Do You Have Hidden Beliefs that Impact Your Thoughts and Feelings? - Part 1

We unpack six classic irrational beliefs from CBT and rational emotive therapy and show how they fuel anxiety, perfectionism, anger, and people-pleasing. We also share practical ways to test the evidence, make a plan, and stop giving everyday setbacks the power to ruin your day. 

• beliefs as the foundation for thoughts, feelings, and actions 
• why the word irrational can feel judgmental, especially toward women 
• needing everyone’s approval as a trap that creates paralysis 
• tying self-worth to constant competence and achievement 
• labeling people as villains and wasting energy on punishment fantasies 
• awfulizing when plans go wrong and choosing problem solving instead 
• giving external events control over your mood and reclaiming your power 
• worrying about danger as rumination that steals the present moment 
• using planning, mindfulness, grounding, and evidence testing to cope 

If you want to be one of the first people to be able to get your hands on my book, you need to be on my launch team. You simply go to maryrothwell.net/natureknows, and it's a quick sign up, just your first name and your email. 

Transcript

Mini Two-Part Series Setup

Mary 0:00

Hi, and welcome to a mini episode of No Shrinking Violets. So I'm going to do a two-parter on my mini. I'm going to do a half this week, and I'm going to finish up with the topic next week. And I'm going to talk about irrational beliefs. And this is a really core part of cognitive behavioral therapy. It's the idea that we all function based on a set of beliefs. And those beliefs give rise to our thoughts. And then our thinking is determining how we act. Now, there's different theories that say that thoughts and actions occur in the opposite order. But we're going to go off of the premise that our rational beliefs or the beliefs that we have that underpin our thoughts then give rise to action or feelings. For instance, a feeling of anxiety or a feeling of worry. So first I want to say that the term irrational, I've always been a little conflicted about using that because I think a lot of times it's a word that is used to demean or judge women when they're expressing or displaying emotion. I feel like sometimes people are like, don't be so irrational. And so when I say irrational, it's really that is the term that is used in cognitive behavioral therapy. So I'm going to talk about 12 irrational ideas because we're sort of using broad strokes here. And if you start to ponder this for yourself, these are the ideas that probably have given rise to your own irrational beliefs. And we all have them. They come from a lot of different spaces or places or people in our lives, but we all have some set of beliefs that aren't accurate, that if we really test the evidence, we find that they're not rational. They're not based in fact. So the first is the idea that it is a necessity for an adult human to be loved or to be approved by pretty much every significant other person in their social community, in their family, whatever you want to, um, whatever you want to look at, whatever part of life you're looking at. But it's really the idea that everybody has to like us and everybody has to approve of what we do. And I think that we all know this is irrational on some level, but so many people are paralyzed by the idea that what they've done or said meets with disapproval. So of course we want people to approve. We of course we want people to believe in or support what we do, but it is impossible. And if you've looked at social media at all and you've seen comments of celebrities or even just someone that you know that posted something, one person can have an opinion that is diametrically opposed to someone else. So by pursuing this, we really are going to end up being unhappy or being frustrated because you cannot possibly make everyone happy. Okay, so the second idea is that you should always be totally competent. You should always achieve everything that you want in all respects in every area of life. You should be a great parent, you should be a great friend, a great spouse, a great worker. And you should be able to achieve that level in order to be worth something, to be worthy. So we base our worth often on our achievements. But failing or having a you know a setback or making a mistake, it's going to happen. It happens to everyone. It's really the only way that we can grow and learn. We need to have that ability to see where we went wrong in in order to grow. So being aware that a disappointment doesn't mean that you're worthless. And it does not negate all the other things that you've accomplished. I mean, we often focus on the anomaly, we focus on the negative comment. We could have someone compliment us all week on something. And if there's one comment that is not positive, that is what we latch on to. So just know that no one is 100% competent, no one achieves every single thing and never has a setback. Okay, the third idea. The idea that certain people are bad or wicked or they're villains, and that they should be severely blamed and severely punished for being this way. So it's often difficult to define what is bad or wicked. It really varies from one person to the next. And it's interesting because we live in times now where things are splashed across our social media feed or headlines, depending which news agency you're following, it could be a different headline for the same event. So while there are people that we might think are bad or evil, and we think that punishment should change their behavior, really, we don't have control over that. It's not something where we see somebody acting or doing a certain acting a certain way, doing a certain thing, and we so want them to be punished. And I will distill it down into something really simple. I go nuts when there is someone that drives as if they're the only person on the road. And so this happens a lot when they're in the passing lane and they're holding up a line of traffic. And I know it is irrational to be upset because I can't send thought waves to them and make them change their behavior. But I think we often want so badly for somebody to see the error of their ways and change, and it's just wasted energy. So people aren't always malicious or trying to tick you off. I think holding this belief that people are just bad or evil and they should be punished, that's just an exercise in futility. So try to let that go. Okay, idea number four it is terrible when things don't work out the way we want them to. This is called awfulizing. And it's, oh, it's awful because this didn't go the way I wanted it to go. But again, it's sort of like what I talked about in the second idea that things are gonna go awry. There will be things that don't work out, and that is unfortunate, but it's not a catastrophe. So, give you a quick example from my own life. If you've been listening for a while, you know that my husband and I are moving. Actually, um, we'll be moving in five days, but they're gonna start to pack our house in three days. But um, anyway, so I was over there last week, and we needed to have a washer and dryer delivered. And it's an old house, and they couldn't get them down the steps. And I had prepared for this, I thought there's going to be something that goes wrong. Well, it wasn't, it didn't go as I wanted it to go, but instead of fuming and focusing on the fact that there was an issue, we did some problem solving. And there is a solution. It's not as streamlined as I wish it would be, but there's a solution. So I think if we can step aside from focusing on how bad things are turning out, and it's catastrophic, and just sort of going with the flow, realizing that we're going to have some misfortune, but it doesn't mean that it's the end of the world. Okay, idea number five. And this is one that we have so much control over, but it really takes sort of flipping the way you're thinking about it. So, number five is the idea that our happiness is determined by what happens outside of us, and that we have really no ability to control sorrow or disturbance. Now, we really don't always have control because we're surrounded by other people, right? So other people do things. They may cause a car accident, or they may vote a certain way that ends up creating by their vote, along with a lot of other people, you know, one small ripple, and it might create a government that we wish was not in power. Or it might just be that somebody walked through your flowers and smooshed them. So there, this idea that when things happen, it undermines our happiness. Happiness is internally determined. And they're based on, and this is kind of what I started with, they're based on what we think. Our thoughts lead to our feelings. So if we look at our trampled daisies in our in our front garden and we think, oh my gosh, I can't believe that person was so careless. They they let their dog run through my garden. And we start to feel angry, we start to feel upset. Yes, I'm a gardener. I would be upset by smooshed flowers. But I think to again let that determine what kind of day you're going to have is giving away your power. So how we feel is based on what we choose to think about. So if we can think in a different way, that okay, how am I going to solve this? Or okay, it's just smashed flowers, it's not the end of the world. Um, you know, thinking about what else is happening, like looking for, okay, everything else today is great. The sun is out, the birds are singing, or you're looking forward to something later in the day. This just happened to be something that bummed you out. So try not to allow an external event to have so much sway over how you're feeling. It's one thing. And whether you choose to think about it or allow it to be a huge thing, that really is up to you. Okay, and finally, the last one for this episode: the idea that if something is maybe dangerous or something you're afraid of, you have to be really worried about it and you have to keep worrying about it happening. So this is really hard. And this happens to me in the middle of the night. I will wake up and start to ruminate about things that might be happening, things that could happen. What if we don't get everything packed in time? Or what if there's something that goes wrong at our new house? Or what if the cats don't adjust? That's a big worry for me. But I can't do anything about it. It's either going to happen or it's going to not happen. So when we worry about what might happen, and you've probably seen this meme or seen some type of quote, we are losing the only thing we have, and that is the present moment. So constantly fearing something dangerous is going to happen, all it does is give us anxiety. It's really wasted energy, especially if it never happens, and it's not helpful in the event that it does. Okay, so let me say that again. Anxiety now is not helpful, even if that thing comes true. What is helpful is to have a plan. So if there's truly something you're worried about and it's something within the realm of possibility that could happen, make a plan. And if it's not something you can plan for, then do your best to use mindfulness, use grounding, take a walk, um, read a book, use distraction, um, which isn't a forever solution, but trying to put it in perspective, test the evidence. What are the possibilities that this could actually happen? And if it did happen, then what? So those are the six irrational ideas. And that comes from Albert Ellis. Um, I don't know that he's alive anymore, but he came up with rational emotive therapy. And um, if you've ever seen a video of him, he was not always kind to his patients, but they really loved him. Many of them really loved him because he really cut to the chase. So, anyway, those are the six ideas. I'm gonna go over six more irrational ideas in the next mini on next Monday. Thanks for listening. That's just what has been on my mind lately. And oh, exciting! So this week I'm going to be getting the proof copy of my book, Nature Knows, Grow and Thrive Through the Wisdom of Plants. I'm so excited to actually have the physical book in my hand. So if it's all good, then I actually send it to print and I'm going to do a six-week pre-launch, which means you can get the book for cost, no profit for me, because I want people to get it, I want them to read it, and I want them to leave me reviews on Amazon. So if you want to be one of the first people to be able to get your hands on my book, you need to be on my launch team. I cannot put things out there to the general public during pre-launch. So I have a link in the show notes, but you simply go to maryrothwell.net forward slash nature knows, and it's a quick sign up, just your first name and your email. I do not spam you, but you will get the link when the book is ready in pre launch before it's available to the general public. And I would love for you to read it. Give me a review, let me know what you think. Thank you for listening. And until next time, go out into the world and be the amazing, resilient, vibrant violet that you are.