46 | Dating Anxiety: Why You Spiral and How to Stop Shrinking

 Why does one text make your thoughts spiral for hours?

 Why do you feel smaller after dating instead of more confident?

 How do you know what is anxiety versus real connection? 

Dating can turn confident people into overthinkers. One message, one pause, or one unanswered text and your mind fills in the worst case story.

This episode helps you understand why dating triggers anxiety so fast and why your instincts feel unreliable in those moments. You will learn how anxiety disguises itself as being chill, patient, or low maintenance.

Instead of telling you to trust your feelings, this episode gives you something more steady. A way to stop shrinking, notice patterns, and stay grounded without overanalyzing every emotion.

What You’ll Learn in This Episode
• Why anxiety shows up quietly in dating and feels like self improvement
• How your nervous system reacts to attachment, uncertainty, and rejection
• The difference between connecting with someone and managing their reactions
• The two common dating traps anxious people fall into
• How to evaluate behavior instead of spiraling over feelings
• Why trying harder often leads to losing yourself
• What real certainty looks like over time

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This podcast was created by Davis-Smith Mental Health, offering counseling for teens & young adults in Illinois (only). We accept BCBS PPO, Aetna PPO, and self-pay clients.

Links: 
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https://www.blockoutthenoisepodcast.com/anxiety-survival-toolkit/

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⚠️ Disclaimer:  Block Out the Noise provides personal insights and practical stra...

Transcript

The Texting Spiral

Jessica N. Davis 0:07

You're texting someone you like. You type something, delete it, type it again, screenshot it to send it to three friends, wait for the group to weigh in, finally hit send and immediately put your phone face down like it might explode. If that's you, you're not dramatic, you're not too much, you're anxious. And today I want to show you what's actually happening when dating makes you spiral and give you something you can use when it does. Hi, and welcome to Block Out the Noise, a space to quiet the noise of anxiety, self-doubt, and overthinking. I'm Jessica Davis, a licensed therapist, mindset coach, and the creator of the Courage Method. I specialize in helping teens and young adults build confidence, courage, and purpose. If you want something you can use the moment anxiety shows up, the free anxiety survival toolkit is in the show notes. It gives you clear steps to stay grounded when your thoughts start to race. Also, quick reminder: this podcast is here to support and guide you, but it is not a replacement for talking to someone in real life. If you're struggling with your mental health, please reach out to a therapist. And if you're in crisis, contact emergency services or a local helpline. You don't have to go through it alone. Today we're covering seven things anxiety does in dating. And I'm giving you something concrete for each one. But here's what makes this episode different. I'm not going to tell you to trust your feelings, because when you're anxious, your feelings lie to you. Excitement and anxiety feel almost identical. Your gut sends mixed signals. And the more you try to figure out how you feel, the more confused you get. So instead, I'm going to give you something you can actually evaluate. Not your feelings, their behavior. Let's get into it. Number one, anxiety has a dating alter ego. Here's something I want you to understand. Most people think anxious dating looks dramatic. Crying in parking lots, sending spam messages through the night, obvious meltdowns. And sometimes it does look like that. But most of the time it looks completely normal. It looks like rereading your messages four to ten times before you send it, just to make sure you don't sound too eager. Or it looks like laughing at a joke that wasn't funny because you don't want to seem difficult. It could look like saying, I'm fine with whatever when you're absolutely not fine with whatever. Anxious dating doesn't always scream. Sometimes it sounds like a whisper. Things like, be chill, don't mess this up, or don't be too much. And you listen because it sounds reasonable. It kind of sounds like you're being mature. But here's what I've learned sitting across from people who feel this way. If you leave every interaction feeling smaller than when you walked in, that's not you being easygoing. That's anxiety pretending to be self-improvement. Here's what I want you to do. After spending time with someone you're dating, whether it's a date, a call, or even just a text message conversation, ask yourself this. Did I say what I actually wanted, or did I say what I thought they wanted to hear? Not how you felt, but what you did. If they suggested meeting at eight, but you wanted six, did you say so? If they picked a movie you've already seen, did you speak up? If they asked where you wanted to eat and you actually had an opinion, did you share it? You don't have to change anything right now, but start tracking how often you abandon yourself in small moments, because those small moments are practice. They're training your brain to believe that your voice doesn't matter when it does. So why does dating do this in the first place? Maybe you feel like you can handle a job interview, a final exam, a family dinner. Okay. As one of my best friends says, hashtag family, hashtag mess. Sometimes it's like that. But one text from someone you like sends your brain into full investigation mode. That brings us to number two. Dating activates your threat system. Here's what's actually happening: your nervous system has a short list of things it considers dangerous. Not a lion or tiger in the room, dangerous, but more like something important could be taken from me, dangerous. That list is attachment, uncertainty, rejection. Dating isn't just one of those. Dating is all three at once. You care about this person. Attachment is activated. You don't know where this is going. Uncertainty is on. And they could just stop texting tomorrow. Rejection is loading. Your brain doesn't know the difference between they're busy and they hate you now. It just sees threat, threat, threat, and it responds the only way it knows how by trying to control the outcome before you get hurt. Here's what I want you to understand. When you're in this state, your feelings aren't always reliable. Excitement can feel like anxiety. Interest can feel like panic. Connection can almost feel like danger. So don't try to figure out how you feel about them. Instead, ask, how are they treating me? That's observable. That's concrete. That doesn't require you to decode your own nervous system. We'll come back to this more. So keep listening and we'll dive into it. But right now, I want to go over something that brings us to the sneaky thing anxiety does. It tries to help you. And that help, it's kind of a setup. Number three, the keep it trap. At some point, something shifts in dating. And it's so quiet. Sometimes you miss it and you don't even notice that it's happening. You stop asking, how do I feel about this person? And you start asking, what do I need to do so this doesn't end? Do you feel the difference there? One is connection. The other is management. And management works, but only temporarily. You keep the peace, you avoid the awkward conversations, you stay in the relationship. But here's what gets lost: you stop showing up as yourself. Now you're building something real with a version of you that's performing. Anxiety will call that playing it safe. I call it honestly like building a home on something that isn't real and wondering why the foundation has cracks all through it or why the house falls down. Here's what I want you to notice. When you start managing instead of connecting, you're usually doing one of two things. One, you're scared of what comes next if this ends. What if I don't find someone else? What if the next relationship is worse? What if I end up alone? So you stay in something that isn't right, not because it's good, but because leaving feels scarier than staying. Or two, you're taking what you're given instead of setting the tone. Anxiety convinces you that you should just go with the flow. Be chill, right? Let them lead. But here's what I teach my clients. You get to set the tone. You get to decide what you want from a relationship. You get to say what you need. You get to walk away from something that doesn't meet that. And you can do all of that while still being anxious. Being anxious doesn't mean you have to be passive. Now, here's where I see a lot of people get trapped. They're in one of two extremes, and both are problems. Number four, the two dating traps. I see this constantly with teens and young adults that I work with. Dating has become really polarized. On one end, you have what I call the codependency extreme. You've been dating someone for a couple months, and suddenly you're seeing each other every single day. You're allowed to have sleepovers with them. They're invited on family vacations. Your entire world starts to revolve around this one person. And here's the problem for anxious people: the more enmeshed you get, the harder it becomes to leave. Because now it's not just losing a person, it's losing a routine, the comfort, the identity you have built around them. Possibly you feel like you're losing family. And anxiety whispers, what if I never find this again? What if the next one is worse? What if I end up completely alone again? So you stay even when it's not healthy, even when something feels off. And on the other end, we have the talking phase trap. You've been talking to someone for months, gosh, it could be even a year, but nothing moves forward. They won't call it a relationship, they won't clarify what this is. You're just kind of hanging out, sometimes not even hanging out, but you're talking every day and you stay in it because anxiety tells you something is better than nothing. You tell yourself, maybe if I'm more patient, maybe if I don't push, maybe if I just sit and wait it out, something will happen. But here's the truth: if someone wanted to be with you, they'd make that clear. You are not an option. You are not a placeholder. You are not someone's maybe. And if you're being treated like one, that's not you being patient. That's you accepting less than you deserve. Here's what I want you to check. These two traps need different questions. If you're in something that's moving really fast, ask yourself, do I feel like I can still hang out with my friends without them getting upset? Do I have time for the things I used to love or has everything become about this relationship? When I want space, do I feel guilty for wanting it? And asking yourself, is this a pace that you're comfortable with? Like if you could slow it down, would you? And really think about that. Because sometimes the pace feels like it's too much and we're just afraid to say it. If you're losing your friends, your hobbies, your time, that's not love, that's isolation. And it doesn't matter how much they say they care about you, if they're pulling you away from everyone else who does too. If you're stuck in the talking phase with no clarity, ask yourself: am I being treated like a priority or an option? Are they making time for me or just fitting me in when it's convenient? Have I asked for clarity? And did they give me a real answer or just more vague excuses? If you've been hanging out for months or longer and they still won't call it what it is, that's your answer. You're not being patient, you're being kept on the back burner. Both traps have the same root. You're not asking for what you actually want. And one, you're afraid to slow down because you don't want to lose them. And the other, you're afraid to speak up because you don't want to push them away. But in both cases, you deserve clarity. You deserve to take up space and you deserve a relationship where you don't have to shrink to stay. Now, let's talk about something I think is the most underrated skill in dating. And it's not about your feelings at all. Number five, stop asking how you feel. Start seeing how they act. This is the shift that changes everything. Here's the problem with trust your gut advice. When you're anxious, your gut sometimes feels like it's lying to you. Excitement feels like panic, interest feels like fear, and a good thing feels terrifying because it could be taken away. So if you're waiting to feel certain, you'll be waiting forever. But here's what you can trust: observable behavior. Instead of asking, how do I feel about this person? which leads to you feeling like you're just spiraling into all of these different thoughts, ask these questions instead. Do I feel heard when I speak? Not perfectly understood. We know that's not going to happen, but do they actually listen? Do they remember things that you've told them? Do they care about what you have to say? Are they patient and kind, not just with you, with other people too? How do they treat servers, their parents? How do they respond when things don't go their way? Do they respect my boundaries? When you say no, how do they respond? When you need space, do they give it to you? Or do they just push back? Are they trying to understand me? Are they curious about who you are? Do they ask questions? I can't imagine how many people are talking to people on a daily basis and they don't ask you anything about your life. That's a problem. Or do they assume you already know? Do I feel like I have to change who I am to keep them interested? This is a big one. If you're constantly editing yourself, hiding parts of you, creating this performance you think they'll like, that's not going to be sustainable. So write these five questions somewhere, you can see that. After time with the person you're going on a date with or have been talking to, go through the list. Don't ask how you felt, ask what they did. Because sometimes when you're anxious, you can't always trust those feelings, but you can always trust patterns. Now, here's where anxiety offers you a solution that sounds really mature, but it really is a trap. Number six, the try harder lie. This is the one I really need you to hear. Anxiety is really good at making you lose yourself and convincing you it's personal growth. It sounds like maybe I'm being too sensitive, or maybe I need to be more patient. Maybe I just need to try harder. And on the surface, that kind of sounds mature. It sounds healthy, like you're doing the work. But here's the question I want you to sit with. Are you growing or disappearing? Because there's a difference between stretching yourself to become a better partner and shrinking yourself to become an easier one to keep around. One builds intimacy, the other builds resentment that may lead to a lot of frustration or even poor dating habits in the future. If staying in a relationship requires you to constantly override your instincts, mute your needs, and convince yourself that your feelings are too much, that's not growth. That's you losing yourself and calling it maturity. Here's what I want you to know. You can be anxious and still be confident. You can be anxious and still be true to yourself. You can be anxious and still set the tone for what you will and won't accept. Anxiety doesn't mean you have to take what you're given. Anxiety doesn't mean you can't have standards. Anxiety doesn't mean you have to shrink to fit what someone else wants. Some of the most beautiful, magnificent, magnetic people I've ever worked with are anxious. They overthink, they feel deeply, they question everything, but they show up as themselves anyway. And that's actually what creates connection. Not performing, not shrinking, not managing, just being who you are. So how do you know if someone is actually right for you without waiting for some lightning bolt of certainty? Number seven, what certainty actually looks like. I want to save you a lot of spiral sessions right now, and I'm hoping this helps. There is almost never one single moment where the clouds will part and you will just know. That's movie logic and Disney fairy tales. Real decisions are messier than that. But here's what I've learned sitting with people who've navigated this. Certainty doesn't come from feelings. We touched on this a little bit before, but it comes from patterns. Over time, you notice things. This person keeps showing up. This person respects what I ask for. This person is patient when I'm anxious. This person makes me feel like I don't have to perform. Or you notice the opposite. I keep feeling smaller around them. I have to edit myself. I keep making excuses for their behavior. I keep waiting for them to change. Those patterns are your answer. Not a single moment of clarity, not a feeling that finally makes sense, just consistent data over time. So for the next few weeks, don't try to figure out how you feel. Just notice what happens, keep a mental note or write it down of moments when you felt like yourself around them and moments when you didn't, because patterns don't lie. Patterns are them really showing who they truly are. The right relationship won't ask you to disappear in order to belong. And you, with your overthinking, your big feelings, and maybe your constant questioning, I hope these seven things helped you now better understand anxiety when dating. But I also hope that these tools are something that you come back to when you are dating or when you're even talking to someone so that you have a better idea of how you want to show up in relationships. If this episode resonated with you, I'd love for you to share it with someone who needs to hear it. And if you listen and feel like this is exactly what you needed to hear, hit the follow and notification button for more episodes. We've had some of our listeners say that they weren't getting notifications of our episodes, so definitely hit that alarm button so you get notified. We drop episodes every Monday at 3 a.m. Central Time. Thank you so much for taking time with me today. Until next time, keep moving forward. Trust yourself, and never forget you have what it takes to block out the noise.