Episode 6: The Day My World Changed: Losing My Best Friend to Suicide

Transcript

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The day my best friend left this world, my entire life changed. Her story is one I carry with me every day. Welcome to the Single Mom Glow Up, the podcast where we're spilling all the tea on single motherhood, self care, and dating. I'm Brie Brie, your host and fellow single mom navigating life, love, and everything in between. Wherever you are on your single mom journey, this is the place where you'll find real stories, honest advice, and a community that just gets it. So grab your favorite drink, get comfy, and let's talk. dive into some juicy conversations that will inspire, empower, and keep it all the way real. Ready? Let's spill the tea. And today's tea is actually really hot, uh, but like sad hot. So Um, I will say, trigger warning, I will be talking about suicide in this episode, um, suicidal ideation, suicidal thoughts, um, and if not in this episode, the suicidal thoughts piece or the suicidal ideation piece will also be talked about in, uh, the next couple of podcast episodes as well. Um, I'm doing a focus this month, you know, it'll start off on the sad end, but then, you know, I will work through the, you know, the transformation and the positive side of things, obviously, but today's episode might be a bit heavy. Um, so if you want to skip it, don't worry, I will not be offended. I definitely, during my journey, in fact, immediately after what I'll be talking about today for about. I want to say a year and a half, two years. Um, I couldn't even see the word suicide without being plunged into a panic attack. So if you need to skip this episode for, like, to take care of yourself or self care, please do. Okay? Don't feel like you have to listen to it. You're not missing out on anything. I will also, um, be posting, um, a slightly different version, you know, more blog posty and less podcasty, um, for those who want to read instead. Uh, so no hard feelings if you skip this episode, but for those of you who can handle it, we are going to be getting into the story of my friend Desiree. So I'm sharing this one to honor her memory, um, and give. Space to her story and my story and how they have become intertwined. Um, and then I also want to explore the lessons that her life and her passing taught me and encourage you to prioritize self care. You, whoever is listening, whether you're a single mom or not. Um, I hope this story can encourage you to prioritize self care. So I'm going to just dive right in and talk about Desiree. And if I'm actually sniffing right now a little bit because it's cold outside, and I just got back from the bus stop, but my sniffles may get a bit more intense. I'll try to move the microphone away when I sniffle, but it might get a bit more intense if I start to cry talking about this. Um, Never you fear, I have therapy right after this. So the timing is impeccable, but Desiree, um, I met Desiree in middle school and man, was she So weird, but like in the best way, um, I remember now this was back in the early two thousands. We were in middle school and the first time I saw her and met her, um, I had heard some things about her, um, the words used, I don't remember the exact word used, but people kind I saw her as this unhinged, unpredictable, quote unquote, I'm using this term because this was one of the terms used back then, but now it's not really the best term to use to describe people, but crazy, um, and, you know, I was kind of scared. scared to know her or to meet her based on the rumors that I had heard about her, um, but then when I met her and we were in sixth grade and she had short, I'm not sure if it was relaxed or just straightened. I think it was. Her hair texture may have just been straightened. Um, like this orange hair because she had bleached it. But like, that's all she did. She just bleached it. Um, and it looked wild. And I, it like, Fit the stereotype of not the stereotype, but it fit the rumors and I was just like, ah, I don't want to, but in one of my classes, I either got paired up with her or I had to sit next to her and she was just such a delightful person. Like, we just clicked, um, clicked to the point that, uh, we'd had, Sleepovers, and we decided to pair up ourselves with one other, um, girl for something called NHS, which was like a big, long, months long project. Um, And, oh wait, this was, what's the sixth grade? This was past sixth grade. I'm now in the middle of middle school. Um, and long story short, we became friends, like to the point that my mom would pick her up in the morning and we would go to school together and we'd be sitting in the far back seat of my mom's, you know, SUV, listening to Mary J. Blige and just singing at the top of our lungs. To the point that. I can't even listen to that song without thinking about her and like I'm crying but it's such a happy memory and I don't even know if these tears are happy tears and they're like both they're like happy tears and grief tears I miss her tears you know uh so yeah we got really close in middle school and then I went to um we were at a middle school for gifted kids, smart kids, whatever. And so I went to a high school. I went to my local high school. She went to her local high school. And so we went, we ended up separated. Um, and I didn't really like, we were connected on Facebook, but I didn't really hear from her, um, because she, she lived a very hard life. Like her mom was, she basically raised herself. Like her mom was their ish. Um, but her dad wasn't really there. Um, And her extended family was kind of in and out as absolutely necessary, but they weren't necessarily there there, um, and just, there was a lot going on in her family and just, it wasn't even like a, oh, you know, they're terrible people and just neglectful and stuff like that. It was like, Just a lot of trauma in her family. Um, and so she didn't have, like, there were some times that I think that she just didn't have internet access, so she, I wouldn't hear from her on Facebook for like months at a time. Um, and then she'd come back and be like, Oh, I was able to get X, Y, and Z, and da da da da. Like, okay, alright. Um, And so despite all of the hardship, despite how difficult a lot of her life was, she was such, first of all, she was incredibly smart. She was incredibly funny. Um, I feel like you can't be smart and not funny. Like I haven't met a smart person who isn't funny in some way. Um, and she, She was just so full of love and light and just absolute, she was just a beautiful, beautiful soul. She was a beautiful person too, but she was just a beautiful soul. Um, and I never had met anyone like her. I don't know that I ever will meet anyone like her ever again. And yeah, yeah. And so let me get into. When we reconnected, right? Because throughout high school we weren't connected. And then, I went off to college, not off to college, I went to the local college. Um, and I'm not sure what she did. Um, I think she went straight into working, you know. to live. She was already working in high school. So, um, and then we both ended up, she was married. She got married really young to someone she met around like 14, 15 years old. Um, and we both had kids or we both had our first child at the same time, like her daughter and my daughter just a few months apart. And so. That I saw that she had just had a baby on Facebook and I was pregnant at the time and I was like, Oh my gosh, we're gonna have babies at the same time. Um, and so that kind of connected us, especially being, uh, both of us. Yeah, I had my daughter at 19. And she was 20. She turned 20, right? She and I are also, you know, a few months apart. Um, so she was 20. And so, you know, we're both young. None of our other friends or people that we knew were having kids at that age. Um, And so, you know, we kind of reconnected over that and, you know, spent time together and, you know, her husband and my kid's dad, um, also kind of, I don't know if I would call what they had a friend, they, I'm not going to speak on that. I know I'm supposed to spill the tea, but like. Yeah, so, they got along, um, and, you know, we would hang out every so often. They lived an hour away. Um, and they were also a lot more road trippy than, um, my ex and I, so they would often come visit us and then also make their rounds in the area to visit other people. But every now and then we would also go up to where they lived. Um, and so, you know, that was great. And then she had her second child. Um, a few years later and then I had my second child a couple of years after that. And, you know, we just rebuilt that friendship to the level that it was in middle school after, you know, the, the high school. Uh, not dark. It wasn't dark, but it was like quiet between us because we both had a lot of life going on. Um, and yeah, she, she'd grown so much and so would I. We were, we both were very different people than who we were in middle school and also like in high school. Um, but we grew. And you know how you grow apart from people? She and I didn't grow apart. We just grew kind of like parallel. Um, and so, you know, it was like no time had passed and we just really got along. So, um, she was. She was a great mother, um, a bit chaotic, right? Like, something about Desiree, she was extremely chaotic, um, and I, you know, I laugh about it because she was also very, like, lighthearted about it and stuff, but I also know that there must have been some very, very dark, uh, you know, chaos has, chaos has two sides to it. You know, there's two ends of chaos. The positive, lighthearted, like fun chaos, you know, like, well, actually no, this goes, this is the case for Florida man energy too, but like there's chaotic good. And then there's chaotic evil. Right. And so while she was not evil at all, she did have chaotic darkness the same way she had chaotic light. Um, and so I know that things are really hard for her. And, um, and I also, I'm adding this not necessarily to share, you know, her business or anything like that. But for the, I think it's important to note this, um, when I talk about sort of what happened. And that is, that she had had moments of suicidal ideation. Um, I think there may have been either an attempt or two or close to an attempt or two in the past. Um, that will make sense when I get into the story. I'm not just saying that just to like add tea or add, you know, I don't even, I don't even consider that interesting information per se, but it's, It's kind of like a disclaimer almost But yeah She had had those moments, especially during like high school and So Hold on. Let me let me check my notes y'all because you and we all know that I get rambling sometimes So yeah Long story shortened, because I could go on and on and on about that, our friendship was back to what it was, um, and in early 2019, when I, I'd been engaged for a year, and we were set to be married in June, and, you know, Obviously, I was talking to her about all this stuff and then he, um, was about to cheat and I caught him about to cheat after he moved back to his home state and if you don't know what I'm talking about, uh, feel free to listen to, I think it's in the first episode, not the trailer, but the first episode where I talk about this, um, what happened with my ex and how I became a single mom. Yeah. So, you know, I was telling her about all this and about, um, as naturally comes out, all the things that you don't tell people about your relationship, uh, when it's over, all the red flags you ignored and stuff like that. So I was telling her all of that. And she literally said to me in one of our conversations, uh, she was like, you know, listening to you say all this about him makes me realize that like, I should probably leave my husband too. And, uh, At first I was like, Oh, like, what do you mean? Cause she hadn't told me anything bad. And then she started telling me what was going on. And I was like, yo, that is abuse. Like, Oh my goodness, you deserve so much better than that you deserve. And you know, I'm not going to get into what she said happened or anything like that. You know, there's some of her story I can tell because it pertains to. To me and my story, but I also don't feel comfortable telling her whole story. You know, she's not here to tell her story and I'm sure she wouldn't mind. I'm sure she would come right on this show and, you know, just bear all, but that's not my decision to make for her on her behalf. So here she was inspired. I don't know if inspired is the right word. Um, but catalyzed to end her marriage of almost 10 years. Um, wait. Now her relationship of almost 10 years. I can't remember how long they'd been married though, um, because I'd left my relationship of seven years and she like was in the process of doing that. And so, you know, she and I would talk every day on my way to work. I was doing an internship, um, and it took me like an hour in traffic to get to work every day. So we would just chat on the phone the whole time and. Uh, we would just, you know, talk about, you know, you know, you know, whatever BS was going on with, you know, her divorce or, you know, my kid's dad and all of that. And you know, eventually we both started dating and so we'd spill the tea on that. And sometimes we would end up matching with like the same guys or like not necessarily matching but seeing the same guys and we would be like, Oh my gosh, did you see this one? blah, blah, blah. Um, you know, just. regular stuff. Um, and then something happened with her still husband, but they were, you know, divorcing. What's the, Oh, soon to be ex. That's a term. Something happened with her, with her soon to be ex that upset her so much, understandably upset her so much that, um, she slashed his tires on his car. Um, and that sounds kind of random and out of pocket, but like, the thing that had happened, it made sense why that was the thing that she did. Um, and so Long story short, how many times have I said that? She ended up facing 40 years in jail for that because she lived in an area that's racist. So she was looking at 40 years and that was terrifying and I think that started her Thinking about suicidal thoughts. Um, thinking about sui I think that started her thinking that way. Um, but she was able to get a lawyer and things were going good. And so she came to visit. Um, two weeks in a row, which was pretty good. It's pretty rare. The first week she came, um, and you know, we just hung out, took a bunch of pictures. It was like summer. Yeah, it was summer. And we were out in my backyard, just having a good time. And then the next week she came, we didn't, we spent some time together, but it's like she was, She needed space. She came down with the kids and she just needed space to like, I don't know what she did, but she went outside and she said she was overwhelmed and just needed some air. And I was like, go take some air, like go get some air. The kids are good. And so she did. And then she came back in. Did she come back in or did I go out? No. Yeah. She came back in and was like, Hey, Hey, we're going to get back up the road. And so that weekend, It was when she had gotten good news from her lawyer that she wasn't facing 40 years that there was no way that that was actually going to happen. Um, and then, I'm sorry I'm slowing down y'all, but I'm also, while I'm speaking, I'm paying attention to like, my body. Um, And you know what my limits might be in talking about this. But yeah, she um, she gave me a hug and it was a super long hug and I saw this look in her eye and now I know what the look was but when it happened I was like she's hiding something from me. And because I had have, you know, friendship betrayal trauma, I thought that maybe she was like, you know, talking to a guy that I had showed her and she just didn't tell me about it or whatever and something like that. And I was like, yeah, it's really not that big of a deal. I'm just going to leave it. She's going through a lot right now. You know, she'll tell me later. Right. And so she went about her day or she, she went on her way. Um, and that was like a Saturday and she and I texted every day all day. Uh, and so that week, um, I was at work and I decided to, I was like, I need to focus on work. I'm not texting. Right, I'll text when the day is over at 5. And so, she and I were texting back and forth, and Tuesday, randomly in the middle of the day, she sent me a text message and just said, I love you. And it was like, that's not out of the blue because we said that to each other randomly throughout the day anyway. So, she said that. I was like, Nope, I am on, I turned a new leaf. I'm focusing on work right now. I'll tell her I love her later, and I'm sure you can see this where this is going. Right. Um, and so later on I texted her back. I was like, I love you. And then nothing. And then either that evening or the next day, no, it was the, it was the next day. Someone random, someone I didn't know, messaged me on Instagram. I was like, Hey, did you hear about Desiree? And I was like, okay, clearly her husband is up to some BS because why is this random woman messaging me on Instagram? So I screenshot it and I sent it to her and I was like, do you know this person? And then I continued the conversation with the person and then she, she had told me what happened, right? This person I don't even know who wasn't even that close with her told me what happened. And I was like, no way, no way, no way. Then my mind went back to that text and how I hadn't heard from her since, which was just unheard of. And it's funny, I'm like sitting in the exact spot in my room where I just collapsed. I was outside and I'd gotten home from work and like checked my phone before going inside. And I walked into the house and I was just like crying and I just, I just came over to my bed, which I now have a new bed, but that bed and I just fell to my knees and just collapsed on the side of my bed and I just started crying so hard. It's funny. My memory isn't that great, but when it comes to stuff like this, it's like, it's like I can just transport myself right back to that moment sometimes. Um, and you know, I practice doing that from a distance now, like watching it instead of living it. But, Ooh. Yeah. Anyway, I have to start wrapping this up because I do have to get going to therapy, but that's, that's it. That day, that day was a catalyst for like a complete shattering of my life and breaking me open. And breaking me open to become the person that I am today. I am a completely different person like this. I know that, you know, stories are one thing and plays and just writings in general are, it just feels like this was a turning point in my life. You know, there's grief, You know, I've, I've lost people before, I've lost people since, but like, this was something different, like it shattered me in a different way, um, and I had to learn to put the pieces back, I had to do that bit by bit, piece by piece, um, and that was something that I'd never Done before and in learning about that. It's made me a different person, right? And so hmm, I'm just going through my Talking points because I do have to leave in four minutes And I'm seeing which of these I'm going to can right so I think actually I'm going to Start to wrap up here because next week I'm going to be talking about Actually, let me not lie to your face, lie to your ears. Next week I'm going to be talking about, yeah, so in the following months what happened for me. Um, a lot of my talking points for this episode kind of include, you know, how this happening, you know, impacted my relationship with self care and stuff, but I'm going to get into that more in the next few weeks. So I'm just going to leave you with this. I hope that's okay. Um, definitely come back next week for the next part of the story and how it, how being broken, right, shattered, completely shattered, um, how one That's not the end, how it might feel like the end, how I thought it was the end, and how bad things got for me self care wise that it felt like the end. Um, dang, I lost my train of thought. But yeah, I'm gonna continue the story, and it'll be less about the end. You know, what happened with her and more about what started to happen with me on the inside and then in the following weeks, how I, here we go, that's where my thought was going, how I put things back together, which sometimes was very lonely and felt by myself. And then other times I had. And how that help is necessary. Like sure, you can try to put yourself back together, right? Um, I think, I've been watching Alright, don't judge me. I was watching Call of Duty, uh, Black Ops 6 gameplay. Cause I'm more of a watcher and not a player. I do play stuff, but not stuff like that. And, I watch a lot of gameplay videos. And actually, you know what, that's not a good example. Far Cry. is a good example of there are certain little animations in there where if you get hurt, right, and then you have to heal yourself, you know, most games they'll just show you healing, they'll show the health bar going up. Far Cry will show like, oh, the thing that needs to be healed is that you just broke your hand or you just dislocated a finger or whatever. And then it'll take a moment to like show you the hands and then like the one hand will heal, like will relocate. Or whatever the term is, it'll put the finger back, right? And there's different ones for different injuries, right? And so you can put yourself back together, but it's incredibly difficult to do it. Whereas, you know, if you weren't stranded on an island that's being taken over by some evil group of power hungry people, then You would just go to the doctor and the doctor could fix it for you. Or you could lean on a friend who knows some things to help put your finger back, or to distract you while you put, you know what I mean? Anyway, that was a roundabout way of saying, I will be talking about that as well. So, thank you so much for listening this far. And I will see you next week. But, before I go go, I just want you to, one, if this did trigger you a bit, take some time for self care. Whether you have a therapist, and maybe you haven't been going or whatever, and you schedule a therapy session for yourself, maybe journal it out, I Uh, maybe, you know, reach out to your support, your community, whoever, right? It doesn't have to be anything major. Um, and then I invite you to You don't know what to do for self-care or if you're just curious, I am offering my self-care checklist for free this December. Um, and so all you have to do to get it is text glow to 6 6 7 2 2 2 3 7 9 8. Again, that is glow GLOW to 6 6 7 2 2 2 3 7 9, 8. Um, and with that. By texting that you'll get the self care checklist, but you'll also get the, um, I'll just send you like, it's about 10 days of like encouragement and glow up texts and tips and just all the love that I can no longer pour into Desiree, I put into those texts and also my single mom sanctuary, which I offer through those texts as well. So yes. Lastly, I just want you to know you don't have to do this alone. There is a world of support waiting for you. You just have to take the first step and find it. Or reach out. You may already know where it is. But you just have to take that first step and reach out. Okay? And one last little thing. I just have to do this. I had to come back and do this and it's going to make me late for therapy, but I just wanted to dedicate this episode to Desiree because despite being gone, her light continues to guide me and through me, it guides so many. Um, and I'm just incredibly grateful. Doesn't it's grateful. Sounds like a teensy word compared to how I feel. Thank you for listening.