Mind Over Masculinity
Let’s stop asking men to "man up" and start asking how we can lift them up. After all, mental health is not just a women’s issue or a men’s issue—it’s a human issue.
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Mind Over Masculinity
Redefining Fatherhood: Embracing Resilience and Integrity for Personal Growth and Connection
What if fatherhood was a skill that could be refined just like any profession? Join us for an enlightening conversation with Alain Dumonceaux
, a father who transitioned from being career-focused to recognizing the invaluable joy of family time. Alain candidly shares his personal struggles in connecting with his sons and the mental health challenges that arose from prioritizing work over family. Through his heartfelt storytelling, he reveals the importance of shifting self-defeating narratives and viewing fatherhood as a journey of continuous learning and effective communication. This episode offers a refreshing perspective on fatherhood, urging us to embrace growth with dedication and integrity.
Rebuilding after personal setbacks is never easy, but Alain's journey from divorce and bankruptcy to reconnecting with his youngest son offers a roadmap for resilience. He opens up about using modern communication tools like Facebook Messenger to bridge emotional gaps, highlighting the need for adapting our communication styles. Alain emphasizes that true integrity isn't about perfection but about aligning our actions with our core values across various aspects of life. His experiences remind us that integrity is both an inherent trait and a skill honed over time. Whether you’re a father striving to rebuild connections or someone seeking to live with greater purpose, Alain’s insights inspire us to leverage our strengths and approach life’s challenges with unwavering resilience.
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where we dismantle the stereotypes, confront challenges and reimagine what it means to be a man in today's world. And today's episode is a powerful, deep dive into the uncharted waters of failing fatherhood, overcoming adversity and living with the integrity.
Speaker 2:So joining us is the incredible Alain de Montchalix. Welcome to the show, Alain. Thank you so much for having me on the show today. Abhik, I'm looking forward to our conversation. Lovely, lovely. Thank you so much for having me on the show today, Abhik.
Speaker 1:I'm looking forward to our conversation, lovely, lovely. So, dear listeners, before we start our conversation today, I'd quickly love to introduce you to Alan. So, dear listeners, alan is a man who's walked through fire and come out tempered with the purpose, Like from the highs of the culinary Olympics to the crushing lows of losing it all twice, he has rebuilt his life, and with the intention and integrity so he is the purposeful action for I'll say action mentor for the awakened man movement and his program. Awakened man movement and his program, the return of the king, is helping men everywhere embark on their hero's quest. So grab a seat, get ready, because we are peeling back the layers on what it truly means to show up for yourself, for your family and for your community. So welcome to the show again.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much, looking forward to having our conversation, lovely lovely.
Speaker 2:So, alan, you have spoken about the challenges of failing as a father, but if you can share what that looked like for you, I mean how it impacted your mental health- yeah, so as a young man, I was very focused on goals and achieving things in life, and so one of the things that I thought that was really important was to focus on my career, because I felt that, as long as I was taking care of my family and providing for them, that that was the most important task as a father, and that that was the most important task as a father.
Speaker 2:But what I failed to recognize is that time time with my family is just as important, and maybe even more.
Speaker 2:And so, while I was on this quest to be everything that I could be in my professional life, what it ultimately ended up by costing me was a connection to my two sons.
Speaker 2:And so today as this is more than 20, almost 30 years ago now that today I have my oldest son struggles with making healthy choices around drugs and alcohol, and so him and I are estranged, and so we have a really difficult relationship, and my youngest son, him and I, have just started to connect, but I found myself, through these 25 plus years, of really not being able to figure out how to connect with my two boys. And so what really made me reassess about what was truly and what is truly important in life and because of that, I felt that my life wasn't as fulfilled and it surely isn't. And I think for a lot of us men. We get focused on one aspect of our life. We feel that if we are this provider, that then we are doing everything that we can do, and the reality of it is that there's so much more to being a father than just bringing home a paycheck exactly, exactly.
Speaker 1:So I mean looking back. What would you say to the version of yourself who felt like he was failing? So how did you begin to rebuild that relationship with yourself and your children?
Speaker 2:Well, the first thing I looked at is really starting to change the vocabulary that I was using in my mind and using things in terms like that I was that I am failing, and even though, as we were getting prepared to come on today's episode, I talked about failing fatherhood because I think for for at least for me, my experience was is that was how I was seeing it that I was a failure, and the moment that we look at this being as a failure, it can either allow us to put us in a position where we're either going to propel us forward or it's going to hold us back, and I will suggest that it was more the latter for me for a long time, because I looked at how could I be so successful in one aspect of my life and yet, as a father, fail, and fail miserably. But the truth of the matter is, is that it wasn't that it was failing is as I didn't have the skill set that I needed to develop, and so the moment that I recognized that, well, I wasn't. I wasn't talented as a chef when I first started into the business, had to learn skills, likewise as being a father. There are skills we need to learn. What are those skills.
Speaker 2:So skills are communication. Skills are being able to have and share space with our children to allow them to grow and mature, and really being able to learn how to communicate and how to touch them in a way that they will understand what it is we're talking about. What I mean by that is my youngest son. Our relationship was rekindled through Facebook Messenger Because, guess what? That's the way that he wanted to be communicated and that's how I could reach out and touch him in a way that would resonate, whereas for me I would rather have sat down with him one-on-one, but he just didn't seem to have the time in the beginning. Today, our relationship is much different, but it's taken two to three years to rebuild and rekindle what that relationship looks like, and so I think for me it was really you know, to circle back to your question it was really about changing my vocabulary and the meaning of some of the words that I was using to give me an opportunity to propel me forward versus holding me back.
Speaker 1:Wow, I mean, it's so powerful to hear about self-forgiveness. I mean, I think a lot of men struggle with being compassionate towards themselves, so that's great. That's great. And integrity as a lifetime living with integrity is definitely central to your work. But integrity often gets tested during life's toughest moments, so how do you stay anchored to it?
Speaker 2:Oh, that's a great question, abhik, and I really love this topic about integrity and because this year of 2025, we're focusing on living with integrity in my men's work, and it's important for us to recognize that being in integrity doesn't mean that we are going to be perfect human beings.
Speaker 2:As a matter of fact, it's going to reveal to us the amount of times that we are being imperfect, and there's so much power behind that, because now, at least, we have something to align ourselves to.
Speaker 2:How is it? Do I want to show up in the different aspects of our life, and so, for us, we focus on six core pillars financial, emotional, physical, spiritual, professional in our relationships, and so when we start and focus in any one of those areas and what you know we ask, I ask our group members is to focus on one aspect, and they're starting to trickle in already as we get ready to start our conversations this year, and I think it's about being real, about where we actually are showing up in all these different aspects and then focusing on an area that's truly important to us for me, it's been relationships, as I started our conversation today is what are the ways that I can show up differently or how do? I wish to show up, and so one of the questions I ask our guys is when you figure, when you determine what your pillar is.
Speaker 2:I want you to complete this sentence. I'm the kind of man who who shows up as a physical and physical as your ass is your pillar who makes healthy choices around food, who exercises regularly, who drinks three liters of water a day, whatever it is for you that you envision what this person would look like. Then you can start to take steps towards that and you'll find out real quick how much out of alignment you are on any given day. And I think these are the key things. It isn't about trying to be perfect. It's about us understanding of when we're coming off the path and we can have a true North Star now to bring us back into alignment with who we say we are, Because I think when we live with integrity.
Speaker 2:It raises our spirits, raises the level we show up in. We have a healthier mindset towards who we are, because we see the positive more than the negative in our life.
Speaker 1:Wow, lovely. And do you think that integrity is something men are born with, or is it a skill that we develop over time through conscious effort?
Speaker 2:Man, that's a great question. You know, I think there are aspects of our life where we naturally fall into integrity. You know, I think there are pieces. You know, for me, self-development and reading and mental health have been things that are easier for me to do than, say, being staying true to my physical pillar. And so when I think about the emotional aspect of my life and how I show up that is tends to be easier I ask myself is well, what are the habits, what are the things that I'm doing in this one pillar that seems to be natural, almost inherent, built into me, and what are those? What's happening there and what does that skill look like? And so a lot of that, for me, is really about the mindset, like the chatter that's happening. And so what am I telling myself? Hey, this would be fun to go learn a little bit more about a certain aspect about my life. And so picking up a book.
Speaker 2:For me, spirituality has also been really powerful in the last, especially the last couple of years, and you know, I've come back to starting to read, read scripture and and other other scriptures from around the world, because I have this inherent need and desire to connect with something greater than myself. And so how about changing that or using that language for my physical health? Instead of thinking about, oh, I'm too tired, oh it's too much work, these are the kinds of conversations I would have myself. I say instead, say, boy, wouldn't this be fun. And yes, it's a bit of a drag, but it takes the edge off enough that allows me to at least make the the first step, or the step into that physical pillar, and I think that's what's important. It's about looking at where things flow naturally for you in life and how can you take those, those parts, those skills, and apply them to an area that you struggle in. That will allow you to be able to build on that a little bit more.
Speaker 1:Exactly. I mean, I love that perspective, like integrity is as a practice rather than a trait, so that's great, yeah. And also like you have rebuilt your life after divorce, bankruptcy and near collapse. So what's been your guiding principle through those rebuilding phrases?
Speaker 2:Well, for me, really, the principle was focusing on, you know, what can I do today? One thing today that would help move me forward, what can I do today? One thing today that would help move me forward. The big picture, part of the challenge with us as men is that when we look at doing goal setting, we can be very linear in our thinking. You know, this is we've got to do steps one, two and three, but sometimes we get focused on that far-reaching goal, what the end goal will look like.
Speaker 2:And while I believe in that aspect, nothing will change for that until I focus on what can I do today.
Speaker 2:And so every day when I wake up is I wake up with some sense of intention, what is my focus to be today? And so this morning, as we're getting ready to prepare for our interview, I was up a little bit earlier, had an opportunity to meditate, listen to some prayer, just to get centered and be here available for you, as the best that I can and I think that has been a really driving key for me is the days that I truly take time to set intention for how the day I wish the day to unfold puts me into alignment with evolving into that man that I aspire to become, and I think it's key that when we do that, life unfolds much more fluidly for us. It unfolds more in alignment with who we are, versus flying from the seat of our pants. And I think for a lot of times for many of us in the different pillars, we tend to do that we just fly from the seat of our pants wow, I mean, um, were there there moments when you wanted to give up?
Speaker 1:and if so, then how did you push through?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think those moments even exist today. I think we'd be lying to ourselves if we felt that there was never, ever going to be a point in time when we will ever feel like I want that I'll never need to give up. I think it's in those moments that have we built, have we started to build the skill set and maybe you're early in your journey, haven't quite built that skill set and that desire is that's when you look for the skills in the areas of your life that you tend to flourish more. Your life is effortless. And focusing on those moments of when, the, where there's effort, effortless effort, and that feeling, and really anchoring that into who we are, and then taking that piece, that anchoring and that feeling, and taking a small step towards what it is that you're, you're aspiring to become again it's, it's really about shifting, about where we're sitting, and for me there was this. This took a long time. I won't, you know. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that. You know that it was, that it happened naturally and over and quickly.
Speaker 2:I found myself when I would catch myself in these low, the lowest parts of my life. In the beginning it would be days, two, three days and thankfully for me, I never experienced it more than two or three days. But I know there are men out there that this can be something that drags them down for a week, maybe even longer. But I encourage you that when you start and you recognize that, hey, I'm in this pit, I'm really in the pit of despair and I don't want to be there anymore, that that's your cue to start to think back to the areas of your life that bring joy and happiness to you. Because it is in that moment that you start to think back to the areas of your life that bring joy and happiness to you, because it is in that moment that you start to find the ladder to crawl to climb out of this pit. And when we do that climb, then we can start to move forward to the next piece. And what you'll find over over the course of time as you do this work, that that time between recognizing when you're in the pit and climbing out becomes a little shorter and shorter.
Speaker 2:And so for me now it's no longer days. You know it's. It could be an hour, sometimes it's half a day, but the moment that I recognize that, I know now that, hey, wait a sec. That's not the truth of who I am. Why am I telling myself that I'm, that I'm failing? I'm telling my this? All that because I have an expectation. Otherwise something should have turned out. And we know what expectations are right. They're just premeditated disappointments. And so when a moment that I can release the expectation of the, the moment, then life isn't as more, isn't as challenging, and then I can look at okay, here's where I am in the, in this moment, what's, what's the thing that I could do today, right now, that would move me one step forward? And the moment that I start to think that way, then I can start to make a plan and begin to execute it and slowly we start to work our way towards moving from all of this pain, living in this pit, really starting to flourish and grow as men.
Speaker 1:Wow, lovely and also, like in your work, how important is building a sense of community and brotherhood among men.
Speaker 2:I think it's one of the missing keys, the missing links in life is that we've moved away from once we get a little bit older, and if you're not into the sports environment, even the sports environment it's a good analogy of you know the guys that have been in sports. You know one of the things they always say is what they miss the most was the locker room, the opportunity to bond with other men, and I think that's so important in all aspects of life, and so what I try to do with my work is create an environment where men can come together and we can talk and work through things that we're going through. Not all of us are working through the same things, but we're all on a similar journey. We're all aspiring to be better fathers, better, better husbands, better leaders yes, excuse me.
Speaker 2:And so community is a great way for us to learn what healthy masculinity looks like.
Speaker 2:It learns how to be able to hold space, this weird idea for men of what does it look like to be silent as another man is sharing and being able to accept what it is that he's saying not necessarily agree, but to accept it, to be there for them, because the moment that we come, we are off our off our mother or father's lap, men tend to not have the same type of physical and emotional attention that, uh, as boys.
Speaker 2:And then as we get older, you know, we learn to be more, to learn to live without that. And so we know and community is a great way for us to bring that environment back together that we can be held and know that somebody can see what I'm saying, can hear what I'm saying and be able to and maybe even resonate with some of that, with what I'm saying, so that we can then grow as men and learn and from each other and learn a different perspective, because all of us come obviously with different life experiences. But community is a way to do that and I think there's just not a better way to do to grow as men than to be involved in a community.
Speaker 1:Perfect. That's lovely, yeah, great. So it's incredible, like, how much strength we can draw from other men. So, yeah, great. So that's an incredible journey that we have explored with alan, dear listeners, from the struggles of failing fatherhood to the triumph of living with the integrity, and today's conversation reminded us that adversity is not the end and it's the beginning of something transformative. So, if you are feeling inspired, do not not stop here. Check out Alan's the Return of the King program and take that first step towards your hero's quest, and remember that the hardest part is starting, but the most rewarding part is becoming. So until next time, this is your host, avik, reminding you that masculinity isn't about perfection. It's about the purpose, growth and the authenticity. So let's keep building together. Thank you so much.
