Positioning is not Pursuing

For the Season 3 premiere of The Powder Room Podcast, we're going back to the topic that always gets the conversation started: Dating.

When the suggestion was made that single women should be willing to initiate contact or demonstrate interest in a man, the response was loud and divided. For some women, making the first move feels confident and intentional. For others, it feels thirsty, desperate, or like being a “pick me.” But have we confused showing interest with chasing a man?

In this episode, we explore the difference between positioning and pursuing — and whether fear, pride, past hurt, or the fear of rejection has caused some women to become so determined not to chase that they have become unavailable. Using the story of Ruth, Naomi, and Boaz, we'll examine what happened when Ruth was encouraged to position herself in the right place — and why sometimes faith requires more than sitting back and waiting.

You don't have to chase love. You don't have to convince anyone to choose you.

But could it be possible that the love you desire requires you to step out of hiding, enter the field, and allow yourself to be seen?

Because positioning is not pursuing — and visibility is not desperation.

Transcript

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What if the man you've been praying for has walked right past you and never knew you existed? A couple of months ago there was a viral debate on Instagram when a pastor suggested that there was absolutely nothing wrong with a woman initiating contact or expressing interest in a man, and as you can imagine, the internet exploded. Women called it desperate, they called it thirsty, and they called it pick me behavior. But why are we so offended by this? Why has simply showing interest become so controversial? Are we protecting our femininity or are we protecting our fear? Believe it or not, some women have confused waiting on God with hiding from opportunity. Maybe the issue isn't that there aren't good men. Maybe we're standing where they can't see us. Welcome to the powder room, where we discover the message within our messes. I am your host, Ivy Ashley. In today's episode titled Positioning Is Not Pursuing, we'll discuss exactly what that means and why this whole idea of being found may be solidifying a single status for a lot of us church girls. Um Back. I know it has taken me a minute to get it together, but I had to wait and start releasing episodes until I felt I was ready because your girl has been exhausted physically, mentally, emotionally, all the things. Not necessarily because there's anything bad going on, but my life is a lot right now, and I'll probably be sharing little bits and pieces of what's been going on with Ivy over the next few episodes. But until then, stay tuned. I am back. And trust, we have a doozy to talk about today. So I am not gonna make you guys wait any longer. Let's go ahead and dive into this topic for today. So the difference between positioning and pursuing, and the difference is massive, okay? I mean, pursuing says I have to make this happen. But positioning says I'm making myself available if God opens the door. Many women believe if he wants me, he'll find me. But find you where actually. Sometimes our fear can kind of get the best of us. And trust me, I totally get it because starting a new relationship or getting involved or connecting with somebody initially, it is very scary, and we don't want to put ourselves out there being vulnerable because there's always the possibility of being hurt or being disappointed. But guess what? That is life, and that is how we grow, that is how we learn. So there is absolutely no way we can stop life from happening to us, and I think many times we have to learn to take the experience, whatever that experience may be, for exactly what it is, learn from it and move forward. Because if we continue to harbor on the negative parts of things, it's going to keep us stagnant. And we definitely do not want that. And sometimes we call it I Know My Worth when really it's I'm afraid of rejection. And I want to share actually a little tidbit that I received from one of my Facebook friends, and he's a minister. He was talking about how this whole idea of being found has been totally misinterpreted. So, and I was like, yes, it messes them up every single time. And he said that if women took the time to look up what that word means in the Hebrew, it'll bless their whole life. And this is his his words that I'm sharing with you. He said the word means more than searching for a woman, it's talking about discovery, recognizing and receiving a valuable gift. In other words, when a man recognizes and embraces the right woman as his wife, he has discovered something good and has favor. It has absolutely nothing to do with how you meet. So guess what? Going up to somebody and introducing yourself or saying hello or initiating a conversation has absolutely nothing to do with him finding you. He finds you or recognizes your value once the connection has been made. It has nothing to do with how you guys initially meet. Okay, but let's go just a little bit deeper because a whole lot. And I think I used to be one of the ones who would always sue, I'm ready for my bo ass. So I will go ahead and say I used to be a culprit, but let's take a look really at what Ruth did. She didn't chase Boaz, she positioned herself. And I'm sure many of us have heard the story, read the story, heard a whole bunch of sermons, had heard a whole bunch of interpretations, and so we are familiar with it. If you are not, go ahead and read the book of Ruth for the sake of time. I'm not going to get too deep in that, but I do want to make a few points. Ruth was widowed, she was poor, she was foreign, she was vulnerable, and she wasn't necessarily looking for romance because if you remember in the story when her and I think Orpa, um their husbands had died, Ruth's sons, and Ruth said, you know, your husband's my sons are dead. And if you want any chance of getting married, go ahead and go back to where you came from. Because even if I had a baby today, are you gonna wait 20, 30 years uh for them to grow up? It's not conceivable. That's the word I'm looking for. So go ahead and go back to your country, go back to your homeland. I'm not gonna be mad at you, do what you gotta do. And Orpa said, All right, sis, I'm out. But Ruth was like, nah, I have this connection with you, um, Naomi. I am going to stay with you. Your God is gonna be my God, your people gonna be my people. So she stays with Ruth. And then, or she stays with Naomi. And when the idea or thought of boaz existing, it wasn't even about romance, it was about redeeming, you know, what was rightfully hers, because back in those times, you had to have a man to do that, women couldn't, you know, get an inheritance, inheritance, um, so to speak. So Naimi, Naomi coached Ruth. She told her, listen, go to this feel, observe, present yourself well and wait. Notice. Naomi never said, Go convince Boaz. She never said flirt with him. She never said manipulate him. She simply instructed Ruth to be where opportunity existed. So when Ruth went out into, you know, those fields and started gathering, and Boaz recognized her as she was working, then instructed his workers to throw some extra away so that you know make it easier for her to gather. That wasn't because of anything she did to manipulate Boaz's actions. It was because she was at the right time and she was in the right place at the right time responding to the instructions that had been given to her by Naomi. Okay, I know I threw a whole bunch at you right there, but I hope you caught it. So Boaz noticed Ruth before Ruth ever spoke to him. Why? Because she was present. She was present. So, question. How many women are praying for Boaz while refusing to enter the field? My God, today. The field might be volunteering, it might be going to conferences, it may be church, networking, community groups, travel. It may all be a whole lot of different places. But listen, if all you do is go to work, go to church, and come home, you don't have any type of social life, then it's going to be pretty hard for you to meet any possibilities. And that's just practical. Unless you're going after the Amazon, the FedEx man, and the way I hear it sometimes, that's probably not who you want, but that's a whole nother different discussion for another day. So you have to position yourself. You have to position yourself, and just think about it like this God can order your steps, but you still have to take them. He is not taking any steps for you. We still have work to do. So let's think about why some women reacted so strongly to the scenario that I started this episode with about the pastor saying that there is nothing wrong with women initiating conversation with a guy. And it it really does not have to be because you know we have thoughts in our minds that, you know, this is the one. No, it's just striking up a conversation. So none of us should be approaching somebody for the first time thinking, oh, this is gonna be my husband. Girl, you ain't even said hey yet. Can we get past, hey, how you doing? My name is before you start, you know, a trip to Davis Bridle to pick out a wedding dress. No, no, no, no, no, no, don't do that. That's that's crazy, okay? But possible reasons why some women reacted so strongly to that message. And a lot of it is rooted in fear and the fear of being rejected. I don't want to look foolish, and it's a possibility, not necessarily that you look foolish, but that you will be rejected. I mean, I look at it this way, honestly. If I ask for something, and it could be ask God, ask my sister, ask anybody, if I ask for something, and the answer is no, that's the worst answer that they could possibly give me is to reject or say no to my request. And guess what? I didn't stop breathing just because somebody told me no, my life went on, and that's really how we have to look at things. Everything won't always go our way, and I think sometimes the no's are what builds our character. We learn a whole lot more sometimes from being told no versus being told yes. A few months ago, I had an episode, actually, the last part of last year, I had an episode called Finding the Good and Goodbye. And sometimes that's just necessary, even though you know the hurt and the pain of the goodbye may exist. But sometimes, Lord have mercy, when I think about some of the no's God told me that I thought that I just had to have, and realize years later that it would have been to my detriment if He would have told me, Yes, I can give glory to God for telling me no now. So no is not the worst thing that somebody can say to you. Okay. Um, sometimes it's pride. If he wants me, he'll do everything. I don't know who has told that lie to women, but it is absolutely not true. There was a different conversation that I just saw yesterday, and some women were talking about um how if a man takes them out on the first date, they don't want to go to on coffee dates, they don't want to go to the park, they don't want to go basically on cheap or free dates because they feel like that is low effort. And oh Jesus, y'all. I get so frustrated sometimes because I feel like we, and when I say we, I'm not talking about me specifically, because this is definitely not the case for me, but I just feel like we social media has just like jacked up or contributing or contributed to jacking up the mindsets of so many single women until it is absolutely nuts. And all of these unrealistic expectations that we have of people who don't even know us is just mind boggling for me. Just because a man wants to take you on a coffee date or, you know, an ice cream cone for a first date does not mean it is low effort. I think we have to understand that there is a difference between effort and intention, there is a huge difference because I really don't expect effort from somebody who doesn't know me, but I do expect for him to have intention. Now let me explain. If a man is in a mindset where he is dating for marriage, not necessarily marrying me because he doesn't know me, but if he's moving like he is marriage-minded and that he knows that this is what he wants, this is his end goal to dating, then that is moving with intention. I don't expect effort from him until he decides that I am who he wants to get to know. We have to stop expecting effort from strangers, they don't owe us anything, okay? Now, if he wants to take you to a $200 entree dinner, then that's fine. But let's not discredit the walks in the park. And I'm gonna tell you right now, listen, listen to me when I say I favor coffee days, I favor just a quick meetup, a quick, a quick meet and greet. Why? Because if I don't like you, I don't have to sit through an appetizer, an entree, and all that other foolishness. We can wrap this up real quick because I don't know about you. Sometimes, you know, in the first five, 10 minutes, you can tell what we had on the phone, ain't translating in person. You know, sometimes the connection is just not there, and that is okay. And for me, I don't want to watch you eat, and I'm looking at my watch and have wonder when my girlfriend is gonna call me to get me out of this situation. So I don't mind the quick days. So listen, we have to stop allowing social media to ruin especially what God wants to do in our dating lives and in our potential meeting our mates. Because as far as social media is concerned, we've made dating performative. Everything becomes who's winning, who's chasing, who's settling, who's the prize, who's spending what. Who cares? Who cares? I don't want your money. I get a check every couple weeks. I have been taking care of myself just fine. So if I want to take myself to State 48 or Eddie B's or whatever other restaurant is supposed to be, oh, I forgot. I don't think chain restaurants. Restaurants, you can't do chain restaurants either. That is craziness. I can buy my own food. A date is about getting to know, it's about obtaining data. It's not about the ambiance of the restaurant or what I have on my plate. And if your expectation is that on a first date, then you have got this whole dating thing jacked up. You're just looking to be fed. That's all. And really, I heard someone, a guy say that a woman only has all of these crazy expectations of men that she does not like. Because how many times have you seen us sitting up in McDonald's just as content? Why? Because we like him. So it's like the people that we should have expectations for. The people that we should expect effort from, we don't. But these guys who don't know us, we expect for them to go broke just for a first date. That is crazy. And if that is your mindset, you might as well go ahead and get 10 cats because sis, that is going to be your future if you do not change your mindset, okay? I have a couple more things. It's not gonna be too much of a long one today. So I want to talk about this term pick me. And when you hear someone says that she's a pick me, it's often used to describe women who appear to seek male approval at the expense of themselves. What I want to say is expressing healthy interests is not the same as abandoning your standards. I am beginning to understand that a lot of people are still operating out of their trauma because they have no idea what a healthy relationship looks like. And I have come to understand when you understand your role as a spouse, and I know I'm singing saying this as a single person, but I have had several people to tell me that my mindset is not one of a person who is single. Because I've learned a lot, I've seen a lot, I've taken in a lot, and I've gleaned a lot. So from what I have learned, when a man wants to be with you, when a man understands that God tells him to love you like Christ loved the church, he moves totally different. That doesn't mean that there won't be a learning, you know, process. That that doesn't mean that there aren't adjustments that will need to be made once you're married. But I'm just talking about when you get to the space in a relationship with someone you've been dating, and then y'all are exclusive and y'all are serious. When he determines that he wants you, he moves totally different. So all these crazy requests, they completely go out the window. I'll just leave it at that for now. I'll just leave it right there for now. So when we talk about pygmy, here's my question. Has the fear of being labeled caused women to avoid perfectly healthy behavior? Exactly my point. Some things that we're naming pygmy is the result of a woman responding to being loved properly. And until you experience what it is to be loved properly, you will think that healthy behavior is pygmy behavior. Healthy women don't pursue men. Healthy women position themselves where healthy relationships can happen. And I know this may have been a little heavy. I would say, you know, I kind of came in like a wrecking ball today a little bit, but you know, quick and heavy. But I really want us, especially as women, to think about our mindset when it comes to this whole idea of positioning versus pursuing. I don't want to be necessarily pursued. I believe when I position myself in the right place, when I'm gleaning in the fields doing the work, when I have people in my life who are where I want to be, and I glean from them, the connection that I need to make or that I will make will happen in God's timing. But guess what? I understand that I have responsibility in that as well. It's not just about waiting on God. Because many people waiting on God, he waiting on you too, he waiting on you to do something. What are you doing? In closing, imagine if Ruth had told Naomi, I'm not going to that field. If Boaz is my husband, God can send him to my house. What if Ruth asked a bunch of unnecessary questions versus following the instructions? There would be no story, no field, no conversation, no favor, no marriage, no obit, no Jesse, no David. Her positioning became part of God's providential plan. Ask yourself, ladies. Have I mistaken fear for discernment? Have I mistaken pride for standards? Am I waiting on God or hiding behind theology? Have I become so determined not to chase that I have become unavailable? Because as quiet as it's kept, there are still some amazing men, amazing godly men who are looking for amazing godly women. So remember and hear me clearly, positioning isn't lowering your standards, it's lifting your visibility. And perhaps faith isn't just believing God can bring love into your life, faith is being willing to stand where his blessing can find you. I hope you've enjoyed this week's episode of the powder room, and I hope that it has given you something to think about. It's gonna be a very wild ride this season. I promise, and I hope you are ready. So go ahead, buckle up, tune in, and hang with me. Remember, tune in next week where our episode is titled The Strong Friend Check In. Can't wait to talk to you. You know how to reach me, but let me remind you since it's been a minute, I am on Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok at the Powder Room Podcast. You can reach out to me anytime or email consult IVA at gmail.com. I would love to hear from you. Tell me what you thought about this episode. Tell me um any ideas you have for future episodes, and I promise I will keep them in mind. Take care, have a great week, and be blessed. Bye bye.