Single Parenting With A Demanding Career with Dr. Patricia Buchanan (USA)

You can love your children fiercely and still feel like you are failing when work is relentless. That tension sits at the heart of our conversation with Dr Pamela Buchanan, an emergency medicine doctor and single mum raising three children through school, sport, and the chaotic leap into adulthood. We get specific about what “doing it alone” really looks like: choosing night shifts to show up in the daytime, leaning on family and a church community, and trusting a nanny who becomes part of the household for years.

We also dig into the practical craft of raising capable kids. Dr Buchanan shares how she teaches independence early, from laundry and basic home routines to cooking real meals that keep energy stable and illness down. We talk about the moment every parent dreads: when an 18-year-old forgets a deadline and you have to decide whether to rescue them or let them learn. Her answer is rooted in “lighthouse parenting” guiding them towards shore without hovering, so they build judgement instead of dependence.

The conversation expands into ambition and security, too. After COVID and burnout, Dr Buchanan rethinks what stability means for professionals, learns to charge for her expertise, and explains why ownership matters in health tech. If you’re a working parent, a single parent, or anyone trying to raise resilient young adults without burning out, you’ll leave with clear principles and realistic reassurance.

If this resonates, subscribe, share it with a parent who needs it, and leave us a review. What’s one skill you wish you’d been taught earlier at home?

Music, lyrics, guitar and singing by Dr Ariel Rosita King

Teach me to live one day at a time
with courage love and a sense of pride.
Giving me the ability to love and accept myself
so I can go and give it to someone else.
Teach me to live one day at a time.....

Transcript

Welcome And Meet Dr Buchanan

Dr Ariel R King 0:41

Hello and welcome to another episode of The Business of Life with Dr. King. Today we have a very special guest, Dr. Pamela Buchanan. Welcome. Thanks.

Dr Pamela Buchanan 0:51

Thanks for having me.

Dr Ariel R King 0:53

It's a little bit early where I am. What time is it where you are? Oh, we're in the afternoon. Okay. Would you please tell our guests that introduce yourself and tell our guests a little bit about you, about yourself and the subject for today? Thank you.

Dr Pamela Buchanan 1:08

My name is Dr. Pamela Buchanan. I've been a doctor for the last, is it 21 years? I feel like 22 is coming up, probably in about, yeah, 22 comes up in July. And it is July. And so I'm a doctor. I've been practicing emergency medicine. I have probably practiced for the first part of my career, then pivoted to an ER. And been doing that for the last, you know, 15 years, medicine for 21. And I am divorced with children. And just navigating that has been a whole separate job, equally as hard as saving someone's life.

Dr Ariel R King 1:44

I love that. I love that. So today we're going to be talking about parenting and doing it pretty much alone, or or having to navigate being a parent alone by your by yourself. So let's talk about that. So how long have you been a parent? That's basically navigating by yourself. And how many children do you have? Can you tell us more about your children?

Dr Pamela Buchanan 2:13

Okay. So my children are 18 and 22. And and so my my I've been divorced since then 2012. And at that time, my sons were five years old and my daughter was nine. So I have twin boys and a daughter.

Dr Ariel R King 2:35

Oh, that's fabulous. Oh, twin boys. Oh my goodness. So you've been navigating with three children. How how did you how did you manage that when they were much younger?

Dr Pamela Buchanan 2:45

I then so I I moved back to St. Louis when I found out I was pregnant and it was time to pick, I was a medical student. It was time to pick where I would do my last bit of training, which is called residency. I said, I need to go home where my mom is, my dad is, so I can have help. And most of his family was here. So it it there was not an option for me. I knew we were going to need help because the life of a resident is nuts. Sometimes you're on call for 30 hours. And so, and every three days you have to be on call for 30 hours, meaning you're at the hospital. So there's no way to do that without family. I know people who do it without, but I think they may pay for health care or pay for child care. I wanted to have people I trusted so that I could focus at work. So that was one thing. And the other thing is once they start to get bigger, I have a good church family.

Divorce, Three Kids, And Early Choices

Dr Pamela Buchanan 3:42

Somebody at church really helped me out, and she introduced me to my nanny, which is family now. She was even at the boys' graduation. She's got she helped me with everything with them. So she's family, she'll always be family. There'll be 30, and I'll ask her opinion about what we should do.

Dr Ariel R King 4:00

I love it. So so you're saying, and so she's been with you the entire time that the children were from five to 18 or so all of these years.

Dr Pamela Buchanan 4:10

Yes, she was. So at the time she was younger, she was getting, she was in college, early education. So she's an educator. And then as she finished school, she would help after school and she would help on the weekends because my kids were in sports, taking them to the sports. And I mean, I never knew if I work shift work, you work in the ER. Sometimes you have to work weekends. I work nights. I work nights so that I can be present for the children. So I just worked a night shift last night. I don't work much in the ER anymore. But when I do, it's a night shift so that I can do what I need to do with my children. Just now, my son is going to play soccer at a university, and he has to have all these documents in. Turns out he didn't have something in. Surprise, surprise. I tried to let him be a big boy. He's 18. You get it done and you do it. And he's like, comes out of his room, mom. There's a last recommendation I need, and it's due today. Not in a couple days, today. Oh my God, we gotta have it today. Lucky for this boy mom's connected. My best friend is the principal, one of my good friends from residency. Her husband is the principal. So I know they're on vacation in Colorado. I have to bother them. I was like, can you have Kevin send this document, please? And she was like, I was like, Zeeland, and we're good friends, so we always talk about our children being boneheads. He did a boneheaded thing, and I need the scholarship so I don't have to work 50 million hours in the ER. Could you please, please, please have him do this? And I was like, as a matter of fact, I took the liberty of writing it for you, just put Kevin's stamp on it, and please send it over. And she laughed at me three emojis. She got it done. And she's like, and you know, we just go back and forth. She's like, give me three good adjectives for your son. And I give her six. And she's like, I said three. And so I had to pick three. And then we're done. So I took care of it. And it's just always something. Right now, he has to have his car registered with the state. And right now, in this moment, he's like, I gotta do what? I explained it yesterday. I also sent them a text because these kids can't hear words, but the kids like text with emojis. Don't forget the emojis. Still, I send the angry face emoji. Like, didn't you hear what I said? And so, and now he's going to do it. I have I have to let him do it. I have to let him do it and figure it out, mess it up, not and and just learn. I want to do it right now. In my body, it's buzzing. I'm not going to be able to do it.

Dr Ariel R King 6:48

It's difficult, but what's really strange too, at least, I mean, it depends on where you are in the world, but because in some places in the world, you're you're still responsible, even at 18. You can have him do it. But the truth is that car most likely is insured by you under your insurance. So the ultimate responsible person is you, even if you're and this is the difficulty, I think, of trying to get young people that are moving into that independence, starting to be more independent, adulthood, young young adulthood, excuse me, different from childhood, which was just at 17 years, right? And 11 months, and smooth it in. It's not easy. It's it's it's difficult to navigate.

Dr Pamela Buchanan 7:30

It's really not easy. And as an emergency room doctor, I happen to know that this is what I call silly season. This is where you mess your life up. These air, these years, and when we're thinking about the Ericsson stages, this is like that identity versus not identity. You don't know who you are yet.

Dr Ariel R King 7:47

Right.

Dr Pamela Buchanan 7:48

You know, paper, they say you're grown. You're absolutely not. You still need a lot of help.

Dr Ariel R King 7:52

No, 18 is not it, and neither is 21. Didn't they say that the brain grows, I mean, that the great brain is still growing until 25, or some of the synapses are not fully developed until 25 years old?

Dr Pamela Buchanan 8:05

25 is an age where that is happening. Also, the physical body is still growing. It's still growing. Like you, a lot of men have not reached their full height until that time.

Dr Ariel R King 8:14

I had no idea. I had no idea. So, so how do you navigate between a person who's uh uh twins who are young, pretty much 18, and at the same time doing everything you can to help them move into that feeling of independence and

Building A Trusted Support Network

Dr Ariel R King 8:32

making their own way and you know, and doing what they do for themselves?

Dr Pamela Buchanan 8:37

This has been a continuum because I knew from a time, you know, I was divorced that you're going to have to be more self-sufficient than the average kid. Otherwise, it was gonna be too hard on me. Therefore, I remember them being four, and I'm doing laundry and I'm doing it by myself, and they're just playing. I say, sit down next to mommy. I teach them how to pull tiles because it's a square. And you know your squares and rectangles, and you know your shapes. So there you go. I love that.

Dr Ariel R King 9:05

Wait a minute, the laundry and at the same time doing educational shapes.

Dr Pamela Buchanan 9:09

Yes, shapes. And and they just thought we were doing like the same way we fold construction paper, they we were folding towels and they're helping, you know. My daughter, she's always known how to cook since she was maybe about 10, 11. And uh, my son, one son, they like real food. I cook real food most of the time because I do believe that whole food is better for you in terms of I think it affects so many facets of how well you'll do in school, how uh how much you'll have illness. So my kids haven't had much illness. They are all very good students because I try to cook and then have leftovers and then make them into bento boxes like like uh the frozen meals that you'll see, but it's actual real food. So one day I was off work and I had worked the night before. My son comes to the bedroom, mom hungry, and I'm like, well, go make, go get you some cereal and milk. And they I taught them not to light process food, but I had it for emergencies, right? And and he he's like, I don't want that. I want eggs, I want an omelet. And I was like, give me something like do you need to cook for me? He's like, Can you make some toast? And I was like, no, just go get cereal milk. I put it at his level so he could get it without help. And then he was just nudging me, and then I said, I was like kind of hasty and angry. I was like, make it yourself. And he said, Okay. And then uh he's eight. I I remember I'm sleeping and I'm smelling something. I'm cooking, there's there's there's meat, there's like maybe he was making some kind of the chicken sausage and some eggs, and I go down there, and yes, he's cooking.

Dr Ariel R King 11:01

And actually at eight.

Dr Pamela Buchanan 11:04

And he was doing it right because we had a griddle, and he just turned on the griddle. I that's when I knew my kids are watching everything. He put it to 400 degrees, he had a spatula, he whisked some eggs, and he was just cooking. And I just sat there and I watched him do it to see if he do it right. He finished up and he was like, Would you like some? You had to be so proud in that moment. I mean, I was like, he completely did it right. He's he's now 17 and he's like, he's like Chef Boyer D because he loves to go online and find recipes. And so one of his favorite things to make is a chicken pasta with sun-dried tomatoes. And he makes it, he makes it. It is really good. I love it when he makes it. And and he like makes it like every couple weeks. It's one of his favorite things to make, but he's on the healthy, so he has to cook at home. So he makes it to the point with with whole wheat pasta and and added protein because he works out. But I was like, and it's delicious too. I can't duplicate it, I can't make it as a lot of people.

Dr Ariel R King 12:09

But the lessons have been learned, haven't they? That's amazing. I mean, starting at eight and says, I'm gonna cook for myself, I'm hungry, I want to cook, and even to the point now, what you've passed on, even is eating healthy and eating whole, fresh foods rather than packaged foods, it's stayed to today.

Dr Pamela Buchanan 12:27

Right. And so that was all by necessity, because I needed them, if I'm gonna do this single parent thing, I needed them to get sick as little as possible. I needed them to be self-sufficient and not ask me for every little thing. I see my peers and their children are older and they're still asking them to fold their clothes, do my laundry. Mom, can you cook for me? Whereas we kind of have a rotation. I'll cook, but they cook sometimes too. Mom, we're making salmon and miso sauce. You want some today? Oh my god, that sounds fabulous. It is, it is. And so there's my daughter's very good at baking and she tries eclectic dishes. She's now at college. Uh, but for a while, she was kind of running the household. When she left for college, I saw the deficit. I was like, whoa.

Teaching Independence Through Daily Life

Dr Ariel R King 13:19

Can I ask what did that? I mean, I know that it was good for you because you were able to concentrate on being a professional physician, especially emergency room. You you have to keep your wits about you and concentrate because it's people's lives. But how do you think it's it's affected their lives, you know, and and who they are today?

Dr Pamela Buchanan 13:37

I wondered if, you know, the amount that I was working, because thinking about it, maybe on paper I wasn't working that much as three shifts a week is what the average ER doctor works. And when I want extra money, I could pick up more. But like, so you know, you're working a 12-hour shift overnight, but understand the next day, it's gone.

Dr Ariel R King 13:57

Yeah. Because it's ER, it's emergency room. So I have a very good friend who's been doing emergency rooms for 20-something years, and it's very different from being a dermatologist.

Dr Pamela Buchanan 14:08

That's true. There's all the extra adrenaline, but working a night shift, which I chose to work so that I could be present for the kids in the day. I work night shift so that I could be band parent, so that I could make soccer matches, so that I can make tennis matches, basketball. What else were they in? And to be present on field trips. I would go as a parent on the field trip, sweepy, tired. But I didn't want them to.

Dr Ariel R King 14:33

Yeah, aren't you weren't you sleep deprived? Pardon me for interrupting. How worked 12 hours and then and then weren't you sleep deprived?

Dr Pamela Buchanan 14:41

I was sleep deprived. So it would go like this. I work 12 hours, I'd get off at six or seven in the morning, I'd go grab some coffee, I'd go to the school pro, you know, ride on the bus to the trip. Maybe the trip is over at two, and then I'd go home and go to sleep. Nanny would pick them up from school, start dinner, and I would probably stay asleep.

Dr Ariel R King 15:04

I mean, I would think at least six hours, especially if you have to do three, you know, three 12-hour shifts. And then sometimes you have to do coverage when somebody else can't come.

Dr Pamela Buchanan 15:14

Well, sometimes, you know, it just depends. Like, so this would be an atypical day where maybe I had to be the bamparent. Another atypical day would be, Mom, are you coming to my soccer game today? It's the state championship. You know, yeah, I gotta make that one.

Dr Ariel R King 15:28

Right. Well, with children, I'm sure you had many, many events that you had to go to. Do they ever feel like they've been deprived of your time? Or do you see that the way you've done it with all the support with your parents, with a person that's not in any, but somebody that's like your family, with your church family, that somehow this was actually a better way for them to live and to and to grow?

Dr Pamela Buchanan 15:51

I now realize it was good for them. I as they're adults now, and I ask, because there's, you know, there's an immense amount of guilt being a working parent, because there's, you know, comparisonism, and comparisonism is the thief of joy. And so you look at other moms, say moms who don't work, and you're like, they they get to be more present, they get to have better relationships with the children. So you think it is absolutely not true. So my children go to, they went to an elite private school, and they would tell me that these kids did not have good relationships with their parents a lot of the times. And they would give me hugs and say, Thanks, you you've been a great parent. And they would tell me, one of them said, Mom, you're a badass. And I'm like, What?

Dr Ariel R King 16:34

And I aim like, sorry for sorry for the sweetest thing that I've ever heard. So they're so proud of you then. They they support you, they're so proud of who you are as not just as their mom, but someone that's out there working as a physician.

Dr Pamela Buchanan 16:50

Right. That's what they thought. And, you know, as I started to speak and do things in the National Circuit, do a TEDx, then that they're really proud. And so that's nice to know. There's a phenomenon, and this is scientific. There's a way that the kind of parent that I am is called a lighthouse parent. It used to be, you know, the helicopter parent is the parent that hovers. That's not good for children. Actually, the most self-sufficient, productive children have lighthouse parents, parents who are there guiding them into shore. So I was always there, always had advice, I helped with all the projects. But for the most part, they did 80%, I did 20. I would teach them how to fish instead of fishing for them, from folding their own clothes to teaching them to do their own laundry because the washing machine is like an iPod or an iPad. You can, if you can press the button, you can do it. You put one Tot in, that's it. All I need to do is show you how to sort clothes. I've not done laundry for them in years.

Dr Ariel R King 17:48

Oh, see, that now I'm envious. I love that. I really love that. So, do you think for your daughter and even for your son, they will be looking for future partners? I mean, I know they're young, but someone that that will emulate that the life that they've had with somebody who's working and actually brings extra information, extra people, extra intellectual things home as a result of actually having a career?

Dr Pamela Buchanan 18:16

You know what? My kids talk like this, like they're little, they're definitely kids, but they they're mature in their thoughts. So my son is going to Illinois Tech. He is into computer science and robotics. And he was like, got a couple missions in college. I was like, what's that? He's like, I'm gonna find a wife and a business partner.

Dr Ariel R King 18:35

And I was like, I love I love how we actually, you know, two things. One, two, wife was number one, bravo and business partner. I love that. That one you can change anytime.

Dr Pamela Buchanan 18:47

He's like, he's like, I'm just gonna have one wife, I'm gonna get married once, I'm gonna have one set of kids, that's all. He's like, I'm gonna be too rich, too rich, too rich to

Night Shifts, Guilt, And Showing Up

Dr Pamela Buchanan 18:57

have to do those other things. And and then he just, you know, you and you go, how am I telling you saying he's like, if you think about people you admire who have money, they didn't have a bunch of girlfriends or wives. He's like, if you go sports, Stephen Curry. I used to curry, they met in high school at some Christian camp and just stayed together, built their empire. And then he said, LeBron James met his girlfriend in high school, built an empire. And so I was like, You're right. A lot of people who are rich built together with someone over time.

Dr Ariel R King 19:31

He's very insightful, isn't he? Pardon me for a young man, he's quite insightful.

Dr Pamela Buchanan 19:36

Yep, he's 18. So, and he's he's he leaves for college, they start on the 10th of August. And he was like, and he was at orientation, he was like, It's so cool here. He's like, There are so many more girls than there are guys. He's a happy gentleman. That's he's a good guy, he's a good guy. And uh, my other son is going to, he's focused on sports. His sport is soccer. And so my my thought process is if you want to play soccer, go to the MLS, you go after that dream. I believe in going after your dreams until you have exhausted every possible avenue. And so he's focused on that. He's studying business and animation. And I was like, two things can be done at the same time. And I was like, as long as you don't have anybody to worry about, no wife, no kids, you can do that. And so that's what he's doing. And I was like, and always think about the business angle of whatever you're doing. He's like, like, if I was like, if I'm making up some kind of device for my sport, that could become a business. I was like, that's how Under Armour was born. And I was like, always thinking of those things. So my goodness, they're quite thoughtful. And then my daughter, she has eczema. And I I go to, yeah, I spend a lot of time getting her skin together, like just making homemade concoctions because the stuff that we had at the store didn't work to keep her moisturized, and so now she has to do it for herself. And so she's like, this is like apothepine. I was like, really? She's like, yeah, like I'm making things here. And she's like, she's she's like, beauty care product. She was like, this could be a business. She says, I probably should start to like document the steps in which I did it. So she can't wear scents. It breaks her out. She's allergic to peanuts. She has to know about which oils, and she's very meticulous about these things. And she was doing fine because I was taking care of it before she went to college. But when she went to college, she really broke out. And I told her, I said, we don't need a lot of processed food. So if you're eating a lot of the cafeteria food, that's one. You have to cook more at home. And number two is we didn't put much on your skin. We used sensitive skin detergents. So that's another thing.

Dr Ariel R King 21:52

And so that also makes a difference.

Dr Pamela Buchanan 21:57

Everything you put in and on your body, everything you put in and on your body, I was manipulating all of that for her. But what she learned is she learned how to do it. She texted me, Mom, how do you cook these things? And she's a good, she's, you know, cooking more at home. We we share recipes, we find interesting things because we have to find interesting ways to make things that are good tasting fast food, but make them at home.

Dr Ariel R King 22:20

Right, right. And the natural without all the chemicals and additives in them.

Dr Pamela Buchanan 22:25

Yes, we've learned how to make chipotle at home, you know, because we like that. And we learn how to make, you know, the Asian stuff like the orange chicken at home without being fried, without, you know, with sauces that's actually orange. And honey.

Dr Ariel R King 22:38

And you know, I mean, yeah, real sauces rather than the coloring. But that's fantastic. It's like so.

Dr Pamela Buchanan 22:45

She has this thought process that I'm going to help her with it. That she's like, she takes, she sources stuff from local markets, vanilla. She likes to smell like vanilla. So she'll take vanilla, she'll extract it in some consoption on her kitchen counter and make it into a scent, put it into an oil that she can put on her body and it won't cause any allergic reaction.

Dr Ariel R King 23:08

That's really fantastic. Can I ask, where did where did all of you children get this idea of

Dreams, Health Routines, And Self-Reliance

Dr Ariel R King 23:12

no matter what they do, some type of business or creating? Where did they get this creative of spin of almost all of them have very different interests? Yet all of them think, oh, wait a minute, I could actually do something with this. I can, you know, I can I can make something out of this. Where do you think that came from?

Dr Pamela Buchanan 23:29

My mom was entrepreneurial. It never became, it never came into progression for her. She always went, it's like always trying something that never worked out. So it was always in the back of my mind. And as I became a physician, I began to realize there's no security in a job. Even this great job of being a physician, it's a job. And after COVID, I realized you're completely dispensable. And how much they just really did not care for or about us. If something, you know, and it happened, somebody died, keep moving.

Dr Ariel R King 24:01

Like you would be replacable with an inject. So replaceable.

Dr Pamela Buchanan 24:06

Yeah. Fake more, do the fake mourning because they didn't really care. And then move on. And then uh that's when I began to think, well, what else is possible? What what other things could I be doing? I've been so blind my whole career because medicine does that, tricks us into thinking we're commodities, cogs on the wheel, like we're waiters at our own table. We're actually the creators, we're owners. You can't do medicine without doctors. And so they watched me go through things. Like I got so burned down after the pandemic, I made a hasty mistake about a franchise that was a mental health franchise, really bought into somebody else's something. I lost a lot of money in that. And I didn't give up. I was like, I've lost money, but I didn't lose. I learned a lot. It was quite the education. Right. And then from there, it was the first time I did a 10x talk. And from there I learned, oh, I'm very good at speaking. I didn't even think about that. I've always spoke, spoke at work for free. That's how they get over when you're a doctor. 20 years speaking at conferences, morbidity and mortality for free. They say it's good exposure. Whatever.

Dr Ariel R King 25:14

Right. You can keep getting exposed, but it doesn't do anything for advancement, does it?

Dr Pamela Buchanan 25:21

I remember being at something where I was speaking for free, and the guy next to me, he was not a doctor. How much are they paying him? I think he was making $10,000. And I was speaking for free. And so from that point on, I've been asked to speak for free of these things. But surprise, surprise, when you ask for money, they actually come up with it. And I so I learned that, and the business was born. My kids watch me do the one thing and how that not work and keep going. And now I consult digital tech companies and I uh run groups and teach women how to, especially women physicians, how to do the same because there is so much money in having a medical license, just period. Because right now there's a digital tech boom. There's everybody's trying to, all these bros who code are trying to have a health tech company. And in 37 states, it's illegal to have a health tech company without having a physician as part owner.

Dr Ariel R King 26:21

Wow, that's amazing. I had no idea. That's absolutely a lot of them.

Dr Pamela Buchanan 26:25

I have no idea. I've been in business meetings with them where they're like, yeah, we just need somebody to work on this project. I said, no, you need somebody who is part

Entrepreneurship Lessons And Final Advice

Dr Pamela Buchanan 26:32

owner. You need someone who owns a certain percentage of this business. And that's who I'd like to be for you. I love that. I love that.

Dr Ariel R King 26:58

Excuse me, our time is almost up. And would you please give our audience some advice uh for parents who are single who have careers but are also raising children of what they need to look for or how they can better navigate career plus raising incredible children like you have?

Dr Pamela Buchanan 27:18

Number one thing, take it easier on yourself. Those kids will be fine. Kids are so resilient. And you're thinking you're working too much. They like to see that example. And just as long as you make the important things, I think that's where I did a good job. Figuring out what was important. Like I wasn't gonna be at everything. And I told my children I can make 60% of these basketball games. I mean, there's so many games, I can't make them all. And I'm gonna make the biggies. I'm going to come to your conference. When you have a solo and you're playing at the concert, I'll be there. But all there's so many other things as like, eh. So talk to your children, see what's important, make those, give yourself grace, find some time to sleep. That was a tricky one for me. I'm better at it now. And they will be fine. Don't worry so much. You're too much worry is stressed on your body.

Dr Ariel R King 28:13

Thank you so much, Dr. Buchanan. Really, for the for this wonderful podcast. And I've learned so much. For our audience, remember if I'm not for myself, who would be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now, then when? That was by the philosopher Hello. And I've added if not me, then who? Thank you so much for joining us.