Maybe You're Not Tired... Maybe It's Capacity

"I'm just so tired."

It's become one of the most common phrases we hear in midlife—but what if we're using the wrong word?

In this episode, we explore the idea that what many of us call tired may actually be something deeper: a shift in our capacity.

From grocery shopping that suddenly feels like a major event to planning dinners, traveling, learning new technology, caring for aging parents, supporting adult children, and managing the invisible mental load of everyday life, we're asking a different question:

What if nothing is wrong with you?

Together, we unpack the many forms of capacity—mental, emotional, social, and sensory—and why midlife often changes how much we can comfortably carry. Rather than viewing these changes as a sign that we're becoming less capable, we explore how they may actually be an invitation to live with more wisdom, intention, and self-compassion.

If you've ever wondered why the things that once felt easy now require so much more of you, this conversation will remind you that you're not alone—and you're certainly not failing.

In this episode, we discuss:

• Why "I'm tired" may not tell the whole story
• The hidden mental and emotional load of midlife
• How capacity extends far beyond physical energy
• Why protecting your time isn't selfish—it's wise
• The difference between doing less and living more intentionally
• How giving yourself permission to slow down can become one of midlife's greatest gifts

Pull up a chair and join us for an honest conversation about redefining what it means to have enough—and discovering that honoring your capacity isn't a limitation. It may be one of the wisest things you ever do.

Music: A Special thanks to Tudor Arvinte for our podcast music. 

You can find him at: www.youtube.com/channel/UCJCSbToEWd0WCbHA-QYmW2w?sub_confirmation=1 or Instagram @twodoorluca

Disclaimer:
The information shared on this podcast is for informational and educational purposes only and should not be considered professional mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. We are not licensed mental health professionals, and the content of this podcast is not intended to replace care from a qualified mental health provider.

If you are experiencing distress facing challenges in your mental health or require professional support, we strongly encourage you to seek help from a licensed mental health professional. If you are in crisis or need immediate support, you can contact the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988 or texting 988. Trained crisis counselors are available 24/7 to offer free and confidential support.

This podcast is designed to inspire and support women navigating midlife transitions, but your journey is unique, and professional guidance can make a significant difference.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:06

Welcome back to the second season and episode six of our podcast, Conversations Beyond Borders. This time, Laura, we're going to start with a question for our listeners. That being, have you ever caught yourself saying, I am just so tired? I feel like I hear it everywhere now. My friends say it, women online say it, I say it. And I have to admit, I really thought that I was doing something wrong. Like maybe I wasn't sleeping enough or not getting enough exercise. Maybe I needed to change my diet, but it seemed like this is just a midlife answer for all. And we talked in past episodes, the how are you? And I think I think it's I'm fine or I'm tired. But I'm wondering if that's just a catch-all word for something that we haven't quite figured out how to describe. Because if I'm being completely honest, I don't actually always feel sleepy. It's not always that I don't have energy, but it feels like I just don't have room. Does that resonate with you, Laura? Oh, for sure.

SPEAKER_00 1:30

It feels like I have been tired since May of last year.

SPEAKER_01 1:37

Isn't that the truth? We're gonna really get into um something that's very interesting because we do talk about the word tired, but we're going to reframe that and take a look at the word capacity. It's not really a word that's discussed often, but I think it's gonna be, I think it's gonna be really relevant. So starting with the conversation, you know, it's have you ever noticed that, you know, something completely ordinary, things that something you have done many times before require more from you than they used to?

SPEAKER_00 2:16

Oh, for sure. Like, um, I don't know, doctor's appointments all of a sudden become like a big day event. Maybe the grocery shopping now somehow requires a recovery snack and a sit-down. One of mine for sure. Oh my gosh. Or airport travel, feeling like an Olympic event.

SPEAKER_01 2:40

Well, it kind of is an Olympic event, but I think we're just not very tolerant anymore of the airport experience. Um, that one I can understand, but I'm sure you have others.

SPEAKER_00 2:54

Well, I will, I will, I will, talking about the airport event. I will uh agree with you on that. It seems like there are a lot of people that like to put their airbuds, ear ear pods in and um ignore the rest of the world. And when you're running to get to your next plane, they have absolutely no awareness of anybody else around. No awareness. No, no, no, no, no, no. Um or why packing for a weekend takes more planning than it used to? I think it's also because we have so many more products. What do you mean? Oh my god. So I'm not on a lot of meds, like prescription meds, thank God. But I'm on a lot of supplements. And I'm on the fish oils, and I'm on the powdered creatine. So you're measuring out the creatine and you're measuring out the oh, then there's the collagen powder, and then there's also the chia seeds. And so to go anywhere, it's like a million baby ziploc bags with all of my little portioned-out things. That is, oh my goodness, that is exactly what I do. A million zip bags, the little snacks ones. It's like here's Monday's powders and pills, here's Tuesdays. Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:10

Yeah. Well, yeah, there is that, but it is packing is stressful now. Yeah. Packing's stressful because I you have to think and plan for every scenario. When I think when we were in our 30s, you just winged them.

SPEAKER_00 4:28

Sure, for sure. I tell my husband all the time, or ask him, it's like, ha, when did I become such high maintenance when it came to packing? When I traveled with the kids as a family, I mean, I was like the one that had the least amount of things, right? And now it's like, oh, like you said, it's like, oh, what if it's cold? I have to pack a pair of pants, but what if it's hot? Oh, I have to pack, but then what do I do about a top? And oh my God. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:51

Yeah. Yeah. There's there's definitely a lot more that I maybe, maybe we took for granted uh way back when. No, for sure. Um, but you're right. Um, some of these things that that you have mentioned, um, I know that when you and I were preparing for this, one thing that stuck out for both of us and we talked about extensively was don't you remember when we used to like run out for an errand?

unknown 5:20

Oh god.

SPEAKER_01 5:21

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:22

And then we would be out all day because we were out.

SPEAKER_01 5:25

Uh and and because we were out and we would get several other things done. But now, like running for an errand feels like a full day.

SPEAKER_00 5:34

Oh yeah. I can't wait to get home. When did that happen? I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I was I was just out last weekend and I need to find a new dining room table. And I'm sitting in the parking lot at one of my stops, and I'm like, uh, do I queue up the GPS to go to the furniture store? Do I just go to the grocery store and come home? Yeah. Do I queue? I mean, this debate went on like four or five times before I'm just finally like, whatever. It's it's it's 10 minutes to get there, and you know it's gonna take you probably a half hour while you're over there, because there's three different furniture stores, and it's gonna take just just do it, just do it.

SPEAKER_01 6:14

And you gotta go way across town that used to be like five, five, you know, blocks. Oh, yeah. And it's just over one, it is, it is. I agree. Now, the other thing that I think you should touch on with our listeners, and they might be able to um relate to. Um I don't have this perspective yet, but I know you do as a grandchild. So tell us, tell us about your ordinary weekend with with the grandchildren.

SPEAKER_00 6:44

Yeah, so we did we did a vacation. We did a vacation and it was a blast. It's the first time we found it. Oh, it was a wonderful. We we um her her stepdad found this beautiful home on the Oregon coast. Um, that that obviously overlooked the ocean. It was it was gorgeous. We had a great weekend. Wow, is that little bug busy? Right. And and we literally we went out at low tide and we saw hundreds of starfish, hundreds, gorgeous, purple, gorgeous, pinks, and reds, and oranges, but I'm just not used to that energy level. Right, I'm not used to that. And then you get in the car to for the five-hour drive home, and and it was so much fun. She rode with us until we got to kind of our last stopping point where you know, mom and dad had to go one way and we went the other. Um then what happened, Laura? I needed a vacation for my vacation. I was exhausted. I was exhausted. She has so much, and and it's and it's and it's not it's just the energy, you know, when you're not used to being around that energy all the time, it's surprising how much it takes out of you. Um Right.

SPEAKER_01 8:00

But never mind, you know, each of us had three children, um, race three children. Um, you'd you'd get through your day and and you would do all the things. And you know, I remember getting to the end, you know, with bath time and and and the and their sleeping habits and arrangements, um, only to repeat that day after day after day after day. But for some reason, one errand can absolutely wipe me out. Right, exactly. No, I completely understand. Yeah, yeah. Well, the other thing that is not ordinary, I suppose, um, is how technology for both of us. Oh God. Um, yeah, there was a lot of learning frustration going on for both of us because we don't typically, you know, sit in front of a computer after a full day having to learn uh uh the next how-to. And it's wonderful that videos and and those kinds of things have been made available to us. That's how we've been able to put this podcast together. We don't have a team, it's just you and I. And YouTube. And so talk about an a defeating, frustrating exercise, um, just trying to trying to learn something new.

SPEAKER_00 9:25

Oh, for sure, for sure. Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's been it's been a learning curve every step of the way. And there are times that, you know, it's again, you know, you go back to, you know, my my 35, 40-year-old self versus now. Yeah. And you start getting paranoid. Do I have Alzheimer's? Why can't I have an early onset? Why am I having offly? Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:53

Well, you know, it's a perfect time to remind our listeners that um it was trying times, but I think I think it is having lived that life, lived those experiences, um, raised our families, um, managed a household. Uh we've done all the things. And I think um they may have been trying times, but it also was an important time to learn about who we were and what we wanted to do together on this podcast. And we never really veered from the reality, is we think we have something important to offer. Um, we've lived it um and we want to help other women through it. So um great times with listening and laughing, but um so I don't know, did life is it did it get harder, or maybe we've just become more aware of what life asks of us? Like maybe that's the real question. So let's move on to the next discussion about how capacity might look different when we actually reframe the idea of what this tired thing is all about.

SPEAKER_00 11:12

So what do you say we do that? So so I was I was thinking about this as we were preparing for the the this this episode. And and the thing that hit me the most was that, you know, when when I go back and I think about 35-year-old Laura, 40-year-old Laura, when I think of capacity, I think of just physical energy. That's it. Physical energy, you know, what can I get to do? Capability, people's exactly output, productivity, right? Yeah, and and now where we're at in life, I believe that capacity is much bigger than just physical energy. I believe it it has to do with emotional energy, mental energy, maybe even sensory energy. I agree. And yeah, it's like we have had you know too much input in one day and and we're done. We're done.

SPEAKER_01 12:12

Yeah, yeah. Well, let's take apart um and and and clarify what we mean by capacity with our listeners, because I have a feeling I'm I'm hearing heads nodding um in unison, even when we start talking about the first thing, which is mental capacity, because I know you and I have shared the frustration of remembering passwords.

SPEAKER_00 12:39

Oh dear god, yes, yes, yes. I don't know about you. I've I've actually gone back to writing everything down in a notebook.

SPEAKER_01 12:46

Yeah, yeah, I know you told me that when we were, I'm gonna do the same because you just get them down and then um yeah, and there's never mind passwords. Now there's you know this double authenticity thing that you gotta do. And yeah, it is, it is a lot, it is a lot, we have to admit, but there is the the sort of the fog, the the decision fog and the too like too many tabs open in our you know, managing our calendars and planning the meals is definitely um a mental capacity that again we might have just taken for granted a long time.

SPEAKER_00 13:31

No, for you know, and I've got to say, when it comes to planning meals, that is the thing right now in my life that I absolutely every day when I have to go down and make dinner, I'm just like, I have been doing this for over 40 years and I'm tired of making dinner every freaking night. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:53

As I as I tell my family, I don't even know if I'm tired of the cooking aspect because a lot of that is the robotic work that you and I have done for so long. It's the decision making, it's the what to have. But you're a pro. You you you got that more organized. You got your weekly, you got your weekly grocery list uh going in your meal planning. No, I'm I'm flying by the seat of my pants. I'm at the grocery store every day. I wish I could be that easy, yeah. Yeah, well, and never mind um that I still think we are the member of the family to hold all family members. Of course, like I think it's our responsibility to make sure that we carry on the traditions, and I don't know about you, but I struggle. Um, I think every year watching my husband struggle putting up the outdoor lights. He still does that because he is tired and he is frustrated. But what is the real reason he's doing? What is it? It's not for his own pleasure. No, no, he is doing it. If my daughter could hear now, she'd be like, uh-huh, he's doing it for his little princess. We even have the you know, most people are retired in our neighborhood. So, Dawn, I see the yearly lights are going up again. Yep, because I don't want to disappoint Lily. So we are we are the caretakers of all of that. And again, taken for granted. Oh, yeah. Now taken for granted, let's look at our emotional capacity um in midlife. Um, as I say, we carry everyone's worries, right? Yes, yes, we're the problem solvers, we are the listeners, for sure. Um, and you know, you know, we've talked about we have to strategize about the aging parents as well as the adult children, yeah. And again, your perspective as a grandparent is not one that um that I can relate to, but your story about a vacation from your vacation is probably very valid as I hear my friends discussing the very same things. Yeah, and needless to say, your work stress is a whole podcast of its oh yes, it is, yes, it is, but we won't we won't we won't bore the people with that well don't think of social capacity as something that is cognitive, you know, during midlife. But if you think about it, I don't know about you, but you know, when I was a lot younger, putting dinners together and even you know decorating for Christmas and so forth was it was a sheer pleasure. Oh, for sure, yeah, yeah. But now, you know, my husband suggests that we have the Super Bowl party, and I'm just like sounds like a lot of work.

SPEAKER_00 17:24

Can I just show up at somebody's house with a cheese dip and some chips and call it a day?

SPEAKER_01 17:31

Exactly, yeah, exactly. Now you talked about um a social capacity that is a lot more serious. Oh, you're talking about the the hearing. Yeah, yeah. Maybe our listeners, you could you could share that aspect because I'm sure there are plenty of listeners out there that again would would understand what you're talking about.

SPEAKER_00 17:55

Well, I I I noticed it's probably been within the last five years. I noticed that when I'm with a group of people at dinner and we're in a restaurant, and even if the restaurant is, you know, a little bit noisy, I have a really hard time being able to focus in. If someone like across the table is talking to me, next to me is not a problem, but across the table, it's that that extra noise just it's really hard for me to hear the person across from me. Yeah. Right. Right.

SPEAKER_01 18:30

I think that's real because our sensory capacity at midlife changes. Oh, yeah. Um, you and I have talked about the experience at the airport. Um it's I don't think it's an easy one for anyone, um, given what is what is happening in most airports, but our tolerance and our ability to handle you know all the chaos um is much more difficult.

SPEAKER_00 19:01

Yes, agree, agree. Right.

SPEAKER_01 19:04

And never mind the new diagnoses, like my uh most recent eye diagnoses. What's that all about? It's uh you know, I always went to the eye doctors knowing that it was the it was the appointment I could count on that that all things weren't going to, you know, yeah, yeah. That that that's the one thing that things are going okay. Right, right, that I'm I'm not I'm not falling down in until I just got a recent diagnosis. I am seeing double out of my right and triple out of my left.

SPEAKER_00 19:52

So so that means double out of your right, triple out of your left.

SPEAKER_01 19:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:00

So then when you put the grocery list together for your husband and you run out of paper towel, you tell him you saw five, and so there is no reason to add it to the grocery list, right?

SPEAKER_01 20:11

Yeah, so I guess it could it can work to my benefit. Yeah, no, it's it's it's pretty incredible um when you start to look at the word capacity um versus are we, are we, are we tired? Um but maybe maybe our listeners can get a little more curious about their personal circumstances by just considering a few questions that we had for them um when we put this podcast together. You and I came up with some things that that might be really good for all of us to think about. And the first being, what kinds of things seem to drain you now that never used to? Um, or what you have you been, are you more protective on your calendar? Um do you notice when you've reached your limit sooner? All of this information um is critical. And and and another question might be is there the difference between not wanting to do something and simply not having the capacity that day? All very reasonable questions um that maybe we were do we don't always stop to think about. Right. And I think this podcast, when we were coming up with with this topic, we didn't really think that it became about being less capable. No, no, not at all. That it's more of a case of being just more honest, being more honest about where we are where we're at in life. We're not 35 years old, but do we want some of the things that landed in? Our lap and on our plate all those years that might be still um testing our capacity. So let's get honest in our last part of our conversation about capacity, because honestly, this might feel somewhat like a yearly medical exam that we've just gone through, but it's honesty. And we think we think that actually capacity is some sort of it's actually wisdom. So can you explain that to our listeners, Laura?

SPEAKER_00 22:32

Yeah, so so when we were talking about again, like you said, we were talking about this topic and and capacity, and um, you know, I started thinking about it and I started thinking back. And, you know, I remember again being younger and seeing the women who seemingly had it all together. You know, you would see the team mom rolling in completely put together, you know, had the juice boxes and the the cookies specially frosted with all the kids' initials on them. Or you know, I mean, they they exist, you know, they existed. And and if you know, if it's not a team mom, it's a room mom, you know, the the mom that was running the PTA, you know, the book fair, and and again, just making it look so so easy.

SPEAKER_01 23:25

Um but the difference being we are not 30 anymore.

SPEAKER_00 23:35

No, for sure, for sure, for sure, for sure. But I will tell you when when I look back, um I was I was totally that person. I was the overachiever, wanted to make sure, you know, I had it together. And I'm not surprised. And now, now, now, I do not have children in the home. I am not the team mom. I am not the room mom. I'm not the PTO president. No, I only work full time. We have the podcast. I try to manage a house with two people, not five, just two. And and anymore these these days, I'm I'm lucky if I get to shower twice a week because I am I feel so busy, or maybe it's just the fact, you know, that I just don't have the capacity that I used to. Right. Um, right, right.

SPEAKER_01 24:25

And as you see, as you said, um, I don't think that the things that we used to worry and stress about that maybe were about pleasing other people, um, being the super mom that society expected us to be. Um, maybe there are pressures in our homes that um you know demand that we we play a certain role. But I think this wisdom that we're referring to is really going back to what we talked about in our first and second episode, and that is having a voice, a voice about what do we want to do? Right, right. Do we need the production that we once has once had? Agree. I think this capacity is about wisdom, and it's being able to take this new confidence of you know, letting one thing be enough or leaving, you know, margin in the day and just not filling every space on our calendar. Right.

SPEAKER_00 25:36

Like, isn't that some sort of newfound wisdom? No, for for for sure. And and and and as I was thinking about all that, um, I I I agree it is newfound wisdom, but some of us are a little more stubborn and don't necessarily get the wisdom right away. Um, so so for me, you know, I'm thinking, okay, well, maybe my body is trying to tell me something my brain does not want to accept. And that, you know, part of this so-called transition in life isn't just about hormones and menstrual cycles. Maybe it's also about exactly right. Maybe it's also about making some choices with my time and my energy and what do I really want to be doing. And and you, and like you said, it's not just capacity, it's wisdom.

SPEAKER_01 26:31

Yeah, it's you know, it's not, it's not we wake up one morning and all of a sudden, um, you know, we're going to start making decisions differently. It's a process. And as we said in our last episode, once you begin to get the evidence that this are your decisions, and that others will deal and maybe not even notice. And so it's a time to put ourselves first. Right, agree. For once, agreed, right? Absolutely. And understanding that recovery, like we used to take for granted and not even allow time for, isn't laziness. It's actually discovering that slower can be richer. No, agree. One day you too, Laura, will learn that. But I know last weekend you had a free weekend.

SPEAKER_00 27:30

How'd that go? Oh, so so we are getting ready to go on a trip. And I would rather not have to do social media for the podcast while we're on the trip. So the goal last weekend was to get two weeks of social media planned. Not a big deal. Two weeks. Not asking for six months, two weeks. Right. So didn't get a damn thing done. Yeah. Um, and you know, I've got a child who is wrapping up a master's program, and she has a lot of anxiety around her capstone project. Her um sure, her program is ending in uh the end of this week. And so Laura's still learning.

SPEAKER_01 28:20

Uh yeah, yeah. Laura's still learning, but what did you do instead, Laura?

SPEAKER_00 28:26

Well, I I talked her off a ledge while I was in the grocery store. Haven't we all done that?

SPEAKER_01 28:33

Oh, yes. Therapy, therapy at cool. Yes, therapy, therapy instead of the jello section. Why? Yeah, us mom, we do that. I think, yeah, yeah, as I say, it's a process. Oh, yeah. We have to learn little bit by little bit that our role as as yeah, all problem solving, all knowing, all having the answers, that's hard to let go because we've done it for so long.

SPEAKER_00 29:08

Oh, for sure, for sure. But I'll tell you, I mean, I'm I'm I'm glad she called me, you know, and and I we want to be there. Oh, absolutely, absolutely. Um it's it's it's funny because it's you know, I kind of joke, I would, I would love to have someone, you know, grocery shop for me and do my laundry for me and clean for me and and do some of these things to where all as I had to do was um well, you know, and not even go to work. So all I'd have to do is just do the podcast and talk to my kids all day long. I would be happy with that. That would be that would be the best thing ever. Yeah. There you go.

SPEAKER_01 29:45

There you go. Well, I can tell you, I can tell you, because you and I are are in in some ways at different places because I'm older than you are. Um, I did have a day that was mine and I had decided it to be so. And I was like in a mini crisis. Yeah. I was in a mini crisis because I just I had told myself, you know, tell yourself when you're busy, these are the things that I'm going to do when I have the time and when I make them so. Oh, yeah, we all have that list, but it was not comfortable. It was really uncomfortable to have like a whole day to myself just to do whatever that I wanted. Um it it it it was it was a really difficult day for me. Maybe I was thinking too hard about it. Um, but yeah, it is a process. For sure, for sure. It is a process. Well, let's let's wrap this up. I think we have talked a lot about um what it is to be so-called tired, but mostly what capacity looks like and to look at it with honest eyes and to really consider all the levels of capacity that a midlife woman is is still experiencing. And that it's not something we've lost necessarily, but it's maybe something we've finally started paying attention to because for all those years we have measured ourselves by how much we could fit into a day. And we know that some of that comes from um, you know, our patterns and our family and society's expectations, but perhaps we're measuring our days by how they actually felt. Um so maybe, maybe it's different, it's a it's a different way to think about things.

SPEAKER_00 31:56

No, agree, agree. So, so think about what if this season of life isn't asking us to prove how much we still can do, but to notice what allows us to feel most like ourselves. Amen. Maybe it's not energy, maybe it's capacity, and maybe learning that difference isn't a limitation, but it's one of the quiet gifts of midlife.

SPEAKER_01 32:24

I agree. I absolutely agree with that statement. It is understanding the differences and um not being so hard on ourselves. Um, it's not a limitation.

SPEAKER_00 32:37

I I choose to think of it as wisdom. Yeah, no, agree, agree. It is wisdom learned wisdom, yes, as they used to say. I like that, I like that learned wisdom. Yeah, unfortunately, sometimes that comes very difficult. Yeah, learned it the hard way, right? Right. So we want you to consider that this is about permission, permission to stop measuring yourself against a version of you whose life, body, responsibilities, and priorities are completely different than the you when you were 35 or 40. Exactly. Consider, I'm not failing, I'm simply living differently now. And I think that's a much more empowering conversation to have. I believe so too, Laura. And I'm so glad we've had it. No, agree. And if you want to continue the conversation, you can find us on Facebook, Instagram, and Pinterest under Conversations Beyond Borders. We also have a private Facebook group. You can join us on Conversations Beyond Borders with you.

SPEAKER_01 33:49

Yeah, and don't forget to like and subscribe so you can get a reminder when the next episode releases. Thank you for pulling up a chair and joining us. Yeah, because this is just one of those conversations. And we're so glad you're here for it. We will see you next week. Bye. Bye bye.