58 | How Dating Someone Can Change Who You Are (And What to Watch For)

Did you like who you were in your last relationship?
Did that person bring out your confidence, or your anxiety?
Are you becoming more like yourself in this relationship, or slowly losing parts of who you are? 

The person you date affects more than your relationship status. They shape how you feel about yourself, how you show up in your everyday life, and what starts to feel normal in love. In this episode, Jessica Davis breaks down how dating can bring out different versions of you, why that matters more than most people realize, and how to tell whether a relationship is helping you grow or pulling you further away from yourself. 

What You’ll Learn in This Episode 

• Why the version of you that shows up in a relationship tells you a lot about whether it is healthy
 • How jealousy, insecurity, anger, silence, and people-pleasing can signal deeper relationship problems
 • What “relationship inauthenticity” looks like, and why acting against yourself takes a toll on mental health
 • Why early dating experiences can shape what feels normal in future relationships
 • The one question to ask yourself if you want more clarity about the person you are dating 

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Transcript

Do You Like Who You Are?

Jessica N. Davis 0:07

Think about the last person you dated. Did you like who you were when you were with them? Were you more confident, more yourself, or more anxious, jealous, and on edge? The person you date doesn't just change your relationship status. They change the version of you that walks into school, hangs out with friends, and looks back at you in the mirror every day. And most people never stop to ask if they even like that version. Today we're breaking that down. How to read the version of you that shows up in a relationship and how to use it as a real sign of whether that relationship is actually healthy for you. And by the end of this episode, I'm going to give you one question, just one, that will tell you more about your relationship than any red flag checklist ever could.

Welcome And Quick Safety Notes

Jessica N. Davis 0:59

Hi, and welcome to Block Out the Noise. This is a space to quiet the noise of anxiety, self-doubt, and overthinking. I'm Jessica Davis, licensed therapist, mindset coach, and the creator of the Courage Method. Before we get into today's episode, if you're dealing with anxiety and you don't know where to start, please download the free anxiety survival toolkit just for you. It's packed with tools and strategies to help you when anxiety hits. Also, quick reminder: this podcast is here to support and guide you, but it is not a replacement for talking to someone in real life. If you're struggling with your mental health, please reach out to a therapist. And if you're in crisis, contact emergency services or a local health line. You don't have to go through this alone. Okay, let's jump

Why Different People Change Us

Jessica N. Davis 1:47

in. This episode came out of something that happened within the same week and it really stuck with me. A clinician was telling me about a client in a really unhealthy relationship and said, for this client, you have to ask, what is dating this person bringing out in them? A few days earlier, I had asked one of my clients almost the exact same thing. Do you like the side of yourself that shows up in this dynamic? Two therapists, two different clients, almost the same conversation, less than a week apart. That's when I realized we're having this conversation in therapy rooms all the time, but we're not talking about this in the day-to-day life. So I'm bringing it here. Different people bring out different sides of us. And I want you to know that's a completely natural thing. It happens with friends, it happens with parents, it happens in teacher-student relationships, sibling dynamics, all of it. We become different versions of ourselves with certain personalities and certain demeanors, and it's not intentional. It just happens. Think about your own friends. There's probably someone in your life where you're the funnier version of yourself, and you don't even have to try. And there's probably someone else where you're quieter, more in your head, and you find yourself listening way more than talking. Neither version is wrong. They're just different parts of you. I've seen it in my own work. I'll have one client where I can be super jokey and keeping it light, and another one where I'm more grounded, more serious. Someone else, I may feel more on edge. It's not something I'm choosing, it just naturally occurs. Psychologists talk about how we carry a lot of different sides of ourselves. And different people activate different ones. We mirror what we see, we respond to how people make us feel. If someone is really confident, sometimes that might make us feel more confident, but sometimes it makes us feel more insecure. Someone with a great sense of humor might bring out more of yours, or it might make you feel like that person takes up so much space, there's no room left for you. It's not always about what the other person is doing. A lot of it is about how we respond to them. And that part is hard to see when you're in it. If

Reading Your Relationship Self

Jessica N. Davis 4:10

you've heard some of my podcast episodes about dating before, you probably are aware I hate teen dating. Honestly, only a tiny handful of teen relationships I've worked with, I'd actually call healthy. And even though I know that's how it's supposed to go, you're figuring things out, you're learning, it is hard to watch someone stay in something you know isn't good for them and know that you have to be patient. Because if you push too hard, you're pushing them closer to that person. That's part of why this episode matters so much to me, because I can't sit across from all of you. But I can ask the same questions I'd ask my clients. How do you feel in this relationship? What way do you show up with this person? Do you find yourself being more insecure, more negative, more on edge? Or do you find yourself more at ease, more grounded, more comfortable? Just sit with that for a second. Because usually when I ask clients those questions, they can immediately see what this relationship is doing to them. I've had clients tell me they're anxious all the time because of their relationship, that they're constantly apologizing for things that they don't even think are their fault, but they apologize just to keep the peace. I've had other clients say that they're more afraid of what this person will do outside of the relationship than how they actually feel when they're in it. I've had clients tell me they've lost their sense of self, they have no identity anymore, that they are constantly sad, constantly put down. And others say that they don't find themselves attracted because of what this relationship has done to them. And that's when you know. That's when you really realize what this dynamic is actually doing. There's a lot of shame actually attached to this because if you're in an unhealthy relationship, sometimes you feel like you have to hide it, like you'll be judged for staying, or like it says something bad about you. But most people, if they're being honest, have been in something that wasn't healthy. It could be anyone. It actually probably is all of us. The difference is knowing your worth and your value. So, what does it actually look like when your relationship is bringing out the worst in you? I've seen it show up in a lot of different ways, so I'm going to just go over a couple different versions.

Jealousy Anger And Losing Yourself

Jessica N. Davis 6:27

The jealous, insecure version. You're checking their phone, you're going through their social media, looking for anything, trying to find some kind of proof just to feel a sense of control. That pit in your stomach doesn't go away, it gets louder. And the more you look, the more you need to look. Here's something worth knowing. Studies show that jealousy and constant checking are often misread as proof that someone cares, especially in teen relationships. It can feel like they're invested, like they really love you. But that behavior is actually linked to control and even higher risk for emotional and dating violence. If you're the one doing it, that's worth looking at to try and change the pattern of behavior. Now, if that doesn't sound like you, maybe this one will. The angry, frustrated version. Maybe your partner is controlling and you both start ramping up the anger, the toxicity, each of you making it worse. Or you go completely the other direction. You go quiet, you become more docile, you're afraid to speak up because you don't want to set them off. The version that does things they don't actually want to do. There's a lot of pressure in teen and young adult relationships to do things physically that you're not ready for, to send photos you're not comfortable sending, to try substances or get into situations you never would have considered before. And it happens because you want to make that person happy. You want to keep them around. Researchers actually have a name for this. They call it relationship inauthenticity. It's when there's a gap between what you actually feel and what you're doing in that relationship. And the research is clear. That gap takes a real toll on your mental health. In studies with teens, when there's a big gap between how you feel and how you're acting in your relationship, rates of depression go up. When you're constantly acting against yourself to keep someone else comfortable, it doesn't just hurt the relationship, it hurts you. Another version is the version that disappears. You used to have friends, you used to have your own things going on. And slowly, without even meaning to, your whole world became this one person. If they're happy with you, you're okay. But if they're not, you fall apart. No one should have that much control over how you feel. A lot of times this starts with maybe love bombing, the constant attention, the you're everything to me, the intensity that feels like romance. It's great in the beginning, feels healthy and wonderful. And then as time goes on, you start to realize it's not. Watch for this too. If you only feel loved and cared for with this one person, and when you're around your friends and family, there's nothing there. That's a yellow flag. I always want my clients to have people they can go to, a life outside of one person, the version that hides. Because sometimes it's not dramatic at all. Sometimes it's just you don't talk as much. You stop sharing what you actually think, you laugh less, you monitor yourself, what you say, how you say it, whether it's going to upset them. And at some point you realize you've been performing instead of just being. That's also a sign. I want to stop here and say this clearly because I think it's truly important. If you are in a relationship where you are being physically, sexually, or emotionally hurt, you don't have to stay. You are allowed to leave. You are allowed to get help. And if you're scared of what happens when you leave, please reach out so you can do it the right way with support behind you. And the U.S., you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. They're available 24-7. If you're outside the U.S., please search for a domestic violence hotline in your country. Support exists wherever you are. You don't have to stay, you don't have to hide it, and it doesn't define your worth. I

When Nerves Become A Warning

Jessica N. Davis 10:23

also want to share something that I think is important to understand, not to scare you, but because I feel like it matters. Research shows that when teens are in relationships full of hostility and conflict, those patterns are linked to higher anxiety and depression as they move into adulthood. Not because they're broken, not because something is wrong with them, but because early relationships help shape what we expect from love. Adolescence is literally the stage of life where you're figuring out who you are. And what you experience in relationships right now starts to wire what feels normal to you later. That's exactly why this conversation is so important. Not to make you afraid, but to remind you that you deserve relationships that build you up, not ones that slowly take pieces of who you are. And the earlier you recognize it, the more power you have to change it. Now, I also want to share, not every shift is a red flag. Sometimes at the start of a relationship, we're just shy, we're nervous. You don't feel fully like ourselves yet. And that's okay. If you start to feel more comfortable with that person, you start to blossom, that shyness decreases, and you feel like you can be more yourself. That's a good sign. But if you've been in it for a while and you still have that pit in your stomach, you still feel on edge, you still feel like you're walking on eggshells, that's not nerves anymore. That's inflammation. Jealousy, insecurity, anger, that sense of losing yourself, those are things that don't tend to get better on their own. And they surely don't get better just because more time passes. Your body often recognizes this before your brain does. The question is whether you're willing to listen. So I know I talked a lot about all of the red flags, but I want to talk about when it's good because that's important too. I've worked with clients who had been through relationships that didn't go well and they weren't the version of them that they wanted to be, and then they found somewhere it was them. They could be the version of themselves they actually enjoy honest, easygoing. They were funnier, more motivated, more engaged, and more comfortable in their own skin. And that's beautiful. That's what we should really work towards. That's hashtag relationship goals. And even if that relationship doesn't end up working out, it still teaches you something. You're learning about yourself in that dynamic. And that's still worth holding on to. So here's what I want you to take with you. And this is the one question I promised in the beginning. The first step in the courage method is C, which stands for catch negative patterns. Because before you can change anything, you actually have to notice what's actually happening. So here's the question: Do you like who you are when you're with this person? That's it. Not do you love them, not are they a good person? Not do they make you happy sometimes. Do you like who you are when you're with them? Do a barometer check, not just on how you feel about that person, but on how you feel about yourself when you're with them. What sides of you keep showing up? Is that someone you recognize? Is that someone you like? I get to work with so many incredible people. And sometimes I say, I see this amazing side of you. I know you're incredible, but you have to see it too. And part of seeing it is paying attention to what this relationship is bringing out in you. This isn't just a dating question either. You can ask it about your friendships and about anyone you spend a lot of time with. If you have people in your life bringing out the worst in you, that's a sign. If you have people bringing out the best parts of you, spend more time there. The right relationship won't erase your hard days, but it will make it a lot easier to be the you that you actually like.

Share It And Leave A Review

Jessica N. Davis 14:22

If this episode hits home with you, please share it with someone who needs to hear it. Also, I would truly love it if you could take time to provide us a review on either Spotify or Apple Podcasts. We have a lot of Apple Podcasts listeners. So the more you actually leave reviews, the more people find us. Thank you for listening. I truly appreciate every single one of you. Keep moving forward, trust yourself, and never forget you have what it takes to block out the noise.