Mind Over Masculinity
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Mind Over Masculinity
Showing Up: The Art of Authentic Presence
What does it truly mean to "show up" in your life? Not just making an appearance or going through the motions, but bringing your complete, authentic self to each moment?
Bestselling author and TEDx speaker Marcy Axelrod joins Mind Over Masculinity to unpack this question, drawing on her two decades of research in neuroscience and evolutionary biology. She reveals the profound difference between what she calls our "small s self" (disconnected, anxious, on autopilot) and our "big S Self" (calm, present, authentic).
The conversation takes a fascinating turn when Marcy shares research showing how our presence creates ripples throughout our social networks: the 20 people closest to you are 45% more likely to mirror your behaviors, attitudes, and even physical postures. This influence extends to people three degrees removed from you—meaning your presence matters far more than you realize.
For men especially, showing up often gets confused with powering through difficulties or maintaining a stoic facade. Marcy challenges this notion, explaining how vulnerability actually enhances rather than diminishes our presence. "Fear and care cannot coexist in the same moment in your body," she explains. When we learn to switch from fear-based responses to care-centered presence, everything changes.
The episode concludes with a simple but powerful daily practice anyone can implement: deliberately seeing others with an open heart. This seemingly small act trains our capacity for genuine connection and presence—moving us from merely clocking in to truly showing up in our lives.
Whether you're feeling disconnected, overwhelmed, or simply going through the motions, this conversation offers a roadmap back to yourself. Connect with Marcy at choosetoshowup.com and share your own "show up" stories.
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Hey everyone, welcome back to another episode of Mind Over Masculinity, the podcast, where we break down the walls of what it really means to be a man and rebuild something that is stronger, softer and a lot of more real. So let me ask you something, dear listeners when was the last time you truly showed up in your own life Not just clocked in, but just made an appearance like, really showed up right for yourself, for your people, for your family, for the purpose that you have been quietly craving for? Right, good to think about, right, do let me know what you think. If you have ever been into this situation, you have faced this kind of situations, do let us know. The social media or on any podcast platforms Would love to listen to you and listen to your story, your perspective also, because today we are talking about the hustle or the hype that we are driving into the truth, about showing up.
Speaker 2:Yes, and to help us navigate this truth, we have got none other than Mercy, mercy Axelrod. So welcome to the show, mercy. I am an endless collector of show up stories. You know. Go to my website, choosetoshowupcom. Give me your show up story. There's a connect with Marcy button that has a form. You know. Just name and you know what's your story. So please do. And the way that you expressed it, abik right, when's the last time you didn't just know clock in but you really showed up like real you were, you were true to yourself. Another word for that abic, you were authentic, thank you. Yeah, the way you framed it, like bam, like right there. I love that. And as someone wrote the book how we choose to show up, you know, based on 20 years of neuroscience and evolutionary biology and psychology, yeah, I'm fully, fully ready here to dive in.
Speaker 1:Lovely, lovely. So, dear listeners, I guess you have already heard from her a bit. I'll clarify you a bit more. I'll quickly introduce you with Mercy. So she is the bestselling author, a two-time tedx speaker, a management consultant, who's been uh, in the, in the trenches of the wall street and the silicon valley, and her book, which we will be talking about.
Speaker 1:We are talking about how we choose to show up, yes, is flipping the game when to, when it comes to, uh, the personal and the professional presence, and she's got two decades of research under her belt and she's here to help us figure it out, like how to lead, uh, uh, the, the fuller, the, uh, the freer and the more uh, meaningful lives. So not by adding more or, but by it's being present at the moment. So which is which is most important? So, whether you are feeling stressed, thin, disconnected, or like you are just going through the motions, like what to say, stick with us. So this one might just bring you back to yourself. So I'll not take much of your time, dear listeners, let's jump in with one and only Mercy. So welcome to the show.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much, as I avidly take notes here, bring you back to yourself. Oh my God. I love that, because I talk about the big S version of ourselves and the small S version of ourselves and, believe me, the small S is what most of us feel, as you said, going through the motions, just clocking in, not quite real, disconnected, lonely. This is when the anxiety comes up. And with the big S self, you know, I think you can all imagine right, this is living far more in the parasympathetic nervous system. You're calm, there's a spaciousness, there's no presentation mode and because your body's calm, you can really sense whoa, like fear is showing up for me In this meeting. The boss is going to look at me again like that's not the way to go, like you know, once again, like your part is slowing us. Whatever it is, you can feel it and you can, you can sit with it and then choose how am I showing up? And I'm going to make it easy for you to put that fear aside by explaining the truth about showing up. Um, yeah, and and I just want to mention one other thing that you alluded to, avik, which is, which is that? Um, you know, feeling meaning living a life of significance, right, not of just.
Speaker 2:Mel robbins wrote the. The quote that's on the cover, you know, and what she chose to she said mercy oxenrod reveals the roadmap you need to live a purpose-driven life. So, whether you call it purpose or whether you don't want to think about purpose because you're not really clear on your purpose, it doesn't matter. The point is a significant life, the life that you want. So, just very quickly getting to the heart of the matter. The heart of the matter, right, how do we dissipate the fear? What you do is you turn on your circuits for caring about the other person.
Speaker 2:You know, when we started this podcast, avik, you know you mentioned well, hey, people just listen, right, so there's, there's no need for video. Like I didn't really prepare and I really went out on a limb, like I was vulnerable there. I was vulnerable and I said you know, I'm really going to do my best for your 25,000 listeners, even if it were no listeners. If I want to do my best for you and me, right here, right now, which we carry into all the future, right, yeah, I'm gonna need to see you. Why? Because the only way I can be real and and model for others right and bring others along with me, being real and authentic and true and calm, feeling.
Speaker 2:The significance of life is to feel you, not to feel two, not to be two each other, but to be with and to be for. This is part of the show up lexicon. You know, an individual is harmonious, all individual. There's a reason the moment you're in nature, you sure reset. There's a reason. When you even feel the warmth on you, you reset when you look in someone's eyes for more than one second. As you get closer to the three, four, five, six seconds, physiology shifts.
Speaker 2:We are designed to be with and you could have said, oh my God, marcy, that's kind of pushy, no, I don't want to interview you anymore, and you know you. You could have said oh my god, marcy, like that's kind of pushy, like no, like I don't want to interview you anymore, we're done. You could have said that and I would have been fine with that, right. But I need to model the truth about showing up human to human. Human. That is how we are designed and people. We are not on this earth, we are of this earth, and so is everybody else. So later on I'm going to show you the show of continuum and how we move along it. But I really want to hear. I want to hear what you're thinking and feeling, because I've been. You know all of your gesticulations have been saying a lot, so talk to us exactly, and that's a great great way of mentioning it.
Speaker 1:And yeah, dear listeners, do let us know about your thoughts as well. So it's very important because we are discussing on this topic, which is definitely very, very important, but it's also very important, like, how our discussion is actually affecting you, actually helping you. That is also very important for us to understand. So do let us know. So, marcy, truly show up in today's world, like for men because we are talking about mind over masculinity and especially for men, who often feel pressure to perform rather than really be as normal. So for them, what it actually mean like truly show up, if you can share yeah, yeah, I mean.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So I mean men and and you know the unfortunate thing about society's teaching right? It's like supposedly okay for women to show their drama on the outside. Men, so I mean men. And you know the unfortunate thing about society's teaching right? It's like supposedly OK for women to show their drama on the outside. Men internalize it, so men are more likely to bottle it up and then it blows up as aggression or substance abuse and drinking right, while women I mean it's the same darn emotion. We just show it differently because of what society tells us is kind of going to be felt a little bit more acceptably. So your question I mean how our conversation affects others and you're saying how we can truly show up as a man. I'm going to answer those separately. How our conversation affects others, I mean this statistic. It's in both of my TED Talks. I say it all the time because I think it's.
Speaker 2:This is the best and truest measurement scientifically of how our behavior, our thoughts, feelings and actions flow through us to the next person and the next and the next Three levels deep. The physician who did this research, his name is Nicholas Christakis, he's at Yale and he showed. Look if he showed, based on measuring, you know how much you weigh risk, type, risky behaviors. Whether you go to the gym, whether you vote, whether you stay married, I mean all sorts of things. He found the 20 people around you are 45% more likely to do what you do. It can literally be how you stand, how you hold yourself, is it? Is it? Is it a relaxed, open pose? Does it say like, yeah, let's talk, or is it a like I'm kind of stressed, I'm I'm. You know there's there's time pressure. I walk quickly. I don't really meet people eye to eye, or if I do, it's this glance in passing. People pick that up too In the elevator. Do you find it's acceptable to only look away, or do you find it's acceptable to actually look at someone and smile? Every single one of these things that we do, how we breathe, for heaven's sake, is sensed by someone else, and those 20 people are 45% more likely to do what we do.
Speaker 2:That's massive. Now they go and they have, you know, their business lunch with someone who you remember, and those two people they're with are 25% more likely to do what you do. And then it goes the next level, deep, as we're with the next group of 20 people that we all spend most of our time with, right, the family members, the friends, the colleagues on average form about a group of 20. So now we're your friends, colleagues, business mate. Right, that person is now 10% more likely to do what you do. The way I often describe it is like your colleague's spouse's or your colleague's daughter's friend. So there's a boy or girl walking around a high school who you'll never meet, who's 10% more likely to do what you do. This is massive. So it's the classic ripple effect of throwing the stone in the water.
Speaker 2:But when you think about this, what does it mean? Right, avik? Like? What's the significance? Is it just? Wow, like I really better do my best.
Speaker 2:Let's go deeper. It's guess what folks. You matter. You matter profoundly, and guess what?
Speaker 2:It's incessant.
Speaker 2:You can never stop it because you are always showing up, even when you walk into your apartment and you're alone, you're showing up to that moment because it leads to the next and the next, and the next.
Speaker 2:And whether you turn on the TV or open the fridge, or sit down and meditate, or write in your journal or change into your gym shorts, everything that you're doing is showing up. You bought the shorts, you paid for the, for the subscription. You bought the. You know, whatever power lifting drink in the fridge, whatever it happens to be, and everything we're doing shows up. So it is this relentless call to you that says you matter. So let's be a force for good. Let's bring ourselves alive and, you know, smile and ask people about themselves and uplift others and maybe ask it like, hey, like I'm really interested in doing more of X. You know, like, is that ever on your radar? Do you know anyone who does X? Like, maybe you just don't love your job and you kind of want to open doors, talk to people. You know people generally want to help each other. So I'm going to stop there, but I'm hoping I get the message across.
Speaker 1:Exactly, Exactly. So one small thing on this uh, do you think men, uh, uh, like men mistake over-functioning for showing up? Like, uh, I mean, if you can share, like, what do you think on this?
Speaker 2:Do men mistake poor functioning for what? For just showing up or for truly showing up?
Speaker 1:Um, okay, I mean both definitely.
Speaker 2:You know, I don't think um. So I really hope men don't think that it's okay for them to poorly function in any way. I hope they don't think that it's okay to show up with anger, because, you know, anger is unhappiness within yourself, that you haven't understood. One thing about the show up continuum and I want to talk about this concept because it's really central is everyone's on this continuum at all times, and so is everything Every tree, every plant tree, every plant, every boat, every company, every social justice system. There's some level.
Speaker 2:You know you show up. You know either really well, it's truly showing up, you kind of phone it in or kind of clock it in just like it's just showing up, which is what 80 percent of us do, 80 percent of the time, according to my research or you're some version of barely there and you know, really burned out, grieving ill.
Speaker 2:You know there's a lot of reasons to be barely there that are totally valid, but the point is, is it ever okay to be in that no man's land, in the middle of just showing up? And what it means is that we're often in default mode, we're in our left hemisphere, we're like just kind of getting stuff done, just like we did yesterday, and the world is showing up to us just like it did yesterday, cause that's what our left hemisphere is attention system does. It kind of locks in. It makes everything very narrow, narrow, very small. It's just a little piece. I'm focused right here on this little thing and it's out of context like it doesn't have any impact on anything, because it's kind of this dead representation of the world. You know, just just showing up can be, can be fine yeah part of the time.
Speaker 2:But lord, Lord knows. It's not going to create the legacy you want. It's not going to have people feel that you care. It's not going to have people think of you when an opportunity comes up. It's not going to get you invited to the party. It's not going to lead people to feel trusting of you. So it's kind of not what you want to do.
Speaker 1:Gotcha of you, so it's kind of not what you want to do and that's definitely hit hard. And uh, I know, like for myself and a lot of guys who are listening or maybe you will be listening uh, we were taught that showing up meant kind of pushing through, like never letting up, so, but what you are saying invites us to actually slow down and reconnect. So that's definitely a powerful shift. I totally trust yeah.
Speaker 2:So you were taught to power through which can really put the blinders on right. It's like, okay, persevere. I know this is really hard right now, but you got to keep going, yeah. So some of that is definitely needed, but it needs to be accompanied with the rest of it, which is that'll just lead you to burn out and not feel connected to anybody, including yourself.
Speaker 2:When you don't connect to other, to yourself and others, you're not connected within the situation, so you can't presence. So your situational role is down on that continuum, close to bit, to barely there, or maybe intermittently. You're there, you're not. You're there, you're not, you're right. It's kind of like meditation focus on your breath, you're. Then you bring yourself back and then you're gone, not what you want to do. So what you really want to do is live in all three of your roles right, like every tree plant, company meeting. Everything is actually in three roles at all times Deeply within yourself, in your individualized self role, but also within the situation, within the moment. There's something going on right here, even if you're in the shower, like there's something going there's.
Speaker 2:There's a context yeah that you're within and if you're with someone else, everything that they're doing right the expression on your face right now, abik, everything going on is because of me.
Speaker 1:Exactly.
Speaker 2:Because of how you feel in your body and how you're thinking about what I'm saying, the chemistry of your body shifting. The cortisol, hopefully, is going down. The serotonin is going up, right, the stress down, connectednessness up. You're also connecting with yourself. Now what happens? Creativity can show up for you, inventiveness shows up for you, curiosity shows up for you. All that black lightning, stress, becomes like a blue ocean. So now there's a third wall. So that puts you deeply here. Wow, that feels good, you're a different person. Now there's a third role. So that puts you deeply here. Wow, that feels good, you're a different person. Now there's a third role that you're in, and that third role is that you're a member of something far larger. You're going to go and bring this experience of whatever this discussion, this meeting, this workout, this moment of reading to your child in bed. You're going to go and bring this into your next moment and you're going to infuse it into the other people and into all the work that you're going to do the next day and for the rest of your life, because it stays with us. How we show up is in us right here, right now, and it stays in us and it creates what comes after. So the three roles, just to summarize everything and everyone is an individualized self, but you're also a situation member. And you're also I call it a societal member, right, but that can be a family member, part of, you know, a men's group, part of a masculine group of humans, part of a religious group. You're in three roles at all times, right?
Speaker 2:So the question for showing up is how do you do it? Well, right, ground yourself in who you are, self-grounding, ready yourself for your moments. Right, can you think about what's going to happen? You know, plan and prepare. But beyond that, try to have a calm body. And I'm going to give you one exercise at the end of this To really presence yourself. I have a whole definition of what a situation is. Believe me, once you know that you're co-creating the moment and the truth of it is emerging because of the situation and how it flows, believe me, me, you will be able to be present. You will able to to be mindful, far more than than than before. By the way, I call it presencing because it's a happening, right? Just like we as humans, we are happenings.
Speaker 2:We are always going on um and then how do you do, how do you live in your societal role, as you recognize the interconnectedness with intent to serve. So those three self-ground situational readiness, societal connectedness with intent to serve. There's a word I put on it all intelligence. We don't have time in a 30-minute podcast to get into it, but. But anyway, there's one exercise I'm going to recommend that simplifies all this and that will be really helpful for people who don't want to buy the book. But I do recommend you scan the book. You don't have to spend a lot of time or effort. Believe me, the truth jumps out at you because of how I wrote the book.
Speaker 1:Yeah, exactly. No, I totally agree on this, and at the end I'll definitely mention about the book. No, I totally agree on this and, uh, at the end I'll definitely mention about the book. Uh, how people can uh get the book, and I'll also mention the link into the show notes for all of your easy reference. But uh, before that, um, so, so, uh, mercy, like what do you think? Like, can vulnerability uh actually enhance our presence instead of diminishing it?
Speaker 2:actually enhance our presence instead of diminishing it.
Speaker 1:Can you say presence? Say it again. So I mean, can the vulnerability actually enhance our presence or maybe just diminishing it?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so vulnerability is very much the lever. It's the switch okay vulnerability is the switch.
Speaker 2:If you live in fear, the person in front of you is an object because it fear. So fear and care cannot coexist in the same moment in your body. One is going to rule the other and fear is going to win Because the way that we evolved, you know, if you hear the lion in the brush and it may kill you, you're not going to be sitting there thinking, wow, I care so much about this other thing, like no, you've got to survive. So to be vulnerable means that you have to be able to feel the fear. I'm being judged, I don't belong. People think I don't belong in the in the room. I'm not as good as others. I have to prove myself.
Speaker 2:In fact, there's four keys that I talk about. They're from the Arbinger Institute. These are the fears that people feel that turn our vulnerability into inauthenticity. Number one I need to be seen as right. Number two I deserve. I deserve the promotion. I deserve this. Oh my God, you're definitely not going to show up in a way that people want to open up a door for you and promote you. I deserve. I need to be seen as lesser than I'm, lesser than I'm insecure, um, or or I'm better than none of okay. So to be vulnerable.
Speaker 2:You got to take those fears and you've got to say you got to turn on your circuits for care. The first thing you got to do is breathe, reset your system, recognize that all these things are showing up because of things in the past. They're not happening here, but what I want you to do is stay in your body, because when you switch to your cognitive mind, your rational thinking mind, you're kind of done, because then you're just pushing the boulder up the hill. That's the masculinity of like push through. You know pushing through and all the habit-based, behavior-based stuff. It doesn't get you there. What you really need to do is look at the people around you, if you're in a meeting, and think about God. Didn't Joe tell me his mother? He's visiting her at the elder care center?
Speaker 1:where they just moved her in.
Speaker 2:God, that's hard. All of a sudden, you're in your care center and the fear dissipates. Or look at the person who's always kind of pushy, or like the person who creates the fear, or just anyone. Or think about your child, turn on your care circuits. I'm going to give you an exercise of how to do this at the end, but in the moment, the way to do it is, you know, think about your own parents, think about someone that you love and picture them and just turn it on. You'll find yourself exhaling, just breathing differently. And that's how you know, avik, you're in a different place now, and that's when you can hear truth and say you know, I know you believe X, y or Z, but you know, I really think we need to spend more time considering this, or what would enable us to, you know, be open to this. Or, you know, when you did X, I felt Y. That's the vulnerability that needs to come out and it's going to make the world a better place. It's going to make the world a better place.
Speaker 2:Now, the other person might not show up for you, they may not truly show up for you, and they might give you some kind of defensive response. Okay, that's fine. As Melo Robbins says, let them ride fine, but you were true to yourself and you want to know what You're going to be healthier. And you were true to yourself and you want to know what you're going to be healthier and you're going to be happier. You're going to say that I just practice being authentic and I'm going to keep doing this because it's the only way to live. And I'm going to tell you, obby, what's going to happen when we're all authentic we're going to have less war, we're going to have less unkindness. We're going to have less violence. We're going to have more support. We're going to have less violence. We're going to have more support. We're going to have greater health.
Speaker 2:You know the fact that you know 40% of girls the age of my daughter, 15, like you know, in that you know whatever it is 10 to 25, they're on medication. I mean what Over 50% of people feel? A deep sense of loneliness, which is separateness from yourself. Anyway, I'm going to stop. But, like, when you're truly authentic and willing to like, like knowing how to turn your heart muscle on your care circuits instead of your rational brain, you're going to walk up to this person in the coffee shop, say, hey, I've seen you here a number of times how you doing, like you know. Know I just started coming in here. Would love to just say hi you know I'm mercy, I'm odd bag.
Speaker 2:How are you?
Speaker 1:yeah, exactly, amazing mercy. I mean, uh, it's, it's really, really great. That was kind of masterclass, I would say, in in the presence, purpose and the personal power and and for everyone who is listening or maybe you will be listening, uh, later after the show, so especially men out there who are grinding, hiding or just right uh, just just getting by.
Speaker 1:Just I want to. I want you to take one thing away from this episode is you don't have to add more to your life, or to uh, or to live more. You just have to show up so for yourself, fully, honestly, as a human being. So that is as most most important. And pick one place in your life, just just the one, and ask yourself like am I truly here or not? If I'm not, then what would it take to be so? Ask this question, I did myself, and do let me know what you also think about it. It will be a two-way communication, for sure. Do let us know what you think. Or have you tried this? Or if you tried and then you felt something, do let us know. So it will be definitely great.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I would love to just add the one quick thing that I recommend people do to practice showing up. You know, everyone says it's so much easier to see in others what we can't see in ourselves. So I want you to go see others See. You see others Once a day.
Speaker 2:Look across the room at somebody, or across the parking lot. Oh, there's someone getting out of their car. Just look at them, open heartedly. Wow, they, they're rushing. Maybe they feel a little strained. Wow, maybe their child, um, said that they didn't feel well this morning. So they ended up just kind of be, you know, 30 minutes late for everything, just like me, um. Or you know, wow, that person's really well dressed. Look at that sports car. I want that too. You know what? Wow, that person's really well-dressed. Look at that sports car. I want that too. You know what? I wonder if they actually spent more than they had, just like I did a while ago and I had to learn the hard way and they think it's success, but it's really not, because then I was stressed and I couldn't treat each other well and I had all these stress issues.
Speaker 2:Maybe the person's dealing with that and what you do is there's no judgment. What you're practicing doing is seeing someone as you want them to see you Practicing looking at someone with care and recognizing human to human. That's how we're designed. So that's what I want you to do is just practice looking at someone, and what you'll do is first you'll notice and then you'll tune in and then you'll feel with and then you will enact care.
Speaker 2:And what Avik is seeing that you guys aren't, but I'm going to send him is a chart that shows, when you move up the continuum, what you're doing from just showing up to truly showing up. You're noticing which is attending right, presencing. Then you're tuning in, you're getting curious. Once again, the circuits come on for care, for creativity, for optionality, to show up, notice, tune in, feel with. Now your heart's open and then you enact care and then you're more likely to open up all sorts of doors for yourself and you might even walk over and say like, hey, that seems heavy, can I help you? Or I noticed you know? I don't know if you're having a hard day, but I just want you to know I see you and the world is here. We're here for each other. We're here for each other.
Speaker 1:That is truly showing up amazing, I'd say it's really amazing and so like Mercy Lake. Where can people connect with you faster, easier?
Speaker 2:yeah, I love hearing from people. Please give me your show up stories, happy to feature them. So choosetoshowupcom is where people find me. There's a contact form. The book is obviously on Amazon how we choose to show up lovely, great.
Speaker 1:So, dear listeners, until next time. This is your host, avik, reminding you show up, speak the truth, live your life worth filling, so that's very important. And you have been listening to Mind Over Masculinity. Live your life worth feeling, so that's very important. And and you have been listening to Mind Over Masculinity, with your host, one and Only, awake and stay grounded, stay curious and just don't just go through it, just grow through it. So, with this hope, till then, stay happy, stay healthy and live happily as always. Thank you so much.
