Socializing Confidently WITHOUT the Booze

Socializing alcohol free can be daunting, in this episode, we tackle the challenges and strategies of socializing alcohol-free. We explore the fear of rejection, the stigma surrounding sobriety, and the importance of preparation and confidence in social situations. The need for self-discovery, emotional awareness, and the value of experimenting with new social activities are pivotal in breaking down how to navigate these types of events without the booze. We encourage you to embrace the journey, reflect on your experiences, and celebrate your progress in being curious about what life looks like without alcohol. 

IG: @marademauro
Website: www.marademauro.com

IG: @coach_radams
Website: www.reneeadamscoaching.com

Email us: nosedivethepod@gmail.com

Transcript

Renee Adams (00:01)
Welcome back to Nosedive the podcast. I am here with Mara again. Hey Mara, how are you? Good. Today we are talking about socializing alcohol free and this is something that we've seen as coaches come up a lot when we are working with clients, especially I would say pretty early on in to working with clients and especially for those who are

Mara DeMauro (00:06)
Hey, I'm doing well.

Renee Adams (00:28)
early in their sober curious journey. Mara, why do you think it's so hard to think of the times of socializing alcohol-free? Or why do think it's so daunting for people?

Mara DeMauro (00:43)
Yeah, I, I cannot agree more with that. This topic comes up just almost immediately with everyone, you know, we've worked with and it's just so telling. And it's just like a little peep into our culture. And I think right off the bat, it's, people want to belong. And when all we've known and all we've ever really done is socialize with this, you know,

thing in our hand, which we can refer to as alcohol, as being part of that experience, when we start, when we choose to do something different, you know, there's this fear that, well, because I'm choosing to do something different, people are going to think that I'm boring or I think they're bad for drinking or, you know, there's so many things that come into our minds about that, what comes down to a fear of rejection.

Renee Adams (01:16)
Mm.

Mara DeMauro (01:42)
that we're ultimately going to be rejected by our friends or family. And honestly, I think it has, it varies for different people. I've seen some people go through this journey and they're like, yeah, no one asked. No one really cared. Like it's fine. And then some people are like, yeah, I got pushed back a little bit. and it was really uncomfortable. And some people are like, yeah, it happened like once, but then that was it. I noticed most people don't really care.

Renee Adams (01:59)
Mmm.

Mara DeMauro (02:12)
as much as we think people care about what we're doing. ⁓ however, that doesn't get rid of, you know, knowing that is one thing. Okay. Yeah, I understand. Most people don't care, but I still internally might feel a fear of rejection. So it's more so how do we work through and let go of others potentially rejecting us for doing things that we actually want to do. And.

I, I was, I'm kind of like shocked still. I think when I do hear that people get pushed back, I'm like, really? Like that happened. ⁓ but it does happen. And so it's very important to acknowledge that that comes up. And so we're going to talk through how we can help you prepare for those moments and what to say and how to actually socialize more confidently. And I'll add, you know, this just happened. I was down in,

Renee Adams (02:49)
Yeah.

Mara DeMauro (03:11)
Key West visiting some family and one of my friends, was like, she's 26, so young and she's on this like sober alcohol-free journey and she was at book club and she was like, yeah, Mara, I was at book club and someone asked me if I wanted a drink and I said, no, I'm sober and they go, my gosh, don't say you're sober. That makes it sound like you have a problem. Yeah. And she was like,

Renee Adams (03:37)
Wow.

Mara DeMauro (03:40)
She was like, she's like, I just don't understand that sober should be a good thing. Like I'm, I care about my health, but now, you know, I'm getting like, you know, shunned for choosing this lifestyle. And so, you know, that just made me think of a couple of things of like, how there is this stigma around being sober and like one, like, so what, like we, so what if we have a quote unquote problem with alcohol?

Like that you shouldn't, you shouldn't be getting bullied because of that. Like, you know what I mean? Like what? And then, ⁓ too, yeah, just how there is this, ⁓ connotation around that term and what does that mean? And then, so how do you have that come back at you and still remain calm and confident to move through the rest of your book club with feeling like you belong there?

Renee Adams (04:15)
Yes!

Dude, that is so, what a crazy story. that, just the expectations from other people. It's like, why do you care so much? Also, how are you so bold to tell me about my life and my decisions? That is wild. And a lot of the times too, I feel like in these situations where you are

Mara DeMauro (05:03)
I

Renee Adams (05:10)
letting people know that you are being more mindful around drinking. A lot of the times, and this is what happened in my journey too, I remember you helped me sort of work through this, is a lot of the times when there is a reaction, it's usually a reflection on that person. It's there, yeah, it's always there. It's there in security around either drinking by themselves or, ⁓

Mara DeMauro (05:27)
It always is.

Renee Adams (05:36)
Does that mean that I maybe have a problem or does that mean that I, and then they then project those things onto you when in reality you're just, you're just sitting here. You're just sitting here having your NA beverage and living your best life. So I think it's so interesting to hear the different facets of reactions from people because, you know, with my journey and how I showed up, I'm sure you remember.

I was so nervous. I was so nervous, especially when it came to my family, because family and friends, you you socialize with both of those entities and they remember you as one person. And so when you come into this situation being like, no, I'm good. And then you get hit with the why it can be so overwhelming on how to fully answer that question because there's going to be different scenarios.

And how do you address each one of those scenarios? Do you want to give them your entire life story? How much in depth do you want to go? And of course that really is up to you and of course the audience, but I think you touched on it a little bit is sort of that preparation going into these situations with non-judgment. And there really are so many different ways that these

Mara DeMauro (06:41)
Mm-hmm.

Renee Adams (07:05)
scenarios can play out. But I think if you have sort of almost like a one-liner for how to react in those situations, it really does help. And before we go more into sort of the technique or tools, it reminds me of a story too recently with a client who is very new in her sober curious journey. She

had the agenda of meeting with a girlfriend of hers that she, I think, drinks a little more than this client does. And she even told me that she tends to kind of push it on her a little bit. So she went in with some anxiety, but she also went in with a plan that she was going to be the DD. And she was going to order her NA drink and then just kind of see how it went.

And when she told me her experience, it was another experience of kind of that pushback. At first, so this is the interesting part. At first, her friend gives her all this praise about making this decision and it's so healthy for her and she's so proud of her. But then as the day went on, the insecurities I think started coming out saying,

well, are you really having fun? It doesn't seem like you're having fun. And here's my client just being like, no, I do. I'm chill. I'm having a great time. And then eventually the day goes on and she goes, you know, I think I'm just going to, I think we should go because like, I just don't feel like you're having a a good time. and, and again, here's my client, like, dude, I'm having a great, I'm having a great time. What do you mean? Just on, on two completely different pages.

Mara DeMauro (08:52)
Mm-hmm.

Renee Adams (08:56)
So it was such an interesting story because here's this initial send off of, wow, I'm so proud of you. And then it's like, oh, backtrack, backtrack. It's crazy.

Mara DeMauro (09:10)
Yeah,

that's a wild, wild projection for sure. Yeah. And it's, you know, when you were talking about like the whole family thing and like friend thing and how do you, it can be overwhelming with trying to over, you know, explain yourself. And I feel like I just hear in my mind, like, remember to release the pressure to be understood.

Renee Adams (09:16)
Right?

Hmm.

Mara DeMauro (09:39)
Period. Because that's not, you know, it's not really our job to try to get people to understand why we're doing what we're doing. All we need to do is understand why we are doing what we're doing and to accept that, you know, because, ⁓ my gosh. Like, to, like, for example, in this scenario that you're just shared, like

Is it even possible? Like there's so many layers, right? To get someone to be in the same place that you are, to actually understand and be able to just accept rather than project and all these things. you know, it's just, that's too, it takes like so much effort and time. And sometimes there is a place and time to have those deeper conversations with someone, you know, but when it's like you're out and you're socializing, blah, blah, blah, like it's just like.

just be okay with people not really understanding, maybe, or you never know. It could be like, this, it wouldn't surprise me that if this whole interaction with your client and their friend, maybe weeks, months, or even years down the road, it will be like, they will remember that. Like, hold on, this was, you know, you never know where a seed, you never know.

Renee Adams (11:00)
planting that seed,

yeah, a catalyst into conversation. And I think going into these social situations with that released sense of expectation, not really going into it thinking that you have to be this martyr for yourself, going in with the same situation as you would if you thought that you were drinking, going into it with that mindset of this is

what I'm doing for myself. I know I'm going to feel really good. I know I'm still just as fun. I know I'm not bored or boring. I know that I'm not these things that may actually come up when people question my decisions. And I think on the flip side of that is to go into the situation with a sense of compassion for the person who is asking you these questions, because it's not

so much of a judgment, it's a projection. And I think it's also just our human nature to be curious about what we do and how we connect with one another. And it could be actually a catalyst, as you said before, a catalyst into helping someone else kind of figure out what they want to do with their lives. So I think going into it with

an open mind and just a positive spirit, think kind of alleviates some of that anxiety around going into new scenarios that are new for everyone around you, not just yourself, but your friends and family who are used to seeing you as a drinker.

Mara DeMauro (12:40)
Mm-hmm.

Renee Adams (12:48)
Mm-hmm. Yeah, I mean, and I think too with this is something tangible. I think that we can take away from this is something that you helped me to really speak it out loud and almost like this one liner for each scenario. So if you're going into a situation where you're with friends that you usually drink with, writing down a sentence, whatever that is, however in depth you want to get with it.

but really just having this one liner to respond of why you're not drinking and saying it out loud to yourself. That's the key point is hearing your voice utter those words reinforces just like how you prep for any kind of presentation, you say it out loud so you can hear yourself saying those words to kind of build that confidence behind it when you're actually in that situation.

Mara DeMauro (13:44)
Yeah. They, you know, how, how you practice it is how you'll perform it. And I mean, we're always, we're all wearing masks anyway, you know, and when we're in different scenarios. so choose what mask you want to put on before you go into this situation and, and how do you want to perform when you're on stage? You know, spotlights on you get asked, and you can, and you'll notice like, if you show up, Tim it about it, you know, if you have like, you're kind of like.

Renee Adams (13:54)
Ha!

Mara DeMauro (14:14)
not so sure mask on and you're like, yeah, I'm kind of re thinking I'm trying not to drink people like, come on, have a drink, you know, you know, rather, hey, yeah, I'm actually not drinking right now because I freaking hate hangovers, you know, like be like silly weird and like, project that light out and see how people interact with that. So play around with the different types of ways that you want to and

Renee Adams (14:23)
Yes.

Mara DeMauro (14:44)
It is key. And that's what helps me. And that's what helps me all the time with no matter what I'm preparing for. I talk to myself out loud a lot of the time because it you'll know when something feels right. Cause sometimes I'll say something and I'm like, ⁓ that sounds, that doesn't sound like me. I don't think I'll actually say that when it comes time to say what I want to say. And so it gives me the time and space to actually reevaluate that. And yeah.

Renee Adams (14:52)
Mm, yeah.

Mara DeMauro (15:13)
I just wanted like for a moment to jump back because.

I have a client who is going through this right now of like learning how to socialize and how do they want to show up in front of their friends. And she did say, you know, like, and she brought up a great point that at this point in her journey, she's not super like, she's choosing not to drink, but it's, she doesn't feel like she's able to like totally drop in and be silly and be weird because alcohol provided that, you know,

Renee Adams (15:23)
Mm.

Mara DeMauro (15:48)
way to put down guards for that moment. Release your inhibitions, right? And so, know, something that we're talking about, tangible takeaways here, is this is really an opportunity to get creative and to be playful and to find other outlets, you know, of socialization or how you even want to show up in social situations and like push yourself.

Renee Adams (15:54)
Yes.

Mara DeMauro (16:18)
You know, like we don't grow by being comfortable. You know, we have to be a little bit uncomfortable, make sure we're safe. You know, reassure yourself you are safe to go and dance in the kitchen with your friends, even if they're wasted and you're not, you know, and see what that feels like. And just, you know, it might feel really fucking weird and you might not like it, but you have to experiment that first. And then, but maybe you'll notice like, actually that was kind of fun and that was weird. And now I can do that more often.

Renee Adams (16:32)
Mm.

Yes!

Yeah.

Mara DeMauro (16:48)
You so you really,

you have to play with life. That's it.

Renee Adams (16:51)
Yeah,

no, and I love that suggestion because I think not only with socializing but with dating too, that's something that's kind of come up is usually it's dinner and a movie or dinner and drinks. How do you switch that conversation and become more creative in the outings that you actually want to do that don't revolve around alcohol? I think it's a perfect opportunity to

look into different avenues that you actually like and getting in that experimental mindset of what else can I do that won't involve alcohol so that way I'm not even putting myself in the scenario where I even have to decide. So going for a hike, meeting for coffee, doing a lunch date, or even meeting at the gym.

like go for a gym date or something, know, just being creative. And I think you're actually able to maybe understand and learn about other people in a more authentic way, because you're not inebriated by the substance that may show you a different person or maybe not their most authentic self.

Mara DeMauro (17:48)
Hmm.

Totally. Yeah.

Renee Adams (18:13)
Yeah,

it's a really fun avenue. And I think that's the other thing is going into the situation with just an open mind is key with all of this because it's not gonna be perfect the first couple of times. I remember I I practiced so many times and it was all fumbly, jumbly, jabberwocky bullshit when it came out, but I kept doing it over and over and I kept going to more.

I didn't restrict myself either. I pushed myself into uncomfortable situations to get that practice because if you're not in the scenario, you're not gonna push yourself to get to more of a, not a perfect response, but something that you feel more confident in. And you won't know until you push yourself into those situations and setting those boundaries for yourself.

Mara DeMauro (19:05)
Yeah.

Yep.

Totally. I feel like a lot of people will say, like, you know, I'm like kind of stuck at this point. You know, I'm able to not drink, but I'm not really like going out or I'm not doing this. I'm avoiding. And it's like, okay, well, that means that's a great sign telling us, okay, well, we need to go and experiment and we need to, know, but there can be this big fear, but then I'm going to drink. I'm like, just like, as long as your life or someone else's life isn't in danger. If that happens, like allow yourself to

that to be part of the process.

Sorry, Keenie's over here like scratching a pillow. And I'm like, dude, but yeah, I, I also think it's so important to be really honest with yourself where you are in your journey. ⁓ some people like how to socialize confidently, right? And if someone asks you like, what's up, you know, why aren't you drinking? If you know that might be part of it or all your friends are going to a bar and that's going to be a huge, huge trigger for you at that point. Well, maybe.

Renee Adams (19:45)
You're good.

Mara DeMauro (20:12)
Let's not do that at this point in time and let's reach out to our friends and say, Hey, do want to go on a walk and said, so you're not, it's not like you're abandoning your friends or losing connection with them. You're just suggesting different ways to hang out with them. And maybe you decide like, actually this is way more fulfilling. I love the connection that we have when we're not at a bar getting wasted, not remembering the conversation, or you realize. Hmm. There's not really much here besides having a drinking buddy. And so, you know, just, just like experiment with that.

Renee Adams (20:39)
Mm.

Mara DeMauro (20:42)
And be honest with where you are. ⁓ I've also noticed it's so interesting. My clients, the oftentimes they'll start out like, I want to know how to go out with my friends and go to these bars, but not drink. And so, okay, check. do that. You know, they get to that point, they order their mocktails, whatever, and they're out at the bar, blah, blah. And then they take a next step and they're like, Mara, I don't want to go to the bars anymore. Like I want to go out to eat with my friends. And then when they say, let's keep going out and drinking, I want to go home because I don't.

It doesn't do anything for me. You know, so it's so cool to see that natural progression and how their mindset changes and how their value system really changes around what connection means and what socializing is and how it serves them and the people around them.

Renee Adams (21:11)
Yes.

It's a complete evolution, I think, and that's where you get into the breadth of finding and understanding yourself. Because you are going through your own progression, your own evolution, and really understanding what it is that you like to do. And sometimes there is a sort of mourning period of...

the people that you surround yourself with may not actually be it, may not actually fulfill you in the ways that you thought prior. And that's okay. And as you said too, if you are in these situations and you do end up having a drink or whatever it is, that's okay. Again, going back to just being honest with yourself and putting yourself and setting yourself up.

for the best possible outcome. It's not always gonna be perfect. You are gonna go through ups and downs and challenges, but every single time that that happens, it's a data point that you can take back with you and really evaluate how you felt in your body. Okay, what was going on in this situation? What maybe triggered me? What can I do better next time so that I don't end up...

in this place or on the flip side, if you did do a lot of really great things, okay, let's check in with my body with that too, what things went really well. So I think it's something that it's not going to be linear. And I think that's the other thing is that when we get into this journey and we're starting to reduce and we're starting to remove alcohol, we get on this, I think they call it the pink cloud, where we just feel so invigorated and we want to tell everybody about it. And, you know,

Mara DeMauro (23:12)
Mm-hmm.

Renee Adams (23:18)
my God, life is so, which is great. However, there are still challenges that you have to work through that may feel like setbacks, but in reality, it's just another data point on the chart.

Mara DeMauro (23:35)
Yeah. yeah. We could definitely go down a whole conversation around the pink cloud and you know, the whole like, yeah. When you stop drinking life gets amazing. And it's like, yeah, it does. ⁓ but, but it's a, it just opens you up to feeling. So you can't choose pick and choose what you want to feel. So you're going to feel everything. You're going to feel the good stuff, even better, the bad stuff, even harder, quote unquote, good, bad, you know, but you're just going to be more open to.

Renee Adams (23:36)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Mara DeMauro (24:04)
your feelings and that can be really scary or to some people that can be really exciting. And, um, yeah, it's collecting data, uh, and just showing up in different new ways or remembering how you once showed up before alcohol was ever part of your story. And yeah.

Renee Adams (24:24)
Yeah. And I think the last one for me, so we kind of touched upon putting together a script for yourself, saying it out loud, depending on what scenario you're in really helps. think having go to any beverages in the back of your mind when you're in situations, whether that be a Coke Zero, Soda Water with Lime. And there is another element that I recently came across.

If you are going to a bar with friends, showing up there before them, like if you're not ready to have that conversation, getting there ahead of time and go ahead and ordering your drinks so they don't hear you say soda water with lime so that they can say, why aren't you drinking, is a new sort of resource that I've added to sort of my toolkit to bring to clients. That's fairly easy to do. So then you kind of have, and I don't like to,

Mara DeMauro (25:21)
Yeah.

Renee Adams (25:24)
promote avoiding the situation, because I don't think that's great. But if you're so, so new to this space, that kind of gives you an out to not even maybe address it yet if you're not ready.

Mara DeMauro (25:38)
Yeah. Yeah. It's a, it's like a boundary and boundaries are for us, not for other people. So that's like a way to help you get through that space. And it's like a baby step, you know, and I'm just like, yeah, keep taking the baby steps until you can fucking leap. Like, and you'll get there. ⁓ just keep going. And something else that I think is important for people to do when you're in this experimental realm, you know, no, just.

Just really try to notice what comes up for you in your body. ⁓ and it might take a while for you to be able to do this. know it's taken me years, even after like not drinking and smoking and doing drugs and stuff like that of like, is my body communicating and how does it communicate? You know, so when someone meets you with the exciting energy of, my gosh, you're not drinking. That's so cool. Like, tell me more notice how that feels in your heart.

Notice if you feel anything else in your body, just like a tingly or your brain being like, what? cool. They're, they're excited about this too. And then the opposite notice when someone kind of isn't hearing you and they keep pushing, you know, where do you feel that? What does that remind you of? You know, follow that and then, and like journal on it or just like reflect and just allow yourself to experience those emotions and what comes up.

Yeah. Don't judge it. You know, it doesn't mean you have to go back to drinking or, know, it doesn't mean you have to be totally sober. Just like, just check in.

Renee Adams (27:12)
address it. think that's acknowledgement of those things is the first step to breaking down how to process your emotions, is really acknowledging it without that judgment, without that sort of redirection. And that's something I've had to work through too, is you're so open to all of your emotions in a very raw way.

and trying to process that without alcohol and without numbing, you're relearning how to do that. And so just trying to remember to not judge yourself, to not be hard on yourself. It's a whole process. There's not this end goal, this nugget of, once I reach here, everything is going to work out for me. It's a life long.

practice. So try to have a little fun with it.

Mara DeMauro (28:13)
Yeah, totally. I also just had a client say, you know, Mara, I'm, I've been really good at not drinking. You know, I can do that for however long and, you know, but I'm not enjoying the process. So, you know, I hope that if you're listening to this, you walk away with some tips of, and tools of how to actually socialize alcohol free, but.

Renee Adams (28:23)
Thank

Mara DeMauro (28:43)
Don't stop there, you know, because just because you're not drinking, you know, okay, check. Yeah, that's fucking huge. That's amazing. You should give yourself a huge hug for achieving that because that is different, but there you can keep going and keep exploring your inner worlds. And like Renee saying those, you know, that emotional work so that it becomes something enjoyable. It's not like something you're like gripping at, man, I'm not drinking anymore. And I'm like angry about it that I'm not drinking, but I'm not drinking. It's like.

Okay, but like, you know, let's enjoy life and let's figure out how we can do that and like how alcohol doesn't hold the key to enjoying life. So keep, keep going with this. Go deeper.

Renee Adams (29:23)
Yes, yes.

Yeah, and I think so when we have the mind frame of restriction, it actually has almost a rebound effect. When we are in the mindset of restriction, we tend to want that thing even more. So if we open up our mindset to understand that, yes, it's going to be difficult and yes, it's going to be painful and uncomfortable.

you're actually gaining so much more and it's actually opportunities to add more positivity, more abundance to your life. And that is a blanket across so many other aspects of your life. Because if you can sit here and start reducing or removing alcohol, showing up for yourself, showing up to these situations fully confident and courageous, that bleeds over.

into so many other areas of your life. If you're like not a person who runs and you want to do a 5K, shit, you just started removing alcohol and you're doing that damn thing. That means you can do this damn thing too. So it really just bleeds over into so many other aspects of your life, which is why I think it's so important to really take a look into your relationship with alcohol, honestly, because it's just opened up so many different doors.

Mara DeMauro (30:51)
Yeah.

Renee Adams (30:53)
It's so fun.

Mara DeMauro (30:53)
Yeah. I know. I really do feel like it's like, it's the secret sauce to the secret sauce. You know, like it's just you.

Renee Adams (30:59)
Yeah.

Mara DeMauro (31:05)
It's something that is just so ingrained in our culture. you know, but once you kind of unlock that and dismantle the control that it kind of has over you and you realize that so there's so much more beyond that and it's, it's just, it's the best thing ever. ⁓ you know, life, life is imperfect by any means, you know, but that's not what this is about. ⁓ so yeah, dude, that was a mic drop line you had back there.

Renee Adams (31:25)
Hell yeah. Hell yeah.

Mara DeMauro (31:35)
⁓ so I just wanted to acknowledge that you deserve to mic drop.

Renee Adams (31:38)
Thanks, dude.

Thank you. No, I appreciate it. I just always love getting on here talking about these subjects. If you listeners out there have any other feedback for us or if there are topics that you are going through personally that you want us to dive in on, please let us know. You can contact us. We have our contact information in the show notes. And I did want to touch upon. in Savannah, St. Patrick's Day is very big, very big drinking.

town in general, but also just a celebration surrounded by drinking. if I take these tips along with you, we have some from our previous show as well, just about different tips around, yes, traveling while alcohol free, but a lot of those can actually translate into socializing alcohol free too. But if you feel a little nervous going into the St. Patrick's Day festivities,

and just need a little support or additional resources or tips, please book a call with either one of us. The first one is free. We can talk about different scenarios and different ways to help with that. Yeah, that's what we're here for. So Mara, where can they find you?

Mara DeMauro (32:50)
Take care.

on Instagram at Mara DiMaro and on my website maradimaro.com.

Renee Adams (33:00)
and you can find me at coach underscore r Adams on Instagram and renee Adams coaching.com until next time guys. Bye.

Mara DeMauro (33:08)
Boo-yah! Cheers!