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Conscious But Grounded
Conscious but Grounded is a podcast about spirituality: high vibe living in the real world. I ask questions like: how do we connect to the magic, spirit, source, the universe - but with our feet firmly planted on the ground? How do we show up in a conscious way and harness that to make big paradigm-busting change in the day to day of our lives?
Conscious But Grounded
S1 Ep 19: Midlife health issues!
In this episode I talk about my many midlife health issues! Maybe you relate?
Connect to me below - freebies at my website and I hang out all the time at my Insta.
Hey! I'm Rachel! I am a qualified Holistic Life Coach and Mind Body Practitioner, Embodiment Coach, Yoga 500hrs (plus lots more extra yoga quals). I'm also an award winning content creator and have 20 years' experience in digital. I'm a mum of 3 kids and I live in the Peak District - oh and I have ADHD and I am sober. My passion is helping midlife women turn meltdown into magic!
Offerings:
My luxury retreat for midlife women! (free workshop in the pop up too)
Book a coaching taster spot with me half price
Goddess Codes Chakra Masterclass (GODDESS7 to get for £7)
Find me here:
Conscious but Grounded is a podcast about spirituality, high vibe living in the real world. I ask questions like, how do we connect to the magic? The spirit, the source, the universe, but with our feet firmly planted on the ground. How do we show up in a conscious way and harness that to make big, paradigm busting change in the day to day of our lives? I'm Rachel Brady, mum of three, yoga teacher and embodiment coach. This is the place where I'll be reflecting and exploring big, deep questions, all with a pinch of self deprecation, a few proper lols, and a lot of real life. Join me.
Hello and welcome to Conscious Look Grounded. I'm Rachel Brady. I'm a mom of three and I'm a yoga teacher, an embodiment coach, a holistic life coach, and I'm also Reiki trained. And, um, today I want to talk about something really difficult actually. Um, so yesterday I had a really, really bad. Let's just call it really bad. Not really, really bad.'cause I know what really, really bad feels like. And it wasn't quite, that. It was a bad little mini episode of depression. And, um, and I ended up phoning the doctor. And so that to me is like a great act of self-compassion and self-care that I'm really proud of. And as I talked it through with the doctor, I'd made some notes on my phone, like, how do I explain this? You know, it started to make. Sense as I processed it out loud to her. Um, and I just wanted to unpick it. Um, and it helps me, you know, a lot of these episodes do sit on my computer and I do think, I dunno if I wanna post that and I'm not even sharing my podcast very widely, but I do, I think sharing your truth, if one person hears it and relates to it, then it's really worth, uh, making it and sharing it. Um. So, yeah, uh, a little bit of background. What I'm gonna do actually is talk to you like I spoke to the doctor and just like give you a kind of a few minutes of a roundup of what is going on. So I'm 45. I'm obviously perimenopause age. Uh, so that is a factor, obviously. Um, and yeah, like I said, I had a very, I had a episode of depression yesterday. And so to widen out the scope of the information from that point, I don't have those days very often anymore, but I used to have them more often. And also the day before I had the day of depression yesterday, I felt very, very hyper for two days, three days. It wasn't the most hyper I've ever felt, but I felt pretty hyper, so much so that I actually went out. I battled it for a while, but I actually decided to go out and buy. A few beers and, and I, I smoked two cigarettes and I drank three bottles of beer, like small bottles of beer. And that was it. Like it took the edge off. And, and as I spoke this to the doctor, I also thought, right, it's relevant here to tell her about the coffee thing as well. So I get outta bed and at the minute, I honestly feel like a 99-year-old woman. Like, seriously, I have a degenerative disc. I've just found out on my lower left back. And, and, and that saw. You know, that is, that is achy in the morning. It has been for years, but, um, the only thing that can get me going is coffee. And so I have a coffee. I, I didn't have one yesterday because I was really conscious of like, what is going on with my body? Like, what happens if I don't have a coffee? That probably contributed to the depression that I was feeling. Uh, and I had a coffee, uh, this morning though. So every day I get up, I have a coffee. I try to just have one. If I have a second one. I have like one of those very mild like mushroom coffees, you know, it is like barely got any coffee in it. So I'm really, I'm really trying to help myself here in terms of what I'm doing. But absolutely, I treat coffee as a medicine. Like people say to me, just have decaf, and I'm like, what is the point of decaf? Like now I drink coffee for the effect, so I'm medicating myself. To feel energy and then I'm medicating myself when I feel manic to come down. I also want to add though that I haven't felt manic for a really long time. Like that was a bit of a shock to the system. Um, and I have explored in the past, the obvious thing here is bipolar, and I have explored that in the past, but the doctor was like, Hmm, I think you so show some traits of it, but not fully. And that was what was on my record. And she, she pulled that up yesterday and I said, yeah, you know, and she said, I agree with that. She said The manic periods would last longer and the depression periods would last longer, but I'm very much in this kind of rapid cycling type thing. Anyway, the more common story with me is this exhaustion part. Um, I also have a, I think I've mentioned on here before, like I also have a. Um, benign brain tumor, but that sounds so dramatic. It's a pituitary tumor. It's called a prolactinoma, and it's being managed with medication. Now, two doctors have said to me that my symptoms of exhaustion and feeling a bit manic and then a bit all over the place, um, and then a bit depressed and, you know, uh, I'm more likely it's because by the medication I take than the tumor itself. But generally I feel like I metabolize. Or take that medication. I feel like I cope with it in my system. Okay. Um, so I, I painted this picture to the doctor and she kind of goes, what do you want from me today? Which I think was a really good question. And I was like, yeah, I don't, I don't, I was like, well, I, I wondered what you thought about being referred to a psychiatrist. And she said, I'm not sure about that. Anything else? And I said. Yes, I want to have some blood to make sure there's not a physical balance off balance thing here like thyroid or anything like that, or a deficiency in some area, or, I said to her though, although I doubt it because I take that many bullety supplements and I rattle when I walk down the street, like I literally, this is why I find this so frustrating is, okay, so I'm not in the gym every day and I definitely need to get back to that type of exercise where you sweat because that, that really helps me with my endorphins and feeling calm. Oh, well the other thing that I told her about was this rage element that I've got and, and it's like I'm a really good mom and I said to her, look, I, I'm a great mom. And then just out of nowhere it just explodes and it's like really, really awful. It's like the worst thing. And then I can shame spiral from that as well, although to some degree my kids are kind of used to it now and they're used and they know as well that mommy's got issues around hormones and don't take it personally. And I always repair and I always say, look, you did nothing wrong. You're being a completely normal teenager or you're being a completely normal 6-year-old. I'm so sorry like that I snapped at you like that or whatever. So, yeah. And, and so I said, I want the blood, I want bloods done. So we're getting those done. And then the other thing was, um, yeah, I, I think she very astutely picked up on the exhaustion thing. She's like, I think the exhaustion. And I said that that's the, that's the overriding struggle that, you know, the last couple of days. Okay. I've been a bit, I've been a bit. Manic. And then I was a bit down. Oh, and the other thing I asked for was a vape. I said, can I get like a vape on the NHS just for the odd times? And I feel like that because I'm not like my husband bless him in that he, when he smoked, he was like a non-stop smoker. Like when I met him, he never didn't have a rollie on the go. And then, um, when he quit smoking for years, then he'd accidentally started again and he ended up vaping and he found vaping harder to quit than smoke. Okay. And so I don't wanna go down that avenue, but I just, I'm the type of person that like, just has this odd, kind of every now and then, like this sense of a little bit of hypermania and then I just need to like smoke a cigarette to calm down. And so she said, yeah, absolutely. You're a good candidate for that. So she's, she sent me a link and I'm gonna look at it later to try and get like a little vape for, and I feel those, those moments come on. And perhaps I can go in the garden with a zero beer and a, have a couple of puffs on the vape. Is it ideal? Am I, uh. Is it like, you know, is it a spiritual solution? No. Um, but it's like I am very human. Like we all are, and I don't believe in this thing of like, I'm just not the hair, hair. Like I, I meditated today. I am on my way to yoga now. I just fully accept myself in that. I'm a very human person, you know, I don't feel very fit right now. I'm going to yoga, feeling bit self-conscious about the fact that I've got a crop to top on and I've got a lot, I'm carrying quite a bit of weight for my holiday, but like, so what? Right? Like I'm, I, I need to practice what I preach and share my truth and be a, a, a, an average person. That's because that's what I am. And um, yeah, so I said all this and she said, right, we'll organize some bloods. I'm gonna send you a link to get the vape and we, we need to look. Into the reason for this exhaustion. And she said, it sounds to me like, like a kind of chronic fatigue type thing. And I said, I totally agree. I totally agree. Um, I also said to her, um, look, my son was just diagnosed with autism. And that's been running through my mind too. Like I do have some autistic traits and, and the battle off between the autistic traits and the A DHD TRA traits is, is exhausting. And maybe that's the reason. And she said, yep, absolutely. But she didn't really discuss kind of diagnosis for autism or anything like that. Okay. So how does this relate to spirituality? These are all very grounded, very earthly issues. Right? And I almost didn't take the doctor's call. I almost didn't call the doctor in the first place. I, because I'm very much like, I know that I have, I know the spiritual side of this too. Like I know my energy is off, like my energy. Energies are off. Why? I don't know. In human design, I am a projector and projectors are notoriously tired a lot of the time because we don't have access to energy in the same way other human design types do. I also, you know, I'm doing a lot of the right things on the physical realm. Um, thinking about the kosher and the energy body, you know, the physical sheath, the food sheath, I think I am eating the right food. I definitely think. I have a dairy intolerance and I'm ignoring it right now. Um, not, I don't drink gallons of milk by any, sh any, any, you know, shot? No. I, I would eat dairy every now and then, or have some milk in a tea or coffee. That's all. If I'm making a smoothie or anything like that, I would definitely have like nut milk. Um, and I'm trying to think like, am I putting something in my body? Am I doing something here that's putting my energy off? Uh, they do say that projectors should sleep alone, um, which is a little bit impractical for most people. But, but I, I, I, I sleep with my son, like that's not ideal. I would honestly prefer to be sleeping with my husband right now, but like, again, that, that doesn't fix the projector. Sleep alone problem. I definitely recognize, I, I, I sleep much better when I sleep alone. Maybe that's something, um, I feel like my energies are off. I feel like because I grew up. And ignored some stuff. Um, because I grew up in a time where everybody ignored stuff that had happened in our past. Um, I buried things down. I drank and I let, I let all of my, I, you know, the lens of trauma. They weren't big traumas, they were little t traumas. Uh, kind of dictate how I lived and acted and. Now I'm living in a much more conscious way. Where I get my life is based around healing first, everything else. Second, do I always get it right? Absolutely not. I feel like it's gonna take some time for a lot of that stuff to kind of filter out. I also think a lot of this is hormonal. Like I said to the doctor, I feel like I'm just like miss, like I look at my husband in the morning and how he acts and how he bounces back. Even if he's had like a lot to drink the night for on a work store or something. I'm like, God, I wish I was you. You know? It's like I feel like I'm. Lacking the basic hormones that make you have energy, calmness, uh, you know, all the, all the hormones. You know, there's a really good book, dya Taylor Hack Your Hormones. I need to reread that because she talks about that and I feel like in perimenopause I'm probably, because I'm taking HRT I'm a little bit like, oh well that part of me should be sorted. Well, no, actually, I don't think HRT is just the answer to everyone. I think. I think rigor. Risk exercise is the answer for me, and I'm not doing it. I'm very much so going back to that kind of Ayurvedic approach. In Aveda they say there's three types of doshas, right? Three types of people. There's pitter, which is, I'm gonna really break this down into very simple terms. I'm oversimplifying here, but pitter is fire and it's kind of like skinny and bony and wiry and like very fiery personality, quick moving, that type of thing. Vata. He's a bit more middle set, averagely built. Uh, it's the air element, very scattered, imaginative, daydreamer. And then kafa is more heavy built and very much more anchored and struggles with motivation to do things, but a very caring, loving person and heavy, more heavy set. And so I always identified mostly with the Varta type, but actually I'm like more like pitter, Pitta Varta. Um, and in. My old age, let's say I'm not that old in my middle age, I'm, I'm varying towards kaa and that's not my natural ti that's not my natural state. And so I see Dya Taylor, like, you know, she goes out for a daily run and, and like, honestly, this, these things aren't, I mean, she is slim and so on, but I need to do these things. Not so I can get a gym bod, but, so I can freaking function like we live. Orally so that, I'm trying to think about the, the best solution to that gym wise. You know, I could just run, you know, I could just go for runs. But what I'm thinking here is constantly like one part, one part of my mind is like, okay, check your blood, see if there's not a deficiency. And then the other part of my mind is like, what's the spiritual solution here? And the spiritual solution is often around the body though. And so I did something yesterday and let's talk about how I coped with yesterday. So I was. Very tearful. Part of this as well at the minute is around the fact that I have very, very low numbers coming to my yoga. I've gotta give myself a break. Like I'm happy to say that to you. Like one person comes to each of the classes that I'm running at the minute, and I think what I've said to people is, you know what, what I need to do is like really treasure that person and become a great teacher for that person. I'm a baby yoga teacher. I've only started this business in November. Um, I know an awful lot about the full spectrum of yoga, but in terms of teaching yoga experience, I still don't have very much. Um, and I feel impatient. I feel impatient. Like, damn it, if 10 people will come into that class, that would be, I'd be a better teacher. I'd be more inspired. I'd be, you know, well, I like life and my business are working at God's pace, not at mine. And so I need to accept that and not be so in my ego. And what I'm doing is all. Ego based, I'm feeling sad, or I'm feeling like lack of motivation around my business. And then what happens then is I get doubts around my business. And then what happens then is I'm back in the gritty, the thought cycle that's tortured me for years, which is what am I doing with my life? And now as I, as I share this with you, it is crystal clear. I need to walk the yogic path. I need to say I am a yoga teacher. I'm teaching one person, and I. I am gonna do it very well and release attachment to the outcome. Release my ego, uh, release my attachment to meaning like one person can. That means I'm a crap yoga teacher. No, it means that you're just getting started. You live in a rural area, like give yourself a chance, you know? So it's really helping just airing this out. And then also, you know, I'm still recovering from the holiday. I am energetically incredibly sensitive and I think a lot of spiritual being. People are like, if you are a highly sensitive person, often I think, you know, when you're like, I think I'm neurodiverse, but I'm not sure I'm neuro divergent, but I'm not sure. I think a really good step down from that is like, just acknowledge that you're A HSP, a highly sensitive person. So whether I'm autistic or not, whether I may do HD or not, although I've got an A DHD diagnosis, it's like I know I'm a highly sensitive person. I feel the energy in the room. I walk into a restaurant and I, I clock every single person and the dy. I make with the person that they sat with. I'm like, seriously? I said that to my kids on holiday. And they were like, what are you talking about? And also, my daughter thought I was boasting, and I was like, no, I'm not boasting. Like it's a nightmare. It's hard. It's, it's very tiring. Um, and I'm very empathic, empathetic. One of those can't remember which one it is. Empathetic. Um, I would definitely say I'm an empath. Like it always sounds like a bit of a wanky thing to say, like, oh, I'm an empath, but like, I, I. Think I am, like when I'm talking to someone I can really pick on, on their energy. All these things are tiring, right? And like there's a level of which you have to accept and like, why are we so, why do we pathologize the fact that we have to have a rest in the afternoon perhaps that's okay. I mean, of course like I, like I spoke it all out to my husband and he was like, that doesn't sound normal. You do need to go to the doctor. And I definitely think like, go get checked because there could be something off. But also I'm like. If everything comes back normal, which I think it will, I'm also like, you know what? I am a projector. I am designed to work in bursts of creativity and lend rests. That's who I am. That's just how I am and like how lucky am I? I've got a beautiful family. I've got a beautiful home, and yesterday I really tried to get into that headset headspace. I also tried to sit in it, so this is why I didn't have coffee yesterday. I kept thinking, you know what? When you are in a odd mood, in a good mood and you read about depression, you read about pain, you and you know, pain and painful thought processes and things like that. Uh, it always said, just sit in it. Just feel it. Stop trying to avoid it. So I tried to do that and I did do that. And, uh, you know what I did? There was a day, one of a free 14 day, uh, mini course about the yoga sutures and shamanism that popped upon, uh, Facebook, I think it was with Elena Brower, um, who she, I met in her doTERRA team, although I'm not active in that at the minute. Uh, and so I thought, oh wow. This really speaks to me. I'll just, I'm gonna sign up for that. And I watched the first video and it was lovely and it helped me and I meditated later on. But what I did, I got some incense and I created a beautiful space. Oh, before that I also walked the dogs. I put a cap on and I put earphones in just in case I saw anyone. I put on my favorite funny yoga podcast, it's called The Funny Thing about Yoga. It was sunny. I felt better immediately for being outside. Um, yeah, I came home, I lit some incense. I meditated, I pulled some tarot cards, which really, really helped. I pulled some Tar three tarot cards. Cards. I did a three tarot card reading on myself and I asked, uh, do I need like a medical intervention right now? And the card said Rest. I asked, should I press pause on my business right now? And the card that pulled, that I pulled, uh, said it was the Lovers. So it was basically kind of saying, this is a, a relationship where you either commit or you leave. So it was saying basically like you either decide now, just commit entirely to this relationship with your business or just walk away. And so then I asked, uh, is yoga teaching in my future? And it, it was the five of Pentacles, which shows a woman kind of in the, in the car deck I've got a woman was sad and broken on the floor, which was very much how I felt yesterday. And then, and then, and then in the background there was a door with pep. With the Pentacles on it. And the Pentacles represents wealth and success and, uh, and a key on the floor. And it was like saying, you've got the key, you've got the key to the, to the success with this, but you are lying on the floor crying. And it was basically saying you need to heal before you can go ahead and teach yoga. And, you know, as, as you're part of your, you know, and be successful in it. So what I read in those. In the, in those cards combined was, I need to rest right now, but overall I need to commit to my business. Um, and then also that the world is there for your taking and you know, you can unlock the key to that successful future. But first you've got to heal. And so that was really helpful. And then I also got my pendulum, which is like, um, a crystal on a chain. And you, you, you keep it extraordinarily still, and then you focus and you ask the question, but first you ask which way is yes, which way is no. And then often for me, clockwise is yes. And the other way is no. And I asked the questions, I asked loads of questions to it, and it was clear as a day. It just said, it basically said. Um, uh, it basically said that this is a lot to do with my perimenopause. It said that I am, that autism is a factor here and that I am neurodivergent and a few other things I can't remember now. And you know what? I had a nap. I was like, I need to rest. Like, you know what the card said? And I was just like, I woke up. I felt better. I cooked my kids a really, really nice. Tea that they really liked. Creamy mushroom pasta, in case you were wondering. Um, and I just add some chocolate and I do, you know what I watched and I feel like. It is, I, it helps me so much to watch, like cheerful, um, frothy tv. When I feel like this. I thought I need something new to watch that's just cheerful and frothy. And I watched Stacey and Joe, which is like on BBCI player. It's, um, Stacey Solomon and her husband and their five kids. And that, it just resonated a lot. It was very relatable. It was like very, very relatable that we have, we have a kind of similarly crazy life and. But we're also very blessed and it reminded me that all these things are just normal. Uh, the arguing with your husband is normal. You know, having stress and trying to juggle work and family is normal. And yeah, I just wanted to process that out. And just, you know, what kept coming to mind yesterday was like, just have a day. I think I saw an Instagram post where it was like, just have a day when you're having a hard one. Just have a day. It doesn't have to be a. Special day, just have a day and that's it. And just like strike it off and that's it. Um, and then I, you know, I had a, a decent bedtime and I made sure I put my son down a bit earlier. I'm really struggling with him getting, um, in fact, we didn't get him down earlier in the end. He was fussing around until about half 10. I'm really struggling with that. Um, and it just, watching that show though just made me realize how much I do. Just, I really need to focus on my home and my family first, because when that. Flowing. And when that's steady and when we're in a structure, I feel so much happier. Um, and I also shared, I also shared, and that was the other thing I wanted to say, and I've always completely forgotten. Uh, I had, I was feeling very overwhelmed the day before because I had three or four even things the next day to do. I'd put way too much in my diary and to other people, four things in the diary wouldn't sound like a lot, but to me it felt overwhelming. And so what I actually did was give myself some grace and canceled with them. And I told the people that I was canceling with the truth. I didn't lie. Um, and they were all absolutely lovely. And, but of course you have a bit of a shame spiral. Like, oh my God, how am I gonna run a business when I'm this inconsistent on my mental health? But then I was like, you know what, what I owe to these people is to pick up the phone and speak to the doctor and, and, and try and wrestle with this and try and. Um, you know, I have respect for them being so good to me and saying, please don't worry about it. Like, get yourself well, let me know if I can help. Um, yeah, and it can seem odd to people who don't experience it like I do that whole thing of like, how could I be really depressed yesterday? And then, all right, today, that is honestly how I am. Like it's. Mad, right? Like people are like when they're depressed, they have depression for like two weeks or two months or a year. My kind of type of depression and I definitely think I suffer, I would say I do struggle and suffer with depression is very rapid cycling. Um, yeah. So give yourself grace, you know, if you are going through this at the minute, and I'll definitely try and name this podcast episode something around depression so people can find it. Um, depression looks different for all of us. Um, please give yourself grace. Please know that you're not alone. Please know that you are, are worth a lot. You are worthy. Whether you are successful in a business, whether you have all the trappings of what we consider success nowadays, you know, you are innately worthy. Just hang on and, um, I love you. I'm gonna end it there. Um. I hope this episode reaches somebody. Follow me on Instagram, drop me a note at Rachel Brady Yoga. I love hearing from people. The other day I got a message from someone on. Instagram and she said something like, five years ago I watched your video on YouTube about Prolactinoma and now I've got two twins sat with me. Uh, because you shared that video. I went to my doctor and said, have I got a prolactinoma?'cause I can't get pregnant. And they, and they found it. And now I've got two kids here, so that's amazing. Uh, and. And just like, I just feel like if you, if what you make touches one person, then that's fricking powerful I think. Um, okay. I'm gonna leave it there because I'm not far away from my yoga class, so, uh, lots of love. Alright, bye.