Overcoming Trauma: Embracing Vulnerability and Resilience for Personal Growth and Redefining Masculinity with Dr. Stephan Neff

Ever wondered how the challenges of the past shape the men we become today? Join me as I sit down with Dr. Stephan Neff, a renowned anesthetist and mental health advocate, who bravely shares his incredible journey from overcoming a violent assault to becoming a beacon of healing and hope. Dr. Neff's story is a testament to the power of confronting trauma and the role vulnerability plays in redefining masculinity. Through his own experiences with PTSD, martial arts, and alcohol, Dr. Neff reveals the transformative path to recovery and the critical message that seeking help is a hallmark of strength, not weakness.

Our conversation shines a light on the profound impact of adverse childhood experiences, both on mental health and the broader aspects of our lives. We discuss the pervasive influence media and societal norms have on shaping unhealthy coping mechanisms and the importance of embracing roles that foster balance and growth. Through personal insights, I share how comparing oneself to who they were yesterday, instead of to others, leads to authenticity and resilience. Techniques like Havening and challenging negative self-talk become powerful tools for nurturing self-compassion and emotional growth.

The episode underscores the essence of connection and the unexpected insights that arise from shared journeys. Dr. Neff and I explore how small, consistent actions can lead to monumental changes, advocating for a life of self-acceptance and incremental improvement. As we wrap up, we emphasize the significance of taking those first steps towards healing, inspired by S

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Chapters

• 0:07 Redefining Masculinity Through Healing
• 14:48 Personal Growth Through Facing Trauma
• 25:07 Techniques for Self-Compassion and Growth
• 36:38 Empowering Men Through Healing Journeys
• 44:13 Taking Steps Towards Healing

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:07

Hey everyone, welcome back to Mind Over Masculinity, the show where we redefine what it means to be a man in today's world, by diving deep into the things that actually matter mental health, vulnerability, purpose and the power of transformation. Vulnerability, purpose and the power of transformation. I'm your host Avik, and today's guest has lived through some incredible challenges and come out the other side stronger, more intentional and ready to help others to do the same. So joining me is Dr Stephen Neff. So welcome to the show, dr Stephen.

Speaker 2: 0:42

Thank you so much, avik. It is an honor and a privilege to be a guest on your show. I want to thank you for creating this opportunity, this platform to help men redefine masculinity to what it really should be. Nowadays, there is so much confusion when it comes to masculinity, yet ultimately, what it really means is leadership, is integrity, is authenticity, a degree of vulnerability, but yet showing leadership in doing so. And I think, if we can redefine it like that, suddenly we have got opportunities to develop ourselves and move forward.

Speaker 1: 1:28

Exactly, I totally agree on this, and also I'd quickly love to introduce you to all the listeners. Dear listeners, Dr Stephen Neff is an anesthetist, bestselling author, mental health advocate and the host of the inspiring podcast, Neff Inspiration. So his story is powerful, raw and the perfect example of turning personal pain into purpose, and today we are going to unpack not only his battles with PTSD, depression and alcoholism, but also his healing journey and the wisdom that he has gained along the way. So get ready, dear listeners, for a conversation that will touch on self-love, resilience and why every man needs to learn that asking for help is a sign of strength, not the weakness. So, Stephen, welcome to the show again, and it's really an honor to have you here.

Speaker 2: 2:27

Oh, thank you so much, and you have touched already upon so many points. Where shall we start? This is such a challenging journey. Where would you like to start?

Speaker 1: 2:41

Exactly. So I'll start with your journey, because it's really quite the journey like from battling addiction and the trauma and to become boys for healing. So I mean, if you can share, like, what did trauma look like for you before you recognized it as a trauma?

Speaker 2: 3:00

that's a very good question. Uh, I guess the big defining moment happened one evening when I was a teenager. A young teenager came out of a bar in the close in the vicinity and they had nothing else to do, so they put some beer over me and before I could say something I was beaten up, lying on the ground and bleeding, and it was quite a very invasive kind of moment in my life. I was completely not prepared. I had never really been, I had no idea about martial arts, I had no idea about anything. Really I was a little kid and it completely changed me.

Speaker 2: 4:03

And you were saying about the core beliefs that were laid down. I think that evening, in the first instance, there was some knife involved and I still don't know why I'm not more dangerously hurt at that moment. But one way or the other, the train arrived with dead witnesses arrived and the assault stopped. I went into the train and no one gave a damn. I was bleeding and no one really said anything. So there a core belief was laid down in my mind see, no one is helping you, you're going to be alone, you have to do whatever is necessary. As it so happened, I actually brought later I brought the gang leader behind bars only for three years for the assault, but he threatened me and said I will kill you when I get discharged. So in my 1980s lethal weapon, die hard, bruce Willis, mel Gibson, kind of thinking it was clear to me I've got three years before there's going to be a life and death fight waiting for me. And so I started training. So I threw myself into martial arts. My bruises had barely healed and I completely threw myself into this new kind of Bruce Lee ninja lifestyle. And I went to school and then after school I trained four hours and very quickly my skills rose and my body changed from this potchy little teenager to Rambo basically. And so the next five years were very dark. I had, with hindsight I had PTSD, but this was in the 70s, I mean after the Vietnam War. Barely anyone knew much about PTSD, so therefore it was not recognized and in my mind I became the lone wolf, the ramble really. And that continued for about five years. So a very dark time in my life.

Speaker 2: 6:08

And then, after five years, I went to university in a different town and then the magic happened. First of all, I realized no one will ever find me. That was a different town and the sky will never, ever get to me. Secondly, I discovered girls. And thirdly, I discovered alcohol, and the alcohol was such a phenomenal experience. It was in our first year at university. I was sitting with two friends on a Saturday afternoon sitting in a beer garden and I had a stein of beers or a liter of beer and we were talking and suddenly I heard this belly laughter and I turned around and looked where's this belly laughter coming from? And it actually came out of me. Now, I had not laughed for five years and, in all fairness, they had beaten all my front teeth out, and as a teenager you don't get permanent teeth implanted. They wait until you're 18. So I had these kind of substandard teeth that from now on then were falling out.

Speaker 2: 7:16

And you know I was not laughing, I was not grinning, I was, you know, in my dark world and suddenly there was this dopamine rush of love coming out, and my brain forever linked the dopamine rush of the alcohol with good times, with beautiful things wow with love to. Everything was so beautiful, and that is a very powerful memory. So to everyone who's listening out there and who is maybe drinking too much, guys, it's very likely that the reason that you are drinking is that you are treating a pain or treating something that you might not even be aware of. But alcohol is not a problem, it's a solution for a long time. So many of us are trying to escape our reality with alcohol, with drugs, with sex, with sugar, with gambling, with scrolling six, eight hours on YouTube or whatever your social media is. We are very easily falling prey to these kind of escape mechanisms, and I was the classic example for that and I never realized it until really many decades later really only about eight years or so ago I suddenly realized that I have got PTSD, because prior to that I had all the hallmarks, but I had nicely reframed them.

Speaker 2: 8:53

As a doctor, I was very good in my job because I was hyper-aroused it's very difficult for you to catch me out and therefore that was a positive thing in my job and I became focused on trauma. So I became an instructor for trauma, as in as in, really, what happens if you're smashed up or when your major burns or any kind of emergency. I became a instructor for courses that taught doctors how to deal with such scenarios. So here I was, again not recognizing that I needed to be in control as much as possible in my life. So there are clear trauma responses that were playing out in my subconscious and that I was not aware of.

Speaker 2: 9:47

And when you're living this kind of life of being 110%, well, guess what? You can't be 110% all the time. So inevitably, sooner or later, you will fall a little bit short and that's automatically you're a failure. So whilst I was on the outside, this kind of go-getter, this collector of accolades and highly successful on the inside, I was constantly searching for external validation. I never stopped to celebrate.

Speaker 2: 10:22

I remember passing a big exam in the morning and had a quick lunch, and then at one o'clock in the afternoon, I was sitting already in the preparation room for the next exam two years later. I never learned to celebrate. It was always go, go, go, go, go, always go, go, go, go, go. And I think this is again such a a classic theme when you talk to many people who fall prey of alcohol or other addictive traits because we are running away. Ultimately, I guess I was a workaholic long before I was an alcoholic or any other holic, so I think there is so much there and when you're in there you just keep going, going, going, going going. I think if anyone out there says, ooh, that sounds like me. Hello, welcome to the brotherhood.

Speaker 1: 11:16

Yeah, exactly, I mean what you just said about masking the pain really hints home. Definitely, and I think so many men, like myself included, definitely are taught to power through and never listen to a year struggle, absolutely, yeah, but we all hit a point where the past cracks and really appreciate you sharing how that moment led you to change. That's, that's really a learning, definitely. Yeah, so, um, and also, like you have mentioned, uh, this line before that, um, I tried to drown my demons but they could swim, so they could swim. Oh, yeah, and that's it, oh it's a fact, isn't it?

Speaker 2: 12:08

it is, we are, and I was very much in a victim role, and in this victim role it's a vicious circle. It's a toxic, toxic environment. Look what they did to me. Oh, I'm going to show them. I'm going to drink a whole bottle of vodka, ha ha, that will show them. You know that kind of really stinking thinking and it's so bizarre with hindsight when you look at it from that, but I was clearly in this kind of victim role and I had never learned any other escape mechanisms, any other maybe more productive or less destructive mechanisms. So therefore it's really, really important that you begin to name it. What is really happening.

Speaker 2: 13:02

I think that was the biggest thing in my recovery. One of the biggest steps initially was that my case manager in rehab asked me to write a letter to an organization who I had held quite responsible for a lot of the pain that I had been suffering around about that time, and I blamed them for about everything, including world hunger and climate change. As an alcoholic, you never take responsibility. As an addict or as a victim, it's so easy to blame others and you completely disregard the roles that you have been playing in whatever is occurring. So one of these things that she did was to actually let me write this letter. And about four o'clock in the afternoon she said okay, we're going to meet tomorrow morning. Why don't you go into your room and write them a letter? Just put everything down that you think is wrong. And I went to town. I wrote it all down, pages and pages and pages, and it was all about someone else, about them. Look what they did to me. And then the next day I came there and she took the paper from me, looked at it for about a fraction of a second, then folded it up, put it to the side and said now let's talk about you. And I said, but, but, but, but, but no, no, we need to talk about this letter. I was so fixated I got really angry with her. But she had started, she had thrown a snowball and that snowball had begun to turn into an avalanche and I didn't see that coming.

Speaker 2: 14:48

So, with all the work that then followed, both in those early days in rehab and then later on, I mean this work continues now, this work of healing, this work of emotional intelligence, the shadow work, just seeing what is going on, what is actually driving you on a subconscious level. This is such powerful stuff, this is such brilliant stuff. When you suddenly really pull the band-aid off and really have a look, what is the trauma, or the many traumas, because life is a bitch. Many men out there have gone through actually quite a lot of nasty things. Many of us had adverse childhood experiences and many of them and we know, we have got very good data on that nowadays, where we can see the more adverse childhood experiences you have got from physical, sexual, emotional assault, slash, neglect and living in circumstances that you would not wish even on your worst enemy. Well, when you actually see what has happened to so many people out there and add that up and then compare them statistically, what is happening with you later on, the chances are phenomenal that you develop much earlier health problems such as obesity, such as those kind of other more lifestyle diseases quotation mark In other words, diabetes mellitus, obesity, the addiction, the whole addictive spectrum, hypertension, cardiovascular disease, etc. So all that is much, much increased, plus, of course, a much higher chance of you relying on alcohol or drugs to escape your pain again. And that is just from the childhood experiences. Leave then alone the other trauma that then comes on top of it and often enough, when we have not so great childhoods, we also have not great role models which have maybe shown us a good way how to deal with the pain.

Speaker 2: 16:52

What is happening if a little child falls off the bike? Typically, if mom is around or grandma is around, I say, oh, come on here, here's a cookie that will make you feel better. So automatically the child is getting linked up. Okay, pain and sugar, that's how you fix it, instead of mom or dad or grandma sitting down next to the child, give him a cuddle and say, yeah, okay, let's just wait for a moment and I really love you lots and it's all good, it's going to be fine.

Speaker 2: 17:24

We are not modeling that. We are modeling in a very innocent way that food equals a solution for the pain, and there are so many other examples of that out there. I mean we are led like lambs to the slaughter. We are the victims of a billion-dollar marketing industry. There was a beautiful study two years ago where they looked at two big streaming services of shows in the world and they analyzed 1,000 hours in each of the streaming services and looked how often alcohol was displayed in that, and they took the most successful shows, regardless what genre from history to whatever anything. The most successful shows, regardless what genre from history to whatever anything, the most successful ones, and just looked at them and on average, every three, three and a half minutes, alcohol was either used or displayed or shown, and that was in both. The incidence was about the same in both streaming services and, funnily enough, all the heroes in one streaming service seem to like beer and then in the other streaming service they like whiskey and no beer at all.

Speaker 1: 18:43

Funny that is isn't it?

Speaker 2: 18:45

So? The subliminal messaging, the advertisements us being really completely manipulated. That is happening constantly in and out. So what you see is basically you're coming onto this world, often under hard circumstances. Then there is more trauma out there. There are not the great role models out there that actually show you integrity and show you responsibility, show you good leadership. No, we are seeing basically a misleading by people who want to make money out of us, and that is really really hard. So we men are set up to fail.

Speaker 2: 19:26

So for all of you out there who are listening and watching now, guys, I feel for you because you're on the back foot. But then again, you are no longer the victims, because you're listening right now to this show and therefore you already have taken action. You're no longer the passive victim, but you're actually saying well, how can I get stronger? And you have already been much further than probably 95% of other men out there, because you have got this realization A I know I can be a better man. B Well, what are ways forward? And here we are talking about something very difficult Me being, I guess, a strong man and a leader. Yet I'm also here incredibly vulnerable, opening up to you about things that I'm really ashamed about, where I feel guilt, where I feel shame, where I feel maybe a degree of anxiety about it, and it is actually how bizarre it will sound. But I'm I'm glad that those things have happened to me and I'm glad that I've learned to be open and vulnerable and yet not yet just actually be just there to show up in life, warts and all, and to accept myself for who I was and love myself for the fact that every day I try to become a better man. I try not to compare myself to others out there. I think that's one of the worst things you can do. I think what you need to do is you need to actually compare yourself to the man that you were yesterday and see how much have you grown. And you might have focused really, really, really hard on one aspect of your life Let that be making money, or let that be your physical appearance Nothing wrong with either of them. But so often do we forget that we have got other roles, guilty as charged, I saw myself for the last three decades as the breadwinner. I focused so much on my job that I completely neglected to be the appropriate husband, the appropriate father. So I really fell short there because always the making money came first, my work came first. So I actually was incredibly disbalanced and nowadays I know that.

Speaker 2: 21:55

Nowadays I can recognize that there are certain pillars within you, within your roles Let it be the father or being the leader within your family husband, slash, lover, slash, partner with your wife or husband, whoever whatever your sexual orientation is. And there are many other roles out there and I have neglected quite a few of them. I've neglected for a long time to love myself, to assure that there is joy and passion in my life. I've recently gone through a divorce and I now have to say okay, who am I? Once you strip away the provider role, who am I? And that is a very powerful question. Well, it's only second to the more important question who do I want to become when I grow up? And I think that is the beautiful thing. It's again pointing towards the fact that we have got constantly other choices to make that might bring us further forward. You guys out there, wherever you are at right now in your development, there are so many more things that are waiting for you in your development and you might have not even recognized them, but this is where the future holds the key to your development. Your teachers will appear when the students are ready, and I guess you have to make many wrong choices in order to come to that point.

Speaker 2: 23:41

It is said that sometimes you win, sometimes you learn.

Speaker 2: 23:45

I had the chance to learn a lot and whilst I would not recommend the many hard lessons that I had to learn and the way I've learned them, I certainly accept it for what it was. That was my journey so far, and now I'm at a point where I can say, okay, let's go out there, let's actually share my story authentic, authentically and raw as it was and be open about it and be able to take it on the chin and say, yes, I have behaved in an addictive way that I'm certainly not proud of, but it was then what it was and I have learned from that. And because of the fact that I was not there for my wife and, in all fairness, she was not there for me, she did not meet my needs, I did not meet her needs. So therefore, once the kids had left the house, well, there was nothing left of our marriage and we ended up with a divorce. Now, that was incredibly painful, so new trauma occurred, but it also gave me the opportunity to revisit old coping mechanisms.

Speaker 2: 25:00

And I realized, nah, they're not for me, and I developed and strengthened new coping mechanisms. I, on purpose, went out there and learned, and learned new techniques that I had not known, did a course on radical self-compassion. That was one of the hardest courses I ever did and it was amazing because one of the exercises, for example, was to conjure up a negative emotion that you really don't like. And that was easy for me at the start of last year Fear. I was written by fear and ridden of uncertainty and it was very easy for that tsunami of fear to overwhelm me. And then the technique or the practice was to sit with that fear for five minutes and experience it. Now, these were the longest five minutes in my life. I assure you that Because here I am, I was the escape artist, I was the escape master. I would have run away with work, with alcohol, with whatever, to distract myself. No, I was sitting with that bloody fear and felt every sickening moment of it, every, every molecule of adrenaline pulsing for me. I felt, and then thereafter the task was to calm that fear down and to show myself love, to show myself radical self-compassion. And it was a beautiful exercise, it was one of the hardest things I've done. But once I got through that, I learned a lot about myself. I learned techniques to show myself love, to bring myself forward, bring myself forward. I always believed in Tony Robbins' statement that by you changing your physiology, your physical state, you can change your emotions. Now I forever have done that.

Speaker 2: 27:08

But I learned to employ quite specific triggers for a dopamine rush. And for those of you who can see me on the screen, what I'm doing right now I'm crossing my arms across my chest, I'm holding my shoulders really, really tight, I'm closing my eyes and now I'm squeezing as hard as I can. I really give myself a bear hug and I tell myself Stefan, I love you, you're an amazing man. Look what you have come through, man, I'm so proud of you. I love you to bits. You're an amazing dude. Don't give up, it will get better. Love you to bits. I just talk to myself with closed eyes and my lips are telling the words, but my ears are hearing it and my body feels it and I get this rush of dopamine coming out. I feel love. I have produced love to myself, something that maybe previously I needed a bottle or a bottle and a half of wine until I got that fleeting moment. That is not anywhere close to the amount of love I could create now in 15 seconds by this technique called Havening. So it's a beautiful technique and once you master it, once you learn it, you can do so much.

Speaker 2: 28:34

And there are many other techniques out there how you can interrupt an anxiety attack, how you get yourself, how you cross-examine thoughts of there is no hope. It's hopeless. You're a failure, you fat idiot. Look at you. No woman will ever want you. You're what you're an old man. Look at you.

Speaker 2: 28:57

These are the negative voices that so many of us have and that we actually believe. These are all lies. I've learned to cross-examine each of these voices for that. I've learned that I need to stop and think for a moment and feel for a moment and actually try to figure out. Okay, what's going on here, because we've got 80 000 thoughts a day. That's a hell of a lot of thoughts.

Speaker 2: 29:20

Now, 80 of them are negative and many of us just accept them for what they are. That's no surprise that we fear to go out there, fear to talk to that girl that we really have a crush on, but we don't dare to expose ourselves because, my goodness, what will happen. We fear that email that has come in from the boss. We fear everything. Fear is riding so much and so many of us out there and it's destroying so much and it's holding back so much and it's destroying so much and it's holding back so much and the more we can learn to live with these negative emotions, to embrace them, because it's like a wave in the ocean. You can hate that wave, you can shout at that wave and say I hate you wave. Go away, that wave doesn't care, it will just come. It's the same with a wave of neurochemicals that washes over your brain, this kind of anxiety, this kind of depression, that kind of sometimes even joy. You can't do anything about those things, they just come. But they come for a reason. If you learn to accept them, that they are waves, and you learn to accept them that they are probably messengers from your body, from your soul, from the universe, from a god, if you believe in them, these are all messages and if you can start to learn the language in which they come, you can learn from them. As an example, there is a mnemonic called HALT H-A-L-T.

Speaker 2: 31:02

Hungry, angry, lonely, tired. In the early days of my sobriety I could very much recognize where I am at by what I saw in front of me. As alcohol is concerned, you know, if I'm hungry and all the rest is good, I would barely think of alcohol the more I let the other things come to play. Then, suddenly, I could see this beautiful crystal glass with the condensation of the outside, because there's this ice, cold Chardonnay in there, or maybe another wine that I like. I could see it, I could taste it, I could feel it on my tongue. Already this was how strong the pictures were getting, but this was clearly messages from my body. Hang on, you're hungry, angry, lonely, tired, bingo, and so you know.

Speaker 2: 31:55

Learn what your body is telling you and become more proactive and assure that you're starting to nourish yourself in a different way, that you're eating in a wholehearted way, that you ditch the ultra processed food, that you ditch the ultra-processed food, that you ditch the sugar, that you start to think about your sleep and that you're not burning the midnight oil, or as rarely as possible do so. That you add in some extra activity into your day, that you learn techniques, how to do that in an effective way. Good example is a recent study was demonstrating that sitting is not great, well, duh. So therefore, you've got a choice of either an evening after a day of sitting, doing 30 minutes of walking Well, that's quite healthy and that's something you can do or you could say I set myself an alarm for 45 minutes and then every 45 minutes I do 10 bodyweight squats, just there, and then Get off the chair, do 10 squats and continue your work. The 10 squats were as good, or even better, in glucose control than the 30-minute walk. So, in other ways, 10 squats what is that? Maybe 30 seconds, if that. So you can do that. So there is a technique where I can improve your blood glucose control, where I can instill some power in you, because after a day you would have done hundreds quads. You can say, well, I did that.

Speaker 2: 33:29

Well, look at me, you are showing leadership. You're modeling a different kind of behavior towards your colleagues. Initially they will laugh and then they might say, okay, come on, I challenge you, let's do 12,. Surely let's do 15. And suddenly you guys are doing push-ups and God knows what else, and it's just fun. So we all can change and whilst it can be incredibly difficult no-transcript, and you know, maybe already your boss has got you a bit in the crosshairs for having too many sick days etc. And suddenly you begin to realize that you're actually feeling better, you've got more energy, you have got more fun and you're just a different person. And if you constantly add little things in there, then you will be surprised. It will take a little while, but that's how you create habits.

Speaker 2: 34:49

Good habits take time to cultivate, but you need to keep going to cultivate, but you need to keep going. It's so beautiful when you actually go out there and learn those techniques and start incorporating them and become inquisitive, become curious again, start learning. Every day where you don't learn something about yourself is a sad day from now on, and I really, really, really like that. I've been more recently. I've been cultivating the habit of really the first thing in the morning I go outside and look at the sun, 15 minutes if I can, or even if it's bloody, two minutes doesn't matter. I go out there and embrace the sun because I know that this is setting my circadian rhythm up in a very positive way. So I kickstart the cortisol of the morning.

Speaker 2: 35:42

So, before I hit a coffee or before I check any email or social media, I actually say hello to the sun and I actually say some words out there, I speak to the universe and say, hey, thank you very much, thank you today, thank you for the good night's sleep, or, hey, last night I didn't sleep so well. Let's see what I can do today to actually rectify that. And I'm grateful for your guidance out there. Whoever's out there, who's listening, please, I'm open to your guidance and show me ways forward, how I can become a better man today. And it sounds stupid, but the universe actually listens to that and says, hey, look at him, okay, what can we teach him today?

Speaker 2: 36:26

And it's bizarre once you start such a practice, what comes back? It is actually quite amazing and a little bit spooky sometimes. I certainly. I mean this week I recorded six interviews at one interview a day, and each and every guest I had invited brought things to me as a gift in the sense of lessons to be learned that I had not anticipated. You know, you see from a, from a description of a guest, you see something and you think, oh, yeah, that will be a cool topic. And often enough, we ended up talking about very different things, things that were of critical relevance to me right now, the way I did Balam and that was so beautiful. There's the power of communication, the power of community, essentially because I'm connecting with people who are equally on a path.

Speaker 2: 37:23

A path might actually be very similar to mine or it may be completely different, at least it appears so but once you start talking, you find the commonalities. You find how much you have in common. There were times when I thought, my god, from from first glance we couldn't be further apart. And by the end of the interview I realized, my goodness, yeah, my twin brother doesn't matter that you are essentially black and I'm white or or whatever different religions, different everything, but we were so alike in the lessons that we had learned the hard way and the new habits that we created. That fulfilled us. It's so beautiful.

Speaker 2: 38:04

So I hope you guys hear that passion in my voice. And that's not something I I put on. This is something that has come out of years of darkness, and once you have seen so much darkness in your life, you try to make sense of it. You try to find a purpose, you try to be someone who actually is out there and is open about it, modeling different ways of coping with trauma and showing you that trauma comes in layers. But healing comes in layers as well.

Speaker 2: 38:40

And if you think, oh my God, where do I start? You have no idea, stefan. I mean, look what I went through. I say, well, okay, I hear you. I hear you, my friend.

Speaker 2: 38:50

But where can you start right now and don't do a first of January resolution. I change everything. I go four hours a day training and I drink eight liters of water a day Rubbish All these things fail, no doubt. I want you to make one small change and I want you to invest 1% of your day into becoming a better man. Now one percent is 15 minutes, so choose 15 minutes. You don't even need to do them all at the same time. If you say, oh, I don't have time to to become a different man, oh, it's all taking too long meditation, I was sitting there rubbish, I can't do that. No, but maybe just you can learn some breath work. You can learn how to breathe with your diaphragm and the next time you're sitting in a not so interesting Zoom meeting, you can actually practice 10 minutes of diaphragmatic breathing, vagal breathing, and see what it does to your physical state.

Speaker 2: 39:52

You might be amazed. To your physical state. You might be amazed, you know. Could you, for example, do 10 squats or 10 push-ups? You don't even need to go on the ground, you can do leaning push-ups on a table. Next time you're waiting for the kettle to boil, just do 10 squats and 10 leaning push-ups against the table. That is more than you have done before. Now imagine that three or four times three or four breaks against the table. That is more than you have done before. And now imagine that three or four times three or four breaks during the day. Well, suddenly you have done actually quite a bit.

Speaker 2: 40:22

And you might even feel it afterwards say, wow, okay, muscles, I didn't know I had, and that's fantastic. You can do so much in so little time. But it all adds up. It's the power of compound interest, and you all know that about money and that compound interest works so powerful there. The same applies to five minutes in your relationship. Imagine you try to figure out what is the love language primary and secondary love language of your respective partner and now you'd put five minutes a day into that love language, maybe just making that person a cup of tea or leaving a little message somewhere hey, I love you, I'm thinking of you texting them. It is what? A few seconds, ultimately, that you're investing there. But can you imagine what that does over a week or over a month? Your relationship will be completely changed. How powerful is that exactly, exactly, very true.

Speaker 1: 41:26

Wow, I really loved the conversation. It's really really great. And so in in short, like if you, if you could give your younger self one piece of advice about life and masculinity, what would it be?

Speaker 2: 41:44

don't be a dick. Um, just oh, there's so many things. One piece of advice goodness gracious, that's really really hard because there's so many lessons I had to learn the hard way and I would have wished that I had learned them in a less destructive way much earlier in my life. I would one piece of advice. I would give that in the form of the biggest hug to give to that younger version and say it's going to be all right, I love you, you don't need to try so hard, you don't need to prove yourself constantly. It's all right, it's going to be fine and it will become better. You will. You will heal. I think that would be the biggest message it's going to be all right.

Speaker 1: 42:35

That's so lovely. That's so lovely, stephen. This conversation has been incredibly inspiring and thank you so much for being so open, honest and passionate about helping others to heal.

Speaker 2: 42:47

For those of you watching, at the moment, I'm showing my book, the third edition of my Steps to Sobriety, which is a book I've written what four years ago? And it's now. It was just released in its third edition, updated with the figures, and it is hopefully helping some of you out there who are still, maybe, in this kind of gray zone. You're not even sure that you're drinking too much alcohol, or you just want to know more about it. Guys, about one in four to one in five people are chemically addicted. So if you're thinking, oh, I'm drinking too much, but I don't want anyone to know, well, why don't you look a bit closer? And if you don't know where to start, go to Amazon, get my book, have a bit of a look there.

Speaker 2: 43:32

I've also got another book out there called depression light to me. Uh, it's a beautiful book by female storytellers who have shared their versions of lies that the, the chameleon of depression, has told them and how they got over it. So there is help out there. These are just two resources that I want to quote here, but your show, for example, is a source of power. You're empowering men out there, and I think there are so many sources out there. Guys, utilize them.

Speaker 1: 44:11

Exactly that's so perfect. Really, and to everyone who is listening, if stephen's story has resonated with you, don't be afraid to take that first step towards your own healing. And so, whether it's reaching out for the support or picking up a book, definitely chipmunk's book, check out I'll put the uh links into the show and or maybe just admitting you need help, it all matters. So absolutely Make sure to check out Stephen's books, as I mentioned, and his podcast, neff Inspiration, including my Steps to Sorbidity, his book, which is filled with practical advice and the wisdom. So, and always remember that you are not alone in this journey. So let's continue to redefine what strength looks like together. And until next time this is your host, avik, and this is mind over masculinity, signing off and stay intentional, stay vulnerable and connected. So thank you so much.