When Looking Back Stops Serving You

This week on Life's a Blog, I'm sharing a conversation that made me stop and think about grief, healing, attachment, and what it really means to move forward.

Sometimes what feels like loneliness isn't loneliness at all. Sometimes it's grief. Sometimes it's missing the people who loved us. And sometimes it's learning that we don't need updates about people we've already chosen to leave behind.

I talk about reclaiming my trailer as my own space, the lessons my mom still teaches me, why love bombing can feel like an addiction, and how I finally stopped checking on people from my past.

If you've ever wondered how to stop looking back, how to stop stalking social media, or how to let go of relationships that no longer serve you, this episode is for you.

Because healing isn't found in their life. It's found in yours.

Plus, I share a simple gratitude mantra that's helping me appreciate the life I'm living right now instead of wishing for the life I used to have.

The song of the week is Next Thing You Know by Jordan Davis, a reminder that life keeps moving forward whether we're ready or not.

Be kind to yourself. The past taught you what you needed to learn. Now it's time to build a future you're excited to wake up to. 🎙️

Life's a Blog is a podcast about healing, resilience, relationships, grief, growth, and finding your way forward one chapter at a time.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Hey everybody. Welcome back to Life's a Blog, the podcast. Well, it's been a really great week. My trailer,

Trailer Updates And Emotional Week

SPEAKER_00 0:12

the deck has been extended. I made this cute little country kitchen outside that allowed me to keep everything open, but keep things that I wanted to have outside away from the rain and the wind and anything that would cause damage to the appliances, especially my fridge that I just bought. So I am so pleased that things are going so well. And I thought I had a little bit of a a week, emotional week, kind of just ups and downs. And I was talking to a friend, and I'll get on with that one. But this podcast has always been about healing, growth, relationships, grief, resilience, learning how to move forward when life doesn't go according to plan. And this week I've been thinking a lot about moving forward. Not because I have all the answers, because I don't, but because I had one of those conversations that made me really sit down, stop, and think. You know, those kind of conversations where you just keep talking, and then all of a sudden you have a little aha moment. The conversations that start out casually and some out somehow ending end up touching a place in your heart you weren't expecting. And I was talking to a friend that came to see me about relationships, about life after relationships, and how certain places can hold memories. And for me, it's the trailer. I spent a lot of time here. It's where I record the podcast, where I write, where I work, it's where I dream and paint. It's where I've rebuilt a lot of my life. And really being at the trailer is allowing me to grow my business without the anxiety of paying rent for a few months. Sure, I pay my lot fees, but I don't have to pay rent until quote unquote September, where I have to pay my lot fees for the winter. And then I pay my rent starting in October again. But it allows me to grow my business without the anxiety of always being broke. And I think that was a very brave and smart move. And the trailer, it's where I've rebuilt a lot of my life. But it's also a place that was once shared. And sometimes, despite all the work I've done, despite all the healing, despite how happy I am with the life I'm building, there are moments where something feels a little off. And it's not devastating or heartbreaking. It's just a different feeling. And I think that's something people misunderstand. People often assume that if you miss something, it means you want it back. And that's why we end up in a cyclical cyclical chaos, I could you call I guess you'd call it of going back, going back, going back. But for me, that's not true. I don't want my marriage back. I don't want old relationships back. I don't spend my time wishing for versions of my life that no longer exist. What I feel sometimes isn't loneliness, at least not the kind most people think about. It's a different kind of lonely. It's the awareness that life changed. And there was a time in this space how different conversations. There was different plans, there was different routines, and now it doesn't, and that's okay. In fact, one of the reasons I poured so much energy into this trailer is because I wanted it to become mine, not a reminder of what it was, a reflection of what is. So with every project, every improvement, every little change, it really wasn't redecorating or it was it was basically reclaiming. It was creating a space that represent represented who I am today. Because who I am today is very different from who I was five years ago and even a year ago. And honestly, I like this version of me much better. As our conversation continued, my friend asked me a question. She said, Do you think this feeling has more to do with your mom? And that kind of stopped me, and I wrinkled the big wrinkle on the top of my head because I really hadn't considered it and thought to myself, not really. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized she might be right.

Reclaiming A Shared Space

SPEAKER_00 4:45

I lost my mom unexpectedly. Like most daughters, I assumed there'd be more time. There'd be more birthdays, more holidays, more phone calls, more opportunities to tell her about things happening in my life. And we had an up and down relationship for the majority of our life. But by the end, we had a great relationship. But she was so protected and worried about me. She wanted me to be happy, she wanted me to be safe. She wanted me to have a future that was brighter than my past. And to be perfectly honest with you, I don't think she wanted to die because she was so scared that I would probably not make it on my own. And I know if she were here today, she would still be doing everything possible to remind me that I am loved and that I'm wanted and needed and important. Because that's what moms do. And maybe sometime what feels like loneliness isn't loneliness at all, it's it's still grief. Maybe it's missing the people who loved us before we knew how much we needed them. And wishing you could make one more phone call. Because sometimes the nights are lonely, and when my mom was around, oh I'll call mom and see what she's doing. And maybe it's wanting to tell someone about your day. Mom always wanted to hear about what was going on in our lives. So it's not because you need saving, it's because they mattered. And I think that's an important distinction. Missing someone doesn't mean you're stuck. It doesn't mean you haven't healed. It doesn't mean you're living in the past. It means you love them. And love leaves fingerprints. The problem is that sometimes we confuse remember remembering with living. Remembering is healthy, living there isn't. And I think that's where a lot of people get stuck. They replay the same stories, mistakes, betrayals, disappointments, arguments, regrets over and over and over again. And I don't really find the lesson in it on how to move forward. And every time they look back, they're asking the past to give them a different answer. But the past never changed. It already happened. The lesson is there, the experience is there, the growth is there. But the story is finished. And so many people say to me, You're so brave. And I don't call what I've done bravery. I appreciate it, but I don't think brave is the right word. It's called tenacity. Bravery sounds heroic. Tenacity just sounds honest. Tenacity is getting up when you don't want to. It's rebuilding after everything falls apart. And it's creating a future when nobody hands you a blueprint. Tenacity is deciding that no matter what happened yesterday, you're still going to move forward today. Because looking backward isn't serving me anymore. The lessons serve me. The wisdom serves me. The growth serves me. But replaying the old pain, that doesn't serve me. And I think that's the difference. You can honor your past without living there. You can remember people without becoming trapped in grief. You can appreciate the list lessons without reliving the heartbreak. And that's what I do on the podcast when I give an example of what has happened in the past and what I did and how I'm course-correcting my life to make it a great one. And when you stop carrying the weight of yesterday, you create room for tomorrow. And there's a song by Jordan Davis, and it's called Next Thing You Know. And at the first listen, it sounds like a song about how quickly life moves. But if you really listen, it's about something deeper. It's about how one chapter quick quietly becomes another. You meet someone, you get married, you build a life, you raise children, you grow older. And one day you look around and wonder where the years went. The message isn't to be a be sad about it. The message is to appreciate it. Because life keeps moving, whether we want it to or not. One of my favorite ideas in the song is that life doesn't announce major transitions. It just doesn't send a memoir or ask permission. One day you're planning for the future, and next thing you know, you're living it. And then one day you're looking back at moments you thought would never last. This song reminds me that every chapter eventually becomes a memory. The good ones, the hard ones, the painful ones, the beautiful ones, all of them. And that's exactly why we have to keep moving. Because life doesn't stop. It never has. It never will. The people we love leave their mark,

Grief Disguised As Loneliness

SPEAKER_00 9:34

the relationships teach us lessons, the heartbreak changes us, the victories strengthen strengthen us, the losses humble us, and somehow all of it works together to create the next version of ourselves. So if you're spending too much time looking backward lately, ask yourself one question. What is that memory teaching me today? If the answer is growth, keep it. If the answer is wisdom, keep it. If the answer is gratitude, keep it. But if the answer is simply pain on repeat, maybe it's time to let it go. Not because it didn't na matter, because you've already learned what it came to teach you. Life doesn't move backward, and neither do we. Be kind to yourself. There was something else that happened recently. Someone tried to give me an update about a person from my past. They started telling me what's going on in their life, and before they get very far, I stopped them. I simply said, I don't care. Now years ago, I never would have responded that way. I would have listened, I would have analyzed, I would have gone, tried to check myself, I'd have tried to understand it, I would have spent way too much time wondering what it meant. I probably even would have made a comment. But not anymore. And it wasn't because I was angry, it wasn't because I was bitter, it was because there was a reason I showed that person the door. There was a reason I made the difficult decision to move forward. And there was a reason I chose peace over chaos. And once you've learned that hard to rec to recru the to reclaim your life, you become very protective of it. Don't get me wrong, leaving wasn't easy. In fact, it was one of the hardest things I've done. And how strange is that because I had a 30-year relationship with my husband. It was very hard. It was the most heartbreaking thing I ever went through. But really, this was one of the hardest to reconcile, I guess you'd say. And I think it's because I have incredible attachment issues. I've always been someone who loves deeply, who sees the best in people, who believes people can change, someone who hangs on long after most people would have walked away. And when you combine that with love bombing, you create a very dangerous mix. Because love bombing doesn't feel toxic in the beginning. It actually feels magical. The constant text, the phone calls, what are you doing? It feels like you met someone that finally sees you. Because my ex-husband, oh no. If I texted him, he's like, What do you want, hon? I'm working. So when you have that difference, it is magical. You know, you have someone who understands you, can't get enough of you. Someone who makes someone who makes you feel special, chosen, and important. The in tech attention is intoxicating. The affection is overwhelming. The connection feels extraordinary until one day it just isn't. And that's the part people don't talk enough about. When the relationship ends, you're not just grieving the person, you're grieving the feeling, you're grieving the version of yourself that existed inside that experience. You're grieving the highs and the fantasy. And also you're grieving the future you thought you were building. And that's why leaving can feel so impossible. Not because the relationship was healthy, but because your brain became attached to the emotional cycle. I've read experts compare the experience to addiction. And honestly, that description makes sense to me. Getting over a lump love-balming relationship can feel like withdrawing from something you know is hurting you. Every part of you knows it's wrong and it's unhealthy, yet some part of you craves it. You still miss it and remember the highs, and you still want one more hit of validation, one more text or an apology, or promise, one more moment where everything feels good again. But eventually reality wins. Eventually you realize that peace feels different than excitement. Peace feels different than chaos. Peace feels different than constantly wondering where you stand. And while peace may not give you the same emotional high, it gives you something far more valuable. It gives you consistency, safety, freedom, self-respect. Self-respect. That's why I don't need updates. I don't need to know what they're doing. I don't need to know who they're with. I don't need to know whether they're happy. Because none of that changes why I left. None of that changes what I experienced. None of that changes the life I'm building today. The truth is, moving forward isn't about forgetting. It's about choosing yourself enough times that eventually it becomes normal. It's choosing your future over curiosity. It's choosing your peace over attachment and growth over your history. And sometimes that means saying something very simple. I don't care. And it's not because you're cold or cruel, but because you finally reached a place where protecting your peace matters more than revisiting your pain. And that's not bitterness. That's actually healing. The breakups were actually a few times, and I think the very last time I nearly went absolutely crazy. And I was constantly checking social media and checking all the updates that I could get and snooping around and and then this time around it's like I just made it a pact that I'm not going to do that. And people ask me all the time how I stop checking. You know, how do you stop looking at social media and not wondering what they're doing? How do you stop asking mutual friends for updates and stop replaying conversations in your head? And the honest answer is you don't stop overnight. You stop one decision at a time. The first thing I had to realize was that every time I checked, I was reopening a wound. I wasn't getting closure, healing, getting answers. I was just feeding an attachment, and there's a big difference. Every update feels like information, but most of the time it's actually

Tenacity And Moving Forward

SPEAKER_00 16:13

a distraction. It can keep you connected to a chapter you already decided to leave. The second thing I had to learn was that curiosity isn't the same thing as love. Sometimes we're not missing the person. We're just missing the habit, the routine, the emotional stimulation. We're missing having someone occupy space in our minds. Once I understood that, it became easier to redirect my attention, and really that's a key. It's so funny when I'm here by myself from Monday to Thursday. I love it. I absolutely love it. But Friday, especially last Friday, I was so excited to see everybody. And one by one they came over and visited, and you know, one was saying they're going here, but come see me after I get back. And everyone's saying we're having a fire. Make sure you come over. And it felt so good because the whole winter I was alone, and I needed to be alone to get to the spot where I am right now. And Friday night I was like, I'm so appreciative of you guys because I'm so excited when you come. I said you're just like my family here. You're like my little family, and I'm so excited about it. And we had a fantastic night. We had a lot of laughs, we had a lot of good conversations, people stopped in and laughed, and we had some chats, you know, a lot of people nosing about what's going on in my life, but it was all good. It was all high-spirited, fun laughs. It was just a great, great feeling. So, you know, going back to redirect my attention and looking backwards, it takes me away from the good things that I can anticipate right now. And that's the key. You you can't simply stop checking. You have to start building, you have to replace the habit with something better. And for me, that's anticipating my friends' arrival when they come here on Fridays. And it's also the magazine, it's this podcast, it's new goals, new experiences. The more I invest in my future, the less in interested I became in my past. Another thing that helped was ask myself one question every time I want an update. What will I do with this information? Remember that. The next time you want to know about somebody that's not in your life, ask yourself, what will I do with this information? Think about it. Let's say someone tells you they're happy. Now what? Let's say someone tells you they're struggling. Now what? Let's say they're in a new relationship. Now what? Does any of it change your life? Does it pay any of your bills? Does any of it help you become the person you want to be? Like the answer is no 99% of the time. The information changes nothing. The only thing that changes is your emotional state. And why give someone that kind of power? Another thing that helped me was understanding that healing isn't found in their life, it's found in yours. So many people spend years watching what someone else is doing while completely neglecting their own future. Meanwhile, life is passing by. Dreams are waiting, adventures are waiting, new romance is waiting, friendships are waiting, opportunity are waiting, and you're missing them because you're busy looking through the rear view mirror. And at some point I had to make a choice. Did I want to be a spectator in someone else's story, or did I want to be the main character of my own? Because you can't do both. That is impossible. And as long as you're a spectator in someone else's story, you're stuck in the past. The energy required to build a beautiful life is enormous. A great business doesn't build itself. A healthy body doesn't build itself, and that's what I'm working on now. A meaningful relationship doesn't build itself. A peaceful home doesn't build itself. Their future you're dreaming about requires your attention. You are the driver to your future. And every minute spent checking on someone else's life is a minute you're not investing in your own. The final thing that helped me was this. I stopped asking whether they missed me or they regretted it or whether they changed, and I started asking different questions. What

The Song That Explains Time

SPEAKER_00 21:03

can I create next? What can I do to make me happy? And those check questions changed everything. Can I create a better morning routine, a stronger business, a healthier mindset, a new adventure, a new romance, maybe down the road, new friendship, a new memory, a new version of myself that's worthy of a good man in my life. Because the people who truly move forward aren't the people who get all the answers. They're the people who stop waiting for answers and start building a life they're excited to wake up to. And eventually something beautiful happens. You stop checking. Not because you're forced you're forcing yourself not to, because you're genuinely busy living. And that is when you know you've healed. Not when you stop thinking about them, not when you stop remembering. But when your life becomes more interesting than theirs. And it's so funny. As I'm sitting around here and talking to friends, especially one of my good friends here, and you know, oh yeah, so and so and I did this. That that's fun. Or I remember back in the day, my ex-husband and I did this. Or I talk about mom. And you know, you talk about them in a very fond way, as opposed to a very poisonous way. And I think as you grow and heal, you can do that freely without getting the heebie jeebies trying to be the better person. No, you're just talking freely because you've moved on, and that's part of your past, and you can recognize them fondly rather than talking negatively about them and just pouring poison into your future. Because that's what you're doing. The more you talk about people that are no longer in your life, whether it be an ex, whether it be a friend, you're just fueling poison into future relationships. You've never learned. And I've learned I just don't look back and I don't worry about what other people are doing because I do know that time at the cottage and trying to get through with my life or keep going with my life, it was really good, it was what I needed, but I had to go through all that process to get where I am now. So I can come here fresh at the trailer, even though this started with a relationship. And I get to see the sunset every day if I choose to. I get to see the water every day. I can drive up and down this coast and see many coastlines every day. It is the most beautiful experience. And if I keep living in the past, I'm not gonna appreciate the beauty I have now. So, food for thought. The next time you try to look back or stalk or what have you, just ask yourself, what is this serving me? And how does any of it change my life? So I told you I've been doing these lymph exercises, and they're actually helping. But I have done so much work at the trailer that I'm stiff as anything, and this is crazy. I went to this chiropractor in Park Hill, not far from here, and I was two and a half hours there. Can you imagine two and a half hours at a chiropractor? And he did they did all kinds of tests with different devices and what have you, and then they got me to move and check my movement and what have you as well. And the chiropractor comes in after about an hour and a half of testing, and he's like, Okay, you're not bad. He goes, but you're not great. So he says, You're C2, I think it is on your right side. He says, Have you had a lot of trauma or stress? And I'm like, Oh, Jesus. Yeah, like five, you know, eight years of it. And I said, But I'm slowly coming around. And he said, you know, do you have bouts of depression? Do you sleep well? I'm like, yeah, I really sleep well because I do. And he said, you know, your digestive system, your fatigue. Like, I get I could nap, I could nap, but I don't nap. And he said, the C2 is if it's blocked up or whatever, he stiffened up, whatever, that has to do with mental trauma. And I'm like, oh well, that's very interesting. Just please crack me so I can have some movement. And so, anyways, he cracked me and up there, and that felt great. Like, I feel so good right now, and I'm trying to keep my posture proper. And then he cracked where my hip is because I have bursitis, and that feels great, but I gotta keep moving it, and then he cracked my tennis elbow, and that is zero pain right now, and then he came to my wrist, and he's like, Oh, you type a lot, and he cracked those, and oh my goodness, my body feels great. So I just have to let everyone know that if you're going through things, you know, do things, if you feel those aches and pains, you know, we can spend 80 bucks on a bottle of booze or cigarettes or gambling or a night of the movies, even. But even taking

Refusing Updates From The Past

SPEAKER_00 27:03

that money and doing stuff for yourself really enlightens you and makes your life a little lighter because you're not struggling. I also got a pedicure, and that made my my self-confidence better with wearing sandals. I also bought myself new sandals because my old sandals are really ugly now. And do a little bit for yourself, always put five dollars away a week and try to, even if you have to do that, put it away, and then once you realize that you have enough money to do something for you, go and do it. And the thing is, you also have to live in gratitude. And I want you to try this mantra. I am grateful for where I am. I am grateful for what I have. I am grateful for the people who choose to be part of my life. I am grateful for the lessons I no longer need to repeat. I am grateful for my peace. I am grateful for my freedom. I am grateful for this season, even if it doesn't look exactly how I imagined it would. I do not need to revisit the past to appreciate the present. I do not need anyone's approval to enjoy my life. I do not need anyone to tell me how to live my life. I do not need updates about people who are no longer walking beside me and support me. I do not need to understand everything that happened. I only need to keep moving forward. Today is enough. This moment is enough. This life is enough. And when I stop looking for what is missing, I begin to see everything that is here a coffee on the deck, a laughter of a friend, the sunset over the lake, a good conversation, a grandchild or a child's hug, a new opportunity, a quiet evening, a dream that is slowly becoming reality. The truth is life becomes richer when we start paying attention to it. Not the life we used to have, not the life we thought we'd have, the life we are living right now. Because this moment will become a memory one day, too. And I don't want to miss it because I was busy looking behind me. So today I choose gratitude, I choose peace, I choose present, I choose life, and honestly, you should too. Because overall, it's a pretty good one.