67 | What Teens Wish Their Parents Knew About Anxiety

• Why does teen anxiety feel so invisible?
• Why do some teens stop talking when they need help the most?
• What if your teen does not need you to fix it first but to listen?

In this episode, Jessica Davis breaks down what teens and adults who struggled with anxiety wish their parents understood sooner. After reading through real stories from people who grew up with anxiety, Jessica shares the patterns that kept showing up: feeling unheard, waiting too long for help, fear around medication, and the pain of carrying anxiety alone.

This episode is not about blaming parents. It is about helping parents understand what anxiety can look like in teens, why it is easy to miss, and how support can start before you have all the answers. Jessica explains why listening matters, why therapy can help even when you do not fully understand what your teen is feeling, and why doing something imperfect is better than waiting for the perfect moment.

What You’ll Learn in this Episode:

• Why teen anxiety is easy to miss
• How listening helps teens feel less alone
• Why parents do not need all the answers to get help
• How anxiety can look like anger, avoidance, or shutdown
• Why therapy and medication should be explored with curiosity 

RESOURCES:
Get your FREE Anxiety Survival Toolkit to help you when your anxiety is overwhelming!

JOIN our NEWSLETTER! Get weekly emails about upcoming podcasts, but also how to fight against anxiety!

📱 Follow Us:

Instagram | Facebook | Threads 

🎙️ Presented by Davis-Smith Mental Health

This podcast was created by Davis-Smith Mental Health, offering counseling for teens & young adults in Illinois (only). We accept BCBS PPO, Aetna PPO, and self-pay clients.

Links: 
Anxiety Survival Toolkit:
https://www.blockoutthenoisepodcast.com/anxiety-survival-toolkit/

Newsletter:
https://blockoutthenoisepodcast.substack.com/welcome

Davis-Smith Mental Health:
https://www.davis-smithmentalhealth.com/

1:1 Confidence Coaching:
https://tidycal.com/blockoutthenoise/confidence-coaching

⚠️ Disclaimer:  Block Out the Noise provides personal insights and practical stra...

Transcript

Why Teen Anxiety Feels Invisible

Jessica N. Davis 0:07

There's a specific kind of silence that happens at a house when a teenager is struggling inside their own mind, but the people around them don't know how to read what they're seeing. I went into Reddit's biggest mental health communities and read through threads with hundreds of comments, all answering one question. What do you wish your parents had done about your anxiety? One comment really stopped me when it said, well, literally anything would have been better than the nothing they did. That was a real person writing about what it felt like to grow up completely alone in something they couldn't control. Hi, and welcome to Block Out the Noise, a space to quiet the noise of anxiety, self-doubt, and overthinking. I'm Jessica Davis, licensed therapist, mindset coach, and the creator of the Courage Method. Before we jump in, please go grab the Anxiety Survival Toolkit in the show notes. It is packed with coping skills, audio tools, a full breakdown of the Courage Method, and a guided meditation, and it's all completely free. Also, quick reminder this podcast is here to support and guide you, but it is not a replacement for talking to someone in real life. If you're struggling with your mental health, please reach out to a therapist. And if you're in crisis, contact emergency services or a local helpline. You don't have to go through it alone. All right, let's jump in. So here's what happened. I was scrolling through Reddit, which is basically a massive online forum, if you don't know, but you probably do already, where people post anonymously about pretty much everything you can imagine. And I kept coming across some of the same type of posts. Parents asking, How do I help my teenager with anxiety? And then hundreds of responses from adults who had anxiety as teens saying, Here's what I needed. Here's what I didn't get. These were real people, not experts, not influencers, just people being painfully honest about what growing up with anxiety was actually like for them. And the patterns were really clear when I delved through them. So I pulled the most powerful responses that I could find, and I'm going to share them with you today, along with what my take is as a therapist. If you're a parent listening to this, I want you to know something before we even get really into this. We're not here to make anyone feel guilty. Most parents are doing the best they can with what they were taught. And most of us were taught very little about how to support a child through mental health. So this isn't about playing. It's about learning from people who've been on the other side of it so we can do better going forward. And if you're a teen or a young adult listening, your experience matters. What you went through or what you're going through right now, it is real and it does impact how you see things and how you see yourself. And I'm hoping that this can just be a powerful message for you to hear today. Something came up again and again in these threads that was rarely set outright, but I wanted to point this out. Anxiety often runs in families. There is a biological component to it. Not always, but in a lot of cases there is. And your child's brain may be wired to respond to the world with more vigilance, more worry, more what-ifs questions. And that's not something they chose. It's not something that you caused, but it is something to be aware of. And it does help us respond to it in the right way and get the right support. So if you're sitting there thinking, what did I do wrong? This isn't about what you did wrong. It's about what we can do now. One more thing before we dive in. I know you're probably like, oh my gosh, how many times are you going to say that? But every teenager feels anxious sometimes. That's normal and healthy. Nervousness before an exam, awkwardness at a party, feeling worried about fitting in. That's just part of growing up. What we're talking about today is different. Anxiety that is persistent, that interferes with daily life. Anxiety that stops your teen from doing things they want to do or used to enjoy. That's when it crosses from normal stress into something that needs support. Okay, so let's now dive into it.

Listen Before You Try To Fix

Jessica N. Davis 4:25

One, I wish they just listened. The number one thing that came up over and over was listening, not advice giving, not problem solving, just hearing them out. Here's what one person said. Two things that really come to mind. The first is if they'd listen to me, that doesn't mean agreeing with everything I said. It means actually hearing what I was trying to tell them. There's an important difference in what they said. It's not that they expected someone to agree with them or even to fully understand what they are going through. It was just to hear them out, acknowledging that what they were feeling is real. Because here's what happens when your teen comes to you and says, I feel anxious, or I can't do this, or they just go quiet and pull away. And your response is you'll be fine, or everyone gets nervous or just push through it. What they hear is what I'm feeling doesn't count. And I get it, as a parent, your instincts is to reassure, to fix, to make better. That instinct comes from love. But reassurance without acknowledgement can feel like a dismissal to your teenager who is genuinely struggling, even when that's the last thing you're intending to do. So before you try to fix it, before you jump into a solution, try this. That sounds really hard. Tell me more. That's it. Just let them talk without jumping in to solve it. Put your phone down, make eye contact, don't interrupt with, but have you tried this type of statements? Or when I was your age, this is what we went through, because oftentimes parents like to say how much harder it was. But we just want to stay in the moment and let there be silence if they need it. As a therapist, we have to get comfortable with silence. And you'll be surprised how just being silent allows the space for someone to think and to continue to share. A lot of parents weren't taught this kind of listening growing up. If your parents' way of handling hard emotions was to just push through or keep busy or just not talking about it at all, sitting with your child's pain is going to feel deeply unfamiliar. It might even feel wrong, like you're not doing anything. But being present is doing something. It's one of the most powerful things you can do. And sometimes the reason a parent struggles to sit with their child's anxieties because they've never learned to sit with their own. If you recognize yourself and that you're not alone in the slightest bit, it might just mean that getting some support for yourself is part of how you show up better for your teenager, too. It's not selfish. That's modeling exactly the kind of help seeking you want your child to learn. If you're a teenager listening and thinking, yeah, my parents never did that, that makes sense. When you don't feel heard, your brain learns to stop sharing. That's a survival response, not a character flaw, but you deserve to be heard. And it's not too late to find people who will hold space for you. And it's not too late to keep trying with your parent as well. I've seen this in my practice when a teen finally feels hurt by their parents, you can almost watch their shoulders drop, the tension release because they don't have to carry the secret alone anymore. And for the parents who learn the skill, the relationship changes for them too. Their team starts coming to them before things escalate because they now know they won't get a lecture and that they will be hurt.

Get Help Without Having Answers

Jessica N. Davis 7:50

Two, you don't have to get it to get help. This next one takes so much pressure off parents who feel really stuck. One of the most common posts I saw was from parents saying things like, I don't understand my daughter's anxiety. And one dad wrote that exact thing as a post title. Here's what someone replied. It's been hellish to find help and manage it myself. I wish my parents would have helped me when I was younger. You don't need to get it. You just need to get them help. And she was exactly right. You don't need to get it. You just need to get them help. So many parents wait. They wait until they understand what their child is going through. They wait until they're sure it's bad enough. Sometimes they wait because they think maybe it's just a phase. And that waiting happens because we've been taught to try and find the best solution to the problem. That if you're going to help, you need to fully understand what's wrong first. But anxiety doesn't work like a problem you can solve on paper. It's messy, it's emotional, and it doesn't always make sense from the outside. You don't need to understand the storm to hand someone an umbrella. Someone shares something that I really think would help with this. It says, I played with kids fine, apparently, but inside I was drowning. I wish my parents had taken me to see a therapist in middle school when it first started. Inside, I was drowning. Because anxiety and teenagers doesn't always look like what you'd expect. And this is something I really want parents to hear. It's not your fault if you don't recognize it. Nobody teaches this either. Sometimes anxiety shows up as anger, sometimes it shows up like attitude or defiance. It can look like a kid who just doesn't want to get out of bed or go to school. One person described feeling like they were walking on eggshells in their own home and their parents just saw a difficult child. Another talks about how being the perfect student on the outside while their mind was spiraling every single night. And then there's the physical side that captures parents off guard too, stomach ache, headaches, fatigue that shows up right before school or social events, those aren't excuses. The body is genuinely responding to stress, even when the teen can't put into words what's wrong. So if you're thinking, but I don't even know if it's anxiety, that's okay. You don't need a diagnosis to make a phone call. You don't need to be an expert to say something feels off and I just want to get my child some support. That's enough. That is more than enough.

Rethinking Medication Without Fear

Jessica N. Davis 10:26

Three, don't make medication the enemy. This one is going to be one that I think a lot of parents struggle with and are resistant to. But it came up constantly in these threads, and I'd be doing you a disservice to not share it. Someone asked, Do you wish your parents would have put you on medication? The top response was blunt. 1000%. I think I would have done a lot better in school and life had I gotten medication sooner. And in another thread where a parent was posting about 13 wanting to go on anti-anxiety medication, someone responded, I wish my parents listened to me when I told them I needed to go on medication. It would have saved me years of needless stress and resentment. Years of stress and resentment. I don't think most parents who hesitate about medication are being careless. In fact, I understand the hesitation with medication. I think they're scared and the fear is completely understandable. There's a lot of information about medicating teenagers. Parents worry about side effects, dependency, about changing who their child is. And those worries come from a real place of wanting to protect their kid. And I'll be honest with you as a clinician, medicating a teenager is more nuanced than medicating an adult. Developing brains respond differently. Finding the right medication and the right dose takes time and careful monitoring. These are legitimate conversations to have, not just fear or stigma. So if you've had concerns, that doesn't make you a bad parent. It means you're thinking carefully. And I want that. I would want that for any of my clients. But here's what I'd want to push back on. When a teen is asking for help or when a professional is recommending medication as part of a treatment plan that's worth exploring. Not committing too blindly, but exploring. Because taking a tool off the table before you even looked at it can leave your child without something that might genuinely change their quality of life. I'm not saying every teenager needs medication. In fact, I don't think they do, but what I am saying is that therapy and medication aren't opposites. They're often teammates. And the most helpful thing a parent can do is approach that conversation with curiosity instead of fear. So if this is you, talk to a professional, ask questions, learn about what's being recommended and why. Make an informed decision together as a family. That's very different from a blanket no. And your teen will feel that difference. They'll see it. If you're a teen who thinks medication might help you, but you're afraid to bring it up, your voice matters in this conversation. Asking for help isn't a weakness. It's knowing yourself well enough to say, I need more support than what I'm getting right now. That takes real courage to even communicate. And ultimately, I think, you know, I'm a firm believer of just trying for a season, you know, trying in a period of life where maybe things are a little bit less stressful. So I often tell families, if you are going to try medication, maybe try it during the summer where you're not in school and there's not this up and down worry about how the medication will impact their bodies for the cost of waiting. This

The Real Cost Of Waiting

Jessica N. Davis 13:40

one really stayed with me because across all of these threads, the deepest pain didn't come from parents who tried the wrong thing. It came from the gap where nothing happened at all. One person wrote a post called Anxiety and Depression Destroyed My Teenage Years. They were turning 20 and reflecting on losing their entire adolescence on untreated anxiety. Another person, 50 years old, responded to a parent asking for help with their anxious 13-year-old and said, as an entirely dysfunctional 50-year-old, I feel like if my parent had paid this much attention, things would have been very different. 50 years old, still caring it, still wondering what could have been. I share this not to scare anyone because that's definitely not the goal. But I'm sharing it because I think it's important to understand what's at stake. Anxiety that goes unsupported in the teenage years doesn't just go away. It often grows. It shapes how someone sees themselves, how they handle relationships, stress, how they move through the world as adults. So many people in these threads said the same thing. I finally got help in my 20s, or I started therapy at 30. They eventually got there, but they lost years that they didn't have to lose. And here's the flip side because I want you to leave with something super helpful and real. The parents who were posting on Reddit asking for help, the ones saying, I don't understand, but I want to. People in the comments were telling them, You are already doing more than most. One person said, I wish my parents did what you're doing right now. Just asking the question, just showing up and saying, I can see that something is wrong and I want to help you figure it out, that's the bar. And it's lower than you think. Showing up doesn't mean having a perfect plan. It means being willing to learn alongside your kid instead of waiting until you feel like you have all the answers.

How To Start Today And Close

Jessica N. Davis 15:28

So here's what I want to leave you with. If you're a parent listening to this, doing something imperfect is infinitely better than waiting for the perfect moment. Because the perfect moment doesn't come, it doesn't exist. What comes is another day where your teen is carrying something alone and another day where you could have said, I'm here. If you're not sure where to start, look for a therapist who specializes specifically with teenagers and uses evidence-based approaches like CBT or DBT. If you're not sure where to find one, you can ask your child's doctor, pediatrician for a good first step. You can also look on Psychology Today or Google. Now AI. There's so many different ways to find the right fit for your child. And if your team isn't ready for therapy yet, that's okay. Start with listening. Start with, I see you're struggling and I want to help. That conversation alone can change so much for them. And if you're a young person who recognize yourself in any of these stories, what you're feeling is genuine. It matters, and you don't have to carry this alone. There are people who will listen. I promise you that. If this episode helped you, please share it with someone who needs to hear it as well. And if you haven't left a review yet, I would truly love it if you took the two minutes to do that. It helps more people find the show. Thank you so much for listening. I truly appreciate it. Until the next time, keep moving forward. Trust yourself. And never forget, you have what it takes to block out the noise.