Do You Have Hidden Beliefs that Impact Your Thoughts and Feelings? - Part 2

We finish our series on Albert Ellis’s irrational ideas and the hidden beliefs they create in daily life. We focus on avoidance, dependence, the grip of the past, people-pleasing, perfectionism, and emotional regulation so you can spot what’s driving your reactions and choose a healthier response. 
• why avoiding discomfort makes problems bigger and burns mental energy 
• how the belief that someone will rescue you keeps you stuck and anxious 
• separating past setbacks from your future identity and choices 
• letting other adults own their feelings while you hold your boundaries 
• dropping the myth of one perfect solution and taking imperfect action 
• building emotional regulation by finding the belief under the feeling 

If you want to be on my launch team and have the ability to get my book early before anyone else, you can sign up at the link in the show notes. It’s maryrothwell.net/natureknows. 

Transcript

Welcome And Quick Context

Mary 0:00

Hi, and welcome to a mini episode of No Shrinking Violets. So, this is actually part two of talking about irrational beliefs or really irrational ideas from which irrational beliefs arise. So, I would suggest if you didn't listen last Monday, go back and listen to that first. But let me try to make this accessible to even those people who haven't listened to the first section of this. So, Albert Ellis was a psychologist, and I looked this up since last week. He actually died almost 20 years ago, but he came up with the foundation of rational emotive behavioral therapy, which is like cognitive therapy. They have a lot of similarities. And he was a little irascible, but he was actually very astute. He had a great sense of humor. And invariably his patients and clients ended up really liking him because he cut to the chase. And I think you'll understand more as I talk about the irrational ideas. And we're going to talk about 12 of them. I gave you six last week. So an irrational idea is the basis for an irrational belief. And we all have irrational beliefs, just as a quick review, if you did listen last week. And our irrational beliefs give rise to really the ideas that we have about ourselves, our thoughts, they give rise to how we feel and how we act. And the word irrational is just part of cognitive behavioral therapy. I don't love the word irrational, but instead of maybe feeling some judgment with the word irrational, it just really means a belief that isn't based in factual information. And we function from this all the time. I do, you do, your neighbor does, your spouse, your partner, your kids if they're old enough. We all get ideas about the world and who we are in it from our experiences. So in this episode, I'm going to talk about the final six. And these are really my favorites. So we're on actually number seven. So number seven is the idea that it's easier to avoid than to face difficulties or to face your responsibilities. And this is one of the things that gets us into so much trouble in life. When something's uncomfortable, we don't deal with it. And it might be a tax deadline, it might be addressing a conflict, it might be something as simple as starting to make changes to your diet, one tiny little change, not overhauling everything, but just moving in the direction of change. Change is uncomfortable for sure. But when we are convinced that it's easier to avoid it, then we're actually compounding our problem. So, again, you know, I often give you examples from my life. So, in a different lifetime, when I was in a supervisory position, I had one employee who everyone knew was kind of a problem. They were obstinate, they were actually very good at their job, but on certain things, they would get stuck, a stick in the mud. They, they, they didn't like change. And so they created kind of like a huge block in the workflow. And it hadn't been addressed. So I could have kept thinking, oh, this is going to get better. If I talk in generalities and staff meetings, this is going to get better. But I knew that that wasn't true. And so I had to address it head on. And it was very uncomfortable. But when we let things go, like if we see someone that we care about struggling or they say something that we kind of raise our eyebrow, like, what? Like, what was where did that come from? Or we have our kids starts to have a behavior that we don't like. It's sometimes, well, I will say almost all the time in the short term, it's easier just to pretend it didn't happen and hope it doesn't happen again. But nearly 100% of the time, it's going to continue and then it gets harder to address. And even when I was, I would, my first degree is in teaching. And one of the things that we were told over and over again is establish the rules firmly at the beginning of the year because it's easier to loosen up than to tighten up when you have things like rules. So avoiding a responsibility or trying to just avoid a difficulty, it just delays the inevitable. So the best thing is to just address it because you also are going to be stewing about it. So you're wasting mental energy. So that irrational idea that if we just avoid something, it's going to go away. Okay, number eight. Number eight is the idea that we should be able to depend on somebody else, and there's going to be someone that's going to rescue us. Now, I'm going to tell you my makeup, my my literal genetic makeup and my experiences from childhood, this is not one of my irrational beliefs. But this is what a lot of people function from that someone else is going to come and save, save me. And so I think there's a balance here because going through life trying to be an island and not needing anybody, that isn't sustainable either. Knowing who you can count on is important. But we can't rely 100% on somebody else because that person may not be there. So again, I'll give you an example from my life as a therapist. When I would have clients that were really struggling and at times had suicidal thoughts, when they told me the thing that was one of their supports was another person. Like if they would, it wasn't uncommon for somebody to say, when I'm really in a dark place, I call so and so. And I would literally get chills because it worried me so much. Because what if that person doesn't pick up? Or what if that person isn't able to say or do the thing that you need? So being able to keep our own equilibrium or learn to do the things that you need to do to take care of yourself. And I think that's part of what we should be teaching our kids to do, also. We don't do for them, we teach them how to do for themselves. So independence is really crucial. So what happens then is when we have independence and we have a sense of agency, then we are able to ask for help when we need to because we know it doesn't make us weak. But when you rely on somebody else to always bail you out or to be your emotional balance, then that is going to keep you stuck in a situation where it's very hard for you to build independence. Okay, number nine, this is this is actually one of my favorites. So I love this one because this is another idea that I see people get very stuck on. The idea that your past history determines what can happen for you. So when we had maybe a a something that we really failed at, and when I use the word failed, I'm not saying that's a final thing. You failed, you're done. A stumble. It something didn't work out. When there's something that we did or said, um, and you can probably think of examples from the celebrity world where, you know, we are in a cancel culture now, times when somebody did something and we want to use that to define who they are and what they're capable of going forward. Now, I'm not talking about sexual abuse, I'm not talking about crimes or things that are perpetrated on several people over time. I'm talking about if you were somebody that you tried a career and it didn't work, or you are divorced, or you have a child that's really struggling, and you aren't able to establish a good, close, supportive relationship with that child, get all the help you need, but it doesn't mean that you can't change that going forward. If your child is amenable, um, getting divorced doesn't mean you're never going to find another partner. It might mean that you need to look at yourself and figure out what I have done in this relationship that maybe I want to do differently. But we are not defined by who we were. And I'm a very different person now than I was in high school. And I at one point could have let some of those things hold me back, or could think, you know, when I run into people that I knew then, like, what are they still seeing me as that person? And some of the things about that past person were cringy. And I think we can maybe all say that. We can all think of a moment where we're like, oh, I would love to undo that, or I would love to erase that from everyone's memory. But that is sort of the whole point that there's something that's happened to everyone. And so allowing yourself to redefine who you are is really important. So of course, the past is a factor in your present behavior, but it doesn't mean it's your only future. You can learn new things and you can integrate them into your present behavior, your present person. Okay, number 10. This is something, again, that I find with my female clients a lot, that we want to take responsibility for how things are going in someone else's life. So the irrational idea is that we should be very upset when someone else has a problem or when someone else isn't okay. Someone else's well-being, unless it is a child and we need to take action to keep them safe or well, it is not our responsibility to make sure someone else is okay. And I would also say, even as you have a child learning to deal with difficult things, they still need to learn that. So when you intervene, you need to do it judiciously. If they're being harmed or bullied, absolutely. Still teach them to advocate for themselves. But when you see someone struggling, it could be a friend, it could be a child. Be aware of how much you step in because you are then taking on something that not only isn't yours to carry, but you are hobbling that other person. You're preventing them from gaining the strength to be able to take care of their own life. And I've seen this happen where we frantically try to make sure everybody feels okay. Or we make the meal that somebody else wants, or we're tired after work and we just would love to sit and put our feet up, but we feel like, okay, I have to run to the grocery store, I have to make this certain meal, or somebody else isn't okay. So I need to put aside the troubles that I'm having. So we should certainly be concerned about those around us, but we don't want to become involved in their problems to the point that we are moving out of our own um our own area and kind of going into theirs. We can offer assistance, but we need to be aware of being mentally consumed by this. And if this is one that you get really stuck on, I do have a past episode very close to the beginning of season one where I talk about responsible versus response able. So we're not responsible for other people, but we are able to have a response in the situation. Okay, number 11. The idea that there is one perfect solution to problems, and that if this solution isn't found, it's going to be catastrophic. I see this happen now that I'm in the world of um kind of entrepreneurship. I see this happen with other people, especially women, who they want to start something or they want to do something. They have this great idea and they want to make sure it is totally perfect before they do it. It's not ever going to be perfect. And you're not going to actually find out what you need to improve until you just do it. So just do the thing, let it be imperfect. There is not one perfect solution. In fact, in many situations, there are many solutions, but I think that we scramble and we make ourselves crazy thinking, well, there has to be the one thing. I have to figure out the one thing, but there is no one perfect solution. So if you aren't finding it, you're wasting mental energy. So be aware that there could be various solutions to a problem. And just taking a step before you're even sure is really how a large majority of people find success. And as I've said before, you really can't find success or hone something to its best thing until there are some failures. You have to figure out the weaknesses before you can build the strengths. Okay, and number 12, the idea that we have no control over our emotions. You're a victim to your emotions. Being able to regulate emotion, emotional regulation, is part of being a very high-functioning human. Now, this isn't to say that sometimes things don't happen and you feel a very strong emotion, feel anger, or you feel grief, or you feel sadness. Absolutely, we feel strong emotions. But we can do things to manage that emotion. Building emotional regulation sometimes means scheduling time to be sad. And I know that seems crazy, but if you have something that needs to get done, you can say, okay, it's six o'clock tonight. I'm just gonna sit down, I'm gonna turn the lights out, maybe I'll light a candle, and I'm just gonna think about this and I'm just gonna allow myself to process and I'm gonna allow myself to feel the things. So I think sometimes now that it's emotions for women, there are some that are more difficult. We've talked before on this show about anger being something where women feel like we shouldn't express anger because it's we've been socialized to think it's not something women should express. But when we have tantrums or when we um, and it goes back to the other things that we talked about with irrational ideas, our emotions can be separate from what's happening around us. So being able to have that ability to regulate our emotions, um, and some of that does come from, and to sort of bring this full circle, it does come from looking for what is the irrational belief. So to give you an example, or maybe I can come up with a couple examples. So one might be when we are treated unfairly, we may feel like I have the right to scream at this person. And we're seeing so much of this now. We're seeing, you know, this behavior. And I'm really feel bad for anybody that's named Karen, because you know what I mean, probably when I say acting like a Karen. So my apologies to all the Karen's out there. But when we act this way with this sense of entitlement, that because I didn't get something I wanted, I get to act however I want. And that starts with the irrational belief that everything is supposed to go the way I want. Everyone should know what's best for me. I shouldn't have any difficulties. You see how these irrational beliefs start to create outcomes that actually impact us in negative ways. And if we can take some time to reflect on the strong emotion, we may realize that, okay, this is based on the idea that everything's supposed to go smoothly, or they shouldn't ever run out of my favorite coffee drink. Or, you know, sometimes little things happen and we feel so aggravated and we feel so angry, and sometimes we will say or do things that later we are really disappointed in ourselves that we've done. So we can regulate our emotions. And again, I'm not talking about, you know, a grief experience or loss or something like that. That isn't a reason that we can act however we want to everyone, but we do need to respect our emotions and we do need to process them. Okay, so that is the 12 different irrational ideas. And again, if you haven't listened to the first six, you can go back to last Monday's mini and listen to them. But if some of them resonated with you, try to figure out what are the beliefs that I have that are based on that irrational idea. So, for instance, when I talked about not being responsible for others' feelings, for you that might be I have to make sure everyone else is okay, or I'm not being a good mom, or I'm not being a good friend, or I'm not being a good woman. You know, a lot of times that's built into our socialization. That's just one example. So if there were some when I'm talking that you felt that inner, like, oh, that sounds like me. As you go through your day and you recognize you're having these emotional responses, take a minute and be curious, like what it, what irrational belief is is fueling this? Because almost always there is something underneath that has no basis in fact, but we function as if it were true. Those are my thoughts for the week. Real quick, I am going to be doing a pre-launch on my book, Nature Knows, Grow and Thrive Through the Wisdom of Plants. It is filled with a little bit about my life, it's filled with client stories, but it's really about the beautiful ways that plants allow us to just be the exact person we are and how to set boundaries and how to rest and do all the good things. But anyway, so pre-launch is when you can buy the book for cost before it is officially available to the whole world. And I can't put it out there, but I can send my launch team the code to get the book at cost so you can read it and you can leave reviews, which then helps that book get off to a great start when it is finally launched to the public. If you want to be on that launch team and have the ability to get my book early before anyone else, you can sign up at the link in the show notes. It's maryrothwell.net forward slash nature knows. And until next time, go out into the world and be the amazing, resilient, vibrant violet that you are.