Grew Up in a Weird Family? This Might Be Why You’re Stuck

Ever feel like your childhood came with a free subscription to self-doubt and procrastination? Join me as I battle the fear of recording and discover that maybe, just maybe, it's not all my fault—except the part where I keep overthinking everything.

Transcript

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Okay, whoa, whoa, hold on, stop. If you're thinking about getting out of this video or just clicking to get out, just hold up a second. Because here's what's something I find fascinating is the number of people... who don't know and really don't seem to want to know that they've grown up in a really crappy household, that they grew up in a dysfunctional, messed up family. Because most people are like, and it may be you, who are like, oh no, I had a great childhood. No, it was normal that my dad came home at night drunk out of his mind and beating the dog. Oh no, I think it was absolutely perfect when my mom always spanked me and told me what a loser and I'll never be nothing was. It was just how things were back then or whenever that was. And somehow you took whatever was messed up in your family and you convinced yourself that that's just how things were. And now today you're wondering, why do I procrastinate? Why do I put things off? Why don't I even like myself? Why am I having a hard time having relationships? Why am I having a hard time at work? And I only bring that to you because I want to, if I could go through this microphone and just slap some people sometime, it's like... First of all, and it's partly, it's selfish too, because if you're the one who's been the mean person, I want you to wake up and stop doing it. But this is more focused on you. If you're the person who's like you're in your teens, 20s, 30s, 40s, 70s, 80s, in your entire life, you've been like, what's wrong? Something's wrong. Something's just not right. I've never felt like I fit in. I've never felt like I belong. I never felt I was perfect enough. I don't, partake in hobbies that I like. I've kind of given up on life. You know, this happens for a lot of older people. I've just given up. I don't want to try anything. I don't want to do anything. And what I'm getting at is how we just don't live our lives because of all these fears and doubts and all this stuff that we've gone through to the point where we don't do anything. We're walking corpses in many cases. So last night, my wife said to me, she goes, you know, have you made a video or done a podcast in a while? I said, no, no, I haven't. She goes, you need to. They're really good. And, you know, for a guy who spent his life not liking himself, for a life, you know, for a guy who's most of my life, I just realized that, you know, there is self-hatred and I was just had no confidence in And I was just so stuck. That's a hard thing to hear. That's a hard thing to hear and believe that what you're doing means something to, I don't know, to God, to others, that you actually mean something in this life. And not to get too deep and philosophical. So last night I went off to my room and I jotted down some notes because I got excited. I thought, wow, yeah, she kind of lit a spark. I'm going to write this stuff down. I've got some exciting points. I went to bed. I was excited to go to bed. And today, get up and record something. 8 o'clock, 9 o'clock, 10 o'clock. Dude, just sit down and record something. Oh, it's got to be perfect. I can't think of the right points. Oh, gosh, what was I so excited about last night that I wanted to talk about on a video and say to people? I mean, there's so many people on YouTube, and there's all these people with millions of subscribers and all kind of views and watches and everything. Why would anyone want to hear anything I have to say? Do you ever go through that? Does that ever go through your mind when you try to do anything that you want to do that's important to you? And that's an important distinction, not important to somebody else, not your job, not your family or anything else, but it's important to you that you put off. And have you ever wondered why? So again, if you're at this point in the video and you're ready to take off, you know, can't stop you, hit the button, go, whatever you want to do. But if you have even an inkling or something in the back of your head that says something's not right, You're not getting the success you want because you're quitting everything. You don't pursue stuff. You don't believe in yourself. You grew up in a messed up family. I don't know what else to tell you. So here I am recording this video. I don't know what's going to happen with it. I have absolutely no idea. And in my mind, it's like, well, if it's like the other ones I've recorded, it's not going to go anywhere. No one's going to want to listen to it. Boo hoo, whatever. And a lot of that comes from just not in believing in who you are and what you can do and what you have the potential for. So I'm doing this anyway. I don't know what's going to happen with this. Not sure I really care. But a lot of it has to do with fear. A lot of it has to do with, for us who grew up in that kind of family environment, you're afraid of what your family will think. Can you believe that? Whether, again, if you're in your teens, early adulthood, midlife, late life, whatever, I have a mother-in-law who's still at the age of 79, still lives like she's 10 years old in her family house, still eating everything off her plate because she's, you know, because that's what she was told and everything. Still afraid. These people have been dead for decades. And you can see it in her. You can see just, she's just got, they've got this stranglehold on, stranglehold of her, of how she's supposed to eat and behave and what she can do and not do and what she's afraid of and what she's not afraid of. So I don't want that for you. And especially if you're younger, catch on this now. And if you're not, if you've, it's going to be easier for adults if you've left the house and you're on your own doing these kind of things. But would you please just take a moment and go, if there's something going on in your head, you're like, man, something's just not right. Consider the possibility that you're treated like garbage as a child when you're growing up. You know, maybe just a little throwaway candy wrapper garbage, or maybe you were like a full barrel of trash garbage that had been taken out that your family assigned you to, right? Especially if you're like a scapegoat where everyone in your family, you were the garbage. You were the one that they pointed to whenever there was anything wrong. Well, our family's perfect if it wasn't for Mark. Well, there's Mark. He's just different. We just kind of write him off, right? And they don't want the family secrets, and they don't want the dysfunction of the family called out. They don't want the embarrassing moments to go out. There's this incredible pride that says, oh, we've just got to be perfect. You ever meet up with someone like that or hear that in your family? It's like... Not so loud. We don't want people here. Oh, that's too personal. Let's not talk about that. You get shut down over and over and over again because people don't want to talk about anything. They don't want you to embarrass anybody. So after a while, your conversation is, please pass the broccoli. How about those Detroit Lions? They're doing really well. Oh boy, look at the financial markets. Aren't they great? Do you go home to family get-togethers like that, where you're made to feel like it's all your fault, everything's your fault, and they're just not going to talk to you? And there's things in a family dynamic called lost child and golden child and scapegoat and black sheep and all those great terms you hear, and they're cute psychological terms, blah, blah, blah. But there's nothing cute when it applies to you, when the ideas apply to you. Like if you're what's called a lost child, you grew up in a family... Where the best thing for you to do is to shut your mouth and just stay out of the way. Don't upset mommy. Don't upset daddy. Don't, you know, don't cross any lines or boundaries. Just basically get lost. Okay? Because it was only safe when you were lost, when no one was paying attention to you or, you know, because you didn't want to get in trouble. You don't want that kind of attention. But then you got no attention. If you try to do something, there's no praise, there's no congratulations, there's no encouragement, there's no guidance, there's nothing. It's almost like you came out in the world and someone felt bad about having you, but oh well, we've got the kid, guess we've got to feed and clothe this kid now. So there's that aspect, there's that aspect where people just kind of circle the wagons and they made sure you knew that you were the one who was screwed up or messed up. So now here you are, Again, whatever age you are and you don't know why, you just, gosh, I don't do things. I don't start things. I put things off. I don't follow through. I don't finish things. Well, gee, shocker. It's because when you're growing up, it's like no one cared if you did or didn't. But if you screwed up, if you got out of line, boy, did you hear about it. You got it, right? You got smacked upside the head. So come back full circle to what I'm going through. I was just recording this. What I hear before I hit that record button is, don't mess up, don't screw up, don't say something stupid. What will people think? And here's the hilarious part. A lot of that my entire life was, don't upset the family. Even when I wasn't physically there, I was out of the state. Don't upset the family. Don't say things that are embarrassing. Don't get them mad at you. And yet, I got to tell you, I spent a good part of my life, I was probably away from my family for a good 20, 30 years, and they would just not talk to me at times. My dad would just, who knows why, would just be upset with me. You know, I remember one time he came to visit with my mom, and he just, he gets this look on his face, like someone who drank a bottle of vinegar spritzed with lemon juice. It just doesn't say anything. It just clamps up. So I found out in my family, the way that they all punished each other and still do is by just not talking to each other. By getting mad, right? They'll either get mad or they'll send a nasty gram or a nasty note or a nasty letter, nasty email, and then they don't talk to you. In fact, it was interesting. I heard not too long ago that my father's aunt, when she died, I guess, actually in the will, in the will, It said, don't tell Phil that I died, right? Because, I mean, talk about holding a grudge. And, you know, I wonder why I hold grudges. I still get bitter and angry at this point in my life. It's like, gee, shocker. Talk about being in the DNA, right? And the word was that the aunt wasn't invited to some celebration or party for my younger sister. For whatever reason, she wasn't invited and whatever. And so that ticked her off for, you know, how many decades? Fast forward, we're in 2025. I had lived around family for a few years and then took my wife after, not an altercation, but there was some bad, some things happened. So I moved and I changed my phone number, but I made sure they had my address. They've got my email. I've had my email for over 20 years. And I have not heard from a single person in my family for over two years. I didn't do anything wrong to the best of my knowledge or ability. It was something that another sibling did. And so they all circled the wagons. They made sure that they were the good buddies, good group, everything. Kind of kicked us both in the derriere and said, hey, don't let the door hit you on the way out. So here we are. So why am I telling you all this? Because if you are at a point in your life where you're just not, where you're stuck and you're just like, man, what is going on? It may very well be. It's because all the garbage that's in your head from the people who put it there. And the worst part is it may not even be the stuff they said out loud. It's stuff they didn't say. It was just in the air. And if you go back and think about it, and I'm not suggesting you go live in your childhood forever and you just sit there and mope around and everything. I tell you that to go back and fix this garbage. And fix it now. Because the longer you wait to fix it, the more those who put that into your... either knowingly or unknowingly, on purpose or not on purpose, just because they didn't know or because that's how they were raised, whatever. But the longer that garbage stays with you and controls your life, the longer that those people have control over you. You may want to go out and play a music instrument. Like, oh, I can't. That's not very practical. You know, don't make money doing it. You might want to go out and get some kind of college degree that just like... man, I've always wanted to be like a creative writer. I want to go get a creative writing degree and, I don't know, maybe teach and write and everything like that, right? And you're just like, oh, no, what do you hear in your head? Oh, that's stupid. That's not practical. How many more stories do you have to hear about the family that the parents wanted the child to be a doctor or a, you know, I don't know, brain surgeon or something, you know, huge, and the kid gets in, does exactly what their parents want, And then they wonder why a couple years into college, they're just miserable. They hate themselves. They hate their life, and they don't want to keep going, right? Because you're living somebody else's life. Look, they've already had a chance to live their life, okay? You weren't put here to live a life for somebody else. You were here to live your life as God put you here to live, right? If you're just a carbon copy of somebody else, if you're just a robot for somebody else, then what's the point? I mean, if you want to and you want to be that way, I mean, God bless you. Go do it. But if you're looking for that meaning, if you want to know why every single day you feel yourself attracted to something you want to do, it's something that's very quiet. I want to learn a foreign language. And the louder voice is, well, that's stupid. Why do that? Do you know it's okay to actually do things and learn things and try things just because? They don't have to have a purpose. They don't have to have some kind of function. They don't have to make money. And I'm saying that to you because I am still at a point where I'm like, in my head, I still hear that voice. Why are you doing that? That's not very, that's not right. Why don't you do what we're all doing? Why don't you be more like us? Why would you want to be like people who have been just jerks to you most of your life, if not your entire life? Why do you want to be like people who have gone nowhere, who are going nowhere, who are nasty people? In many cases, just incredibly nasty people. And yet you're still concerned and worried that they may not like you or they may give you the silent treatment. I got to be quite honest with you. Being given the silent treatment has probably been the best thing that's ever happened to me. Because now I finally know where I stand with my family. I finally know what they think about me, okay? And if the only way to get back into their good graces is to break that silence and go in and then get more abuse, that's not an option. That's not happening, right? I was talking to my wife. I said, man, I should probably, you know, maybe I should just call. Maybe I just call and see. I thought, what in the world would I even say, right? Is it small talk? How are you doing? How is everything? How's the weather out there? When you know the real issue is so much deeper than that, so much more painful than that, do you try and reconcile and make it work after you've tried for decades? I've written to my father. I've written apology letters. I've said, hey, I'm sorry, whatever, blah, blah, blah. Dead silence. Nothing. We don't talk about things like that. We don't talk about emotions. We don't talk about difficult topics. Please pass the butter. Oh, and by the way, don't put onions in my potatoes when you make them, okay? All right, so again, I've made the video. I've done what I wanted to, what I set out to do. I'm putting it in God's hands, whatever he wants to do with it. Great. I just hope that if you're one of those people who you know there's something inside of you that has to get out that you want to do, that you want to be, I just hope that God can use me to help you with that, that he can use me to say there's something you can do about that. I've got to tell you one of my biggest pet peeves, if you care, and if you're still watching this video, is people who do absolutely nothing with their lives. And I don't mean becoming an astronaut or anything huge. I mean nothing. Like, if you know something's messed up and you do nothing about it, I mean, it might make you feel good, but think about the people around you who have to live around you. Let's say you're just an incredible narcissist. And you find these some days like, wow, I realize I'm just kind of this way. And you keep doing that, you're a pain in the butt for everybody you're around. Nobody likes you. No one wants to be around you. And what you do is you still keep using your talents as a narcissist to control and use other people. So one, if you're the jerk who is a jerk and you do nothing about becoming less of a jerk, I don't know what to tell you. I don't want to be around you. I hope nobody else wants to be around you. And I hope you... end up being lonely until you figure out what's going on. And if you're the person on the other side of the jerk who's the target and you're still, after years and years, taking it, stop it. And believe you me, as someone who's gone through this for many, many years, when I say stop it, it's a first step. It is only the first step. You don't just get up one day after going through abusive relationships and dysfunctional relationships Dysfunctional relationships, at work, at home, with family, any of that. You don't just get up one day and stop it. It's a lot of work. And if you're the kind of person who, like, ah, it's just too much work. If you love the pain you're in, if you love that people walk all over you, if you love that people know how to manipulate your emotions and even your thoughts to some degree, if you like that, I don't know, keep doing it. But don't complain to other people and don't hurt other people because you've decided not to do anything about that. So that when you are 70, 80, maybe 90, and you're sitting around and you're lonely and you're just sitting there waiting to die, I mean, if that's the course you want to be on, be there. I know people like that. I know people who gave up. Absolutely gave up. They're still living in the pain and trauma of being a child, even 70s, 80s, and 90s. and make life miserable for other people, the people that are around. So there you go. Out into the cosmos. I just created this recording. If you're the person who made it this far, if you're still listening, God bless you. If you want, you know, if you ever think you're alone, you're not, okay? I'm making a video telling you you're not alone. So you're not alone, okay? So just get that crap out of your head. But even better, more optimistic is there's something you can do about it if you want to. And if people around you are like, you know, if they're poo-pooing you, it's like, man, I really do got to go. I got to talk to someone, a therapist, a priest, a confidant, someone. And they're trying to embarrass you or put you down. Man, make a stand and just say, you know what? You know, I'm sorry. This is for me. This is for me to take care of me to get out of the pain that I may be in or am in. This is for me to actually finally put a name to what's been going on so that I can do something about it. So this is for you. And again, maybe on how you grew up, you may not think that you're allowed to do stuff for you. But I'm telling you, I'm giving you permission to do it. So please, take a step. I made the recording. It's up to you now to take a step, okay? And I hope you do because God is with you. I'm with you. And believe it or not, there's a ton of people who are with you. There's a ton of people who also, though, are in this incredible pain and frustration, don't know it, won't admit to it. So if you know that's where you are and you're taking a step, then you're on the right track. And just pray for all those people who don't. But there's a lot of mean, nasty people out there who just love for you to not change, to stay the way you are if you're in this pain or if you're in this distress. They're people who love that. They feed on that. Again, they're in your family. They're at work. They're in society. They're all over the place. They would love to just kick you, drop kick you to the curb, right? Because one, they're cowards. They can't deal with their own stuff. So it's easier to just come down hard on you. So if that's how you want to keep living, Great. More power to you. But please don't complain when other people do that to you. Because they're going to do it to you. They can sniff us out a mile away. Trust me. I've been duped more times than I even want to count. But it's getting better. And I'm getting stronger. And I know you can too. Follow along. I'll keep making videos. And if people are out there to watch them, and if God wants to touch somebody with it, great. But I'm just putting in the action. And I hope, if nothing else, you put in the action. Okay? All right. Thanks.