When Did My Own Voice Become the Quietest One in the Room?

 Long before we knew who we were, we were shaped by the voices around us. Parents. Teachers. Family expectations. Society. Over time, those messages become the stories we tell ourselves about who we should be, what we should want, and how we're supposed to live.

In this episode, Susan and Laura take a thoughtful walk through the different seasons of a woman's life—from childhood and young adulthood to marriage, motherhood, and midlife—to explore how our inner voice evolves along the way.

Together, they discuss:

• The childhood messages that quietly shape our beliefs
• How comparison and expectations influence our decisions
• Why many women stop trusting their own instincts
• What happens when life finally gets quiet enough to hear ourselves again
• How choosing intention over expectation can help us reconnect with the voice that has been there all along

This isn't an episode about finding your voice.

It's about becoming curious about the one that's been with you all along—and asking whether it's finally time to let it lead.

If you've ever wondered whose expectations you've been living by, or what you truly want in this season of life, this conversation is for you. 

Music: A Special thanks to Tudor Arvinte for our podcast music. 

You can find him at: www.youtube.com/channel/UCJCSbToEWd0WCbHA-QYmW2w?sub_confirmation=1 or Instagram @twodoorluca

Disclaimer:
The information shared on this podcast is for informational and educational purposes only and should not be considered professional mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. We are not licensed mental health professionals, and the content of this podcast is not intended to replace care from a qualified mental health provider.

If you are experiencing distress facing challenges in your mental health or require professional support, we strongly encourage you to seek help from a licensed mental health professional. If you are in crisis or need immediate support, you can contact the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988 or texting 988. Trained crisis counselors are available 24/7 to offer free and confidential support.

This podcast is designed to inspire and support women navigating midlife transitions, but your journey is unique, and professional guidance can make a significant difference.

Transcript

SPEAKER_04 0:00

Well Welcome to Conversations Beyond Borders. I'm Susan. And I'm Laura. Hey Laura. How you doing, Susan? I'm I'm doing okay. It's been a bit of a rough week, but I'm thrilled to be here with you.

SPEAKER_01 0:15

Oh, I'm happy to be here too. It's nice to get a break from the insanity and just have a nice little chat.

SPEAKER_04 0:22

Yeah, it is. It's about a conversation. And this week's this week's episode is really important. Um it's it's it's it's honestly, I think, one of the most crucial things that midlife should women should be having conversations about. And that's about our own voice. Um and how and how that changes and evolves um throughout our lives. And you and I have discussed that I think the best way to manage a topic like this is to start at the beginning. Start at the beginning where our voice is probably the most affected, and that is in childhood, where we are learning from everyone around us what to think, what to feel, how to behave, what not to do, how to be the good person, how to be, how to be the person that everyone else thinks that we should be. So this conversation isn't going to be about how do you find your voice. The goal really is just to be curious about its evolution. Okay. Um, because as we know, that I I think that we would all say that the inner voice isn't always confident or profound, um, but it's honest. Yes. And if we in our midlife can begin to tap into what each of our inner voices are saying, um, yeah, maybe, maybe we'll find things there that we didn't know were there. And I think that's what this podcast is all about. So um let's start, as I say, with our childhood. Um, before we know who we are, we learn from the voices around us. Now, Laura, when you think back to your childhood, whose voice do you remember hearing the most?

SPEAKER_01 2:26

Well, I you know, it's it's funny you ask that. I mean, I remember, you know, and as we were talking about this, and we were talking about this topic for this week. I I don't know if it's because I'm I'm so old. I'm so far removed from from that space. But but I would absolutely have to say it was my mother's voice, but again, I'm so far away from that it's really hard for me to remember. So I had to go back and think about times when I know I either said or acted in a way that would be um uh a mirror or or or something that she had done and something that you know I was used to hearing, whether it was a catchphrase or a way I handled the situation. And and that was really hard for me to to go back and remember that time. Um but but I remember maybe how she how she made you feel? Um not not so much that as it was like like the the only example I can think of, honestly, is newly married, and we, you know, brand new house or first house, and we were in the middle, my husband was in the middle of doing a a home improvement project, and he was really frustrated with something, and I took kind of a almost like a childlike voice, and I'm like, Oh, you know, you silly, it's not that big of a deal. And he got really mad at me because he felt it was very condescending. And I was like, Oh, but that would have been something that I would have heard from my mom, yeah. Just to like, just to try and smooth over, and it's like, don't don't feel bad, it's okay, but it just didn't land well with him, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 4:20

Right, right. Um, yeah, I think when I think back to my childhood, I being Canadian, um, you know, I think there were a lot of values that were instilled in in our in our family culture, that being of kindness and selflessness. Um but I but I think my therapist has identified the fact that maybe way back then I also learned by trying to be selfless and to serve others that it began a period for me and a reference for me going forward that somehow what others needed, um, what what I needed to do for them became more important than what I needed to do for myself.

SPEAKER_01 5:20

Agree, agree. And I also think though, too, that that kind of goes back a little bit to the last episode that that's women in general.

SPEAKER_03 5:26

Right.

SPEAKER_01 5:26

You know, that that's what our culture I doesn't sound like, you know, well, uh the border makes any difference, right? On either side of the border, the culture was that as a female, um, you know, these are the things you do, and you're in you're you're in service, right? You're in service to to whether it's your, you know, your husband, your children, your your boss, whoever.

SPEAKER_04 5:47

Right. Yeah. Well, being the youngest of of three daughters, um, I felt a lot of pressure. Um, and again, you sort of you sort of wonder when that inner voice begins to tell you that maybe you're not good enough or that you're not measuring up, that somehow uh my two older sisters they knew who they were. You know, they knew where they wanted to go with their careers. Um, they were very focused on on that journey. And quite frankly, I didn't know who I was. Yeah, I didn't know where I wanted to go. And there was a lot of pressure at the time. Well, just you know, go to college. That's where you figure it out. And I remember being absolutely terrified, wondering sort of what I got myself into because I didn't have this passion for what um like other people had. They that their their paths seemed clearer, and I felt less then. There must be there, I started very early. There must be something wrong with me. Right, right, right.

SPEAKER_01 6:56

Well, I will say, you know, when you're talking about your inner voice, I will say that um I did learn an inner negative voice, and it was, you know, because my mom's a verbal processor, and so if she would make a mistake, she would call herself stupid. Ah and I don't think, I mean, obviously, knowing what I know now, you know, it was a very just like benign remark, but when you hear it, it slowly kind of feeds in.

SPEAKER_04 7:34

It does, I agree.

SPEAKER_01 7:36

Yeah, and and it wasn't until and I didn't even realize it. And and and I don't ever recall like internalizing it or feeling bad about it. It was just kind of one of those things. Yeah, but then I started my gratitude practice and doing the gratitude journaling, and I and I've told this story a million times, I will never forget. It was about 90 days into the gratitude practice. I my children would laugh, I burned the garlic bread and once again, and I went to pull it out of the oven and I put it on the counter and I didn't say anything, no negative. Oh my god, you're so stupid. How could you do that? Yeah, and I kind of started to go along the rest of you know, preparing the rest of the meal, and I had to take a pause. I'm like, wait a minute, wait a minute. I didn't just beat myself up for that. What what is going on? Um, so it's it's interesting you talk about that negative voice and and where it kind of stems from, right? And it sounds like for you, there was a lot of comparison with your sisters. Absolutely. Honest to God. I mean, I think you were probably the majority of people because at 18, how many people know what they're gonna do with the rest of their life?

SPEAKER_00 8:49

It's unreasonable.

SPEAKER_04 8:51

But there, you know, and I think that competition is also fed in school. Um, you know, we want to be the straight A student, we want to be the one that is getting, you know, the scholarships, we want to be the one that has has the path. But yeah, I think you're right. I think there's a huge majority of us that attach not knowing and not and not being bright enough. Oh, for sure. You're attaching it to that that that word stupid. And um yeah, I think that is used very carelessly, to be honest, in our society.

SPEAKER_01 9:30

Stupid?

SPEAKER_04 9:31

Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's a word I it's a word I don't like.

SPEAKER_01 9:34

No, agree, agree, agree.

SPEAKER_04 9:35

I will it's really not a word uh that I like. So what I I think we should encourage our listeners to do is maybe stop here and say, you know, what childhood messages still shapes you today? Um, be aware, um, be curious about the kinds of things that that even funny family sayings I find as I get older. My kids laugh. They and and and where'd you go, Laura?

SPEAKER_00 10:04

I have to plug in my computer because the battery's low and we're gonna run out of power.

SPEAKER_04 10:14

Welcome, welcome, listeners, to real podcast reality.

SPEAKER_02 10:25

I'm talking to a wall. I know I was listening, I was listening. You could have kept going. Nobody was in the wiser.

SPEAKER_04 10:38

Well, my kids will laugh, you know. Even you know, I think that you would agree that there are times throughout your life where you're right, you may not be conscious of the kinds of things that were said in your household, but they have a way of repeating themselves. Oh, yeah. And um, I always said to my kids, you know, when they were young, maybe high school age, about parties and stuff. And I'm like, you know, you know what they say, and they're like shaking their heads already. And um, I'm like, you know, you can't dance all night if you can't pay the fiddler in the morning. I said that constantly, and I am sure that's what came out of my mother's mouth.

SPEAKER_00 11:20

Oh, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. I never I never heard that phrase before. Yeah, no, maybe it's Canadian. I think it's a Canadian thing. Maybe it's a Canadian thing, but you can't pay the fiddler in the morning.

SPEAKER_04 11:32

Well, eventually we we left home, you and I. Yes. Um, we moved um from that that experience of parental guidance and teacher advice, um, and moved into a world um that they now call adulting. Um and Lily, my youngest, tells me, Mom, the whole adulting thing, that's a farce. Yeah. Because I always said, you know, the next chapter, you just wait till you get there. It'll be so great and it'll be so enjoyable. But with adulting, um, yeah, you know, that voice of a young adult, um, I think is mixed with a lot of self-doubt and a lot of fear and a lot of panic. Um, and certainly today, um, I think young people have a have a right to be concerned about how do I afford the house?

SPEAKER_01 12:36

Oh, exactly.

SPEAKER_04 12:37

How do I how do I even pay for school loans? How do I, you know, I I think that's a that's a realistic worry. And for us, um we didn't have to worry about the school environments as as our kids uh, you know often did, because they were a lot safer, but it was still that message coming from my childhood that was like, make sure you pick a safe partner, make sure you pick the man that's most like your father, yeah, because that's who you're going to trust, right? Right. And that fairy tale story, as you and I talked about, um, continues to be told. Yeah. And the sort of the dream versus the reality sometimes is a hard one.

SPEAKER_01 13:26

Oh, for sure, for sure. And it's so funny because you know, you talk about the the you know, messaging, you know, make sure you pick somebody like your dad. You know, with me coming from a divorced household, um, I never got that, right? I never got that message in that regard. Um, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 13:46

Do you find do you find that, do you think maybe that you coming from a of a divor, divorced home, that was there even a greater worry about not wanting to repeat that or making sure I did pick the perfect person so that that you know you could be assured of not living that yourself?

SPEAKER_01 14:14

For sure, for sure. So there's a couple things I was very, very, you know, very mindfully looking for. So I'm divorced, married a second time. So in my my first marriage, when I met my first husband, um, when I when I grew up in my my dad, my dad and my brother left, changed states. And I always I didn't realize it at the time, but I missed having that family unit. And so when I married my first husband, he had this massive family unit. I mean, massive. I mean, it was his dad had you know six brothers who had six wives, who each had at least two kids, and everybody for the most part lived close. So family gatherings were 60 people easy. And and it just was this great fun energy that that I was really craving. Um, but the other thing I I was was looking for is I was looking for, you know, you know, what what level of stability does he have? You know, his parents are still together, the family unit's super strong, you know, all of these things that I looked for because, you know, looking for or considering someone as a life partner, knowing that we would have children together, these are all things I wanted for my future children. And so having the big family unit and being able to have those gatherings and that security, that security of all these people, you know, that surround you and love you and will be there for you, you know, to celebrate, you know, all the graduations and the weddings and all the things. Yeah, but we'll also be there for you to, you know, help pick you up when when things aren't so great. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 16:02

Do you think do you think that that that newly married voice um was was confident about your role in uh in helping shape that family?

SPEAKER_01 16:25

Absolutely not. So when I got married, I was twenty. I was twenty years old when I got married. And so no, I did not have enough world experience to have my own voice. I didn't have enough world experience or education or knowledge to really be, like you said, confident enough in certain things. Now, I would say I was one, and maybe that was just based out of because of that, but I've been one that has learned how to rely on my gut. And sometimes I don't have a fact, I don't have an example, but there's something in my gut that is screaming this is not okay. Um, which sometimes was a challenge to convince other people that, you know, this is not okay. Well, why? I don't know. It's just not okay.

SPEAKER_00 17:21

It's just not. There's something that's telling me it's not.

SPEAKER_04 17:23

Um well, I think that's the key, right? Is is is I think we do have that inner voice, regardless of how complicated our adult lives can get at times, but it's the intentional listening, it's the being aware that that inner voice can truly help guide us, keep us safe, yeah, and um help us take those next steps. No, agree, agree, agree.

SPEAKER_01 17:54

So and it's important to have the language around it too. It's important to have the language to explain the inner voice, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 18:00

Yeah, yeah. No, I think that's that's that's something that um probably I didn't do enough of. I didn't I didn't give it enough weight. Um I probably worried a little too much about what other people thought, what other percent doing.

SPEAKER_01 18:22

100%. Um, wouldn't you say also trying to get into with a new family? I mean, you you're so worried about what they're gonna think and and and are they going to like you? And if they don't like you, you know they're gonna carry a lot of weight with your husband, right? Or your future husband.

SPEAKER_04 18:38

Yeah, combining two families is I think one of the hardest things ever. And I think maybe that's when our voice gets quiet, depending on on your environment. I'm sure our listeners have a variety of environments that they would love to share. Um, but just between you and I, um, you know, we we did live very different lives, but somehow this funnel of expectation gets us all moving in a direct in trying, you know, this is what we should be doing. Right. Agree. It's not it's not necessarily the right life, it's simply the best life you knew how in the moment. Right.

SPEAKER_01 19:22

No, yeah, absolutely, absolutely. And you're and you're right. I mean, that's a great call out. I mean, it doesn't matter if you know you you came from Canada, you came from the US, you you know, married, ended up divorced. It's it's all the same. It's it's it's all the same, it's all the same struggle.

SPEAKER_04 19:37

Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_01 19:39

Agree, agree.

SPEAKER_04 19:40

So um, you know, we could probably go on forever about that, that, you know, newly married. Um, I've been married almost 40 years. I could probably go on about 40 hours about about, yeah, sometimes, particularly when we moved to the United States and I was very much alone. Um, I, you know, I had a career I before I left, and it was talk about listening to an inner voice at that moment saying, I I can I have to keep my children safe. I have to keep my seven, my five, and my newborn um safe and to sacrifice a piece of me that had had been really important my whole life. So now I'm thrown into this maternal role that that I really didn't see coming. And and that voice that that was hard. I remember I remember being sad, I remember being lost, I remember being overwhelmed. My husband traveled extensively, I missed my family, I didn't have the contacts, I didn't have friends, and I was very much alone. It was a really kind of scary time for me during that time. So I think you and I could talk a very long time about that period, but um I think what might interest our listeners even more is that empty nester voice, that midlife, actual midlife, when perhaps the maternal role it is quieter and our responsibilities in the household have been diminished. What con what is your inner voice said during that period, do you think, the most?

SPEAKER_01 21:45

So so that's interesting. So, you know, you talk about the maternal period and and you know, thinking about how, you know, I went from you know, married life and and kept it quiet, keep the peace. But at the same time, if the kids needed anything, you know, totally push myself out and my voice out and learning to speak up in that arena, right? Maybe not necessarily in the in the marriage space or the couple space, but definitely, you know, with the kids, I I I had to go through almost like I was forced into a rebuilding process. Um, but because I did end up, you know, my my marriage ended. Um it's interesting because the the the emptiness thing and the marriage thing kind of all happened for me at the same time.

SPEAKER_03 22:39

Right.

SPEAKER_01 22:39

So so the kids are, you know, either in college or graduating from college, close to graduating, I'm starting a new job, a new life, and I'm also setting new boundaries for myself or new expectations for myself.

SPEAKER_04 22:54

And yeah, what do you want?

SPEAKER_01 22:56

Exactly, exactly. And and when I finally did get back into like the dating world and looked at what that was gonna look like, I I made a promise to myself, and it was scary. It was scary. I made a promise to myself, I will never hold back, I will be respectful, I will make sure that it's not in the heat of the moment. I will try to speak clearly and unemotionally, but I will never hold back what my true desires, thoughts, feelings, and emotions are ever again.

unknown 23:35

Right.

SPEAKER_04 23:35

And it's there is something to be said about that chapter where where maybe some of the insecurities or or or is it just like I'm done? I'm done caring about what other people think. Yeah, I'm caring about tired of maybe maybe sitting in the corner and not speaking my mind because you don't want to rock the boat or you don't want to create another family crisis. I I I hear you. Um I absolutely hear you.

SPEAKER_01 24:07

Um so with with now, so so with with like I said myself, with all of that that was going on, I'm assuming, just based on my own perspective, that it's a little bit easier for me, even though it's very scary, but also holding true to the ideal that whoever comes into my life, if they're gonna partner up with me, they're gonna have to be okay with all of me. What would that what was that like for you, you know, as your kids are leaving and they're you know, you're going through this empty nest phase, but you're in the same relationship with with an established set of ground rules, if you will, and expectations. That's a great question, Laura.

SPEAKER_04 24:57

I it's it's it's one that I've actually thought a lot about. Um, because I think as as mothers, you said it earlier, we are so willing and and and and and capable of responding to every whim you know of our child. And I think when the empty nest happens, there's this strange phenomenon of going, do I really know my husband? Do I uh are you know, is our is our connection strong? Is our connection the same? Um, there's a little trepidation of who are we now together? Um yeah, it's something that I talk about with my therapist because I want this chapter. Um there's a you know, there's a lot of times when you when you talk to your friends and you hear about that, you know, one's going this way and one's going that way. And it really, I think comes down to some some really good communication about about hopes and dreams again, about what you want at this stage of your life. But there can even be, you know, discussions that, oh, I really thought that you, or I thought that you, and it's work, it's like anything in a marriage, it's still work, important work. So, yeah, that's a really good question.

SPEAKER_01 26:38

Interesting. No, that's that's interesting. Um, because again, I would never consider that perspective because, you know, and in that journey, because that wasn't mine, right? It was I almost feel like it was a little bit easier for me in that regard of you know, I don't have to deal with that dynamic of, you know, essentially, okay, I've been buying my tongue for all these years. Now I'm gonna, you know, start speaking up.

SPEAKER_00 27:02

Sorry, you're gonna have to get used to it.

SPEAKER_04 27:04

You're still in the fairy tale stage.

SPEAKER_00 27:06

Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_04 27:07

That's what's going on. I guess, I guess, in in order to sort of wrap up this this episode about voices and where they all come from. What kinds of things um is your voice saying is important, like in this phase of your life? You know, I we all talk about slowing down and trusting yourself. And um, you know, really um I think you know, we talked about the whole yes, I'm fine in the last episode about should we be able to say no a little easier? Can we be honest and transparent with our friends? What kinds of things um is your voice saying in this stage?

SPEAKER_01 27:58

Well, I would say, you know, in it's funny because your your social media, you know, picks up and you know, your preferences, and you get the algorithm and you get all the things right. And I'm seeing a lot of content for you know women our age that are like, you know, you know, I'm in my I don't care era, and you know, and and it's it's true. It it's true, and it's not that I don't care, it's that I'm now starting to focus more on what I want this chapter of my life to look like. Right. And there's just so there's definitely that, but there's also finally making space for my own healing, healing from you know, childhood traumas, healing from traumas in my first marriage, and just really getting in and and focusing on being the best me. Now, I will say you talk about slowing down, and we keep talking about this, and when the times are quiet, and I'm really starting to feel convicted that I have created a life for myself that I don't allow that space. Yeah, I absolutely do not allow that space.

SPEAKER_04 29:14

And you don't take the time, the intentional time to be still and to be quiet without being, you know, having that stimulation in your life.

SPEAKER_01 29:24

Exactly.

SPEAKER_04 29:25

Um, what what do you think that is based in? What where's that voice from?

SPEAKER_01 29:29

Oh, that's coming from the fact that there's probably things I don't want to deal with yet. I would, I would, I that to me that was easy. That's easy. That's easy. I know, I know that. Um, but what those things are, I don't know. I don't know.

SPEAKER_04 29:44

Yeah, yeah. Well, I think this is a time, you're right, to give yourself the space um and the permission to finally put ourselves on the top of that list and realize that we've you're supposed to be wise at this age. Um, and that wisdom, I think, comes from, as you said, some pain and some disappointment and and and regret. Um, but it's that living more intentionally. And I listened to a podcast a friend told me about the other day. Um, and it talked about the things that we say to ourselves when we first get up in the morning, because that's when our our cortex in the front of our brain is most susceptible to to shaping our day. And I loved one aspect, and it said something about choosing a word of the day. And I went, hmm, you know, is does that really work? Um, but I think I think it is that intentional living when we say that today's gonna, I'm you know, gonna be about being courageous. Maybe it's the boss that you intended, you know, to speak a little more clearly. Maybe it's a doctor that um, you know, you need some accountability from. And so today was courageous, and I don't know if I fulfilled it, but it was a voice that I heard all day long. It was something that was in the back of my mind that said, I want this to be the focus of today, and I don't want 10 other things, I don't want all of that noise, yeah, messing up. Yeah, yeah. I don't, I I I need a clearer voice for sure in midlife, one that is a lot more intentional.

SPEAKER_01 31:45

I like that. I like that, I like that word of the day. Um, I'm actually going to get my sticky notepad and my sharpie marker out. And actually, you know what? You can use dry erase markers on your bathroom mirrors. You don't even need to use a sticky uh notepad. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah, it will wipe right out.

SPEAKER_04 32:01

And it was also, yeah, I think I'm gonna make like a something in Canva that um allows me to put um the word of the day every day on the wallpaper of my like that. I like that a lot. It's just again having intentionality about what we want to think about all day and making sure that voice um is very clear about what you finally want. You know, it's not that our voices are new, it's just maybe it's simply easier to hear in midlife. Um, so what we kind of want to leave you with um is this is this curiosity that we spoke of at the beginning. Um you know, our voice has grown with us, it's learned, it's adapted, um it loved, it carried, and now life is just you know quiet enough to hear it again, not louder, just more clearer. And so hopefully um just our insights and what we've experienced um you know throughout our lives, um will cause you to think about have our listeners think about their voice and how it was shaped and developed, and wondering, yeah, what they want. What is what is your voice? What do you want it to say? In this stage of life, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 33:32

But what do you what do you yeah, what does your voice need to be to live your best life at this stage? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, because we all deserve that. Well, let's leave it there. Yeah, let's leave it there. Um, thanks for joining us. Yes, yes. And if you want to comment or you want to join the group, you can join us on Facebook at Conversations Beyond Borders with you. Just it's a private Facebook group. You can go in and fill out the information, and we'll send you an email link to be able to join the group.

SPEAKER_04 34:05

Right. And of course, we're on all the social media platforms under Conversations Beyond Borders, and we would love to hear from you. Um, you know, we we try to continue this discussion um and this sort of thoughtful conversation, um, you know, following the week of the podcast so that we can, yeah, begin to have a deeper conversation about the subject. So we look forward to you uh next week. We will see you then. Thanks. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 34:34

See you.

SPEAKER_04 34:35

Bye.