From Self-Worth To Soulmate: Rewriting Dating After 35

We sit down with Terrain LeBeau to untangle dating after 35, from self-worth and mental health to practical non-negotiables that keep you out of avoidable heartache. The core message is simple and hard: love that lasts starts inside, and preference should never become your prison.

• defining success as calm communication and visible partnership
• confidence as an internal source, not external status
• attachment patterns from childhood shaping adult choices
• pre‑bedroom rules and safety as a standard
• the fixer identity and why projects drain you
• healing after breakups without rebounds
• where to meet value‑aligned partners in real life
• dating apps, filters, and trade‑offs
• aging, identity, and building durable value

Find Terraine Lebeau at:

https://www.behindtheshades.ca/

mailto:behindtheshadesinterviews@gmail.com

Transcript

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Meet Terrain LeBeau And The Mission

SPEAKER_00 0:10

All right, we're here with Terrain LeBeau. And Terrain, how are you today?

SPEAKER_03 0:14

I'm well. Thank you, Amy, for having me. How are you doing?

SPEAKER_00 0:17

I'm doing great, and I'm so excited you're here. So you're gonna talk to us today about relationships, and you've got a podcast on relationships, right?

SPEAKER_03 0:27

Do, yeah. So I'm gonna talk about relationships, um, the mental health aspect of it, and of course, any identity crisis that people experience. So I'm glad to be here.

SPEAKER_00 0:37

I'm glad to have you. All right. So tell us a little bit how you got involved in this whole relationship business. What got you into the podcast and the being an expert on this?

SPEAKER_03 0:49

Yeah, so um in my twenties at a very difficult time dating. I didn't know what the hell I was doing. Oh my goodness, if there was a crash course, I needed it. So I was very arrogant, very stupid, and very, very unsuccessful. So what I wanted to do was find different ways to find success. So I went to mentors at that time, and then I was able to gather wisdom, turn it into a podcast through my training, my experiences, and now I'm working with the women to find love in all the right places after we all have tried to find it in all the wrong places.

SPEAKER_00 1:24

That's wonderful. Can you tell us a little bit about what kind of mishaps you had in the beginning before you sought help?

Dating Missteps And Early Lessons

SPEAKER_03 1:32

Oh, yeah. I remember going on, I'll give you a story. I remember going on a date, and because I was so poor, there's something called Toonie Tuesday here in Canada. So the toonie is $2. So I remember going on dates for $2. So the bus ride was $2, the movie was $2, food was $2. It was a $12 date. Yeah, way back in the 1900s, but then what I found out is that um I didn't know how to keep the relationship going. I knew how to get that first foot in the door, but making it work long term was something I struggled with. So that's why I had to turn inward and identify what is preventing me from finding the type of love that I see so many people able to get. So that is a mishap that I had, and it was a little embarrassing, but I was able to survive it, and I'm still alive today for the most part. So here I am.

SPEAKER_00 2:28

Well, we've all had those embarrassing moments in relationships and dating. So um, can you talk a little bit about how you went on this journey to find a mentor or mentors?

SPEAKER_03 2:40

Yeah, so what I did was um because I wanted to have a successful relationship, I went to people who had success in relationships. So I started asking them questions, like, for example, how do you treat a lady? How do you understand a lady? Um, how do you make a lady like you? How do you become a better version of yourself ultimately? And they gave me some really, really good words of wisdom. The first answer, they said, you'll never understand women. Right? But what you could do is you can make yourself understandable to them. And that's the advice that I took to heart, and that's where I stood in front of the mirror one day and I said, Tarin, what is it that you love about yourself? What is it that you like about yourself? What is it that you don't like about yourself? And that started the transition because I needed to make sure that I was attractive to the type of person that I wanted to become attracted to.

SPEAKER_00 3:43

Yeah, that's smart. So I'm still curious about this whole mentor

Defining Relationship Success

SPEAKER_00 3:48

thing. How did you decide who had a successful relationship? What is a successful relationship?

SPEAKER_03 3:54

That's a good question because success can mean anything can mean different things to a lot of people. So, for example, a two-bedroom house is successful. Um, driving a Ferrari is successful, driving a civic is. So I just observed and I asked. So I spent time with people in relationships. When there's gatherings, I would tend. You know, I'll just bring a friend. Hey girl, you want to come along for free food? Okay, let's go. So it was an easy sell. And then that's how I defined what a successful relationship. So the first step was the communication piece. How are they communicating with each other? Are they yelling? Are they swearing to each other, or is it calm, cool, and collected? Like a cucumber, right? Calm and cool. Right? The second step was when they're together, do they look like they're together, right? I remember seeing a couple, I remember seeing two people walking down the street, and there was enough space in between them that you can fit a 300-pound person in.

SPEAKER_00 4:53

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_03 4:54

Right?

SPEAKER_00 4:55

Makes you wonder what's going on there.

SPEAKER_03 4:58

Yeah, they're like, we love each other. I'm like, that's love. I'm like, reminds me of uh, was it Tina Turner? What's love got to do with it? So it made you realize, like, okay, you want to show the world that this is my partner. So that's another thing that was successful to me. And the third is that when there's this beautiful couple, when they step into a room, energy changes. They have arrived. Jay-Z and Beyonce have arrived. Taylor Swift and her fiance now, they've arrived, right? Like I wanted that type of energy because it shows the world that this is the person that you're claiming as your second half, and this is the person that you're showing to the world from a male perspective now that you want to make it safe and secure for her to walk around. So that was success to me.

SPEAKER_00 5:53

Yeah, I love that. Travis Kelsey, by the way, we're in Kansas City here. That's where Travis is from for Taylor Shepherd.

SPEAKER_03 6:02

Shout out to my Kansas City Chiefs.

SPEAKER_00 6:04

Yeah, love them. All

Coaching Women On Worth And Mental Health

SPEAKER_00 6:07

right. And so when you started working with women, what do you exactly help them with and how does it play into mental health? How does that work?

SPEAKER_03 6:16

Yeah, so there's a number of women that I work with. One of the biggest concerns that they have when it comes to um exiting a relationship and maybe potentially entering a new one is am I worthy of love? Right? And I didn't realize that it was such an obstacle for women until I started to work with women over the age of 35. Like when you're in your 20s, you're like, of course I can get love.

unknown 6:39

Right?

SPEAKER_03 6:40

Love starts in the bedroom for a lot of people, right? Which it doesn't. Actually, love starts outside of the bedroom. So with the women I work with, their confidence and self-worth really impacted their mental health because one, they thought they weren't worthy of love. That's a young girl's game. Two, as they began to age, for a lot of women, their value was associated with what? Their looks and their youth. So now they're suffering identity crisis because they were one way in their 20s, now they're a different way in their late 30s when they're really when their marriage or relationship has ended, and now they have to rediscover themselves. So self-worth, self-confidence, and the value that they associate with their age played a huge impact. So one of the first things I asked them in my sore model is what do you want to start doing and what do you want to stop doing? And they'll say, Train, I want to stop feeling pain. Train, I want to stop feeling alone, train. So I'm like, okay, what do you want to start doing now? So that's how it impacts their mental health, and that's how I start them on the journey of resolving whatever issues they still have.

SPEAKER_00 7:51

Right. And I was thinking you mentioned competence. How do you help someone gain confidence? Is that not something that's just innate?

SPEAKER_03 8:03

It is. Like I feel like I'm a confidence confident person the majority of the time, but they're I think everyone has a situation where they began to where they begin to doubt themselves or their abilities. Right? It could be social setting, professional setting, romantic setting, it could be anything.

Confidence From The Inside Out

SPEAKER_03 8:22

So confidence for a woman when I work with them as I ask them what is the source of your confidence internally. Right? Forget the job, forget the car, forget the kids, forget the man, forget the clothes, forget everything. Right? Imagine yourself in front of a mirror and you're stripped naked. Do you like what you see? Right? Or is it that you're saying, okay, there's loose skin there, there's fat there, there's cellulite there. So that's how I get them to address the confidence, because the confidence is something that they have to find an origins for within themselves. It could be something, Amy, as simple as I woke up this morning and I have a reason to smile. And the reason why I have to smile is that I'm healthy. And that is something that's gonna build your confidence because you can go out in the world and no one can take that away from you. So that's how we build it internally. Then we can look for external things, but it always starts from within.

SPEAKER_00 9:21

That's great. I also find that uh I can't think of the word right now, uh being grateful also helps build confidence. If you are appreciative for what you have, you start just like you said, appreciative for your health, that builds and builds, and yeah, I agree with you.

SPEAKER_03 9:40

So Yeah, yeah. It could be it could be tough, right? To your point, Amy. Like if you not if you're not looking within yourself, or there's always something in the world that can beat you down. Always, right? It could be, I have a horrible boss. Oh, my kids, you know what? They keep asking me for money, but I don't have extra money today, right? It could be your neighbor that can that continues to leave their grass uncut, and you always have to cut their grass, right? There's something that could beat you down. But you have to negative thought is something that unfortunately impacts women a lot more than men. So it's harder for women to understand the positivity of things. And work through that. So that's how I get them, because they can sit there and say, Terrain, I'm 45 years old, who's going to love an old, withered divorcee? Or who's gonna want a single mother because I've gained a couple more pounds and not as slim as I used to be? So it can be tough to your point.

SPEAKER_00 10:37

It's a rough world out there. The society has big expectations of people. So that is rough. Um, do you mainly work with women then that are not in a relationship and want to find a relationship, or do you ever work with women that are having trouble in their relationship?

SPEAKER_03 10:55

I spoke to a few women officially. It's usually women who are in between relationships or their relationship is ending. I've talked to a few people, unofficially when it came to their relationship just because they were either thinking about cheating. Thinking about other things. So you're

Attachment Patterns And Childhood Scripts

SPEAKER_03 11:15

there or I was there to be that hand to pull them off the precipice, right? To pull them back off of the cliff. So but usually it's women who are in between relationships who are trying to figure it out because the number one thing is they're tired of the games and feeling used.

SPEAKER_00 11:34

Yeah. Yeah, as an older woman myself, and I'm not not dating right now, but uh that's because I had so many bad experiences. So I get that. Yeah. So how do you teach them to find a good man?

SPEAKER_03 11:50

Oh, absolutely. Um, they the example I always give is here in Canada we have a store called Build a Bear, and you can go in there, right? Yeah, and you can build the type of bear that you want. It could be pink, purple, green, whatever, right? So I tell them, okay, build your man. Exaggerate everything. If he's six feet tall, six inches, and six figures, if he has big hands, big feet, whatever the case is, exaggerate it, right? So I get them to build their ideal man, either with physical traits and not too specific because I don't want to visualize that, right? But I get them to build the type of person that they want. And then after they build it, I ask them the question, okay, where do you find this man? Where is he? That's where women struggle. They know the type of man they want, they don't know where to find them. And then the second question is what type of man, what type of woman, talk about heterosexual relationships, what type of woman does that man want? And that's another question that women struggle with. They can't find them, they don't know what they want. It's marketing one-on-one, right? When you have a product in a store, you need to understand if I place it in the Home Depot, is it going to sell? Home Depot is what? Contractors, people building things. But if you have shampoo, is it going to be the ideal situation? Maybe not. You maybe want to bring it into a Walmart or a Target or TJ Maxx or whatever the case is, right? So that's how I get them to find the type of man that they want. Because there's nothing wrong with your preference, but make sure that your preference in a man or a woman doesn't become your prison, and therefore you can't escape it.

SPEAKER_00 13:27

Right. And I think, you know, to your point, like the shampoo needing to be at Walmart instead of Home Depot, it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with that shampoo, but you're shopping in the wrong place for what you're looking for. Yeah, I like that. So um when mental health plays into this, do you have any women that come to you that struggle with their own mental health? Like a diagnosis?

SPEAKER_03 13:55

Yeah, so as as a coach or mentor, what I do is if it's something that is um complex or severe, let's say it's like depression, right? I would refer that out because I don't diagnose and I don't prescribe anything. I'm here to help you build that path. We walk it together, then eventually I let go of your hand and you finish that journey. So let's say that if it's someone who is in between, in the middle, somewhere in that gray area. So when it comes from a mental health perspective, they s women suffer because they either have conflict in their attachment styles. Right? Which is a lot of it's learned from their childhood. Let's say, for example, they've had a childhood where it's always conditional love. I got an A plus, your parents validate you and say that they love you. I did well in sports, I got three touchdowns, same thing. Or you scored four touchdowns in a high school game like Al Bundy from Married with Children. Right? It all depends on how the your trauma started, and a lot of times it's in the childhood. So when they grow up into adults now, their mental health is weakened. Right? They may have um an avoidant attachment style, they may have um conditional love where they always have to perform something. I give sex, I get love, I give sex, I get validation. Or there may be someone that giving off the need that they need someone to save them from something, right? And then a man will come in and take advantage of that. So from the mental health perspective, those are the things that I usually see. I usually see uh an unusual attachment to the person. I see self-worth issues, I see them searching for conditional love because they got that from their childhood. They always have to perform, perform, perform. As well as I do see some women who become because of their childhood now, their obsession becomes uncontrolling. They don't want the person to leave, right? Because they've always been abandoned. Where are you going? Who are you texting? Why are you late at night? So those are some of the mental health concerns that I see with women.

SPEAKER_00 16:14

Well, and that last one, you're trying to get them to stay, but you're actually pushing them away. So that's a rough one. Do you have any hard and fast rules about women and dating and when they do go in the bedroom and that kind of thing?

SPEAKER_03 16:30

Yeah,

Non‑Negotiables Before The Bedroom

SPEAKER_03 16:31

yeah. First thing is don't tell me about it. Terrain had sex. Okay, thank you. That's a conversation, right? But before the bedroom, I tell women, and some men are gonna hate me for this. I tell women that if you meet a man and he's not able to make you feel safe or secure, there is no second date until that is resolved. Right? I educate women that we're not I'm not here to help you date someone who's going to be on your sofa in his underwear with a hole in it, right? You may be attracted to that, the sex may be great, but that's something you're gonna learn on your own. So the first step is is he emotionally available? Can he express himself? I feel this, and because I feel this, I think this. Is he someone that if your car breaks down, he can be there either to help fix the car or he has the resources to get someone to fix the car? The third thing is he shouldn't be asking you for money. This is a big one. Women who struggle in relationships, many times, in my experiences, what they do now is because the person that they used to be with didn't support them in the way that they need to be supported, they gotta take care of themselves. Single mothers struggle with this, right? I gotta take care of me and my kid. I gotta be the provider, I gotta be this, right? So they're in that masculine energy. So when a man comes in now, Amy, can have five dollars? They're used to hearing that, right? You would say no, but someone would be like, okay, here's ten. Oh, can I borrow your car? Here's my car with the keys. Right? You don't want that type of man because that type of man has issues going on. The roles have switched. Right? He's become your second child.

SPEAKER_00 18:25

Right.

SPEAKER_03 18:27

Right? And then another thing that another rule that I have for women is he's supposed to treat you like you're the drool in his world. Right? When you go out, does he dress up or or is he in sweatpants and boots? Does he open the door for you? Does he acknowledge you? Do you enter the room first and then he comes in behind you? There's all these little things that you want to pick up. So those are the things that I treat that I teach women to understand that one, emotionally available. He has to be able to express his emotions, what he feels, and listen to yours. Right, because he's your safety. Two, he has to be able to make take care of you, make you feel safe. That could be financially, that could be mentally, that could be spiritually, that could be emotionally. And three, he has to have the ambition and the drive and the behaviors to treat you like you're the queen of this world. Because remember, he's supposed to go out there and pacify the world for you.

SPEAKER_02 19:27

And then you make the world, then you make the home safe and peaceful for him.

SPEAKER_00 19:33

I like that. So um w one thing I was thinking while you were talking about this is that a lot of women meet somebody and they see that maybe he's not the one for them, but they think they can change him, like if he loves them enough, he'll change for them. What do you have to say about that?

SPEAKER_03 19:52

Men and women can change. You're never too old to change and you're and you're and you're not ever too broken or unhealed or Hurt to change.

The Fixer Trap And Identity

SPEAKER_03 20:02

Now, if you're the type of person that's going to say, I'm going to change him, my question would be what is better served to you? Finding someone that meets the majority of your criteria or finding someone that's a project. I'm almost 40.

SPEAKER_02 20:19

I'm not here anymore to build a woman.

SPEAKER_03 20:25

Right? This is not a scrapbook, right? I'm not here to piece some Frankenstein woman together, right? I'm here to say, okay, these these are my these are my um my yeses, my no's, and how many of them do they meet? So to the women out there, if you're trying to fix someone, ask yourself why you're doing that. Right? Usually it's a f it usually comes from a place of scarcity. Well, if I don't fix him, is it gonna be someone else? Maybe they will, maybe they won't be. Two, you spent your entire time fixing, it's your baseline. I meet a man, I fix a man, and then he leaves. I meet a man, I fix a man, and then he leaves. Right? But who is fixing you? Or better yet, who is helping you to fix yourself?

SPEAKER_00 21:13

Wow, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 21:14

That's that's what I would ask them, and that's how I'd advise them.

SPEAKER_00 21:18

Okay. Good good points there. And I I was thinking when you said uh oh, it's it's I lost it, but you said something about wanting to fix a man and you fix them and they leave. I think a lot of women feel that way even when they they support them through college, they help them get their job, they support them and take care of the kids while they're rising up in the company, and then they find someone younger and they're gone. So yeah. It's hard out there. And I I find a lot of my friends um not only think they can fix a man, but they think that that that's their job. Like that makes them a good human being. Like who are they if they wouldn't stay around for that? Then does that make them a bad person that they're not accepting him as he is?

SPEAKER_03 22:18

That's a great question, right? And you said something that was very important to me was who am I if I don't do that? That goes back to the identity.

SPEAKER_02 22:26

Right?

SPEAKER_03 22:27

Is it that when you're in a relationship, your identity is to fix people? I'm the handyman or handy woman, I'm the craftsman. That is my identity in relationships. Where I my identity in relationship is to provide safety and security. I'm not here to fix the woman I date or to fix my current partner, right? And my partner's not there to fix me, like her identity is something else. So if you were to go into a situation saying that, okay, if I don't fix him, or if that's your identity, then you're always going to look for a pro um a a job. You're always going to work for someone who needs to be fixed. And then what does that do for you? It may make you feel good, you may feel a good person, but once you fix that person, or let's say that person becomes healed, what's the next step in the relationship? Right? Are you going to switch identity? Are you then going to be a loving partner? Are you then going to be what you need to be? So these are questions I would ask people, and you raise a good point. I'll I would listen to what they're saying and say, okay, if you're taking on that identity, where is that coming from? Right? Or what do you think is the more healthy identity of a relationship? And I would go from there.

SPEAKER_00 23:48

Oh, that's great. What do you think about when um someone's coming out fresh out of a bad relationship?

Healing After Breakups Without Rebounds

SPEAKER_00 23:57

Should they spend time alone and really work on themselves? And how long should they do that?

SPEAKER_03 24:02

That's a good question. Um the length of time is gonna probably depend on the severity. Let's say if there's abuse, right? You probably want to take quite a bit more time than someone that was like maybe a mutual breakup. Um, but when it comes to advising how much time they they should take, I think you should look at it and say what is it that I went through that's my responsibility? Because when two people break up, it's a responsibility of both people. Both people have failed in something, and then you have to take enough time for yourself to resolve that and come up with a plan. So what I would say is probably gonna take months, and during that month time, no sex. Okay, don't be one of those people that's well, you know what, Trent, I'm gonna take time to rediscover myself, and then you're sleeping with half the neighborhood. Really? Are you read are are you rediscovering your bedroom? Right, right? The paint, the paint on the wall, the different sheets from neighborhood to neighborhood, house to house. So take that time because we can get caught up very easily in the emotions of intimacy. And when we do, it clouds what we need to do because instead of resolving some of our issues, we can say, Okay, I'm trying to fix myself terrain, but I feel lonely. Johnny down the street. Every time I go put up the garbage in my little nighty, he says, Oh, you look so nice today. Let me go entertain that. So you want to take some time and just say, I'm going to close off everything. And I'm just going to be with myself. I'll give you an example. I had a couple years ago, I had a really bad breakup before the pandemic. Um, we got into a big, we're on vacation in Bali. We got into a big fight in the restaurant in Bali. So anyone who knows Bali, it's probably a second or third world country. They're not used to women yelling at men in public. She went off in public, so everyone's looking around. She's dropping F-bombs. And the argument was about, well, scary. I want to jump on the next flight, and I still had two weeks on this vacation left. Um it was about she raised something that um men objectify women. And I said, I agree. I do think that men do objectify women in a lot of instances. And then I said, but there's also the case that women objectify themselves, like OnlyFans, things like that, right? So she agreed, but then I guess after a while she decided to lose her cool. So I share that because when that relationship ended, I had to rediscover what I really wanted because I thought there was elements of what I wanted in that partner. But what I found out is that I didn't do enough research or understanding, and I ignored some of the yellow flags, which eventually became red flags. And that's what we have to do after a breakout. We have to say, okay, why did this relationship end? And because of cheating. Okay, perfect. Why did this person cheat? They felt that I didn't do this, okay. Understand what's going on, how you could resolve it so it doesn't happen again. And that's what I did. So when I entered my next relationship, I understood that I needed to make sure that I had a better conversation in the beginning to identify the type of behavior I want in a woman. And the next person I dated didn't have the aggression, didn't have the profanity. But that took a couple months. So that's why I was saying it depends on what caused the breakup, how much you are hurt, and how much work do you need to put on it to make sure that you don't repeat it in someone else.

SPEAKER_00 27:52

Yeah, that's smart. Uh going back to you said something about being lonely in between relationships, but I found that one of the loneliest times I've ever been was in a relationship. So it can it can definitely go both ways, and and that's probably why I'm still to this day, I'm happy just being me. Me and my kids. So maybe someday.

SPEAKER_03 28:19

No, don't rush it. Like it's you could be very lonely in a relationship, to your point. Like you could be with someone and you're like, and you probably maybe look back and you're like, wow. That went longer than it should.

SPEAKER_00 28:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 28:33

Right.

SPEAKER_00 28:34

Yeah. Yeah, I totally get that. That's how it was. So would you like to cover anything that we haven't talked about yet?

Where To Meet Value‑Aligned Partners

SPEAKER_03 28:42

Yeah, like one thing I would like to share is um, and I and I touch on this just because I think it's very important for women to understand, or even men, let's say men and women, over the age of, let's say, 30 and 40. I like to say that for every 10 years, 20s, 30s, 40s, and 50s and beyond, find out what brings value to you. So in our 20s, a lot of times we think it's our looks. Things are your skin is as tight as it ever is going to be, your skin is as soft as it's going to be, your hair is going to be as full as it's going to be. Then after your 30s, you're like, okay, I'm starting to get into my job, I might have a little bit of stress in my face. Find things in your life that's going to bring your value up, right? But as you get older, make sure it is, let's say, your behavior, how you treat people, how you treat yourself. Forget about the toys. And I share that because I don't want men and women, especially women, to get trapped in thinking that their looks and their youth is the only source of value. Because if you're going to say that, as you get in your forties, fifties, and sixties and your looks begin to fade, does that mean you're going to be unworthy of love, unworthy of companionship? So I don't want women or men to fall into that trap.

SPEAKER_00 29:58

Right. Yeah, that's a bad place to be. So when you're mentioning that um you sometimes women would feel like um they need to find a man in a certain location or or they need to have certain aspects they're looking for. Do you recommend that they go certain places to look for men? Or do you think that it depends on what things they like to do or Well, yeah, like I love sushi, right?

SPEAKER_03 30:29

I can have sushi every single day, Amy. I love it. Right? What I would recommend to people is that where you find the person or where you see people, it's usually a hobby. So if you see one at a club, it's usually a hobby unless it's a one-off, right? So I'm removing the one-off. If you're looking for someone that's gonna be family-oriented, are they going to be at a club or at a bar at two, three o'clock in the morning? Maybe not. Would they be at the grocery store, the museum, the library, will they be at social events? Do they spend time during the day?

SPEAKER_02 31:08

Right?

SPEAKER_03 31:08

Right? There's a saying the freaks come out at night.

unknown 31:13

Right?

SPEAKER_03 31:13

There's a reason why that's a thing, right? So you want to avoid that type of person. So I coach women to say, okay, let's identify where the people who are family-oriented are going. And these are the things, right? Like they're going to have to shop and they're going to be out in public at 11 a.m., 12 a.m. The ones who are running games, you won't see them during the day because they're still trying to recover from the nights before.

SPEAKER_00 31:39

Oh, good. Yeah, I wouldn't have even thought of that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 31:43

Yeah. So that's how I advise them to make sure your everyday life is where you're going to see them. Like a lot of people I dated was everyday life, it was just me going out and asking. And women out there, don't be afraid to ask. If you're interested in someone, hey, you know what? Show interest. Right? It's not the days of going to the farmer's market at 2 p.m. and you dropping your handkerchief and the man picks it up and gives it to you and asks you out. That's over. There's no more five cent ferries. There's hardly any farmers' markets. And I haven't seen a woman who asked in a in a drop a handkerchief in quite some time. So we have to adapt with this times, right?

SPEAKER_00 32:21

Yes. Speaking

Dating Apps: Filters, Costs, Tradeoffs

SPEAKER_00 32:22

of adapting with the times, where does online and like things like match.com play into that?

SPEAKER_03 32:28

Well run, run, and run some more. No, I'm joking. Um, what you could do is free dating apps I find to be um discouraging to women, right? Because they probably I have a few female friends that are on it. They get bombarded with so many messages. I don't know if you're you're you're I don't know if you've had any experience with Amy, but it's a lot of lot of messaging, right? When you go to the paid ones, you filter out what TLC, the RB group used to call the scrubs. Right. You filter because they don't have money. They're broke. Right. Right? Like the people who play the games in general, they're broke. They don't have the money to do all that, right? So you filter them out. There's someone I used to work with, she went on a paid dating app, she met her husband that way, and they have like, I think, a kid and live, they live happily ever after in their castle and things like that. But I don't have an issue with dating apps. I tried dating apps many years ago. I didn't like it because um I felt that I had to perform on the date because there's so many dates that I would go on that I'd find something new to the point where I tell you, Amy, I was just like, you know what? I'm not even being creative anymore. I'm going to the same restaurant, same location. It was so bad, Amy, that even the server at the restaurant, she's like, Oh, do you want your usual table? That's how often I was there. Then when my my my day of the time, she kind of looked around. I was like, Oh yeah, I take my my team here from work. I was like, Whew, thank the good lord. I was quick on my feet, right?

SPEAKER_02 34:05

But you run into that issue with dating apps which truly is in general the bottom of the barrel. Right? It's the men that you even in a drunken state, you still have enough sense.

SPEAKER_00 34:23

Yeah, those are to be like, no, no, and yeah, those rose-colored glasses aren't rosy enough.

SPEAKER_03 34:32

Yeah, it's like those. Have you ever seen those commercials, like the mad commercials where they where you're driving and they put the bottles in front of the the windshield and it gets blurry and blurry? Yeah, it's like it's it's like that, right? Like when you see this person, right? When you when you're sober and it's clear, you're like, oh my god, you'd run. But when you get the the bottle of beer, it becomes blurry. They go from like um Igor to like Brad Pitt. And you're like, okay.

SPEAKER_01 34:59

Right?

SPEAKER_03 35:00

And then the next morning you're like, ah, what is that in my house?

SPEAKER_00 35:06

Now my son got my son got very lucky, and he found his wife and the mother of his children. They've been together ten years, now they just celebrated ten years. He actually found her on a free dating app. I don't know how he did it, but they were young and it worked out. So so far, so good.

SPEAKER_03 35:27

I love that. Hearing success stories, like you can find success literally anywhere, to be very honest. It's just if you're going to play um the numbers, as they say, right? Or if you're going to say, okay, what is my greatest opportunity to find success? It doesn't necessarily go to be the app. Like there's you hear success stories, but you want to make sure that, okay, I'm getting older. Um, I have baggage. We all have baggage, right? Relationship trauma, relationship mental health issues. Where do I want to spend my time and energy in? And you want to make sure that it's high success rate. And unfortunately, it doesn't seem like dating apps have that versus in the wild, in the jungle, right? You can find out you can find quite a bit more success.

SPEAKER_00 36:16

That makes sense.

Aging, Value, And Redefining Attraction

SPEAKER_00 36:18

All right. Well, Terrain, I really enjoyed having you here today. What would you like to leave our listeners with today? A little bit of word of advice to just uh light them up today, give them some hope.

SPEAKER_03 36:29

Yes, you are worth it. Love doesn't expire. You can find it in your 20s, you can find it in your 80s. And remember to always identify what you want to start doing, what do you want to stop doing, what do you need to overcome. Sometimes we are our own worst enemy. And what is it that you want to acknowledge about yourself? Because you want to continue to build yourself up, because it is your responsibility to fill up your cup, and then when you go out there, you're gonna find success. Because remember, if you don't love yourself in the way that you want to be loved, you can't go out there and ask or expect someone else to. So start with yourself, love yourself, and let's get you some happiness.

SPEAKER_00 37:13

Oh, I love that. All right, great. Well, thank you, Terrain. This has been wonderful. I've learned a lot. So thank you for coming on today.

SPEAKER_03 37:21

Thank you, Amy. The pleasure is all mine, and I always appreciate the conversations I have with you. So thank you.