Episode 10: Unmasking, overwhelm and how that affects me as a Spiritual 'Householder'

In this episode I talk about my son's recent autism diagnosis, how that has affected me and made me think about my own neurodivergence; also how this contributes to my sense of overwhelm especially as a mum. And how that all weaves into my efforts to be a 'good' Yoga Householder! 

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Hey! I'm Rachel! I am a qualified Holistic Life Coach and Mind Body Practitioner, Embodiment Coach, Yoga 500hrs (plus lots more extra yoga quals). I'm also an award winning content creator and have 20 years' experience in digital. I'm a mum of 3 kids and I live in the Peak District - oh and I have ADHD and I am sober. My passion is helping midlife women turn meltdown into magic!

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Transcript

Rachel Brady's video recording-1: 0:01

Conscious but Grounded is a podcast about spirituality, high vibe living in the real world. I ask questions like, how do we connect to the magic? The spirit, the source, the universe, but with our feet firmly planted on the ground. How do we show up in a conscious way and harness that to make big, paradigm busting change in the day to day of our lives? I'm Rachel Brady, mum of three, yoga teacher and embodiment coach. This is the place where I'll be reflecting and exploring big, deep questions, all with a pinch of self deprecation, a few proper lols, and a lot of real life. Join me.

0:40

Hi guys, welcome back to Conscious But Grounded. I had a little break, where I didn't upload for a while because I just did such a lot to begin with. I kind of just had this burst of creativity, energy, thoughts, and also I really wanted to shape what this was gonna be. and also working with my cycles, and funnily enough, I'm at the same stage in my cycle now, where I feel like I want to share and I want to put my ideas out there in this format. So it's really interesting just observing how, which content and which media type, and what type of work I'm leaning towards, depending on where I'm at my cycle. So I just, I'm coming to the end of my period. I'm not even going to say TMI because to me TMI is kind of almost like a, an oxymoron if that's the right, like it just doesn't exist basically for me. There's never TMI for me, but also that's kind of working with your cycles is very much, that's the vibe of the thing. Type of thing I want to talk about on this podcast. And so it's thought of in Ayurveda and also kind of even more modern kind of approaches to cycle monitoring and things that actually, when you bleed, that's a really. going inward it can be a really creative time and particularly excuse me after when you're approaching your ovulation i have a short cycle of about 21 to 24 days so after i bleed i almost immediately go into that socializing pre ovulation and ovulation date. Whereas a lot of other people will have more of a lull before they get to that point. I feel quite grounded and actually what I wanted to talk about today. And as ever, I am processing as I speak, but what I wanted to talk about today was. Unmasking, overwhelm and how those things relate to a spiritual practice and being a yoga householder. So let's wheel back a little bit. I just spent the week in Spain with my little one, my six year old, my baby. And just before we left, he was diagnosed with autism and it was a bit of a, yep, we already know moment. Same as it was when I got diagnosed with ADHD about five years ago. I was like, Yeah, she said I was. Yeah, I already knew. However, that initial kind of shrugging reaction, you almost forget about it, like literally ten minutes after, you're like, right, what was I doing? And then, the weeks coming after it starts to settle and integrate, and you start to see the world through a new lens. could you feel a bit of emotion rising up in my throat there? Because, you start to feel, and I've heard this from other late diagnosed or autistic and ADHD women in particular, and men. You start to look back and go, fuck, this has been hard, this has been a real struggle. I kept getting into trouble and I was being characterised as a certain person when really. I'm not neurotypical and this makes so much sense and there's a grieving process and what happened is it sounds a bit enmeshed but because and this happens again so much with mothers your kid gets diagnosed and then you start to go oh Fuck. Oh yeah, I am too because it's genetic. It happens in families and not every parent of every autistic child will be autistic or ADHD, but there will be a familial pattern going back and you'll be able to as you learn more about it, go, Oh, when you look at like one of your parents, it's quite fun. It's like everybody who gets diagnosed. automatically is now qualified to spot everybody else who isn't or a divergent. I'm joking by the way, but That's what happens. So what has this got to do with spirituality? So So, this week away, I've, I've cried quite a lot, and I've also completely given over to a type of unmasking, and it looks very different on holiday to how it looks now. So on holiday, it manifested in just literally eating what I want, when I want. I didn't fast, I drank too much coffee, I was almost, I was ravenous, ravenous. I did do yoga and stuff, but only when I felt called to. I stayed up till midnight looking on my screen. I woke up at quarter to eleven. That is unheard of. I get up really early and go to bed really early. I kind of removed all of the structure out of my life and just let it flow. And I also gave into a lot. I did, I did ultra low demand parenting. If Stanley wanted to buy something on Minecraft, I bought it for him. If he wanted to eat pesto, I made it for him. Every single day. If he wanted chocolate, I gave him chocolate. And so, I just was like, Let the wheels fall off this week. And actually by doing so, it was amazing. We had hardly any runs. I'm not saying we can live our life like this. We can't. That's what happened on holiday. I started, I was reading, do you know what? I found a book and I came across an author called Devon Price. And they wrote a book called Unmasking. Autism. And I thought, when I get back, I'm going to order that. Anyway, I did a deep dive, made some new connections on social media with newly diagnosed autistic people. I wrote a post on my sub stack. I'll link to it below called, I think I'm autistic. So the long and short of it is I started to realize that I matched a lot of, and I didn't, this didn't just happen. If you look on my Kindle, I, for the last four years, I've been reading books on autism, Like loads, and ADHD and AUDHD, which is when ADHD and Autism are, comorbid, they coexist. I think like two thirds of people with Autism or something have ADHD too, or it might be the other way around, forgive me there for that incorrect. statistic, but something like that is high, high rate. And I said something to my mom the other day, which I feel like really God. Yeah. Wow. That's true. I just said, and I hadn't read it anywhere. And I just said ADHD and autism are two sides of the same coin. And that's where I feel right now. I don't know if I would qualify for an autism diagnosis. Indeed, I have actually done a pre diagnosis before and been on the absolute cusp point. And the psychologist who did it said to me, you do actually really fit very high on the ADHD. And I was like, I know, I've been diagnosed with ADHD. And he was like, I'm not sure you are. Enough in these symptoms to qualify for an autism diagnosis and I was like, that's awesome. Fine. And that's kind of where I am today. I was looking into, should I go and get a diagnosis? And I'm also acutely aware and very well read on the limitations of the diagnostic tools that we have currently. They were written a long time ago. They're based around men and boys. I'm 45 and I'm damn good at masking and I'm damn good at acting in a certain way, knowing how to act. Because I've learnt it. and I know who I am and I now just feel really comfortable describing myself as neurodivergent. So, if anyone asks more it's like ADHD and probably autistic. I don't feel like right at this moment in time I want to pursue a diagnosis anymore. I am currently wrestling with whether that's my internalised ableism. because ADHD is like a, honestly, this is, this is, ADHD seems to me like a more popular sexy diagnosis. Like people don't want to be diagnosed with autism because the perce the perception of autism is monotone, uncreative, dis you know, unpassionate. The autistic people I know are kooky and quirky and funny and bonkers and really creative and they dance and they laugh and they're just like, fun. Like a lot of people who aren't also can be autistic and that presents for them differently. But I think what happens is people don't want to be diagnosed and so they also wrestle with that. But where are people kind of, or more keen to be diagnosed with ADHD because it's perceived as like fun, creative and talkative and so on. The two can coexist and you can have moments where you are monotone and literal in your humour and all those different things too. So, where does this all link to spirituality? So I'm in a process of unmasking. I see this book and I go, I'm going to buy that one Get home, get on my Kindle, go to buy the book. Guess what? I've already got it and I've read half of it about a year ago, so I continue reading it. It's called Unmasking Autism by Devon Price and I highly recommend it. And what is becoming clear to me now is that, I've been unmasking for the past five years. I've been putting up boundaries. I've been losing relationships. I've been chasing authenticity by quitting alcohol and embracing solitude and canceling things when I need to cancel. And. saying no to things that drain me. And just leaning more and more and more and getting passionate about my hyper focus, which is yoga and spirituality. But I'm still having penny, big penny drop moments every single day. Oh my god, like. I had one just before I came out, and now I've forgotten it, but I'll try and remember it. Oh yeah, that was it. I reached for my cap to put on. I'm just on a dog walk now, a very slow dog walk. I put my cap on, and I said to myself, I realise now why I wore a cap for years as a teenager, and at uni. Because I love wearing a cap, because today, believe it or not, I actually feel quite delicate. I just cancelled a plan with someone. I feel really overwhelmed, which is what I'm about to talk about. And so, I put on my cap, because if I see anyone, it's a little bit of armour between me and them. And I also feel the same about my glasses. So if I've been crying, or I just feel like I don't feel like I want to see anyone. And I think people do this, don't they? People with sunglasses, don't they? To shut, to like, shut the world out a bit. and if you feel anxious, I know my husband, if he's got a hangover or anything like that, he puts his sunglasses on. Not because he's got a headache, but because he just like, feels anxious and wants to hide. so I know, look, like all of these things neurodiversity, everyone can go, well, I'm sorry, I'm not neurodiverse, but I do those things too. Okay? You know, they can. and they do. and so what I want to say is two things, you know, neurodiverse, neurotypical, we all do these things, but with neurodiversity, the difference is these things are very, very strong in your life and you do them all the time. And it's a constant and the constant tax on your nervous system, actually the financial tax as well, having ADHD or autism or things like that. I have so many parking fines. Speeding tickets, you know, late fines. When I was a teenager in my twenties, the vast majority of my money went on overdraft fees. And I'm not even joking, I had a very bad problem with money. You know, it's just, that is a real thing. Look up the ADHD tax. So, where am I going with this? So all of these things, so I start reading this book and I realize, oh the cap thing, oh the glasses thing, and it's this constant now, penny dropping, penny dropping. So I feel like I was diagnosed with ADHD, that's taken a few years to process, that led to a level of unmasking and deep diving into my true self that I didn't really know I was, it was unmasking. I thought I was just like, and there is still some of this, like look, I'm in my 40s now, I'm gonna do more what the fuck I want. And I also think the metaphors and the perimenophores, I think I'm in perimenopause. I'm 45. I don't show it in my results bloods, but I do show it in my symptoms. And so the menopause expert said, you are okay to have HRT, which I take. So it's like the menopause and the perimenopause are a window. There are like a wormhole if you like or something like that. You have a choice to step through it and we're more conscious now that we have these windows of opportunity to step through and go, I'm going to be more aligned. I'm going to be more authentic. I'm going to be more me. I don't give a fuck anymore. I'm not going to people please. Again, these can all be neurotypical things, but in neurodiversity it's like on steroids. And so I felt, I really do have to stand up for myself a lot of the time. People will criticise me, they always mean well, like you need to get out more, you need to do more, you need to socialise more. You need to do this, you need to do that. And I'm like, do I? I'm good. Like, I'm actually good. I know if I need to socialize and I need to meet someone for a coffee and get out there in the world, I really do know when I need to. I really am good at feeling that into myself and kind of going, you know what? Yeah, you have been on your own too much. but It's, it's a spiritual opportunity, and it's like, shedding all of these shoulds, unmasking, and even if you're not neurodivergent, and the vast majority of people listening to this probably aren't, although I think people, some people will be, because they're being attracted to me and what I do, because it resonates. And I also think that neurodivergent is way less rare than what we think. Okay? Way less rare. I don't know, 1 in 10? 1 in 5? Something like that? whereas I think we used to think of it as only one type of very severe kind of, type of neurodivergence that was very, very obvious physically when you met somebody or maybe there was learning impairments as well. And now there's this criticism. Everyone seems neurodiverse nowadays. Oh, everyone's got ADHD. Will there be some mistakes in diagnosis? Does it matter? No. Why would you go out and seek out a diagnosis that isn't right and just give yourself a label that actually isn't, it's not like a seen often as a positive thing. And I honestly feel like give people a A chance to self identify and to explore their own identity in every capacity. Let people fucking identify as whatever they want. It's not our place to tell people how they show up in the world, it's up to them. And that's your only role in life. That's what spirit wants, that's what the universe wants. It's like, run with it, get as much life out of this life as you can, identify, search and explore, and be authentic to you. You know, there were autistic and ADHD people in the Bible, like I pulled, I wrote a substack the other day, I don't think I finished it yet, I published it. some really interesting articles pointing out that a couple of the disciples were probably autistic and ADHD. and, you know, there's, there's lines out of the Corinthians that talk about diversity in brains and things like that. I'm, I'm, I'm, it's not, that isn't verbatim, but there are. There's, there's lines in there that pertain to that. You know, this isn't new. Like, there's, we need diversity of brains. We need diverse people to go forward in the world and create our future in a way that we don't even know how to yet. We need that rich diversity of thought. You know, GCHQ are literally hunting out diversity of thought right now, and they are looking for people who are autistic and ADHD to work for them. Because they need a new perspective, a different perspective. what I was experiencing today was this scent, a really big sense of overwhelm. I look at my calendar and I see on there. I'm bearing in mind I've been up since six, I've meditated, done all the right things. and it's, I'm teaching at midday, then I have a session after that, then I have a meeting. And then I'm picking the kids up. there is an option to go to an after school club that I take one of the kids to. I also have to cook a A meal I can't cook in advance, I have to cook it straight from the fish, so I'm going to cook it in the pan. You know, I'm out with the dogs now, I'm trying to not ever skip that because when I do, I feel terrible, they are naughty. You know, I've got three kids ready for school this morning. I've cleaned the house before the cleaner came. Tell me I'm not alone in doing this because I adore this amazing girl that comes and helps us once a week. It doesn't always happen once a week because sometimes I can't do and she can't do, whatever. And as much as I've been tempted to cancel recently because what happens is I find it so overwhelming. I have to go through the house. In every single room pick up all the crap So that she can clean it, right? Anyway, I know from previous experience that I have to keep this on because it does help us It does and when I go back and she's Done the stuff that actually would take me a long time to do like hoovering throughout the house, mopping the kitchen, doing the bathrooms I'm really grateful. Unlike cleaning down the tops. I'm really really grateful and it feels really good So this morning as well as getting the three kids ready for school To be fair one of them is very self sufficient and she just sorts herself out I'm like getting them, you know making them breakfast, which is always something fresh, you know I'm just like I'm just realizing I had a social arrangement, basically, and I adore this person, and I just felt I was already feeling massively, massively overwhelmed. and so the thing is, since this diagnosis of Stanley's, it's just given me an extra layer of permission as I read about unmasking and what that actually really means. And sometimes it means letting people down, and sometimes it means choosing your regulation and your ability to cope with the rest of the day. over disappointing someone and that's very fucking hard, and it's really really hard and that what that has to do with spirituality is. If I'm going to be a spiritual person, which basically means a good person that cares about other people, that doesn't fly off the handle. If I see that as my spiritual duty and I'm really not very good at it. So I need to work on this. it's honestly up to me to stay regulated. And I know if I do one more thing today and I may even cancel another thing. I know I can't cope with a lot in a day. I already fucking do a lot in a day. Like, if I had no business whatsoever and no spiritual practice or any of that Honest to God, my day would be totally full. I have three baskets of washing at home that I've just tipped out onto the sofa that I need to do. The other thing I realised when I was in Spain is I am completely overwhelmed and we have way too much on. Like, it was so nice in Spain not to have any animals to look after and I bloody love our animals. I really, really do. But they are a huge job in themselves. And like my dad often says to me, You've got enough on. Like, why are you doing any more? and I really agree with that, but I also have a job and a responsibility to myself to fulfil my dharma. And this is my dharma, and I can't, sometimes I find it hard to label it and name it. Expressing myself is my dharma. Showing up for people, helping other people, leading them down a spiritual path through yoga and coaching and, you know, if I ever get around to restarting my Reiki, that too, you know, it's still taking shape at what my, you know, what my life purpose is at the minute. and I'm really enjoying it and it's helping everything else. It's becoming a foundation to everything else. So I could have met the person this morning, but I know myself, and even though I would have enjoyed it in the moment, and really loved the other person, socialising drains me, so if I'd have had nothing on for the rest of the day, I would have absolutely, 100 percent done that. I know I'm teaching later, online, I have a meeting later, that I may even postpone. and I just can't do it all. You know, even recording this now, I love to process and I process out loud. this is one of the ways I process, the other way is in writing. And if I do all those things, I will be an asshole later with my kids and I will be snappy and drained. I need more regulation than most people, then not, not most people, but then I guess a neurotypical person or an extrovert. I don't get fueled by being around other people. It drains me. and you probably wouldn't guess that because I'm so chirpy and talkative and kind of, extrovert seeming. so it's my spiritual duty is to have boundaries and just to say the hard things to people like I'm really sorry I can't do this morning and I absolutely am flaky I've got a reputation I think as being flaky in my family and cancelling things and that's because I make plans with people when I'm feeling really sprightly and joyful and connected. and it's not ever about the person. I mean, it might be, I don't know, on a rare occasion, but it really very rarely is. It's not like, oh, I don't want to do the thing. I do want to do the thing, but I've also got to put myself first, because that is my job. That's the number one job is to show up in a, with equanimity, with love to my family, that's my job as a yoga householder, as a good spiritual person. And it doesn't mean I don't lose my shit. I just did before we came out the door, I just snapped for a second and then I brought myself around. I apologized, I reconnected and repaired, and I, and I took that also as a sign that, yep, you just did the right thing. And I'm going to go home and do my householder duties and feel grounded by them, feel grateful for them. I don't want to get more help and get more help and pay all the money that I'm earning through my business for more help, more help, more help. I don't want that. I want to do it myself. I want to be queen of my domain, if you like. And I've always said that, like, I want, I don't mind getting a little bit of help and I think we should all do that if we need to. But spiritually, I've always felt like home keeping, home making. is a spiritual practice. And the more I read about the term householder, and I'll definitely be talking more about that and exploring that more. in a meditation class yesterday, the meditation teacher talked about, you know, we are householders, we're spiritual householders, and the meditation practice needs to fit in with us. We don't, we don't have all day to sit in the monastery and chant and meditate. So we have to do these practices. to fit in with our lives, our jobs, our families. And if we're overwhelmed, if we're neurodiverse or if we're neurotypical and we've taken too much on, if we're overwhelmed, how the hell are we going to do that? How are we going to be at peace with our number one people? Because we've gone round and spent the whole day and the whole week pleasing other people. That maybe we do care about, of course. And they are important, but we've got to put our own people first. There is sometimes some stuff in the ancient texts and so on about yoga and about householders. Sometimes I do feel like it jars a little in terms of, there is some stuff in there about being selfless. I think in modern terms, we would actually say it's important to be, not selfish, but to put our self care first and saying no to people, even if we really adore them and canceling something or politely declining something, even though they need help too. You know, things like the PTA and things like that. The best thing to do is putting your own gas mask on first and seeing to your own family first. that is also how you're going to build a spiritual practice. you cannot build a spiritual practice if you are in a state of overwhelm, whether you are neurodiverse or not. And if you are neurodiverse, you're going to need to take some stuff off your list. You are going to need in the process of unmasking. If you've recently been diagnosed or if you were diagnosed years ago, you have to put that extra self care in so that you aren't in a state of overwhelm. And that is gonna look A lot like cancelling things, saying no, being criticised for being on your own all the time, seeming a bit weird, and it's like giving yourself the permission to be fully you, that is your spiritual assignment, that's what God wants you to do, that's what the divine wants you to do, the universe wants you to be as fucking weird as you want to be, because that's the fullest expression of you. I'm gonna leave it there, I really enjoyed processing it out loud with you, and Take care. Leave a comment below. Follow me on at Rachel Brady Yoga and take care. Love you. Bye