Freeing Time and Space for Resonance by Saying No

The author, Shaman Jon Rasmussen, argues that we should use discernment to distinguish between people, places, and situations that we resonate with and those that we do not. This discernment allows us to create healthier environments for ourselves and others by prioritizing relationships and experiences that are beneficial and avoiding those that are not. Saying "no" gracefully is presented as a necessary tool for achieving this balance.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:24

Okay. So like imagine this, right? It's like a million degrees outside. Your to-do list is like a mile long, and then bam, your friend calls and like they need help moving.

SPEAKER_02 0:33

Oh no.

SPEAKER_00 0:34

You want to say no, but you know that guilt thing, it just like pops up and you're like, yeah, sure, no problem.

SPEAKER_01 0:40

I've totally been there.

SPEAKER_00 0:42

I think we all have.

SPEAKER_01 0:43

So today we're gonna like dive into this whole thing about the power of saying no. Yes. And to help us out today, we've got this YouTube video by Shaman John Rasmeeson and uh also this blog post that goes with it.

SPEAKER_00 0:56

That's a good one.

SPEAKER_01 0:56

Yeah. So we really want to like understand why saying no can be, you know, not just good for you, but good for like the person you're saying no to.

SPEAKER_00 1:05

Right, not selfish.

SPEAKER_01 1:06

Exactly. So like, are you ready to kind of unpack this whole no thing?

SPEAKER_00 1:10

Absolutely. I think it's something so many people struggle with.

SPEAKER_01 1:13

Yeah. It's like we feel like we have to say yes all the time.

SPEAKER_00 1:16

Right. Even when it means we're like sacrificing our own well-being.

SPEAKER_01 1:20

Totally. And John Rasmussen, right off the bat, he's like, our time and space, they're limited. And I feel like everyone listening can relate to that. Definitely. It's like we can't do everything, be everything for everybody.

SPEAKER_00 1:30

And if we try, we just end up, you know, exhausted. He uses this analogy about um giving pearls to swine.

SPEAKER_01 1:38

Aaron Powell Oh, yeah. That's a good one.

SPEAKER_00 1:40

Yeah, like sometimes we're giving so much and uh it's not appreciated, it's not reciprocated. What do you think? Like, what are some signs that maybe we're in a pearls of swine situation?

SPEAKER_01 1:53

That's a good question for everyone listening, too.

SPEAKER_00 1:55

Yeah, think about it.

SPEAKER_01 1:56

Have you ever felt like, you know, you're giving and giving, but it's just not coming back?

SPEAKER_00 2:00

Totally. And then we end up feeling like Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 2:03

Yeah, completely drained, depleted.

SPEAKER_00 2:04

That's where, you know, saying no comes in. But uh it can be hard, right? Like we don't want to hurt feelings.

SPEAKER_01 2:10

Of course. Nobody wants to seem like mean or selfish.

SPEAKER_00 2:13

Don Rasmussen has this really cool analogy about fans.

SPEAKER_02 2:15

Oh yeah, yeah. I love that one.

SPEAKER_00 2:17

He's like, imagine two fans, right? But they're spinning at like different speeds.

SPEAKER_02 2:22

But it creates that like clash. It's so uncomfortable.

SPEAKER_00 2:26

And that's kind of like what happens when we say yes, but we mean no. It creates this like inner dissonance.

SPEAKER_01 2:33

Yes. You feel it in your relationships at work, even just like in your own mind.

SPEAKER_00 2:38

Definitely. Like a conflict.

SPEAKER_01 2:40

But then he talks about, you know, when the fans are spinning together.

SPEAKER_00 2:44

In sync.

SPEAKER_01 2:44

Yeah. And it like amplifies their energy. It's a resonance, he calls it.

SPEAKER_00 2:49

Oh, I like that.

SPEAKER_01 2:50

Right. And everything just like flows.

SPEAKER_00 2:52

Okay, so how do we get to that like resonance in our own lives? Is it as simple as just saying no more?

SPEAKER_01 2:58

It's a great place to start.

SPEAKER_00 3:00

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 3:00

Because if you think about it, when we say yes and we really mean no, it's not actually helping anyone.

SPEAKER_00 3:07

Yeah, I've done that, and then I end up presenting it.

SPEAKER_01 3:09

Exactly. So sometimes no is actually the more honest answer.

SPEAKER_00 3:12

More honest and maybe even more respectful.

SPEAKER_01 3:15

Exactly. But I totally get it. People worry about, you know, disappointing others.

SPEAKER_00 3:19

Right. Like what if they think I'm selfish?

SPEAKER_01 3:21

I hear that a lot. But honestly, sometimes people don't hear the answer to a question they haven't asked.

SPEAKER_00 3:27

Wait, what does it even mean?

SPEAKER_01 3:28

It means that sometimes the best thing to do is just like be there for someone, listen.

SPEAKER_00 3:34

Without judgment.

SPEAKER_01 3:35

Yeah, exactly. Trust that they have like their own wisdom to figure things out.

SPEAKER_00 3:40

Aaron Ross Powell So it's not always about jumping in and fixing things.

SPEAKER_01 3:44

Sometimes it's better to step back.

SPEAKER_00 3:46

Wow. That's really interesting. It's like instead of enabling them, we're empowering them.

SPEAKER_01 3:50

Aaron Powell That's a great way to put it.

SPEAKER_00 3:52

I like that. So we're not just rescuing them, we're respecting them.

SPEAKER_01 3:55

Aaron Ross Powell Exactly. It's a whole different way of being there for people.

SPEAKER_00 3:59

Aaron Powell Yeah, totally. So uh we've talked about why it's important to say no, but like what about the good stuff? Like what happens when we actually do it?

SPEAKER_01 4:08

Aaron Powell Right. It's not just about avoiding the bad stuff, it's about like opening up space for the good stuff.

SPEAKER_00 4:13

Aaron Powell So it's more than just boundaries, right?

SPEAKER_01 4:14

Yeah. It's about like filling your life with things that actually matter to you.

SPEAKER_00 4:18

Aaron Ross Powell The things that light you up.

SPEAKER_01 4:19

Exactly. Think about like what are you passionate about? What are your uh your goals?

SPEAKER_00 4:24

Yeah, like what have you been putting off because you're so busy saying yes to everything else.

SPEAKER_01 4:28

It's so easy to lose sight of those things.

SPEAKER_00 4:30

It really is. In the video, John Rasmussen talks about um he has this example about his personal space.

SPEAKER_01 4:38

Oh yeah. He's very protective of it.

SPEAKER_00 4:40

Yeah, he's like really intentionally about who he lets in, right?

SPEAKER_01 4:44

Because he knows how much it affects him.

SPEAKER_00 4:45

And he calls that his sacred space.

SPEAKER_01 4:47

And that can be, you know, physical space or even just like mental, emotional.

SPEAKER_00 4:52

So it's about figuring out what your boundaries are and then actually like sticking to them.

SPEAKER_01 4:55

It's like creating a sanctuary for yourself, right?

SPEAKER_00 4:58

I like that.

SPEAKER_01 4:59

And it might look different for everybody.

SPEAKER_00 5:00

Yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_01 5:01

Like some people, it might be a room where they meditate. Oh, yeah. Or maybe just taking a walk in nature, or even just like journaling for a few minutes.

SPEAKER_00 5:08

Whatever helps you recharge.

SPEAKER_01 5:10

Yeah, exactly. And sometimes protecting that space means saying no.

SPEAKER_00 5:14

But how do we actually, you know, do that? Like how do you say no and not sound like a jerk?

SPEAKER_01 5:20

It's definitely a skill.

SPEAKER_00 5:21

Like anything, right?

SPEAKER_01 5:22

Yeah, you gotta practice. But I think it helps to have a few like go-to phrases ready.

SPEAKER_00 5:28

So you don't have to think about it in the moment.

SPEAKER_01 5:30

Right. Like uh you could say, I really appreciate you thinking of me, but I can't commit to that right now.

SPEAKER_00 5:35

Oh, that's good.

SPEAKER_01 5:36

Or I'm already overcommitted, so I'm gonna have to pass the thanks for asking.

SPEAKER_00 5:40

Those are good. Like they're polite, but also firm.

SPEAKER_01 5:43

Yeah. And you don't always have to give a reason either.

SPEAKER_00 5:46

You don't.

SPEAKER_01 5:47

Nope. It's okay to just set a boundary without explaining.

SPEAKER_00 5:50

Okay, so what if someone keeps pushing? Like what if they try to make you feel bad?

SPEAKER_01 5:54

Just, you know, repeat your no. Just be firm. Okay. You could say something like, I get that you're disappointed, but I've made up my mind.

SPEAKER_00 6:02

Just keep it simple.

SPEAKER_01 6:03

Yeah, exactly. It's not a debate.

SPEAKER_00 6:05

And this isn't just about like, you know, saying no to events or stuff like that, right?

SPEAKER_01 6:11

Right. This applies to like your mental and emotional space too.

SPEAKER_00 6:14

Oh, that's a good point. Like what we let into our minds.

SPEAKER_01 6:17

Exactly. The thoughts, the feelings, even like the energy of other people.

SPEAKER_00 6:21

So it's like creating this filter.

SPEAKER_01 6:23

Yeah. And that takes effort. Being intentional about what you're reading, watching, who you're spending time with.

SPEAKER_00 6:30

It's easy to get caught up in other people's stuff trying to fix their problems.

SPEAKER_01 6:34

And it can be draining.

SPEAKER_00 6:35

Yeah, you can't pour from an empty cup, right?

SPEAKER_01 6:37

Exactly. You have to fill your own cup first.

SPEAKER_00 6:40

I love that analogy. We need to take care of ourselves first.

SPEAKER_01 6:44

And that's not selfish.

SPEAKER_00 6:45

Not at all. It's like, how can you help others if you're running on empty?

SPEAKER_01 6:49

It's like the oxygen mask on a plane.

SPEAKER_00 6:52

Right. You got to put yours on first.

SPEAKER_01 6:54

Exactly. And when you do that, it creates this ripple effect. When you're feeling good, you know, you radiate that energy.

SPEAKER_00 7:01

Spect that resonance thing again.

SPEAKER_01 7:03

Right? When you're in alignment with yourself, you attract people and experiences that are on the same wavelength.

SPEAKER_00 7:08

And everything just kind of flows.

SPEAKER_01 7:10

Yeah. It's like you're riding this wave of positive energy.

SPEAKER_00 7:13

That's cool. So how do we get more of that resonance? Is it just about saying no? So there's more to it than just saying no.

SPEAKER_01 7:19

Yeah. It's about like being more aware of your choices, right? It's not just what you're saying no to, but what you're saying yes to.

SPEAKER_00 7:27

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_01 7:28

Like who are you spending your time with? What are you doing?

SPEAKER_00 7:30

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:31

Is it stuff that, you know, lights you up, or is it just kind of blah?

SPEAKER_00 7:35

Right. So it's about creating a life that you're actually excited about.

SPEAKER_01 7:38

Exactly. Like taking charge, making it happen.

SPEAKER_00 7:41

It's like that saying, right? No is a complete sentence.

SPEAKER_01 7:43

Yeah. And it's a way of saying yes to yourself.

SPEAKER_00 7:46

I like that. So it sounds like this whole saying no thing. It's not about like being mean or anything. Not at all. It's more about like, you know, taking care of yourself so you can show up better for the things that matter.

SPEAKER_01 7:58

Exactly. And sometimes, you know, saying no can actually be a good thing for the other person too.

SPEAKER_00 8:03

Really?

SPEAKER_01 8:04

Yeah, because like maybe someone else can help them better or something.

SPEAKER_00 8:07

Oh, okay. That makes sense.

SPEAKER_01 8:09

It frees you up to focus on what you're good at and it gives them the chance to find someone who's a better fit.

SPEAKER_00 8:14

So everybody wins.

SPEAKER_01 8:16

Exactly. So as we wrap up this deep dive, think about this. What's one thing you're gonna say no to this week?

SPEAKER_00 8:22

Ooh, that's a good one.

SPEAKER_01 8:23

Yeah, and what will you say yes to instead?

SPEAKER_00 8:26

We want to know. Share with us, like on social media or whatever.

SPEAKER_01 8:29

Yeah, let's keep this conversation going.

SPEAKER_00 8:32

All right, until next time, keep diving deep. And remember, your time and energy are precious. Choose wisely.