Speak Your Truth! (Just not THAT truth)

Ever feel like you’re the only one who remembers what actually happened at Thanksgiving '98? You’re not crazy, you’re just surrounded by people who prefer their truth pre-sanitized and gift-wrapped. In this episode, we take a stroll through family image management, workplace gaslighting, and the fine art of being the inconvenient truth-teller. Warning: May cause spontaneous laughter, uncomfortable self-awareness, and a sudden urge to yell, “I knew it wasn’t just me!”

Transcript

Isn't it weird that when you have a memory, or a take on on family stuff, that it's it's just not true that you know, other family members will kind of look at you and they're like, well, that's not how I remember it, or I don't remember that happening the way you do, and it makes you start to question your sanity, because you start thinking it's like, well, maybe it didn't happen that way, or maybe I don't remember this the right way, or maybe I really am crazy. Or maybe, you know, was i Snorting too many Pez candies that day? Or, you know, too much sugar, probably. But I think the real issue here is that you start to wonder about your own truth, your own sense of reality, or your own sense of the way you you sense things, and if you can actually trust those things, and I think you get caught up a lot of times, and it could be at family, it could be a work. It could be Church of people whose truth is better than yours, whose truth is more accurate than yours, whose truth is the only truth, and you better subscribe to it, otherwise you're the one who's a little bit crazy. So when it comes to family, there's a family narrative, I think there's a fan there's a common held beliefs, or, you know, that are held in common. These are things we believe about ourselves. This is the narrative. We're a wonderful family. Everything's great. We all get along wonderfully, and we've had a few scuffles in the past, but we're one united, incredible group. And it's not so much about truth as it is about image, because when you tell yourself that as a family when everything's just all right there, there's no chance for diving into, you know, problems or issues or things that are uncomfortable. I think a lot of families maybe, maybe yours is, you know, maybe just uncomfortable. They're uncomfortable with emotions and feelings and things that they can't really process or things that they just don't want to admit, like, maybe I really did do something really crappy to a, you know, son, daughter, brother, sister, mom, dad, whatever. Okay, so if you bring it up, it gets people all riled up inside. They don't want to deal with it. So what do you do instead? Oh, everything's okay. Let's just have a drink and let's, you know, I don't know. Let's just, let's just go on because nothing really happened, okay? And that stuff just builds up, but the narrative is that everything is wonderful when it's not, and so issues don't get dealt with. Problems don't get dealt with. You know, if someone's having a hard time with somebody else in the family, it just doesn't get dealt with. It gets swept under the rug, or somebody gets angry, and that's the end of it, and we shut up and we move on. But the image of the family has to remain intact, because people don't want they don't want people on the outside to think they're bad or that there's something really wrong with their family. And it's just really weird because, you know, instead of just being honest, like, hey, there's a, you know, we had a we had a little dust up. So and so got mad at so and so, and there's some yelling, yeah, that's, you know, it happens. We dealt with it. Oh, we can't say, oh no, everything's perfect, everything's rosy, everything's wonderful. It's now amazing, it's all good. So, if you're the one who brings it up, if you're the one who says, You know what? Gosh, this was kind of uncomfortable. Hey, I didn't, I didn't like this, or hey, this. I was really scared when this happened. It's like, whoa, whoa, tiger, whoa. Was that an emotion? Is that a feeling? We don't talk about those in our family. Okay? So you're automatically, automatically the weird one, because if you dare bring up things that are uncomfortable. You chances are you get shut down or pushed out, because most people just don't want to deal with that stuff. And I don't know why, just, you know, for a healthy relationship, if you're, you know, if you're in a marriage, especially or close relationships with people, I thought the whole idea was to talk things out. Was to, you know, have those tough conversations, and a lot of times you can have those, you cannot have those conversations because it's not comfortable, and there's a lack of trust, there's a lack of, maybe respect for one another. And so you just, you kind of get shut down. So you just, you learn that it's better just shut up, be quiet, as I like to say, you know, sit down and shut up. Or a lot of us grew up with the, you know, that adage of children are being seen, not heard, right? So you have this hurt child inside who just wants to speak up and say, Hey, there's something, something's not right here. I want to fix this. It's just like, you know, shut up. We're not even going to talk about it. So, you know, I don't know, maybe you're dealing with that or or having those issues, because it spills out into other areas of your life too, if you don't feel comfortable in your family talking about things or getting to the heart of things, and if there's not a mutual respect, if there's not a respect for a family member, and they're basically told to shut. Up, you're not going to say anything. And that carries over into work. So now you go to work, you know, you go to work and they say, Oh, we're when you join us, your family, it's like, oh, heaven help us, please. No, because in that dynamic, then you go to you now you go to work and you say, I've got a great idea. We're going to, you know, or, or worse, worse, when you see a project being done, you're like, Okay, this, this is not cool. Something's wrong here. I don't know. I better say something, Oh, you're so negative, you're such a curmudgeon, you're so cranky, you're such a melancholic. You're just a, you know, sour, sour faced little guy, blah, blah, blah. So after a while, you just don't want to say anything. You just and you don't say anything, and you just kind of sit there, either stewing in your own juices, or you're forced to smile. You don't want to smile, and you just get along. But you know, after a while, there people just your truth is the wrong truth. It's an inconvenient truth. It's an uncomfortable truth. And it's not that because you're something great and special you are, but it's that people don't want to hear things that they don't want to hear. People don't want to hear things that makes them have to look in the mirror or look inside, or take an honest look at something. And pride gets in the way pride says, especially at work, oh, this is my project, best project in the world. It's like, well, this piece here doesn't really fit, and here's why it may be tweaking. Or something like, oh, how dare you. How dare you. You know, there's nothing worse in a work environment where they tell you they want your best ideas, and they want feedback and they want you to we've got an open door policy coming at any time. It's the last thing they want and it's the last thing or they'll let their they'll look at you like you're crazy. I had a friend from an old job I was at. He talked about this lady who wrote this email to the head marketing guy just like, oh, this, you know, however she phrased it, it was just a, you know, bad idea. Whatever his response, the response of the marketing manager was, thanks for your opinion. That, to me, is just a sign of a narcissist, too. If you want to get go down that whole track, you know, oh, my idea is the best. Everything I do is wonderful only I can do what I can do, and all you plebes down there, you mean nothing to me at all that kind of stuff. That stuff happens in families. It happens at church, unfortunately. Okay, I'm getting off track here. So back to the family, right? Okay, so it's like I said, I think it's more about image. And I've had several people in my life like that. I had one significant other who, if we were outside and I raised my voice, oh, keep your voice down. We don't want other people to hear it's about image. It's you don't want other people to think that there's something not perfect about your relationship, your family, whatever it is, and it just can't get out, you know, God forbid if it gets out into the public, but at the same time, God forbid if it gets out in the family, because then it has to be dealt with. And a lot of times, the best way to deal with it is just to get rid of the offending member or shut that person down. So I think overall, the family will drink the Kool Aid. They'll just say we, you know, over time, they just believe it all. They just believe it to you know, there can never be any problems with our family. Everything's wonderful. We all get along so well. Look at how we just, we hug and kiss. It's just, everything's wonderful. We all love each other, but you know, it's crap. You know, you see the interactions. You see people, you know, how they deal with each other, and you see the issues are sitting right there, and nobody wants to touch them. They don't want to even look at them. And that's the scariest part. And if you're that person who either calls it out or you express some skepticism, it's like, man, it's you know, yeah, I don't remember things that way. Things were a little different. Oh man, heaven help you. You're gonna get the you're gonna get the kibosh and the size 10 boot and the fanny out the door. But I think over time, you get tired of pretending. You get tired of pretending everything's okay. You get tired of shoving your emotions and feelings down. You get tired of looking at people who are trying to tell you that everything is wonderful and peachy when it's not and it's really sad when you can't have those honest conversations to get, you know, to build healthy relationships, if you go into your, you know, like a family get together, or any kind of thing with family, and you feel you have to shut up and be quiet. You feel that there are what they call them, guardrails or boundaries or things you just, you just can't talk or do anything about that. So then, what do you do? Well, you sit there and pretend everything's wonderful, and you go along. Wrong with it all. And I think after a while, most people get tired of that, because you're just pretending. You're faking. And I don't know, maybe there's a lot of people who like that. They don't mind faking it through life, faking it through relationships, like everything's wonderful without just, you know, trying to deal with it, deal with the issue, deal with the matter. What's going on. How do we how do we take care of this relationship? And that's the other thing you have to ask yourself, maybe the relationship isn't I don't know. Maybe it's something you may not want. Maybe it's not worth saving, if you're always, constantly in a position where you're not allowed to express your truth, or your truth isn't right, your truth isn't valid. If there's something wrong with you, or there's you know, people are angry. Oh, you're you're lying about this. You're lying about that. It's like, I'm not lying about that. This is my experience. This is my truth. This is how I saw it. And no one seems to have curiosity about what your truth is, or why it is that way, or why you're feeling that way. And what's even worse, even if they do express interest, and they do find out nothing's going to happen with it. And you've experienced this over and over and over again, because if you spent any time in your life working on yourself, if you are, if you are a genuine person of goodwill, and you are struggling in this life to overcome your faults, overcome your sins, overcome the things that are just, you know, things that need to be improved on. Right? The Bible says that the violent when it comes to heaven, though, it's the violent who carry it away. What that means is those who do violence to themselves, who overcome those faults and shortcomings and dark spots about them. They're the ones who get heaven. They're the ones who are working in life to overcome those things, and they're the ones who are really trying hard to be better people and everything. I think the vast majority of people aren't even on that road. They're on the road the wide road, the road that's easy, that gets them everywhere. Watch the news. Watch the news for 10 minutes about people who just do what everyone else is doing. Watch the rioters, watch people throwing stuff at cars and stuff. It's like, do you really feel that passionate about X, Y or Z issue that you're burning buildings, looting stores, blowing up cars, or is it because that's kind of what everyone else is doing? You know, are you at work going along with all the project projects, and just saying yes, because that's what everyone else is doing, just to get along and just to float along with that current I'm not saying to be a rebel, to be a you know, for for rebels sake. But if you know something's right, if you know something's wrong, you got to act accordingly. And it's no different that when it comes to again, family, work, church, wherever you are, that your truth is valid. Your truth, how you see the world, how you experience the world, is is not more or less valid than anybody else's truth. And for someone to look at you and say, well, that's not true. That's a lie. That's not how I see it. That's not how it happened. That's not how I remember it at all. Oh, you must, you know who knows what? What goes on after a while, you say to yourself, what's wrong with me? How could it not be true? I know it. I'm going crazy. I must be going nuts today. I saw it this way. So you get tired of pretending, because you know, after a while, in your gut, in your soul, in your heart, you know what you saw, you know you went what you went through, but you know what your experience was, you know what what you felt? And a lot of people, I think, are just afraid to feel anything or have any emotions, but if you're, if you're the kind of person, like, Man, I really felt horrible when this happened. Hey, I felt really happy when this happened, or when I had this interaction with a person, or whatever, and you're not allowed to express that. If you're not allowed to say without being, you know, made fun of or put down or anything. If you're around those kind of people that make you feel that way, you got to make some decisions. Do you try hard, really hard, to fit in, or you Be true to yourself and just be in honor. That honor what the person God has made you. I think about the the story of the Emperor. Close, excuse me, and if I remember correctly, if you ever read the story, it's about these shysters who are going to make some clothes for the Emperor, and they have to keep getting more money to buy more materials and everything. But all materials are invisible, and they're so amazing that you know they're making these clothes, and they just say, well, trust us, these are beautiful clothes. It's like only, what do they say? Like only the stupid or the foolish can't see, can't see the clothes. So nobody wants to be embarrassed and say, Well, I can't, I can't say that this Emperor is he doesn't have any clothes on, right? So then I'll, oh, I'll be the fool. I'll be stupid. So there's a big parade, and the Emperor's marching down, you know, bare butt, naked, and it's a child who looks and said, Emperor's not wearing any clothes. Yes, but all these people, all these people are just pretending and going along with it and going with the flow one because they don't want to be they don't want other people to think they're stupid. They don't want other people to think less of them. But collectively, they're all morons, right? Absolute idiots, and that's the kind of group they all want to be a part of. I wish there was a second part of that story to see what happened to that kid after the story, like, did his parents beat him? Did they ostracize him? Did they kick him out of town, burn him at the stake? How dare you call this out? How dare you, you know, say what was true? Isn't that really what happens in life, for the most part, the people who tell the truth, the people who have actually look and say, No, this, this is, this is what's happening. They're the ones who get kicked out of town. They're the ones who get hurt, punished, you know, killed, whatever you look at all the wars and tyrants and everything, they'll do anything to protect the lie. They'll do anything to protect really uncomfortable truth. So I'm just saying, if you're in that position where you're just, you're just wondering if your truth is true, yeah, yes, it is. You're not crazy, you're not you're not a nut job, whatever, but you got to stand up for for what you know to be true. You have to stand up and say, I know this is true. I know this happened, but it's true for me, and I think that's my other point. Is you what's true for you may not be what's true for somebody else.
So understand that too, is that your your truth is, in many times, many ways, is unique to you, just like truth is unique for other people. So if they've had a different experience than you, it's it's up for you to it's up to you to have that, maybe empathy, compassion the listening ear say, Oh, really, that's what happened to you? Oh, okay, well, that's an interesting perspective, so don't let people turn that around on you and say, well, that's not true. It is true. Here's what happened, here was the conversation. Here's what I heard. Here's how I felt after all that. And if people won't even look at you and acknowledge that that's a possibility, or to just, you know, stop for a second. Say, Well, I don't agree with that. But, you know, you can't even say that. You can't say I agree with it. If that's what happened to a person. Okay, let's go back to the family, if, if you, if you have a brother who's your best friend in the whole world, then those interactions are probably gonna be you're gonna have some great memories. We did some great things together, and we had great conversations, blah, blah, blah. But if you're maybe the sister to that brother, and he treated you, you know, horribly. You know, for whatever reason, you were just not your truth is that it was not a good child, it was not wonderful, it was not good conversations. I think he hated me. He treated me so horribly. So then look at that person and say, well, that's not true. That's just that's I think your memory is false. It is true, it happened. So accept your truth, embrace your truth, and don't let people take that away from you. Don't let people tell you that there's something wrong with you, that you're broken. And then if you don't get with the program and have the truth that we all want you to have, then goodbye. Okay, then, then we don't want you around. We don't even want to talk to you, okay? So I want to encourage you to really believe in that. And if you have to be part of a group, any group that is asking you or telling you to change what you know is true, then you better start rethinking some of those groups and those connections and everything, because if you have to spend your life pretending that things are the aren't the way they are, or if you spend, you know, spend your life smiling and just going along and everything, that's a crappy way to spend a life. So just remember your your truth is yours. You're not crazy, you're not broken. Your truth is valid, and their truth is not better than your truth, and vice versa. So I don't know. I hope that helps, and have a great day. God loves you. God bless you, and we'll talk to you soon.