The Ballad of Truckstop Billy

Dave and Travis are back in the Answerdome with guests Kyle Helf and Riley Walund to solve life's biggest problems and create several new ones.

This week they answer questions about sending money to your ex after a breakup, dealing with an overly concerned neighbor, relationship troubles before marriage, graduating later in life, and whether "Truck Stop Billy" is actually a prostitute or just carrying on a proud family tradition.

Plus: beatboxing, Christian rock, hotel breakfast disasters, unemployment advice, weird weddings, and why Dave may never forgive the Best Western in Bakersfield.

Questions answered in this episode:
• Should I send money to my ex after we broke up?
• Is my neighbor crossing a line by checking on me every night?
• Is Truck Stop Billy actually a prostitute?
• I'm graduating at 39. What should I do next?
• My fiancé and I are growing apart. Can we save the relationship?
• What color should Dave bleach his butthole?

New episodes every week. Send your questions to askdavecomedy@gmail.com and you might end up in the Answerdome.

Want some advice? email AskDaveComedy@gmail.com

Follow Us @DavidIsComedy on Youtube and Instagram and join the broadcast channel!

Transcript

my friend we call truckstop.

Billy doesn't understand. He got his name because he sleeps with men for money at the truck stop.

think the Queen to Bakersfield will sue us for what I just said? I hope so.

You mean for it? Welcome back to another episode of as. Dang.

We're here to answer your questions. Dave is here. Wait. Should we wear these things? The cans. No no no no. We don't have enough for everybody. And I, I'm the only one that actually needs to hear it. Yeah. Okay. Six. Exactly. Yeah. I just I was helping my esthetic. I kind of I'm only doing this for the five second vertical clip of me wearing headphones, talking.

Oh. Oh, you could put them on. Okay. Sick. Put those cans on, Kyle. This this is gonna scratch the audio of you touch like the the cord on it. Oh, my gosh. This. No. That's fine. No. All right, so let's let's go.

X Dave is the only podcast on here. Dave.

Asked Dave.

Asked did I ask Dave?

Asked if.

Ask Dave.

As did.

As Dave.

As

fucking Dave now. Today we have our guest, Kyle health. What's good and Riley, what's your last name? Wallen and Riley Wallen. That's right. You also have our my co-host Travis Harrington here as well. What's up in the answer, Joe? Yo, yo yo, don't answer. I don't care for Google.

Answer. Don't. What are your questions? We're gonna answer them in the dome. Like Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone. I'm in the zone setting up traps for the bad guys, and I'm going to be here slapping my thighs when things are funny. My nose is getting runny. I really don't want a pet, but I take a bunny. Hopefully we're funny.

Hopefully.

Wow, what an intro. I don't know what just happened. Me too. Yeah, we have so much it's gonna be. What up with that? Rules where we like. It's a few seconds of talking and then it's just back to us all. I'm not familiar with that, but I take your word. I'm not familiar.

We don't understand what you're talking about.

We've never heard what you're talking about. We're not familiar.

We're not familiar. Woo!

No no no,

we're we're not we're not on public access, remember? No we are. We're on private access. We're on a this is supposed to be a dialog. All entertainment is now public access media. Yeah, yeah. Kind of basically true public access like now is now everybody. Everybody. Because you're accessing the means to create. Right. Or is it that you're accessing it it period.

The platform, the plot, you're Tucker Carlson getting kicked off TV before and then being like, I'm going to make a public access, I'm going to go and I'm going to cheer on the Iraq War the whole time, and then I'm going to act like an anti-war all of a sudden. Fuck you, Tucker. You fucking caused a lot of death in Iraq, and I don't forgive you.

Yeah. Even though you're anti-war, all of a sudden, you're fucking

not. You think it's cool? It's not hot to be a neocon hyping up the Iraq war. I don't want to hear any more of Tucker Carlson.

Okay. Yeah. Let's start. It started off. This is I did a whole intro. I guess people can change. People can change. Like, really important. Like, this is what I've been up to. This. Yeah. This is what I'm on vacation, so I'm visiting from Seattle. Represent Seattle? Oh, no. An albatross in the hills. And try you and I'll fall asleep in hospital parking lots.

Stay awake on dry land. Hello, Seattle. I am a mountaineer. Hands up in the hills and drylands of. I don't know, I don't like that song that much. I like. What's his name again? Firefly guy. Firefly guy? Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Did they call Seattle the Owl City? No. Absolutely not. People don't really fuck with that shit. He actually had never been to Seattle when he wrote that.

Remember when everybody used to be like, you know, Seattle Starbucks, right? Well, I mean, yeah, they they're a big deal in the city. They brought they bought the Seattle SuperSonics and sold them to Oklahoma. And Oklahoma can suck my space needle. Fuck you guys for sealing the Sonics. That's the basketball team. My childhood. And they did it for money.

Yeah, they lost because.

Fuck you. Oklahoma! What's his

name? His name's not Henry Winkler. I'm going to use a sprinkler. But the guy, what's his name? The guy, the CEO. I don't know what. The game. What is it? Yeah. Henry Winkler is the funds. He's also been arrested Development, which I watch all the time. And I hope my words rhyme.

It was a crime when they sold the Sonics to Oklahoma. It can suck my fucking space needle.

Flows swiftly. Or the suck my space needle. Yeah, yeah,

yeah. One thing we like to do on this show is ax. Our guests. They're, like, best suited to advise on. Sure. Box. And clearly we fox and clearly. Do you have any advice on like, aspiring beat boxers? Yeah. Just do it anywhere you can. All the time, unsolicited. And that's.

That's why I call it fun. Solicited. What the would you be Fox battle Rossdale I would lose, I would lose what would what. How does a beatbox battle go? Because in my head it's a thing. But is it just one guy going, like, better than the other guy going, yeah. No, it's a big thing about the yeah, some people can get like deep and do like a sing a deep baritone, deep baritone, alto even.

I don't know which ones deeper, but they make a beat while they're like doing some shit. And then they go. We go, what the. There's some really good beat boxers and Kyle is among them. I will say good. Although I'm not like it's not. It's so beatboxing. There's so much of like I'm just sort of hype, right? I just sort of like to like, drop a beat and just get hype with it.

But I'm not like, like a good beatboxer or you're more I'm beat outside the boxer. He's a vibe curator, vibe curator. It's all about the it's all about serving the rest of the room versus like, beat boxers is very just like, I'm gonna blow your mind with all the different sounds I can make with my mouth. So there's like a beat, a beat chef and maybe, like, a beat waiter.

Yeah, I'm just serving it. Yeah, I'm just serving your brain. I'm a I'm a beach ready beat. Yes, yes. That's so good you got there. Right as I have right before my brain did, I was like. And then you said. And I'm the busboy boy, boy, I'm the bomb. That's a great metro bus, boy. I think it might be me at this point.

I might have just claimed that rapper show the Gambino show Atlanta. It was like paper boy. Paper boy. Yeah. Oh, I know, Paper boy. There's a duo named Paper Boy. There's a Nintendo game game Paper Boy. We've got. Do you deliver mail in that game? You deliver newspapers? That makes sense. You don't build like origami. Throw it. That would be the cool level of paper you're building, like, you know.

Oh, well, I folded everybody's papers into an airplane. Why doesn't your paper come as an airplane? Well, it doesn't it? Yeah. I all get the newspaper. All of us. All of us have a newspaper thrown by a boy to our door in the morning that we get out, walk out in our robe with our coffee and go and and read and be like, my socks are bad.

Yeah. And I hit my wife. Yeah. I didn't even

consider the Dow Jones is dead or down. I like when it's up,

it's up. We. We break up on a thermometer and drink the mercury. Yeah. And then we go to a go to our job. Oh, David. Yellow male over here. Speaking of male and paper boys and, like, 90s life.

That sounded like a sound in that man's life that we were imagining. Who gets the newspaper? Yeah, but you'd think you'd think immediately that they would have. I would have in 1920, 1920, folded them into airplanes. Yeah. Planes exists. And I'm like, what are we doing with these? Just non non. We can't they're not making. We don't want no flat paper.

Yeah. And you see the paper boys throwing them through windows all the time. And they're on that. They throw it and you just hear a cat scream. Yeah. Meow. Or you hear glass shatter. Are you here? You know, sound like when the when they throw it off camera. Is this how the game works? Oh, no. I'm just thinking of just in general.

General newspaper.

Oh, speaking of paper, boys, have you heard the Christian rock band the Newsboys? I haven't, we were listening to them a lot. Yeah, they sing a song about Captain Crunch and serving. It's propaganda for children to believe in God. And it's been in my head since I was eight years old. You said they get you in by not talking about God, and then all of a sudden they're like, they'll spring it on you and be like, if you don't believe you're gonna burn in hell for eternity.

We like pop tarts. Everybody thinks Pop tarts are cool. If you're gay, you're gonna go to hell off of it. It's kind of like that, but it's catchy enough that it's been. I'm going to just do the verse. Will you do with me? Yeah, sure. Okay.

Okay. First on Christian Rock has been on the podcast for once. I can't find it in my head. How's it? Oh, burning. When the toast is burned in, all the milk has turned and Captain Crunch is waving farewell. When the big one finds you made this song

remind you that they don't serve breakfast in hell. And it goes over and over again.

Dishonoring that would be hell would be staying in a. And you get the lobby and they. They're just cleaning up breakfast. Yeah. Every day, every time, every day they're

just like, oh, like we just you see the guy closing the waffle maker in the closet, you know? Yeah. So you, like, go to the, like, the coffee dispenser, just trying to get, like, pump the.

And there's still some, there's like somebody, some like, there's some stale toast and stuff in the droppings of the waffle machine on the table. You can see like the slightly crisp but mainly doe. No. Yeah. Because you got to take it. Nobody. Have you ever accurately cooked your waffle in a hotel waffle maker with the light, like you look at the light and you go to open it and it's not done.

And so you do it again, and then it burns. Yeah. Every time. Like, have you ever. Have you ever made a waffle in a hotel? No. Never tried to do that. Go out and order food or something.

You have to get up pretty early to make it to this hotel breakfast. And I sleep in pretty late. Pretty early for me? Yeah. For real? They're done it like nine. We wake up at, like, noon. Yeah, they end by 930, and I like, get. I roll out at 915 and make a waffle and bring it back. Yeah.

Oh I mean yeah. And is the waffle awful? No. It's fine, it's fine. Yeah, yeah. Awful. Falafel. Well, I love it. I love. You don't want an awful falafel. I will usually stay up for a free breakfast. Oh, you won't even go down. No, no, I'll just, like, get drunk all night until they start getting free breakfast. Yeah.

Breakfast. Just like you'd be the character I'd

want to see. Like I always observed the other breakfast goers in the looking to or what have you. Yeah, it's an interesting, you know, crew. Hotel residence. Yeah, we got it. We got to ask questions. It's been so many years since we got to go to the business center of this hotel right now.

Yeah. Yeah. Which is like, we got to do it. So what are we talking about? I think the looking to it and suites. Yeah. They never go to the one in Bakersfield. You got give us the give us the hot tea. I'm going to leave it at that. Don't go to the looking in Bakersfield. That's the advice you have to give.

Don't go to the like. I don't want to get into it. It was really rough. I mean, I could. It's a hard memory. Guys, it was not good. And it had to do with the service and the location. Let's be honest. No, I didn't eat a damn thing. They weren't offering shit.

Yeah, that's more one of those ones where you go in and be like, waffles broken. You get up and you go down there in the morning. They're like waffles, broken waffles, broken the waffle the day because it's broke. Do you

think the Queen to Bakersfield will sue us for what I just said? I hope so.

I don't I'm not familiar with podcast law.

They will over the t shirt. We're going to make that says fuck they like to in Bakersfield. That is what I will wear that I will wear it loud and proud. Fuck them. Really. Focus specific t shirts. One person. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're trying. Well, I think we're all. I think you guys are pretty ready. Answer some of these questions for the day.

You really like your microphone holding technique right now. I just don't have a lot of energy to do much. That seems like it takes more energy. But go on. It's locked in the place by less fingers. Like in the place, I guess. Cause I'm, Let me your man. Let me do me for Christ. Respect.

I sound like Creed now. Or reliant came reliant. Relying K is crazy to be a Christian man. We've been on a Christian band kick since the news. I told him about the Newsboys song. What is there? The Sadie Hawkins dance in my khaki pants. There's nothing better. Oh, the girls, that's the guys. It's always a surprise. There's nothing better, baby.

Do you like my sweater? That's a real song. Yeah, it's a great nostalgic. I've heard the name reliant K, but I think I was just confusing them with local H. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. You know, it happens, but we got some really hot questions. We got some cute, hot shot. We get right into it. Hey, right after this break.

Hey,

Hey, welcome back to acts, Dave. It's now time for our internet advice. Some crazy ass questions that people across the world need an answer to. What's our first question we got here, Travis?

Our first question is from Reddit and is posted by J.

Ghost. Oh, for.

talk me out of sending my ex money for his birthday. Okay. We broke up four months ago because he kept on hiding things from me. I know it's a bad

idea, and he doesn't deserve it, but I'm emotional right now, and he doesn't have family, and I want to do it. If I'm being honest, I think I'm thinking too much about the good memories.

Well, Jade, that's going to be a hell no for me. Yeah, immediate? Hell no. For me, it's giving. I want to maintain the connection to this person that I broke up with, but I feel like I have nothing else to bring to the table of him giving a money. Money? My general advice for like, when you go through a breakup is that you need to stay broken up.

Do not contact them at all. Do not at all. Not ever. Not at least for quite a few months. At least six months, if you're going to break up. My general rule is stay broken up. Do not contact each other because you're just going to want to get back together with you. Yeah, four months is too soon to be sending money.

He. It doesn't say that he asked for money, right? No. They were just gonna send this motherfucker money on their birthday. That's what he's always lived like this. People always just feel bad and send him money, like let him grow. The only way I think this is acceptable is if you are my ex-girlfriend. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. If this is Travis's ex friend, do it, do it.

Send the money. And the thing is, you'd say that about your ex. Most exes you would say that about. So again, that's why I, like, blocked him on everything. Do not contact with this man. Contact you. You're about to send this man money. You know rough it is. Well, how much money? That's a good question. Five bucks is just like.

Hey, if that's almost insulting. $5. Imagine if your ex Venmo do $5 on your birthday and just said, like, happy

birthday and be like, what the fuck is this? Well, I'd be like, they're thinking of me, but but it's like, I'd rather just you text me. It feels like it feels like. It's like you need five bucks, don't you?

Yeah, yeah.

It does feel like an insult. Yeah. What are you gonna do with $5?

What do you do? You do a five minute phone call. Ten. Ten. Two. 20. Ten. 10 to 20. I don't know, I just that that that question of what do you do with X amount of money? What do you do with $0.25? You remember those commercials. Is that like live links in Seattle? This is just how old I am.

A thing that's like, you dial a number before you make a phone call from a payphone, and it would make the phone call cheaper. Wow, that is some old school advice. Okay. That's great. I'm gonna have to remember that for all the payphones I go frequent. What do you. Yeah, that's having advice for Jade. Look, man, just. It's not gonna help.

It's not gonna. How? You all been in a similar situation as this person. I've never felt tempted to send my ex money for no reason. Well, I guess birthday is a reason, but did you ever

think I should send them money? Well, what's the situation like? Is he okay? Does he have medical problems? He doesn't have a family.

That's sad. That's it. Which feels like. Are you saying if it's medical problems, you would. I mean, I guess I would donate to my ex's GoFundMe. Me, right. If it was a GoFundMe. That's not what this is. This is. This is a gift. It's just unsolicited sending money because it also already know is conflicted about it. And he says he doesn't deserve it.

It's a bad idea and he doesn't deserve and talk me out of it. That's the main thing they're asking for. It's all right there. I could, I couldn't get. I wish I knew somebody that when they got emotional, wanted to give people money. This is true. I don't know a single person that's like that. And I gotta make more friends like this.

You need to get them real vulnerable. Yeah, that's. Yeah, I would not. I'd say bye bye and ask Dave's t shirt. Honestly, send the money that you're gonna send him to me. Because I really need that right now. Badly. Should we move on? We'll do another question. Yeah, let's go on a next one. All right. This comes from top age.

Four, three, six, four. Found out my upstairs neighbor has been coming down to check on me whenever my lights are off before 9 p.m.. I don't know if that's sweet or a boundary issue. Okay, well, even they have. So for context, I live alone. Moved into this apartment about eight months ago. The guy upstairs was probably in mid 60s, retired.

We've had a few times normal neighbor stuff. He seemed nice enough. A couple of weeks ago he mentioned in passing, I noticed your lights went off early last Tuesday not to make sure you were okay, and I kind of laughed it off. But then he brought it up again about a different night. Apparently he can tell from some reflection whether my lamp is on or not, and has made it a habit of coming down.

Like, what if I just wanted to lay in my bed and play video games on my phone while the lights were off? Sometimes that's just how I wind down. Nothing wrong with that. Preach. I don't think his intentions are anything but good, and part of me finds it kind of touching that someone noticed. But also, it's a lot.

And I shouldn't have to keep my lights on so a neighbor doesn't show up at my door. How do you even bring something like this up without making a lonely old man feel bad about trying to look out at the.

Give him a give him your phone number. Yeah, your phone number? Yeah. Text me. Yeah, but what if they she he is asleep and they can't respond.

And then it worries the old man. I need to call the cops.

Well, then it's like you're asleep at 9 p.m. and somebody. If somebody that is a problematic. You're right. You can't be asleep at 9 p.m.. True. Not lest you wake up at three in the morning. Yeah. Even this night owl, he's already. Yeah, yeah. My brother in law has been working on the.

He's an electrician on the metro right now. And he goes into he gets it to work at 4 a.m. every day. Wow. First of all, doesn't make sense because they're underground. You can get there, whatever it is. Yeah, but. But aside from that, he can't do anything at night anymore. Ever. It's like if we want to eat dinner with them, it's got to be, like, 5 p.m..

Yeah, I met someone similar, but they didn't have an excuse because they were an actor like me, but they just woke up at like four in the morning. They just did. I just get up really early. So good night guys. She just. She did. She was like, I just get it before in the morning I go to bed like 8 or 9 because I was like come to the show that we do and like, I won't, I can't.

That's that is a great excuse though. Oh, come to my show. I go to sleep at 3 p.m.. Yeah, I got to see it go away, knock out a show. I just I know she was so sick of being invited to indie clown shows that she completed her sleeping schedule to an ungodly thing. Any clown shows or one of those things, though, it's like, oh, yeah, well, we do one at noon every day.

Start your day with someone puking in there in someone else's mouth. Yeah. That's what we love about clown comedy. I'm not gonna happen on clowning. No, I would have loved to see both of the clown baby bird SpaghettiOs into another clown's mouth. It must. Interesting. They weren't brave enough until now. I'm sure it was done before. Yeah, yeah.

Come on, come on. I think it's nice to be cared about for me. What do I say about this personally? Maybe just go out and talk to him. Say, hey, I appreciate you being great about me, but you don't have to check on me at all. That's just seems like the. If he's this nice, that should be something you could be able to go and talk to him about, right?

Do you think she seems like somebody that could just die at any minute? Yeah, well, if she's like Rue from euphoria, because if she's like a young and she's seeming young. Young person. Yeah. You'd probably like, hear the thing that would cause an issue, right? You'd probably hear it and or like somebody break it in or. Yeah, you're probably like, if you're this attentive, notice that anything that could go wrong other than, you know, oh I've been, I've been trying to carbon monoxide poison you every single day this month.

And you

just not just tell them you're packing heat and you've got it

covered. Yeah, yeah, I got, I got a gun. I got so many. Show him your gun after you prove it. Yeah, it's all right. I got this.

So be careful when you come around my house at 9 p.m.. I'm afraid for you. Yeah. The radio. Yeah. Is this a is this a like. Is he seeing if. Is he like, oh, are you okay? Should I break in and have sex with you while you're. Or are you awake? Like, it feels like he's like test. And she could be like, okay.

Is it a good pattern for me to answer the door at 9 p.m. every night? Like it could be anyone getting her used to it. Yeah. So some other motherfucker can sneak on through. Interesting, interesting. Wow. Women are so good at surviving. I would have never even thought of that. Yeah, it's so crazy that they hang out with men all the time.

So number one way they die. Exactly. Yeah, it's like just hanging out with. I guess I do hang out with alcoholism a lot. I do, I do, I mean, heart disease are pretty close, so I guess I get that too. Yeah. And then get a gun. Yeah. Good one. What would make you all, like, go and check on somebody, bro?

You know, if they had some sort of terminal illness and they were on the brink of existing. If there was a Co leak, you know, normal things. But what else? You you always have to assume to like you're not the one to come check on somebody to. Right. What makes you be like I'm the I'm I'm the caregiver.

I'm the one who checks. He has a daddy complex. He wants to tuck her in, which we don't like what women don't like to be. I don't think she wants to be tucked in by this man. No. Sounds like it. Yeah, she's on Reddit. She is on Reddit. Well, she's questioning it. Yeah. She doesn't want to make the lonely old man feel bad.

But, like, you gotta. You gotta tell the man what's up. Like you can't. Yeah. Like, stop worrying about me. It's like worrying about me. Why don't you go talk to the. Why don't you get your money up? You've lived at 60. You lived such a long life that. Imagine there's people you could look like check in with from entire time to be like, hey, and be less lonely.

So why don't you do that? Unless you, like, didn't do that at all. And now you're sick seeing your life. She told them all. Unless he killed off his right. Yeah. My, my, I had a daughter just like you. And she. She fell asleep one day and never got up. She for no reason. She had no disease. There was no carbon monoxide.

She just had SIDs. But as it was called, sads, sads, sudden adult death syndrome. Oh.

That happened to his whole family. Whole family? My whole family suddenly died in the night. I did not kill them.

Oh, man. It sounds like the beginning of one of those movies, though. Like that. You know, like, I don't know, like they'd have Vince Vaughn in now or something where it's like, yeah, you're, you know, like Jon Bernthal, like I'm an ex-con. Just try to get by in. There's this girl downstairs who I'm looking after, but she's got this bad guy boyfriend, and she.

She gets

kidnaped. Yeah. What's her lifestyle like? Let's look into that. Maybe there's a good reason he is checking on her. Yeah, maybe every night there's, you know, a bunch of people with guns down. Maybe you do need to be checked on, honey. Firing weapons in her apartment. These are all good details that are true. She could be really irresponsible and leave the stove on before bed.

Yeah. He's worried. He can smell the stove. He could smell the stove. She could be doing a lot of stuff. Yeah. What would make you check on your neighbor? That's what I asked. Yeah, I would say, like, if I heard screaming, screaming, fired, screaming, I would go and check, but I'd be nervous to go check, because what if the, you know, perp is in there and then you become a victim to.

I'm calling the cops. Call the cops first. First of all, I'm not going there myself. Well, you said you would check, so that made me think you were gonna go physically check. Yeah, I would say if you. It's a ham checking, like, hey, this song. Have you ever think something's really wrong? Call the cops and have them come talk.

Talk to me. I've had my neighbor. This is true. My neighbor had the cops. Like the cops. Just, like, showed up across the street at my neighbor's house and then, like, got out and started, like, advancing towards the house. Like, they were like, I don't I can't remember. They had guns drawn, but they were like two of them were going around the side to like they were clearly about to raid the house.

And I'm like, I'm like, I texted him. I'm like, oh, the cops are like, about to raid your house. So what's the end to? Oh, it's it's chilly. You might want to duck behind your kitchen counter. Yeah, yeah, that was technically that was me checking out my neighbors. And it was like, yeah, there's actively cops approaching. That's a good look.

So you've done did it. And this is true. So turns out they were. My neighbor was rehearsing for his wedding in his backyard with, like, two swords. It was like him and his, like, friend or, I guess, I guess it was his fiancee. They were like, practicing some, like, sword fight thing that they were going to do for their wedding.

They were. And somebody, this is a sword fighting wedding. I guess it might. Maybe it was cultural. What are these samurais? I thought it was cool, but someone on fucking. Someone fucking, like report called the cops. It's like there's a sword. There's a sword. Sword paddle. The sword battle.

Between two lovers in the yard.

Being like, they're definitely really fighting. It's absurd. Bro, people don't have. People are so bored that they'll look out. Maybe they're really believable. Violent. I mean, I guess, I don't know, maybe. Maybe the neighbor was very old. Back to when people did fight with swords. Yeah. And I see one of those swords in 60. You can imagine anywhere in the world, I would be where I would assume the sword crime is is real crime.

It's not acting. It's not. I used to do I used to do historical European martial arts. And we used to do this literally in my backyard every day. Me and my roommates. LARPing. No, no, no, like like actually, like actually jousting. That's a different thing. Oh, shit. For that. But that's sick. Could you pull it off on a horse at this point with your training?

No, I never did it on a horse. Do you think you could, I could, I could swing assorted people from a horse. Sure. That's a cool thing. You should put that on your, you know, dating profiles. Yeah. I think she's asking you if you're single. Yeah. What's a dog? No, no, I'm not, I'm not. I have a count though.

So the fact that I am a count. What are you pointing at? I've got the paperwork right there. They're this. No, that's a deed to Martian land. Oh, this is. This is my count hood. Oh, God. It's awfully, really useful things. Yeah. Respect. I'm not a count on Mars of the land I own. I'm a count of a small, like piece of land in Austria.

Yeah. Where ever go there. Never been to knock or Stein Manor. What does it count entail? Yeah. Von.

Keep going. I don't remember the rest of the words. That's fair. So you're not the best count in town? No, no, not in this town. Not a very. You never claimed that, though, so I won't hold it against you. Should we go to the break? Let's go to the break. Let's. Yeah, let's go to the break. We'll be right back with your listener questions.

Asked. Steve.

We are back with more acts. Date escaped. Ask Dave. Ask Dave, ask Dave. Time for your listener question. Question.

As always, if you'd like to send in a question, go ahead and send an email to Ask Dave. Comedy.

As Dave. Comment.

You have to go out. All right. To Graham Dave comedy. And you can also we have a link tree there that has like a submission form Linktree. If you just want to go straight to the link tree, you can go to the link. Oh god, it's so hard to link dot e however you do if you

type in Linktree x Dave comedy on Google.

I'm sure it'll pop up, but if not, if that's too many steps, just go ahead and send an email. Has it gone? Just do the last day of comedy. We out here. Has it gone full circle? Remember, I used to be like an old people thing and then it was a young people thing where it's like, you just Google everything, and then.

Then it was like, then you just Google it has because Google now you can it's AI. So now you can just ask a conversational questions. But it used to be a thing you'd make fun of old people doing, because old people would be like, what time does the library closed? It's like 2008. We're like, just say library hours.

Like, don't ask it a question with punctuation and a question mark at the end, but now it's full circle, where actually that is how you Google stuff. Well, every time I go to open my Gmail, I Google email and then I click on the link, are you going to your grandma's Facebook wall? And it just says my email, please, like if you got the status.

She thought she was searching, but she was. That was my first Twitter post just said Tony Robbins, you were promoting him. I was just I was trying to look up Tony Robbins. Oh that's amazing. That's amazing. I love this. You said it's gonna stay. Yeah. If I remember anything about you, I think that'll be it. Tony Robbins was the first thing I posted on Twitter.

Like, 30 years ago now or whatever. Amazing. I was never much of a tweeter, but remember, the good old days when tweeting meant stabbing a hooker? No, that was a Norm MacDonald joke. Why would you remember these hot, hot questions we got from our listeners?

Who? Our first question here comes from Jason. Jason I'm graduating, but I'm 39.

What's next? Well, what are you graduating from? Old person school from the 30s. Next question. I hope

it's old person school. That young person school at 39. They're just graduated from just finally do it. I learned how to be five. Yeah. I say collect those graduation checks, throw an event, throw a little restaurant gala. I don't know what you call it.

Invite people, be like, I graduated and have a basket of gifts in your Venmo out. So people are like, oh, I didn't pay him or her friends with money now. Right? So the had you been studying hard? You haven't been earning shit. You need to make that graduation cash you get. You get more in debt. I've been thinking about taking out student loans again just till I get my master's in something.

Just to just to accumulate more student loans until the economy collapses. Yeah, yeah. Might as well as well go the other way. I think that's a good plan. Why not? Yeah. I mean, though it helped me out a lot. What do you think? What did they say? What? They went to school. Are we giving them career advice here?

I think they're just waiting. What do I do now? I graduated at three. Now, I don't know if there's a master's or a bachelor's or. My God, you do what you want. You do whatever it is you want. I'd say go get your security guard card and, yeah, go get a job. Go get a job as a thing that you can do without that degree.

Do a thing about less. Avocado toast. Yeah. Don't go get a job. Because I'll tell you right now, you're gonna need, while you're looking for the job related to the thing you graduated, the degree you graduated with. Give it some whatever the fuck job until the, Next question comes from Michael, who has

my friend we call truckstop.

Billy doesn't understand. He got his name because he sleeps with men for money at the truck stop.

He says he's just doing what his mama taught him this in quotes. How do I get it through the one that it's not a family tradition and that he is, in fact, a prostitute? Any advice is greatly appreciated. But is it a problem if he's a prostitute?

No, he seems to think it's a problem because he doesn't want to see himself as a prostitute. Oh, look down on you. It's a tradition. It can be both. It can be a family. He just has a problem with the label. He just doesn't like the label problem. So are we sure? Is he speaking for himself, or is his friend saying he's worried he's not down with being a sex worker on paper?

For the sake of the question. Am I overanalyzing it? I could be. I think if I was a sex worker, I would go by prostitute because it sounds more professional. Sex worker sounds like this is like a gig prostitutes. Like I went to escort. I'm an escort. Escort is classy. Be a truck stop. Ex court escort. Drop stop.

Who cares about labels? You know what I'm saying? Who cares? Call them whatever you want. Call them whatever you want. Yeah. As long as he's making money, make him pay for dinner. As long as he's getting some and making cheddar for the sounds of it, it seems like he's doing it for the love of the game. Not for, like, any monetary.

And out of respect for his mother. Go and cruise. Because he sleeps with men at stock stops for money. Oh, he's doing it for money. Yeah. Then, I mean, but he doesn't want the label of prostitute. Yeah, well. Well, yeah, that's his truth. And. Yes. Yeah, I mean, I guess. Yeah, that's his truth. You know. Yeah. We all exchange things for things like your friends friend do that, do their thing.

Yeah, but behind his. Behind his back. You should call him whatever you want. There's only a few more years of blowing truckers left in this economy. All those truck drivers are going to be robots in, like, five years. But, yeah, you know, suck those dicks while you can. Yeah. Sucking dry. Yeah, well, best of luck, Michael. That's how that goes.

And hit that shit raw dog and bail. This next question comes from Jill Door.

Read that first. It's Dilo doe. That's incredible. I love that. Yummy. This is just about making, like, a pickle infused sourdough. Yeah. Well, they asked. Hey, Dave, what color is your butthole? And as we. If you were involved, if you were in the the what was it? The chat channel on Instagram, you would know that I posted a poll on what color I should.

I should bleach my asshole. Oh, it's a butt poll. Yeah, it was a butt poll and the anal poll, but burnt Sienna? No, it wasn't burnt Sienna. It was sunset orange. So my butthole like that. Kind of like this was going to be real red damaged. Wow. This reminds me of your whole. She's gonna look really red with a nice orange sunshine glow.

Yeah, well, that's more done yet. I didn't know you could choose a color. I guess it makes sense. You can do a lot these days. Well, if you bleach wrestle, it just lightens it. Right. That's what I thought. You can, like, die it. Maybe it's always thought that, you know, in the socket and die. She's like, you could even dye my eyes to match my gown.

She says that I always thought. Yeah, well, dyeing your eyes. That's crazy that people do that. Dyeing your eyes and night. Must have been in the Wizard of Oz.

Do we have another question? Yeah, we have this. We're singing in between. You doing the show? They're mostly singing. I was covering, and then I didn't know you were. I came here to sing. We have another question from 18. Pronounce that name. I'm sure

it's also going to be a slur. Yeah. Can you make a message for people named Carter?

They all like thin boys and mac and cheese. I know one of they need some motivation to eat more mac and cheese and thin boys. If you could do it shirtless, that would be even better, because that would be really supportive. Also, maybe moan a little bit. This is more of a cameo request. This is like a cameo.

Really? Listen, I'll do all of this for the right amount of money. Yeah, I'm not opposed to it. So yes, yes, I will. If not, if you don't want to pay me. Carter's just going to have to get off on the regular content. Regular? Regular? I mean, I feel like we will post a video that probably says exactly that pretty soon, just by accident.

Hi, Carter. Me, a little boy. Does not sound like a video. It would make, man, but I guess I'm looking for you. Good luck. Carter. Carter. The last question comes from Will, who asks? My fiance and I are having some relationship troubles. We have felt very distant and emotionally unavailable lately. This has caused us to question if we want different things in life.

How would you handle this? Keeping you? Wow. A real nice ending in on an actual question. Damn happy. I don't know why, but I kind of tuned out in the middle of that, so I can't say I was expecting. I don't know why. So I these people are fiance. He's got a piano. Okay. And they become emotionally distant in our questioning if they should continue this relationship.

Yeah. Yeah I think a lot of the time, you know, people see this stuff in relationships and they think all this is what, what things are now. But you can always just you can be less emotionally distant. You can just do that. And people usually just work off your cuz. Yeah, yeah. Don't get married until you feel close again.

Yeah. Don't make me tell you we're gonna get to. Maybe I got it wrong again. I definitely don't go through with this. I thought I thought this was a fiance thing. Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. So they haven't gotten married. Sounds like you need a third party to intervene. Which would be Dave. Dave. Dave. Well, fuck one of you, and then emotions will get all stirring.

Everyone's going to get pissed and jealous. Wow. Maybe if they give me. If they let me travel, then I do that. You know, I feel like every, you know, every relationship, romantic relationship will not be free from conflict. And if you are feeling distant from each other, I think that's something to work on. And if you can't work on it, if you can't, if you can't work on it, that's a signal that you shouldn't go through with this.

Yeah. This marriage? Yep. I mean, but being emotionally distant. What is it? What is that? I don't. Does that just mean, like, we're not talk talking or we're not? I think she's, like, shutting down emotionally, perhaps feeling vulnerable and not open to share her feelings. And they're both feeling with each other. So, I mean, it could be like sort of the jitters of like, oh, we're about to get right the pressure.

Planning a wedding two could probably do a lot of, you know, split. You know, I've been thinking about tables all night, and then it's like, I don't want to talk to the table person anymore. You know, that's the case. There's less of you. Do you, like, just put this whole wedding off and be like, let's just not worry about this and just be in this relationship.

If that's where the anxiety is coming from. You could also go talk to a therapist about it. See, like I heard, I heard a lot of time people can adopt a totally different personality if they get an organ transplant. So you're saying it's you get an orchid transplant, maybe one of you gets an organ transplant, and then it's like a whole new relationship.

But to qualify, they have to get pretty injured. Is it worth it to pay for it? Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah, yeah, it's. You guys could exchange kidneys. Honey, I want you to trade kidneys. Trade kidneys? Yes. That's what you should do. Beautiful. That's that's even more intimate than a marriage. So that should be what a marriage is.

Yeah. That's like your little. What. You just wear rings. You know how like, it's always the wedding gag. Like we're going to light a candle or put sand in a jar or a live kidney transplant exchange. Two doctors wake up at the reception, and I want the doctors to be married and kissing as the implant. The kidneys sounds so beautiful.

I want to come to this wedding. Please. More doctors in relationships to perform surgeries together. Yeah, while they're, like, horny. Yeah. There isn't enough of that? No. And especially, how are we going to inspire that? Friends and family all sitting there watching you? I would pay extra at the hospital if I knew the doctors were, like, making out on.

And they had some sexual tension over you. That sounds pretty too. They're going to do a better job with the surgery. That's actually brilliant. Babe, I want you to see how I can suture.

Babe, I love it when you suture people real hard.

Dude, I'm so wet from your slice just now. That slit, you just cut my slit. And she got us all in my pants. Because. So wet from watching you do this surgery. Yeah. This works.

Your penis is getting wet. Y'all don't leak. Y'all know how was that called? Pre come. It's classic where you need gauze. Yeah I I'm I'm so I'm leaking so much. And baby I got so much pre Covid right now. Sorry. Just making out the leaking out of me. Oh my god.

I would say well yeah. Really analyze like why are we doing this. Why are we getting married. Why don't we get together. Do you just have to sit down and ask your partner all these questions? Well, you have to be comfortable having those uncomfortable conversations. Yeah, because it's never going to go away magically. And also, people have a fear that if you talk about uncomfortable things, it's like a sign that it's going wrong or that it's like that y'all are getting like.

But by not talking about it, you're literally becoming distant. So and this is a married man, bro. Straight up. Actually, this is my real advice. Don't have a big wedding. We went to the courthouse, bro. 130 bucks out the door. Easy. Out the door. Pressure. Yeah. No stakes. Just do it. Just do it or don't have a part.

You can have a party whenever you want. Hashtag celebrate your love any time with your friends and family. Give us expensive gifts that like. Like kitchen appliances. That's the reason why I want a wedding. Yeah. So just. It's hard for me to throw a party that's like. Yeah, that makes sense. I'm

going to $40,000 wedding, so that way I get a couple toasters.

That's that's, you know, I. How do we figure it out to do it the other

way? You know, kind of like The Graduate. You do it for the donation. That's why you went to school. That's why you get married. The toaster. The toaster? Yeah. No one wants to buy a toaster themselves. The things we do. That's

right. Well, will definitely let me know how it goes.

We'd love to hear an update from yet again. If you would like to send in the questions to the show, go ahead and send an email to Ask Dave comedy. At

Ask Dave comedy email.

Dave. Comedy. Ask Dave. Comedy. Ask Dave. Ask Dave. Comedy.

Kyle or Riley? Do you have anything you'd like to plug? Yeah, I'm gonna plug this dig into your butt. Oh, she said, well, sunset orange asshole. Anal orange. Anal orange, anal orange, anal orange a anal orange, though, because I don't have anything else to say. Anal orange ain't no orange. Fuck. I know it's hard, but

you can follow me on Instagram at Sparkle Forest with two S's in the forest.

Okay. Like Forrest Gump. Does he have two S's? Oh two. He's got just four EST. He's got to have a double S in the forest. Yeah, that would be cool if I could say that, but no. All right. Kind of like Forrest Gump with different letters. Kyle. Work to be with all of you. Kyle. Health. Hell with an f health.

Yeah.

Do you have anything you want to put this this podcast on YouTube, Spotify, Apple, all the places you buy shirts, you gotta buy t shirts. Yeah, we've got people buy t shirts. It's great. Good at my Shopify World or Dave World. Shopify. Yeah, I think they both take you there. I just ordered a shirt myself and I'm cock blocking myself.

It's just do not have sex with me. Yeah, right. But it's an oxymoron. People are going to. People that don't like consent are going to be into me, which is what we always want. And it initiates the conversation. People like, why won't you have sex with me? And you really will. So then they feel like they, they got they want a prize.

Yeah, we do have sex with them. They're like, they have that shirt on. Yes. Yeah yeah yeah. It's a that's so smart. The shirts are real aphrodisiac. So if you want your own go to accident world and get it, you know, you've been thinking about putting my face on mac and cheese. My face on mac and cheese. On your body.

My face on mac and cheese on your body. Do not have sex with me. My face on mac and cheese on your body. Yeah, that's the video. Did you show that at show and tell? No. He's to a patient. He just straight up. A dozen people really love to have your videos. He's got a post immediately. But yeah, go get our merch.

You can also go to the Linktree online. I've got a buy me a coffee link. So if you just wanted to send me a little tip, you can go do that too. We give you a coffee already? I'm good. Whoa, whoa. Okay, guys, don't buy Dave a coffee. I'm good. I'm five shirts by a shirt. Send me a tip.

I am struggling a lot right now. And we do all this show for free. We love doing it, but it also does not pay the bills. So if you get a shirt or some YouTube that really helps out with everything and then we'll do so much show. Yeah, we'll do, we'll do so much show if we don't have to do anything else.

What about a Patreon? I use the we have a baby of coffee. That's for like direct donations. You don't have like $28. Patreon is next year's goal. All right. Do Patreon go to be a coffee? That's what I'm doing right now. But aside from that, I know. Guys, thank you so much for coming. Oh, thanks for having me.

Thank you so much. And as always. Oh, here's a pro tip. If you're on an employment, get a job before your unemployment runs out. That's my that's that's actual advice. That's my biggest advice. Don't let it run out. Don't be like, so sure that you can get a job right when it runs out. Get your job like 1 to 2 months before before.

And then you can also maybe even lie a little bit and collect some unemployment while you're working. Yeah, legally we can't invite you to do that, but that is something you can do. So this is not a legal advice podcast, but it is a questioning answering podcast. That was our old podcast. Real podcast. Really well, now you can go into it okay.

But that oh we love you and we will see you next week.

Bye guys. Bye. To ask Dave to ask who asked? Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Ask. Dave. Please. Ask. Dave. Ask fucking Dave if you got a question. Dave. Schools in session. He's gonna answer your inquiry. Yeah. Ask Dave as Dave. Active now, son.

Yeah, we're kind of like that. We're a little annoying.