Boundaries After Medical Trauma with Jessica Miller l Ep 43

healthy boundaries, medical trauma, invisible disability

A long recovery can change far more than your physical body—it can completely alter how safe you feel in relationships, and suddenly something as simple as saying “no” can feel threatening.

 I’m joined by Jessica Miller of Mind Your Boundaries to get very practical about what it actually looks like to set boundaries after medical trauma—especially when your symptoms are invisible and everyone assumes you’re fine because you “look normal.”

Listen, boundary setting since getting hurt has been a double black diamond treacherous slope, but Jess gets right to it with her simple tools & education.

We talk about why trauma can keep your nervous system stuck in fight-or-flight, how to regulate before hard conversations, and simple tools you can use in real time when you feel yourself spiraling.

We dive into the raw, messy reality: family members who don’t understand your limitations, people pushing back when you finally start saying no, over-explaining yourself, people-pleasing, guilt, resentment, and what happens when protecting your peace costs you certain relationships.

If you’re navigating recovery from medical trauma, brain injury, chronic pain, or any life-altering health event, this episode will give you practical tools, actual scripts, and a reminder that protecting yourself is not selfish—it’s necessary.

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Transcript

Boundary Basics And A Near-Death Reset

SPEAKER_00 0:00

You also have to remember that even if the person struggles with it, they judge it, it's uncomfortable, they also might not respect it. And you also need to realize okay, if they can't respect my request, how am I gonna change my behavior so that I mind my own boundaries? So I protect my peace or I protect my body or whatever it is that you are protecting with that limit.

SPEAKER_01 0:28

Almost dying taught me how to live. Being struck by a car left me in a three and a half week coma with 15 broken bones and 16 surgeries to complete, including brain surgery. However, I woke up from that coma in an even greater place than I ever foresaw for myself. How? The universe will guide you out of the darkness and into the light if you allow it. Often, spirituality comes off as too highbrow. I'm not about that. Welcome to the podcast that talks and teaches about it through the lens of humor. Together, we'll harness positive energy and use it to work with the universe, all while giggling the entire time. Welcome to Gabriella Rebranded Win Most, Lose Some.

SPEAKER_00 1:12

Thank you so much. I'm so glad we're finally connecting. Oh, I'm so happy to be here and honored that you asked me.

Why Trauma Makes Boundaries Feel Unsafe

SPEAKER_01 1:18

Thank you so much. And this is such an important episode that I'm so excited to get into with you. Just for everyone, like you are you have an entire podcast about minding your boundaries. You've been a marriage therapist for 12 plus years. You are an expert in navigating boundaries in between families and close friends, maybe I'm not sure. But um, in between boundaries, preserving boundaries in between human relationships, which is absolutely incredible. And boundaries as they pertain to trauma are a really big thing, and they're also really, really terrifying.

SPEAKER_00 2:00

Yes, they are. Absolutely. It's actually funny. When you first reached out, I automatically thought trauma you meant like from childhood. And then when we talked and you were like, no, more like medical or like a crisis that happens, like it's an acute trauma. And I'm like, that's actually perfect because I also had a car accident. And so I've also had to readjust and tell family boundaries and stuff. So this is actually gonna be like a perfect podcast episode.

SPEAKER_01 2:27

Oh my God. Well, I'm one, I I relate, and but then also like I'm so ha even more happy to talk about this with you. That is, because it's it's very, very, very difficult. And it's you know, it's such a thing to navigate when it's like your physical body is feels like it's disintegrating, you have all this PTSD, and then you're also trying to navigate relationships with your family. It's and they don't quite get it.

SPEAKER_00 2:56

It's so hard. Yes, yes, it's awful, especially because when trauma hits you, your body actually rewires. So it thinks boundaries are actually a physical threat, and that's why it feels so impossible to us. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, it's crazy.

SPEAKER_01 3:15

That's oh my god, your body literally rewires. So it views boundaries as a threat. I mean, in a way, I guess that makes sense because one of the things that I wanted to talk about is with boundaries, whether it's in between the caregiver and the victim or vice versa, it's they are scary for sort of both ends. Like as the person who's on the receiving end of the trauma, you're kind of like, Why are you putting this boundary up against me? Like, I need you to help me in this way, like when they've set the boundary. But as a caregiver, they have every right to set a boundary. Um, it's their own prerogative. And then as trauma victim yourself, when you try to set a boundary, you're one terrified to do so because it's this sort of weird thing that you feel like you're setting. Um, and then in addition to that, it's not really understood because it's a kind of weird thing that you're asking for to other people, or it appears that way.

Calm Fight Or Flight First

SPEAKER_00 4:16

Yeah. Or it's just something totally new because it is from the trauma, or it is from the fact that you are recovering. So yeah, it is can it can be hard to understand. But the biggest thing for me was that I had to get out of the fight or flight. Cause when we feel like we're in a threat, like physical danger, our heart rate increases, our like prefrontal cortex completely goes offline. And then it's just our primal brain saying, get the heck out of here, or avoid danger at all costs. And so for me, a trick before I even communicated my boundaries was to exhale longer than I inhaled. So if you inhale for four, and then you exhale for six, and you just do that a few times, you actually activate your parasympathetic, which then puts you back in charge. Your prefrontal cortex comes back online, you're thinking clearly, you're not in fight or flight, you don't think you're you're not like under threat, and you can actually communicate your boundary a lot better.

SPEAKER_01 5:11

See, that's something that I one that's fascinating, but that's something that I especially struggled with because I had a frontal lobe injury stuck to my brain. So living in fight or flight was something that was a big problem for me for fours and something that I'm still working on a little bit. So then, as far as communicating boundaries, that was sort of like a double whammy. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 5:37

So to speak.

SPEAKER_01 5:38

Yeah. Yeah. Which is it's so it's so interesting. So I think the most interesting thing, especially because you lived it, one of the hardest things is that your boundaries, they're not really, I don't want to say they don't make sense to other people, but they can be brand new. They can be boundaries that you haven't had before. They can be a little bit of like a shock to the other person's system. Like, why do you suddenly need this thing that you didn't need before? What is a way to safely communicate a boundary that the other person you're communicating the boundary to may not understand at all why you're why you have that boundary?

Explaining New Limits To Family

SPEAKER_00 6:18

I think it's being extremely transparent. So, like for me, I would say one of the biggest things for me was my physical capability changed a lot. And I've always been known in my family to outwork the men. Like I'm very strong. Like, as a like for my size and everything, I'm like abnormally strong. I can work really hard. And I grew up with all brothers. And so the biggest change for me was not being able to show up to help our widowed mom in the same way. And then feeling like I'm letting all of my older brothers down and they're looking at me like I'm lazy now. And so I would have to tell them, like, I know I look the same, but if I use anything with my neck muscles, I literally have to be on ice for three days and I can't be a mom. I can't work, like I have such, I'm in such intense pain. So I would have to be transparent as to why I'm shifting my boundaries and have to having to say, I can't actually help with this, but I could make some food, or I can be more of a background character. I just can't lift a shovel this time. So I think in the beginning, when they don't, when you look the same and they don't really understand why you need these accommodations or why you're setting this boundary for the very first time, I think it's good to be more transparent and say it's because of the injury or it's because I'm recovering or something like that. Does that make sense?

SPEAKER_01 7:41

Yes. So your physical fallout, it largely pertained to your neck. Yeah.

unknown 7:47

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 7:47

Well, I'm very, I know the neck and the spine is like the last thing you want to mess with. So I'm I'm very sorry. I I also had a neck injury, but luckily it's healed. And I'm very sorry that yours was the longevity because I know that that is so particularly dangerous and just hurt manage. And you know, I did a whole episode about what not to say to medical trauma survivors, and one of the things we said is I'm sorry, because the only response that I'm sorry is either thank you or it's okay. And it's not something it's it's not I'm not thankful that you have basic human empathy and it's really not okay. It's really not okay. So, what I actually said to you is that fucking sucks. That's a lot to do with that's a lot to deal with, especially as a bomb. Especially as a mom, like I'm lucky in the sense that I was 23 when my accident happened. Like, I don't have I can't imagine having children and then having like I that is an experience that I am very thankful I didn't have to have. And that must have been it must still be really, really hard at times.

SPEAKER_00 9:00

Yeah, it is. It definitely is. It's definitely an identity shift. Like you have to grieve and accept your new identity.

When People Push Back Or Take

SPEAKER_01 9:09

Oh, yeah, there's a whole big identity shift, and which is part of why people don't necessarily understand why you're setting the boundaries that you're setting, because it's like you before this happened, you didn't need those things, you didn't want those things, they didn't, they weren't at all. Right. A harder question is I have been on the receiving end, and I'm sure lots of other medical trauma survivors have been as well, of someone not really being kind towards your boundaries and not having the best reaction to why you're setting them, and not having the best reaction to why you're setting them, and sort of being like rude on the entire end, and maybe not even listening to your boundaries, maybe not even respecting them at all. How what is your advice for navigating that situation where it's like, no, I need this because I'm sure as is the case for me, as is the case with your neck injury, you look fine, but it's like you look fine, and it's like when you can't walk like you're in a wheelchair, you're on crutches, that's obvious. But when it's something like your neck, your brain, you look fine, and it's so hard to be taken seriously that this is an issue that you're having.

SPEAKER_00 10:30

Yeah. Well, I think it's really important for us to remember our why, like why we have to set it. The other one is the thing that really pushed me, because I was always a people pleaser. So even before the car accident, I had a horrible time setting boundaries. I actually really felt like I couldn't set a boundary because the guilt was so intense. So I had to work on like my why. And then also when I learned that resentment, when I wasn't standing up for myself and saying no and protecting myself, even before the trauma, I was resenting the relationship or resenting the person. So that also helps me knowing that when I do set and hold a boundary, I'm protecting the relationship. I'm not hurting them. And the other thing is, is it really filters out the takers in your life. So when you set a limit and people really don't like it because they want to keep getting whatever they're getting from you and they don't want the change. I guess I took that as like, okay, there are going to be some people where the relationships change because I finally can see what the relationship actually is. And even if that relationship dies off a little bit, then that makes room for maybe healthier relationships to come into my life.

SPEAKER_01 11:47

I couldn't like, yes, that's louder than because I was a people pleaser before my accident. I am working on it now. But trauma makes you a little bit more of a people pleaser at first, which is another thing we could talk about. But I definitely, once I started being strong in my boundaries, which took a bit, I also noticed very much the takers in my life. And I did have some relationships either fall away or just they're a lot farther back because I noticed the people that liked how much I was giving, how much I was people pleasing. And when it stopped, there was almost like a little bit of like a shock of contour system where they were like, Well, I don't like this new version of you that isn't, you know, working around everything that I want.

SPEAKER_00 12:34

Right. Exactly. Yeah. And that's really hard because it's very painful because we feel like we're doing something wrong because of our programming with being a people pleaser. And so it literally feels like we're bad for setting the limit. And that takes a long time to reprogram. But like once you realize that there's two types of guilt there's healthy guilt that keeps you being a good person, and then there's conditioned guilt that comes from our childhood where we kind of fawn and we become whatever the person needs, and we put other people's needs ahead of our own. When we realize that's just a conditioned response, like Pavlov's dogs, we can just work on rewiring that.

SPEAKER_01 13:20

But again. But also after a trauma, you can kind of almost feel bad in the sense that you feel like you feel like you need all these accommodations. And you almost feel guilty for how much you are asking people to be there. You feel like you are so much take because you are asking for all these accommodations.

SPEAKER_00 13:44

How do you work through that to ask for healthy boundaries? I think sometimes it gets a little blurry. Like, if I'm asking too much, I think the best thing to do is to go towards your body to like distinguish, because we can get caught in like, am I asking for what I need or am I asking for what I know they'll accept? And really you have to ask yourself, where am I feeling resentment? Where am I feeling overwhelm? Where am I feeling anxiety? And then start there. And if you're protecting resentment, overwhelm, anxiety, um, your mental health, just drainage, whatever, or your recovery, you know that that will be a healthy boundary. So I think even just starting there, knowing yourself that I do know this is a healthy boundary because it's protecting those things. I think that's better. Cause I I used to get trapped in that. Like, well, will they will they even accept this? And it's like, well, it's not really about them, it's about what I need.

Caregivers Need Boundaries Too

SPEAKER_01 14:41

Yeah, that was definitely that's a hard thing to like battle with and go through because it's so it's so difficult. And then also vice versa, on the caregiver end, sometimes, like, as it pertains to the brain, because the brain, this might be a little brain specific, but I think it's for all of types of trauma. Um, sometimes it can definitely be that you're taking it. There was sometimes definitely where with my own mother, my primary caregiver, I was violating her boundaries that were healthy boundaries. And a lot of that was because, you know, the brain's wigging out, but there was definitely a time period, and I know other brain uh injury survivors or caregivers in them have had this battle where I was violating my own mother's boundaries and there were healthy boundaries. Like, I know we went through a period of time where I expected her to answer the phone every time I called her. And if she didn't answer the phone every time I called her, I would like be a little resentful towards her. And I would like have an attitude with her when she is a job, like she actually she has two jobs. She, you know, she has her own friends, she has her own life. And I very much was like sort of like, how can you not answer me when I'm calling? I'm your child, I have a brain injury, like what I need is more important than when you need blah blah blah. Yeah. How on the receiving end do you learn to take and accept people's boundaries that are healthy boundaries, even though you feel your gut feeling at first is like, but I need this and I want this.

SPEAKER_00 16:21

Well, I think too, like what you're describing is almost like a little panic. Like I'm actually in a very vulnerable state right now, and you're my safe person. So if I reach out, I need to know that you're gonna answer me. And so even though it sounded like you were like berating her, when you described it right now, I felt panic. Like that's what I felt. But I think we also have to just remind ourselves that when our caregivers set healthy boundaries, like it is still on them to mind it. It's not on us. So we can respect it. It's a request that they make for us. Like if your mom said, I can't take calls, like between, or I can't answer every call that you make between my work hours, but I'll try my best. And then you still get upset with her, she'll have to say, you know, I'm sorry, I told you I can't answer every call. It's gonna impede on my work and I have to keep my job. I think just talking ourselves down out of that fight or flight, like I'm not in panic. Nothing bad's gonna happen, nothing bad did happen. It's okay that she has this boundary. I think just some self-talk as well helps with that.

SPEAKER_01 17:29

Yeah, because that's definitely I'm better about it now. Me and my mom are great, but that was definitely one that was hard in the beginning because I moved back to LA a little too early. And I was like trying to, I'm originally from New York and my family's in New York. And I moved back to LA to like resume my life a little too early, and I wasn't quite healed enough. And yeah, I think that panic is a perfect way of describing it, which now I'm excited to call my mom after and be like, I was in panic. I'm just living in so much panic, just go trying to like sort of keep myself afloat and go throughout life.

SPEAKER_00 18:10

Yeah, yeah. And I think too, just having a conversation after you had one of those moments, like if you were, if we can become aware of why we're reacting so negatively to their boundaries, like once we come down, and then having um a repair conversation, I think that helps too, just to keep the relationship nice and strong.

Stop Overexplaining And Use Scripts

SPEAKER_01 18:32

That's exactly what I was. We did a whole episode like a few months ago now at this point, about the caregiver specifically. My mom was actually a guest. And I was talking about, we it was great. And I was talking about how sometimes I am going to ask, and like other uh survivors are going to enforce on your or try to violate your boundary and ask for something ridiculous. After the fact, I know that we know that. And you just need to tell us no. And then after the fact, I was like, you need to get comfortable with us being mad at you for a little bit. Because after the fact, once I've calmed down and think rationally, if you say no, then I'm like, I understand this. And like with something I was talking about with my mom, I was like, you need to get comfortable with the fact that I'm gonna be a little mad at you for a little bit, but then afterwards it will all be we'll have a good conversation and it will all be okay.

SPEAKER_00 19:34

Yes, I think that's perfect.

SPEAKER_01 19:36

Yeah, this is a really big one over-explaining and over-justifying why you have your need for your boundaries. This is something that I definitely struggled with. I know a lot of people struggle with it. Just you go to the over-explaining, you go to the over-justifying, you over-defend why you need your boundaries. What is your best recommendation of how to just stay strong and lay the boundary and not fall back into that kind of people-pleasing state of because when you overexplain, when you over-de-defend, when you over-justify, it's almost like you're convincing yourself of why you're setting this boundary.

SPEAKER_00 20:21

Yeah, exactly. Well, I think there's some prep work that helps with that. At least that helped me because I was definitely guilty of that, where I would just go on and on and on. And the more I went on, the more information I gave them to poke holes in my need for this boundary. And then all of a sudden I was like argued out of it. And I'm like, yeah, like I don't really need that. You're right. So I think the less I say, the more that they can't really come at me with reasons why I don't need it. So for me, depending on who it's with, if I know that it's a person that they are just not really good at hearing limits, like maybe they hear my boundary, like it's a personal attack, like I'm rejecting them or I'm abandoning them in some way. Like some people are very sensitive to our limits, and we know those people. I would splash cold water on my face. I would make sure my parasympathetic nervous system that keeps me nice and calm, that really uh releases my oxytocin. So I'm just I'm calm as can be going into it. I have that set first. So I'll splash water on my face. If I have makeup on, I will hold um ice cubes or put cold water on my wrists. I'll do the breath work. So breathing in for four, out for six. I will go into it knowing my why, but I also rehearse. Like I rehearse my scripts a lot so that I know what the limit is. I know how to frame it in a way that it kind of seems like it's gonna benefit the other person if we can work together on it, if they happen to respect my request. And then if they push back, I just go back to I know, I know, I understand how this can feel. And And this is what I need. And I just keep it to that short sentence. And that's all. I don't, I don't go any further.

SPEAKER_01 22:08

What is so brilliant about the, and I'm learning so much, and what's so brilliant about how you're talking about it is you're not just giving like theoretical ideas, you're giving like very factual action steps. And I'm like, oh my God, Gina is an expert. Like, what do you think? We were giving such action steps. You were making it so easy for my listeners and my audience and for me to like know, like, oh, this how we go about, this is exactly it. This is one, two, three, four.

SPEAKER_00 22:40

That's how I like to learn. I don't like, I don't do well in theories. Like when I was in school for therapy, I'm just like, oh my gosh, just give me a like an actual example here.

SPEAKER_01 22:53

Just give me the cold artifacts, the one, two, three, four. I also have to say, I just saw your nails while you were talking, and I love your nails. Oh, thank you so much. I love your nails, they're brilliant. But yeah, it's it's definitely sometimes you just like it's like just tell me what I'm supposed to do. Because when you guess the theoretical, you're like, I feel like I'm supposed to interpret this as to what I'm supposed to do. And your interpretation may not be correct. So it's like, I just just tell me what I need to do.

SPEAKER_00 23:23

Exactly. Especially if we're already struggling with our, you know, like when we have, like when I have chronic pain now, because it like my accident happened, um, like it would be, yeah, 18 years ago. Um, I still have chronic pain. And so I, it's like when you are in pain, your energy is draining out towards that because your body is trying to not be in pain. So we're more tired. So that's also why it's really nice for people just to say, one, two, and three, like this is how you do it. You don't have to think too hard.

SPEAKER_01 23:53

Amazing. Thank you so much. Um, so sometimes when people go through medical trauma or just any kind of trauma, really, it can be hard to sort of explain why you need what you need. Like, it can almost be hard to articulate your boundary. Like you're not entirely sure. You just know that you need this thing, but you don't really know how to say the thing. What are your steps on getting clear about what it is, exactly what it is that you're asking for?

SPEAKER_00 24:26

Yes. This is where I go into my body. So when I'm confused, it's usually because I'm still trying to please people and I maybe I'm not even aware of it. Like I'm like, oh, I don't even know if they would do that or if they'd be willing to do that, or what I even really need here. So I go like really into my body and I'm trying to realize, okay, what's causing me to feel overwhelmed here? Like when I feel anxiety, what's making me feel it? And then I look at, okay, these are the things that are causing me to have more anxiety than I should. These are the boundaries that would help me. And then I start whittling it down from there. So check in with your body first. What's making me feel overwhelmed, really resentful of this person or anxious, and then start like figuring out like what would stop that, what would help that? And that's where your boundary is going to be.

SPEAKER_01 25:17

That's okay. I'm like, see, all this is giving me, like, I'm processing right now because all of this is so like to do, where I'm like, okay, this is a good way to go about it. Where I talking about the protecting the relationship, I think sometimes I've struggled with what other trauma survivors have struggled with, is it it gets all pent up. It gets all pent up, and then one day you explode because you're just like, I don't know how to ask for this. I'm scared to ask for this. And then it's it get it builds up, it builds up, it builds up, and then one day you explode.

SPEAKER_00 25:54

Right. And then that really hurts the relationship. That I swear, that was the only thing like the tipping point for me is when I realized, because I was very um, I could not set a boundary with my mom. I thought after my dad passed away, it was my job to be her person, like kind of take my dad's place. So it was very difficult for me to say no to her. And that is something that really helped me go over the hump, learning that I'm actually ruining our relationship because when I see her name pop up on the phone, I'm like resenting her. And when she's asking to come with me and my family to every family gathering instead of going with any of my four siblings, like I was starting to resent her and it was hurting our relationship. And once I connected those dots, then I was able to push through that discomfort of saying no and setting a limit with her. And I just think that when you first start setting boundaries, if you are a people pleaser or a peacekeeper, start really small and then work up to setting bigger boundaries.

SPEAKER_01 26:59

And that's one of the hardest things when you're going through trauma, is having to remember that everyone, life is traumatizing. So everybody has their own things that they're dealing with. And like your poor mother was dealing with like the loss of her husband, the loss of her person, but simultaneously, you're do dealing with this big medical trauma. You're both dealing with your own traumas. And then also, in addition to that, you're still grappling with the loss of your father. It's not like you came out of that situation with nothing to worry about. So it's so hard to communicate where you're both dealing with your own trauma.

SPEAKER_00 27:37

That's such a good point. I never even thought of that. Like that I was also dealing with the loss of my dad. That's so weird. I never thought of that.

SPEAKER_01 27:43

Well, well, wow, I said something that you're in trouble. Yeah. But it's, you know, then that must have been like kind of like I was talking about the double whammy with my frontal lobe injury. That was a double whammy for you that you're dealing with the you know, the loss of the father and also the loss of your to physically operate as normal.

SPEAKER_00 28:05

Yeah, yeah, it was a lot.

Loneliness After Cutting Off Takers

SPEAKER_01 28:07

Okay, this is a big one. So I alluded to this in a prior episode. I've teased you a little bit coming on here. Um, but I alluded to this in a prior episode about how when you we are talking about the takers, all right. When you first start setting boundaries and cutting off the takers, you might go through a period of loneliness because you'll realize that most of the people in your because you've been living as a people pleaser, a lot of the people in your life that you've attracted are takers. And then you go through a period of loneliness. And you know, we attract people that we're a vibrational match for. So eventually people that fit your boundaries will come in, but that in-between period feels I distinctly remember my period of like spending most of my weekends, like just on my couch because I had eliminated so many takers. What is your advice to say to stay strong in your boundaries and not fall into the, but I miss people, I've lost everyone in my life. So I actually am gonna take away all my boundaries. I'm gonna forget about them because I want to bring these people back. I'm tired of being alone.

SPEAKER_00 29:29

I think it's good to focus on your healthy progress, uh, your healthy progress, which are internal mark markers. So if you're making changes because of just the trauma, and now you're just kind of deciding to clean house and set some boundaries and go on a different path, which is eliminating some of your takers, you have to really focus and meditate in those lonelier periods on things that are working in your favor. Are you less stressed? Are you feeling more content with your life? Do you have more time to do things that make you happy or make you a healthier person? So those are the things that I would try to focus on and put my energy into rather than allow myself to only sit on the couch for hours and ruminate on the loneliness. Cause then you're you're in a very vulnerable spot to slide back to allow them to start taking from you.

SPEAKER_01 30:25

Yeah. And if you follow what feels good, like that's the that's the recipe to finding alignment. Like if you just follow what feels good, like, you know, like for me, it was it was very, it was a lot of various things, but I was brought to so many people by just following what felt good. And it wasn't things that I typically was very involved in, but it because I was such a people pleaser or whatever. But living in what felt good for me now, and just like, oh, I'm not stressed now. It living in that state eventually it takes a bit, but eventually you attract the people that they understand your boundaries because they're as emotionally evolved as you are, and they get it.

SPEAKER_00 31:16

Yes. Yeah, and I think that's such a good distinction is to follow what feels good versus what feels comfortable. Because our body naturally wants to stay in what feels comfortable. So when we change, it's like we have so many things trying to prevent us from changing. Our own biology is saying, don't change. Cause even if you're suffering, I can predict this suffering. I know how to manage this. So our own body and brain is telling us, don't change. And then we have family, friends, they're saying, like, oh my gosh, you're so different. They're judging us. That makes us feel like we're gonna lose our community if we change. So there's a lot of variations. So using your distinct, like distinguisher or like your qualifiers, like if it makes me feel good, I'm gonna stay in this area and I'm going to not try as much as I can try to not fall back into what feels comfortable.

Staying Strong When Others Judge

SPEAKER_01 32:10

Yeah, that's the hardest thing. And it's something that I've talked about before. We have to get comfortable being uncomfortable. Like it's when you start setting boundaries, you are going to go through a period of uncomfortable because what your body knows is not abiding by those boundaries. And it knows hanging out with whoever and preserving those relationships. And you may still have so much love for the people that you have those relationships with, but you also need to protect yourself. Yes, yes, yeah. And when you start standing strong in that boundary, you have a chance of preserving the relationship in a more healthy dynamic. Yes, that's absolutely correct. Okay. One of the hardest things when you start setting these boundaries, however they may be, however, they make they may make sense for you, and they're giving you peace and presence, is they may be kind of judged by others. And there may be people who are sort of like, why are you setting that boundary? That's like a stupid boundary to set. Like, or why are you sort of living this way and not living the way you used to do? Like, this is this is so stupid. Such a stupid thing, but just like to give an example, one of my friends who I love, she's a great friend. This was purely a joke. I'm currently, I'm training for a workout competition and like I'm very focused for my on my health at the current moment. And it's on June 7th. And she one time was completely, she was completely joking. It's a girl, she's incredible. But let's just to use this as an example, we were just like sitting doing nothing, and she just goes, So after June 7th, we're blacking out, right? And I was like, No. And I'm like, no one, I don't do that at all. Like, let's leave that in college. Let's leave that in college. I had a brain injury, but then also it's like there's a little bit of judgment when you start like that's an example. And she she's amazing, she doesn't judge me. But I'm just as an example, there's a little bit of judgment from others. How do you stay strong in your healthy boundaries when they very much may be judged by others?

SPEAKER_00 34:24

Yeah. Well, first you have to know that like two truths can exist, like exist at the same time. Like you can know that you need this boundary, and it can confuse or make other people feel bad, or they can judge it at the same time. Like, so those things can exist in the same space at the same time. I think it's again going back to why you need it. And then it's also just knowing that change is really hard for other people because again, their brain likes to know what to expect and they know that they can expect this from you or this certain type of behavior or whatever they're getting from you. So any kind of change is really hard to grapple with. But then we have the takers, and then we also have the people where they have their identity wrapped around what they do for us. So even if our boundary is maybe even having a boundary with someone that is used to taking care of us a lot because their identity is wrapped up in being a caretaker. You just have to kind of remember that sometimes people are gonna have negative reactions for whatever reason, and that's on them. Like they can handle it, they're adults, and I can still have my need. So both exist at the same time.

SPEAKER_01 35:37

Yeah, that's also something else that I talked about to my mom about on the caregiver episode. I was like, you need, I was like, you need to trust me a little bit more. Like, I like I understand that for a while I was so dependent on you. And you know, as a mom, it makes sense. She saw her her baby in this terrible medical situation. She saw me have to relearn how to walk, talk, and eat. She saw all of that. So it's so hard for her now that I'm almost five years out and I'm, you know, I have this podcast, I'm living by myself, everything's fully functioning for the most part. Everything's fully functioning, and it's like hard to almost like I was telling her, I was like, you need to trust me a little bit more. You need you need, and I understand why there's so much panic and you don't want to trust me. Like, you want to be my caretaker forever, but like you need to trust me a little bit more. You need to let me do these things that I know I can do.

SPEAKER_00 36:35

Yep, yeah, that's very true.

Let People Be Uncomfortable

SPEAKER_01 36:37

Or sometimes I can't do them, but that's all I'm I need to learn that. I need to I need to go and see and learn that for myself. You just can't tell me. Yeah, yep, exactly. The last big thing, just making sure I hit everything that we I wanted to talk about with you, and almost have, but the last big thing that I wanted to talk about is what is your advice for getting comfortable with people having no idea why you're setting that boundary? And it's not like they're not maybe a taker through and through, like they're like, okay, I'll do that, but you can tell they're uncomfortable in that they don't like it. What are your tips and tricks to get comfortable with people being uncomfortable with the boundary that you have set?

SPEAKER_00 37:35

I think for for me personally, knowledge really helps me. So just understand like I love to geek out, so just understanding that any change is really hard for everybody so that they they still can love me and be like, what the heck? Like, I just don't understand. Like, I guess I'll do it. But so change is really hard. And then just continuously reminding myself that it's okay that I have this need now. It's it's okay that if it takes some time. But then also remembering that when we communicate our limit with somebody, we're just asking that they respect it. We're not telling them to change their behavior. Like we always know that a boundary is a personal action will take to mind our line. So your mom saying, I can't answer the phone all the time when I'm at work, even though you feel like it's an emergency and I have to answer all the time, I can't, she minded her boundary by not answering the call every time at work. So you also have to remember that even if the person struggles with it, they judge it, it's uncomfortable, they also might not respect it. And you also need to realize okay, if they can't respect my requests, how am I gonna change my behavior so that I mind my own boundaries? So I protect my peace or I protect my body or whatever it is that you are protecting with that limit.

Closing Thoughts And Where To Find

SPEAKER_01 38:58

Okay, thank you so, so, so much. So if I had to sum up everything that we would learn, all the checked and sex, it would be checking with your body, rehearse your script, calm yourself, get comfortable being uncomfortable, which we've talked about a little bit, and yeah, just protect yourself, just do all the things and know your why, know your why, really remind yourself of your why, and when you over-explain and over-defend, you allow people more of an opportunity to poke holes in why it is you're communicating what you're communicating. Yes, exactly. Well said, I'm like, let me sum it all up. Thank you so much. This was so brilliant. I have been dying to get you on this podcast, and it was really an honor that you came on. Um, this was fun. Thank you so much. And to everyone, mind your boundaries. That's just this podcast. It's absolutely brilliant. It's a whole podcast devoted to boundaries, which I know a lot of people struggle with. So give it a listen. Um, I think I don't think I need to tell people where to find you because I think mind your boundaries is so big. But is there anything you would like to drop?

SPEAKER_00 40:19

Um, you can just find us on Instagram, TikTok, well, all the socials. But if you want deeper knowledge, the podcast is on YouTube.

SPEAKER_01 40:27

The podcast is on YouTube and it's really, really great. And I'm I'm a firm, obviously, I'm a firm believer in watching people's podcasts. Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 40:36

Thank you so much. It was an honor to have you. It was so fun. Thank you very, very much for having me on. Okay, and I'm sorry that my audio sucks everyone today.

SPEAKER_01 40:48

Thank you. And this has been Gabriella Rebranded, win most loose up.