S4E10: The Let Them Theory - Choosing the love you deserve

Stop chasing potential...

What if the problem isn’t them…but that you’re staying?

In this episode, we dive into Chapters 18–20 of The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins and explore what it really means to choose the love you deserve.

We talk about:

• why behavior is the clearest signal of how someone feels about you
• how confusion in dating is actually the message
• why your standards matter more than your feelings in the moment
• and the truth most people avoid: if you stay, that’s your choice 

We also go deeper into relationships beyond dating:
👉 why you need to stop chasing potential and start facing reality
👉 how to handle commitment conversations without losing yourself
👉 and what it means to truly accept someone as they are (or walk away)

And in one of the most important reflections in the book:
👉 can you stay if nothing ever changes?
👉 or will you slowly start to resent the life you’re choosing?

Because love isn’t about convincing someone to become who you want.
It’s about choosing what already is.

Let them show you who they are.
And let me decide what I’m available for.

This episode is about standards, self-respect and the relationship you will have for the rest of your life: the one with yourself.

📚 Book: The Let Them Theory

📚 Chapters: Choosing the love you deserve

___________________________________________________________

👯 Hosts: Sofia Stigendal & Marielle Almquist
🎧 Editing: Elmer Hermansson
📲 Follow us on Instagram & TikTok @bookbright_podcast
— and don’t hesitate to reach out with your reflections and thoughts.

BookBright: Review, Rethink & Rewrite your story – one book at a time!

Get a book brief for each episode: https://bookbrightpodcast.com/bookbrief 

Transcript

0:00

That situation where you're sitting there and like you're feeling a bit confused, like, okay, so he's doing that, that means he likes me, right? But then he's doing that, and what does that mean? If he really liked me, but you know, this and that, you're going back and forth and you're trying to find reasons and evidence as to why he actually likes you, right? And then when she says that, you know, let him confuse you because the confusion is the message. I'm like, oh you know, it is the message. Open a page, unlock your mind, grow a little bright, one book at a time. Stories that change you wisdom and dick. Welcome to Book Wright, your personal growth fix. Welcome to Book Write, the podcast that goes old school on personal development. We don't just read books, we live them. One chapter at a time. We're Sophia and Marielle. Two suites, in perfect English included, balancing kids, dogs, and business life while diving into international bestsellers. And here's the thing: the book on your nightstand won't change your life until you do something with it. That's why we're here. To unpack, apply, and sometimes stumble our way through the ideas together. On the road to making it applicable, this is personal development. Lived out loud. Open a page, unlock your mind. Grow a little brighter, one book at a time. Stories that change you, wisdom that sticks. Welcome to Book Bright, your personal growth phase. Welcome to Book Bright. We are diving into the Let Them Theory, closing up into the end of this book, and we're reading chapters 18 to 20. So loving that. And it's my turn to summarize and everything like that. But first off, let's just say hi. Hi, Marielle. Hey, how are you today? It's Friday, the sun is shining. Yeah, spring spring. It is it is here in Stockholm as well. It's springtime. Lovely springtime. Wonderful. Last last week, last episode, we just had like a love bombing of each other, and we were talking way too much about everything else besides the book. It felt like sort of. Yeah. So maybe today we should be a bit more focused. Um, and but let's just start then with the the wins. Yeah. Do you want to start or should I start? You can start. I can start. You can have the honor to start today. Well, thank you. Um, okay, so I have mentioned before that I am really trying to uh bring awareness when it comes to the the load and the reality of people, families with disabilities. And my win is that I actually shared, like last week or something, I shared a post where where which was about social services in Sweden. Like if you like when my son was like two years old, I understood that the social services would be perhaps a big part, not big part, but a part of my parenting. Uh, because I read so many posts and met so many people uh that were talking about like, okay, so you will bet be um how do you say that in English? Like you have you will be reported to social services and the childcare section of that, uh, because they don't know that much about disabilities. So the school will report you because your kid will not go to school. Um neighbors will perhaps report you because they are not used to like um, well, just the behavior of someone outside the norm and think that something is wrong. So I I was sort of aware of that really early on, and I have seen it throughout for many of my friends and stuff like that. And I wrote this post about it that this is the reality that me and many of me, the the people in similar situations as me are facing, like the ignorance, the the not knowing, the not knowing how to react to families like mine, and then we are reported, and then we are uh, and it's nothing wrong. I mean, the social services are there to help, right? So it's not dangerous, but it is a factor in your life that it takes time and energy to be questioned as a parent when it actually is like the the others that don't get it, right? Yeah, um so I wrote this post about that, and I got so many comments and so many DMs from people who sort of like, you know, are in the same situation. Uh, and they were like, I just second that, I just feel it, I have been there, I have done that. Uh, and someone wrote, like, okay, I don't know when my my look on society and look on things went from okay, so society and the government and like social services are here to protect me and to service me, to a mindset of being feeling like I'm always looking over my shoulder, being chased, um, because well, the the difference between what you know and what you don't know is so big, right? So, my win in this is that I wrote that, I got all these comments, and today actually, I got a comment from a um a manager of like a social service, like big um unit in one of our major cities. And she reached out and she said, you know what, I actually do recognize this also from an inside perspective of working here. Would you be open for a conversation? I would love to hear and talk to you more about this, and you know that sort of gives me the chills just saying that because that is honestly that is all I sort of want. Uh, I want people that are in these positions to reach out, to be open for conversation, to be open to see a perspective that they they honestly don't see today. Wow. So that was like it was just a DM and a comment, but it's still sort of huge for me. Uh the beginning of something, I hope. So that is what I'm taking with me in this. Like, okay, so this could be the beginning of something. Oh yes, that's my win. Yeah, this is so huge, and it's a so great win, and also that that you are making such an impact with all of your posts, not just this one, all of your posts, and it is so important your topic and what you are talking about, and that other people can feel like because you are helping both other people that are in the same situation, but also like the society to understand and to really make a change in the society and in yeah, here in Sweden. Yeah, yeah, I really hope so, and and I'm really happy and I'm proud of the fact that I've gotten a lot of comments both on my post and on the podcast that I'm running within this topic, that you know that the perspective and the way that I bring it forward actually does something new for people. Yeah, and that I'm really, really proud of. Yeah, you should be. Yeah, it's awesome. I'm proud of you. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, this is turning to a love bomb again. Okay, I will stop. But I am okay. Let me hear you your win instead. Yeah, I don't have this huge and impactful win, not that deep one either. So I have small things in my life, you know. I'm on this um oh still in these fluffy clouds with my silent retreat. But what I want to say this week is I just want to make and shoot out and uh kind of love bombing to this co-working place that I'm uh that I'm sitting in. I'm hiring a desk, so I'm an as an entrepreneur is sitting here in this co-working place, but at this place, there is also other people who is working here with like I don't want to go into that, but anywho, they what I want to say the win is that they have really from day one taken me as I am one of them, you know, yeah, and I feel so comfortable and like this is my home, and like I'm one of you, but I'm not, I'm uh I'm not one of you, but I am one of you. They are really welcoming, and I just want to give them that shootout. It's it's really really uh important for me to feel that, and that the leadership that they have is really really good, yeah, and they are creating this environment. So I just want to say thank you. So a big shout out to a small co-working place in Smallland somewhere, yeah, in Vietlanda. Called uh High Tech. It's yeah, it's a really, really great and awesome place, and it's it's new, they are new here, and the concept is new, and yeah, I don't want to go into that, but yeah, they are really, really awesome and great. And I yeah, I really love the people here. Yeah, awesome, and they are so it's a great win. I mean, you need to feel comfortable and accepted and welcomed, that will make a huge difference in what you do every day, so that's a great win. Yes, it totally is. So I just want to say that that will be my win for today. Awesome. Okay, then I will start guiding us through these three chapters that is the theme of choosing the love you deserve. Wow. Okay, so we're on chapters 18, 19, and 20. And these chapters are all about how to use the let them theory in love, from dating and commitment to navigating breakups. And Mel starts with something fundamental. Your standards are everything. Dating, she says, isn't just about finding the one, it's about discovering in real life what you actually want and what you don't want. And when you're clear on your standards, love becomes less about saying yes and more about knowing when to say no, especially to behaviors that don't actually meet those standards that you have, because behavior is the clearest signal of how someone actually feels about you. And I know you're usually used to like analyzing and interpreting or second-guessing your relationship, but that's not your job. Your job is to let people show you who they are, and when they show them, when they show you, you should believe them. And the let them theory forces honesty in this section: honesty about your situation, honesty about the person in front of you, and about how they actually feel about you. So if you feel confused while dating, you shouldn't try to convince yourself that they do like you, instead, you should let them confuse you because confusion is the message. And instead of chasing clarity, your role is to recognize this behavior does not meet my standards. And at that point, the problem isn't them, it's you that are staying, because then you're not valuing your time enough to walk away from something that clearly isn't going anywhere. So instead of chasing them, you shift, you let them behave the way they do, and let me respect myself enough to walk away, let them reveal who they are and let their behavior be that message, and let me accept the truth. If they're not making an effort, they're not worthy of yours. Otherwise, this becomes a pattern, and choosing people who won't commit, who aren't emotionally available, and research also often shows, also, Miles says, that we often repeat these patterns and based on past relationships and even childhood experiences. So let them behave the way they are behaving, and let me acknowledge what that actually means, that that is the message of what they actually feel about me. Okay, let me just pause for a second. Is there anything there that you want to um I don't know, reflect on or comment or anything? Yes, uh, this is so good. I'm okay. I just have to say that okay, you and me are not the person who should been sitting and talking about dating because that's not what we do. We we that's not um actually in our area, yeah. But but we have been in relationships for like 20 years almost, yes, both of us, so both of us, so yeah, but it's so good when you it it's so simple but so good, like it's so often put people and and both of us as well sitting there, and when I hear people dating others, like but he is so perfect in this and this and this, and why isn't he it's just this thing that is yeah, this minor thing, but it's still nagging me a lot, like nagging me, and maybe he can change and la la and just no, don't analyze, yeah, like is the deal breaker or not, and let him and let you let me. It's so good, it's so easy, yeah. So it it it's really hit me. Oh, it should be easy to date other people, don't overthink it. If it doesn't feel right, well then don't date the person, yeah, exactly. Like just let it be then, yes, accept him for who he is or she, yeah, her, yeah, exactly. And I just love like the the sentiment of like we all know and recognize. I mean, I can recognize it even though it's 20 years ago. I can recognize, you know, that situation where you're sitting there and like you're feeling a bit confused, like, okay, so he's doing that, that means he likes me, right? But then he's doing that, and what does that mean? If he really liked me, but you know, this and that, you're going back and forth and you're trying to find reasons and evidence as to why he actually likes you, right? Yeah, uh, and then when she says that, you know, let them confuse you because the confusion is the message. I'm like, oh you know, it is the message, and and and you can apply this to other relationships as well, yeah. Like, yeah, Sophia, we have a relationship, we're good friends, and if you confuse me, yeah, that's who you are. Yeah, that's the truth. And she actually says, like, she she she talks about this more also from the point of view of behavior, like the behavior is the message. Like, if if your friend is ignoring you, is like not wanting to invite you, or whatever it is from now, a friend perspective, then that is the message, they are not as into you as you are into them, like you know, exactly and exactly in dating, like like if they're not calling, if they're not texting, they are not that into you. Exactly, and and also that she is talking about the standards. This is so important. Like you have to to to really sit down and think through what is your standard, what do you want, yeah. And and don't don't go behind that or under that or yeah, exactly. Yeah, you know, I I was I was thinking back um to a situation where I was dating and I was online dating, uh so you know you just sort of like chatting first and then you meet up. Did you do that back in the days like 420? My god, I'm not that old. Come on, I didn't. I was a kid back in the days, so maybe that's why I was like 15. Okay, maybe Marielle, you should just not talk anymore now, just you know, back out from the corner you're putting yourself in, okay? Um online dating 20 years ago, okay. Yeah, yeah. Continue. Thank you. Please, my god, okay. Um, but I had this, I had this date, and it was the first time we were going to meet up, and it was the first time we were going to see each other real life, any like everything. And I was standing there waiting for him, and he didn't show up. So I called him and he was like, Well, I couldn't make it because I am uh helping my friend with a move, and you know, that was really something I had to do, and I was like, Oh, okay, good for you. Um do that then. And he was like, Well, we can we can reschedule or something, and I'm like, Yeah, not really, uh and but at that moment I was just like, Okay, so let's just understand. I just wanted to understand where he was, and no, he's not showing up. Okay, let's just cut it here then. Okay, and then he uh messaged me, like, okay, so could we have another date? Let's find another time and stuff like that. And I was like, you know, on the on the point of like having standards. I was like, well, not no. If he had called me, if he had messaged me and said that, you know, there's something that has come up, I really need to help this friend, otherwise he or she will not be able to, yada yada yada, whatever. Yeah, absolutely. I could have considered it, but if you do not tell me, I have to be the one asking you, and it's not a case of your friend being in an accident and going to the hospital and like this just happened 10 minutes ago, right? No, and you know what? The standards can really, really help you because because I was like, no, I'm sorry, it's okay. You do you, I do me, it's okay, I don't have to meet up. Like, that's a thing for me, like you communication, right? Yeah, uh, and you know what? He got so mad. What he got so mad, and he I mean, the language that he used, he wrote this whole email to me with like the most obnoxious language, and calling me this and that, and you know what? So listen up, you know, the advice of having standards and sticking to them, do that because if they do not meet your standards, it is just a signal that they will never do, right? Yes, but it was a small communication thing that I was like, no, that's not for me, and then he really showed his true colors when it comes to everything concerning communication, right? So yeah, wow, just wanted to sort of wow, uh yeah, the standards is important, standards are important, everyone. Yes, and and the behavior. Yeah. The behavior shows what programming you have in your subconscious mind, how you are wired. Yeah. You can see how you are wired in your behavior. So it's always a sign to look at the behavior. Yeah. Even if you want to develop yourself, look at your own behavior. Absolutely. Absolutely. And yeah, that's the side of hmm, this is how I'm wired and programmed. But yeah, the behavior shows a lot. It's a lot of information in that. Yes. Interesting. Yes. So, oh, this was so good. But please continue. Yeah, I'll continue. Um, and you can also, I mean, she also talks about this when it comes to taking the relationship to the next level and having that commitment conversation. That this is also somewhere where the let them theory really comes into play. You can always have like the commitment conversation, like, where are we going with this? What's what's your thoughts on the future, and you know, all of that. But you have to be really clear on why you're having it. Because Mel says that the biggest mistake people make is focusing on the other person instead of focusing on their own time, their own needs, and their own life. Like, what do I need? And just be super clear. What do I like just what we said about the standards? Like, what are my standards? What are my needs? What is the life that I see? So the commitment conversation is not about getting the answer that you want. Like, okay, so do you want to be with me or not? It's about getting the truth, it's about understanding is this worth my time or not? Like, if the other person tells you, I don't want kids, I don't want to move, I don't want to be having the same future as you are painting it, and those things really matter to you, then let them. But if you choose to stay after that, knowing you want something else, that's on you. You cannot accept like breadcrumbs and still expect a full relationship. And saying no to the wrong situations, that's what brings you closer to the right one. So instead, in this, okay, having that uh commitment conversation, saying what you want out of life and everything, and then instead of like sort of um dealing with the answers and trying to figure out, well, could that person change or whatever? Instead, say, Well, let me end what is not aligned, let me take back my power, and let me stop chasing potential and face reality. And I just have to stop there again because that that that last one, oh my god, stop chasing potential, yes, oh, and start just accepting reality, y'all. Like, oh, I have been with sitting with so many friends and me at one time as well, being like, Okay, but you know, I can really see how this could be really great. Like, don't chase the potential of things being great. If they are great, go with that. If they're not great, well, they're not. No, exactly. You cannot it again, you cannot change another person, even if you see, can see. Oh, if you just change a bit in this and this and this and this area, then you will be great. Yeah, but they will not change because you want them to change. No, we have talked about that. Oh, so good. Should I just continue? Uh, it's the final part, it's about um long-term relationships. So here's us okay. So the letter theory doesn't just apply then to dating, it also applies to long-term relationships because relationships change, people change, and when things feel uncertain, there's one key question: can you accept this person exactly as they are right now and still love them? Or are you in love with the two who uh with who they used to be, like the who they were or who you were together, uh, or maybe even here, who you wish they would become. Because chances are, if they have changed, because most people do change, they won't probably change back to the person that you met all those years ago. And when something frustrates you about this, you have to ask yourself, is this about them being different from me, or is it about my needs not being met? Because that's a crucial difference. Because from there, you actually have two options. You either accept them fully as they are, just because they're not like you, doesn't make it wrong. So you either accept them then as they are, or you have like an honest, loving conversation if your needs aren't being met. And here the ABC loop comes into play again. We talked about that a couple of episodes uh back, and so I'm not going through that. Um so you're using the ABC loop, and if nothing changes after six months, the model asks you to step back because they might never change. And she introduces two additional steps here. So you have step D and E. Step D, you let them be. Now you let me decide, is this a deal breaker? And you ask yourself, can I be with this person for the rest of my life if they never change? Or you have step E. You either um if you choose to stay, you also choose them as they are, which means you have made your choice and then you have to live with it, and that means you're not nagging anymore, you don't have any resentment anymore, and you're not trying to change them. And that goes both from what you're saying to all those micro micro behaviors of sort of showing them that you're not really happy, so all of that has to be taken off the table, and really Mel says that research shows that 69% of relationship problems are not solvable, so the majority of the things that actually bother you or frustrate you are things that in themselves will never change, perhaps in any ways, like differences in personality or ambition or interests, uh, like those are often more or less permanent. So the question that you have to ask yourself in this kind of relationship is will I regret leaving more or will I regret staying and accepting this more? Will I eventually resent them? And when it comes also though, then to heartbreak, like whether or not you are the one who are leaving in this scenario, or if you are the one being left. Um, Mel shares like some really practical advice, like stay active, reach out, don't isolate, and stuff like that. You can read more about that in the chapters, but underneath all of this, there's like a deeper truth that she talks about. Like a relationship does not make you worthy of love, your existence does, and you will spend your entire life with one person, and that is you. You are the love of your life, and this entire book is about you and your relationship to yourself. Um, so the let them theory teaches you to let others be who they are and to reclaim your power by choosing how to show up, let them be, so that you can finally let me be me. The foundation of every loving relationship is how you treat yourself. The love, the respect, the standards, and the care that you have for yourself, it sets the standards for everything else. You are the source of your happiness, your fulfillment, your joy. And when you truly live from that place, everything else falls into place. The end. Wow, that's a beautiful ending. And this is uh the the last chapters in the book, and uh yeah, really, really beautiful. And and this this uh last part that you talked about, that's when we come in. I think that we have something to say about that when we when we are changing as persons in the relationships, because as we said, you both you and me have been with our partners for 20 years. Yes, of course, I am not the same person as I was when I was 15. I was a young kid, Jonas as well. Yeah, and uh so we have really been through these phases and episodes and all the stuff seen in our life that I have so many times asked myself the questions is this a deal breaker or not? Yeah, um, and but every every phase is making you stronger, and yeah, but if I look back in our life, like she said in the book, that maybe your partner was this really good person in a certain way back in the days, but for me is it's the opposite. I have said to Jonah so many times that I should have believed you so many times, past in the days, back in the days, but I I wasn't that nice to myself and I didn't had that standard, and I I don't know why I stayed, I was so young, but I stayed anyway, but now he's it's he's a total different person, yeah, and I don't want him to be the person that he was when we were meeting. No, yeah, yeah, and that it's good that you share that as well because I think sometimes you also change together in a way that makes sense, that from the beginning it might not have been like, yeah, you might you you should have maybe, or you could have maybe um ended a relationship before, but like sticking in there in some sense also makes you change together. Yes, um, if you're open to that, um it's not just you have done the journey or not just him, you have done it together. So we have done it together, yes. Yeah, so yeah, yeah, and I think like there's so many, I think there's like a divorce rate of like 50 or something, like of all people who get married, 50% get the divorce. And I remember when we were talking about like me and my husband, we were talking about um in the early days when we got our when there were lots of talk about the diagnosis and in my family and stuff like that. Um we we talked about the number for people who are married and have children with disabilities, that number is like 70 or 80 percent divorce rate. Um and as Mel says in the book, like there are some factors that you cannot change. So, and life will happen, and there are so many nuances of everything that you can come across. Um, but I really think that okay, so I'm sort of sidetracking everything here now, but but I really think like there's so much to be said of like checking in with each other and also checking in with yourself, like is this still what I want? Yeah, and will I like she said, like, will I regret staying more or will I resent and um or regret more that I'm leaving, right? Like, for what reason am I doing that? And sometimes I think also your standards can sort of collide, like you have a standard within one area uh and it collides with something else. What do you do then? I don't think it's like just that easy. Um even within the relationship, like you have standards for different things, and one standard might be broken, yeah, but ten others are like really filled up to the brink and above, you know, then what? Yeah, so it's it's nuances in this, I think. And you have to ask it. You have really, really uh you need to reflect and ask yourself all the time, like, okay, so is this one little area that's not functioning? Yeah, is it worth to leave the relationship for that when everything else is so good? Yeah, maybe it is, but dependent on what what it is, but just to reflect on it. And I also, I mean, I have followed these different people or seen different uh stories of like how how couples are making almost like a business business um check-in, like you do in businesses, you have a kickoff and you have like a um you have like a budget year go-through sort of thing. Um and couples have sort of done the same with their families and their relationship. And I've tried like sort of incorporated that, but we haven't really gotten that to work fully. Um I don't know if there's any tips out there on how you can make that sort of a natural, just a fun thing, not being really like, okay, so you have to go through this and you have to go through this and make it fun, but still mean something. Like, what are your best tips when it comes to that? Because I think that is it is something good, I think, to have some sort of like sit down with your partner and actually go through how has this year or last six months or whatever been for us, and how has my life as an individual in that been at the same time? And how is it for the family as a whole and stuff like that? Yes, it's so important. Like go away and do a conference, yeah. Like do a conference, like it is couples conference, couples conference, so good, yeah, yeah. I'm not quite there yet, but hopefully you get something like that. Yes, yes, talk more, yeah, communicate more, yeah. That's the thing. Yeah, okay, it was a really, really nice chapter. Yeah, these were nice chapters, three chapters. Um, it's good to talk about the relationships that you have, and like she says also, like the the one relationship that you will always have is the one with yourself. So show up for yourself, set your standards, and be clear on what it is that you want, right? Yes, that's the most important relationship in your life, exactly. Okay, so do you have anything else to add? Or no, I don't. No, no, then then all that is left, I think, is for me to say, like those three questions that we always give you who are listening to sort of have a ponder about. And first off, what was the one thing that really stood out for you? What is the one take from this episode? Or having read the book, those chapters, what's the one thing, if you have to choose, that actually made like a dent within you now that you want to bring with you? And why was that really important to you right now? And is there some sort of action, small step or something that you can take to implement or to live that truth or that important message to yourself a little bit more this week or in the next couple of days? Okay, so having said that, um, it's the final chapters of this book. Uh, we have one episode more within this uh book, the sort of conclusion, also the appendix of um let them when it comes to children, and then we're starting a new book, right? Yes, yeah, looking forward to the new book. Looking forward to the new book. We'll reveal it in the next episode or something, I think. And uh, well, yeah. Uh hope you follow us and read a book and um pick up the new book. See you next week. Yes, have a really nice day. Bye. Bye.