Taking Up Your Space: How Society often Convinces Us to Stay Small

Certain situations often seem to send a clear message about how women should act, talk and be. Many times, this starts quite early in childhood, and tends to be reinforced by a society that continues to define acceptable beauty, actions and words for women. Indeed, social media has added a whole new pressure to appear and act in ways that are continually defined - then reinforced - by "likes" and cruel comments that are dropped quickly and ruthlessly, leaving no effective way to respond and often having no consequence. Further, women's contributions to work environments, especially in science, technology, engineering, and math fields, are overlooked or blatantly diminished. And disturbingly, young women often allow their partners - even in casual encounters - to set the pace and determine the outcome of intimate situations because it can seem easier to "go along" than to set boundaries.

There are ways to recognize our inner unwillingness to allow others to determine our limits and to find the courage to overcome the tendency to stay small to get by. Join Mary as she explores her experiences with both clients and her own life, and how these are key to being empowered to create the change you want for yourself.

Transcript

00:00:39

Hi everyone and welcome to episode 1 of No Shrinking Violets. I'm your host, Mary Rothwell, and I'm so excited to be starting this journey with you. There are so many topics that we're going to be talking about. I have a huge list. It grows every day.

00:00:58

And really, what I would hope that you would take from each week is ways that you can expand into your own life and find the balance that you need. Find fulfillment in areas that may have been a struggle for you.

00:01:15

I've already started talking with guests, and I can't wait to have them on the show because they are women that I really admire and I think are doing amazing things in the world. So I wanted to start today, my first episode, talking about taking up your space.

00:01:36

I don't think that you can live a life of true fulfillment until you can really expand into the life that you want. And I think it is especially difficult for women to believe that they deserve what they want. To stand in what yogis would call mountain pose and take up your space, shoulders back and down. Head up, eyes looking forward and take up that space of your life. First of all, there's a lot of ways to do this. It encompasses a lot of things. It can be setting boundaries. It can mean speaking up, which typically go together. It's very hard to set boundarie without at sometimes speaking up and telling people what those are. It's about prioritizing your own mental, physical, or spiritual wellness.

00:02:33

Taking up your space could mean going out and exploring a whole new career, or taking charge of your current work situation and looking at how you can change it, make it more lucrative and capitalize on your skills. It can mean making more time for something you love, maybe in just your personal life. It can actually be a very scary step of deciding to let the people in your life know more about who you really are.

00:03:03

All of those are part of living an authentic life. 

But before I dive in, there's one thing I do want to mention. If you're in a situation where staying small keeps you safe and stretching past that could be dangerous, please reach out and find help. Tell a friend or a trusted family member. Or if you feel like there's really nobody in your life that you can count on in that way at this time, your local YWCA could be a starting place.

And if it's a crisis, call 988 or go directly to your closest ER.

00:03:40

So as I said with the topic of taking up your space, we really can't create a life of fulfillment and balance without fully owning that. And it can be really scary. So in my work as a therapist, I often would see my female clients - women in college - I would see them in two situations where they would stay small. The first situation was often when I would have women in majors that are typically male dominated. So those would be what are called the STEM majors: science, technology, engineering and math. And I do know that, from an article by May Ibrahim on LinkedIn in 2000, that out of all the females in college, only 12% choose those majors, and they are, many times, the most high earning careers. Only 12% of our college women are in those majors. First of all, that statistic is sobering in itself. So what I would often hear from them is that they would be in a situation in the classroom where they thought they knew the answer or they were sure they knew the answer and they wouldn't speak up because they were worried.

00:05:06

“What if I'm wrong?” Or in the past they may not have been welcome to give that input. The other situation would be that they would speak up and they often would not be acknowledged. And then if a male colleague would say the same thing, they would be acknowledged.

00:05:28

It can be easy to think, “Oh, I don't think it was intentional,” and we can make ourselves believe that for a while until we hit a point where we might recognize, “This is kind of happening a lot.”

00:05:54

And it makes it hard for us to step up and continue to do what have to do to be heard. We have to be a little bit louder. And then that next level of socialization kicks in. Because if women are too loud, we start to assign other terms to them. So it's almost like we are put in this box.

00:06:15

And we may have this aspiration that we want a certain career, but it's hard to make that fit with what we've been told about where we “should be” in life, what guardrails we should keep on our lives.

So that in itself is alarming. And when we look past that at women in those careers, the first issue is actually getting to the stage that we are applying for a job.

00:06:52

Again, from the article by May Ibrahim, she cited that men often apply for a job when they feel that they've met 60% of the qualifications. Women? 100% of the qualifications! I've actually had female friends in this situation: where I've seen a job and I would say, “This is perfect for you!” And they'll be like, “Well, I don't know if I have all the things that they're asking for,” and I'm thinking, “I totally know you do.” But I get it! I understood because I would go over my resume point by point and actually comb through it and make sure I had all the qualifications. Because what we are handed is often a different script – whatever analogy you want to use – than what men are given.

00:07:46

And let me hit the pause button here for a second because I love men. This is not bashing men at all. This socialization process has two different sets of…I'm going to use the word “victims.” It's not the right word, but males and females are both influenced by what we're taught.

00:08:11

I think we then have the responsibility for, as we take up that space, educating people. Like, the way it might have been before is not the way it is now. And just because it was that way doesn't mean it was OK then.

00:08:26

And I think men have the responsibility for being educated themselves. When there is a female professionally at the table, recognize that it might be harder for her to use her voice at a level that some of the men at the table can do just naturally.

00:08:48

Because men have been given more space, and they have the rule book that was really written for them. And I know, as a female in leadership situations, I was often a reluctant leader, but I had the right people kind of pushing me past my comfort zone.

00:09:09

And when I ended up in those positions, I really loved it because it used a lot of my counseling skills. Systems theory systems is often how we look at how a family functions. And when you change one part of that system, you know, if one person in the family starts to make change – take up their space – a lot of times, the rest of the family or the rest of the system doesn’t like it. They want you to stay where you've always been. But I love the idea of systems and organizations because that was really a framework that became easy for me to put on top of an organization.

00:09:50

But I do know that it's been my experience that I would sit at a table, and I would have an idea.

00:09:58

And boy, did I let it roll around in my head. And a lot of times, the moment would pass or somebody else would say what I was thinking. And as I became a little more experienced, maybe I would say it. And there were actually times where nobody responded. It was like my mouth was moving but nothing came out. Maybe I wasn't quite as loud. Maybe I didn't project as much because I felt a little shy.

00:10:30

But later a male colleague would bring up the same point, and it was greeted with a much different response. And I remember in the beginning thinking, “Oh, they must not have heard me” or, “Oh, maybe I didn't say it right.” And I think our instinct as females is often to look at what we did wrong.

00:10:50

So we might go back to our desk and sit there and think, “Well, maybe I didn't say it right or they probably didn't hear me,” or “I don't think it was intentional.” And many times it's not intentional, but sometimes it is.

00:11:05

And I think the other situation that is really surprising and really difficult is when you're in a situation where either you as a female leader or you with a female leader runs up against that wall of the female competition.

00:11:26

Many of you might be nodding your head like you get this. We are set up to be competitors. Often it might be how we're dressed. It might be our haircut. Are we using the right makeup? But when you put it in a professional context it is just “dressed up differently.”

00:11:45

One of my very good friends is a leader that I very much admire. We've talked about the topic of female leadership, and there are actually leadership models that are more male or more female “flavored.”

00:12:04

And typically the model that would be chosen at the end of the day is what we're familiar with: authoritarian. Very black and white, which is typically more of a masculine model.

00:12:19

Female leaders may do more listening, have more empathy. We often are able to read the room. We may pick up on expressions because of our socialization. And part of it is the way we're wired. But part of it is our socialization.

00:12:38

In those situations, we might hear voices that aren't as loud in our group of colleagues, or a group of workers. We might hear that differently. 

00:12:52

We might be able to put some importance on that in a way that someone who was socialized or has a different brain wiring may not. Women often aren’t sure what hat they're supposed to put on, and so many times from what I could see, they defaulted to a style that wasn't really “theirs.” It was a little harsh. If there was something uncertain, or there was a situation where it might have blown back a little on them, it became very punitive.

00:13:27

And I even had a supervisor in the mental health field in a counseling center that was flat out cruel. And so it's really difficult for women to be effective leaders unless they can stand in their space.

00:13:46

Unless they understand who they are and they have the confidence to address it. Sometimes, if they feel some pushback, it's a very difficult thing. And part of that, is socialization of competitiveness between women We see it drawn in a much more contrasting style.

00:14:07

If you look back at middle school, how does bullying happen in middle school? Male bullies are pretty black and white, right? Somebody doesn't like what somebody else did. Often it's a show of force till somebody wins, and a lot of times then they let it go.

00:14:27

Even if they're friends, they often let it go.

00:14:31

Women show dominance in a much different way. .

00:14:34

It's totally a social context, and again, I'm almost seeing some of you nodding like you get this. I think we go into friendships trusting; we share a lot. Women tend and befriend, right? We want to connect to each other.

00:14:55

I just heard the other day, one of the best ways to preserve your brain against dementia and live longer is to hang out with your girlfriends. But when you're feeling your way in your early teens – and now it's probably preteens, because we have social media and all that stuff that goes with it – we can learn hard lessons about trust.

00:15:14

We walk into the cafeteria and that girl that was our best friend the day before won't look at us or moves away from us.

00:15:29

Or any other number of very sly, hurtful things. It's often very covert. But girls see it, they see it very clearly. It's like a minefield. And I'm going to venture to say that the first thought is, “What did I do to make her mad?” 

00:15:49

Our way of looking at the world often starts with our female friendships. 

00:15:54

I believe we can move past that female competition. I think we have the power to flip that script. We need to decide who we are.

00:16:06

And be OK if there are people that don't like that. So let me give you an example. I'm going to rewind again to what we learned growing up. 

00:16:20

I was a tomboy and I didn't know about fashion. When I was a kid, I was outside most of the time. I decided jeans and shorts were way more comfortable for climbing trees. I still have scars on my knees from skinning my knees. I was out in the woods, and I loved to read books. I probably had a great inner fantasy life.

00:16:39

And this was fine in my elementary school. It was a little rural elementary school in my school district. But when all of those little rural elementary schools came together for middle school, it was way different. 

00:16:50

And first of all, my feet were huge. I already had a size 9 shoe when I was in 7th grade. And my parents were older than most other parents. It wasn't their fault. I didn't know about fashion. I was pretty much of a nerd. 

00:17:10

I loved to read. I loved to learn. I loved my classes. I was in band. I loved all the things you're not “supposed” to. I think that might be a little bit different than when I was in 7th and 8th grade. Being smart, even in high school, wasn't cool.

00:17:29

And so I sort of became the class clown.

00:17:33

Because I wanted to divert attention.

00:17:36

You know the saying, “boys don't make passes at girls who wear glasses?” First of all, let's put that in today's context.

00:17:46

Why should boys be making passes at you anyway?

00:17:51

So it was a whole education. I'm like, “What is going on?” 00:17:58

My friends at the time? Well, it seemed effortless for them. They could slide into this world and they were just popular and it didn't change our relationship.

00:18:09

Honestly, I don't remember that cruel bullying from when I was in middle school. It was really my experience working with students where I started to see this happening, but I just knew that I didn't really fit.

00:18:26

It was a script that I wasn't given, and so I think it's important to recognize that there are gifts that people have. And sometimes maybe what society tells us isn't what the real truth is.

00:18:44

So I want to backtrack a little bit to when I talked about what I saw with my college women in our counseling sessions.

00:18:55

The other theme that would come up is disturbing on a whole other level. When they would talk about their intimate relationships, they would say. “We're talking.” If they’re “talking,” that could mean anything from “we are literally hanging out and binge watching Netflix” to having sex.

00:19:14

It could be a casual relationship, or it could have been a relationship that was established.

00:19:22

But they would often say to me that they would be in a situation where they started to make out, and then the man wanted to have sex. And my women clients would say things like “I just went along with it because it was easier,” or they would follow that up with, “I didn't want to seem uptight, so I just went along with it. Because after all, we were halfway there.”

00:19:41

I believe in our essential nature. I think down deep inside of us, we know what's OK with us and what's not. But again, we've been socialized to push that away because we receive so many conflicting messages about sex.

00:20:00

So I don't know that they always recognized that they gave so much power away. I feel like, when we do that repeatedly, especially with our bodies and our emotions, that's like water eroding a rock in the river.

00:20:13

It makes it that much harder the next time to actually say, “You know what? I don't want to do this.” 

00:20:30

And, disturbingly high numbers of them believe that if a man stops doing what he's doing and doesn't follow through with intercourse and orgasm, that it's going to hurt him physically.

00:20:43

So that was part of the education I had to add to our sessions. But I think we're talking about a 360 view of a woman's life – everything from what she's choosing to study and do as a career to the most intimate and personal parts of herself.

00:21:01

There are sometimes imposed guardrails around this. It’s hard to simply say, “This is who I am, and this is what I want” because there are too many things competing.

00:21:19

It’s hard to stand firm and say, “This isn't what I want.” Part of that is coming back to knowing what do you really want? Because I think it can be very confusing to push through all the noise and chaos. 

00:21:39

Especially now, even as grown women, we scroll through social media, and when we get those messages flashing in our brain, it's high speed. Our brains were not meant to do that, so we get image after image. We watch a reel for three seconds and move on to the next reel.

00:21:59

It's very hard to know how to step away from that and look inside ourselves and pay attention to what we really want, what is right for us.

00:22:14

Here's the key: if someone wants to keep you small, it's probably because they recognize your potential and your power.

00:22:27

Every conflict, every time you feel that you've been given “the hand” or given a message, subtle or not, that you need to “get into your lane”... Every conflict like that is an opportunity to punch a wall out and to make the container of your life just a little bit bigger, with a little bit more breathing room.

00:22:46

Here's a news flash. Someone else's behavior isn't your responsibility. Let me tell you what I mean by that. If you've done something to hurt someone, you own it. But remember, they also have responsibility for how they respond.

00:23:07

If you are quote too much for someone – which honestly, I have worried about. I'm going to be honest. There's still days I'm like, “Oh, I think that was too much for that person.”

00:23:19

But I'm starting to internalize that that's their problem. But isn't that often something we worry about deep down, like under our little smiles that we have been taught to smooth situations over? Aren't we often worried about that? Am I too much? Are my emotions too much?

00:23:38

Is my opinion too much?

00:23:40

You get to be whoever you want to be as long as that person who you are doesn't impact someone else's freedom to be the person they want to be.

00:23:49

When you think about taking up your space, if you feel a little bit scared, you're probably on the right track. It's a risk! 

00:24:00

I think sometimes people in my life are sick of me saying, “Life begins at the edge of your comfort zone.” But it does! When we push into areas that are a little bit uncomfortable, we have to grow from that. 

00:24:14

When you stay small and don't claim your opinion, it's very hard for people to judge you. It's very safe to do that. You're a mirror for the accepted way of being. In other words, we all know what people would prefer that we do. I'm talking about people that don't really love us and want what's best for us. 

00:24:34

Talking about maybe your “friends” on social media or anybody out there that disagrees with you.

00:24:40

There are social scripts. If what is reflected back to us in the mirror doesn’t fit that script, we think there's something wrong with us.

00:24:52

When you step out and show who you are, there're going to be people who won't like it. That's about them. It's not about you. If somebody's uncomfortable with who you are, that’s not their business.

Let me give you a little.

00:25:06

Do you like the taste of every food on the planet?

00:25:09

Do you like every smell or every book, or every song or movie? No! So if someone doesn't like your opinion or your behavior, it's like my not loving red wine.

00:25:22

Some of you might be like, “What? How can you not like red wine?” It's simply not my taste. Red wine is great, if that's what you're into. 

So if you fly your freak flag and some people don't like it, they're not your people. They might want you to believe it's about you, but that's their way of putting up your guardrails.

00:25:43

It's your damn road! It's your journey. So in future episodes, we're going to talk more about what I mean by Essential Nature. Being your essential person is really about finding your place, finding your place of authenticity.

00:26:01

So this week, be aware of when you shrink. Sometimes we physically shrink – we make ourselves small physically –but we often mentally or emotionally reduce ourselves. So try to listen to your inner voice. Is it actually a mimic? Maybe it's a voice of someone from your life telling you to stay in your lane.

00:26:25

Maybe it's fear telling you to stay small because again, it's very scary to step out into your space. If you try to be the person other people think you should be, you're going to have no idea which template to follow, because everybody's different. 

00:26:45

People judge you by their own shortcomings or insecurities. 

Now I want you to think about what life would be like if you showed up as your authentic self. How powerful would you feel when the people who don't approve of your behavior fell away, and the people that truly care about your well-being were left standing with you?

00:27:05

What would that feel like?

00:27:08

Thank you for being here with me today for my inaugural episode. If you'd liked what you heard today, please subscribe. Send this to a friend or invite them to tune in each Thursday. You can find me on Facebook at Mary Rothwell, Integrative Wellness and on Instagram at Mary Rothwell under score LPC.

00:27:28

Until we chat again, go be the resilient and vibrant Violet that you are.