What Your Team Really Needs When Things Get Hard

Have you ever had a team member go quiet, get short, or seem suddenly distant — and had no idea what to do with that? Most of us have been taught that emotions belong outside the workplace. But the truth is, our nervous systems, our emotional needs, and our capacity to feel safe all come to work with us, whether we invite them in or not.

In this conversation, I'm joined by Laziena Hodge, a certified coach and creator of the Repair Language framework. Together we explore what repair language really is and why building a shared emotional vocabulary in your team might be one of the most practical and productive habits you can adopt. This isn't about therapy at work. It's about giving people a way to name what they need so that when things get hard, the team doesn't fracture — it reconnects.

Laziena walks us through her six repair languages: soothing, accountable, affirming, empathic, spacious, and presence — and how understanding your own repair style (and your team's) reduces miscommunication, protects your energy, and creates the kind of psychological safety that allows people to actually do their best work. We also explore how leaders often don't realise how their own activation affects the team, and why naming what you need is a leadership skill, not a weakness.

If you've been navigating team dynamics that feel sticky, or you're a founder managing people while juggling your own full life, this episode offers a fresh and deeply human framework for how to stay in work life integration without abandoning the people around you — or yourself.

🔗 Connect with Laziena and take her free Repair Language Quiz at https://laziena.com/quizzes  & download the free team resource here.

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Thanks for listening!

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Transcript

Excerpt

What does it actually take to build psychological safety in a team — and what happens when communication breaks down, not because of poor processes, but because of mismatched support? In this episode, Anne Rajoo sits down with Laziena Hodge, repair language expert and emotional intelligence coach, to explore how naming what we need — at work, in teams, and with collaborators — can transform the way we connect, communicate, and stay productive habits in motion. Together they unpack the six repair languages, from soothing and spacious to affirming and empathic, and show how this shared vocabulary becomes a practical tool for entrepreneurship and productivity. If you've ever felt unseen in a team, struggled to protect your energy in a difficult working relationship, or watched communication drain your focus and output, this conversation gives you a new language to change that — without oversharing or losing professionalism.

Transcript

Anne Rajoo:

You've probably been in a meeting where the energy shifted.

Someone got short. Someone went quiet. A request landed wrong. A conversation felt off.

And nobody said anything.

Because we've been taught that the workplace is no place for emotions. Just get the job done. Stay professional. Move on.

But here's what that costs you — in your team, in your freelance relationships, in every collaboration where things stay stuck just below the surface.

What if the missing piece isn't a better process or a cleaner workflow… but a shared language for what we actually need when things get hard?

That's what we're exploring today.

My guest is Laziena Hodge — and she's bringing something into the conversation that I've only ever seen applied at home, with my kids, with my husband. She's taking repair language — the practice of naming what we need after rupture — and bringing it into teams.

This one hit close to home for me. I think it will for you too.

Anne:

I'm super excited to have you on the podcast. We recently recorded for your podcast, and it was a beautiful conversation. I'm really looking forward to continuing it, so welcome.

Laziena Hodge:

Thank you for having me. I love our conversations prior, so I'm excited. It's going to be good.

Anne:

When you reached out to be on the podcast and shared your topic, I got really excited — because we're going to talk about repair language. I've discovered that concept a few years ago, especially with my children. While I try to be a very regulated, very present mum, I'm human, and my children can sometimes trigger me. Things rupture. And I discovered that yes, rupture can happen and it can feel really difficult — but repair is powerful. I later carried that over to my relationship with my husband and saw just how powerful it can be there. And then when you came along, I thought: what would this look like for teams? So today we're speaking about repair language in the context of work and teams. Let's start by setting the stage — what is repair language?

Laziena:

For me, repair language is a way to name what we need, so that when things get hard, we have a way to feel supported and know how to support one another — rather than burying it, hiding it, or showing up in resentment or unproductivity.

And I like how you describe it, because the way you approach repair sounds more embodied — it doesn't matter where you are when you embody it, whether that's at home, in business, or with peers and friends. This is the kind of leadership you're bringing to the work. Doing this in a team environment makes everything more productive. We get to truly feel supported by one another in the workspace — because it's not always going to be fluffy and by-the-book. There will be nuances.

At the end of the day, we thrive in community. We are meant to be in co-creation, in relationship. We want to feel like we belong, feel encouraged, feel part of something bigger. So whether that's at home or in the workspace, it still matters. Repair language is a way to name what we need and open up exploration from there.

Anne:

Two words stood out for me. Leadership — and I think it's important to name that what we're talking about is fundamentally part of leadership. And then exploration. I wonder: what does that actually look like in practice?

I also want to name something that might be my own bias — but in a team, I think it can be quite hard to express what you need. Different people, different expectations, different roles, hierarchies, cultural norms. And then you're supposed to just say what you need? That can feel difficult.

Laziena:

There are so many leadership development programmes out there teaching you to master your emotions — and I think there's a misconception about what that actually means. It often becomes avoiding emotions. 'This is no place for feelings — just get the job done.' But then why do we have HR? Why do we have team building activities? Because the centre of all of that is psychological safety.

If people don't feel psychologically safe, how are they going to perform?

I'll use myself as an example. When I was going through my divorce, I was carrying a lot — but I still had to work. I was showing up in meetings going through the worst moment of my life. My decision-making wasn't as sharp. I was dysregulated. I needed attunement. But I didn't want to ask colleagues for support, because as soon as someone says 'how are you feeling?' and you share, it either becomes advice — 'have you tried this, why don't you do it that way' — or it feels dismissive. Over time, people come to work carrying things, and they're expected to just shut it down. That's not easy for your nervous system or your emotional needs.

Let me give you an example. Imagine Suzy — she has a lot of work to do, she's picking up her kids, running appointments, managing her side business, and her job is very consuming. She's never learned about her emotional needs. She comes to work very overwhelmed and when Jennifer asks if she's okay, she snaps: 'I can't talk right now.' She can't even let people see what she needs. Then when she's in a better place, she's all warmth and gratitude — but that's not going to land well when people felt shut out earlier.

So I developed what I call the six repair languages. Let me walk through them.

The first is Soothing — in a corporate context, this means: let's take a pause, let's slow down.

The second is Accountable — I need clarity. Help me define the next step.

The third is Affirming — I need reassurance that whatever is happening right now, my job is not at risk, that we're still okay.

The fourth is Empathic — I need understanding. This restores shared context and helps us make better decisions together.

The fifth is Spacious — I just need space. I'm cognitively overloaded and I don't want to make any error-prone decisions while I'm in reactive mode.

And the sixth is Presence — I need connection. In collaboration, when something disrupts and people start reacting, we can lose the sense of being in this together.

The way I use this with teams is: we sit down together — maybe over lunch — and I ask three questions to set the stage. How do you behave when you're angry? When you're sad? When you're overwhelmed? When you're resentful? These are the four emotional states most likely to cause disruption. Everyone takes a turn. When I'm angry, you'll see it in my face, hear it in my tone. If I'm resentful, you'll hear blame language. Once everyone has shared, the last question is: how would you like to feel supported?

This is where we end up with mismatches. If I need understanding, and you offer me reassurance — that can actually feel dismissive. Knowing how someone likes to be supported changes everything, because most of the time we're responding from what we ourselves would need, not from what the other person actually needs.

Anne:

That really resonates. Something that came up for me — and this connects to an Enneagram conversation I had recently — is that we often don't even know what we need ourselves. And what you described: the mismatch that happens when someone has something going on and they express it through anger or body language, and we immediately make it about ourselves. 'Did I do something wrong? Is this because of something I said?'

And then what came up for me even more strongly is that quite often we don't know what kind of support we need — and I discovered that through coaching conversations with my own coach, who would ask: 'What support are you looking for right now?' And I'd think, I don't actually know. But just being asked that question made me feel seen. That one question can be such a powerful shift from jumping straight to advice or 'have you tried...'

And there's also so much internal shame and blame that comes up in team dynamics. Our 'not good enough' story gets triggered. Our need to perform — especially if we grew up in performance-based households. So if yesterday we had a conversation that left me feeling unseen, today I'm going to be so consumed with worry that it affects how I show up. But if we can have that dialogue — 'how would you like to feel supported?' — it changes everything.

Laziena:

Exactly — and because of that, I created the quiz. I want people to be able to take it, get their results, and understand two things: first, what you need to feel safe in a difficult conversation; and second, how you stay in connection with the other person.

Because some of us have nervous systems that react fast and need to take a pause before anything else. Others need accountability — someone who can say, 'I understand how my behaviour impacted you.' When a leader can do that, the other person doesn't have to disconnect and start updating their CV. They stay. They still feel like they belong.

And imagine doing this as a team activity — sitting down together with these languages, maybe on cards. Someone who knows you need empathy won't bombard you with solutions. Someone who knows they need space can name that without it feeling like rejection. It becomes a practical, shared language. And it really does take off the pressure of getting it right — because we're not here to perform support perfectly. We're here to see each other.

Anne:

I love that. And what strikes me is that this language doesn't require anyone to share personal details. You don't have to explain your divorce or your family situation. You can simply say: 'I've got a lot going on right now, I just need a little space' — and that's enough. It doesn't have to go deeper. But it changes the whole dynamic.

I was also reading a report today that said something like 33% of teams are significantly held back by miscommunication — and I think what you're describing is exactly that mismatch. I need A, but I'm receiving B, and neither of us knows why things feel off.

Laziena:

Yes. And there's so much nuance to it that can really bring a team together. I remember having a miscarriage once and going back to work, feeling like nobody cared. Now — it's on me to manage my own emotions to some degree — but those are life-changing moments. You need people around you who are empathic and genuinely want to support you.

Sometimes people just need to vent. To say: 'This is what's happening in my internal world.' And when they can do that without it being used against them, the conversation that follows is completely different. A leader who hears that can then ask: 'What do you need in this space? Is there a conversation you'd like to have — with me, or with the other person? Would you like us to sit down together?' That removes the pressure of needing to be the victim or the villain. Now we can move forward together.

When I feel cared about, I will go to the moon and back for you. Because I know you value me. And I want to be in that kind of co-creative workspace.

Anne:

I love this so much. I could keep going — there's so much goodness here. But you mentioned the quiz, so let's make sure listeners know where to find it.

Laziena:

Yes — you can go to my website [PLEASE VERIFY: laziena.com or lasina.com]. The repair language quiz is there — 30 questions and you get your top two results. Your first result is what you need to feel safe in a difficult conversation and come back to yourself. Your second is how you stay in connection with the other person.

There are also free team resources available to download. I'll also send Anne the link directly so she can share it however works best for her audience.

Anne:

That sounds like exactly what so many of us need. Thank you so much for being here, Laziena. This conversation has just scratched the surface — and I think it's already made such an impact. I really encourage everyone to take the quiz and explore the resources.

Laziena:

Thank you. And one more thing before I go — I also host a monthly workshop on repair for teams. It runs on the third Wednesday of every month at 7 p.m. Eastern Time. It's one hour, very interactive — cameras on, mics on — because we actually do the repair language work in real time. It's a great way to experience how practical and engaging this process can be, and to see how it removes the rigidity and shame that often shows up in corporate environments.

Anne:

I love that you're offering that. We'll include it in the show notes and the episode email. The whole point is to experience this in a real, human way — and make it feel possible rather than emotionally loaded. Thank you so much, Laziena. It's been such a pleasure.

Laziena:

Thank you for having me. I really appreciate it. This is actually the first time I've had a full conversation about repair language specifically in a team context — and you made it so easy. Thank you.

Anne:

What this conversation reminded me is that most communication breakdowns at work aren't really about the work.

They're about mismatched support.

Someone needs space — you offer solutions. Someone needs reassurance — you offer clarity. Someone needs to feel seen — you move on to the next agenda item.

And nobody's wrong. You just didn't have the language.

That's the heart of what Laziena shared today — and two things I want you to take away.

First: you don't have to share details to name what you need. 'I need some space right now' or 'I just need a little reassurance that we're okay' — that's enough. It doesn't have to go deeper than that. But it changes everything.

Second: this isn't just for teams. If you work with a freelancer, a VA, a contractor — this language belongs there too. The next time something feels off in a working relationship, try asking: What would feel most supportive right now? You might be surprised by how much that shifts.

If you want to understand your own repair language — how you like to feel supported and how you stay connected under pressure — Laziena has a free quiz at [PLEASE VERIFY: laziena.com]. There are also free team resources to download there.

Now — if this episode got you thinking about how you work and how your team or collaborators work together, I'd love to invite you to something practical.

On 7 July, I'm hosting a Q3 Planning Session — 90 minutes of dedicated, structured thinking to help you close out the first half of the year and move into Q3 with real clarity.

Because here's the thing. Most people set intentions in January… and by now, the quarter has quietly drifted. Not because of lack of motivation. But because life got busy and there was no pause to realign.

This session is that pause. You'll leave with clear priorities, a rhythm that works for your real life, and the kind of focus that makes the next 90 days actually feel different.

You can grab your spot at annerajoo.com/planning.

If this episode resonated, share it with someone on your team — or someone you work closely with. Even just sending it with a 'this made me think of us' is a kind of repair in itself.

You can also find me on Instagram @annerajoo — I'd love to hear what landed for you.

Next week, I'm joined by Anna Falsom — and we're talking about decluttering. Not just the physical kind. Because sometimes what's weighing us down isn't the pile on the desk… it's the mental load of too much information, too many open tabs in our lives, and relationships that quietly drain more than they restore. We'll be exploring how our environment — what we see, what we consume, what we hold onto — shapes our clarity and our capacity. If you've ever felt like your space is thinking for you instead of with you… this one's worth your time.

I'm Anne Rajoo and this is The Productivity Sweet Spot — I'll catch you next time. Until then, stay peacefully productive.