S4E2: The Let them Theory - The Let them Theory

Let Them. Let Me. (And Why You Need Both)

What if the problem isn’t your goals, your discipline or even your situation?

What if it’s the energy you’re spending trying to control things you never could?

In this episode, we break down the core of The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins – and why two simple phrases might change how you experience your entire life.

We talk about:

• why trying to control other people is an illusion (and a drain)
• how “let them” creates space instead of stress
• why “let me” is the part most people forget
• and how these two together shift you from reaction → intentional action

We also explore real-life situations – from relationships to business decisions – where this shift makes all the difference.

Because “let them” alone can make you passive.
And “let me” alone can make you overwhelmed.

But together? That’s where the real change happens.

This is where the work actually begins.

📚 Book: The Let Them Theory

📚 Chapter: The Let them Theory 

___________________________________________________________

👯 Hosts: Sofia Stigendal & Marielle Almquist
🎧 Editing: Elmer Hermansson
📲 Follow us on Instagram & TikTok @bookbright_podcast
— and don’t hesitate to reach out with your reflections and thoughts.

BookBright: Review, Rethink & Rewrite your story – one book at a time!

Get a book brief for each episode: https://bookbrightpodcast.com/bookbrief 

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

In the era of personal development, it's equally important not to get stuck on let me, let me set the boundaries, let me fix my nervous system, let me do all these different things without actually letting go of the control of other people. Because I think people could be as much confused if you only focus on like the let them, as she says in the book, you get a bit isolated. But I think that if you focus only on let me, you will be overwhelmed.

SPEAKER_00 0:35

Open a page, unlock your mind, grow a little brighter, one book at a time. Stories that change you wisdom and dick. Welcome to Book Bright, your personal growth fix.

SPEAKER_01 1:09

We don't just read books, we live them. One chapter at a time. We're Sophia and Marielle. Two suites, imperfect English included, balancing kids, dogs, and business life while diving into international bestsellers. And here's the thing: the book on your nightstand won't change your life until you do something with it. That's why we're here. To unpack, apply, and sometimes stumble our way through the ideas together. On the road to making it applicable, this is personal development. Lived out loud.

SPEAKER_00 1:47

Open a page, unlock your mind. Grow a little brighter, one book at a time. Stories that change you, wisdom that sticks. Welcome to Book Bright, your personal growth face.

SPEAKER_01 2:06

Hey there, Marielle. Hello, Sophia. Are you good today? I am good. I am fine, thank you. And uh I don't know. Let's just skip the chit-chat.

SPEAKER_02 2:18

Yes, straight to the juice. Straight to the juice. Let's go to share our wins. And yeah, I can start. Beautiful. Yes. Alright, so I have this win, you know. For um like a month ago, I was on this uh you 10-day silent retreat. You remember that?

SPEAKER_01 2:38

Yeah, yeah, my god, the longest 10 days of my life. Yeah, I couldn't talk to you. Never mind you being silent all the time. I didn't have you to talk to, so okay.

SPEAKER_02 2:50

Sorry, yeah. I was not appointed. So on this on this retreat, I we were like closed from the outside world. So I didn't have my phone in 10 days. Yeah. And it was so liberating uh to detox from the social media and the phone and so on. And my win this week is that I am I have been really good to put the phone down and to be, you know, present with my family and my kids. I have been really worked on that, and I don't feel like I need to sit with a phone because the phone with social media, it takes so much energy, and it's like in your head all the time, and yeah, you you are it it takes so much energy, and it's like I'm so sorry for my words right now. It's it's messing up and fucking up your head more than you even know. Yeah, I have really realized that, and it feels so good, yeah. So good.

SPEAKER_01 3:54

That's a huge win. I mean, not only social media on that phone, you have access to the whole world and the news and everything, and a text and whatnot. I mean, just picking up that phone is like getting lost in a Bermuda triangle of information and not connecting with your the the persons who are in the same room. Yes, right.

SPEAKER_02 4:20

So that's a huge win. That's a huge win for you, yes. And I just oh, I love it. So and I know that you are you're really good at that because you have this time on your time managing on your apps, yeah. And so um, and that's so I'm not good at it, but I have made the device work for me.

SPEAKER_01 4:41

Yeah, because I'm not good at it. That's why I got the app because I had I didn't have like the willpower. It was like just picking up the phone all the time, like it suddenly it's just in your hand. Like, what's it doing there?

SPEAKER_02 4:56

Yeah, you it from the moment to the other, you're just scrolling around in like the social media flows and looks at puppies and stuff and just why puppies.

SPEAKER_01 5:08

I'm here again, why? Yeah, looping, yeah. But that's a huge win. Yes, good for you. Yes, good, and the thing with this this um focusing on the wins, it makes it so that you know, next week I I guess that when you pick up the phone, you're more like, wait a minute, last week I was this person that didn't pick up this phone because you have sort of mentally imprinted it that that was a win that you didn't use the phone, right? Yes, so I I'm guessing that by like sort of lifting it up, it makes it easier to be consistent in that sort of person, maybe.

SPEAKER_02 5:53

Yes, I don't know, yes, yes, because you more you are aware of it, you better you you get and and the the effect of this is also it's like a more win. Um it you know, it's so much when I am so right here right now with the family and the kids, they are so calm. It has been a really huge impression of the whole family.

SPEAKER_01 6:20

Oh, like a domino effect, sort of. It's so that's awesome. That's awesome. So I guess it always also makes it easier for everyone else not to be on their phones or their devices and to be more like present because someone is present. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 6:41

Awesome. Thank you. Yes, so that's my win. And what's your win for this week?

SPEAKER_01 6:47

Um, my win is like you know that we always want to sort of go through life and sort of share our learnings with our kids or teach them stuff that will make it easier for them and stuff like that, and that sometimes backfires, sort of, and it doesn't always get imprinted like you want it to, and stuff like that. But this week I had this like golden situation with my middle kid, and where it was like a perfect teaching moment, but it was also I'm so proud of him and how he sort of put things together. So let's just uh set the scenario. We're set we're eating dinner and we're eating spinach soup, which is not my middle kid's favorite dinner, it's not the greatest dinner of all time for him. Uh so he's sort of sulky and sort of like, okay, I don't really want to eat this. And he's sort of like just sitting there with a spoon, putting like the spinach soup around in the bowl, you know? Yeah. Uh and his father, who who's made the dinner, he's like, Well, try it, just take some. Come on, do it, you know, stuff like that. And then, um, and then my but he doesn't eat, he doesn't really eat. Uh, and then my my husband, he's finished, and he goes to do something, and he says that to the two youngest kids, he says that could you put out the dishes from the dishwasher uh when you're finished with dinner? And then here's my win. My middle kid, he looks at his dad and he says, Well, yes, but you know what? If I eat not one, but two bowls of the soup, and if me and my brother, we not only take the the dishes out of the dishing washing machine, dishwasher, the dishwasher, the washing machine, that would be so strange, um from the dishwasher, but we also put in um like the dirty ones and get it going. Could you go outside with us then and have like a snowball fight, even though it's really late? And you could see, like, my husband was like, you know, he was caught off guard and he was like, Well, how can I say no to this, right? This is impossible to say no to. So you had to say yes. So he said, Yes, okay, yeah, we'll do that. And this is where I turned to my son and I was like, You know what you just did? You made your father an irresistible offer. This is how you move the needle in your direction, this is how you get things done that you are excited for. This is how you sell stuff if you want to sell stuff. You just made him an irresistible offer because you did stuff that doesn't cost you that much, but they were of great, huge value to your father, and that's why you got what you wanted. Wow, yeah, wow, that's amazing, and it was so much fun because you could really see like all the like the machinery in his head was like turning and like, hmm, like a defining moment of ah, I just cracked some sort of code here, right? Yes, and it was so much fun that my win is that he actually did that, but also that I was present enough to be able to put a word to it, yeah, so that maybe that is something that he will remember later on, not just a situation that sort of you know fades, but this was something. Wow, that's a that was my win leadership for your kids, yeah. I was I'm really I'm really I'm really happy about that moment for and you teach my kids to do the same. I don't know how he got there, so I'm not taking credit for that. I don't know how he got there. I just am proud that I was there to witness it and to sort of you know point to what he actually was doing. So just so now that you're so present, you will be there when they do that. Yes, exactly.

SPEAKER_02 11:27

Well, I was thinking oh, you were present, yeah, present in the moment, present in the moment, that's where the gold is. Yes, wow, it was a great thing, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:42

It was really great. That's a huge win. Yeah, it's a huge win. Like, yeah, I'm so I'm so happy.

SPEAKER_02 11:51

Yes, I understand that it's a huge win for your role as a mom.

SPEAKER_01 11:56

Yeah, to be able to be that present that I am actually there to give the teachings when it's happening rather than being the theoretical thing and saying, you know what, if you want to make a successful case of something, you should do this and this. Yeah, like that wouldn't that has nothing to do with anything that they're doing at the moment. No, um, and I mean yeah, okay, so let's not stay there, but it was amazing. Wing that was amazing, amazing, yes, we really love this amazing stuff. Oh, yes, we do. Thank you again to Joseph McClendon the third. Okay, before we go all gaga on Joseph, uh, because we can um let's um let's do some summarizing and actual actual book discussion. Okay. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 12:54

Chapter one and two them and chapter one and two.

SPEAKER_01 12:59

Yeah, exactly. So as we have said before, we're sort of uh making the episodes by the themes of this book. So the first theme is the let them theory, which um uh it contains of uh two chapters. Uh the first chapter is called Stop Wasting Your Life on Things You Can't Control. And the second chapter is is called Getting Started. Let them plus Let Me. Okay, so these two chapters lay the foundation for the Let Them theory. And the foundation of this theory is simple. Stop wasting your time and energy on things you can't control, especially other people's reactions, behavior, and opinions. Because the only thing you can truly control is yourself. And the problem isn't you in your goals or your desire to feel happier. The problem is the power you give to others. When you stop reacting to what people think or do, you reclaim your energy and you create space to actually live your life instead of constantly reacting to it. The promise is that two words, let them, can radically change how you experience life. And as humans, we are wired to seek control. But trying to control others is an illusion of safety. Whether someone is upset with you, doesn't respond to a message, or make choices you disagree with is outside your control. Attempting to manage these situations is usually driven by fear. Fear of rejection, rejection, disappointment, or loss. And control doesn't reduce that fear. Instead, it amplifies it. And this is why the theory has two parts let them and let me. So let's unpack a little bit what let them means. It means that you're releasing the false belief that you can control people or outcomes. It's choosing not to react with anger, anxiety, or negativity to a situation or to or to a person. Because true power lies in your response. To be honest, you are rarely hurt by other people's actions alone, but by the meaning you attach to them and how you react. So when you say let them, you detach from the outcome and you steady yourself. But saying let them, that is not enough. Used in isolation, it can create emotional distance or avoidance. That's where let me comes in. Let me is about taking responsibility for your role in the situation. It invites honesty and agency. Let me adjust my expectations, let me set better boundaries, let me take action where I actually have influence. So together, let them creates emotional space, and let me turn that space into growth and change. Both are necessary and used together, they shift your focus from control to clarity and from reaction to intentional action. So that is the theory of the let them and its two parts, let them and let me. And the rest of the book explores sort of how the these two different principles uh uh applies across different areas of life. So this is this is the background or the basics of the let them theory.

SPEAKER_02 17:01

All right. Okay. Interesting. I didn't know about the let me part. But when you are saying it, and yes, I have read the chapter as well, when I read it and she talks about the let me, it that really hits me. Oh, I haven't thought about that it could be a problem to only be in the let them. But when she was when you are talking as well here, it really it's it's so clear that yes, you need the let me part as well. It's really, really good, it's a good compliment, and when you put them together, yeah, that's personal development, guys.

SPEAKER_01 17:48

Yeah, for sure. Like I I like the way she says that let them create that space for you to take accountability and and ownership, yes, and to grow. Yes, it's like so pause in the moment and just observe, yeah, and just be, don't react, just let them she makes a bigger point of actually not like in the end of the of chapter two, she's talking about like um people sometimes get it wrong, like let them, they only use let them and they don't use let me. And she's making a point of okay, so you have to add let me because otherwise you're isolated and you're sort of full of yourself and stuff like that. But I think the other way around is equally important. I don't think she makes the same points about it, but it's equally important to be in the era of personal development, right? It's equally important not to get stuck on let me let me set the boundaries, let me fix my nervous system, let me do all these different things without actually letting go of the control of other people. Good point. Yeah, because I think people could be as much confused or as much if if if if you only focus on like the let them, as she says in the book, you get a bit isolated. But I think that if you focus only on let me, you will be overwhelmed.

SPEAKER_02 19:25

Yes, yes, I agree, totally, 100%. I agree. So, yeah, that's a really good point. You need them both, yeah, from both perspectives, yes, and and and it's and it's really really good because we we live our life to like from the point of view, from the outside point of view, what what are other people think about me, and I want to live up to their expectations and what I think is their expectation. I want to have the improve like prove that I am good enough and you know, instead of living the in from inside of you your internal process, and it's kind of liberating when you just like I don't need to do to react on other people, I can just let them let them.

SPEAKER_01 20:20

Yeah, it's really really liberating and try it on your yeah, whatever kids if they want to do something in a certain way, let them, yeah, yeah, and she actually talks just a little bit about that as well, like with your kids, but she says that she's having an appendix later on in the book, like yes, way at the end. Uh so everything that we're talking about right now is from the point of view of being a grown-up. Yes, but I'm looking forward to that appendix.

unknown 20:53

Yeah, yes.

SPEAKER_02 20:55

It was just an example. I just yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:58

I was just clarifying because I know that in this chapter, for you who are listening, I know that there is, so I didn't I didn't uh miss it in the summary, like by mistake, I was just not taking it up. So I just wanted to.

SPEAKER_02 21:13

We can take uh for like um the partner you are living with, yeah. And yes, yes, now we're talking, yes, and and just try to do it in the daily life with him or her, if you are a guy who's listening. Um try it. Like, okay, I I don't know what what what Jonas may be doing or saying, but just uh all right then let him yeah let him do it the way he wants to do it.

SPEAKER_01 21:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 21:50

I don't need to react, I don't need to care.

SPEAKER_01 21:52

No, I don't have to react and I don't need to care, but I also like okay, why do I care? Why do I react? Let me Me whatever it is that I need to do, then to be freed totally of the situation or the implications or the feelings of that situation. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 22:14

Yeah. Especially when you are like in in some point of your life and in areas in your life you you have more you want to have more control. Yeah. You're like kind of we are all the control freaks in some different areas in our lives. And that's a that's a good thing to use, let them and then let me.

SPEAKER_01 22:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 22:37

When you need to let go of the control.

SPEAKER_01 22:40

Yeah. So true. Um and she has a lot of like examples. This book, if this like two chapters in the beginning are any sort of indication of how the rest of the book is is going to be, it's a lot of examples from how she herself has sort of powered through or realized or something. So when I was sort of summarizing, it's I mean, it's not a book where it says clearly, this is a section where you can read about this, right? Uh so it's more of storytelling, and you have to sort of find the nuggets of what are the teachings here then, what are the the end result of what her story actually ends up meaning?

SPEAKER_02 23:29

Yes, yes, yeah, yes, exactly. And it just uh to give an example, I I like the the example, the story that she gives when she was scrolling on social media and saw that her friends were on a vacation together without asking her. Yeah, and before she went on social media, she was like feeling good in herself, but then when she saw that, she was like freaking out and being angry. And why didn't they ask me? What am I doing wrong? And yeah, and and she was up in her head and just spinning, spinning, spinning, and the negative energy just rolling around and create created more negative energy. And that's a thing. That's when you are in a situation and just okay, wait a minute. What what what am I doing here? Just let them, let them go on a vacation. They don't they don't do it because they're hating me, just let them. It's okay, they are allowed to get on a vacation without me. And then, okay, so what's my responsibility in this? Yeah, let me. Have I been reaching out to them the couple of months? No, I haven't, because I have been soaked up with my work. Have I told them that I want to be with them? No, I haven't.

SPEAKER_01 24:53

So yeah, that's that was like a beautiful example, yeah. So so true. Yeah, and this is the reason you need to buy the book all the time because we can't take like all the different stories. Um, but when you read them, and we don't actually make it like like Marielle, you you summarized it, but when you read it, it it starts like a feeling within yourself because I think we've all been there, like seeing something on social media or getting an email or talking to the neighbor and hearing about XYZ, and you're like Yes, yes, yeah, it's uh it's another feeling of uh the energy about the in the words, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 25:38

So, yes, uh buy the book and read the book so you can feel it, yeah, really, really feel it. Um it was something I was going to say, it just poof out of my head.

SPEAKER_01 25:52

Crap, maybe it can poof come to back again. Come back, come back.

SPEAKER_02 26:00

Um yeah, so just to summarize that in in when you are in that situation that you are blaming other people, yeah. It's other people's faults and you are irritating about other people when when it's all about the other people around you, that's when you should say, wait a minute, let them.

SPEAKER_01 26:20

Yeah, let them, and thereby creating the space for you to also ask the next question. Let me. What is my responsibility in this?

SPEAKER_02 26:31

Exactly. And I'm really looking forward to the this chapter that's coming if she's going to talk about different areas in in life.

SPEAKER_01 26:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 26:43

Because we are been going to talk about the different areas as well.

SPEAKER_01 26:48

Yeah. I just wanted to make an example. Is it okay? Um it's not mine, but I just came like a couple of weeks ago, I just came across like this example. The there was this business coach online, and she said that, you know what, I want to share a thing that uh I made a really crappy deal with one of my like business partners, and I I I felt hurt, I felt like uh I got screwed on a lot of money, but you know what? I turned it into myself as well. I'm like, how did I let this happen to me? Like, what is my responsibility in this? And she figured out, like, okay, I am a bit too trustworthy in the sense that I forget all formalia, like deals, like legal documents and stuff like that. So I don't, it's a good thing that I trust people, but I shouldn't be letting that be overruling, like legal documents. And I just came to think about that when it comes to let them and let me. She didn't write that, but that is exactly like another point of view of that uh theory, but in a very like costly situation, and you can still have that sort of mindset of okay, let them screw me over then. Yes, but let me be sure to set better boundaries next time. Let me in sort of look into myself and see, okay, how can I do this? Have a template or something so that I am not, I can still trust people, but I can make them this agreement as well. So good example. Yeah, I was just thinking like it could be a costly situation as well, like money-wise, not only friends like Mel Robbins is talking about.

SPEAKER_02 28:48

Yes, and it's like every other book that we have been reading when they say, Oh, you have to make mistakes, because when you make mistakes, you are learning about it. Yeah, so then that is personal growth. That is personal growth because yeah, you are not learning anything if you don't make mistakes. You have to make mistakes, mistakes is good. So when you are doing that, then you are going to fuck, I hit the bump in the road. This one's not good. Remind, remind yourself about okay, so let's take Mel Robin's words in. Let them let me. I I love this to connect all the books.

SPEAKER_01 29:27

Yeah, that was my thought exactly. I was like, this connects all the books. Yeah. Spider web of different books we've been reading. Like Ken Honda in Happy Money, when he says, like, you have to detach from the outcome, you have to detach yourself from the outcome, right? Yes, uh, and this is the same, like let them detach your emotions to the fact that something is happening to you. Yes, yeah, and then take ownership of your emotions and how you're going to response and act moving forward.

SPEAKER_02 30:03

Ah, oh, so good, so good, so good, so good, so good. And I yeah, we are they are saying like the same, but from this different perspective. But that is why it hits so deep inside of you when you are hearing it again and again and again, but with different words, yeah, different sentences and different perspectives. Yeah, so good.

SPEAKER_01 30:27

You should never underestimate that. I think you know, I have like this fun example of that, just repetition, but from another perspective. Like my my husband wanted me a couple of years ago, he wanted me to try like the ice bathing, um, like cold plungers, and I was like, no, I would never do that. I'm not that kind of person, no, I'm not that kind of a person. I don't why I mean I am freezing in the middle of the summer on a sort of chilly night, so no, I'm not, I'm not going cold plunging. Um, and he was like, Well, it's good for your health, and I'm like, I don't care. Uh and he was like, It's a new sort of cool thing to do, and I'm like, I don't care, and and he gave all these different arguments and perspectives on how and why you should do it. And then one day he said, Well, you should really try to do this cold punch because it sort of stills your mind, it makes your mind go really calm and focused, and it quiets down inside. And I'm like, Oh, now you're talking. That's a good pitch. That's a good pitch, right? So you don't, I mean, he had been talking about the the message was cold plunge all the time, but he said it from different perspectives, just like the different books that we're reading are talking about more or less the same messaging, and I think that's why you should read different books and why different books hits you differently, because I didn't care about health issues or being fit or whatever cool things. But once he said this is good for your mental sort of stillness inside, I was like, Oh my god, I can't turn my brain off. I have been looking for ways to do that. Wow, I want to try it. Let's try it now. And I went out and I tried it right after he had that conversation with me. So yeah. And and the result? I loved it. I loved it. Did it calm your mind down? Yeah, it did. Yeah, yeah. It's sort of like it makes you yeah, it makes you more focused, it cuts away all the other noise. Wow. The only way I've found to sort of press the stop button in my head.

SPEAKER_02 33:03

No, why did you do that? So you're not you're not doing it now?

SPEAKER_01 33:07

I'm not doing it now, um, because there have been so many issues with my pre-manus pause and stuff like that. So I was like, yeah, I haven't said the on button for me to do stuff.

SPEAKER_02 33:20

But you know, you know what? That's a good thing that you are saying that because many in in speech uh when we are talking about do what other people is doing and live your life as others' expectations, this cold punch thing has been a really highlighted thing to do about your health. And but what you are saying, like okay, but sometimes it's not good because it's stressed your body and your cortisol is racing, and so you have to be aware of that. So it's a good thing that you're saying that it's not all.

SPEAKER_01 33:55

Like I got I had like a lot of rushes from my heart and stuff, so I was like, then you're not supposed to really sit in that cold plunge because uh well, you have to be supervised and stuff like that, and then also like also from a mental perspective, I didn't like I didn't have the energy to start things the same way. Oh, you should use the five-second rule then. Yes, I know. So I need that in order to do that as well. But one step at a time, right now I'm using it to get up in the morning.

SPEAKER_02 34:30

It's okay, you don't need to be the cold punch. I haven't uh tried at all. I don't have this tub that you have.

SPEAKER_01 34:40

No, yeah, yeah. My husband saw it online, saw the he got sold on it like from the first perspective or something that someone told him, and he went online and he was like, We need this, and I'm like, Okay, you he's he's um kind he's he has this interest about uh the health, yeah. And that's a good thing, and I'm kind of jealous about that because my husband to say interest, that is like an understatement, like he's like a total nerd, nerd, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 35:15

I I think that's fun. He's a no he's a nerd about many things.

SPEAKER_01 35:20

Okay, sorry, we got a yeah, he's a nerd of many things.

SPEAKER_02 35:23

Yeah, that's uh that's a fun side of him. Uh like okay, I just have to share it because I don't want to leave it weird. He's a nerd about like uh old TV games and stuff like that, and yeah, that's just I love that it's just so fun. When you see a Nintendo uh like it's uh yeah, eight bits, the Nintendo, the old ones, the old screens, and yeah, ooh, that's cool. It's cool, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 35:53

But that was so much fun when you met him like the first time, and he started. I don't know if we had like one of those computers or something out, or he was talking about something because we had done something, I don't know. And I my first reaction was like, Oh my god, here he goes again, and then you sort of almost cut him off, and like, I know that is so exciting, and like okay, so they connected over that, but okay.

SPEAKER_02 36:23

Yes, I have you know, I have on my to-do list to visit you to just play play old games with your husband and your kids.

SPEAKER_01 36:34

Yeah, I know, yeah, I know. I'm waiting for the invitation. Okay, let's take it during summer more when it's warmer or something. Okay, but now we're getting off all sort of tracks here, but this was like the first section of the book, right? Yes, yeah, and the foundation.

SPEAKER_02 37:00

Let them and let me. And I'm looking forward, as I said, to the next chapter.

SPEAKER_01 37:05

Yeah, and see, I think it was something about stress or something, like the next theme.

SPEAKER_02 37:10

Oh, that's good.

SPEAKER_01 37:12

Yeah, so that's really interesting to start off big with that. Yes, okay.

SPEAKER_02 37:19

All right then, thank you for today, and thank you who are listening right now and uh follow us, and we will see you next week in chapter two and three. Bye. Bye!