journey of mine. I think the moment I got alone, I would feel that something failed. But now I see it differently. Being alone after a breakup is not punishment, it's actually strategic, creating a strategy. When you've been in a relationship, especially one that required you to overfunction, you don't just lose the person. You lose the routine, you lose and lose the rhythm, the identity you built inside that dynamic. And then if you jump into something new too quickly, you carry the same patterns forward. So I don't want to be bringing my ex-husband and my ex into my next type relationship. Because basically, what I'm creating is a different face but the same dance, because it will be the same person that I attach myself to. So this season alone is teaching me where I was overgiving, where I was over-explaining, where I was working harder than the relationship required. And this solitude and this beautiful beautiful home and this beautiful view it exposed everything very quickly. And you know, there is something deeply humbling about sitting with yourself without external validation, or sitting there waiting for that call or that text, not receiving compliments or reassurance that you're doing the right thing. You know, it's just it's just you. You're you alone. And sure, I get my daily calls from my two buddies who check in on me. But when I'm talking about a relationship, I'm talking one that's intimate, that's 24-7, and you're seeing each other every day, you're doing the sweet surprises, and just loving each other unconditionally, and allowing each other in your life twenty-four-seven. I realized how much I used to feel steady only when I was chosen. And that's a very dangerous thing to feel. Maya Angelou said, You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anybody. And that line really does hit differently when you're not in a relationship. Because being alone forces you to test your whether you believe that. And I feel that with the transition after my breakup, leaving the landlord situation, placing myself about two hours away from my children, I feel that I have tested myself, and I don't have anything to prove to anybody. I wake up every morning and try to prove to myself that I can be the best that I can be. And when I go to bed at night, I can actually sleep feeling confident that I did the best that I could do. And could I have done more? Yes, I could have done more. I could have rested a little bit. But here it is Wednesday night, and I probably could have waited till tomorrow to do my podcast. But we're going to print on Friday, so I wanted to ensure that this was going to get done this evening. And do I b actually believe I'm enough when no one is affirming it? Absolutely. I am enough. And I will not settle ever again. And really be a being alone actually answered everything. I'm feeling quite good about my future. And whether it's with someone or not, it is very nice to have companionship, and I'm sure as long as I'm I stay here, I'm sure that I'll make acquaintances that I can go pop in for a tea or a coffee or a drink. But right now, since I don't know anybody, this is the opportune moment to start looking within, realizing that I am enough, and that I don't have to prove it to anyone. But silence also tells the truth as well. Because when everything gets quiet, the red flags get louder. When you're not distracted by chemistry or hope or potential, you start seeing the patterns clearly. I had moments alone where I thought, wow, I really accepted that. I really explained that behavior away. I really tried to carry that by myself. And Coco Chanel says the most courageous act is to still think for yourself aloud. Thinking for yourself in a relationship is hard when you want it to work. Thinking for yourself alone? Nah. That's clarity. And clarity is very uncomfortable. It's funny because I went to a pharmacy the other day and it was more out of curiosity because, you know, the one of the partners that I was with obviously claimed that he never knew how to do anything. He doesn't know how to do that. But then when I went to the pharmacy and they're like, yeah, it's$48. I'm like, yeah, I knew you knew how to do it all along. But you just chose to keep it because that was your plan.

SPEAKER_01 11:13

And I did a lot more puzzle piecing.

SPEAKER_02 11:17

And it's so funny when you're alone because you think about all of these different situations that you've been through, and you start putting this piece together and that piece together and that piece together and that piece together. And sometimes your friends can get rather annoyed with you because you're like, oh, here's another thing that I figured out. And it fits so perfectly because it's it's all coming together. So then all of a sudden you have this perfect puzzle put together, and you're like, Yeah, I was really played. And with my ex-husband, that puzzle's still all over the place. But it is coming together. There's just a lot of unanswered questions that I'll probably never receive to put it together 100%.

SPEAKER_01 12:05

And I don't think nobody knows the answers.

Celebrities even take time to themselves!

Things to do when you're in your aloneness

Miley Cyrus - Flowers

04

SPEAKER_02 12:11

There's a difference between loneliness and solitude. Loneliness says I'm missing something something, which actually happens between eight and nine most evenings. And then I get over it with a show, or I do something in regards to work. The solitude says I'm building something. So here I am all alone. I could be watching TV or playing video games, but I decided no, I'm gonna be building my entity, and I'm gonna do my podcast. And belonging to yourself means you don't tolerate being someone's option. It means you don't chase mixed signals, it means you stop performing. And I'll say it plainly, being alone is showing me I was working harder than the relationship. And that's not partnership. Mark Twain said, never allow someone to be your priority when you're allowing yourself to be their option. When you sit alone long enough, you see where all that was happening. And you know, even in the celebrity world, being alone has become a phenomenon. Adele stepped back after her divorce and focus on therapy and motherhood instead of jumping into a public romance. Selena Gomez has spoken openly about taking extended breaks from dating to prior prioritize her mental health. And look what you end up with, God love Benny. And really that's maturity. It is very much maturity, and every therapist would tell you that you need some time alone before you hop into a new relationship. Solitude is where standards are rebuilt. And here are a few things that you can do. Well, your morning a breakup, then needing to rebuild yourself. Take up a hobby. I have a table where I paint. I have uh another side of the kitchen table where I do some cricket cup making and I'm trying to get into other sorts of crafting. I have this podcast. You can start trying to make different types of coffee. Not too late at night, obviously. Listen to pot listen to podcasts and audible books. That has been a great pastime of mine. A big thing to do is to journal. Journaling, I used to write in a diary every night when I was a little girl. And I think the last time I wrote in my journal was kind of a recap of where my life was back in 2002 or something. And I've been meaning to open up that journal again, even though it has my teenage years, part of my adult years. I'm slowly getting to the fact of I gotta write with pen and not type, but to start journaling again, because I think it's so very important. I feel like my journal is here with you, and it's the best way that I can express myself because I put a lot of thought into my podcast before I come on, and I really do a lot of self-reflection on, you know, things that I can do better and things that I can help you with. So starting something like this or getting on to TikTok and not doom scrolling, but posting about your experience, maybe that's an option if you're not too nervous to do that. Another thing can be very harmful to your health, but is baking. Baking and cooking. When you're alone, don't just grab a ham one of those frozen dinners and pop it in the oven. It's always best to try to plan a meal for yourself and really take it in and enjoy it. And then you have leftovers for the week, too, because you know, nothing is sold for one person. And baking, I love baking, but I think I'm gonna cut off on the baking because the cookies went a little too quick and no one came to visit me. Other things is tapping in with nature. They say, and I feel it's true right now because I'm surrounded in nature, that it brings a lot of perspective and a lot of deep thought when you're walking through nature. You learn to appreciate the small things in life. You don't need a whole bunch of things to make your heart happy or life happy. You don't need to compete with others when you're in nature. Nature has you and you have nature. And I'm starting to have a greater appreciation because I think my first interaction with nature was when I bought the trailer. But now I'm all mad alone in this house, surrounded by forests. I saw a little raccoon tonight, and I'm just enjoying it immensely. I'm finding my peace here, and don't get me wrong, I do get lonely. And there are times that I want to pick up the phone and say, hey, buddy, why don't you come over? A different buddy, but I don't because I don't want to get looped into that either. As well, I feel that for myself, another way I gain perspective is going for drives. And I love driving. So if you're not a driver, it's probably not the best thing to do. But I try to budget enough gas for myself that I can go out for a really good drive, take in the scenery, maybe catch a snowy owl this time of year, but I really haven't been hunting them down because I just haven't been up in Perth County very much. And just taking in the scenery and appreciating all that you have, and maybe play a little audible uh book while you're driving along or playing the music loud, whatever suits you the best. So, have you ever heard the song Flowers by Miley Cyrus? It is such an upbeat song, and this song is interesting because it's not rage-filled. It's upbeat, but it's really gum. You know, I can buy myself flowers. I can love me better. That is so not revenge energy. It's it's just like self-sufficiently gone blown up loud. And here's the question I've been asking myself. Am I choosing independence because I'm empowered or because I'm afraid? And there is a difference in that. Healthy solitude says I don't need someone to complete me. Defensive independence says, I won't let anyone close enough to hurt me. Being alone gives you time to sort that out. And for me, this isn't season isn't about proving that I don't need anyone. It's about a proving that I won't abandon myself again. You know, that that person that I want in my life, I want them to be able to converse with me and we look at the time and go, wow, it's two o'clock already. Or to say, you know, I feel like doing this. Would you like to come with me? And they have the independence to say yes or no. I would love them to spend time with me, but I also want them to feel free that they don't have to feel obligated to do everything that I do. You know, they have to embrace the smaller things like that little trailer of mine. There's a lot of gratitude to be have when you wind down and you're cooking with minimal electricity because you can't have a kettle and a ninja going at the same time, heaven forbid. And they don't mind small spaces. They don't need everything in life. And you know, when you go on these dating apps, like the first thing they're showing is their motorcycle. Second thing, second thing they're showing is their pillow in a bed. Them with a pillow in bed, and you know, anything else that they have about whatever, and it's like I look at them and go, I really don't want you because that's not the lifestyle I want to live. I want to aspire to be quiet in my next 20 years. I don't need to be grinding to get rich. Sure, I'm gonna have to probably work the rest of my life, but that's okay because right now I'm living my passion too. And that makes me smile so much that I took this risk and I'm alone, and it's kind of like my husband now, my magazine. It's something that I can make it the way I want it to be, and it's a great partner because it's kind of reflecting me now. I hopefully, if you're in the kitchen or Waterloo area, you'll be able to see it next month and really kind of look at it and go, yeah, that looks like Trina. So being alone removes distraction, it also removes distortion. And there's no one to blame, no one to impress, no one to perform for. It's just you. And if you can sit with yourself without rushing to fill the space, you can build something unshakable. Maybe the goal after a breakup isn't to find someone new. Maybe the goal is to become someone who doesn't settle. So if you're in your alone season right now, just don't panic. You know, and when you have those bouts of loneliness or those feelings of calling your ex or someone that will fill the void. Temporarily. You know, just ask yourself, what am I learning? Where was I overextending? Where did I silence myself? And who am I becoming in this quiet? Because this quiet is not empty. It's actually formative. And when you enter your next relationship from that place, it won't be out of fear. It will be from strength. And strength allows you to see the red flags quicker, to see the green flags flying, and to embrace the adventure, feeling positive, confident that there's a possibility that this time around the future looks bright.