Motherhood, My Way: Choosing Fertility, Family, and a Life on My Own Terms Part II

Part Two of Motherhood, My Way continues the conversation with Cheri Bergeron, moving deeper into the realities of choosing yourself while navigating fertility and the path to motherhood.

In this episode, Cheri reflects on what comes after the decision—the emotional weight of waiting, the strength required to keep going, and the inner shifts that happen when plans don’t unfold as expected. We talk about surrendering control, releasing comparison, and learning how to hold both hope and disappointment at the same time.

This part of the conversation centers on self-trust, resilience, and redefining success on the fertility journey. It’s about honoring your intuition, finding peace in uncertainty, and remembering that your worth is not defined by timelines or outcomes. For anyone feeling stretched between longing and letting go, this episode offers reassurance, grounding, and a reminder that your journey—however it unfolds—is deeply valid.

Transcript

Unknown: 0:00

It's just that the nuclear family is a utopic existence, you know, mother, father, 2.3 children, or whatever they say, and a dog. And I don't even think I questioned that as I was entering adulthood, because that's what it was and but that was kind of the formula that one had to have before they were entitled to motherhood, and so I just kept trying to make that work. Welcome to perinatal and reproductive perspectives. This is a podcast where we empower birthing individuals, partners and health professionals with evidence based insights, holistic strategies and relatable stories. Hosted by a health care expert, this podcast fosters understanding equity and growth in perinatal and reproductive health. Here's your host, Becky Morrison gleed. You Marisa,

Rebecca Gleed: 1:06

welcome to another episode of perinatal and reproductive perspectives. We are back with Cherie Bergeron, an author, a mother. She's a mother, single mom by choice, and we are going to cover her other side of the story, covering really a focus on why choose single motherhood. Welcome back to the show. Thank you. Exciting to be back. Yeah. Thanks for coming. I'm so excited to share with folks your other side of the story. We covered a lot of pain, loss, grief, legal struggles and strains, so let's open it up. Of why single motherhood? Tell us a little bit more about the other side of your story. Sure.

Cheri Bergeron: 1:52

Well, I decided to become a single mother. Ironically, while I was in the midst of my marriage, kind of crazy, but what I discovered was that I had real incompatibilities with my spouse, and we didn't look at parenting the same way, and he was being kind of a resistant force, not really someone who was coming along with me on the journey. And in fact, at one point, he essentially said, I don't if we're not together, I don't want to be a part of any child's life. And so that, for me, was a real deciding moment, because I came to a point where I was like, I'm going to become a mother with or without you. Yeah, that's really the place. Because I said, you know, I'm really clear on my priorities. My priorities are to bring children into this world and to be a mom. And so I started on that journey somewhat out of necessity, but also life had certain circumstances, and I decided to claim motherhood for myself and to kind of cast aside that traditional fairy tale and that narrative that I had been trying to force fit for so many years, and really that moment was a very freeing moment, because I was no longer dependent on other people kind of meeting my expectations or meeting me. At this point in the journey, I said to myself, you know, you can do this and you won't be doing it alone. That's one of the things a lot of people think is, oh, if you're a single mother, if you're a single mother by choice, while you're doing all this alone, it's that's far from the truth. But fact is, the choice I made was that I was wasn't going to allow anyone else to keep me back from that dream of motherhood, not society, not family, not a romantic partner. There was no one who was going to keep me from having the children I believe I was meant to have.

Rebecca Gleed: 3:46

Yeah, when you say resistant, because I know that many people will really connect with that, with your ex. Can you describe a little bit more what that looked like, what that felt like, Sure.

Unknown: 4:02

I mean, the things that he was revealing about himself were things that were not conducive with our family plan. So for example, for me to be able to step back in some ways, practically, it required him to step up, step up in his career, step up in finances and things like that. Because, again, you can have it all, but you can't have it all at the same time. And so if we were going to maintain our quality of life, he was going to have to step up more. And he simply wasn't willing to do that. And then as our relationship evolved, I saw decisions that to me, were aligned with my values. They for someone to say that they would abandon children that they knew were in this world just did not align with the kind of parent that I wanted to be or the kind of parent I wanted my children to have. And so it was really a question of. Values, as you know, sometimes you think you know what someone's values are, but when you really start doing light with them, they show you what their values are, and it's often much louder than the words that they say. And so I really started to pay attention to the actions, and I decided that we weren't aligned, and that this wasn't a good, you know, environment as a family unit to bring children into,

Rebecca Gleed: 5:26

yeah, again, this is going to resonate with so many folks, because as a couples therapist, I will see couples after becoming parents, saying I don't recognize my partner and parenthood often accentuates or resurfaces and illuminates this incongruence with your values and your behavior. And it's one thing to give lip service. It's another thing to be in the trenches of parenthood and make sure that you are truly aligned. And it sounds like for you that was a big concern that you absolutely need alignment. There's sleepless nights, there's some dark moments, there's some really hard temper tantrums that you're going to be facing finances you pointed to as well. It's no walk in the park to raise kids, and it's requires a lot of stepping up,

Unknown: 6:22

that's right? And you know, people will tell you what they believe, but when the pressure's on, what they show you is actually far more revealing than any words that they have. And I saw the incongruence there, and ultimately, had just had enough, and it was time, and it was, it's, it's ironic, because I spent my whole time prior to that relationship, trying to find the perfect person to have children with, and and it, you know, it just ultimately wasn't a good fit.

Rebecca Gleed: 6:59

Well, these messages that you talked about from society, from your family system around you need to be partnered. You need this fairy tale. What did you pull growing up? What did you internalize that we can share with the audience?

Unknown: 7:15

It's just that the nuclear family is a utopic existence. You know, mother, father, 2.3 children, or whatever they say, and a dog. And I don't even think I questioned that as I was entering adulthood, because that's what it was and but that was kind of the formula that one had to have before they were entitled to motherhood, and so I just kept trying to make that work. And fundamentally, that wasn't the right model for me, and and society also perpetuates that. Now I'm a little older, and society has, I think, opened up quite a bit now, and single parenthood and sort of divorce, unfortunately, is much more normal now, but same sex couples, and you know, the definition of family is broadening, but there are horses in our society, and a lot of them are very religious and very conservative, are trying to hold on to that rigid view of family, and so I think there's still many of us who grow up with that. I think, by the way, I think it's wonderful to be raised in a nuclear family full of love and respect. I am not disrespecting that model. I'm just saying that fairy tales aren't one size fits all. That's what I found. Just like dresses,

Rebecca Gleed: 8:45

yes, what a good tagline. It's not a one size fits all. When systems become rigid, what are the consequences?

Unknown: 8:56

I think ultimately we make bad decisions. That's what happened to me. So I talk about force fitting that fairy tale, because I wanted to become a mother, and I thought this was the only path. So for me, that meant eight years of unhappiness, which is, you know, which could have been a life sentence. That's the way I viewed it. And then it also meant a pretty toxic divorce. It meant the custody battle we talked about in last time. I mean, it was a big mess trying being so married, actually more to the rules than to the person. For me, had very bad outcomes. And so my hope is that in speaking out, I can prevent someone from making that kind of choice for themselves that might not fit them.

Rebecca Gleed: 9:46

I have a lot of friends, a lot of clients who this narrative dances around in their head of if I divorce or if I uncouple, or if I choose single parenthood, it's going to have this effect on the kids. Or I can't do this alone, or I'll be in financial ruin, and to some degree there, there is an impact, and I myself stayed in a marriage way too long with kids with that same narrative and self talk, which ultimately didn't serve me well, until I was willing to face what I needed to face, and it was hard and it required some challenges, but for maybe the mom listening to this podcast who is maybe scared or this negative self talk is running around in her head, what wisdom or hope, would you impart to that person listening right?

Unknown: 10:44

Well, my heart goes out to anyone who's in that place right now. And I think we consider divorce and we consider single motherhood in our heads maybe as failure, and the fact is, making a decision for yourself is freedom of that freedom, and it's freedom to live life the way that feels authentic and truthful to you, versus being constrained in A system that is causing you pain and maybe abusive or not aligned. And so to me, life is too short for that. And the other thing is, if you don't think that that kind of dynamic is going to have a negative impact on your children, then you're fooling yourself. It absolutely will. That was the one thing that I wanted to prevent, most of all, was for my children to see a dysfunctional relationship. To me, that was a worse thing than having them have separate parents, because I think that that is a model of that they're going to carry with them, and I did not want them to carry that kind of model with them. So I would just say, yes, there are going to be hard moments, but you're in hard moments now. Oh, yeah. So I think really for us all, it's the fear talking. And fear can be a very powerful voice and fear of the unknown. Yeah, I think at some point you have to have a level of self trust and say, You know what? I'm going to be able to get through this. I'm strong enough to get through this, and I'm not going to be alone. I'm going to have people to help me, whether they're my family, whether they're not, maybe they're people you don't even know yet. There will be people to support you along your journey.

Rebecca Gleed: 12:43

Yeah, and maybe that's a segue into your story. How did you face that fear and melt that away and move into more empowerment? And then also, I heard something around challenging I'm a failure if I divorce or if I uncouple, or if my relationship goes into disillusion. Tell the audience what was that process like for you? And it sounds like community was something too sure.

Unknown: 13:15

Really, I think that point for me when he said he wasn't interested in being part of any child's life and and actually we we documented it, we had notarized agreements and things like that. That was really sometimes it takes a big moment to sort of jar you loose from what you've been trapped in. So I actually kind of credit him for such an extremely ridiculous decision to to to set me free and say, Okay, this is it. This is truly the sign that I needed, that I was going to be doing this on my own. But I again, I knew I wasn't going to do it on my own. In my case, I had a wonderful mother who was free to be able to be with me. My father had passed a few years before, and sometimes these things happen where circumstances align to the point where a good part of my support, some of my family, was going to be with me. And that gave me some reassurance. And then I started reaching out to groups, to women's groups, single mothers groups, and I could see that other people were successfully walking this path, and they were happy, and their children were happy. And that gave me strength, because no longer was I seeing only the model of a man and a woman in a family unit with their children, I was seeing that children can thrive and their mothers can thrive in a different model.

Rebecca Gleed: 14:57

That's something I also hear is. We don't want this to negatively impact the kids, but what we don't think about is they may actually thrive in this new construct. They may actually see something incredibly powerful as they watch their mother, you know, grow wings and finally exit that cage, even if it was a golden cage.

Unknown: 15:25

Very true. I think one of the biggest things that that children struggle with is when their family breaks apart, and I think that's very jarring for children, but what I have seen is I have watched interviews and spoken with children of single mothers by choice, and they don't have that brokenness. In fact, they highly revere their mother, and they never felt like they were lacking for anything. They just had a different circumstance, a child that grows up that way, similar to a child maybe that has a same sex couple or some other variation of the traditional family, they don't know any different, and so it feels normal to them, and the basic ingredients that Any child needs is love, acceptance, commitment and your time, that is all they need. And you notice I didn't mention money, because the fact is, they need a stable home. Yes, your children need a stable home, but they don't need the Xbox. They don't need the phone. There's a lot of things that people can do without, and we in our society are so consumer oriented. Frankly, I think children do better with less. I mean, we want to give them everything, but the fact is, they they don't need all those things. The things they need are our commitment to them.

Rebecca Gleed: 16:58

Yeah, I had a parent teacher conference yesterday with my second graders teacher, and he, you know, he is a little rough around the edges, but I really like him. And he was saying that my daughter had approached him during snack time and was telling him about her dad coming into town. He was gonna have a visit, and telling him all about the divorce, and, you know, but how great her life is, and she loves her neighbors and and he's, you know, I got my parents got divorced at age when I was eight, which is just a year apart from where my daughter is, and and then they just started doing snack time and it I just think these people have been so lovely, and they're just plopped right into our lives and our children's lives. Moments like that just give me goosebumps.

Unknown: 17:54

Yeah, and it's wonderful that your your daughter could feel open enough to share those things. I will tell you that my son, who I had with an anonymous sperm donor, so I don't have anybody in that daddy box for him. He tells his friends this, and they go, Wow, I kind of wish I had that my dad were never home, or he's really strict about stuff. And she said, that sounds pretty cool. And so my son sees it as kind of a benefit. Now, I do have discipline. I'm not a pushover, and the fact is, one of the stories is that your child, and particularly if you have a son, will be damaged if you don't have a father in their life, and the thing is, they will be missing something if they don't have a father, like figure or male role models in their life. But that doesn't mean it has to be their father, and so I have been very intentional about finding men who could be in my son's life that would model some of those behaviors, or that he could talk to about what it's like to be a man in this world. Because, admittedly, I can't teach him that. I don't know that what I'm teaching him, I think, is how to treat a woman in this world, and what the tenderness and the also how capable women are, and not looking down at women, but how self sufficient and independent and intelligent women can be. And so I'm teaching him to have perhaps a higher respect for women than he might have in a sometimes in a traditional home. Again, I don't want to stereotype, because I think there are other situations, but in my family system, all the power was with men, and I'm interested in sharing with my son that there could be more of a bounce. Sense of power,

Rebecca Gleed: 20:01

yeah, and I love that we're giving space. It's not a one size fits all, and to model something that is healthy but looks a little bit different, right, right?

Unknown: 20:14

And he, he has always known about this. That's another big thing is, how do I tell my child is going to scar them in some way? And I think the real key there is absolute transparency in age appropriate ways. Because what I heard from these adult children, and by the way, single mothers by choice is a great organization, and they have these recordings of some of these adult children of single mothers. So cool. If you're interested, check that out. But I heard them, and they said, you know, that they would get teased sometimes say, Oh, you don't have a dad. And they were like, Well, that's true, and Wiley was meant to be an insult. It didn't sink into them as a painful thing, because they had no shame around so if you carry no shame from your family system, then it doesn't feel like a deficit. They weren't lacking anything. And so that Barb did not strike them. And I think that's amazing.

Rebecca Gleed: 21:21

I think that's amazing too. Yeah, I think of Brene Brown out of also out of Texas, right, who speaks to this like transparency, of course, in a developmentally appropriate way that can melt shame

Unknown: 21:35

absolutely and when they grow up knowing that this was their story, and the background of that is to say I wanted you so much, and I wanted you to be healthy, and I wanted you to have the best family environment that these are the choices I made for you. It doesn't come across as something that is negative. It comes across as very loving.

Rebecca Gleed: 22:03

What are some of the stories or memories that stand out in terms of this love, commitment

Unknown: 22:12

to my kids? Yeah, yeah. Well, I mean one thing and another. Another myth is, if I choose this path, I'm going to be single forever, that's a big one to say, if I go down this road, then this is always going to be my road, and I know whether it would be or not. As I took this path, I just knew this was the path I had to head down. But I spent, I'd say, a solid 910, years focused on my children, and there could be women who could really envy that in some ways, because how many of us who are trying to raise children have to try to balance this precarious balance of the needs of our children and the needs of our husband? And I didn't have that. I was able to pour myself guilt free into my children in the way that they needed in their young years, and I didn't do it myself. I actually had a nanny because I was a working mom, but I worked from home, and I got to be around them all the time, so I feel so fortunate with that. So you know what happened then, as they got older, though, I was able to start doing more things for myself. And ultimately, I did find someone to be with. And the thing is, I was entering that relationship whole, instead of having some gap that I felt I needed to fill. And so for the first time in my life, I was entering a relationship based on truly what the dynamic was, what the values were, all those good fundamentals and not the destination I was trying to get to. That was really a game changer for me, because I looked at the relationship in an entirely new way. I wasn't trying to achieve something the relationship, in and of itself, was the destination.

Rebecca Gleed: 24:07

Yeah, I think about this wholeness and then something beautiful in addition, not to fill a gap. I mean, what a healthy way to move forward in partnership, exactly.

Unknown: 24:22

And it actually ended up being a blended family. And as I've talked about in our past episode, I lost two children. Well, my partner had two children, and it was a boy and a girl, and it's not a replacement. Okay, we are clear you cannot replace a child that is lost, but it is a blessing, yeah, and so it is an addition. It is an enhancement to your life. And I think that's kind of God or whatever way of you know, whatever you believe the universe saying. I'm giving you abundance.

Rebecca Gleed: 25:02

Yes, I love this abundance mindset and how what other abundance came with single motherhood? One of the stereotypes, or, you know, misconceptions, is that you're going to run ragged. You are going to be scrappy, you'll never find love again. All of this just negative, stereotypical language around labeling single moms. But if we look at it through a lens of abundance, what comes to mind for you?

Unknown: 25:33

Well, abundance of time to dedicate to them. Abundance in terms of the experiences that I wanted to create for them. So because I was a single mother and I still had to do some travel for work, I took my children with me and so, and not everyone can do this, but I took a nanny, and I took my mother, and I took my children, and it's the closest I'll ever come to having an entourage, I would say, so we were and I would always say, the nanny is here to watch the kids, and my mom's there to watch the nanny and my children have been so well traveled and had so many life experiences, because this was the model that I chose, that their life was richer. As a result, they gotten to go to, I think we counted it at probably 17 or 18 states and two countries and all kinds of things. And so their life has been enriched by this model that never would have happened if we had been a two parent household. Also abundance. I have gotten to be here, kind of moment by moment, date by day, with my children and even as a working parent. So I do encourage women who are looking at single motherhood, consider jobs that have remote work, consider jobs, consider entrepreneurism, consider your own business so that you have some of that flexibility, or find employers who are very inclusive of all different kinds of family models. You know, those are that's very important factor to me.

Rebecca Gleed: 27:13

Yeah, you mentioned one resource, which we'll put in show notes. Tell folks what that resource is. The single motherhood by choice is that, yeah,

Unknown: 27:21

single mothers by choice is a nonprofit organization that's focused on single mothers. I'm a lifetime member of that. And then, of course, shari's choice is my nonprofit that focuses on helping guide women to motherhood on their own terms, and really looking at these various models and providing thought processes and community support and counseling determine what path is right for you.

Rebecca Gleed: 27:49

Yeah, Fairy God, boss is another resource I'll throw out there for, I don't know if you've heard of it, for any moms who want to, you know, go underground for other community of moms who can speak to some of those employers who are more friendly for moms and the flexibility that's it's a wonderful community. Do you have any other resources that single moms can turn to to kind of know the landscape for healthy work environments?

Unknown: 28:19

I have logged on that recently. On Cherie bergeron.com I've listed employers who are friendly with fertility benefits and things like that. And then on Cherie's choice, there's a whole section for single motherhood where I pull in resources from a bunch of different places. And also, you know, you can message me too, fantastic.

Rebecca Gleed: 28:41

So we'll put both of those resources in the show notes, and please tell our audience too about your book, right?

Unknown: 28:51

Well, if you're interested in kind of a raw, real story of infertility, a 10 year infertility journey, Mission motherhood, is the book that I wrote, kind of as a love letter to other women that I don't know, who I'm calling girlfriends and and really sharing what it was like. But also, at the end, it's kind of a teaching memoir to say here are some things I would have done differently and kind of to avoid some of the mistakes that I made. So for someone who is considering single motherhood, wants to make a good a motherhood plan. For people who may want to support a friend who's going through infertility or a spouse, this is potentially a book for you, awesome. And what is the title? Mission motherhood. It's on Amazon. Mission motherhood, my little bunny. I love the pattern with crooked crown. Sort of not quite your

Rebecca Gleed: 29:53

traditional fairy tale. I love it. How about some last wisdom for. The mom just entering single motherhood, and maybe the mom who's in the thick of things

Unknown: 30:06

get support. I mean, I think don't try to do it all on your own. And there are a lot of single mothers out there, not by choice, right? That by circumstance. And I would just say the village that you put around you can make all the difference between desperation and kind of a beautiful environment for your family. So I think there are a lot of resources out there. If you are struggling and feeling like you need some guidance, reach out. You know, I'm happy to do that. I think children deserve as much of you as possible, and so make sure that you're not just trying to run yourself into the ground doing this.

Rebecca Gleed: 30:51

Yeah, so I'm hearing get support and also stay healthy, take care of yourself.

Unknown: 30:56

Yeah, it is hard when you're the only person. But again, I think adding that support system in can bring a little bit of time for yourself so that you can stay as healthy as possible, both physically and mentally.

Rebecca Gleed: 31:10

Yeah, this was so beautiful. Thank you for sharing your story. It's lovely to have you back on for the other side of things, and I am so excited for other single moms to listen to the episode, and we'll include all those resources.

Unknown: 31:24

Thank you so much. Just the big message is hope, and if you feel that you are called to be a mother, you can make that dream happen. It may not look like the traditional fairy tale, but it can still be beautiful.

Rebecca Gleed: 31:38

Yeah, I love that offering of hope. Thank you so much. Thank you.

Lana Manikowski: 31:46

If you would like to learn more about how we can help, visit our website at perinatal reproductive wellness.com, and while you are there, check out the latest edition of our book, employed motherhood. We also invite you to follow us on social media at employed motherhood. Finally, if you enjoyed listening to the show, please subscribe and rate it. Thank you. You I'm.