S4E3: The Let Them Theory - Managing stress

Stop letting small things drain you

Most stress in your life doesn’t come from big events.

It comes from everything else.

In this episode, we dive into Chapters 3 & 4 of The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins – and why the small, everyday irritations might be the biggest drain on your energy.

We talk about:

• how tiny triggers (traffic, notifications, other people) build constant stress
• what stress actually does to your brain and decision-making
• why you’re giving away your power without realizing it
• and how “let them” can instantly reduce emotional overload

But we also go deeper into:
👉 when you should not “let them”
👉 how to know what actually matters
👉 and when it’s time to step up with “let me” instead

This is where the theory becomes practical – in your relationships, your parenting, your work, and your everyday life.

Because the goal isn’t to stop caring.
It’s to stop wasting your energy on the wrong things.

📚 Book: The Let Them Theory

📚 Chapter: Managing stress

___________________________________________________________

👯 Hosts: Sofia Stigendal & Marielle Almquist
🎧 Editing: Elmer Hermansson
📲 Follow us on Instagram & TikTok @bookbright_podcast
— and don’t hesitate to reach out with your reflections and thoughts.

BookBright: Review, Rethink & Rewrite your story – one book at a time!

Get a book brief for each episode: https://bookbrightpodcast.com/bookbrief 

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

You can't change what is right now, now, now in the moment, and you can't change the past, but you can influence and change the future. Because if it really, really matters to you, then become the person everyone else is waiting for. Create the change you want to see. And that's the power of let me.

SPEAKER_02 0:28

Open a page, unlock your mind, grow a little brighter, one book at a time. Stories that change you wisdom and sticks. Welcome to Book Write, your personal growth fix.

SPEAKER_00 0:57

Welcome to Book Bright, the podcast that goes old school on personal development. We don't just read books, we live them. One chapter at a time. We're Sophia and Marielle. Two suites, imperfect English included, balancing kids, dogs, and business life while diving into international bestsellers. And here's the thing: the book on your nightstand won't change your life until you do something with it. That's why we're here. To unpack, apply, and sometimes stumble our way through the ideas together. On the road to making it applicable, this is personal development. Lived out loud.

SPEAKER_02 1:40

Open a page, unlock your mind. Grow a little brighter, one book at a time. Stories that change you, wisdom that sticks. Welcome to Book Bright, your personal growth phase.

SPEAKER_01 2:00

Welcome, welcome to this new episode where we are deep diving into the book The Letham Theory by Mel Robbins. And in this episode, we will talk about chapter 3 and chapter 4. But first, before we deep dive into the book and these chapters, we want to share our wins for the weeks, aren't we, Sophia?

SPEAKER_00 2:22

Yes. Dying to, actually. Actually, I am quite actually I'm I'm very, very excited for this win. Because it feels if this feels so good. And I know that you're going to say, I told you so, but you know, refrain yourself from doing that. Restrain yourself, maybe you say, uh so I know, I know, okay. I know.

unknown 2:48

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 2:48

Oh yeah. Okay. All right. Okay. All right. Uh, but you know, like my win for this week is that I I truly committed and I truly stepped into showing up within this area of disabilities. Um before I have had like talked much more about change management and um well, change management in organizations. And uh as I've said before, I have kids, and when my kids have different disabilities, and I haven't that is a passion project of mine to talk about disabilities to sort of widen the norm and stuff like that, but I haven't done that publicly that much uh for many, many years. And I have been sort of when I became my own business uh or an entrepreneur, I was like, well, I can't step into that because who am I to do that? What kind of platform do I have to do that? Do I really have enough knowledge and stuff like that? But I've always been sort of circling that area, wanting to do something and always talking about it. And the reason I say, well, Marielle is going to say I told you so, is because I have said so many times, talked about this, and she has said, Well, shouldn't you just do something about this? And now when I'm stepping into that and talking about this on social media and stuff like that, everything just flows. It comes so naturally, it comes so easy. There is no effort in writing a post about this subject. And I am so crystal clear on my foundation and my values within this area. Um, and I I even wrote like one post this week that was sort of could have been or it is, depending on your perspective, very controversial. Um, but I was I was so fine in publishing that and owning that. And yeah, so that is my win to actually be in that alignment of my passion and my values and uh putting it out there.

SPEAKER_01 5:12

I have seen this post and what you are making, and it's so good, it's so good, Sophia.

SPEAKER_00 5:18

Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 5:19

Yes, I even wrote that to you, but you didn't respond to me.

SPEAKER_00 5:24

It was the weekend, come on, okay, okay.

SPEAKER_01 5:27

But I'm curious, um, because you said that you have had these difficulties to to get yourself out there and this mindset blocks. I and now in Book Write, when we have been reading all these books that we are reading, can you see if the books and the journey that we are doing have been helping you in your mindset to do this to get yourself out?

SPEAKER_00 5:54

Yeah, for sure, for sure. And I mean, even now this week, since we're reading this book that we're reading, I have been saying, okay, so if they are going to judge me for this, let them let me just do what is right for me, and if that is not right for someone else, let them feel that way. So yeah, I'm I'm super I'm super happy, and you know, like feeling really content with myself. Can you say that? Like, yeah, I'm at ease, I'm content. Um Wow. Yeah, and that feels really, really good. That's amazing, right? To feel that way. Um yeah, so that that is that is the week uh win for me. That's uh this week's win for me.

SPEAKER_01 6:48

Wow, that's really good. That's a good one.

SPEAKER_00 6:51

Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 6:52

Yes, you should be proud.

SPEAKER_00 6:55

What about you? Let's hear.

SPEAKER_01 6:57

Okay. So I have said in the last episodes in the past, maybe the the last the the the one we did before this, the the the last past week, whatever, whatever. Um you have said it before. I have said it before that I am that I am taking these courses on college level, you know, and I have been taking these courses in psychology.

SPEAKER_00 7:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:23

And uh it's by the way, really, really fun to deep dive into psychology in the academic way because I'm a mindset coach and and talk about it in a different way. But anyway, in this course, uh I read about that we have different defense mechanisms that we are using in our life.

SPEAKER_00 7:44

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:46

And oh, it hit me. When I read about the defense mechanism compensation, it means that you when you feel like you are not good enough in a diff in a area in your life, yeah, you are totally compensated with doing like going all in and doing another so really freaking good.

unknown 8:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:14

You know, I realized when I read it, oh my fleeping god, I have been compensating my whole freaking life. Oh that's that's who I am. I'm the defense mechanism compensation. You know, I I haven't I I hadn't this a good um relationship with my with my dad. It starts there when I was a kid, but then when I went went to college, my life just fell apart, and I was I wasn't good at all in school. What I am, I I studied so much, but I I failed in every test. And my teacher saw me fail, my my friends saw me fail. So that became a thing in my identity that I am the person who's failing. Yeah. And you know, I'm a pro I'm I'm I'm a problem solver, really, really problem solver. So I was thinking like, okay, screw the school, and I work instead, and I will work my career. Like, I will do the career in my life by working. I don't need school, I don't need college. So I did. Oh boy, what I have been doing career, and I have been working because I compensate my failure self in school, and I have to prove myself and to prove to everyone around me that I can I can do it anyway. Yeah, I am a good, I am good, I can do this. Yeah, watch me. Watch me, yeah. Yes, and then I got kids, and I was in work and did my career thing, and uh that was I I gave all my energy, all my time, my whole soul into my work, and I said to my partner when we got our first kids, kid, that you I cannot be home the first year, I will be home the first three months, and then you have to take what what is it called when the when you're parenting home your kids?

SPEAKER_00 10:32

Parental leave. Parenternity leave. Parental leave is both parents sort of either either parent. Okay, yeah. And you were on maternity leave, you were the mothers, you were on maternity leave.

SPEAKER_01 10:42

Yeah, so Jonas was home, but then you know, I have felt that I am not good as a mother, I am not a good parent because I have always been um uh comparing, I have always compared myself to other people. I did that in in college, and that's why I'm I'm not good at this, I will do something else. And so I compare myself to other parents, other mothers, and I have felt like no, I'm not I'm not good. I'm not good at this. Uh I'm not even supposed to be a mother, I think. You know, it's it's really in my head. I don't have a good mindset about this. My self-esteem is really, really low. So I have been compensating again with in my work and in my business because I'm an entrepreneur now. And and just the insight, you know, just to know, okay, that's a big part of my identity. And that gets me to think about when we talked with Doug Dane, the interview with Doug Dane. Yeah, yeah, and he said, if you have all these mental blockage and things, you only need to know why. Yeah, if you just know why, you can just get rid of them. Yeah, and that's what just a relief when I realized I don't need to be that person. I can just okay, thank you for this life and goodbye. Yeah, we will see you never ever again. So I don't know. The the win is just the insight that yeah, that is not just that is huge. I mean that is huge, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:27

You cannot change yourself before you are aware of things, exactly. And you just got yourself aware of where some of the things or issues or behaviors that you have come from, yes, and that it actually has some sort of like mechanism to it, it's a defense mechanism, and how that sort of ties together with your past.

SPEAKER_01 12:50

Yes, yes, so now I can stop doing it in other areas, yeah. Love that for you. Thank you. It was um it was a good, it felt good when I just ah, I get it now. So, yes, all right, so that was my win, and I'm really I'm really glad that I got this insight. It's a huge win for me.

SPEAKER_00 13:17

Yeah, it is, and I think I think we we said that a couple of episodes ago as well, like and I I'm thinking about it when I hear you and reflecting upon it myself also, that it does something with you to read the way that we are reading, because it doesn't matter what other stuff that we are reading right now, besides Book Bright, because it sort of has programmed us to read in a different way, to always be looking for stuff, I think, or to sort of go deeper in everything. We're more open. I don't know. There's some there is a change here. I can't put my finger on exactly what it is, but there is a change in that has come after Book Bright, and now that we're sort of in it a bit, because I don't recognize this from the beginning, but it's coming more and more now. Yes, so I'm really excited to see where will this end up? I'm like, I mean, like if this is where we're getting to just having read a couple of books, what about in a couple of years? Yes, even more books under our belt and more of these discussions and summaries, and you know, yes, it has totally changed everything.

SPEAKER_01 14:42

I know at one point we we talked to each other and said, okay, so we are supposed to use the books and to implement it in our life, and it was one book with some chapter, I don't know what it was. Yeah, and we were thinking, okay, so how are we supposed to do this? How are we supposed to implement it? But you know, every book has been implemented, even though if we don't do anything, we are doing it, yeah. It and and I can feel sometimes, you know, I just like oh, uh, that's psychocybernetics. Oh, that's um that's 10x is easier than 2x, and that's that, and that's that, and it just it just happened, it changed it totally changed everything. Yeah, it's so good.

SPEAKER_00 15:31

What is your um experience? You who are listening, if you're deep diving into the books like we are, are you experiencing this as well? And if you have not started to read the books with us, like totally do that because this is changing fundamental things within not only with the the subject at hand for each book, but you know, it it's sort of it's a ripple effect on other things as well. Yes, okay, totally okay. Let's should we just start with a book now? Oh all right, yes, we should.

SPEAKER_01 16:13

Okay, so uh these chapters is uh on me. Yeah, it's used so it's um I'm going to talk about chapter three and chapter four. And as we had said in in the beginning of this book, that we are like the this book is structured in a different way. So we are merging uh some chapters together because they uh they they are together, yeah, yeah, in sort of way. So I'm going to talk about chapter three and chapter four, and this chapter is about stress actually. And chapter the subtitle of chapter three is Shocker. Life is stressful. So let's talk about stress. And I'm not talking about stress in the sense of big life events, but the small trigger stress created by all the tiny, tiny things in your everyday life. So just take a moment and think of and think about all those little things that irritate you during the day. Maybe it's the slow traffic, maybe it's the person standing in front of you in the checkout line, maybe it's the notifications on your phone, maybe it's your kids constantly calling out mom, mom, or maybe it's the shows in the hallway.

SPEAKER_00 17:48

I'm like laughing related that.

SPEAKER_01 17:55

I think every parent does. Yeah, yes, and all of those small irritations irritations create stress in your body, and you know, when you're stressed, it affects the part of your brain that helps you plan and organize your life, and it the part of your brain that helps you remember things and that helps you that guides you in different decisions you make every day. And this part of the brain is called the prefrontal cortex. And if you truly want to live a life where you feel good about yourself and you are in control and to just live your life in the fullest potential, this is the part you want to manage and take care of. Okay? The prefrontal prefrontal cortex. When the prefrontal cortex is under constant stress, it shifts into survival mood and starts seeing and it starts seeing everything as a threat. So that's when you lose all your clarity, you stop thinking clearly, you stop making good decisions, and yeah, you're not in control of your life and and your brain, your head. And according to a researcher that Mel mentions in the chapter, seven out of ten people are living with chronic stress. Seven out of ten. That's a lot. That's a lot. And to be honest, when you look at the world we live in today and all the stresses around us, that doesn't surprise me at all. Um, and the easiest and most effective way to start using the let them theory is to apply it to all those small, every small, everyday things that irritate you in your life, in your day-to-day life. So if you want to implement this book, start with everything that's annoying that annoys you. Um because if you are living a life right now where you let other people and small things affect you in a negative way, you're simply giving away your power, you're wasting your time and energy on things that don't even matter and on things that you even cannot control. And this means that you are allowing other people to drain your life force. And you don't want to do that. Because you you cannot control other people, you cannot control how they think, what they say, or how they act, and every negative reaction you allow yourself to have creates stress and affects both your body and your brain. And your power lies in how you respond to what happens around you. And when you learn to stop reacting negatively to all those small things, it will literally change your life. And I am now going to read a few points, and if you recognize yourself in any of these, it that's a sign that you're stressed. Okay, so if you can relate to some of these points, just remind that this is a flag that okay, I have to do something. So the point is you are stressed if you're if you have an inner critic voice that is really really loud. If you doubt yourself, if you procrastinate a lot, if you push until you burn out, if you neglect your health, if you don't feel much joy in life, if you're constantly tired, if you can't stop scrolling on your phone. That's a stress, or if you have a hard time switching off from work. That's some example. If you can relate to some of those, that means that you have to do something because you are you have stressed in your body. And one way to hack your stress response, according to Mel Robins, is by using, of course, the let them theory. The moment you notice that you're getting irritated or stressed out about things around you, you will easily say let them. So say well say let them. When you do that, you put yourself in a pause. And after the pause, you will say let me. And then you take a deep breath because the deep breath tells your body that you're safe, that you can relax. So say let them, pause, and let me deep breath. It's okay if the shoes are making a mess in the hallway, you're not going to die. And when we're now using the let them, maybe the question is should you say let them to everything and not bother about anything in life? Is that really the right way? Just to not care about anything? Because you can use let them to to everything that you that that comes that comes to you. But no, of course not. That's not the way. If you are using it on everything, that's the wrong way to use it, okay? Because let me also allows you to decide what is actually worth your attention. And now you might be wondering, but how do I know what's worth my time and energy and my attention? And the answer to ask yourself in this question is will this bother me in an hour? Will this bother me in a week? Will this bother me in the future? Or is it just bothering me right now, in this certain moment? If it's something that will affect you long term, then you should do something about it. So I would take an example here so you can really um understand what I am talking about. So we can take politics for example. We say that if you're frustrated or angry about something in the society that you don't agree with, that you feel like this is this isn't right. I don't want these things to be in this way or whatever it is. Well, don't just sit around and waiting for things to get better. Do something. You can't change what is right now, now, now in the moment, and you can't change the past, but you can influence and change the future. Because if it really, really matters to you, then become the person everyone else is waiting for. Create the change you want to see, and that's the power of let me. And if it doesn't matter and you're not willing to do anything about it, well, don't do it and stop complaining. It's just that easy. And that's the summary of the chapter three and chapter four, and you, Sofia, are the you are a such a good example for the last part that I was talking about, and you share it in your win. Like you don't like the how how how the what do you say the system is for disabilities? Yeah, so you are really trying to change it. That's how you use the let me to be there. Oh, so yeah, how's what's your thoughts?

SPEAKER_00 26:21

I have so many thoughts, uh, some sort of all over the place right now. But yeah, um, thank you for saying what you just said because as you were reading like the summary here and just used the example with politics, which is in the book, that like that is so true for me that I can really, really relate to that. That you know, there are so many things that has happened this past year or this past six months in my life. Things like my mother passing away, and there's been a lot of issues within my family, um, in other areas as well that has called for my attention and that I, as a parent, I need to address, and just you know, there's a lot of things. Um, but this thing with how society looks at disabilities, how uh the families like mine are treated by society, and and I mean like normal stuff, right? Going to the doctor, uh, going to school, like that sort of just normal day-to-day things. There are so many, unfortunately, there are so many um knowledge gaps and system flaws uh that I have been I'm not even angry. I'm I'm sad in my heart, right? I'm like crying inside because this is the world that my my son is growing up in. And there have been so many reasons for me to say, well, I don't have the energy, I shouldn't do this, I don't have the platform, yada yada yada. But and I'm I'm not going to change everything by myself. That's not it. I I don't think that I am special in that kind of way, but I I want to do something. Yes. And I also like, um, I think you and me had that conversation because I was asking, I was asking sort of my closest friends and family, like, okay, what should I do with this? I call it like the war on paper, the war on admin, because there are so many administrative tasks that you need to go through uh in a situation like mine just to get your basic rights. Um so I call it that, this sort of quest that I'm on to broaden the norm or widen the norm, um, and and expose system flaws. Um and you said several people said to me, like, okay, but Sofia, there are so many things going on in your life right now. Take a pause. You don't have to start this, you don't have to do this. There's an election in Sweden, I know, but you know, there's going to be several others along the way, and you can just pause everything. That's okay. And then I talked to you, and you said quite the opposite. You said, no, but this was a good thing. This is what I mean. You said this is your passion, so you're not going to be able to turn it off completely, anyways. So just go for it, do it. And I'm getting God, this podcast and me, I'm sort of always getting emotional and crying on this podcast. What is this? This does not happen in other areas of my life, and definitely not in my other podcast. But okay. Um, but you said, like, okay, but this is your passion. This is what feels so very true for you, and you have talked about it for years, as long as you have known me. Uh, there has always been there. So do it. It might not be the same setup that you had thought about, but do it. And applying that to what we're reading right now, it is so true. Like, let them, whoever whoever has a problem with me doing this, this sort of way, or uh if it's not if I should not focus on this because there are so many other things, or if I am not the right person to be the voice for this, or to try to have a voice within this, let them all have that opinion because let me take responsibility for my passion and for what feels true for me. Um, so yeah, that was like a long segment of just saying this is good, and I saw align with what you just said.

SPEAKER_01 31:03

Yes, it's you are such a good example for just you're not sitting around and just we wait for the system to get better because you know no, you have to talk about it. Yeah, every voice matters, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 31:21

And I think like when I thought about it, like also giving to the listener, when do you know? Um when do you know if this is going to be something that you should act on? For me, it was a question of asking myself, how will I feel if I do nothing? If I don't do this, there are so many reasons as to why I shouldn't do it, but if I do that, if I don't do it, how will I feel? And I could feel that knot in my stomach, just thinking of that question. And I got like really, I couldn't sit still, like my whole body, my whole body told me, you cannot leave this alone, right? So I think you have the answer as to when should you let them and when should you let me, what that actually means for you in terms of actions or sort of ignoring or acting on it or not.

SPEAKER_01 32:24

Yeah. So good. Okay, so now we went pretty deep. So I'm but I have to ask because it was in the chapter. Okay, so I don't want to make this deep thing small, but okay, I have to ask to. Um the little stress uh stressors you have around you in life that yeah. Do you have any of these? Do you have of course?

SPEAKER_00 32:57

Of course, it's I think we all have. Yeah, I mean, if you are a parent, you can so you can surely relate to mom, mom, mom, mom.

SPEAKER_01 33:07

Yes, that's you know, like that's why I took that example.

SPEAKER_00 33:10

Yeah, I think you can relate to that, or wanting to go to work and something there are cues in the traffic, or there's just you know, the alarm didn't set go off at the time that you thought it was going to get off, and you hit the snooze button and you you're 10 minutes short of time, or whatever. I mean, there are frustration and moments in every day for all of us, I think.

SPEAKER_01 33:42

Um, of course, yeah, yes, it's so good to just think through what really irritates you and annoy you in the day-to-day life. So, because these small things, it's not worth the time and stress, no, it's not worth uh to get your body in a negative um state. So try to just get rid of them, don't react to them. I have this thing. Um we have okay, my partner Jonas. He's he's he's this person who works late at night, and um we have this working station in our bedroom, and when I am going to sleep, I cannot sleep with the lights on, and I cannot sleep with sounds and do it, you know, it's just stress me out instead of it stressed me out. So I have been using this letter let him thing. Okay, so um last night he was sitting in his computer and with the lights on, and I was just like, okay, I could feel in my body, okay. I'm going to getting really irritated right now. Yeah. Okay, let him let him sit there, let him have the lights on. All right, okay, so what can I do? Let me let me take a towel and put it on my eyes so I don't see the lights. That's good. Yeah, and then I fell asleep. Oh, good, and I was like, hmm, this is working. This is working. It wasn't that hard.

SPEAKER_02 35:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 35:36

Let him sit with the computer. And you know, it's also in my head when I like thinking, thinking, thinking, okay, so he's sitting there and he's working and the light is on, I cannot sleep, and he's going to sit there the uh in in so many hours, so he will get really tired, and when he's tired the day after, he will get really annoyed and irritating, irritated by me and the kids, and yeah, and I have to deal with that, and you know, the talks in my head. Yeah, and then I was like, let it go, let him. Yeah, yeah. It's him, it's his problem. If he's tired, it's not my problem. No, it's not your problem. So that's a good thing in the day-to-day life.

SPEAKER_00 36:23

That's a good thing, yeah. Just like let him, let him, or let them, or let yeah, yes. I actually think that I have been practicing this a lot over the years. Um I read somewhere regarding stress, I read somewhere someone was sort of quoting a study that was made on parents um with children with disabilities, and I think it was primarily with like NPF, uh, neuropsychological disorders, um, like autism, ADHD, things like that. And they said that the parents of those children have like a stress level when it comes to cortisol or adrenaline or something like that. That is yeah, that is uh 10 times higher than even like um like they said like combat people, like people in the army that are in really stressful situations, like navy seals or something, like um, because there are so many strains put on them, both from society, but also trying to navigate and get to know their children's behavior and trying to buffer. And if you live this life, you know what I mean, but it's sort of hard to explain to someone who is not there, but it is more than mom, mom, it's more than that, it's so much more than that. And when it comes to me and my parenting in this area, like I think I've the hard way had to learn because there are there are so many different situations throughout the day, throughout the every day that sort of could get under your skin that I have had to look myself in the mirror to really say that okay, the the problem here is not him, it's not my son, it is me because I I can choose how I react, I can choose how to deal with this situation, and he in many aspects doesn't have that or haven't had that ability to do that. So when you say, like, okay, let them, and you said that okay, you can feel the feeling inside, uh, that is actually something I would want to emphasize that when you do that, go in and feel how that feels, because that feeling is something you could connect to and sort of strive to uh when you are in a very stressful situation because your body reacts just like your mind does uh with all these thoughts and stuff like that, but your body reacts in stress as well. So learn how it feels when you do let go. And I have learned also to sort of breathe in a square, yeah, yeah, yes, like yeah, it's a technique that you you breathe in and you sort of picture yourself that you're whilst you're taking that breath in, you're drawing a line upwards, for example, and then you breathe out, and you when you exhale, you draw that line to the right, and then you inhale and you draw that line downwards, and then you exhale and you draw that line to the left. So you're making a square, right? Yes. Um, but uh yeah, there's there's so much regarding this that I could say, but I we don't have time to do that. But I can so relate to the fact that seven out of ten people are living a stressful life or are stressful, and that there are the technique for sort of making yourself not as stressful or stressed out is so merry merry much this let them. Only I have been saying say something else, perhaps, but yes, like you can only control yourself, you can only choose who you want to be.

SPEAKER_01 40:44

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um I do something similar as well. I you know, I meditate every day, and the whole point of that meditation technique is to learn to not react. Yeah, I'm not breathing, I'm just noticing my body and learn how to not react and to to not judge things as positive or negative. And because of that, I have become more present and more like resilient to everyday irritations. And so when I am in a suit situation with my kids or what it is, I just find myself in those moments. And when when something when I feel that okay, this is something I want to react on, I just say to myself, relax. Because I cannot do this breathing. I I have tried this breathing thing, but it doesn't work. I don't start to breathe. I don't know why. Yeah, but but I have more, and this is something that the book psychosyenetics talk about as well. I just say to myself, relax, then I conscious, really, really conscious, put my my body in a relaxed state. I just relax all my muscles. I'm like, oh because when you relax, you cannot react. You can't you can't just do it, it it won't. So when the bodies relax, you cannot react to what's happening around you. And then I say, okay, relax, and it's like kind of this pause thing, and then I say, Don't react. Don't react, just let it be. Yeah, don't react. But I was thinking when you were talking, you know, I have this, I also have a kid that has yeah, much outreach. Do you say outrage when he gets angry and outrage?

SPEAKER_00 42:44

He gets outrage.

SPEAKER_01 42:45

Outrage, outrage, yeah. You say outrage, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 42:49

Um, maybe he has a lot of strong feelings, you could say yes, yeah, yes.

SPEAKER_01 42:54

Maybe he has something, disability, or I don't know, he has he is testing for that right now. So I can relate when you say that the cortisol is really, really high, because I've been living in this in 12 years. And you know, uh, it was one day I was in the kitchen, and then I heard something, he dropped something on the floor. It just it just dropped something, and my whole nervous system was, you know. Yeah to and and I was in fight and flight, and fuck, is it is it going to break something apart or what's happening? My whole system was like, ah, I was red flag, red flag, red flag. Yeah, and that's so difficult and so hard to not react when the nervous system is reacting because that's out of my control. I don't know how you you how you you how you do in that situation because it hurts, it hurts so much in the whole body when when the Nervous system is like screaming and it hurts so much. Yeah. And that's when I'm in this situation, I cannot control it. I can calm it down, but I can't control the reactions. So how do you do?

SPEAKER_00 44:17

I have some tips for that. Um first I just want to say like I think it's human to not be able to control it every time, right? Yeah, I mean, there are going to be situations depending on how much sleep you've had that night before, uh, whether or not you have gotten enough sort of energy when it comes to um food, the right kind of food, or being outside, or you know, it depends on where you are at that particular time as well. So let's not just say that, you know, you could breathe in the square or you could meditate or something, and that is the answer to everything here. Um, so just say that first. That I don't think there is like a universal answer here that I can give you like this is what you do, Marielle. Uh I think it's too bad, too. Yeah, too bad. I think it's human. Let's just say that. Uh, but one thing that I do do uh is also to sort of because I'm I'm really much of a person who sees things in pictures, and sort of that is my whole life, sort of um, so when that happens, I can both feel and sort of see this fire going off inside of me, and it goes bigger and bigger, right? And just by seeing that, it sort of takes the edge of it. Like if I focus on like, okay, now I see that this fire is building up in me, okay. What if I make it? What if I make it smaller in my picture? Right. So I make it smaller, and then it becomes just sort of like a flickering sort of light, and that is just energy, right? So that is not stress or anything. Uh and for me, that works many times. Does it work every time? No. Right? And as I said, be kind to yourself when it comes to. I mean, you just said also, like maybe Jonas is sitting up late at night, and uh that even if you have the towel, it might affect how your sleep quality is. So the next day, you might not have that much of a buffer if something happens and something is dropped on the floor and your amygdala, the part of your brain that is fight and flight, sort of sets off and that there's a crisis. Um, maybe you don't have the energy or the capacity at that moment to be sort of calming that fire within. And that is okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it is.

SPEAKER_01 47:09

Hmm. I think that many, maybe you who are listening right now to our conversation, maybe you can relate at some point. Yeah. And I hope that this is how helpful for you. And just let us know if you have some tips or what are you doing in those situations. But it's you know what?

SPEAKER_00 47:30

Yeah. Just I just want to add something. Like what I just from a parenting perspective, what I hold on to the times that I do not manage to sort of not react in the way that that is not good, maybe for my kids, or not in a way that I would like to react towards my kids in that situation. Like if I um if I raise my voice or something like that in reaction to that. The thing that sort of gets me to be okay with myself as a parent is okay, so after that situation, what do I do? Right? So when that situation is calmed down and I have calmed down, how do I act? What do I do then? Um and my way of doing it is to always go to my kids. If I have raised my voice, if there has been anything that has sort of made us clash or collide in some way, because my nervous system sort of flips. I always go to them and I talk to them and I say, This was my part, this was what I did wrong. And yes, I yeah, and I mean, but not everyone does that. So I think for me, that is sort of like okay, holding myself accountable to I may not be able to do be the parent I want to be all the time because of millions of reasons, but I can still sort of make up for that in different ways.

SPEAKER_01 49:09

Yeah, yes, that's a really good thing. I do it as well. Yeah. Also, because if if we as a parent can tell our kids when we are doing wrong, they can tell when they are doing wrong and also say, I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_00 49:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 49:24

And it's okay to do wrong.

SPEAKER_00 49:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 49:28

It's okay to do perfect.

SPEAKER_00 49:30

I also think it helps them to regulate their emotions by seeing that okay, mom or dad, they sort of screw this up sometimes as well. And this is how they do it. And if they can't regulate their emotions, they are not a failure. Because that for my my oldest kid, I mean, he struggles with not making that an identity thing, right? Yeah. Um, and I I hope that I'm helping him see that it's not an identity thing by actually doing the same myself sometimes, but then talking about it or trying to address it on how did I act and why did I do that, and you know, how how am I dealing with that and not making it an identity for myself? I hope so, anyway. Yes, I'm sort of helping him there.

SPEAKER_01 50:28

Yeah, I think you do. Oh, yeah, we can talk a lot about this, yeah. Yeah, in so many different uh levels. But all right, do you have something more to say about this chapter?

SPEAKER_00 50:43

No, I don't think I have without sort of just taking it to a whole different level and talking for hours and hours about my passions.

SPEAKER_01 50:51

So I feel the same, so maybe we should just wrap this up, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 50:57

And uh yeah, yeah, and maybe we can just sort of send with the listener some sort of questions, yes, um, to wrap it out, uh, and to say that having listened to this episode and having read these two chapters, what was the one thing that was sort of landing with you hearing and reading this? Um what was the main thing for you? And and why? Why was that why is that important for you for real here and now? And lastly, sort of how can you act upon that today, even or this week? So, what was your main takeaway? What landed especially with you? What why is that important for to you? And also how can you act upon that today? Good, really good questions.

SPEAKER_01 51:52

So, with that, I just think we should say goodbye, or yes, me too. And don't forget to hit the subscribe button on the platform where you are listening to us, and yes, we will see you next week with the chapter what is it for chapter five and five and six, yeah, yeah. Five and six, see you next week. See ya, bye, bye.