S4E5: The Let Them Theory - Dealing with someone else's emotional reaction

Their emotions are not your responsibility

What if the reason you feel drained… isn’t your workload, but other people’s emotions?

In this episode, we dive into Chapters 7 & 8 of The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins and explore what happens when you stop taking responsibility for how others feel.

We talk about:

• why adults often react like children when emotions take over
• how you unconsciously adapt, tiptoe, and say yes to avoid reactions
• why other people’s moods can end up controlling your decisions
• and how “let them” helps you step out of that pattern 

We also turn the mirror inward:
👉 what if you are the one reacting emotionally?
👉 how to sit with your feelings instead of escaping them
👉 and why emotions aren’t dangerous – unless you avoid them

And in one of the most uncomfortable truths in the book:
Sometimes the right decision feels wrong…
because someone else will be hurt by it.

But it’s not your job to protect others from temporary discomfort.
It’s your job to live in alignment with what is true for you.

This episode is about boundaries, emotional responsibility –
and the courage to stay when it feels uncomfortable.

📚 Book: The Let Them Theory

📚 Chapters: Dealing with someone else's emotional reaction

___________________________________________________________

👯 Hosts: Sofia Stigendal & Marielle Almquist
🎧 Editing: Elmer Hermansson
📲 Follow us on Instagram & TikTok @bookbright_podcast
— and don’t hesitate to reach out with your reflections and thoughts.

BookBright: Review, Rethink & Rewrite your story – one book at a time!

Get a book brief for each episode: https://bookbrightpodcast.com/bookbrief 

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

I think we have huge responsibility there as parents because we are sort of teaching our kids to um like deflect you say that like deflect from the emotions. Oh look at here, let's watch a movie instead, or you know, uh let's call grandma and grandpa, or you know, they're starting to cry, and we're sort of like, don't cry, let's do this instead. Oh, don't be angry, let's eat candy. That is, we're setting them up.

SPEAKER_00 0:33

Open a page, unlock your mind, grow a little brighter, one book at a time. Stories that change you wisdom and dick. Welcome to Book Wright, your personal growth fix.

SPEAKER_02 1:02

Welcome to Book Bright, the podcast that goes old school on personal development. We don't just read books, we live them. One chapter at a time. We're Sophia and Marielle. Two suites, in perfect English included, balancing kids, dogs, and business life while diving into international best sellers. And here's the thing: the book on your nightstand won't change your life until you do something with it. That's why we're here. To unpack, apply, and sometimes stumble our way through the ideas together. On the road to making it applicable, this is personal development. Lived out loud.

SPEAKER_00 1:45

Open a page, unlock your mind. Grow a little brighter, one book at a time. Stories that change you, wisdom that sticks. Welcome to Book Bright, your personal growth phase.

SPEAKER_03 2:05

Welcome, welcome, welcome to a new episode of Book Bright. We are deep diving into the book Letham Theory by Matt Robbins. And today we are talking about chapter 7 and chapter 8. But first, Sophia, welcome to you to our podcast. Well, thank you, my dear. That was very nice of you. Yeah, I know. So we always start with talking about our wins for the week. Yes. You know what?

SPEAKER_02 2:40

I could actually start with a sort of bookbrite-ish win. Yeah. Like it's a win for both of us for this week. Um because uh we, I mean, we talk to each other at least two or three times each week, like over the phone or on Zoom or something like that, and we text each other each day, and we have made this promise that we are going to talk English every time we talk to each other, right? Yeah, yes. So today, when we're recording this, it's been a month of us having just spoken English to each other all the time. Yeah, and for the past week, we have been living together, and we have been talking English 24-7. Yes, and that is freaking amazing.

SPEAKER_03 3:35

Yes, it is. We are so committed, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 3:38

We are we are so committed that we have been to the store and and the Swedish stores, and we have been speaking English to the staff, asking them questions, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 3:51

And the fun thing is they haven't uh responded in English at all, they have responded in Swedish. Yeah, I have like wondering, should I tell her that I don't understand what you are saying right now, or should I just go with the flow and like okay, never mind.

SPEAKER_02 4:12

Never mind, yeah. And like now that I say it out loud, I'm like, maybe that is a reflection that we're not really quite there yet with our English because they see through it and they're like, they're just pretending how stupid are they? I'm just gonna talk like Swedish with them because I know they're just faking it. They can't really know that because we are speaking English all the time. We're not no, not that.

SPEAKER_03 4:38

No, I have seen in their eyes how uncomfortable they are, like scared as hell. Like, oh no, no, no, no, no. Do I have to speak English? I take in Swedish, and I will really hope that you understand what I am saying. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 4:56

No, but that for like that is a huge book break win. Like, we we really want to become better at speaking English, and the only way to do that is to speak the language. So we're doing that together, like every time we're talking, or every time we're texting, it's in English. Um, and sometimes we forget, and we have this five-second rule. So we say, Well, five seconds English, English, made it, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 5:30

Um yeah, but um, for you who are listening, we have been away for a week, almost a week, and just focus worked, not with Bookbrite. We have worked, Sophia. You have been writing on your new book, and I have uh sitting with my online course, and yeah, really like we have to do stuff, we have to work. Yeah, and yeah, where were we going with this?

SPEAKER_02 6:01

I don't know. I'm just as curious as you are. Like, where is he going with this? But oh crap. That's why we've been living together for this week. We wanted both of us needed to get like a break from our families in order to do the stuff that we are doing. Like, as you said, I'm I'm writing on my new book and I need some focus time to do that. Um, and it was quite hard to do it uh with the kids. Uh so I just wanted to go away. Yeah, I remember now.

SPEAKER_03 6:31

Can I say it? It's possible. Yeah, in speak of the five-second rule. Um, yeah, we are when we are working with our own stuff and we are talking English to each each other, and at the same time, we are we are reading books in English, we are reading books in Swedish, we are sometimes writing English, sometimes writing in Swedish, so that the the language is just all over the place, and that's why we need to have this five-second rule. Because if I'm reading something and I want to talk with you about it, I'm per Atomatic just talking Swedish.

SPEAKER_02 7:11

Yeah, yeah, I know. It's like it takes a while for the brain to sort of connect that. Okay, so you've been sitting here writing for the past hour in Swedish, but now you want to say something in English? Like, no.

SPEAKER_03 7:25

No, no, you cannot do that. Oh, all right, okay, that that was a huge win. We have so many wins for this week, but I think that we really need to deep dive into the chapters now. Yeah, so that was like a joint uh win for us. Yes, right, yes win. Okay, good. Yes, all right. So chapter seven and chapter eight is my chapters, so I will make the summary. Yeah, and I will actually let you in in somewhere in the middle, I don't know where, but you will notice. Okay. Okay. Hit it. So, yes, and chapter seven is um the title of chapter seven is When Grown Up Throws Tantrums. In this chapter, we go a bit deeper into why and how you let other people's emotions and reactions control your decisions. Here's something important to understand. An adult's emotion often work the same way as a child's emotion. And it's not your responsibility to manage how someone else feels or reacts. If you live your life based on other people's emotions, their moods, their opinions, you will always end up putting yourself last. And this can show up in many different ways in you where you feel maybe guilt or you have fear of disappointing someone, you have fear of how someone might react, you may be walking on eggshells around someone's someone else's mood, you know, when someone is really grumpy and you're walking on eggshells, and oh I hope that person won't get mad at me. All of those is a sign that you are letting other people's behavior and emotional react like it their reactions drain your energy. So don't do that. And this is the most important part. It controls your choices and your decisions, and that's why you so often say yes when you actually want to say no to things. So the next time you notice yourself adapting someone else's emotions, ask yourself this question. Why am I taking responsibility for someone else's happiness at the cost of my own? So I will take it again because this is so important for you who are listening. When you are adapting to someone else's emotions, ask yourself this question. Why am I taking responsibility for someone else's happiness at the cost of my own happiness? And adults are often like children when it comes to emotions. So when you notice yourself tiptoeing, adjusting, and doing everything to keep someone else happy, take a pause. Just take a pause and imagine that the person you have in front of you as the same as an eight-year-old child. That will change your perspective. Because the truth is, many adults are like children but in bigger bodies. And most people were never taught how to handle their emotion uh in a help in a healthy way, and they definitely weren't taught how to clearly communicate what they need. And with let them you learn to respond with compassion because if you pause and you see them like an eight-year-old, and you just uh switch your perspective, you can see why they are acting like they are doing, and that will give you compassion for that people, for that person I mean. I'm sorry. And when you use a let them, give the other person space to be in their emotions because that is really healthy both for you and that person that is in front of you. And emotional maturity is not something you like you're born with, it's a skill that you need to practice, and that takes time. And Mal has this uh list in the book in the chapter that is uh quite funny, and I will like read the list. She shares a list of behaviors that shows how similar children and adults act when they are upset. So I will get this through, okay? Are you ready, Sophia? Do you want to hear my I am ready, yes. Okay, so when a child so the when a child are upset and the child runs away, the same behavior for an adult is where is that an adult avoids confrontation and when a child sulks in the corner an adult gives the silent retreatment and when a child shuts down an adult becomes cold or stoic when a child throws a tantrum, an adult erupts rage texts or kind of events or vents, and when a child slams the door, yeah well guess what? An adult slams a door too, and when a child lies, an adult also lies. So we have the same kind of behavior as a child and an adult, and that's really good to be aware of. And this is why we adult people are acting like this, is because when we were children, when we were a child, we would never learn how to be with our emotions, and that's why the same parents showed up when you became an adult. And not learning how to handle emotions as a child is one reason so many adults live with anxiety, depressions, addictions, or even chronic pain. And it's this is unprocessed emotions stored layer by layer inside the body. And remember this, really, really remember this. Both you, Sofia and you who are listening right now, that you cannot change an another person. They are not your responsibility. Because hoping that someone will change keeps you stuck in relationships with emotional immature, and sometimes some people even end up with someone else in a relationship that they are being emotional abuse, and you are the one who needs to change because you need to do a let them when you are in this situation with it, doesn't matter who it is, if you are in a situation with another people that really gets upset or have these feelings and emotions, and you have to do a let them, and remember that you have to change yourself to not react to their emotions because you have the power, when you do that, it means that you have the power in you. So do a let me. So, okay, now when we have gotten this far, we have the let them, we have the let me. Now let's flip it around. What if you are the problem? What if you are the emotional immature one? That's a good question. Because maybe if you have read the chapter, we listen to this episode as this far, maybe you have been thinking, hmm, but I am kind of acting like that. I have a lot of emotions. And because yes, it is easy to see this in other people, and it takes a lot of courage and self-awareness to see it in yourself and to admit it. So if you have been thinking about it right now, that's a good thing, you know. And this is the hardest part of the let them theory to practicing being with your emotions without reacting. It's normal to react, it's normal to uh to have all these emotions, so don't feel bad about yourself, but you have to practice to just be with the emotions, let them come, be there, and don't react, and that's hard. So hard. So when the emotions uh come up, think let them. Say to your emotions, let them. Let the anger come, let the frustration come, let the disappointment come, let the tears come. Let them and let me not react. Do nothing. Don't go to the fridge to to emotional eat something, don't grab your phone to scroll on social media. Just observe the emotions and allow them to be there. Because here's the truth, they will pass. And just little quick quick about what are emotions because we need to know what what exactly are emotions. And she is mentioning this in the chapter. Emotions are bursts of chemicals in your brain that moves that move into your body within seconds. They rise, and if you don't react, they will fall away within about 90 seconds. And emotions are also contagious, and this is important. When you see someone else being sad, angry or anxious, your body feels it too. Like you feel that's why you can walk into a room and feel the energy, you know, when you feel like oh, someone is really angry, someone is upset, or someone is feeling um anxious or in a bad mood. That's why other people's emotions trigger you, because you can feel it. And you cannot control whether emotions appear. So try to control that is only waste of your energy and time. Let them come so they can go. You cannot control how others react or behave, and you cannot control when emotions show up, shows up, but you can control how you think and how you respond to the people around you. Alright, that was chapter seven, Sophia. Now I will let you in. And how do you think about that?

SPEAKER_02 18:33

Well, this is sort of a chapter that goes. I mean, first when you read it, it's like, oh, everyone else are the problem, and then she starts talking like, well, maybe if you are the problem, and then you sort of like, okay, I I had to sit with it with this chapter for a while, like to be honest with myself. Like, how how far have I come in different relationships and in different scenarios? Because what I sort of realized when I was thinking about it was that I think I am like uh emotionally mature in different, I have a different levels of emotional maturity in sort of different relationships and different situations.

SPEAKER_01 19:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 19:20

Um like this is something I had to I have worked a lot with this um with my kids, for example. Like the my oldest kid, as I have said, uh is autistic, and there has been like well, he has sometimes hard to regulate his emotions. Um he might have been struggling a little bit more with that, uh, and with changes and stuff like that. So there has been a lot of confrontation, a lot of conflict ever since he was a little kid. And I know he's a kid, so I have to be the grown-up, but when there's something that's going on so much, it's it sort of gets under your skin. And I have had to really remind myself, like, okay, I cannot change him. I can only change me, and I can only by changing me be that kind of role model and sort of be that kind of safety for him, so that he gets the the tools and the role model and the the circumstances around him that actually allows him to be more emotional uh or more emotionally mature. And and he needs that support more than my other kids do. All kids need that support, you know what I mean. But yes, um, so in that way, I have been like really um really, really practicing that part of you cannot change someone else, you can only change yourself, and really like looking myself in the mirror, like, okay, how do I react when someone else sort of becomes angry or someone else does things? And what is my response? And to be honest, in my in my private relationship with my with my husband, I'm not proud to say that I am I mean I avoid confrontation, and that is something I need to work on, like instead of tiptoeing or like avoiding confrontation because I just don't want it.

SPEAKER_03 21:39

You're avoiding it.

SPEAKER_02 21:41

Yeah, I'm avoiding it, and instead I should be like, okay, why am I avoiding that? Is it because of him or is it because of me? Like, I I don't I don't always take that step. Um so that is like yeah, this chapter sort of got under my skin in the Sense of okay, how mature am I when it comes to the bigger picture? Like in all different scenarios. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. So that, yeah. Um, and also like, you know, what what if the problem is you? And you said that, you know, let them let the anger, let the frustration, let the whatever it is, the disappointment, just be there. And I think in another episode, I said that, you know, I can feel when I get angry, I sort of try and um mitigate that anger by watching the flames within me. And then I imagine imagine that flame becoming smaller. But that is also a case of what she's talking about here. Like, just by seeing that flame, I'm acknowledging that it is there. Um, and I don't always have to sort of force it to become smaller by imagining it smaller, it does sometimes go smaller by itself, just by me, like, okay, so here's the flames, I can see the I can see it building up, yeah, and just by acknowledging that I they it takes the edge off.

SPEAKER_03 23:16

Yes, and that's the thing with emotions that we are human beings. Yeah, it's uh you are not supposed to uh walk through lives without emotions, we have emotions, but if you suppress them and if you ignore them and if you store them inside of you, uh they will be stored inside of you in so many layers. Yeah, but if you don't want the emotions to be stored in your body, you have to watch them and see them, not to judge them, not to react on them, just alright, they are they are rising up, they are coming. And imagine like you're with the flames that the flames are coming and then the flames die out, and then and that's that's the process when the emotions not get stuck in your body.

SPEAKER_02 24:10

Yeah, because when you have all this, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 24:13

Oh, sorry.

SPEAKER_02 24:14

I just got another idea. Like I have this back injury, uh, and I've had it since I was like 17 or 18, something like that. Um and like before when I was not an entrepreneur and I was an employee uh and I went to work, I didn't want like I didn't want anyone to uh think less of me or think that I couldn't handle my work and you know stuff like that because I'm in pain every day. Um and I didn't want anyone sort of to see that or be affected by that or make judgment of me because of that. So I held a lot of pain within me. And like I didn't in the beginning of my career, especially, I didn't say to anyone like I have this problem, I didn't I didn't say that, and and um it got better, like my my my my back injury got better when I found all these different ways of handling it. But one way was that I also talked more about it, and because then I didn't have to tense up, you know, like if you're keeping a secret um and you're sitting there and you're and you're like in excruciating pain, but you don't want anyone to see or notice, then you sort of bottle it up and you suppress that pain sort of and you numb off emotionally. Um and then I started talking about it more, and it and that was really good. But then the interesting thing is that I thought I was when I left like my employer and became my own, I thought I was very transparent with how I was dealing with pain and stuff like that. I thought I was as transparent as I could be. But you know what? Since I quit being an employee and started to manage my own uh company and my own working hours and everything like that, of course, that has helped a lot as well, like with my pain. But I think also I don't have to put on like a brave face ever, you know? And that like so I don't have as much pain today as I had just a couple of years ago, and I think part of that is of course that I don't have to be in the office, I don't have to go by train and stuff that actually does bad things with my back, but I think one part of it is also that I am no longer having to suppress any emotions when it comes to how am I feeling physically.

SPEAKER_03 26:59

That's really good and it's connected. Yeah, I think it is. I think it is. Yes, it is, yeah. Because the the the emotions we have, uh it it becomes pain uh in the body. So of course, if you don't talk about it, so it's really really good. And I also want to say before we leave this chapter 7 that she is not saying it in these words, and but I am saying it, so it's my my it's me telling my take, me telling you and you who are listening that also with the old emotions that when when it's the emotion becomes wrong or kind of not danger, dangerous for you, but when you also will store it in your body, is when you identify yourself with the emotions. For example, if you thinking that oh crap, I am not good enough, I am not I'm I'm not I am not good at doing this as good as Sophia is, for example. And if I've got this anxiety about it, and I identify myself, like yeah, I am this emotion, this emotion says that I am not good enough, and that's true, that's my identity. Well, that will truly be stored in your body, and that's why we have to only just observe them. Yeah, you are not your feelings, you are you. Yeah, yeah. Alright then, so I have to go through chapter eight, so I will move forward here if it's okay. Do it, do it, and I usually put the chapters together, but chapter eight has its own take, and it's really good to talk about it. That's why I did it in two chapters, and chapter eight is about um the title is The Right The Right Decision Often Feels Wrong, and that's really good things to talk about. And sometimes you find yourself in situations where the right decisions decisions feels wrong because it would hurt other people. And Mel is sharing a story about a man who wrote to her. He was about to get married, but deep down he didn't want to. It felt wrong to go through the wedding, but also at the same time it felt impossible to cancel it. His partner would be heartbroken, of course, and his parents would be angry and disappointed disappointed, and also her parents because they were already in preparation for the wedding. And this is how it often happens, and that we do things we don't want to do, just to avoid dealing with the emotion that becomes if we don't. It feels um it feels too uncomfortable so we avoid it, so we just let it slide. But remember here, it's not your job to protect other people from uncomfortable emotions. Your job your job your job I just want to say that this is your job is to live your life in alignment with your values, to live your life in a way that it's true to you, okay? Not to anyone else. So let the emotions come. Let them be sad, let them be angry, let them be disappointed. It's only for now in the short term. Standing in that emotional storm is not easy and you need to practice it. Learn that emotions come and go and pause and stay with them. It is hard, I know. So learn to ride the emotional waves because they will rise and fall, as some as everything else. They rise up and they will fall, and they will do that also in the people around you that you think that you are hurting by your decisions. And when it feels unbearable, remind yourself this too shall pass. End of chapter eight, Sophia. Yeah. When you are in this situation and don't want to hurt anyone else, although somebody else, it's so hard.

SPEAKER_02 31:29

It is hard, and it's also like you don't want to like it's I the first things that comes up in my mind is actually like work-related. Like I I worked with so many managers and CEOs that you know they they are really good at the business stuff and they can make hard decisions and stuff like that. When, but when they have a situation with an employee that they need to deal with, they're like putting it off, right? They're like, oh, I don't want to have that discussion. I don't want to tell him or her that she is doing a loosely job or coming in late or whatever it is. Um, because not only do you not want to hurt that other person, like you don't want that person to be angry, that you're sort of afraid that okay, he should he or she will react in some sort of way, but you don't you also don't know how will I handle that situation, how will I deal with those emotions in that room? I don't I don't know how to do that. Um no, so it's uncomfortable. It is uncomfortable, and at the same time, every single manager uh that I've talked to and sort of coached that okay, but if you do it this way, you have to do that, and come on, let's just book the the call or the meeting or whatever. As soon as they've done it, then then everything is out on the table. You can talk about it. Yes, people are crying, they are screaming, whatever sometimes, but they survived. Yes, both the person who was really, really hurt, but also like the manager who is sitting there and didn't want to hurt that person. Yes, and the longer you wait, you actually can inflict more pain into that person. And I think that is the same as with the wedding. I think Mel said that as well, like for for her sake, because in the in the chapter they don't say if he actually called off the wedding or not, but Mel is sort of encouraging him to call off the wedding because not only for his own sake, but also for her. Like, why are you dragging this out?

SPEAKER_03 33:54

Yeah, it's not nice to her. It is not nice to her. She she don't want to be with someone or live with someone that don't want her. No, so you're not doing that person a f favor, yeah. No, and that's the thing with the short term and long term. Yeah, it feels awful and terrible in the short term right now when you are going to say it and do it. But in the long term, it will be so much better for everyone, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 34:24

And that is applicable, even if it's not a marriage, it could be like your business partner that you're not getting along with, or you're not believing in this um relationship that you're forming from a business perspective. It might be that, like, okay, don't drag it out. Like, it's better off for every party the less invested you have become.

SPEAKER_03 34:49

Yeah, 100%. Yeah. Yeah. So I I don't know if we there isn't that so much more to say about that chapter, actually, but I just wanted to to it to have their own its own space, you know, because it's so important to just remind both you and me, us, and the the one who is listening, that if you are in that situation, don't do things for everyone else, do things for you. It's your life, and you are responsible for your own happiness.

SPEAKER_02 35:24

Yeah. So, yes, that's all I just wanted to add something like this. I think, and I know that she has written the book from the point of view of the grown-up, and she has an appendix in the end that we haven't come to yet when it comes to children. But I think somewhat you need to have this perspective as well when it comes to kids. Like, you can't protect them always from all the emotions or all the failures in life, or all the like you can't do that, you're doing them a disservice. Like, like you want to avoid saying to your son or daughter that uh you can't like the the the competition that they entered, they weren't fit for or whatever. And you're trying to sort of like often we sort of like, okay, let's buy some extra candy for tonight night when we're telling our daughter or son this um to sort of mitigate the fall. And well, I don't think that is the best thing to do all the time. I think like just sitting there with that kid and having like I am here, and it's okay to be really disappointed. You don't have to have extra candy or popcorn or whatever to have like to bounce back from that. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_03 36:46

Yes, yes, yes. That's exactly what it is. Like when you do that, you you are suppressing the emotions. Like no, it you don't need to be it's okay, it's okay, it's okay. But if you are a really, really good parent, you do what you told that you are doing with your kid, that let him be with his emotions because every kid needs to be kids, aren't you? Kids aren't mature when it comes to uh we we cannot label them if they are immature or not when it comes to emotions. They need to have their emotions. We all need to have them just to feel them. But to make a safe space, it's okay if you are disappointed, it's okay if you are angry, if you are mad, yeah. Be with emotions and and learn and teach them to be with emotions. They are dangerous, no, but they will be dangerous if they don't learn how to be with them, because they it's stores in the body, and yeah, they will reach out and I think we have like later, yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_02 37:55

Because I think we have huge responsibility there as parents because yes, we are sort of teaching our kids to um like deflect, you say that, like deflect from the emotions. Oh, look at here, let's watch a movie instead, or you know, uh, let's call grandma and grandpa, or you know, they're starting to cry, and we're sort of like, don't cry, let's do this instead. Oh, don't be angry, let's eat candy.

SPEAKER_03 38:24

Yeah, and like because that is because we're setting them up, yeah, because we are uncomfortable with dealing with their emotions. That it's yeah, oh no, not again. I don't want them to be sad, let's do something else.

SPEAKER_02 38:37

Yeah, no, but we're just setting them up to be grown-ups that don't have emotional maturity because we never gave them the tools for it. Um, exactly, and in order to give them the tools, you have to start with yourself and like, okay, how do I react? Um, but I think that for me at least, that is a great sort of uh motivator that I want my kids to be able to sit with their emotions and not go through like because I for several years when I was upset, I just ate something. Yes, that's so cool. I ate yeah, yeah. Um, and that is not, I mean, you don't want to do that.

SPEAKER_03 39:21

No, no, but that's something we have been I I wonder if that also isn't Swedish thing that we do. Like uh we have this call fika, yeah, and and also that we eat in snacks. So uh if we are celebrating something, we eat like um sugar. Yeah. If we are sad, we eat sugar, we eat sugar every time we bring the emotions happy or unhappy on the table.

SPEAKER_02 39:51

Yeah, but I think that acts. I mean, I don't think that's a just a Swedish thing. I think most cultures or Western cultures anyway, as I know. Um I mean, if there's a birthday, you celebrate with cake or something. Like you often have like food that brings you together in many cultures, uh, regardless of that's true.

SPEAKER_03 40:14

Yeah, yeah, that's true.

SPEAKER_02 40:15

Um so, but just the thing that if you want to break a pattern, then you have to you won't be able to break a pattern with your kids unless you help them, and the only way to help them to sit with their emotions is to for you to sit with yours.

SPEAKER_03 40:35

Yeah, exactly. And and that's uh I just want to go back to the list that Mel did because that is so you can see it in if you see an adult like doing something, for example, uh you met an adult that has this, yeah, you have um an argument, you you are you are upset in some way, this adult is an upset person, and if that person is avoid confrontation, that person probably was the child that ran away. And if uh I can take someone else, if uh you are as an adult slamming the door, yeah, you probably did that when you were a child too.

SPEAKER_02 41:24

And yeah, and it could also be like that your parents did, yeah, right? Yeah, like I I have seen like you know, the when you're wrapped in like a tantrum or you get really angry, like I have seen kids that okay, they are doing that, and then you turn around and you see their parents doing the same. Like, okay, wait a minute. Yeah, like yeah, I think what how we are dealing with it is also something perhaps that comes from how we have been modeling like what models we have had, the behavior we're modeling. Yes, of course, yeah, because like I avoid confrontation, I for sure can see that you know my mother uh and my father they avoided confrontation. Like I when they argued, I never saw I never heard or saw my parents argue, never ever. And I know that they weren't always thinking the same thing, but they sort of went away. So I always like when I was younger, I saw my mother, uh, and I've talked to her about this, and I I said it like when I grew grew up, but when I was young, I didn't understand because I never saw my mom win an argument. Like being like I could see that my dad would say something, and and my mom just didn't, she didn't respond. Like she didn't say anything against it. Like if I wanted to go outside and I wanted to be out for like till midnight or something, let's say, and my dad was like, no, don't do that. No, you're not gonna do that. And then my mother wouldn't say anything, but then they disappeared and they went away, not exactly then, maybe, but they disappeared and then they would come back, or my dad would come back like an hour later or something, or half an hour later, and he would say, Well, okay, then be out till midnight. And I always thought that he just sort of changed his mind, you know. But as I became older when I grew grew up, I was like, Oh my god, it's my mother. My mother has behind the scenes because she didn't want me to see that she didn't because her parents had been like really fighting, so she didn't want um, she wanted to avoid all sort of fighting in the house.

SPEAKER_03 43:59

This is so interesting. Interesting because I can see what she is doing and also that okay, uh the both of them when if your mom is saying something we we know, we say your dad is saying no, and your mom cannot say against him when you hear, because that will teach you, like, oh, and that's words is um they are not true. I can always go behind his words, so she don't want to throw him under the bus. But it can also be wrong if they always go away and don't show the emotions for you.

SPEAKER_02 44:40

Yeah, yeah. And like I think maybe if my mother always if if she had sometimes um said something, and sometimes maybe she had been the one when they came back, when my dad came back, she would have been the one to say something. Like, I don't know, I'm just speculating. But you know, I think I think that yeah, they intentionally, yeah. Yeah, I think the avoidance pattern that she had, like, she was not avoiding the confrontation. I mean, she confronted my dad, but in private, yes, but I think part of that I have gotten like I don't want to in front of others confront or do. I I sort of avoid it, yes.

SPEAKER_03 45:25

Um, because you don't do you don't know how you should do it because you haven't seen your parents do it. No, I'm totally lost.

SPEAKER_02 45:34

Yeah, I'm over 14, I'm totally lost.

SPEAKER_03 45:37

No, but I can learn, I can teach you. I can teach you. Well, thank you. Yeah, I know how to do it. You know how to confront.

SPEAKER_02 45:47

Okay, that sounds good.

SPEAKER_03 45:49

I I'm I'm practicing uh like every day on Jonah's. I know how to do it. No, I'm just kidding. Okay, no, just kidding.

SPEAKER_02 46:01

Yeah, yeah. So that was my only sort of like thinking that maybe it's not just how you were acting as a kid, it might be something that you were taught, sort of, uh, by modeling people around you. So that might be something that sits with you until you're grown up, that sort of pattern. Because that is what you have learned or modeled.

SPEAKER_03 46:26

Yeah, good take. Ah, all right then. Do you have something more to say about this? Or are we going to wrap this up?

SPEAKER_02 46:35

Yeah.

unknown 46:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 46:36

I don't have anything more.

SPEAKER_03 46:37

No. Okay, good. So thank you, Sophia, and thank you who are listening. And you who are listening, don't um forget to push the subscribe button on the platform where you are listening to this podcast. And I really want you now to reflect. What was the main take, the one biggest take that you take from this episode? Write it down if you can. And why is that important to you? Why is that take important to you? And how are you going to implement that into your life so you can start to live this book? Alright, that was three things that you need to do if you want to do it with this chapter and this episode. And with that said, I will say thank you to you who are listening and thank you, Sophia, for today. We will see you next week in chapter 9 and 10. Have a really nice day. Bye. Bye!