No Caller ID: The Moment You Realize They Never Chose You

I had a late-night realization that surprised me: I was trying to force myself to be unhappy, even though I could feel real happiness and gratitude underneath the chaos. That moment opened a bigger door, what happens when we finally sit still long enough to name the hurt, stop performing strength, and let solitude do its quiet work.

I talk through the messy middle of healing after breakup pain, people-pleasing, and years of accepting dynamics that didn’t fully meet me. We get into the “quiet grief” that shows up later, when distance brings clarity and you realise you stayed longer than you should have, not because you didn’t know better, but because you hoped it would become more. We unpack boundaries, red flags, standards, and the heavy truth of forcing connection when effort isn’t matched. The goal isn’t bitterness. The goal is self-trust, the kind that lets you close the door on the past before you open a new one.

Then I use Megan Moroney's “No Caller ID” as a sharp metaphor for modern relationships: access without intention, presence without accountability, and those late-night check-ins that keep the door cracked. The growth isn’t dramatic, it’s calm. It’s not romanticizing the bare minimum, not assigning meaning where there isn’t any, and finally choosing peace over confusion.

It's my last episode at my self journey hideaway of peace and solitude.  Off to the trailer to experience my newly healed side. It's all part of my greater plan in life. Peace and to love me unconditionally.   Take the trip, be alone, and learn about you. It's your time!

If this lands with you, subscribe for more honest conversations about healing, boundaries, self-love, and rebuilding your life after hard seasons, and please share this with someone who needs the reminder to choose themselves.

Transcript

Epitaph For A Hard Season

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Hey there. This episode is kind of like an epilogue to the last podcast that I did about are you comfortable or are you happy? This is the second last night I'll be sleeping in this cottage of mine before I head to the trailer until October, where I decide what I'll do next. And I got to thinking about the previous episode, and I was quite in-depth in my thought. And I had an aha moment as I sat outside last night watching the moon coast behind the clouds and in front of the clouds. It was very mesmerizing and it was quite magical, actually. You know, throughout this whole 25 episodes, at first I started off with talking about things that really hurt me, but didn't really address the hurt. And as this whole journey has come to light, I come to realize that wow, like I'm actually starting to identify the hurt and identify my feelings. And I think it was because of this last three months, it's been 2,627 days. Since I separated from my ex-husband, and I've come to realize in these three months that had I taken the journey of being alone initially and working out my feelings and not drinking so much, I probably wouldn't be in the state that I am now. Because I rushed into something, and I spent a lot of time in the chaos, which was very hurtful in many, many times. And here I was in October, so it's supposed six months ago, all by myself again. And from October to February 1st, I was, you know, in massive chaos with the breakup and the landlord and my partner in business. It all seemed to come flying in my face as punishment. But I've come to realize now that it wasn't a punishment, it was a lesson, it was learning. I accepted so many people in my life that love to watch me grind or loved to watch me go, yes, yes, okay, yes. And they really didn't like it when I put my foot down and said no. And there's so many of these personality types out there. Not that they're bad people, but they're controlling people. And once you say no, there's just no turning back. And there's a lot of hurt that you drag along with you. And I can honestly say that these three months of being quiet, alone, still, but working on my business still, has made me realize that while I love my business, I love doing this more because I know there's so many people in the same predicament as I have been, and I am still today. But that said, about five days ago I was driving around and there was a few chaotic things that were happening, and I was like, I I, you know, I really should be unhappy. Like, with what's going on? I should be stir crazy. I'm like, I'm trying to force myself to be unhappy when I'm really happy. And it was a huge aha moment because you can still have a lot of chaos in your life, but still be happy and grateful. And I think that's the part of healing that I never ever realized was you're gonna have some really hard times as you swim through it. But once you come and you start reaching the surface, you feel this happiness or you feel this peacefulness. Nothing's ever gonna be the same. I've kind of realized that I'll never be the same person I was 2627 days ago. But I'm me now, and who I am and how I'm growing into who I am now really makes me proud. I would have never taken a chance in owning a magazine. I would have never taken a chance in keeping on with the magazine, and there's been many times in the last few months where I should have shut down, but pure tenacity has made me keep going. I there's days like today I don't feel like doing the podcast, but I do believe that it's something that we need to do or I need to do to share my feelings, and if one person can take something away from it, I've done my due diligence, my philanthropy for the week, if you will. So

Alone Time As A Turning Point

SPEAKER_00 5:31

this story here basically summarizes is take that time to be alone. This is the greatest gift I have ever given myself. And while it I said it can be frustrating, it can be sad, there's many tears, there's much temptation to fall back and try again. Being alone and just sinking into you is such an amazing journey. And then when you can sit outside at night and watch that moon going in and out of the clouds and feeling as your sincere sense of peace, that's the greatest gift you could ever give yourself. And I just want to let you know that if you're right in the cusp of healing and you want to find someone else or go back to your ex, you know, the best thing you can do is sit in it and think about it. Write the pros and the cons. But do not get into a new relationship unless the door of the fat past is firmly closed. I know when I wrote that letter to my ex-husband when he was diagnosed with cancer, I wrote it in a way that the door was closed, but I was thinking of him wishing him well. Because you know why? I'm not out to hurt anybody. And when you keep that door open and you start pursuing other people, that's very hurt hurtful and also a little narcissistic, because you're just healing the wounds on the surface, and you know that you haven't healed them yet, and you're gonna hurt someone else. And that's that. So I was just scrolling, one of those quiet moments in the evening when I wasn't really

The Quiet Grief Of Settling

SPEAKER_00 7:40

doing anything, and had the television on mute as it played in the background, and I saw a few quotes that actually stopped me. And it wasn't necessarily in like a oh, that's a nice quote kind of way. It in a it just stayed with me. And the one that really hit me hard was this. There is a quiet kind of grief that comes from realizing you've accepted less than you deserved. Not because you did not know better, but because you hoped it would be more. And I sat with that and I thought about it. Because that kind of grief doesn't show up right away, it actually shows up after, after the ending, after the distance, after you finally see things clearly. And it's it's not like a loud boom, it's just actually really quiet. You just start understanding things differently. You replay moments differently, you see patterns you didn't want to see before, you realize where you stayed longer than you should have. And the hardest part it's not just what happened, it's realizing you participated into it. And not intentionally, but through hope. And in today's day and age, I think we all talk a lot about red flags. We talk about boundaries, we talk about standards. But what we don't talk about enough is how easy it is to stay in something that doesn't fully meet you, and when there's just enough there to keep you hoping. Because it's not always that bad, of course. You when you're together, it seems great, and all partners fight, and all partners yell at one another, or all partners have, you know, little irritations between one another. And that's what the problem is. We we if it was all bad, you'd leave, but it's not. And there are moments, conversations, little glimpses of something that feels real, and you hold on, hold on to those and you build around them. You tell yourself, this is what it could be, and slowly without realizing it, you start adjusting yourself to keep that possibility alive, and you become extra patient, extra understanding, more flexible. You explain things away to your friends and family, you give people the benefit of the doubt over and over again, and it doesn't feel like settling, it feels like caring, it feels like trying. When you look at it later, you realize how much of yourself you were giving to someone that wasn't giving that back to you, and that's where the grief comes in. Not just losing them, but realizing how long you stayed. And then there's this kind of grief that is really silent. And it doesn't show up in the ending, it shows up well after. And when everything is quiet and you're finally honest with yourself, it's the realization that you accepted less than you deserved. Not because you didn't know, but because you believed it would become more. You gave time when you were already tired, you gave understanding when you were needing clarity. You gave parts to yourself hoping it'd eventually meet you where you already were. And you define that as patience or you defined it as love. But it was actually hope, stretching itself further than it should have. And I see it now. After three months, I see it so clearly now. I see the effort wasn't matched in either of my relationships. I ignored all kinds of patterns, and I kept pushing down feelings because I didn't want it to mean what it did, and this stayed with me, and I've had to fight this for so long, this realization of not being wanted, and it certainly comes from a childhood trauma. I can pinpoint what it is, but not being chosen is a huge issue for men and women, it devastates them. It's so it's so hard on a human being. And but realizing how much of yourself you gave to something that never fully chose you. And if you're being honest, you wish you had chosen yourself sooner. I wish I would have chosen myself when I was 15 years old, but I never did. And I never did through my 20s or 30s or 40s. I tried my best to be independent because I had to be independent in order to be happy. I was comfortable. And then, you know, after my relationship where I should have stood in this horrible pain, but I didn't, I should have chosen myself again. And I wasn't weak. I realized that now I wasn't weak in talking to people. I believed in love, and now I know the difference. And there was another quote I came across. Normalize not forcing connections with people.

Stop Forcing Connection And Choose You

SPEAKER_00 13:55

Choose people who choose you. And I think what hit me about this is how often we don't realize we're forcing something. Because it really doesn't feel like forcing. It's actually like a lot of effort and a lot of showing up and a lot of caring. And when it's not met, it's not connection. And that's you carrying something all by yourself, and it's so bloody heavy. I've been there trying to explain myself better, trying to communicate in a way that it would finally land but never did, trying to create clarity in something that was never clear. And it was my last five years was just a gray haze of mud on a windshield. And at some point, I had to stop asking myself, what else can I do? And that's when I decided I gotta be alone. Because the right connection does not need convincing, it does not need decoding, it does not need mistrust. It doesn't leave you wondering where you stand. It's also about what it took from your sense of self, your safety, your timing, your ability to rest inside your own heart. That line, your ability to rest inside your own heart, and that's what gets disrupted. Because after certain experiences, you just don't question them. You question yourself, you question your instincts, your judgment, your ability to trust what you feel. And you look back and think, How did I stay in that? Because the truth is you didn't stay because you didn't see anything. You stayed because you believed in something more than what was actually being shown to you. And rebuilding that trust in yourself, that's the real work. Learning to listen to that feeling again, not explain it away, not override it. Actually trust it. I was talking to my daughter the other day, and she was asking me, you know, if I've been out dating, and kind of gave her an update, and I've told her, I said, I've come to the conclusion, Christina, that I really don't want to date again. I don't want a sni a serious significant other. I just I'm so happy in myself right now, and I'm so happy that I'm going to the trailer and finally having communication with people, hopefully daily, because it's been really quiet the last three months. I'm hoping that I can open my heart up again to the people that I know care for me, and I don't want to risk my heart ever being broken again. It's gonna take a very special person to walk into my life and convince me that I can trust. And I'm okay with that because that's what this whole journey was all about is learning to love myself. Made a lot of sourdough bread, got a fat ass, but we'll work on that ass because there's a lot of work to do at the trailer. But, you know, it's all about loving myself again, and the only way I could love myself was spending this time alone. I couldn't do it in Kitchen or Waterloo where the hustle and the bustle and the running and the everything like that, I just couldn't. I don't I like the area, I love my kids that live there, but I can honestly say it's not where my heart is because there's so much triggers. There's so many triggers, and I don't want to go where the triggers are. Not for a job, not for a man, definitely not. I'll go for my kids, and that's about it. There's a song called No Caller ID by Megan Moroni. She's

No Caller ID And Real Boundaries

SPEAKER_00 18:15

a country singer and getting bigger each and every day. But before I even get into the lyrics of this song, the title alone tells you everything. No caller ID. It's not just a phone call, it's a person. It's someone who doesn't want to be fully seen, but still wants access to you. No name, no accountability, no consistency, just presence when it suits them. And if you have ever been in something like that, you don't need the rest of the song to explain it. You already know what it feels like. And what Megan captures so well in this song is the pattern. Because it's not random, it's a cycle. They disappear, they come back, they reach out just enough to reopen that door. Not enough to build something, just enough to keep something there. And it's never loud, it's never direct, it's not a conversation, it's a late-night call, a hey, a moment that feels like it might mean something. But never actually becomes something. And that's where confusion lives because you're left trying to read between the lines of someone who won't even put their name on the call. But here's the shift, and this is the part that really matters. So listen clearly. What makes this song different from a heartbreak song is that she's not asking why anymore. She's not trying to figure them out, she's not chasing clarity because she already has it. And there's this quiet realization underneath everything. Ah, I see what this is now. And you know, after months spending it here, I've come to realize that that is a powerful place to be. Because awareness doesn't come with drama, it doesn't come with a big moment, it comes with stillness. And when you're there, you don't react the same way anymore because this song as core is something deeper than a call. It's about people who want access to you without intention towards you. And he doesn't show up, he doesn't choose her, he doesn't build anything real, he just reaches out. Why? Well, of course, because she's familiar, she's safe, because she used to answer. And that's where everything changes because that's where your boundary steps in. And what I love about the song, what really makes it fit everything we've talked about today, is that it's not angry. It's not she's not yelling, she's not begging, she's not trying to prove anything, she's just hyper-aware. And awareness looks like this: not picking up, not calling back, not romanticizing the bare minimum. He looked at my social media, that must mean something. Don't romanticize that. And not assigning meaning where there isn't any, don't do it. That's growth, that's maturity, and that's moving forward. That's the version of you that comes after the conclusion, after the overthinking, after the tears, after the hoping. And when you connect it back to everything else, all those quotes, all those realizations, they land right here. Don't force connection. He's not choosing you, he's just checking to see if you're still available. Trauma takes your sense of self. You start questioning why those small moments ever felt like enough. Pain changes your standards. One day you just stop answering. And potential isn't real. You stop imagining what that call could mean, and you finally see what it actually means. And suddenly, no caller ID. Doesn't feel intriguing anymore. It feels clear. And once it feels clear, you don't go back to being confused about again. And then I came across this post but was staying unbothered. And at first I almost skipped it because the phrase gets thrown around so much. But this one felt

Unbothered Without Going Numb

SPEAKER_00 22:30

a little different, probably in the mood that I was in. One line said, Not everything deserves your reaction. Silence is not weakness, it's mastery. And that hit because there was a time where I thought reacting meant I cared. And now I understand, not everything deserves access to my energy. Another one said, Detach, don't disconnect. And that's the balance. I still care. I still feel deeply. But I don't cling the same way anymore. And another line, observe, don't absorb. And that one really changed everything because not everything you feel belongs to you. And then this, let people be who they are. And you know, that's one of the hardest ones because it means accepting reality instead of holding on to potential. And then there's respond with calm, not ego. Your peace is more valuable than proving a point. And I come to realize how many times in my life have I gone and stood up for someone only to find out that I ended up being the laughing stock, and they stood behind laughing as well. I don't need to prove a point on behalf of somebody else. It's up to them to stand up for themselves. And I realized, wow, Trina, that is growth. That is one of the things, one of your faults in life, is standing up too quickly for others when they don't want it. And I don't need to win, and I don't need to be understood by everybody, and I don't need the last word. But fighting on behalf of someone when they don't understand what's happening to them, just choose your piece. It's not worth it. So when I read all this, it didn't feel like advice. It kind of felt like a result, kind of a timing when I'm coming to an end of this season of my journey and moving on to another. And I'm so excited. It's like Christmas, and I'm probably not making much sense during this podcast because it is literally like Christmas

The Trailer Reset And Next Steps

SPEAKER_00 25:00

for me. Because and people go, You're excited to go to the trailer. And I'm like, Yeah, I'm gonna be sleeping in a tin can until October. But what I realize is this is just a rental, it's just a structure, it's just a place for me to lay my head. As beautiful as it is, and as w how wonderful it was to heal here and to get through everything here, the trailer is mine. And I have so many wonderful plans to expand my deck a little bit, get a fridge outside, possibly paint inside, but I don't know if I'm ready to go on venturing to do that yet. Build a better fireplace. I wouldn't even mind trying to build one of those wood fire fireplaces for my sourdough, but I don't know if I'm capable of doing that. But we're just gonna research it a little bit. You know, I don't become I don't become unbothered because nothing affected me. You become unbothered because you've been affected by the wrong things long enough to finally see clearly. And once you see it, you don't go back. You look ahead. You spend that time you need by yourself. You don't force connection, you don't chase potential, you don't ignore how you feel.

Speak The Hurt Then Find Peace

SPEAKER_00 26:20

Talk your hurt, speak your hurt, let the hurt out. Because acting like the hurt doesn't bother you just keeps going down, down, down into your gut, and it affects you physically. As you age, it affects you physically. Choose differently, and eventually you're not trying to be unbothered, you're just at peace. So, right now, go listen to No Caller ID, and this time hear it from that place, that place of peace.