S4E7: The Let Them Theory - Mastering adult friendship

Why adult friendships feel so hard

Why does friendship feel so effortless when you’re young…and so much harder as an adult?

In this episode, we dive into Chapters 11–13 of The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins and unpack what’s really going on in adult friendships.

We talk about:

• why friendships naturally change as life evolves
• “the great scattering” – when everyone moves in different directions
• the three pillars of adult friendship: proximity, timing, and energy
• and why connection no longer happens by default 

We also explore the harder parts:
👉 outgrowing friendships and why it’s not a failure
👉 the fear of drifting apart
👉 and how to stop taking everything personally

Because not all friendships are meant to last forever.
Some are for a season. Some are for a reason.

And if you want deep relationships as an adult?
You have to create them.

Let them be where they are.
And let me show up.

This episode is about connection, courage and redefining what friendship actually looks like in real life.

📚 Book: The Let Them Theory

📚 Chapters: Mastering adult friendship

___________________________________________________________

👯 Hosts: Sofia Stigendal & Marielle Almquist
🎧 Editing: Elmer Hermansson
📲 Follow us on Instagram & TikTok @bookbright_podcast
— and don’t hesitate to reach out with your reflections and thoughts.

BookBright: Review, Rethink & Rewrite your story – one book at a time!

Get a book brief for each episode: https://bookbrightpodcast.com/bookbrief 

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Just to know that it's okay. You don't need to have lots of friends. It's up to you. And it's okay. And also that friends is supposed to come and go into your life. That was for me such a relief when I read read these chapters.

SPEAKER_00 0:19

Open a page, unlock your mind. Grow a little brighter. One book at a time. Stories that change you wisdom that sticks. Welcome to Book Write, your personal growth fix.

SPEAKER_01 0:47

Welcome to Book Bright, the podcast that goes old school on personal development. We don't just read books, we live them. One chapter at a time. We're Sophia and Marielle. Two suites, imperfect English included, balancing kids, dogs, and business life while diving into international bestsellers. And here's the thing: the book on your nightstand won't change your life until you do something with it. That's why we're here. To unpack, apply, and sometimes stumble our way through the ideas together. On the road to making it applicable, this is personal development. Live that loud.

SPEAKER_00 1:31

Open a page, unlock your mind. Grow a little brighter, one book at a time. Stories that change you, wisdom that sticks. Welcome to Book Bright, your personal growth phase.

SPEAKER_02 1:51

Welcome, welcome to a new episode of Book Bright. We are right now deeping dive into the let them theory by Mel Robin. And today we are going to talk about friendship and how to use the let them and let me in the topic of friendship. But first, I will welcome you, Sophia. Welcome to this episode and this week. And I will ask you, how are you? How are you?

SPEAKER_01 2:20

I am fine, thank you. I am fine, thank you.

SPEAKER_02 2:23

Good. So, what do you have for wins? We always start with wins. Yes. And you have the honor to begin. What is what are your wins?

SPEAKER_01 2:35

My wins are like my biggest win is actually like my son, just two weeks ago, or maybe two and a half weeks ago, or something like that, he got this is not a win in itself. It sounds horrible horrible that I'm sort of introducing it like that, but he had an epileptic seizure. Um and he had epilepsy when he was a kid, and he had his last seizure when he was two. And the doctors always said that you know it's going to come back, and now it has. So now the epilepsy is back, and I hate it. I really, really hate it, and I'm really sorry for him in all of this. Um, because he's of course really upset and scared and everything. Uh, but my win in this is still that, you know, me and his father are so like focused on this and not like we have done this before, you know, like we did this when he was younger. So I am really, really grateful for the fact that we are not like panicking, or of course we are emotional about this. I mean, as I said, I cannot say it enough. I hate epilepsy and I hate that he has it, but I'm really grateful that Mia and his father are like, okay, so we can do this. We can be the emotional support that he actually needs without freaking out ourselves or letting our emotions sort of uh affect him. Um, and that I am really grateful and proud of that, and that is a huge win uh to not be or to be like regulated in my nervous system as to how I'm dealing with this. That, you know, I am of course sad and I have been crying, but I have been able to not only pull it together, but to really be there for my son, right? So that for me is a huge win.

SPEAKER_02 4:47

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, really, you're strong.

SPEAKER_01 4:51

I don't I don't know if I'm strong, but but but you are when you can just be in this calmness, yeah, and I'm grateful for that calmness, yeah. It's not shutting away, you know, like there's a difference between being calm and being like numb, like you're just on autopilot and just doing stuff, and I'm not there, I'm not numb, I'm not doing it on autopilot. I sort of it has sort of landed in me, so I am calm. Like we are going to figure this out, and like I'm so grateful also, like for this was more like a grateful thing, maybe than a win.

SPEAKER_02 5:32

A grateful thing is a win.

SPEAKER_01 5:33

Yeah, a grateful thing is a win. And I'm really grateful for my husband for the way he sort of tackles this, and he's like, in many ways, he's such a technical nerd, like he knows everything about tech, and sometimes that can annoy me, but because that's what he leads with, like the tech. Um, but in this instance, he's been like really, you know, all over the place with making sure that our son has like a panic button and he has all these different tools to help him feel secure. And us being really calm and collected about it makes it not worse. Because you know, you could be making the situation worse by just like, okay, so you need this and you need this, and you you know, and making him really stress about it. But I don't think I don't feel like that's where we're at. We are more at like, okay, so this is something that we can use, like to feel more better because our son, he didn't, of course, he didn't want to go to sleep, and he has been afraid of going to sleep and and everything. Um, so yeah, I'm grateful, and that is my win. To be grateful in the situation where I'm also in the same sentence mentioning epilepsy, that's a huge win.

SPEAKER_02 6:53

Yeah, it really is. Thank you for sharing. Well, thank you. Yeah, what about you? What are your wins? Yes, what are my wins? So I think I have talked about that. I have like started to meditate every day, you know, in in uh some other episode, and that that meditation thing is really, I think it it really really has started to kick in because I have you know so much more energy than I had before, and I'm so uh I I started to feel like I'm I'm real calm and I don't react to things that that is what the meditation does for you, but now it has taken a step further, so I have so much more energy, and you know, I'm starting to making changes in my life effortlessly. Oh, I hear it effortlessly, yes, without resistance. Like I have going to I have started training again, and it's so fun, and I really, really love it, and it's so easy to go there, to go to the gym or to the it's kickboxing, and also I have changed my nutrition, so I eat more clean food and better food, and you know, I I just feel so really good and have so much energy in my body, and I really think that it is because of the meditation that I am doing every day, yeah. So I'm so grateful for that. Awesome! I love that for you. Yes, me too. I have been really, you know, in this hole with yeah, where everything is like a resistance, yeah, but no, it's not. I'm just so I feel so light in my body and in my mind, and yeah, so that's a huge win that I just want to share this week. Awesome, thank you so much. So we had completely different, but that's okay.

SPEAKER_01 9:07

But still, the like the common demon denominator was like gratefulness, gratefulness, yes, yeah. All right, so should we dive into like the friendship part?

SPEAKER_02 9:20

Yes, we should. This is a really, really good chapter.

SPEAKER_01 9:25

Chapters, yeah, it's like a theme, yeah, yeah. Several chapters.

SPEAKER_02 9:30

So I am going to talk about chapter 11, 12, and 13. And these chapters is about friendship. But it's not about the romanticized version of friendship we often like carry with us. This is about how friendship actually works in adult life and why so many of us end up feeling lonely, confused, or even like we fail when relationships change. Because it does when we are an adult. It's it's not when we were kids. And Mel starts by reminding us of something very basic: that we are social beings, we need connection, we need belongings, we when we need people around us to feel good. And when we were kids, life our life was designed to meet all that needs. And uh when we grew up until our early like twenties, we saw the same people every day. We were in the same class, we got to the same after school activities, we played in the same sports teams, and the friendship was structured, it was planned, and it was very effortless. And you were automatically a part of a group without even have to think about it. It just was. But then we grew up and everything changes. That safe bubble that you had when you were young, it's just suddenly bursts. Some of your friends moved away, some changed jobs, some enter completely different phases of life, like someone maybe starts to have kids, someone focuses on their career, and someone goes through an inner transformation, and someone else stays where they are, in the same in the same like village. And it is when everyone spreads out in different directions, and suddenly many of us are sitting there feeling alone and thinking that there must be something wrong with me. But you know, there isn't. Friendship in adulthood is simply harder, it just is. It's harder to create, it's harder to maintain, and sometimes it's really painful to accept when it changes. The problem is that we still accept, expect friendship to work the way it did when we were kids. Like it should just happen, but adult friendship requires something completely different. And here's the interesting part, begin. And because in the book, Mel talks about three core pillars that are very, very important if you want a friendship to work in adult life. Okay, and these three three pillars are number one, proximity, number three, number two, timing, and number three energy. And I'm going to talk about these three and take you through it. So let's start with proximity. Proximity is about how much time you actually spend together with your friend. The more time you share, the deeper the relationship becomes. Just if you just want to become a casual friend with your friend, it that takes like hours together, you have to spend hours, but if you really, really want to build a really close friendship, that often takes hundreds of hours. And when we were kids, that time came naturally. We saw each other every day, we did the same things every day, but as an adult, we have to choose it intentionally because you know we live different lives with different jobs and we have family and stuff. So you really, really have to choose it intentionally, otherwise it simply doesn't happen. Okay, so proximity is about how much time you spend together, and it's also important that you spend the time together in real life, like in real life, not like in a digital way. Yeah. Yeah, it's deeper when you see each other. Yeah. So but proximity alone isn't enough, even though you spend a lot of time, because you do, like if maybe you who are listening have co-workers and you spend so many time, so much time with your co-workers almost every day, but you don't have this deep relationship with them, and they aren't your closest friend, and that's where timing comes in. And timing was number two. So proximity doesn't work alone. You also have need to have timing, and timing asks if you and your friend are in the same phase of life, or if you or your like co-workers are in the same phase of your life, do you have something in common right now? If you are living completely different lives and realities, it becomes it will be really hard to truly meet each other, even if you like another. Okay, so if you are not at the same place in life, well, you're not going to build that really deep relationship with that person. And then we have the third one, and that's energy. And it's simply you either click or you're not, or you don't click with each other. And what's important to understand is that energy changes over time. We grow, we evolve, we shift direction. Something that once felt natural can start to feel empty, and that doesn't mean that anyone did anything wrong. And here is when we are in this situation, when you have a friend, when you have a friendship with someone, and you are drifting away, you know, and you feel like shit, what is happening? Is it something wrong with me or something wrong with with you, Sophia? Yeah, here is where many of us make a big mistake. Because we focus on everything that's no longer working instead of accepting that the relationship has changed. We hold on to friendships out of fear because we know that if we let go, the relationship might drift away, and that hurts. But Mel is very clear in the book, and she said that not all friends are meant to stay forever. And take that, just remind that and have that with you. Not all friends are meant to stay forever. Some are meant for a season and some come for a specific reason. And that's not failure, that's growth. And this is where the let them comes in. Let them isn't about judging, making assumptions or shutting doors. It's about maturity. It's about being able to pause and ask what might be going on for them and what's going on for me. Just because someone doesn't reach out doesn't mean the friendship is over. Sometimes all it takes is a text, a conversation, a bit of flexibility, and you and your friend will find your way back to each other. Or it simply is that you have been growing apart. And in the end, Mel lands on something really important. Adult friendship doesn't just happen, it's something you create. Remember that. If you want deep relationships, you have to take initiative. Be the one who says who says hello first, be the one who invites, be the one who stays open. Use let me, let me be that person. Because the best friendship of your life don't come from the perfect circum circumstances, they come from courage, presence and willingness to meet people where they are, without holding on too tightly and without taking everything personally. The end of the friendship. So what's going on in your mind, Sophia? Because I saw that you like, hmm, interesting. You did that interesting face.

SPEAKER_01 19:00

I did that interesting. I have an interesting face. Yeah, you have. Yeah. Uh no, I think uh I think when I made that face, it was when you said in the end here that you know adult friendship is not something that just happens. You have to work for it, you have to create it, you have to be showing up. And I think that like having this whole like sort of breakdown of how friendship happens when you're younger, because it's mostly like proximity, timing, energy is all there, like automatic. Of course, that is like uh a circumstance that you don't have when you're an adult in the same way, which makes it harder, but also like that you're moving into that new phase of having kids and having a partner and sort of trying just to make that work, yeah. So showing up and just going out and finding new people is really hard. Like in one sense, I have always said that you know, I don't have a lot of friends, I have a few, um, but I have like really deep connections with them. Um, and in one sense, I would, I mean, I would like to have more friends, like in one sense. Um but on the other hand, I'm like, do I have the energy to show up and just to create it and to sort of start like start a new hobby and be the don't take a friend with me just to go to new hobby and find new friends, and like there's so much going on in life itself, and yeah, I get it. Then I can't have more friends and I can't like be bitter about it, but you know, I'm just talking around.

SPEAKER_02 20:55

But just it's it's okay just to know that it's okay, yeah. To you don't need to have lots of friends, it's up to you, and it's okay, and and also that friends is supposed to come and go into your life. That was for me such a relief when I read read these chapters because I was like, Yeah, of course, we need a timing. Number two, the timing, it's because we are yeah, we are changing and evolving and uh all the time, and sometimes it feels hard, like I feel bad when I don't want to be with a friend anymore because yeah we don't have the same interesting anymore, or we do different things, or something happened, but it's okay. Yeah, and maybe you will meet up with that friend uh later later in life again. Yeah. The timing is right.

SPEAKER_01 22:01

Yeah. And also like what because I like the way that you said that like you have friendships for a season or for a reason. Yeah. Like that really resonates with me. And yeah. And I also like I have I have a childhood friend. Like I have known her since I was seven. Oh my god, that's like 40 years almost.

unknown 22:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:28

Okay. So I have known her for 40 years. But I think that because we knew each other when we were small and had the the sort of proximity, the timing, and the energy then, it and act and because we both sort of like I think because the energy is also very much there, like we really do click, right?

SPEAKER_00 22:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:52

So even though we don't have the proximity anymore, that we don't we're still in the same sort of phase of life.

SPEAKER_02 23:00

You have done your hundreds of hours together. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 23:04

Yeah. And because the the the energy is so strong that doesn't wear off. So it can take, it can go like months, it could be a year before we talk to each other. But you know, like I still consider her to be one of my absolute best friends and or closest friends because she knew me from the beginning. And that means she knows me in another way. So she doesn't know that part of me that well or that deep. But she knows like the little Sophia and can still sort of navigate some discussions that we have based on that. But they're in real time now. We're not talking about memories and stuff, right? So um I don't know where I'm going with this, but I was like, more more of like you can have people with you for the whole for the for 40 years, right? Yes, but that doesn't mean that the proximity needs to be there like X amount of hours all the time to still have that core sort of friendship. Like I would be when my mother passed away, she called me, I texted her, I told her, and she was like, Okay, so should I come to you or should you come to me and let's cry and talk? Right? Yeah, awesome.

SPEAKER_02 24:48

And yeah, and I I love those friendships when when the time just when you are that's not a factor. No, exactly, exactly. When you come to that point, yeah. Um I have I have um uh some some friends that are like of them men, I have a lot of my closest friends are men besides of you. Okay you are you are like and the late save there, but yeah, you are like in the but what did you say?

SPEAKER_01 25:23

The this the my my unicorn this circle of friends on the unicorn with a with a strange face, but okay, yeah besides of my sister, but she's my sister, so it doesn't come.

SPEAKER_02 25:39

Yes, she's family, and uh my my coach, my crossfit coach, I have been training. I started out training with him ten years ago, and I was and we spent a lot of time together in the box. It it calls box the gym, it's calling box. Yeah, uh yeah, I was training like every second day for seven years, and then I moved away for one year to another city, so I was off, and then I have been struggling to get my back to there again, but now I have now I'm there, and you know our relationship is like yeah, it's like it always has we are that close as usual, yeah. We were for many years ago, yeah. So that was something that I really uh thought about this week, like, huh? It's so interesting how we just like yeah, it's it's like these years apart doesn't matter, it's like they're not existing, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 26:45

Yeah, it's awesome that when you once you have sort of made that a solid foundation, it's there. Yeah. But on this on the on the flip side though, I mean, I do have I mean I do have uh childhood friends that I do not longer I don't talk to them. Like I I haven't texted some of them about my mother, I haven't told them that because like I don't like when I texted my friend about my mother, I knew she would be there, you know, and I wanted her to be there, right? Yes, and with the other friends, I'm like, okay, they are going to say like beautiful things and you know everything, but they're probably not going to come here, and I don't seek their emotional support, right? No, you don't click anymore. No, we don't click anymore. Maybe that's it. Yeah, because we are in the same phase of life. No, but we are in the same phase of life, okay, in the sense of like in the bigger picture, like being parents of children about roughly the same age. Um, okay, so I'm an entrepreneur, they're not, but that seems like a small thing, at least in the biggest scheme of it all. Um and they also have like parents that are the same age and struggling with diseases. I mean, they're yeah. Um and we did have like a lot of time that we spent together when we were younger. But maybe it's not like yeah, I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 28:28

Yeah, but you don't need to hold on. That's what Smell is talking about. Don't don't don't hold too tightly, just no let it be. Yeah, it is what it is. Yeah. If you don't if you if you don't really, really want if if you really really want that relationship, you have to work for it. But yeah, if you feel like no, I I don't need that, it's okay.

SPEAKER_01 28:52

Yeah. And I also thought about that, like I I was um I was invited to a um like a party not long ago, and I went to I don't know if I've said this, but I went to that party, and you know, I don't like parties.

SPEAKER_02 29:09

Like no, I I know that you don't.

SPEAKER_01 29:12

Yeah, there's too many people, there's like this loud noise, and you know, you have to talk about yourself, and you know, I just it's not for me. I don't like those kinds of environments, right? Um, and there's so many people there at this party that I didn't know either, like all strangers, but I did go there because I have found this person and we have just sort of talked a little bit throughout like two or three years, not a lot, but like I want to have her in my life, right? So uh I went there because I know that I want to show up for her and celebrate her, yeah. So making it more about her than about my awkwardness of being in the party. Um yeah, that's good. That oh, that's really good.

SPEAKER_02 30:14

That's proximity, yeah. The first one, proximity, when you really spend time together in real life, yeah. Like not on the phone or in no, exactly.

SPEAKER_01 30:26

Like, and I mean I didn't see her that much because there were like 50 other people there as well, but I still sort of like I showed up, I was there. Yeah, I showed her that I want to be here, I want to this matters to me. Yeah, uh, and I think that sort of counts as well because it's sending a signal to yourself and it's also sending perhaps a signal to her, but more more so it's really sending a signal to me that okay, so this is worth showing up for, this is worth creating something, this is worth like leaving the kids and making like they might have like don't care about that, care about something else, yeah. Because you can always have like if you have kids and you're in the middle of life and stuff like that, you can always have like an excuse for not showing up, like I said in the beginning, like how do you make life just go around? Like, I don't have the time to go to start a new hobby or something like that. But if that was like a top priority for me, that you know, someone I sort of clicked with said that they are going or something like that, I might just do that because, like, okay, so this is important to me because I want to show up for that person, or I don't know. Oh, yes, so good, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 31:52

And I was I was also thinking about our relationship, Sophia. Because you we live like five hours apart if you take the car from each other, so it's uh it's not like we just see each other in real life every day because we talk in the phone and we podcasting and see see each other dig each other digitally, yeah. But we also prioritize, yes, we also prioritize to see each other in real life, we're doing stuff together, and when I think about it, when I look back at our journey, yeah, every time that we have spent time together, we are like deeping our relationship, yeah, for sure, yes. So the proximity part is so important because yeah, we were like we were in in a week in a cottage and worked together. You work with your book, and I work with my course, and and yeah, but yeah, you know, the the effortlessly relationship that we had, like we are just flowing and are synchronized with each other and everything, yeah. It's it's so easy, and that's because we have spent so much time with each other, so we know each other, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 33:14

And also, I think like what I said before, like we in this situation that I just referenced to the party and everything, I think we both want to show up for the other person, right? Yes, yes, uh, because it's a relationship that we do want to keep, like that's what we've said with the podcast and everything. Like, okay, so we're doing this for our for our sake, uh, if it sort of takes a toll on our friendship, it's not worth it, right? Yeah, so exactly, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 33:44

So, yes. So if if we or you who are listening, if you have a relationship, a really, really good and solid relationship with someone right now, and you are asking yourself, like, okay, I don't want this relationship to end. How do I keep it solid and intact? Think about these three pillars um proximity, timing, and energy. Yeah, and all but also remind yourself that if the timing isn't right in life right now, it's okay. Don't like hold on too tightly to that person because maybe that person needs to take her or his own journey, her own path. But these three pillows are yeah, it's really, really good and important to have in mind when it comes to religious.

SPEAKER_01 34:38

And also, like, do you show up? Like, do you because I'm thinking of a friend in like a circle of friends, and she is the one who sort of makes us get together, right? She is the one who's like, okay, so it's been too long, now we have to do this and this, and let's get there and stuff like that. But as soon as she sort of steps down from that, we're not gathering as a group, but she still gets like the invites, right? From the rest of us to do stuff when there is stuff to do, like, right? Uh, so if you want to, and I have been thinking about that, like, okay, so I don't want to lose her from my life, but have I really been showing up making the effort to invite her to say that I want to see you? I've sort of become a bit lazy, I think. Like, well, she handles that, you know? Don't take your take your relationship for granted. Yeah, exactly. Um, so I think it's also that like if you have a great relationship that you want to keep, like how much of that great relationship is from you showing up, from you uh creating that proximity, from you um inviting and creating the time for you to meet up and do stuff, and you know, yeah. Um yeah. Yeah. And even if the other person is not if the other person is not doing that in return, like you could either like male sells that, okay, so it doesn't have to do, it doesn't have to be anything that you have done, or you know, it can just be like life. Um and if you're interested, still I mean, if it's important to you, still invite that person, still reach out to that person, but you can also just talk to the person and ask, I think. Yes, of course. Like, okay, so I just want to touch base and see if like I love our relationship, I can't be always the one who reaches out, or maybe I can, but is it like that you're not doing it? Does that mean anything? Right? Yes, yeah, you could have that conversation as well, of course, of course. All right, are we going to wrap this up? Yeah, I don't I don't have anything. I don't have anything more to say on the topic of friendship in either or not from this perspective at least.

SPEAKER_02 37:14

No, we can talk about this as well for hours, but yeah, it's not necessary to do that. You get the point, okay.

unknown 37:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 37:24

So you who are listening, what what is the one the take that you what is the one the take? What is the what what do you take with you from these chapters about friendships? What what is the one thing that is like top of your mind right now that was like, oh, this was so good, this was so important? And ask yourself, why is this important for you right now? And how can you take action on that today or tomorrow? How can how can you do something with it? Yeah. That's the three questions I want to give you to reflect on this episode. And I really really hope that you like this episode and that you are reading the book with us. And thank you today for this episode. Thank you, Sophia, thank you, you are listening, and we will see you next week. Have a really nice week and day. Bye bye!